Penny intended to feel on top of the world but ended up getting in her own way. She aced it when she’d showcased her work to respected people within her industry but enjoyed that feeling for all of a hot minute because she ended up ‘celebrating’ with Mr Miserable, her sometimes charming Mr Unavailable who from the moment that he knew he’d won her over, he started up with the sniping, criticism and other such passive aggression before his pants had hit the floor. Penny’s achievements were quickly forgotten and barely acknowledged.
Sonya raves about her boyfriend who for the first time ever, and that includes a couple of marriages, she is enjoying a relationship with love, care, trust, and respect after a period of self work. Despite this, Sonya’s taken to flipping out periodically, whether it’s in her own head, with him, her parents or at work. The first time it happened, I thought, Hmm…Does Sonya have a problem with being happy? A few times in, I knew she did. I’ve worked out that the longest that she can go without her own episode of Dynasty is about 2-3 weeks tops.
What you’re seeing here are two people who don’t allow themselves to feel happy.
You will also recognise this if you’ve ever been in an unavailable relationship and had a great weekend/birthday/night out / been introduced to their parents or friends / planned a holiday / said the L word or whatever, only to then be unceremoniously dumped from a height (or disappeared on) with claims of not being ready for a relationship (if you even manage to get an explanation.
Some of us don’t feel comfortable feeling good. We feel afraid to feel good and even feel suspicious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We sabotage good feelings as well as good things that are happening to us because these take us out of our uncomfortable comfort zone.
When we don’t allow ourselves to feel happy and to internalise our achievements, accomplishments, our good fortune, and basically don’t appreciate the good things for what they are, we undo our good work. We throw it back as if to suggest to the universe or whoever else is involved made a mistake.
There are all sorts of reasons why we don’t allow ourselves to feel happy but here are the most consistent reasons I’ve come across through BR:
Not wanting to outshine so we dim our light. We may be so used to doing this that we don’t even recognise that we’re doing it. It’s as if we want to protect people from having to deal with us.
Managing down people’s expectations. We take things down a few (or many) notches to protect ourselves from what we imagine will be a bigger disappointment if we allow ourselves to enjoy it for what it is. E.g. With work and education, we might feel that if we allow ourselves to enjoy the good feelings from whatever we’ve done and we internalise it, people might expect more from us and the perfectionist and/or the pleaser in us, might be afraid of disappointing.
We have Imposter Syndrome. We feel like a fraud. We convince ourselves that we must just be very good at interviews or the people who liked our work must have been desperate due to not seeing better people. We’re afraid that if we allow ourselves to internalise our achievements and accomplishments, the rug will be ripped from under our feet.
We can’t see the future. E.g. Unavailable relationships – the person may be having a great time right now but their mind strays ahead and thinks, But what if we’re not having a good time in 2016, 2021, and the year 3000? What if I allow myself to enjoy this and then I get hurt? What if they find out that I’m not good enough? What if they decide that they’re having such a good time that they expect me to be around forever? Note, the other person if they were able to hear the last one might think, Um, yeah, I’ve only been on three effing dates with you! Get off your high horse!
We don’t feel that we deserve it. Sometimes we act as if we have a debt that we’ve got to pay off before we’re allowed to be happy. In some instances, we’re serving out a self-imposed sentence for what we feel was a major eff-up in the past. We may feel that we’re not good enough so things that make us feel good and represent the opposite of what we think of ourselves is confusing to us. It’s not what we associate ourselves with and if we accept it, if we appreciate it, then we have to challenge what we have been saying about ourselves and sometimes, we prefer to stick with the story. I should add here – we’ve all made mistakes in our past that don’t reflect who we truly are, otherwise, we’d still be at them right now and intending to do them for the rest of our lives. We wouldn’t feel bad about it because we’d accept it as an expression of our character. Yes we do have to recognise where we’ve erred and learn from the experience so that we can transcend it but we also have to give ourselves permission to learn as well as permission to move on (forgiveness).
We feel guilty. Tied in with this sense of ‘deserving’ happiness, some of us feel that it’s wrong for us to feel happy. In fact, this is is also closely linked with dimming our light. Sometimes we feel guilty because we don’t feel as if we can be happy because of someone who gets left behind. It might be that we learned to feel guilty in childhood and so there’s this kid inside of us who worries about displeasing parent(s), siblings etc. We might have an association with doing well or gaining something, where we believe that “money is the root of all evil” or that we’ll lose people out of our lives. Sometimes we actually feel bad about finally starting to get over a relationship. It’s as if we believe that we’re cheating on the image of the relationship. We then question the authenticity of our original feelings and so we go back. This is why so many people break No Contact right at the point where they’re actually making the largest amount of progress.
Here’s the thing: Yes, the feeling that we have right now at this moment in time isn’t going to last (not in a dodgy way but more in the way that feelings ebb and flow and we have to deal with life’s bumps and experience lots of different emotions) but feelings aren’t finite resources, plus if we don’t allow ourselves to experience happiness and other good emotions, we’re cutting ourselves off and accentuating sadness, fear, and anger.
We’re halting vulnerability and in turn, intimacy.
What kind of enjoyment can we possibly experience if each time we feel good, our minds start working overtime and we’re on high alert for the catch? We’ll just put up walls because we’re afraid of the consequences of allowing ourselves to feel ‘too much’.
We’re carrying on as if we can only allow ourselves to enjoy the feeling if we can be guaranteed that it will be around forever or for a very long time. That’s not realistic not least because we experience a myriad of emotions. The funny thing is that we would actually experience longer periods of contentment and be better equipped to deal with life’s inevitable bumps including disappointments, if we allowed ourselves to feel and we allowed ourselves to be.
If you recognise yourself in this post, try to recall some of your recent stresses and whether there was something good happening at the same time or just before it. Learn to recognise your trigger as well as your typical thoughts and feelings when you’re going through this. The more you’re conscious of it, the more you’ll recognise these instances of signs of you being on the up.
If you don’t tend to acknowledge your accomplishments and achievements, it’s time to learn how to soak it up. Learn to recognise when How often do you high five yourself or say, “Well done!”? I highly recommend that you keep a What I Did Today list and just note three accomplishments or achievements from your day or something that made you feel good.
You are allowed to experience happiness.
Your thoughts?
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I plead guilty to all of the above. I have a great capacity for happiness but feel guilty about it…I don’t want to outshine others and I often feel like a fraud. I got used to stealing happy moments while the rest of the time I was in a battle trying to free myself from my ex. I got out of the habit of being happy.
I want to tell my old BR friends that I have finally moved out of my shared house and am settled in another city. This is after a long siege of unhappy events including being involved in a really bad accident which involved a long rehab. Life has been so many challenges and just work – packing, sep agreement, work division, moving, recovering, figuring out finances, applying for scholarships, negotiating assets, moving again, preparing house for sale and being at school again…I have taken all the steps to be happy and there HAVE been a lot of well done moments along the way and I need to recognize each and every one of them. What I have accomplished is pretty amazing and I am proud of myself.
Espresso,
You should be proud!!!!
Congrats!!!
Good for you! Well done.
…and thank you for sharing your story.
Espresso, I’ve wondered how you are doing and am SO GLAD to hear this good news! Whew, you finally got away from that idiot. YAY!!!
This is a great article, I have mastered, playing my accomplishments down. I think it is the result of not being recognized as a child for my accomplishments.My success was in conflict with a sibling not doing as well. Unless they were the one to out shined me and that was eagerly acknowledged. So you go about ignoring your accomplishments, not wanting to be competitive or even recognized. It sounds crazy but, it is a reality. This has carried on in to my adult like. I didn’t recognized it, I was busy raising my daughters and focusing on how I could help my girls be at their best. I a least get it now, I am learning to nourish my talents and focus more on my goals a great deal more. I am working on learning to be in the moment and embrace that happy feeling without the fear of lost, hurt or disappointment that may come.
You go girl!!!
Natalie- have you been reading my mind lately? I have been pondering this question for a while now. Why can’t I just be happy?? At work I finally have a job that I love and I won’t let myself be proud of me or share how happy I am because I feel like once I do something will go wrong. I am in such a better position career wise, yet I can’t fully enjoy it. I don’t want to feel guilty, like you said. I also just got out of a 12 yr codependent relationship with an EUM who ripped my self esteem apart for years. I always felt like I needed him to be happy, hence the codependency issues. I am learning how to be happy on my own, but some days it is so hard. I need this time, though, to break bad relationship patterns and habits, and I need to refocus on me. I lived 12 yrs for him and all I got was crumbs!
I talked to one of my coworkers today who told me that I am blocking love and light from coming into my world and my soul. And I am. I don’t know how to let go, be happy, be free, and just enjoy life! She told me I need to be a “free bird” for awhile and it’s funny because I just told a friend at dinner yesterday that I want to be a free bird. I try and count my blessings and write in a gratitude journal. I want to beat my depression and live a happier life, with or without a man right now. Thank you for always being an inspiration!
Missy I feel the same, I too just want to let go, be happy, be free and just enjoy life but I don’t know how anymore. I was doing okay until after 6 months of absolute no contact he turned up again, and now 3 weeks later although I know I don’t want him back it’s as if all the hard earned contentment has just disappeared. I am struggling yet again with trying to see him for how he really is and not that made up man in my head, you know the one…the one that didn’t give out crumbs, who loved me and wasn’t truly a cheat and a liar. I am back to reading Baggage Reclaim and Esteemology wondering why he keeps on doing this to me, why he just won’t leave me alone, struggling to understand why he is as he is.
I sometimes think was I bad person in a past life? Was I deserving somehow to be treated like this?
I really just want to be that woman I was before I met him, I miss her.
Sandy, she’s still there, that woman you were before you met him.
She JUST NEEDS TO GO NO-CONTACT on his ass. Again. And this time, stay on the wagon!
Nothing gets rid of hard-earned contentment like breaking NC. And nothing gets it back like learning from that breaking of NC, and going NC again, and sticking to it like glue, through thick and thin.
I’ve had umpteen pretexts to contact the EUM, and every time I pull something out of ‘The Box’ – the place where I keep the memories of being dumped by him, crying at work over him, being humiliated by him in front of people, the way he made me feel constantly nervous because I never knew what I was going to do wrong next, and finally the way he threw me over for someone even less available than me, and is now living an even bigger and more embarrassing lie/secret relationship.
Develop ‘The Box’. It is your best friend in times of temptation.
Sandy- the same thing has happened to me. After months of no contact and being coldly polite to him at work meetings I had an email from the AC with a work query, I sent a brief work related reply but he then sent 3 emails in 30 minutes – he was missing me…could we meet? I thought about it – maybe I was being childish to ignore him completely- and reckoned it wouldn’t do any harm to meet for a coffee or a meal. So I replied and agreed and asked when we should meet. No reply!! I feel such a fool now and its undone all those months of no contact when I was moving on. I wouldn’t treat anyone like that and can’t understand why he bothered to ask to meet. I keep thinking about it and what a fool I was to respond at all.
Hey Shattered, go easy on yourself, you’re not a fool, just human. Hearing from an ex will stir up the old emotions again.
I consider myself lucky that my ex was pissed at me* and wouldn’t speak to me for months which made NC easier. Then out of the blue I got an email and the feelings were coming back. I replied with something short and impersonal, then he replied with a longer email that was kind of feeling me out to see if he could push that big ole reset button again.
I saved an unsent letter to him that I wrote and added to whenever I remembered something hurtful (like Ethelreda’s box) and re-read it over a few times. That helped me go back to NC and stay there. Yeah, we may slip up, but NC is still the best thing, go back to it as often as necessary until it sticks.
*I got rid of some of his stuff he was keeping in my backyard after the ultimatum I gave him to move it passed – completely ignored by him, so totally his fault and I don’t feel guilty in the least.
shattered,
He is just putting those feelers out, doing the old I wonder if she is still there for me thing that AC’s do so well. I know exactly how you are feeling and it’s not a nice feeling at all, their sense of entitlement is truly amazing.
Big hugs and stay strong.
Shattered, that’s how these guys operate: they cajole and insist on seeing you, taking you out again (pushing past your boundaries) until you relent, then if you relent, they don’t call to meet up or if you do meet up, they stand you up. Poof.
People, a warning: Never fall for the assclown’s trick of wanting to meet up, even YEARS after going NC. They just want to make sure they still “have” you, and they’ve still “got it going on”, and that they’re a good person. See, their self worth and self image is borrowed from other people. Don’t be like them! Be happy – let your self esteem come from inside of you! Life is less messy and you get to be happy.
So True, it is so true what you said!! I have been on BR since February and to summarize the outcome (although I could say so much more) is that my self-esteem comes from inside now. Not from AC or his crumbs. It has been a huge change. It has been taking time and I am still working on it. What you said is thought-provoking. That ACs and EUMs derive their self-esteem from other people. I never thought about it, but if I dig deeper, although the AC I used to know appeared self-confident, there were some subtle signs that revealed his lack of confidence. Very good explanation about why they come back. They derive their “happiness” from crumbs from others just like we, pre-epiphany and pre-BR used to do!!
Natalie, the author, summed it up too. I keep coming back to BR because she is the first person I’ve come across to identify and name the “narcissistic harem” phenomenon. These AC men (I don’t know about AC women in romance) are extremely needy and look to women as their supply. They pair up with women who look to THEM as their supply. Dysfunction ensues. AC men go to great lengths to shore up an appearance of self confidence. They want to reap the benefits of being a decent, up front person without actually being one.
They only way to win their game is not to play. Doesn’t mean you have to scowl or roll your eyes at your ex either. Just be unable to meet up with them when they turn up and invite you for coffee, finally, to talk (all on their terms). Just be busy.
Shattered, the same thing just happened to me. He contacted me by text after four months of no contact asking how I am and saying that I am important to him (breaking no contact 2nd time after the breakup initiated by him). I thought for a while and did reply only to receive silence. It DOES undo all the hard work of no contact. However, what I think is although it feels like I am back to square one, I am more determined, actually I am fully confident to go NC with him for the rest of my life. I don’t need him. I don’t want him. I have no hope for reconciliation first of all and most of all because I don’t need him anymore. The very last contact that I had with him because I felt I will reply (suck it and see – great Nat’s article) and this act hit me on the head. I finally got it. I had to go through one more humiliation and a heartbreak to see finally who he is.
A decent guy, who contacts you out of the blue and checks on you, wants to maybe establish a friendship to meet and see how you are doing. To really see, how is your job, health, hobbies, or whatever else is going in your life.
ACs and EUMs contact and run off as soon as you show that you are interested and curious what he has to say. I see now how I had been refusing to admit that he is not a nice guy. I had been refusing to admit I made mistake. I accept it now. I made a mistake. He is not only EU he is AC as well. Not only he keeps bugging (although twice but that’s enough) my healing process, he doesn’t even mean anything by it. This last time I had a hope that we might talk and even meet. Not sure why. I am glad it didn’t happen. That’s how confusing these people are. I lost my respect for him and with that I finally lost my desire and any hope. He treats me with the same ambiguity post-relationship as during the relationship.
You are not a fool, Shattered. You are human. You loved him and possibly still do. It’s ok. His action reminds me what my ex did. Sniffed and ran away. So childish. So disrespectful. A grown up man either leaves you alone completely for a very very long time or for good, or he is checking if you are ready to reconnect as friends and follows up with actions, if you are ready.
Having said this, not only they detract us from our healing process, they detract us from Us. Amazingly and truly cliche, but it does work that way. I finally could breathe fully and told myself, ” I think I have moved on finally.” And he contacted. Truly amazing.
So when we are moving on and finally experiencing our newly found love for ourselves, fulfillment, and happiness in our lives, they reappear like they don’t want us to move on. Let’s look at them as obstacles to our happiness. Back then we used to think of them as sources of our happiness. Now they are obstacles. I am imagining a broom and whenever he comes to my mind (several times daily still), I sweep him out. Now, I will be imagining that I am sweeping him out with pile of dirt on top of him. I am cleaning out my house for good and finally am ready to shut the proverbial door (I thought I was ready back in April or so. Nope. Only now). Shattered, I hope this person caused you to disrespect him now. I certainly feel disrespect and disgust even towards this person who just violated my boundaries for no reason at all. The whole incident made me realize that I have become so much happier without him. Shattered, check this off as a good thing that happened to you? Because this is your next milestone. Next time you will not respond. Now it’s NC 100% and not looking back. It’s a progress, if you think about it. Although it does feel like going back. No, it will only become better now. We are very close. I do feel your pain. Hugs.
Sofia,
This contact apropos of nothing, then silence is INCREDIBLY common. Reject any negative self talk around this situation. This man is playing out a script perfectly. You have a chance to be free of conditioning. The gang at BR is here for support.
So True, thank you. I have been coming back to BR daily now after his contact. I get so much support here! I read older articles on self-esteem, growth, and understanding and solidifying the rule that there should be no contact with ex ACs. I tried out and did “suck it and see” by responding to his 2nd NC breaker. I thought maybe he wants to apologize (no of course not), to become friends (no), to reconcile (no thank you). I was curious to see what he has to say, so I opened a door a bit. Only for him to disappear. Wonderful! Because his silence finally showed me who he is. And that I don’t want from him any of the three above I am listing. I am done finally. It does feel like the weight off my shoulders. Took 8 months, but I am there.
Exactly. That’s what distinguishes a decent guy from AC. A decent guy might never contact or if he does, he will be more interested in your life beyond just a text. Sniffing and disappearing with a silence – that tells me all I had been doubting about. Thanks to BR and my hard work.
Shattered,
You weren’t a fool! See this as a blessing, you will no longer have any doubt as to who he is.
Shattered,
I can´t believe how predictable these ACs are. What´s with the sniffing around, it´s so disrespectful!
In my case, the AC contacted me TWO YEARS after I initiated NC, as if nothing had happened and – of course – I should´ve been happy and dandy, waiting all this time to jump through his hoops again.
I don´t know how they do it but I did wonder for a while, things like “does this mean he finally wants to be with me, for real?” and “ooh it must´ve taken him some effort to send me an email just like that, he must really miss me” and even “well perhaps we should be FWB… I wouldn´t care now. Not much. It´s better than nothing”. But then luckily the BR wisdom set in and the nonsense inside my head stopped. It was pretty easy afterwards to ignore him. It even made me feel good about myself, something like a glamorous, strong and bitchy leading character would do (I was thinking along the lines of Scarlet O´Hara but it can be anyone you prefer).
The thing is, when an ex who has been decent contacts you, it´s probably motivated by positive feelings. But if the guy has been a moron througout all of your interactions, it´s pretty certain you´ll be handed more of his crap again.
Thanks for all your wise words. It seems ACS all follow the same pattern. You’re right Lilia – he is a moron.
Unfortunately I have to see him at work meetings (but only for 2 more and then I’m out!) so I will just carry on as if nothing has happened. I’m actually feeling more angry than foolish now.
Lilia, when you say that a guy who was/is decent contacts after some time of NC, he means positive. Well, in my case, he contacted checking on me and saying I am important to him. Thinking that he might be decent, I responded after few days. He disappeared. I thought, if he were a decent guy, he wanted to meet up and talk, if I am up to it of course. For a conversation and reconnect as friends, again if I am ready. But the disappearing act after his message, does it made him a bad or good guy. I think it’s AC according to BR. A good guy who means positive, will call after some time NC if I am important and if I am important make an effort to meet.
From where I sit, you’re too worried about HIS feelings and possibly being wrong about him, as if you’re not giving him enough of a chance.
Who cares? What effect does his behavior have on YOU? If it feels bad, if you feel like your personal progress has been interrupted, that is plenty reason to remain NC – just because YOU feel like it. Enough with what HE might possibly be feeling – you don’t know because he won’t talk to you! It looks to me like he wants reassurance that he’s a swell guy, without having to be a swell guy.
So True, you are so right! Thank you for your input. Really helps to gain the objectivity in my situation when you are too entangled in your own thoughts. That’s what it is. My response meant that he is not such a bad guy (to him). Wow, incredible how these people operate.
Hello Shattered,
I went through a somewhat similar situation, Someone I had long thought would be the ideal partner, I knew met him 20 years ago and we fell out of touch, I ran into him at my daughter graduation and he stated he like to me up, I called him a couple of times and he seem to return my call every other call or I made to him. Initially he seem eager to get to know me, but then remained distant. I stop calling 4 months in. I had built him up so much in my head as being the man I always wanted to know. I became my biggest dilemna. He simply did nothing, other than sound like a gentleman and imply interest, but his actions or more likely in action spoke a completely different language. which was distant and apprehensive. I think he simply enjoyed the attention and was just ego stroking.
It hss taken me months to rid the idea of this man or more so the man I created based on how I wanted to see him in my mind. I felt loss sadness and a host of other feelings because I felt he would be worth knowing. Each day I put more focus on myself and work to create the happines that I deserve in my life without the thought of a man being an essential component to my finding happiness, I am regaining my sense of selfworth. I simply put to much stock into knowing a stranger, who choose to remain a stranger, which usually is all for the best.
Ginger,
Did he initiate any calls, or did you do all the work?
Thanks Ethelreda, yes I have been digging really hard into that box over the last few weeks and while I don’t have the urge to contact him there is always the waiting for him to turn up again.
I too did the crying at work, at home, at his place ha felt like I never stopped crying because of how he was and the walking on egg shells with him over just about everything I was doing, but I struggle with the residue of feelings I have for him, for the man I really thought he was and I have to say I have never ever in my life had to go through dealing with someone like this man, it took so much strength to finally break up with him and here I am still in ground hogs day.
I wonder why they don’t respect being told to not contact somebody, their sense of entitlement is overwhelming.
Wow Sandy ! You took the words right out of my mouth!
“I sometimes think was I bad person in a past life? Was I deserving somehow to be treated like this?”
I want soooooooooo desperately to be happy! I am so grateful for my children & good friends and I think I am a good person with good morals and values but am constantly dumped on by others. Which leaves me to believe I deserve this somehow from a past life?
Why Why Why do we let other peoples behavior determine our self worth ??
Phoenix,
I know we are worth more, like you I am grateful for my two children (I nearly lost my daughter because of how she felt about the AC) and my friends and family but happiness, true happiness just doesn’t seem to be there for me, no matter how hard I have tried over the last 18 months. I read everything I can and have alot of aha moments but I still struggle. I’ve changed so much that sometimes I feel I am unrecognisable.
After what I have been through in the last five years with him I have come to the conclusion that I truly do not want to try again (with anybody) and I think that makes me sadder then anything that that positive, feisty person is no more.
Maybe contentment and a calm life are good trade offs?
100% Agree with you Sandy! I too read everything I can – I have four books I read from daily : Billy Grahams Daily Prayer Book, Joel Osteens Daily Prayer Book, Melody Beattie – Journey to the heart & Joel Osteen’s book called “I Declare”. I pray morning & night. I have a gratitude journal. I am blessed with 3 children who respect me. I have incredibly positive wonderful friends. And yet I can’t stop obsessing over what my siblings and my ex feel towards me. Since my ex and I split six years ago I have had suffered in silence over their low opinion of me. Because I separated from my husband at the same time my assoholic boyfriend from high school came to town they ALL believe I left my husband for him. Not true. Nothing I say will change their minds. They all seem to forget that my husband of 28 years abused me emotionally, was addicted to pot, had a two year affair and after separating abandoned his children due to starting a new relationship within 3 months. And in April I was “informed” that THEY will decide how my parents Last Will will be distributed – I might add that my parents are a very young “75 yrs” and are in excellent health. I am absolutely heartsick that they think so low of me. I know I am an honest, sincere, compassionate, kind woman and I hear this from my children, friends, co-workers etc… but not from them. They judge me because I get minimal spousal support – they feel sorry for my ex having to pay it. Since my husband left six years ago my house has literally fallen apart so I’ve had a lot of repairs & renovations to do. To keep the cost down I did most of the work myself. I learned how to lay a ceramic floor, re-finish kitchen cupboards, replace plumbing etc.. My parents are very proud of me and vocal about it and it literally drives them crazy. I believe they are afraid that my parents will leave me more of an inheritance due to my financial circumstances (they all earn 5 times my yearly income)and that’s why they are determined to get control. I personally hope my parents spend every dime they have enjoying their retirement to the fullest and that all they leave behind are wonderful memories. So again I agree with you! After what I have been through in the past six years I have no desire to try again with anybody. I too would give anything to be that positive happy person I use to be. I am so filled with grief that it is an effort just to go to work most days. I don’t know how some people sleep at night. I know if I treated anyone so disgusting I wouldn’t be able to close my eyes for the guilt. I hope they are all happy .
Phoenix,
I am so sorry!
Have your parents spoken to your siblings? Is there a remote chance they would be open to family counseling?
Why do they get to dictate your parents will?
Hi Allison,
I have not told my parents as I know this would hurt them too much. As for family counselling – that would not work as they truly believe they have not said anything wrong to me. I met with one of my closest friends on Friday and she really helped me put things into perspective. My ex husband contacted me this weekend and apologized for how he has treated me and our children during the past six years. He is also stepping up to the plate and paying proper support without having to get lawyers involved. I am relieved. Along with all your positive feedback I feel so much better. I decided this weekend that my physical and mental health are way more important than what a few people may think of me. I was letting their opinions fester in me and destroy me. I love them all very much and wish them all the best but I am letting it go. I know who I am and I know my value. I shall look at the past six months as a little hiccup in my recovery from years of abuse and consequently low self esteem. I know I contributed by my reaction to these behaviors and I’ve recognized what I need to change in me not to allow any of this in my future. I have too many blessings in my life to dwell anymore on the past and mistakes I have made. I am choosing to look at life through my windshield instead of my rear view mirror! A huge THANK YOU to Natalie and ALL of you for sharing your stories and responding to mine! Sending out ((hugs)) to you all in gratitude xoxo
Phoenix,
Only the best to you! Sounds like you’re on a great path!
Because you don’t push back?
Try it some time. The look on people’s faces is astonishing.
And then write yourself a prescription for ‘1 x change of scene, big-time’, and go and have an adventure that doesn’t involve other people.
In my experience I’ve learned that when I push back I get pushed down even further. I feel like just as I pull myself up to the top of the mountain someone is standing at the top and with one shove sends me spiraling back down to the bottom 🙁
Phoenix,
You have to understand why you are choosing, who you are choosing. This is not about past lives, but what you believe you deserve. You are choosing people that are incapable of bring you a healthy relationship, you need to do some soul searching and dig into your past to understand your patterns to break this cycle.
Allison,
I agree. I’ve never felt like I deserved goodness. Every time I feel the slightest bit of happiness it is shortly replaced by fear. Because I know it won’t last and something bad is right around the corner. I’ve always been a happy positive person and have always looked for the good in everyone – my children constantly tell me that’s what they’ve appreciated the most about me, raising them to have gratitude and how to deal with adversity in a positive manner. For the first time I am really struggling with this alienation from my siblings. I’ve been able to handle it from others as they weren’t family. This has really left me speechless and knocked me sideways.
Sandy,
You can’t control his actions, but you can control yours. You know who this guy is, and it’s time to give up a lost cause. Go NC!!!! Please don’t do this to yourself.
Allison, I am no contact, even to the point of changing my phone numbers, but that doesn’t seem to stop him. He’s rung work, he’s driving past the house, he’s turning up at my back door, eighteen months after we broke up and it’s still going on for fuck sake!! I understand that he still sees me as a doormat, someone who always took his shit but what he doesn’t understand is that I have changed and I will not take him back!
I will not go the restraining order way as I know that that reaction would just make him think that “oh wow she’s angry but still reacting to me, so that has to be a good thing”..yep sad to say that is how he would think, so yes I agree totally with the no contact and believe me when I say I never initiate contact, at all, I just wish he would get it!!
Yes I have down days but coming on here and getting the support I so desperately need from women who understand what I am going through helps keep that back bone strong.
I just want peace, I don’t think that is too much to ask for.
Sandy,
I’m sorry, but I think a restraining order would show you really mean business. You’re totally being disrespected by this guy, and he simply believes you will give in due to history. Who cares what he thinks! Don’t you want this creep out of your life?
Yes I do Allison, I know you are right but I think I fear I will look stupid if I do go that way..two weeks and counting, I will see how it goes this time, I have told him if he contacts me again I will pay a visit to the lady he is with now. I do appreciate what you are saying but I want to prove to myself that I can do this without going to those extremes, an ex of his did go the restraining order way but then took him back, I think that is why it wouldn’t phase him.
I truly think the no contact upsets him way more than that would, he is extremely narcisstic in that respect, can’t understand why I couldn’t possibly want him in my life.
I can do this, I won’t let him beat me down.
Sandy,
The only way it wouldn’t work, is if you respond to him.
No offense, but it seems that a few too many excuses are being made not to make a more dramatic move, I mean 18 months is a ridiculous amount of time to be harassed by someone. I hope I’m wrong.
If you allow the authorities to respond – as opposed to the way his ex responded – he would know you were serious.
Are you really ready to let go?
Today I,
1) Wrote a letter to an old friend – the kind you put a stamp on!
2) Did a task at work that no one asked of me, but will be appreciated
3) Ate chocolate chip mint ice cream at lunch!
Hi Espresso,
Sometimes being as busy as you are can bring happiness. You are taking off your focus on the X and putting a positive focus on yourself! Well done! Time does heal and you are well on your way to more happiness. Sometimes at night before I fall asleep I tell myself some of the good things I did that day, my content level goes way up. Best wishes to you!
Yep, needed this post—just had a successful line-up of interviews (hired for 4 positions, rejected them all); however, none of them are the jobs I REALLY want. Since I have not heard anything back from the jobs I really DO want, I beat up myself and complain that no one wants to hire me, that I’m unemployable, etc, forgetting that my skills and talents are wanted somewhere by someone. Instead of using the former as evidence of my employability and pat myself on the back, I focus on the latter and feel unhappy and disconnected from reality. Thanks, Natalie as usual.
So by that same line of reasoning, perhaps I should take it that the obvious assclowns I have been rejecting lately show that I’m wanted somewhere, by someone?
They make me wonder what I’m doing wrong.
Hi Nat,
This is most relevant due to where I am in my journey of life to date. I have been deliriously happy these last few weeks especially, absolutely beaming inside and really reiterating and voicing it back to God, the universe, and most importantly to myself that I am so happy.
I have never been this way before and this is a different kind of happiness though as due to nearly a year’s intense internal and soul searching work, it is more me being stoked at allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to just simply be (as Nat succinctly writes above) with no expectations from others or from myself. The aim/internalisation initially was to get better, heal, and find a way out of the dark existence I had unconsciously succumbed to (for the most part of my life) rather than finding happiness. And what do you know, happiness has found me with balance now my pursuit in light of Nat’s following words “…if we don’t allow ourselves to experience happiness and other good emotions, we’re cutting ourselves off and accentuating sadness, fear, and anger.” No-one can ever live and be 24/7 happy or unhappy, that is not normal and it doesn’t make sense either.
Learn to soak it up is spot on for those unable to sincerely enjoy even if momentarily the experience of happiness and the capacity to bring on happiness for those around them. Again I am in a profound state of happiness and it’s not a look at me, me, me intention, rather as Nat says it’s more ebb and flow (that is a really nice combo) and that includes life’s bumps.
I love this post, and I love this response, because I think I am in this place too, after decades of being unhappy – kind of low-grade flu-type unhappy, that I could never quite shake off.
My happiness began the day the EUM told me he was now seeing someone else. When he told me who, I erupted in laughter, because she was even more EUM than he was.
I thought I’d be upset, but it was like losing 110kg of unwanted weight. What a nice surprise!
Since then, there have been some ebbs and flows, but I’m coping much better. Taking myself off the market, emotionally and internally, was also a very good idea.
I am still Unready, and may never be Ready, for a one-to-one romantic thing. But I am hugely Ready and Open to just about any other kind of productive and happy relationship. Result – I now have more of them in my life, and am very content with this. This weekend alone, I have a baby shower, a birthday, and an engagement party to buy presents for!
And yet a few years ago, Self Pity Me would have been aching inwardly and quite possibly outwardly as well, because ‘I didn’t have a baby, or a boyfriend, and no one will evuh marry meeee’.
Not any more. I put that particular burden of expectations down, and have never looked back.
Ethelreda it is joy to read this. Enjoy looking for the ‘present’s!
Wow Natalie. This post is so spot on. After being in a relationshit with a typical Mr unavailable and thinking the sun shone out of his backside for a year and a half. Him blowing hot and cold and not over his ex I was suddenly left high and dry, was very nieve, confused and heartbroken. I proceeded to do the inner work with the help of your blog and subsequently met the most wonderful caring man who I am happily engaged too. I do however catch myself sabotaging a happy existence. I seem to get paranoid and question and doubt the peace and happiness that I have. Thank goodness this man has the patience of a saint! He has never given me any reason to doubt his feelings or intentions. Not one red flag has ever featured in our relationship and trust me my eyes are wide open! This blog has given me a lot to think about in terms of enjoying this love for what it is, accepting it and not sabotaging it with past baggage. Thank you so much!
Hi, just some thoughts on sabotaging things….
I get confused between 2 items
1. Do I struggle to let go of men who are not right for me ( unavailable) and
2. Am I sabotaging happiness and healthy relationships with men who are not unavailable
I met someone few months ago and thought to myself , wow this guy seems emotionally healthy. Then after each time we met he would never ask to see me again , he wanted to chat on phone or text me so I would ask questions about it or say something like ” we are looking for different things, I want to be seeing someone and you want to just keep in contsct”. After that he would always insist we meet. He also said that he is spotaneous and doesn’t plan much ahead and that it’s obvious and natural that we would meet . Now this was almost a regular drama thing after spending nice time together . I was confused with how can you be interested in me and not try to make sure you see me next week or in next few days and this was making me more and more anxious . Anyway story is longer and it’s all finished now because in the end I managed to get him to admit we want different things and I said no to keeping in touch. But I really want to know how to deferentiate between sabotaging due to undue anxiety and inability of walking away from unavailable people as point 1 and 2. I must say I often struggle to figure it our from the blog …. Can someone shed a light?
A_newme…
In my experience, he is telling you he is EU. When I started hanging out with my ex (we were friends for 2 years), I would mention doing something on the weekend during the week and he would be like yea, maybe…I don’t plan ahead I just take it one day at a time and live in the moment. He’s classic EU, still is. He broke up with me last year and 3 months later began something with someone who is just as EU as he is. Making plans in advance is too much of a commitment for them even if they want to hang out. I like to plan so it was frustrating when he would always say, yea, maybe. I would always tell him that it made me feel like he was waiting for a better offer from someone else instead of saying yes, let’s do something. I put up with it though. Regardless of his lack to plan, we were together all the time anyway and had lots of fun….but looking back there were so many red flags.
Unavailability is epidemic and it comes in so many forms, it’s just insane. The phenomenon that does my head in the hardest is when the unavailable one is pushing for intense involvement right at the beginning. Isn’t that ‘romance’ the way it happens in movies and on TV?
A-newme, this story reminds me of dating the last ex. Into about 3-4 months of dating I started feeling in my guts that this is a casual/permanent but committed type of dating situation. Exclusive but with no progression. I had the intuition. Did I listen to it? No. But I did continue nagging him into month 7 through 11 and the last of it, where do we stand instead of just quitting it. No, you are not sabotaging it. He is EU. He just wants to stay in touch, not plan anything with you, and he is “spontaneous.” Word for word my ex said during the first 3 months of dating. After that I “made” him to admit we are building a relationship, but that “relationship” remained a permanent but stable dating. No progression whatsoever. Don’t waste your time. He is passing the time. You are not sabotaging it. Great you are listening to your instinct. Follow it.
A_newme, you won’t have anxiety and questioning whether someone is into you and interested building a relationship. They will be making plans and will be there for you beyond the regular bar hours on a Saturday night. They will be present in your life on different levels. There will be progression. You will naturally become more intimate and close. You will feel calm. That’s how it feels with a guy who wants to be with you. My ex-husband was like that and couple guys I dated after my marriage. You just don’t worry about anything. They show and do beyond the permanent dating kind of stuff on the weekends that lasts into months or years.
Hi, a_newme
As a guy, one who has dealt with a lot of Miss Unavailables and who’s been working on his own issues, I can say that when I want someone, I definitely try to make sure I see her again as soon as possible. When I get her number, I might let a day pass but I am going to call and try to make plans to see her no later than the second day so she knows I’m serious about it. While I am a planner, even when I’m all over the place doing activities or dealing with life, I will make time to text, call, and invite the woman I like to either something I’m doing with friends or to ask her to coffee or watch a game with me, anything. Nat is right; I am never too busy to contact someone I really like within a short time period. I just try not to come on too strong because I’m wary of rejection like everyone else.
What this guy is doing shows half-hearted interest. And any time I hear a woman says she’s “spontaneous” or I see that in an online dating profile, I immediately red flag her and write her off as a prospect. In my experience, being “spontaneous” comes out in behavior as, “I have no clue what I want, I’m not reliable, I can’t commit to anything, and I’m generally unstable.”
I’ll take steady and reliable any day. Either way, if he wants you, he will make sure you know because he doesn’t want to risk losing you to someone else who is more assertive.
I am having a bit of hard time working out what is sabotaging my own happiness.
I am in a great place at the moment, with my career, my friends, life in general and not in a surface way but a real deep contentment that I guess only comes from knowing how unhappy I used to feel. An unhappiness that just “was”. When I was with my EU/Sociopathic ex and the subsequent EU ex after him, I was never happy even when I felt happy. It was never actually real.
Now that I realise all that and that I am moving on from what I experienced in those 8 years I have found a true happiness that comes from realising that I am responsible for it. Where/who it comes from and that is an awesome power.
However at the moment I cannot seem to see what man will be best for me to be in a relationship with next.
There is one I spoke about the last time I posted who made me so so happy. He increased my failing confidence tenfold and made me get back to the woman I have always been, however I just sense or maybe worry that it cannot last. He has been up and down and I struggle like you A_Newme, to work out if he is just a good guy having normal good guy cold feet or if he is EU.
There is also a lovely man of fantastic character who I have known for many many years who I feel almost in the right place to give it a go with.
I say almost in the right place because I suppose I have never felt that I deserved to be with him. That I was too much of a mess for him.
Now I am more healthy I wonder if it could work?
I suppose I too am just wondering, when you have done the work to emerge from the ashes a more available and healed woman, how do you know who to give your hear to next? Its tempting not to give my heart to anyone just to avoid the confusion! lol! But that would be sabotaging my own happiness 🙁
Thanks Nat.
Boo
I always look at it this way – is there a risk? Yes, but if I do not take that risk I might lose everything that will ever truly mean anything to me, because this might be the right woman to share my life with. I will never find out if I do not try and learn who she is.
All depends on if you think it’s worth the risk, I guess. Good luck 🙂
Thank you 🙂
Risk is a funny thing 😉 I was talking to one of my good friends about this the other day and realised that my risk taking radar was a bit off…My friend thought it would be risky to go for the on/off guy. It is a risk to go for someone like this, but for me personally this is a risk I am super comfortable with! I have always been in a relationship with this type of guy!
What feels really risky for me is to give it a go with the nice guy. The guy with good character, morals and values. To me this is risky because I wonder if I will be good enough in the end for someone like him.
See the thing is even though I know of course I am good enough, and even though I have done a lot of work on my self esteem I am still scared. Taking this personal risk where I listen to my best self and not my scared self is my new challenge:)
Don’t feel bad; I struggle with the same thing. The dichotomy played out for me last night. On the one hand, I was being chatted up by a young woman who set off a ton of red flags – promiscuity, ADHD, she mentioned crazy relationships, dropped more than one sexual hint – and it scared me that I felt *comfortable* with that. On the other (we were playing volleyball, a weekly activity I do that is coed) is a very nice young woman I have known for almost two years. I’ve always found her to be cute and nice, fun to be around. But she is stable, doesn’t radiate sex, and I’ve never asked her out because I have never thought I was good enough for her.
Well, I made the uncomfortable choice this time. I exchanged numbers with the nice girl and invited her to hang out with my group of friends, which she accepted. Chasing the sexual excitement is what keeps getting me in so much trouble. I really want to develop a real relationship with a nice, attractive person like this instead of getting on a roller coaster with another exciting nutjob who will give me sex pretty easily.
I have no idea what will happen. My last EU ex is hanging around my social group, I suspect peeing a circle around me where she can. I might ultimately get turned down for a relationship with this one, but I’m certainly going to take this risk and go with the uncomfortable unknown.
Baby steps 🙂 You can do it, Boo. I did have to stop, look, listen, and think in the moment. But at least I am learning how to do that and be decisive.
Thank you so much Burned…I hope that it goes well with the girl 🙂 Well done for making a different choice 🙂
I totally relate to everything you have said, it is so similar with me and the men I’ve had in my life. This is the first time I feel I have such a clear choice between what I have always done and what I could do differently.
I have also already accepted an invitation for a trip with the guy with amazing sound character. We have been great friends for over 10 years so I am sure we will have a fab time whatever happens. But I am glad I made the choice to say yes as I almost didn’t! It feels uncomfortable for sure but we shall see how it both turns out for us 🙂 Good luck to you too and I will certainly stop, look, listen and think in the moment too 🙂 great advice!
Thanks 🙂 And great that you made that choice. I hope you enjoy the trip and find happiness. We can’t all keep getting sabotaged by these dysfunctional people and allowing them to ruin the good ones out there. I just always remind myself when a woman is a jerk to me, that it’s about her and not me. I can’t control her behavior or explain why someone would do those things. I wouldn’t, but they’re not me and it’s not my problem. Developing a short memory; it’s a big world and I’m always on the move. Someone else always comes along. One day, it’ll be the right person as long as the boundaries stay in place and I demand an appropriate amount of care, trust and respect. My mom put it best when I was telling her about what my last ex did, and she was the first to explain to me that I was dealing with emotional abuse. She said, “This woman is emotionally kicking you in the teeth. It’s no different than if she’d been regularly punching you in the face. Would you accept that from someone? I don’t think so. Just because it’s not physical abuse doesn’t make it any different – it still hurts and causes you pain. And you’re going to go back for more?” That’s what prompted me to Google “emotional abuse” and I found BR that day. Stay strong. Of course, if you’re with someone who has good character and high integrity, you won’t have to worry about it. 🙂
This response really spoke to me on so many different levels. Made me realise that not sabotaging happiness is such a deeper issue then just a current relationship. I too was in an emotional abusive relationship for 7 years and the subsequent short relationships were just as emotionally painful.I learnt to shorten the pain by getting out quicker but it is a pattern I have recognised in all my relationships – pain, neglect, manipulation.
You are very right, having boundaries in place makes all the difference as well as what your mum said “are we going to go back for more”? That is definitely the question to ask! I am always tempted to give people first, second, third chances. Its in my nature like I guess all of us. You just expect people to behave the way we do but everyone is different. How we would behave is not how another would.
Not going back is also a challenge!
Thanks
I know I don’t intentionally set out to sabotage my own happiness, but when things go well I actually brace myself for the inevitable fallout… I think this stems from the fact that my whole life has been about bracing myself for when fleeting moments of happiness disappear. For e.g. growing up with a volatile step-dad was tough, you never knew what kinda mood he’d be in when he came home from work, so you’d tread on eggshells until you knew it was safe. Some days he was great, like a REAL dad should be and other days he’d be aggressive, critical, argumentative, verbally abusive, tyrannical and generally unpleasant.
I learnt from a young age that good things rarely last and my love life (or lack thereof) has further reinforced this belief. Not a single relationship has made it past the 3-6 month mark and I’m now 30 wondering if they ever will?
The last guy I was seeing earlier this year (he got to 4 months) was kind and thoughtful at first… But turned out to be yet another selfish, emotionally retarded, EUM – this time with deadbeat dad issues on top. He never revealed or shared any sincere thoughts or feelings, and when the topic of his dad would come up (never instigated by me), he’d make some off-hand joke and laugh it off. This was generally his reaction to any conversation that got a bit deeper than he liked – like the time I shared with him that I have Lupus… He just sorta sat there with a blank expression as if someone had cut out his tongue! There was no questions like, “are you OK?” or “can it be treated?” or even “is it contagious?” (one of my faves, hehe) – he just shut down entirely. I shoulda known from them that it wasn’t going to last, but I stupidly persevered hoping he’d open up to me after a while. But after 4 months, I got tired of being held at arms length and decided to call it a day last month.
So for now, as much as it irks me to admit it, I’m taking a breather from the dating game as I feel drained. I’m going to put my trust in fate, destiny, or whoever runs this show because after a solid year of being proactive with regards to dating and meeting people, I’m no closer to being in the relationship I desire.
Thanks again for your insight Natalie, you never fail to touch a chord with me! 🙂
I hadn’t heard from my AC for months, then all of a sudden he asked me to go shopping with him. We had a really, really good time. He was fun. I was happy! Then later that evening he asked me to come over and help him paint. We painted until 3:00 a.m. I stayed the night, and yes, we had sex. I left his house the next morning, taking his laundry with me, later delivered the nicely folded clothes. He was still painting, so barely took the time to even acknowledge me. My happiness slipping a bit. Then the following week…nothing. My happiness REALLY slipping. Then a random text from him asking how I was doing, and we talked about how his house was coming along. My happiness returning. THEN…the next day…I thought I would be nice, take him some coffee, offer to help him finish his house. I sent a text telling him I was on my way offer. I’m still happy! When I get to his house, there is a car in the driveway. My happiness turns to that really sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. I went to his door. He answered and said “I can’t be with you right now.” I asked “Why?” He answered “Because I have a friend over.” I said “Unbelievable.” But it really wasn’t because it’s happened so many times before…only this was the first time I was actually at his house to witness it. I spent the rest of the day sitting in humiliation and questioning why I ever thought my happiness was real with this man. I did the worst thing I could do…sent him an email that wasn’t nice. But the bottom line…after 5 years of humiliation after humiliation, yet still believing he was my “happiness,” I am done.
Rewind…is the AC’s name JIM??? Ack, I can’t believe these guys are so similar. And that MY level of happiness increases when MY AC instills hope in me. I haven’t been with him in quite a while now but I know somewhere down the line he will contact me and my hopes will soar.
I have been dating someone COMPLETELY different for the past 3 months. A man who is sincere, caring, loving, tender,giving, communicative, AVAILABLE, emotional, etc. etc. … and what do I do with it? Complain, ignore, dismiss, and my libido is almost nil with him. I have no reason not to like him but I continue to doubt his intentions (while I KNOW cognitively he is a REALLY GOOD MAN plus he is very good looking!!! What’s wrong with me????) I have had the feeling that it’s all about me believing I don’t deserve to be happy…this post came at a good time for me before I completely sabotage this new relationship. Perhaps I will go to a professional and see if they can knock some sense into me!!!
carolyn – have you asked yourself if you are emotionally unavailable yourself?
Carolyn is it Clayton?? Hahaha it is truly amazing isn’t it how they are all alike!!!
The guy you are seeing now sounds absolutley lovely but if you are not ready then you will sabotage it no matter how much you may not want to. I think it would be a good idea to see a professional, not for him, but for yourself.
carolyn, are you attracted to him on any level? I tend to agree with Lynn. You might think whether you are emotionally unavailable yourself (as most of us are on here or used to be and are recovering). You might have put up your boundaries high to protect yourself from getting out from your comfort zone (being with ACs) into uncomfort zone (being with a normal guy).
But maybe you are just not compatible with him? Do you enjoy spending time with him at all? 3 months is a good time for dating already, so I guess something is sticking.
Look into your gut and try to figure out what’s going on, really. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work out even if a guy is a nice guy. I had a thought that if I meet a nice guy should I try really hard because he is nice, just for that reason? Because I have a 8-year history of dating ACs and EUMs?
I think you know the answer yourself, carolyn. Think about it when you sit alone in quiet and attend to your mind and intuition.
Rewind,
Please see Ethelreda’s comment up above to me, dig deep into that box of crap that memories of being with him is made of.
Don’t stress over the e-mail it shows him how you really feel and that is a good thing, why should he get away with doing what he has just done to you again? Stay strictly no contact from now on, it is his loss not yours! You deserve so much more, someone who will be there for you, who won’t play games with your feelings and will truly appreciate who you are.
Rewind, the issue is that you have linked “pleasure” to this man, as a drug addict still associates their drug of choice with pleasure though it has ruined their life and is in fact that source of their pain. It’s happening on an emotional level, so that it can’t be fixed so easily with intellect. So there is no use beating yourself up.
The solution is to squarely link “pain” to him as other commenters suggest.
Don’t worry about making him understand how bad he made you feel – just go full tilt No Contact – not even a nasty look or sarcastic remark. This man is not the source of your happiness or unhappiness – you get to determine your life.
rewind, thank you for sharing your story. It really helps us, those who suffer from AC’s reappearing contact and doubting whether to reply or not. We have to stay put in our NC zone FOREVER to protect our happiness.
Your story is heartbreaking.
These people have no shame and no mercy.
Rewind,
Who cares if you gave this man a peice of your mind? He probably deserved that and then some. The trick is to do this ONCE and then initiate NC and stick with it. Things only become problematic if threats are made (this crosses over into abuse and is unacceptable) or if MULTIPLE emails or texts are sent giving someone a peice of your mind.
I am not a fan of the ‘the walk away, go NC and say absolutely nothing school’ of thought. I think that this lets these idiots feel like they’ve gotten away with what they have done. This is just my opinion but I think it is totally reasonable to just the once at least, let those who’ve blatently hurt us in a romantic relationship know this, and if dishonesty was involved on their part (I’m not sure if this applies in your case ie I can;t tell if you were supposed to be exclusive) to call them out on this too.
Don’t be too concerned about hurting their feelings. People that mistreat others know when they have done this, and actually are not at all surprised when it backfires and someone gives this a peice of their mind. I know this from my experience with the ex, (now deceased) AC that landed me at BR.
Wishing everyone well.
Teach 🙂
For a long long time I was afraid to allow myself to be truly happy about anything, because when I was really happy, I wasn’t paying attention to anyone else and that’s when bad things happened to those around me. It’s still hard for me to n let go and be happy, but I do and I have found that bad things happen, but they happen anyway, even when I am constantly vigilant and doing my best to keep the bad at bay. I learned that we need to experience both good and bad, and to accept happiness when it comes because it isn’t always going to be easy. I have learned how to get enjoyment from the little things, how to be happy in moments that to others may seem very dark, because it’s all about perception.
Thanks for another great article 🙂
Hi BR Buddies,
I’ve been doing very well. I continue reading here although not commenting since my time is limited on the library’s computer. Anyway, so many of my worries that I had expressed long ago on BR have been resolved. I’m a much calmer, emotionally secure person. “MR. Wonderful” ( I’ve forgotten whether or not that is the name I gave him most recently) is still very much a part of my life, however, I’ve grown so much that his importance is shifted. We still care for each other deeply but moreso as good friends. And, that’s okay with me. I’m not the same the same anxious, confused, scheming, obsessive woman who was trying to make our relationship something it will never be. I’ve TOTALLY reached acceptance that it is what it is and I’m content. REALLY. I’ve learned loads about myself over the last three years with BR and my therapist’s help. Life for me is good.
Hi Tinkerbell!
It’s lovely to see you doing so well. Thought about you the other day, wondering how things were going. 🙂
Hey Tinker,
Missed you!!!!
Happy to hear you’re happy!!! Are you guys still together?
Awww Tinker so glad that you doing well;) and accepted Mr Wonderful as he is! All the best to you xx
Rewind,
I hope you really are through with him. He is using you and not being very subtle about it. Stop doing too much and trying to be all things to him. More times than not, all you will get for your troubles is a kick in the butt. I’m not saying every man will do this, but it feels so much better to have him trying and going overboard to please you rather than the other way around. Plus, men generally prefer it that way rather than being smothered or chased. They don’t even appreciate your being available at their beck and call ALL THE TIME. Put YOU first, honey. Let him see you have your own life and your own stuff to attend to. Envision YOU as the QUEEN and he is merely one of your subjects. You’ll get a lot more respect and much better treatment.
Carolyn,
If you are thinking about seeing a professional it may be a great idea. As you learn to love YOU more, you will begin to feel that you DESERVE a man that will really treat you well. You won’t put up with any jackass who is constantly trying to jerk you around and treat you like a doormat. It all begins with KNOWING that is not the woman you are and not changing yourself for anyone. You can meet and keep a good man in your life as long as you keep your boundaries in place.
Lynn
Just to say thank you ! It’s nice to have a confirmation I am not a lost case , just need to run quicker than after few months of putting up with that . Still reality is I miss this clown!!
A-newme, after 8 months of healing and BR, I think it’s not that we miss them. We miss our hopes and illusions what could have been. We miss the good times. The lost dreams and hopes. Our time and energy and emotions invested. We are heartbroken. We don’t really miss them after some time goes by. They are sources of pain. It is all very complicated but I am finally arriving at this.
A question:
Weeks back I posted about my first love of over twenty years ago who, in July, reappeared big time in my life. He also happens to be my second cousin…The first time round, he ended the relationship by letter telling me his feelings were as kin only, though I’d discover years later that his parents threatened to cut him off and he buckled (and lied to me). Fast forward to this summer, he came to visit me, all the truth came out, he still loves me, always has, lots of tears, both mine and his, then he returned back to his country…to his wife. The following week, I told him this was not a scenario I would stomach so I wished to end contact. Intense back and forth via email, he told me he was ending his marriage, wanted to move to the UK, was coming to see me to talk about being together, but I smelled a rat, I felt he was writing these things to me to keep me as an option, and the s**t hit the fan, I was very angry with him. Anyways, rather presumptuous of him, and what about courtship?
He kept finding ways to stay in contact. A friend of mine whom I adore and lives near him is very ill, and he’s going out of his way to help her. I appreciate his interventions and so does she, but I’m sure he’s at least partly doing it to keep his foot in the door with me. He calls me up and we talk about what to do for her, but I hang up feelings depleted and upset. It doesn’t feel clean. I’m sure he won’t leave his wife. Plus, even if he did, I don’t think I’d want him, what an irony.
A week ago, after a very long conversation with him, I quietly blocked his email account. I recognise I need to move on, that he’s a selfish drain on my life, even though the connection is incredibly powerful. I want something more gentle, nourishing, quiet, gentle. In other words, I value my own happiness. I’m determined to follow through this time.
And here’s the question: should I send him one more email- calm, brief, letting him know that I don’t want to have any more contact- or not? I don’t want him to react as if my wish is a challenge. But it seems rude not to let him know I’m withdrawing (though I wouldn’t let him know about blocking his email…
What’s the etiquette?
I’m generally in the camp of not leaving ends dangle and doing my best to be absolutely clear, so I would send a brief email and then block, block, block! What he does with it, how he takes it, whether or not it’s a challenge to him… all irrelevant. That’s his problem. But YOU have to be clear about your motives. I think the only way a “final message” works is to have no ulterior motive at all – you can’t be secretly (and sometimes subconsciously) trying to get a response, get him to care, get him to wake up about what he’s doing, get the satisfaction of telling him off, keep the drama going, or whatever. As long as it’s focused on him, contact of any kind is bound to fail. A final brief (and it should be very brief) message is something you do for YOU, to clarify your choice (that you’re choosing yourself and your own worth) and putting it out there in a concrete way.
Thanks Wiser- your words helped.
Sent the email.
Well this is certainly me.
I didn’t like the way my boyfriend at the time regarded me, so I broke up with him. I didn’t like my job, so I quit and went back to college for drawing.
Yet, the next guy I tried to sleep with treated me much worse than the ex. I also realized I had a substance abuse problem. I went to rehab, completed the program and have been sober since.
My biggest stressors now are school (it gets physically exhausting for me), my grandmother’s cancer, possible bed bugs still in my apartment (long story/I’ll spare the frustrating details), money issues, and my insomnia, an unpleasant neighbor, and just apartment life.
So over the past three years I have shed so much baggage and peeled back the layers and what I have found is a bit sad. The main person I modeled my romantic relationship type after was a man that I lived with as a toddler to six years old who molested me at night (he would come into my bed).
So, as an adult I went for seedy men and tried to get them to love me and tried to love them enough so they would change for me. We all know how well that works.
Anyway, lately at about 11:00 p.m. (I’m guessing that was when my aunt was asleep and he’d come into my bed) I start to get flashbacks, panic attacks, sob uncontrollably, and have a very strong urge to die and thoughts of suicide (I call my grandmother and/or a suicide hotline). When I think of what that man did, I wish I never existed. I can’t/don’t sleep at night anymore. I get a few hours before class after the sun has came up.
I can’t take sleep meds due to my recovering addictions and I had a terrible reaction to antidepressants. So it’s all me. At this alone. And sober. I feel everything. It hurts a lot.
So, I have tried near every source available to me. Except the one I’ve been avoiding the most: Spirituality. I’ve got to get myself into some yoga. & I’m taking my grandmother to a really beautiful churh Sunday where I feel comfortable.
I shy away from spirituality because it seems incomplete and scary. But I need something in that realm.
And interestingly enough, after each late night panic attack, once I get through it I rapidly approach neutrality to my toxic type.
I go to school part time and cry part time. I am releasing the toxicity of what that man did to me.
Peanut, a lot of us come to spirituality kicking and screaming and only after everything else falls apart, but I urge you to keep yourself open to the idea of it. You remind me a little bit of spiritual writer Anne Lamott, who was a tough kid with a tough life, an alcoholic, had an abortion, her relationships all failed, she felt suicidal – in general her life was a wreck. But she felt pulled towards God in some way, which horrified her. It was the last thing she wanted. None of that God crap for her! She writes in one of her books that when the thought came to her that she was going to be a Christian, she turned her face to the wall and said aloud, “I would rather die.” It’s this kind of honesty and irreverence that has made her so popular and I think you’d like her.
Spirituality would help you put your grounding in a different place – not in what happens outside of you or what others do to you. Yes, those things still happen and are still problems that need to be dealt with, but they don’t have the power to define you anymore, because your identity is now in a different place. It’s hard to describe. I’m on that journey myself and now I can’t imagine life without this deep sense that at my core I have an inner partner, an inner upholder, and an inner lover. I don’t always have this connection, but when I do, I feel a peace that nothing can take from me. Best of all, I don’t feel like “it’s all me, at this alone.” So I urge you not to be afraid to explore where some spiritual searching could lead you.
Wiser, I agree with everything you said. I feel the same way. What I would like to add that it is a constant work. It is like climbing out of the mud many times. It is a struggle sometimes, but now you are not the same anymore. Your internal world has changed completely and you view the external world and the life here as only temporary, and so your outlook on life changes, and so are your choices and your view of happiness as well. There will be attempts to go back and to turn away from your Faith. But then you come back to it again because you can’t imagine your life without it anymore because it’s ingrained in you now and is a part of you. You will never be the same. Once you see and feel the light you will know it. Peanut, I think you have already.
Peanut I use a combination of yoga techniques and sensory things/ spirituality/ therapy, to help get me through my trauma, flashbacks and keep me in reality.
I find it doesn’t get rid of flashbacks totally – yet – it gets rid of the flashbacks way sooner than before increasingly – so I can sleep not brilliantly but much better than before – and it stops the churning over and over in my mind like before – as long as I act straight away – this is key.
Here are some things that seemed ridiculous to me but they actually help me. Maybe they will help you? It helps to have a number of things to do at the ready and keep finding new ones, then you can choose the most appropriate at the time without having to faff around. You may have to build up your own good ones that work for you but you can try these out while you find more. At first you won’t be able to react straightaway – forgive yourself and don’t be too disappointed – Rome wasn’t built in a day – KEEP AT IT – you will get quicker and fall off the wagon less the more you act positively for yourself on the traumatic thoughts you are getting.
Yogic physical exercises at night
With your right hand – rest your thumb on your right nose nostral, your next two fingers resting comfortably on your forehead, your 3rd finger ready to block your left nostral but not blocking yet. Blow out through your nose while the right nostral is blocked. Release the right nostral and depress the left while inhaling. Do this for as long as you need to relax and realine yourself back in your room.
Clench your feet tight, hold for five seconds and relax, do this methodically to all your muscles from your feet up your legs to your arms to your shoulders, to your neck, face, nose cheeks,lips.
Strong scents that are unrelated to the abuse and only known to you now/or when relaxing – i use lavender and clary sage essential oils. Go and find your own but ask for help in finding one to help you sleep, not ones that will stimulate you. Put a couple of drops on your pillow – no more – they can become overpowering if overused.
Get up and fill a hot water bottle – covered by something that is cuddly and lovely to hug.
Changing my sheets on the bed.(I love that fresh crisp clean feeling).
I do anything basically to reconnect with my actual physical reality.
From what you describe you really should not be fighting this on your own – this sounds like you are facing serious trauma Peanut – this is a journey and it has a very real affect on your present life. I tried fighting it like you on my own but found it much much better with help. It is really important to get it out with a trained therapist in this area or psychologist that you trust to be able to say everything that is in your head, not hide anything. You will be amazed at what you can achieve and how things will change. You just got to stick at it and forgive yourself when you don’t. We all fall off the wagon at sometime we are human.
This post has Godly timing for sure. I was just thinking about this. I have the job of my dreams, but I have been getting frustrated at my lack of work-life balance. Hello! It’s a new job with a steep learning curve. It might be challenging, but what things worth having in life aren’t? I am starting to roll with it and just enjoy the process. Also, I am FINALLY attracted to a man again, for the first time since the ex. What did I do? Texted my ex. Luckily, this time, I realized I have no interest in him at this point. I’m over him. However, I recognize that I was almost trying to self-sabotage myself. Crazy! I’m a caregiver and really need to learn the art of a healthy level of selfishness. Thanks Nat!
Rewind- YOU are the AC here as you are being an AC to yourself. Why does your happiness revolve around this guy?? Do you really think you have nothing to offer yourself that could make you happy?
I know, Rosie. I have a lot to offer, but have forgotten about myself for many years, focusing on this man. New month, new me!!
Rewind,
You are getting high off the ups and downs of this. It’s akin to gambling. It has nothing to do with happiness. If the sex was good and std free (he’s obvi doing this scenario with others), then you are lucky; count your cards and fold.
You referred to him as an ass clown. He’s not going to change for you. Nobody can do that and quite frankly we can’t expect them too. The bad you have had with this guy is what you’re going to get. He got free house work and maid service. And no strings sex. And then he wanted it with somebody else and you had to come down. He doesn’t care about you. He’s using you and you let him. I know I sound harsh. But that is the truth. These types of guys really get under my skin.
There are wonderful men out there that don’t need to use people. I’ve met a good enough number to give me hope. You will never find one while avoiding your problems with this guy.
And again, not to be rude and with all due respect…what did you expect? You said he had been this way before. Doing nice things for people doesn’t change them. And a nice evening isn’t hard to swing for most humans. There are people who build steady, nuturing relationships on decades. True intimacy takes time. And you know this guy already and what you know is that he hurts you. Stop. No contact.
I hope my comment finds you…I am typing from my phone.
Xx Peanut
Thank you, Peanut. I need harsh words. Your comment “doing nice things for people doesn’t change them.” Throughout my time with him, I truly thought my happiness in doing and giving to him would also make him happy. It never worked that way, but I sure kept trying.
I am done and have gone no contact. Licking my wounds at the moment, but also feel better just knowing I can do nice things for me!!
Hi!
There are a lot of stories told here…some sad and some not that sad. It is really annoying when you understand that the only person that stops you dreamed happiness is… you! I saw it for myself, too; and I think that in some point of our live we all have to pass it- it is part of our growing.
Of course there are many people who don’t see it and continue to live that way… which always end to a failure…
Like I said I felt it myself and I will give my best to don’t be back there.
Petya
I believe you are spot on!!
Rewind,
Yes, turn all that niceness inward to you. You have that power and right to spend your energy taking care of and comforting you.
Profound Peanut. I think your postings on this thread have been extremely profound, useful, and insightful. They’ve helped me.
I saw myself in Rewind, too. When I had that good boyfriend years ago, I was somewhat bored by him, even though I knew this was a very nurturing supportive love, I was bored. The ONLY time he ever piqued my interest was the one time he was almost an hour late for a date. He had never done that, and I was worried about his being safe at first, but as the time dragged on, I noticed that I was also unexpectedly interested in him. His possibly standing me up made him more interesting to me.
Somewhere I had learned that “hoping for mutual” is more exciting than “having mutual”. Or maybe it’s the early family dynamics that I am accustomed to – I was always “hoping” for acceptance and validation and support from one family member or another.
Somewhere I also learned to acquiesce to other people’s needs, accept the short end of the stick for the greater good of the “whole”, NEVER ask people, or horror, DEMAND people accommodate ME.
I am attracted to people who can think of themselves first…part of me admires their ability to do that! The ex-BFF I ran into last week…?….I have to laugh because in that short 3 minute reunion I saw that selfish trait that I admire in her. Here I am standing in this extremely long line waiting on my jerk chicken – line so long that I had to feed the parking meter again – but the ex-BFF walks into the place and goes to the head of the line…..because she had “pre-ordered” I heard her say. This place does not advertise pre-ordering, it’s a ramshackle “joint”, not a sophisticated eatery. MOST people just grin and bear it and wait in the long line, but not the ex-BFF. And she was always like that. And I saved the phone number so that I can pre-order next time! I’ve been going there for years – NEVER thought of that and never heard anyone else say that before.
I cater to the needs of my selfish friends, then I start to desire some reciprocity …and it rarely happens. It is insidious that I too (Sofia) have picked ACs with a conscience – they sometimes give back, but it is out of duty or guilt. But that “sometimes giving” keeps people like me hooked. It’s psychologically proven that the mouse will keep hitting the lever for the reward when the reward is intermittent as opposed to when it is always rewarded. That poor mouse works his poor nose to the bone for that “sometimes giving”.
I was missing the fun of AC this week – he and I played a text game we made up, and I enjoyed it, and I started to drift into missing him…then I asked myself: when was the last time I felt teary ? forlorn? abandoned and empty? All pre-no contact. All with AC. I realized I am just plain lonely…not lonely for AC.
Wiser,
I had a good, deep cry reading your comment to me. A hopeful one at that. Anne and I do sound quite alike.
I had my weekly appointment with my therapist; her office moved to an old church downtown. After telling her I can’t take the psych meds from the doc as they make me more physically sick than I am mentally ill, she prescribed a daily 5 minute meditation. I happened upon the church sanctuary as I was leaving and thought I’d get it over with there.
It is such a beautiful structure all bathed in wood, stain glass, and dripping in red velvet. And I prayed. And weeped a bit. I was alone. I did my breathing meditation and, yes, it helped though it is only one of many that is needed. The first step. Truth be told I am pulled to Christianity in some ways though where I’m from people make a mockery of it.
My spiritual path can be my own. I don’t have to go to rock concerts for Jesus or sling hateful diatrabe at those who are different. It can be private; it can be for me.
I’d rather be an atheist and put my faith in science and rationale but either I am really bad at or it’s not working. I love, old pretty churches. I can start there. I can pray there.
If what I do is spend the rest of my life making art on a spiritual journey (even if I never leave this strange town), that sounds at least reasonable.
Peanut, my epiphany relationship and something that happened during it and the breakup, led me to God. All I can say, without developing the subject here, is that I don’t know how I would be able to go on without Faith. No, it is not about hating others and/or going to concerts with Christian music. Far from it. I hope you will find your path. From what you are telling, being drawn to the church, it means that He is outreaching to you with His hand. Keep on walking towards Him, even if with little steps and some backwards steps too. 🙂
For me, spirituality came in the form of Buddhism. There are lots of other religions besides Christianity. Buddhism is non-theistic and does not require worship of a deity. But you can be a Christian and Buddhist. Buddhism is very welcoming and does not discriminate. I’ve found it so helpful and have gained so much happiness from it. Best of luck.
Joyce Meyer is a super successful & happy and confident television preacher (you can find her shows online too) who overcame abusive (psychopath) parents, sexual abuse, drug addict family members, parole ex husband… you get the picture. Check out her story, rather than others (who didn’t have so much to overcome)
Elgie,
Your words have helped me a lot too. It’s funny, I never imagined I would be how I am today. I never cared for getting too deep into things. Now, I often feel as though my soul is being ripped from my body (not entirely sure what that means) because I am so lonely and scared sometimes. I do a multitude of things to overcome this but I always end up in pain. I think half of that is just being human.
We avoid the good guys because without all the drama there would be intimacy. I fought being close to my grandmother for near three decades and finally, when I became an art major and she became my biggest fan ecouraging me and spurring me on, I let my guard down and spent a lot of time with her. Then she got cancer and I’ve had to see her sick and I just don’t know what to do with myself. To see someone you love so courageous and strong get sick and get right back up courageous and strong and sick again will rip your heart right out from your chest.
That’s what we’re afraid of: To love somebody and have life circumstances steal that from us. Being human is precarious business, we’re rather fragile for this earth. To love somebody is the bravest thing of all.
Sometimes I feel so near death from stress, lack of sleep, food, and water (admittedly my own doing), but I keep on fighting to figure out how to take care of myself and process my grandmother’s illness. The ultimate prize of neutrality toward the ex is becoming mine as well. It was hard fought and came with a cost: I had to get honest not only about my romantic relationship choices, but all my choices. I have finally purged any and all wants of that man from the deepest depths of my psyche. Long battle. Hard fought. Almost won.
Don’t give up Elgie.
Yep ok yesterday I finally finished the re-decorating my home – 3 rooms done – after needing to do it for over 4 years and having a few major physical difficulties! And yes for about a mili-second of a mili-second I was allowed to feel pleased, maybe proud even???!
I hadn’t killed myself, knocked over an entire vat of paint on the carpet, slipped from the top of the freezer balanced on a chair on a table, demanding a&e attention and possibly another major operation, died from starvation from the headaches from intoxication from the paint fumes, been caught mid flow by a critical overbearing peeping tom landlord who wants to see me fail and never let’s up on an opportunity to show me so or tell negative stories to my neighbours, who dutifully pass it on etc…there it was on the wall in front of me finished…a clean wall – the last of them all – so I sat there for a minute….several hours later and many, many imperfections now glaring at me I dragged myself to bed….2 o’clock in the morning – way past anything decent for me.
I got up late this morning, which I hate, and instinctively went straight to the last wall… disappointment!!! all the imperfections had disappeared while it dried!!!! And the whole house feeling clean, tidy and organised! There was a slight blemish but not even worth worrying about….
so…. missing breakfast, cooking things throughout the day totally unsuitable for me to feel good, sitting still not acting on the list of stuff needed to help me continue feeling good, making piles of new unorganised stuff – floundering around like a fish out of water – I am also asking what on earth am I doing?
What exactly am I waiting for?
I know I should be doing something fun but….
I went out – to finish weeding the garden I said but really looking for validation, some sign, some kind of reward mirror of my new home and goodness and hard work and found…. a new neighbour who ignored me point blank, ushering her friend back into her house without eye contact and a horrible looking unrecognised brown letter in my mail box.
Panic not.
I actually began to relax while processing this and realised – that WAS what I had been waiting for – a catalogue of seemingly unsurmountable wrong to focus on, to beat myself up and occupy myself with completely and stop me focusing on doing something fun as celebration.
I am actually not used to having little bad to focus on and slowly over the summer and with therapy I have been actively doing things to turn my bad things into positive things but I never for one moment thought I would run out – I thought it was a never ending thing and it is if you go looking for it – hense I cracked around 5.30pm this afternoon and instead of attempting to focus on doing something that is joyous and fun I actually went looking for bad stuff to worry the bejesus about and feel that overwhelming guilt again.
I don’t know how to do fun or joy.
I seem to have an attachment with guilt because without it does that mean I actually have to start going out and actually enjoying myself and succeeding AND meeting people? Were all those people all my life really wrong? By sabotaging my happiness I am able to completely avoid facing it definitely….and knowing that the biggest abuser of myself is me.
This sounds ridiculous but I think I need to plan fun in somehow. Anyone else had this feeling?
oona,
You and I think similar in project type situations perhaps. You are just a lady (with physical challenges I think I remember reading who finished renovating her home and extra kudos for that). This is stressfu stuff anyway. I think you sound fine. And you know what? I heard no mention of a Mr. Unavailable. And that’s what many of us are trying to do–figure out how to confront all out problems that we hid behind unavailable men.
I recently completed substance abuse rehab and have been told repeatedly by professionals that my life will be pretty frustrating for at least the next year while my brain rewires itself and I figure out how to cope and change where previously I would have used.
I think most of us here are just trying to live more authentic, peaceful lives than what we’ve previously had. Go easy on yourself; you don’t have to change right away. Interpersonal change is a steady and gradual process. What you’ve done with your new home is astounding. You strike me as very strong motivated; keep going.
I think you are correct Peanut – a ‘surprise’ visit or text, or call from any unwelcome or toxic guest is totally de-stabalizing – and meant to be = it is in THEIR CONTROL ALWAYS and keeps you there!
Yes I have done the years of work, made endless mistakes and am beyond that. I am well and truely ready for any unwelcome visit in everyway (in my personal case I don’t believe my ex would dare – he runs the real risk of being locked up thankfully).
Natalie describes that you need to be able to be vulnerable to allow fun in and I agree. I am now an expert at being strong, tough and safe and working my way out and keeping away from trouble (self harm or harm from others)… that I am actually not doing fun.
For Christmas last year I spent it on my own (third year) moving a heavy solid wood wardrobe from one side of my home to the other!! – safely shuffling, taking things apart to pieces with a screw driver, working it out, using tools and moving it piece by piece over days and putting it all back together again the other end of the home – in the correct place – having just had major surgery – people were amazed. It was better than having seven bells beaten out of me, sexual or emotional abuse or self harming but that was my idea of fun!? AND I can not tell you the joy I felt in achieving it – for about two minutes – until I found something else to OCCUPY me.
I did need to do this and it was a physical emanation of my psychological makeup at that point but the vulnerable thing to do now is – fun.
Balance is important – it is also how you self protect yourself along with the other strategies of boundaries (ie non contact) etc… I believe you need a combination of safe and vulnerable to be truely safe. Only I’m not actually sure how – its been a while (my abuse history starts from under the age of four with serious physical abuse – broken bones and developed with abuse from the parent of my friend, who skillfully transferred the shame to me – wrongfully – but not known to my child self until my 40’s). It stopped me playing for real with any new friends from then on and I now recognise the old ‘fun’ things I did most of my life – were not actually my fun things – they were others – which I mistakenly thought would keep me safe and free from shame.
Lately as things improve and the chores become less obvious – I worry about ‘doing something fun’ (those words exactly in my head) and stop (which is terrifying to me) = resulting in the over riding impression it is easier/safer to ignore it and go back to the chore hunting and doing – which I have become an expert. I believe I could literally physically move a mountain – piece by piece but if you asked me to have a laugh/fun about it!!! – and in public!!! with others!!!!
You should see my home – it is absolutely spotless – unhealthily so. I don’t want to be occupied – I need fun.
It is so right that a contact from the EUM can be so destabilizing. My ex and I are still in contact because of work we are finishing up, house sale although we live in different cities now. Slowly his emails start ramping up the frequency and yesterday I was upset all day because he wrote on my private email which I had kept completely private and is only used by close friends and colleagues. It is like somebody said here….he is deliberately trying to screw up my head except in this case, it is all the the guise of “being nice” because he had to get in touch with me over some irrelevant thing. It reminded me that when the EUM contacts us it should not be considered as flattery or anything to do with us. It is ALL about them and their needs, particularly their need to be seen in a certain way for THEMSELVES – so they can know you are not THAT upset with them – hey, you are in contact so they can’t be THAT bad. Basically if you have told a man that you don’t want him in your life and you want only the absolute minimal business contact and you don’t want to see him, hear from him except for clear business things (as in my case) continual efforts to contact me shows complete lack of respect.
He left a note on my desk that he actually stole from my desk in MY office and then he tore a piece of paper from a work pad and wrote …that when he said he couldn’t give me the relationship I wanted he was just being honest. So it was really my fault I stayed even though he kept saying he wanted to change and was trying to. That sums it all up. First of all, he never really tried to give me the basic parts of a loving, engaged and empathic relationship and then of course he blamed me but making himself look good…”I was just being honest” bravo for me! When men say this, run like crazy! It is bs.
Espresso,
If my ex spent half the time calculating his image in his own mind on actually being honest, he’d be a different person. That’s why the don’t; they don’t want to change.
A woman recently told me that men who are in their twenties don’t grow out of being jerks; that’s just the way they are. I completley agree.
Struggle and hardship can change a person but only if they have character to begin with.
Best of luck to you. I hope you and this clown can part ways soon enough.
My last comment sounds a bit bias and sexist. I’d say most people are who they are by the time they’re adults. I know there’s no set timeline but it’s good to have values figured out by then, too, or ASAP. Or by 30.
Sandy- Doing this by phone so hope you find this message. Please re-read what Allison is saying and asking. Are you ready to let go? It seems as if you’re in a mental power game, trying to prove to HIM how strong you are. Sandy, F**K HIM!!! WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS??? Let it sink in. He was abusive to you. A restraining order plus NC is protection for YOU.
I admit that I had a fling with the guy who brought me here (yes, “futon guy”). It was different this time because I was different this time. He even commented that I seemed more secure than last time we saw each other. He said that this is the first time I seemed secure since he’s known me.
He was only going to be in town for a few days and I was one of the people he wanted to see. At first, I said no and explained how I felt mistreated. He owned his nonsense and apologized. Since he was only in town for a few days and I only had to deal with him the one day we would be seeing each other should he be a jerk, I agreed to see him.
I had a great time! He went out of his way to make sure I didn’t feel like a blowup doll. Our date wasn’t just one big make-out session ending in sex. We talked more than we kissed. See, he was different this time too. He too seemed more secure In himself than the last time we saw each other.
He’s still Mr. Casual and still has a selfish streak so I don’t see him as relationship material nor is he applying for the position of “bf”. Knowing this, I still agreed to have sex with him. I wasn’t using him as an escape from my life being up in the air nor was I trying to rope him into a relationship. My decision was about enjoying the night, enjoying him so giving myself permission to be imperfect.
Here’s where this relates to this post on how to be happy: Having sex with him was a stupid decision. Because of the oxytocin, I think I know him better than I do & have more false bonding going on (hopefully, the oxytocin will wear off in another 5 to 6 months). I definitely busted God’s boundaries &, though we used condoms, I need to get checked out for STDs because who knows where he’s been? Yet, I am still a happy person!!! I can make stupid decisions while being aware that it was stupid, forgive myself, and learn from my sometimes stupid decisions. So…my three takeaways from that night are: it’s OK to be imperfect; God is not at all surprised when I sin; I’m not in control of the world, only myself. Yes, I am happy! 🙂
Oh! Another lesson in learning to be happy: I was walking home from work Friday feeling drained from the heat and long, hectic day. An elderly passerby commented, “What a lovely smile you have!” This made my day! I wasn’t even aware that I was smiling. I must have been thinking of my li’l charges (I’m a nanny). I love my job, love my li’l charges and I guess it shows even when I’m exhausted. 🙂 This taught me something about feeling happy. Our thoughts/perspectives control our emotions/responses and overall sense of happiness.
When going through breakups & tragedies, it’s normal and healthy to experience deep pain. What I’m talking about here is what we choose to focus our attention on in everyday experiences. We can kick jerks out of our head and replace them with happy memories of places and people who actually like us! 🙂 I did this today after my mom hung up on me. I went for a walk to get her out of my head, stopped by the lake, focused on the peaceful environment, got caught up in excitement for the little boy who was catching his first fish. Thoughts of my mom were nowhere in there and, yes, I walked home smiling. 🙂
Rosie,
You are so right!
When we focus on the negative, it only serves to eat away at our own happiness. Draining!
I used to keep my EXs as friends before becoming BR family member. I realized that they were staying around only for ego stroking, and I do not keep them any more. I enjoy watching them coming for their daily food, the way they become so disappointed when they realise that I am no longer available for my services.
I am the one who is enjoying now and there is nothing better than saying big NO. I am practising for AC who brought me here in case he contacts me, my aim is to disappoint him and give him my best smile ever. Now I know he wont be only disappointed, but he will be hurt too, and that will be my best revenge ever.
I am getting there with the help I get everyday from my lovely BR family. Not yet dating, and not in a hurry, just enjoying ‘ME’ for the first time. Goodluck to everyone.
Matlou,
Good for you in cutting contact with the past!
I might add that you should only focus on your own happiness, and work toward indifference to your ex. Focusing on the moment when you can feel some sort of revenge, is still holding on to the past. Try to move forward and be less concerned when you can return some form of pain. It’s time to put the sole focus on you and your growth!
So you all saw my post…how I stopped by his house only to find him with another woman…and I have gone NC. But truthfully, I am really, really angry. At myself mostly. But also because he gets away with it. How I would LOVE to let the other woman know that he had just slept with me the week before. How do you all get over the anger and wanting him to pay for his actions. Instead, I go NC and I am the one that can’t sleep, and I am the one that has a heart that hurts, while he continues on with his evil ways. Ugh.
Rewind,
The longer you remain NC, the less interest you will have in him. After time, you will truly wonder what the frick interested you in this guy, and it will be a distant memory. Time and NC are the remedy.
I also suggest you examine what interested you in this guy, and why you would allow him to treat you like an unpaid member of his household staff. You are doing waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much for men, and it sets up a scenario of becoming a doormat. I know I am being harsh, but you need to examine why you are doing so much for someone who does nothing for you.
Let them take care of you, and please do your own laundry!!!!
I am guilty of being a people pleaser. Throughout the five years I stayed with this guy, I thought the more I did, the more he would see my worth. Wrong. So I am examining why I do the things I do. I have counted at least eight other women throughout my time with him, and those are just the ones I know about. But I always thought if I did things for him, I would be the one he wanted. In reality, I was the one he always came back to because I let him. When I reflect, it’s embarrassing. I can’t change his behavior, but I can change mine. I will remain no contact, and yes…do my own laundry! :-).
Rewind,
I think when we don’t value ourselves – I was there, too – we feel that we will get some sort of reward for all that we’ve done. I’ve learned that I should never do anything expecting something in return, but that it should come from the heart. It’s funny, the more we do for others, the less they respect and take advantage. If we don’t respect our own value, no one else will.
Also, being aware if it is a reciprocal relationship: If I am always questioning the status, or feeling that I have to give much more, then I know its not to be.
You are so right! You can change your behavior!
Good luck 🙂
Allison, this is so incredibly true. It seems counter-intuitive, but no one respects those who are too helpful, too accommodating, too nice, or too giving. There is a smell of something unhealthy about it. It’s true in relationships and I’ve discovered it’s especially true in the workplace. I used to try to be a people-pleasing “super employee” and all it did was turn me into a doormat that people had no respect for while they they were taking advantage of me right and left. As soon as I risked saying “No” to supervisors and standing up for myself (which was really scary at first) and speaking uncomfortable truths in meetings about what was really happening at work, I was amazed at how people responded. There was a lot less false “niceness” flowing in my direction and a lot more respect. All it took was one day finally deciding that I was sick and tired of being afraid – and the great epiphany was realizing that there was nothing to be afraid of.
Wiser,
You are so right!
Unfortunately, in the work environment, we cannot choose who we must associate with, when it comes to personal relationships, it’s another story. I no longer internalize others behavior, and am quick to distance myself when I see shady behavior. These folks are who they are, and I will no longer waste time on toxic relationships. If I keep these folks around, then I have no one to blame but myself.
Thanks, Allison. I am changing my behavior one step at a time. It was never a reciprocal relationship, but I refused to believe that he didn’t care about me. A lot of work on my end for someone not close to be worthy. I do KNOW that his behavior was prompted by my behavior because I gave him no boundaries. He’s still a rat.
On to better relationships for me, including having a loving relationship with myself.
Rewind,
I can relate as a guy I went on a few very good dates with, slept with and saw potential failed to tell me the entire truth about his friend that is a girl and that he hangs out with quite a bit. It wasn’t until I brought it up one night while out that he told me the truth. They see each other quite a bit and sleep together once a week. She has no clue about me and he has no plans on letting her know, even though I desperately want to tell he and not to hurt her, but to spare her continued effort at trying to be with a man who doesn’t respect her. It is hard and as humans we want others to pay for their wrongs, but it is not up to us to decide the consequences they one day suffer and they will Just stay no contact!
I’m not sure how I’m tracking on this front. I still have depression. I’ve suffered this on & off all my life & have been told I have what used to be called ‘reactive depression’. This means the cause of the depression are things that have or are happening to me, about which many folks would have a similar response ie as a reaction to being bullied at work over a long period of time, for example, & ultimately, my career & finances suffering as a result or enduring years of child abuse over which I had no power to leave the situation or to protect myself from).
Anyways, now that some of the praticalities in my life have stabilised (ie my house is secured & I have an income to live on, all be this very modest) I’m employing my own combination of therapy to slowly propel myself back into the world. (which is a combination of pet therapy, CBT, behaviour activation therapy & importation of practical support to address medical treatment for ongoing physical health issues).
By doing this I’m having little glimpses not so much of happiness (although this oeaks through on the odd occassion – maybe once a mth for an hour or two for example), but moreso contentment. I also take great pleasure in the smallest of things & I do this very often. Multiple times a week even if not daily. Enjoying a weekend newspaper with a cup of tea, for example, or a simple weekly or fortnightly phone call with at least one friend, or cuddling my new rescue dog.
On another level I’m dealing with an existential dilemna. Struggling to enjoy my studies because I miss being a musician, where uni is just a means to an end in terms of solid employment in a more stable area down the track. I don’t focus on this though. Lots of folks have to give up their passions as the reality of needing to work in more stable areas dawns upon them. Instead I focus on how fortunate I am, to have a home & the priviledge of access to edctn. These are things I don’t take for granted because I had to fight for them.
I also feel a lot of gratitude for the mentoring I’ve received over the years in a range of areas.
I’m not sure that I’m truely happy exactly yet, but I do feel as though if I keep up my current efforts, I might feel this more frequently in time.
That’s it for me. Just doing the very best I can each day.
PS Great to hear of your wonderful progress Expresso. I’m very happy for you. Great stuff!
Rewind- Honey, forgive yourself. This is the first step toward healing. Unfairness exists in the world. Not that this statement helps you feel better, mind you, but what a relief it is to know that it’s not our job to fix the world. This realization helped me to get my mind off the guy and back on to what I have going on in my life that needs repairing, goals I’m working toward, events I’m planning, etc.
I make it sound easy but it’s not. Funny, when I first learned that the guy who brought me here moved out of state to attend grad school, I was really upset because here he is, a jerk, who is off being happy and accomplishing his goals. How dare he do such a thing, the cad! Yet, strangely, it inspired me to get busy with accomplishing my own goals. Thus, I started to focus less on “woe is me” and more on “Ok, where do I go from here?” I did go on a date recently with the guy. We were both different, both of us were more secure In ourselves and in our lives. I was expecting to feel sadness and anger that he is accomplishing his goals while I’m still far behind from accomplishing mine. Yet, I was really happy for him and respected him for it. He’s earned his successes.
The point of telling you all this is, when I stopped focusing on “the cad” and focused on what I can learn from him and apply it to my own life, I stopped being angry because I got busy with my own life.
I would feel deeply hurt, too, Rewind, if I were in your shoes. Sit with the hurt and anger without judgment. What changes are you going to make so this guy doesn’t hurt you again?
I am going to continue to have no contact, work on my self esteem and get my joy back. You are correct…I can’t change him, only myself. Right now I am angry and hurt. But this too will pass. Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. This is tough.
Burntbymissunavialable
Thanks for male insight to my situation! I actually said the same stuff to him re his expression of being interested . Anyway to me half hearted is basically unavailable . I want a black and white person- definitely interested or definitely not and consistent rather than hot hot hot counting days and then hours for 3 weeks as we were both away and because I told him to go away…. Tell me he has no doubts with how he feels about me and just hopes I feel the same blah blah blah just to see me for a day and not try to see me again, suddlenly the fantasy expired orrr he didn’t want the mouse he caught. Anyway! I wish him go to hell and all assholes . I m done with them.
Ladies we have to grow up and learn to love ourselves , which is what I am focusing on and funny enough I am only just discovering what person I truly am inside. I think she is quite nice and worthy.
C’mon now. We care so much for the other women in these ACs lives that we want to protect these women’s hearts and tell them what an AC he is. Really. Has nothing at all to do with wanting to ruin the fun for the AC?
Ok. If you say so. Don’t be surprised if the other women don’t care and/or already know…so how would that make you feel?
Rewind, I see nothing here that you need to forgive yourself for…but you need to get real with yourself. You desperately wanted this AC to want YOU. You got high off of being “chosen”. When you saw that in his mind you were just for a holiday and not everyday, you got mad.
I read your post and I winced at each sentence…oh no she didn’t…oh no she didn’t…. you just went crazy with giving. Like he was some kind of grand prize for life.
That has everything to do with you and where YOUR head is….almost nothing to do with him.
I don’t even see this as a case of no contact being the cure. He is not using you so much as YOU are using him to feel —-what?—— needed/desirable/involved/not alone.
He took what you willingly gave.
When you get your head straight, things like that won’t happen.
I felt particularly lonely last weekend, came to work Monday, and lo and behold a boundary-buster text from ACMM. I texted back that I did miss some of the fun things. OMG, the reset text followed with him saying he and ‘Petie” missed me too. SLAP! Felt like a mild slap in my face even though he thought he was being encouraging. Next reset mail said he wanted to come by and bring some beer. In his mind he was being magnanimous because he rarely brings anything, but the beer he mentioned is one that I told him I did not like. SLAP! SLAP! The reality of him set in….
And just like that I was free.
I texted back that it was not my favorite beer and that I forgot to remember that what I like does not concern him. He texted back that he did not remember my not liking that one beer – he could bring another kind. An hour later I replied saying the other kind is an improvement but, No, no visit…I was just wistful, thanks, but I do not want to resume contact.
And I feel just like Olivia De Havilland in “The Heiress”…when she spurns the handsome suitor because, as Plain Jane as she is, he is not good enough for her!
Elgie,
Wait a minute! I thought your were going to block this dude???
Gurl, you can’t be that lonely!!!
Thank you – so loved reading this Elgie R –
‘The reality of him set in
And just like that I was free.’ It is quite a beautiful.
He didn’t get the comment about what you liked not being his business anymore then? Or did he think he would just steamroller his way in anyway?
“ I thought the more I did, the more he would see my worth”
That NEVER works. It’s taken me most of my adult life to realize it NEVER works to “do more” to show your worth.
I think that is something that may work in organized childhood activities – MAYBE – but it NEVER works in adult relationships.
I had that epiphany at work today. I have supported SoftwareSystem A for 8 years, it is a big success, no issues. A few months back my spite-driven Director, at my review, moved SoftwareSystem A to Coworker . My Director couched it as making space on my schedule to be backup to larger Software System B, but I know it’s really a move to remove my autonomy. That backup position is a lesser value position, so far.
I have been helping Coworker, but it rankles me to see my words to him sent out in emails by him to the Director. Coworker would not know any of that $hit if I did not tell him. I’ve had several moments of internal rage in the last few weeks. But just TODAY, I realized – I DO NOT have to help Coworker. Does not make me a bad person to NOT help. If my knowledge is worth something, then give me a title and make me a lead. Other than that, I am going to use my time to learn my new job the best I can.
Coworker can learn however he pleases.
See…I’ve seen this movie…at this same job. I was the “ghost” support for another large system and I saw other people get praise at the end, when I had been the behind-the-scenes puppetmaster.
No one forced me to help in that case….it was just my nature. I think my Director counts on my Pollyana-ish attitude – he knows I want to help and he is fine about my help being invisible.
But….now….thanks to BR…..my eyes are open. Know your worth. Live like you are worth it.
And also….thanks Joan Rivers. A Hollywood writer, a minority, said Joan Rivers told him that if someone tells him you can’t do something, give them the finger and say *uck you. Made me realize that I can say No, I won’t give my knowledge away for free and I don’t care whether you like it or not.
Elgie R,
Funny about the beer, my ex AC couldn’t even remember the date of my birthday after five years together, you know why…because they really don’t give a fuck about what you like or anything that has to do with you. Petie?? Oh my god what an idiot he sounds 🙂 Good on you for realising it is just your loneliness and wistfulness that is at work here. Mine too I must admit, I do feel lonely since he turned up unexpectedly a few weeks ago but I will be okay, as always.
It’s true. If a man doesn’t take a basic interest in the spelling of your name, your birthday after five years together etc. it’s because he can’t be bothered – in contrast with an available man in love.
Sofia,
Your words brought me to tears. Both comments. Thank you. I never thought in a million years I’d crave to sit in the pews of a church.
Peanut, it is wonderful that you are drawn to the church. He is calling you. Keep going. You are on the way to healing. Only after I reached my limit and broke down feeling I don’t want to live anymore, God called me to come to Him. I am stronger and happier than ever.
Wiser,
Last night I called the suicide hotline again after sinking into a deep hysteria after leaving my grandmother’s house and seeing her in pain. The woman’s name who took my call was Anne 😉
Praying for you.
Peanut, I think the pain you are in is breaking you open, which is terrifying but is also the first step to real healing. I believe this is God trying to get at you. Reminds of that Leonard Cohen quote “There is a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in.” I really hope you will read some of the authors we are suggesting to you. Others have been exactly where you are so you are not alone. We love you and want your healing so much!
Anon,
You are the second good source to recommend Joyce (my primary care doctor talks wonderful things about her books).
Oona,
Thank you for your lovely comment to me. I found it very helpful. I have been working with a trained therapist (who specializes in incest trauma). I have been seeing her for the last four years. She is a wonderful, rare and good find. And patient too. Very patient. The problem was (I see now) my drug/alcohol abuse was masking a lot of what I’m suffering now. So the real work has only just begun (as I must be consistently sober to properly heal, at least that is what I’m experiencing).
I was seeing her once per week and now twice.
I love the smell of oranges 😉 Xx
I’m 1 out of 3 for finding a good therapist. Good for you.
Oona,
We have a lot in common I think; I’ll be spending this Christmas (as I do every other holiday sans family). It saddens me, but at least I could get away from the violence. But it is so frustrating to work so hard to get away from a violent family only to start self-harming.
You sound like such a fabulous human being. I’m sorry that all of that happened to you. It’s heart breaking. I got choked up reading your story. I hope we find peace and happy lives.
Nat, I apologize if these comments aren’t going where they need to be; I only have internet access to my phone and it isn’t allowing the ‘reply to a comment’ option.
So True,
Though I’ve never had an outright bad one, I did have to go through a few before I was ready for what I needed. Don’t give up. Don’t stop searching.
And So True,
Thank you for the prayers. They mean a lot to me Xx Hugs to you.
Wiser,
Yes, I am taking note. And I really can’t adequately express how grateful I am for your and the others’ words. They get me through the darkest times.
Working hard on being happy, even if I have to force it. Struggling with feeling trapped both financially and emotionally. Job search has thus far been a suckfest. Alternately feeling grief over my dads passing and anger over his messed up affairs which is costing me serious money, keeping me from doing what I enjoy and getting stuff done. Feel horribly lonely what with having to see the AC at work, being texted by an attached dude I was seriously attracted to, having to cut loose a wounded bird/energy drain plus the overall feeling that unless I can leave soon, I will be alone permanently and that aint OK. Enjoyed some satisfaction last week: sat by a fire I’d kindled myself, with wood I cut myself, eating food I grew myself, in soil I built by composting; all while reading blogs about the end of fossil fuels and subsequent collapse of industrial society. Yep, we have far more pressing issues in the future than EU’s. Wondering if this is a sign to give up and bail, head for the woods. As though the Universe is telling me it is time to go but does not show me the way. Trying to take things one day at a time, and shed the loneliness and sense of futility. My logical mind tells me to slap myself upside the head, be grateful dammit, my emotional mind has lost all hope. Weird.
Ooo don’t know where to start here.im all new to this. (A good friend sent me this) Not sure if my head is in the right place to talk either. Basically my partner of 12 years plus we have twins together. .has left me a week ago.im devestated. Hes been threatening for a while now. Out of the blue last Sunday while going through the door he said…I have a flat. ..and bought furniture…plus he had the keys for 3 weeks and didn’t know how to tell me.off he went to work with a horrible arsey attitude. Came home that night and took the kids to the park..there he told them everything without explaining to me first. They are 9 and ended up telling me daddys plan. I have read through many messages above. Alot relates to me with the power and control thing with him.he doesn’t like seeing me have fun…happy…ahhh the list goes on
he doesn’t even realise he was doing that. Thinks hes mr perfect!
Anyhow there s noone else involved apparently.i have to have contact because of our kids and when I see him I brake down. We have broken up a few times over the years and he does do the sniffing only when I have turned a corner.its all very raw right now. I dont know anything anymore. ..
Hello jojo,
I can’t give you good advice, but please continue reading this blog and try to address more question to the readers. I can’t help, because I never been in situation like yours, but I’ve read a lot of stories here that are similar to yours …
Also the author of this blog has written some good books about “No Contact Rule” and “MR UNAVAILABLE & THE FALLBACK GIRL”. You can read some of the books …
But please stick around the blog and see how the community can advice you and to help you to realize, how you can help yourself!
Good luck.