It took me a long time to realise that I’d spent most of my relationship history feeling not so great with either dubious partners or guys who I failed to recognise as being decent. Looking back, I was actually downright miserable with some of my exes yet at the time I professed to be happy, or crazy about them and that we just needed to ‘work things out’. I also believed that being in a relationship meant that there was going to be drama and big lows. And then I got wise.
I’ve been asked several times recently what love is, how do you know when a relationship is good and variations on these queries. I’m not about to get all lyrical on you and start doing ‘Love is…’ poems but suffice to say that there are enough of you who have professed to love men that don’t love you to know that love means different things to different people. You can do love the healthy way…or the painful, not so healthy way…
Loving someone requires commitment.
That’s not just saying the words ‘I love you’ and bandying around the L word each time you have a free moment, but committing emotionally, physically, and spiritually to the other person.
Every relationship needs two committed people. That means two people with both of their feet in the relationship working towards the common interest of the relationship. One person doesn’t do all the loving and it’s not a tug of war as one tries to get the other to come around to their way of thinking.
To commit on a healthy level and find yourself with a partner to create that relationship you desire so much with, you also need to love yourself otherwise you won’t know what love is because you are out of tune with what makes you feel good.
Instead people who don’t love themselves and who have low self-esteem with poor ideas about relationships look to other people to validate themselves and also to fill the void and get loved. In seeking out people to be in a relationship, we gravitate to those that reflect how we feel about ourselves and life, so if you don’t love you, you find yourself with someone who will not only not love you but will reflect the negatives.
At the end of the day people who are in good relationships that are going somewhere don’t ask whether they’re in a good relationship. They’re too busy living and getting on with their lives and know they’re happy.
Love requires boundaries and accountability, which arises from being committed on an emotional, physical, and spiritual level.
Love requires responsibility. Life may throw curve balls and you’re not going to be happy, happy, happy all the time, but in genuinely loving someone, you act responsibly to that person and the relationship.
Often in poor relationships, there is at least one party who is trying to dodge the bullet of responsibility. When you call them on their behaviour, they say that no-one’s forcing you to be with them, or they told you x,y,z so you knew the score. They brush you off and call you needy for expecting from them, and manage down your expectations and blow hot and cold to avoid connecting and responsibility.
Love is about consistency and it should build and grow, not dissipate or take a nosedive.
Love has a foundation so whilst you can undoubtedly be attracted to someone when you meet them, the foundation for the relationship is created as you get to know them for who they are (as opposed to an illusion).
You will know genuine love when you learn to keep it real. Everyone can look to the future but people who are disconnected from the reality of their relationships are obsessed with the past and what used to be or looking to the future and what could be if only certain criteria were met. You need to enjoy your present and you know what, you don’t need to bet on potential when you’re being real and accepting the person for what they are.
Love feels good and pain is not love, it’s pain. If you have a history of poor relationships, can you genuinely say that you, as a person felt good, that your spirit and emotions felt good?
Loving someone involves genuine trust between both parties. It means that even though you may have fears, you don’t let them outweigh your love for that person.
Everyone has baggage although we should keep it to hand baggage territory. You can’t love someone and still be hankering for your ex and dealing with the ghosts of your relationship past.
When I met my partner, I had been through a hell of a lot in my past but I started afresh with him and I took a chance on myself and love. Yes I had fears but I didn’t allow them to derail me or the relationship and I dealt with them because to allow them and my old patterns to override this opportunity would have been denying myself and I’d realised that I loved me.
Loving someone means you’ll have care and concern for them. You’ll treat them with love, not ambivalence or fickleness, or disregard. Instead, you’ll be incredibly uncomfortable to put them through pain unnecessarily.
Love requires work although it’s not going to kill you to work at your relationship and you won’t regard it as ‘work’ if you’re in a good one. But you need to do the legwork because if you don’t deal with loving you, building your self-esteem and equipping yourself to recognise when you’re in a poor relationship that detracts from you, you’ll continue to be familiar with the horrid feeling of misery.
Love requires action because at the end of the day talk is very cheap. Love is shown and you feel it.
But ultimately, if loving someone means that you can’t love you, it’s not love.
Your thoughts? Would you know if you’re in a good relationship?
Add to favorites
I am at the beginning of what seems to be an amazing relationship. He is open, honest, communicative, accepting, trustworthy, kind, loving…
I’m speechless over here.
And the sad part is, years ago, I probably would have blown him off.
Hopefully… lesson learned! So far, so good! Thank you!!!
T’s last blog post..Pushing through Panic
I’m going to write “if loving someone means that you can’t love you, it’s not love” on a post-it notes and stick it on my computer.
NML~ I’ve enjoyed all your articles but this is probably my favorite so far….thanks for the insight!
I’m actually at the tail-end of “emotionally” letting go of my a**clown. I have occasional thoughts about him but it doesn’t drive me like it once did. The part you say ” can you genuinely say that you, as a person felt good, that your spirit and emotions felt good?”…..I’m asking myself this more and more everyday and I’m discovering that I never felt good….about him or myself….I was never happy.
I don’t know what a mature, healthy relationship feels like but I’m more excited about the reality of it because I know they exist. And I’m closer to recognizing what I want and need in a relationship….so thanks again.
Perfect timing. Thanks NML.
I’ll have to agree, perfect timing.
I just broke off a relationship that was probably the classic rebound. I had done with the EUM, No Contact since late October. I took an offer from a man who loved me so unreservedly, but who I would be able to have lots of good reasons not to commit to. Yea, I’m a monster. What I am thinking here goes in two directions. Did I pick him because he is an alcoholic with no life plan, which gives me an immediate reason out, or did he pick me because I was EU and would reflect back his lack of love for himself, giving him the justification for indulging his addiction and placing blame?
In any case, I ended it with pretty much no drama. I wish the best for both of us. He deserves more than my indecision and fickleness, I was always having a hard time deciding whether I wanted him as a partner or not. So NML, you nailed it here: “Loving someone means you’ll have care and concern for them. You’ll treat them with love, not ambivalence or fickleness, or disregard. Instead, you’ll be incredibly uncomfortable to put them through pain unnecessarily.”
I was not able to put both feet in, and I had good reasons not to. For a time, we had great fun, then I had to go.
I’m really not proud of this. But I think it is a situation many of us might find ourselves falling for, the rebound after the EUM. Hmmm, that sounds like a potential Baggage Reclaim post, don’t it?
Regina,
I love your screen name…. made me laugh!
This post was really helpful to me. I’ve read it several times already to make sure I’m letting it all sink in.
“Love requires action because at the end of the day talk is very cheap. Love is shown and you feel it.”
Yeah!
NML,
Thank you for the wonderful post.
I think the line I liked the best is toward the end, “ultimately if loving someone means you can’t love you, it’s not love.” Bingo. What good is it to be in love with someone if you’re not who you really are, if you’re always pretending? I have seen so manypeople do this. Heck, I’ve done this! Maybe we all have. We put a face forward that isn’t really us, then we get trapped there.
And while there are tons of web sites and tons of books about relationships out there, this one, “Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating,” by J.J. Smith
makes a really similar point. This book isn’t necessary about how to “get” a man, but is more about helping you celebrate and embrace who YOU are and help you build the kind of life YOU love and that, in turn attracts the best man/men for you. You don’t want unavailable men, you want one who’s right for you.
‘Loving someone means you’ll have care and concern for them. You’ll treat them with love, not ambivalence or fickleness, or disregard. Instead, you’ll be incredibly uncomfortable to put them through pain unnecessarily.’
Oh this is so true, if you happen to be a caring compassionate being and not an EUM!
My experience was that whilst I was doing all the consistent loving supportive stuff, he was lapping it up then using the clues I’d given him about my insecurities ( of which there were many) to cause ambivalence or cause pain if he was feeling particularly threatened. Wildly one sided and ultimately even I realised that something was very wrong.
4 years later I am STILL sort of involved with him though now I see him for what he is and know that he is incapable of a committed balanced mutually supportive relationship with anyone. That I am still around speaks volumes about my issues, and I’m working on them and gradually detaching from him, now it’s really only habit, familiarity and not wanting to give up on sex altogether that keeps me involved though I think I am slowly losing interest.
After all there’s only so much that you can throw at a person and a ‘relationship’ before you realise that it’s all one way. The problem seems to be that our ability to hold onto hope is way out of line with the evidence of their inability to have care or concern for us.
Wow this was a timely post! And I am really feeling T’s post too. I am in the same position too, and it’s absolutely amazing to be going out on dates and talking to a man in which there is no guess work. He tells me how he feels, he makes me feel good about myself whenever I’m around him or talk to him and he thinks I’m just the best thing since sliced bread. It would not have been possible for me to say this a year ago, because I was still hanging onto my old EUM. Once I made up in mind that I wanted to change and started doing the hard work, the love for myself has grown a hundred fold and continues to grow each day. What’s more is that now that I’m far far more confident in myself it showed to the right type of men. The information in this website works wonders. Thanks NML!
Im doing NC with my ex EUM and Im trying to let go.But there is something that I realy dont get,I miss him and fell like being in contact with him but how I can miss something that was so bad for me? I was unhappy on the relationship and felling unloved,rejected and unworthy most of the time so how I can miss and pine for it?
“Yes I had fears but I didn’t allow them to derail me or the relationship and I dealt with them because to allow them and my old patterns to override this opportunity would have been denying myself and I’d realized that I loved me.”
I think, after you have done a lot of work on loving and accepting ourselves, there will still be that fear, especially if you have been a former EUM/EUW. I think there will still be that voice that questions if you are ready, until you take the chance, and give it all you’ve got.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..How Will We Love?
Anusha~It’s the drama that keeps you yearning for him. Once you begin the healing and processing of the information you’re receiving here (from NML and the others) you will be able to understand what the gravitational pull is all about. It’s an addiction, and you’re obsessing, it’s overpowering but you can do something about it. You can change, and begin empowering yourself.
If you haven’t already, download NML’s book. Just dig in and start reading NML’s posts this is essential if you want stay NC and if you want to really get past this Assclown for good.
My personal thought is that you’re just starting out, and you found this site, and you’re looking for guidance. This is the place to be, but you have to be willing to commit to changing yourself, and ending it with the EUM.
All the best – it’s not easy, but you are worth it, you deserve better!
Betterwithouthim,thanks for your reply 🙂 Yes Im just starting out to empower myself and Im still learning how to do it.I have been broke up for 5 months now but I kept contact with ex after the break up so I just started to deal with the break up 31 days ago when I started NC.I have been reading NML posts and trying to do what she says.Thanks again and all the best for you too.
After reading this lovely article, I felt sad…as I dont think I truly loved anyone… I had a drama and was addicted to it!!!
Thank you NML, for post, at least I know now how real love supporsed to be:-(
NML, PLEASE RELEASE HOW TO LOSE AN ASSCLOWN IN 90 DAYS!! 🙂
There are many beautiful mature women and men chatting on that community****Cougar Circle***** which designed to help ethnically diverse singles meet new friends and make dates. u will have a more lovely baby not long after…..
This site has some really good advice. I have had a hard time of late, been with my boyfriend for 4.5 yrs (I am 30) been wanting to live with him for more than two years, and he has held me off the whole time – yet we have looked at endless houses together, and chatted about the future but no action. A year ago he broke up with me, doubts, needed to sort himself out he has been unhappy and down with work stuff and family issues. And I really feel for him with those, as he is a genuinely great guy. After three months of heartbreak I started to feel better, and he turned up to say he wanted to get back together and ‘do everything with me – soon!’ I thought he meant move in, engagement, get married.
7 months later I finally had enough as still nothing had changed, he told me had doubts about me and maybe our relationship wasnt enough. I begged and pleaded and cried for a couple of weeks (silly me) and then accepted the end was here. I broke up with him. We are now 6 weeks on, and there is contact from him, and strong hints that he wants to get back together and get engaged.
I just don’t think I can get over it ever – I barely got over it last time and should love be this complicated and full of heartbreak? I just don’t think so. I love him dearly, but think I have to accept we were on different pages at different times, and now things have moved on and we need to both be doing our own thing.
I have never really been single – and feel like am on an emotional rollercoaster, strong one day, weak and crying the next.
I didn’t feel sure about getting back together last time and maybe that was the sign? I want him to be happy but everyone tells me I need to put my own happiness first and I am trying…so hard.
I suppose there are degrees of uncertainly that crop up in many relationships, but I think what matters is that those uncertaities are faced outloud when they are making one party uncomfortable in some way. Honest discussion goes a long way at the beginning of any trouble or doubt.
Sometimes the only honest response is “I do not know how I feel.” Sometimes means not often. I think that when someone is emotionally available they are in touch with their feelings most of the time, and “not being sure” about how they feel is not a regular occurrence for them.
Wishy washy for months, or years, is emotionally unavailable, and all the waiting and wishing does not change an EUM to an emo-available man. One thing I found was that the EUM I knew was hyper sensitive to any uncertainty on my part, and any expression of doubt on my part usually sent him spinning. So I guess thats part of it too, being certain in your own words and actions.
Nikki,you are wise to consider your heart before going in again. If I was certain of my feelings, if this ambiguity is his only major flaw,
if I was sure I was willing to try again, and realized that it might not turn out as I hoped, I’d be wanting a perceptive counselor to help us explore his commitment hurdle, with the clear intention on him coming to a clear decision.
The roller coaster is something many of us here have been on. In my case I came to see my interest in an EUM as a strong reaction to manipulative push pull behavior that I had never experienced before. I thought I could ride it out and eventually the roller coaster ride would end and I’d be on steady ground.
I came to see that the EUM was used to the ride, maybe even enjoyed it. I realized that without his desire to work on the ambivalence, our situation would not improve. I gave him a choice to work on it, he made the choice to opt out, and I respect that choice and have maintained no contact, It saddens me even though a few months have passed, that is why I still come her to process the whole disheartening experience.
Yet I have learned a lot from the whole experience also, but it is nothing I would ever wish on another, and something I will watch very carefully in the future, as I have no desire to ride that roller coaster ever again.
Nikki,
Oh the demeaning man beware!! Anyone who say’s they have doubts about YOU is projecting. He has doublts bout himself. The unfairness of this kind of man that is so damned annoying is they lay blame on you for their indecisiveness, leading you to doubt yourself which leads you into a spin of fear and neediness. I agree with Afro girl absolutley, he needs to see a therapist. If he is coming to you wanting to go back into th relationship maybe you could give him a condition, six months of therapy and them we’ll see how things are. This way you can have time for yourelf to grow as well get strong and actually get a foot hold on your own life without being devastated? this way you don’t lose each other but give each other distance to work on yourselves??
Thank you for your responses, first time I have ever written on a blog! Unfortunately that was what happened last time we broke up in that he came back and said he was sure now (7 months on he then said he wasn’t hence me calling it a day) – and we have had an exact re-run. He had time to work on everything making him unhappy but it just seems lots of things in life do, and the ups and downs became exhausting. I also gave him 6 weeks at the end to really do something, I told him I was reaching the end of my tether I printed out information on what commitment-phobia actually was so we could talk about it, a list of therapists etc and he did nothing with it. This is actually our 3rd break-up in 4 years – that is 3 too many! In the early days (2.5 yrs ago) all I wanted to do was live together, now I feel naturally ready for all next steps.
Now I am gone, on my decision not his, he is saying he now ‘realises’ I am the one but I think its just too late and possibly its a shock reaction from him that isn’t really the case although he says not. You are absolutely right, I became quite insecure, over-sensitive, down moods – when actually if I am happy I am not like this at all.
It would be a good idea to wait 6 months but I guess deep down I feel convinced nothing will change and I will delay my chance of happiness and security either on my own or with someone else.
I need to just try to keep no contact now which is hard – I guess I have to be strong and try and see the bigger picture?
I fell the pattern of my relationships are rejection,I atract guys to my life that end up rejecting me.And of course this rejection makes my self esteem gets even lower.It happens in diferent ways,either by me falling for guys that arent interested on me(and me not leting go even after noticing they arent interested) and the guy being in a relationship with me and saying he loves me but his actions showing otherwise (like was on my last relationship).On my last relationship I bet on potential too,I wasnt geting what I wanted from the relationship and instead of walking away I kept trying to change him.I kept trying to make him be the guy he was in the begining of the relationship.And I tried it for FIVE YEARS.For some reason I just couldnt give up.Anyway my question is,why I keep atracting guys that rejects me and how I can stop atracting them?
Anusha~ I think the reason you keep attracting these Assclowns is because you have poor boundaries, and low self-esteem.
I have the same problem, almost like I am setting myself up to fail each time I am attracted to a guy, or start a relationship with one. It’s a feeling I have which I just tell myself each time, “you’re going to be the one who gets hurt”, so just accept a few “crumbs” and flip flapping, blowing hot/cold is normal with guys.
I didn’t realize why I was always the one being let down, or giving in to their selfish behavior, and still being treated as if I was the one with problem, or was needy and selfish. This site and NML’s book was a big wake up call for me. The other book which I stumbled upon was one called “Women Who Love Too Much”. That was really my starting point and I found this site after reading that book 25 times and hi-lighting parts of it to keep from becoming anxious and allowing the current assclown at that time run my whole life.
NML has a couple really good posts on why and how to get some boundaries as well as the passive/agressive stuff and the one about building your self esteem by stopping the negative self-talk.
Just keep absorbing the information, it takes a little while to let it all sink in and then start working on what you’ve learned about your emotionally-unavailable behavior and how to stop that, start loving yourself, and finding good healthy people to be around. The unhealthy people aren’t just or limited to Assclowns of the opposite sex, they can be girlfriends, and family members too. When you start recognizing your own issues, it becomes more clear on what you’re projecting and how you keep attracting these losers in your life. It’s really all up to, you can change, you have the power to change. Just how bad do you want to change?
I always tell myself the “Rome wasn’t built in a day” so I can’t expect to change over night. But don’t beat yourself up, and just keep working at it day by day, it really does get easier once you start doing it.
Good luck!
Betterwithouthim,thanks for your post.I have read the book Women who love too much too and I realy can relate to that.Im the one that is always trying to get love from the most unlikely sources.Right I need to raise my self esteem and I realy dont have boundaries,I felt walked over by people many times.I have been reading the posts over and over again and trying to learn from them.I just relate to a lot of issues there that sometimes I dont know where to begin,I think I will take one thing at a time.Like now for example I will concetrate on my self esteem and boundaries that seems to be what I need most.And I want to change badly,I realy cant stand going trough that over and over again.Im even thinking about taking a time out from relationships to sort my issues.Thank you very much for your help and suport and right we can and will overcome all that 🙂
I am so glad I found this. I have been battling an EUM/AC for the past six months. He went from extremely attentive (texts all day at work, almost nightly phone calls, seeing each other 2-3 times a week…and through all this I was working two jobs, going to school and have two kids), to, well, just barely there. When we were together, the words flowed through his mouth like wine…he said all the right things…we were so great together, he never felt this way about anyone, yadda, yadda, yadda. He wanted to meet my parents, he had met my brother, he introduced me to one of his daughters.
And then the brakes went on when I told him I was crazy about him and that I wanted some sort of commitment before I got more emotionally involved and started putting my family into the mix.
But the signs were there, and I just chose to ignore them. He was the first man since my divorce to lavish such attention on me. I had accepted his “time alone’ as something that adults do/need. But I ignored: talking about his ex’s all the time, still “hanging out” with some. Disappearing time (not days on end, but a day or two here and there). Not introducing me to his friends. Going to parties and not inviting me along. Making it clear that even though we only live a few minutes from one another (and he lives on our town’s main shopping street) I was not welcome to “drop in”. Text as a primary form of communication. Making it clear that I was not to ask questions about what he did or where he went. Drinks almost daily. Does coke at least a few times a month.
In March I broke it off telling him I want the chance to find someone who loves me, who wants to be with me and that I don’t do multiple men at a time. He cried, claimed I was his best friend, he didn’t want to lose me, but yet, he was not going to be exclusive. He even suggested that he isn’t seeing anyone else, but still, not exclusive. I was stupid, and at the end of April, texted him about something and within minutes he was outside my door, telling me how to work on the problem I was having. Then he asked me out, properly. I said OK, and well, it wound up that he told me how desperately unhappy he was while we were broken up, how his friends noticed, etc. and now how thrilled he was we were back together. He even told me he loved me.
I believed this line of BS. But IMMEDIATELY he became cold. I asked on a Tuesday if he was free at the end of the week because I was trying to make plans. He said he was busy all week with GOLF, and MAYBE we could get together for Saturday brunch…since when did golf become a night game and who does brunch on Saturday? I got really angry, sent off a looonnnggg email telling him what I thought of this. He said he needed to be in his “cave” and when he was done, he’d call me.
He “checks in” via text here and there. He makes no plans with me unless HE is free, even though I have kids to think about. We saw each other Friday and after we had fooled around, he all but threw me out, claiming he was tired, and yet, two hours later he sends me a quick e-mail. He sent me one text on Saturday, didn’t respond to me Sunday, or Monday. What was he doing all that time? He’s not working so it wasn’t that. Why can’t I have any weekend time?
He has called me the last two days and I have not called him back. He seems to think that I will accept these crumbs. I did, but I am not going to do this anymore. I am a really nice person, I give people the benefit of the doubt, I am loyal to a fault, but I deserve more than this nonsense. He constantly tells me how he is such a good guy, so worried about me (I thought I was going to lose my job last week), loves having me in his life, I’m such a wonderful person…but only when I play on his terms.
He can be great fun when we are in the moment. But I need to be stronger because it is so sickening to see myself jumping through hoops for this guy. I have a teenage daughter and I DON’T want her to think this is what women put up with. My self-esteem is in the toilet, not because I think I am inherently bad, but that I don’t think enough of myself to draw the line. I am going one hour at a time. It’s only been a couple of days, but it does get a little easier each morning.
I’m so glad I found this site. The assclown from 12 years ago or so came back into my life like a category 5 hurricane in July. This man tracked me down to 4 different offices and he’d finally found me on my current office which they gave him my cell phone number. While I was in a meeting, he’d called me and left a message. At first I didn’t know who it was, because it’s been a long time since I’d heard his voice. But when I called the phone number back, I knew who it was. At first, I was excited to hear him again, but the bad memories and reasons why I broke it off with him over a decade ago came flooding back into my memory. He asked if we could meet right away, telling me that after all these years, he came to realize that I am “the one who got away”, he’d told everybody he knows that I was the only woman who’d made him cry, etc, but my instincts told me to hold off. I lied (white lie) and told him that my schedule is so busy, I don’t have anything available until 1 month from the day of our conversation. Deep inside, I wanted things to calm down so I may see the whole scenario of this guy coming back into my life and what he’s all about and whether he’d changed. With my instinct’s guidance, I was right. not even 2 weeks after our conversation, his old pattern of highs and lows were apparent. At first, he was full on into me, and eventually, his agressiveness slowed down, way down to the point where all he can do was email me cancelling our “date” that we’d set up.
Deep down, I knew that this guy has not changed. It was obvious from the time he phoned me and how he hunted me down. A part of me was also no longer interested in men who are shallow and selfish. Through the years since I’d broken up with this man, I’d grown. I learned to love myself and be a little selfish myself rather than giving too much to men who has nothing to give back. I’m tired of having to do most of the work and not getting any reciprocation from the efforts I’d invested in the so-called relationships.
I guess this old boyfriend of mine has learned that I have changed and perhaps he saw that I was no longer this anxious, insecure, lady that he knew way back when. He realized that I’d immediately set up my boundaries by not changing anything in my schedule to meet his. He realized that I value my life more than I value his and that I will not cater to him like the young, insecure lady he’d known to drop everything for him. No more. I’m a changed woman for the better. And I’m glad that I have enough strength to see right through this man, even if we weren’t face to face. Thank you.
“Love requires action because at the end of the day talk is very cheap. Love is shown and you feel it – this is what I used to say to my ex MM all the time! he would say he loved me – but never show it by putting me first – I was always at the bottom of the list – even though he said I was at the top but never showed it. I am still in contact with him – because he is my boss of sorts – he still says he loves me (mainly when he is drunk on a Friday night and then I don’t hear from him all weekend) and he wonders why I then am angry – he can only deal with me when I am happy and fun – I guess who gave him escape 3 years ago. This weekend was classic – talking on msn i was home alone neighbours arguing drunk -neighbours husband came knocking on my door trying to get in – I was scared more than I had ever been obviously telling ex MM what was happening but he wouldn’t (said he couldn’t because he had had a drink) come round – he didn’t even pick up the phone – as what his wife would do was more important than my safety (although he said that wasn’t the case – but of course it was!) – he just txted me to stay online when I logged off as I was so angry and let down (as usual) – I know if I thought he was in trouble I would have run to get to him to make sure he was ok.
Often in poor relationships, there is at least one party who is trying to dodge the bullet of responsibility. When you call them on their behaviour, they say that no-one’s forcing you to be with them, or they told you x,y,z so you knew the score. They brush you off and call you needy for expecting from them, and manage down your expectations and blow hot and cold to avoid connecting and responsibility.
The above is exactly what he does/did. I want to move on – like he has in a sense – but he still keeps me hanging on and I let him.
The reason I found this site was because I was questioning whether I loved my man. I know he loves me completely, he would do anything for me, I know this. He talks about marriage and just being together forever. He is ALWAYS there for me, and I felt that it was unfair for him that I didn’t know if I felt the same way. When he would tell me he loved me I have trouble saying it back and meaning it. I see not that I might be having issues and maybe I really don’t love him.
“Loving someone means you’ll have care and concern for them. You’ll treat them with love, not ambivalence or fickleness, or disregard. Instead, you’ll be incredibly uncomfortable to put them through pain unnecessarily.” I like to create drama or else I feel like the relationship is boring or that he doesn’t love me as much. It’s kind of a self satisfaction thing that I do I guess, by breaking up with him and seeing how much it hurts him. Which I know is bad, and many times I feel terrible about it afterwards.
Reading the comment from sadthing:
My experience was that whilst I was doing all the consistent loving supportive stuff, he was lapping it up then using the clues I’d given him about my insecurities ( of which there were many) to cause ambivalence or cause pain if he was feeling particularly threatened.
I feel like I’m that guy. My boyfriend gives me consistent loving and I take all his insecurities and throw it in his face. What is wrong with me? I’m such a horrible person. Would it be better if I just ended it with him to spare his feeling?
Young and Confused,
Why not seek some counseling? If you do not try to correct this problem you will repeat the behavior with the next man.
I cannot stress how painful and destructive this type of of behavior is to the recipient, please seek some help for you both.
Young and Confused
One of the best words I have ever read on commitment was from a chapter in a book called Journey of the Heart. The premise is that trouble in relationships can give each person a chance at insight and self growth like nothing else in this world.
If you love him and he loves you please see your well written thoughts as an opportunity to grow into an even more deeply loving person in an even more deeply loving relationship. This will be really great for both of you.
You have been given a very beautiful gift of insight, and now you have some important work to do to understand and work to change your behaviors. A skilled counselor would be great, just make sure you keep working at it, for both your sake and his.
My experience was that whilst I was doing all the consistent loving supportive stuff, he was lapping it up then using the clues I’d given him about my insecurities ( of which there were many) to cause ambivalence or cause pain if he was feeling particularly threatened.
Ahhhh! There are so many times on this site, when I just CANNOT believe that I’ve experienced exactly the same thing with my EUM. This is my first hardcore EUM…like serious, repeat offender, manipulative, ASSCLOWN from literal hell. I’m starting no-contact (for the 4th time in 2 years) today. I’ve always let him back in…slowly, but surely. He’s good. But I promised myself that this time (oh yes, I knew it was coming) was the last time that he would date anyone, but especially an aquaintance/old friend of mine behind my back, lie about it, while he tried to disengage me. When he tries to disengage me, it doesn’t take long…I’m gone. But this time, I’m never going back. Wish me luck. Nope, nevermind. I don’t need it. (-: Love to everyone on this site.
im use to read stories in this website and im so happy to read this article for its really so amazing to realized that love is certainly a matter of decision..I’ ve been 3 years of being single after being hurt by my guy and with this i never loved again co’z same scenario will happen as i picture out things dealing with men..i dont know how really i am prepared to love again..being bitter was my self consoling part for i know in the end i will end up being hurt again and again..well hopefully i will meet a guy who can really love me wholeheartedly for nowadays its so immpossible to find a real man with great love and satisfaction to just 1 woman..
i love this site….
keep smiling;)
always,
Carol
Carol,
I am convinced that looking for love is the wrong goal. I think you need to start with the fundamentals – character, discipline (will to complete a task), honor, joy and compassion, existing and well-founded emotional ties to family and friends, active and respected in the community.
Start with a man that is worthy of sharing your life. Then, if you find yourself happy just making him happy – then consider dating and getting serious.
This gives you a tough standard to live up to, to have and hold his respect. It will be good for both of you.
At least with an honorable man, any hurts will be unintentional and can be resolved. With less to fear, you should find more fun in your life.
How to find such a paragon of virtues (lol!)? You will want to engage with your community and family. Networks with people you respect and trust. Mention you want someone to settle down with, network. Avoid anyone that is easy to meet, seems like you have know him forever – this is usually a slick pickup routine by an experienced bed-partner winner – and is unavailable for an honorable shared life.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner
Wonderful post, and timely. I’ve learned that women can be assclowns and EUM’s too, with disastrous results that hurt other people. My husband and I are divorcing after only a year together, a year during which I threw him crumbs and he gave the whole loaf. We married six months after my first husband committed suicide, and I knew it was too soon when we said “I do,” but went ahead with it in hopes that everything would come out rosy. Naturally, it didn’t, and through counseling and reading the posts and comments on this site, I’m learning to acknowledge my role in the breakup and how emotionally unavailable and unready I was to make a full commitment to him. Healing takes time, and my STBX will both get there. I was the assclown this time, and while that knowledge stings, awareness is better than ignorance any day.
I’ve just found this site and, oh, how I wish I’d found it when I was 18. Why aren’t we taught this stuff at school – is’t THAT important.
My entire relationship pattern has been of going with men I didn’t really like but stuck with because they were “the best on offer at the time”. The supposed Honeymoon phase usually consisted of being hugely bored andsearching out what they wanted, what it was they liked and getting on with my own stuff in between seeing them.
It never occured to me that I might somewhere inside myself be feeling undeserving of better… but that’s what the problem is, I think.
I would have (until yesterday, when I found here) claimed adamantly that I had good self-esteem: I know I’m good looking, clever, able, independent – indeed, in between the dire relationships, I’ve spent most of my adult female life alone. Which might only be another sign that somewhere I don’t think I can get better?
First ever relationship was with a covert alcoholic, and after almost three years watching him wipe vomit off his beard before coming to bed, that put me off men for the following ten years.
Then onto A-Clown Big Time – a “tough biker” with a high voice and afraid someone might hit him, lol. I was good there – I dumped him after 3 months (not because I wanted him out in fights, you understand, just because his persona didn’t match his image. He was yeukky).
Another 10 years alone and I get tied in with Boring Man of the century! Of course, I chose to see that as “steady and dependable” – except for his running around with other women and drinking himself into a stupor every night.
Yep – 10 years alone, lol, and forward comes Mr Narcissist. Even now, this ninny trolls and trawls me, even though I dumped him big-time (with the help pf police) after our second meeting… and his second huge rage at me for not wanting to leap into the sack with him.
And, most recently, Mr EU. A real Player, with the “dead relationship” and woman who hasn’t slept with him for almost 2 years, despite his being so marvellous and dedicated. Uh, no!
It’s time to change and, as I’m finding out from this site, that change has to come from me, to me and with me. No one else.
I really can’t believe that at my age (50) this is the first time I’m hearing anything of this. It’s so important we should know before we start looking for or accepting relationships into our lives.
At least my daughter, now aged 10, will hear it beforehand. And in the down to earth, sensible, non obsessive and blameless way of this site: forget them and what they do/say/want; be clear in yourself what you do/say want. That’s where it stems from. That’s where it’s all drawn from.
Until now, we’ve only had the ridiculous fairytales, films, tv shows and songs to show us the way.
Thank You.
Leonine
A heartfelt thank you to ALL for this amazing site; it has been my foothold during these recent tough days after my break-up. I just wish I had stumbled upon it previously for I would have certainly saved myself alot of unnecessary pain.
I’m into my 2nd week of NC and I’m so damned determined that this time I wont go back to the AC even more so after having discovered that he is a classic narcissist who has messed with my mind and heart….and who knows what and where else.
I’ll just say that I have been yo-yoing to and fro for the past 9 years and now I’m tired and exhausted. The relationship had sapped all the life and joy out of me; this last 1 and half years were a nightmare. I was foolish enough to give up everything I loved just to be by his side and always there when he needed me (so he wont complain that I leave him alone and he had no choice but to ‘wander off’). I was brainwashed not to expect any gratitude for ‘no one forced me to do it’! He was involved in an unlucky motorbike accident last year which left him slightly physically disabled (apart from the fact that he is also a hypochondriac). However that does not give him the right to abuse and belittle anyone. The abuse was subtle almost imperceptible but now that I am out of it and I can process everything again objectively I can see that the signs were there…but I chose to ignore them to keep him happy and I wasnt strong enough in myself to be assertive and take a stand. For he often warned me that if I rocked the boat and caused him ‘unnecessary’ aggravation (for he had ‘too much pain already in his life’ as if any of it was my fault!) then I’d better take a hike. I was an idiot, made him the centre of my universe, revered him like a demi-god….his ego never felt so good no wonder he was ‘startled’ when I told him I needed time to do my stuff. I was so ‘awed’ by him that I did not see the weak, frightened and sad little boy that he really was. So I tolerated a steady gnawing at my self-esteem, at my self-worth (had to endure listening to repeated and endless crap tales of his grandiosity, his women, his feats)! Till the proverbial straw broke the camel’s back and I said HELL!! NO MORE SH*T!!!!
I do get so mad at times that I feel tempted to call him and hurl a volley of abuse for the way he denigrated me. His last text was rife with rage and insults but I will never stoop to his depths. I am a proud, dignified independant woman and I got better things to direct my energy at; I have come a long way on my own and no sh*t face is gonna make me feel bad about myself ever ever again!! He didnt have the b@lls to leave the relationship with dignity (he asked me via text to leave him alone after I told him that I was moving on without him! greatest favour he ever did me) so he didnt give me closure but none of these idiots do… so I just took the closure myself!
I’m moving on and up now by forgiving myself. I’m catching up with my 2 beautiful teenage kids, my precious parents and my long lost friends. I’m doing all the stuff I dreamt of doing and I’m finally living my life and LOVING MYSELF! To me that narcissistic emotional vampire was just a bad dream and now I’m awake and living my life positively.
So I say to all of you ladies….dont take any sh*t. Love yourself for you are strong and beautiful feisty women who all deserve so much better. There are wonderful, loving, respectable men out there – all you have to do is to wear the right ‘magnet’ 🙂
Hugs!
Rosanna, I hope you’re still strong on NC.
Good for you, dumping an N with or without “closure”. There’s no such thing as far as I’ve ever found, which is another reason they can walk back in and out of the gaping hole whenever they choose.
Catch up on your life at last, and I hope it’s holding plenty of the Good Stuff for you.
Best Regards, Leonine
I have to say it was the weirdest thing…as soon as I let go of my ex, for real, not just in my head, but in my heart, I found a guy who is absolutely amazing. He has no baggage, no kids, no crazy exes. He encourages me to be myself, he gives me my space. And I was recently in a car accident and he took off work to make sure I was taken care of. I mean, my ex would have never done that, even after 3 years. It was like as soon as I let go, I found him..and its as if he said to me…what took you so long?
Loverandfighter,
I am so happy for you!!!!!!