I was looking at the ‘twelve positive truths’ that I mention in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and one of them got me thinking about relationships that grow and those that falter.
“Relationships that grow and prosper involve both parties having both feet in. If you learn how to put both feet in, you will truly recognise when his are out, which in turn will teach you to only invest in relationships where you get a return on investment.”
One of the core characteristics of unhealthy relationships with Mr Unavailables and assclowns is that rather than the relationship growing and developing, it instead starts to recede, yank along in fits and starts, or grind to an irritating halt.
Your efforts then switch to trying to recapture what it was like at the ‘beginning’ when you thought it was growing, or trying to resuscitate things by blowing air into the corpse that is the dead relationship. It becomes a cycle of faltering and lifesaving efforts and in hindsight you’ll see that it’s exhausting. Relationships are not easy, they do require work, but the type of work where you try to persuade another party to get on board is not the type of work needed!
If we consistently find ourselves with people who are incapable of putting both of their feet into the relationship, it shows that we are consistently choosing partners who are the least likely candidates for commitment, and even though it may seem like we’re working to save our relationships, it is time to start questioning our own commitment and whether we really have both feet in.
After all, if we’re catering to patterns that pander to self-fulfilling prophecies, we actually know the outcome, even if it is on a subconscious level.
The key to learning how to put both of your feet in is gradually learning to feel more positive about you because whilst we all have a little baggage and things that we wouldn’t mind changing, women who habitually find themselves in poor relationships often don’t feel very positively about themselves. In the worst scenarios, they’re filled with self-hate. When we start to feel more positive about ourselves, deal with our fears, learn to trust ourselves and develop more positive ideas about what we want from relationships, we actually have something to commit to.
If we don’t like, never mind love ourselves, we will look for love in the wrong places because we’re not looking for someone to reflect the positivity within ourselves.
We then try to improve our value by trying to be successful at relationships with poor relationship candidates, and not only wonder why things go wrong, but why we feel even worse about ourselves.
You will also find that when you like and love you and are not looking for a guy to be the source of everything and aren’t filled with a desperate need and insecurity, that you don’t choose men from a negative place.
When we stop operating out of fear and negativity, there is less opportunity for drama, and your need to cater to the fear and self-fulfilling prophecy diminishes, so you also no longer feel attracted to men who tend to deliver drama by the boat load.
The less attracted to drama and poor partners, is the greater opportunity there is for you to put both feet into a relationship and love and trust. There’s no point in loving uncommitted people who offer little or no chance of commitment whilst at the same time distrusting them because you know deep down that they will disappoint.
Rather than investing in poor relationships that end up creating negative emotional equity, in dealing with your own issues and being accountable for how happy (or miserable) you are, you will learn to focus your energy on people who add to your life rather than detract from it, so that when you love, you love someone who shares the same vested interest of the relationship and who also puts both of their feet in, and you trust them.
The key thing is that when we learn to like and love ourselves, we actually know when someone doesn’t truly like or love us and have our best interests at heart.
When we’re positive about us because we love ourselves unconditionally irrespective of what takes place around us, we become very attuned to recognising when someone doesn’t have both of their feet in and is creating negativity. We will also find that we don’t find the prospect of ambiguity, uncertainty, obsessing, talking and thinking too much, and loving for the two of you very attractive.
Your thoughts?
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HOLEE-COW. This is just what I needed to read today. Especially this: “The key thing is that when we learn to like and love ourselves, we actually know when someone doesn’t truly like or love us and have our best interests at heart.” I suspected this for the past few months, but didn’t want to believe it, which caused me to think there was something unloveable about me…how sad. Thanks for all the blogs – they are soooo good for me.
i also find your commentaries sensible and very helpful. thank you!
yes, when I finally understood what was wrong in a bad relationship, I saw that this was the very core of the problem and that is what made me go NC.
It is hard work to love another, whether it is a lover, a friend or a family member. Without a conscious attempt to give it all you got, and that means both feet ( and more !) in, the relationship can only be a shallow unsatisfying one.
When you are involved one who is not either conscious or in control, you may get the feet in, then out, then one back in, etc etc….big time drama. I found this led me to develop a rich fantasy of what could be if those feet were in.
Problem was the fantasy kept me from the reality that the man was not really able to control those feet, they were directed by some emotional issues he knows he has, but, for whatever reason, cannot or will not come to terms with.
Love is work, hard work, and it never stops being that. But, even though it has the potential to cause as much joy as pain, it is good work to know how to do.
Being with a flaky AC has made me know more clearly what is required for satisfying relationships, It was such a hard lesson though !
Thanks for another relevant and sensible post.
I find myself feeling hypervigilant as of late, looking for negatives to point out with Mr. ph2072. It’s feeding into my belief that all men cheat and that I might as well join ’em because I sure can’t beat ’em. 😐 If I’m in a monogamous relationship I do not cheat, but I’ve been in situations where the men sure cheated on me. 😐 So lately I’ve been feeling that since all men cheat, I might as well do the same. I know I won’t – I’d rather leave than do that – but sometimes those beliefs of men being dogs who are incapable of being monogamous and having feelings hit me hard, just when I think I’m rid of them.
I need to stop (mentally) catering to my self-fulfilling prophecies like I used to. It’s hard though. I’m trying so hard not to fall into self-fulfilling prophecies that I’m being hypervigilant when it may not be necessary. I guess it’s that fear that I’m gonna catch him doing something anyway, the worry that no man is capable of being monogamous, especially with me. 😐
It’s way past my bedtime, maybe I’m thinking too much and my hormones are a bit out of whack right now if you know what I mean. I don’t know.
Thanks for the eye opener NML. Still have a long way to go. But I’ve definitely come a long way.
I am so glad that I finally realized that I was the one that was at the core of my problems. Not other people, and not circumstances, but rather me drawing them to me. I am so glad that I began looking within, and finding the answers, and even though I am not completely healed, I am so much further, with so much understanding, than I have been my whole life. Just wish I had started earlier, rather than just living day to day like a super ball bouncing all over the place from situation to situation, allowing the wind and obstacles to take me where they will.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..What’s Emotional Maturity, Needs and Denial Got To Do With It?
That is so on the money. The saddest thing is all the energy spent on breathing life into a corpse, as you so delicately put it, and our inability to let go.
Arlene’s last blog post..How to Deal:making a long-distance relationship work
Still struggling with self-fulfilling prophecies. Re-reading again in order to de-program this from my brain.
Thank you so much for this website, I have learned so much from it in the last few months.
This topic is especially wise and thank again for writing it. I do see myself in it, all over the place. I have spent the last six months working on myself, and grieving a relationship that I thought I wanted – but the man was unable to give. He ‘disappeared’ pretty much, except for one small but loving email saying he was was ‘working’ on things in his life but he cared about me and the relationship.
I have many years of recovery in al-anon and don’t drink myself, but also attend aa meetings. Those two programs have taught me incredible amounts about myself, my family history and my interactions with others. Therapy has also been a Godsend. But for me, intimacy – with myself and with others – has been the last and most hardest thing to work out. The gift of this last relationship was that I have spent the time crying, healing old grief and making big, big changes in myself and how I interact with others.
I do still care about and for this person but we have not talked in many months. He has things to work out for himself and – maybe for him, the relationship we had was something that has sent him working on himself. He is a good person, but he is not able to be in a relationship with me. Maybe, not wth anyone right now – I don’t know.
Thank you, thank!! for these wonderful, thoughtful posts. I have been reading other books on fear of intimacy including an excellent one called “Fear of Intimacy,” by Robert Firestone. These are excellent books! In the end it comes down to me and what am I doing with what I have. I need to keep focusing on myself and what I am responsible for and what I am not, and am I making the most of my life as it is? What do I need to change in myself?
Thank you thank to the founder of this blog!!
When you’re in the thick of it…the pain is unbearable and I often wonder why I keep finding myself in the same situation…being totally chased and wooed only to find myself wondering when (or if) he would call me. I have been dating someone for about 10 months now and that gut feeling I had (of something not being right) started about 3 months ago…and I saw the same patterns emerging…infrequent phone calls…not returning calls…seeing each other on a very limited schedule…and it all truly goes back to what this article is saying: you are your patterns…makes me realize that I have falling in love with the same kind of unavailable man and I really need to step back and decide what I really want..and if I’m ready myself to give of myself. I just told my boyfriend last night that I really felt I deserved better and driving home I was overwhelmingly sad…but elated at the same time…because I finally had a chance to stand up for myself. Every woman deserves a man who loves them unconditionally and although I am still waiting for that man to appear in my life, I can’t give up hope on him…nor of MYSELF….blessings to all of you and keep the great comments and personal stories coming.
“One of the core characteristics of unhealthy relationships with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns is that rather than the relationship growing and developing, it instead starts to recede, yank along in fits and starts, or grind to an irritating halt.”
This is exactly, exactly what happened to me! The EUM I was involved with kept managing down our relationship bit by bit and I stayed – perhaps hoping, like you said, that it would pick up again.
Each time I was at his house, I felt smaller and smaller – less and less important. When I told him that one of our weekends together felt awkward and empty – he said, “oh, I didnt notice.”
After that I became hyper-aware of the dissolve. Now there is nothing left at all. I’d be willing to bet that he “blames” me for the end of “us”. He doesnt understand why we cant be “close” – in other words, why I cant be there for him when he needs something/someone.
Well, I’ve been way too long on perpetual stand-by. I’ve never known someone so self-absorbed and self-serving. He is blind to the world around him and I’m not waiting for a Miracle eye-opener.
This site is a fantastic find for me! After managing to escape 2 narcissistis what do I do? Yep – get myself tied in with a Mr EU/ Player who would like me to take the blame because he claims I have, “passive-aggressive undertones”. (Translated: I asked for more input in time and effort in our supposed relationship!).
It’s fancinating to realise that someone like myself, who would have claimed perfectly robust self appreciation – might well indeed be harbouring low self-esteem and creating patterns that verify hidden beliefs about myself/relationships.
Well, today begins the work to change: I intend to read every page written so far. Many Thanks.
Wow, this describes what I did for five years with my ex fiance….The time I wasted is just so hard to think about. I definitely am glad I stumbled on this site.