I was looking at the ‘twelve positive truths’ that I mention in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and one of them got me thinking about relationships that grow and those that falter.
“Relationships that grow and prosper involve both parties having both feet in. If you learn how to put both feet in, you will truly recognise when his are out, which in turn will teach you to only invest in relationships where you get a return on investment.”
One of the core characteristics of unhealthy relationships with Mr Unavailables and assclowns is that rather than the relationship growing and developing, it instead starts to recede, yank along in fits and starts, or grind to an irritating halt.
Your efforts then switch to trying to recapture what it was like at the ‘beginning’ when you thought it was growing, or trying to resuscitate things by blowing air into the corpse that is the dead relationship. It becomes a cycle of faltering and lifesaving efforts and in hindsight you’ll see that it’s exhausting. Relationships are not easy, they do require work, but the type of work where you try to persuade another party to get on board is not the type of work needed!
If we consistently find ourselves with people who are incapable of putting both of their feet into the relationship, it shows that we are consistently choosing partners who are the least likely candidates for commitment, and even though it may seem like we’re working to save our relationships, it is time to start questioning our own commitment and whether we really have both feet in.
After all, if we’re catering to patterns that pander to self-fulfilling prophecies, we actually know the outcome, even if it is on a subconscious level.
The key to learning how to put both of your feet in is gradually learning to feel more positive about you because whilst we all have a little baggage and things that we wouldn’t mind changing, women who habitually find themselves in poor relationships often don’t feel very positively about themselves. In the worst scenarios, they’re filled with self-hate. When we start to feel more positive about ourselves, deal with our fears, learn to trust ourselves and develop more positive ideas about what we want from relationships, we actually have something to commit to.
If we don’t like, never mind love ourselves, we will look for love in the wrong places because we’re not looking for someone to reflect the positivity within ourselves.
We then try to improve our value by trying to be successful at relationships with poor relationship candidates, and not only wonder why things go wrong, but why we feel even worse about ourselves.
You will also find that when you like and love you and are not looking for a guy to be the source of everything and aren’t filled with a desperate need and insecurity, that you don’t choose men from a negative place.
When we stop operating out of fear and negativity, there is less opportunity for drama, and your need to cater to the fear and self-fulfilling prophecy diminishes, so you also no longer feel attracted to men who tend to deliver drama by the boat load.
The less attracted to drama and poor partners, is the greater opportunity there is for you to put both feet into a relationship and love and trust. There’s no point in loving uncommitted people who offer little or no chance of commitment whilst at the same time distrusting them because you know deep down that they will disappoint.
Rather than investing in poor relationships that end up creating negative emotional equity, in dealing with your own issues and being accountable for how happy (or miserable) you are, you will learn to focus your energy on people who add to your life rather than detract from it, so that when you love, you love someone who shares the same vested interest of the relationship and who also puts both of their feet in, and you trust them.
The key thing is that when we learn to like and love ourselves, we actually know when someone doesn’t truly like or love us and have our best interests at heart.
When we’re positive about us because we love ourselves unconditionally irrespective of what takes place around us, we become very attuned to recognising when someone doesn’t have both of their feet in and is creating negativity. We will also find that we don’t find the prospect of ambiguity, uncertainty, obsessing, talking and thinking too much, and loving for the two of you very attractive.