Many moons ago, I went out with a guy who was nine years older than me. He chased me hard; I wasn’t interested. But after being burnt by another Mr Unavailable who had the looks, charm, flash car, and excitement (I was only 21…), suddenly, even though he didn’t ‘look’ like my ‘type’, it seemed silly not to be interested. Especially as he was so different, surely, I couldn’t go wrong?
After chasing me, wooing me, and making me out to be the centre of his universe, he slowly revealed his true self. He was distinctly emotionally unavailable, quite manipulative, and a total mummy’s boy. In a lot of ways, he was ‘responsible’. I quickly got the sense, though, that he was always going to be running back to mummy’s apron strings because, well, he did. He totally obliterated my self-esteem between blowing hot and cold and sometimes ganging up and being disloyal with family and friends. One day I realised that I didn’t give a monkeys about trying to please him. And I hot-footed it to the US on an adventure for several months.
I vowed that the next time I was involved with someone that they’d be ‘expressive’. They’d tell me how they felt about me, wouldn’t just switch from hot to cold, and wouldn’t have ‘mother issues’.
The next guy I went out with was around ten years older. He told me how he felt about me all.the.time. So much so, it became apparent that he had serious jealousy issues and was possessive. He was also completely irresponsible. Borrowing money, telling lies, very manipulative, anger and alcohol issues, on it went.
He was so irrational, he’d lie, get caught out, get angry with me, eventually admit it, and then tell me it was my fault and how he lied for my own good. Yes, that’s gaslighting.
He was also really intense and played games like trying to make me jealous and then getting angry when I wasn’t. One time, he drove like a maniac swerving the car all over Fort Lauderdale whilst he raged at me. That was for talking to our mutual male friend. It occurred to me that I clearly had issues being involved with him, but not so many issues that I’d stay.
So of course when that ended (thankfully it didn’t last past 6 months), I decided I’d had enough of ‘older guys’.
I’d gone home to Dublin and both of the exes were driving me crazy. The first one turned up every day, pestering me to get back together and telling me he’d changed. The crazy driver one was calling at all sorts of crazy hours.
My mum told me I should be thinking about my security. To be clear, she didn’t mean my safety. No, she meant the security of having a man. I barely slept for five weeks with the stress. In the end, she took me to the doctor and I took sleep medication for a few days. Then I got myself together, applied to transfer to a university in London, and moved at the end of January 2001.
In search of my ‘man destiny’, I was surrounded by younger guys. So, of course, I thought that this was the answer to my problems. Privately I was thinking ‘I want someone the total opposite to [my ex(es)] who isn’t going to cause me problems and try to change me and question my every move’.
The new guy was a few years younger, seemingly passive, and totally wrong for me. For a start, he drove me insane with his inability to express himself, only it really was like dealing with a child. To top it off, I still had jealousy and possessiveness issues to deal with, and I didn’t like feeling like I was in charge. Oh, and he was passive-aggressive.
You can see where this is going…
The next guy I dated and subsequently became engaged to in a whirlwind romance was 11 years older. He had mother issues, only he couldn’t stand her (or mine for that matter…). Sure, he was very responsible, but it was to the point where I felt like I was treated like a child. He chased hard. Of course, once he felt like he was in control, he gradually revealed how emotionally unavailable he was, to the point where I felt like an outsider in our home. Serious control issues, very jealous and possessive (he once got angry when I said how ‘hot’ a celebrity was…). His antics played havoc with my mind so that I became a shadow of my former self. Yep, more gaslighting.
No more of these older guys was the motto when I walked away.
Two months later and I became The Other Woman with a guy the same age as me and who I felt looked like my Ideal Man.
Yep, you guessed it! He was jealous and possessive, responsible but, of course, emotionally unavailable, plus picked argument after argument when he’d been drinking. I felt like we were on the same level, that we understood each other, and convinced myself we were ‘best friends’. He certainly didn’t have my best interests at heart.
To be fair, the whole thing was based on lies, but it’s only in hindsight that I recognise the extent of the lies and manipulation. He was also really controlling. I was tempted to leave London and head home to Dublin, but I decided to stick it out. It was becoming apparent that my man troubles followed me from place to place and it might be myself I needed to deal with.
The next two guys were nice enough guys but both actually still lived with their exes. Neither like confrontation and that involved even basic discussions about what was going on.
I could go on… but I’ll spare you…
I believed that all of these guys were different and that I was involved with such different personalities.
But even when I sought out opposite traits, normally by homing in on one specific thing, the same problems kept rearing their ugly heads. Where there wasn’t direct aggression, there was passive aggression. So actually, I was getting aggression whichever way you look at it.
The flip flapping confused my sense of self and I totally got lost en route. I couldn’t figure out what the hell I wanted and instead of dealing with the issue, I knee-jerked from guy to guy, trying to home in on ‘opposite’ traits. And still ended up with the same results. I kept saying I’d “learned my lesson” and how I’d be avoiding guys who did such and such, only to find myself with same guy different package, still feeling the same way. Like crap.
Playing the opposites game is a dangerous one, especially because in focusing on one particular thing, you miss the big picture and neglect to see other things that pose a danger to you.
Back in part two.
Your thoughts?
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WOW… I never realized this, but I do something similar. I hone in on one or two traits that I want (always opposite of the latest ex) and then I find that – but the core values seem the same… just shown differently..
I am looking forward to part 2.
i so do this. i have often expressed things like, why is it i date older, younger, artistic, laid back, ambitious, short, tall, responsible, irresponsible, black, white, red, brown, foreign, domestic, cheap, generous, ok looking, gorgeous and on and on and they all end up the same – unavailable, faithless liars who abandon me after i give them all i have. focusing on these superficial differences in them blinded me to the fact that at ‘heart’ – not that they had one- these men all sharded several things in common, like a lack of shared values with me! i realized after reading your site, that i have trust issues as well as commitment ones. i have never really believed that any of these guys would stick around, because i was constantly seeking out and staying with the very kinds of men who would not, despite the signs that i should run.
i so do this. i have often expressed things like, why is it i date older, younger, artistic, laid back, ambitious, short, tall, responsible, irresponsible, black, white, red, brown, foreign, domestic, cheap, generous, ok looking, gorgeous and on and on and they all end up the same – unavailable, faithless liars who abandon me after i give them all i have. focusing on these superficial differences in them blinded me to the fact that at ‘heart’ – not that they had one- these men all shared several things in common, like a lack of shared values with me! i realized after reading your site, that i have trust issues as well as commitment ones. i have never really believed that any of these guys would stick around, because i was constantly seeking out and staying with the very kinds of men who would not, despite the signs that i should run.
As usual, I can really relate to this post. I only started to be attracted to polar opposites in my last few relationships. I dated the rebel bad guys, arrogant, extroverted then turned to the quiet, introverted nerd types.
I didn’t consciously do it but I did find myself thinking they were sweet, nice, shy and seemed warm and open. Oddly enough they were the ones that caused the most heartache and killed my self esteem with confusion. At least with the bad boys it was upfront and in your face with these quiet guys who appear to be great, once your suckered in suddenly they show you they are in fact EUM’s. I felt blindsided, And even tricked ? then the hot/cold thing, the withdrawing, the subtle controlling, the withdrawing. It was so hard because you can’t quite put these men in the “your a bastard” bin yet they are just as hurtful and damaging and cruel in their own way. I found dating these men far more damaging and confusing then any bad boy. Especially the men that blow hot/cold. Because they show how great they can be then snatch it away from you without warning and no empathy to how it affects you.
I always thought the guys I liiked were different from one another.
Fact is, they were all almost identical in their EUM hot-cold behavior with me, I just didn’t see the commonalities. They were all the same man with a different name.
It took finding your blog to understand that the central issue was ME picking these men, that it was MY issues of how poorly I felt about myself and my virtual lack of boundaries that kept me picking men who starved me emotionally and barely gave me any time.
I starved myself without realizing I had choices, and wouldn’t use those choices if I had known back then, so cringing and desperate was I to have someone rescue me instead of rescuing myself.
These men were NOT different from ane another, even though one was a surfer, one was in the stock market, one a fireman, one a police officer, one a football player, one a strip bar owner, etc., etc.
They were just the Universe’s way of continually trying to point out my own issues to me. It took your blog for me to begin to see this all so clearly, and even though the truth was painful, I was thrilled to finally begin to pull my head out and feel smarter and stronger.
Next guy came around, and I thought he was different and I was different, and I could handle it because I was wiser now and wouldn’t put up with EUM crap. Wrong. I did it all over again, and lied to myself about what I was doing.
I think, NML, that the danger is not clearly seeing how we are letting ourselves be treated. And proactively doing something about it.
It isn’t up to the GUYS to be different. It’s up to us to get healthy and stop picking EUM or other kinds of non-loving men. To actually know what a good man looks like because we have gotten healthy ourselves, so that is what we are attracted to.
I’m trying to learn. I swear, I am going to keep learning what the big picture is. And I will get it one day. I’ve come too far to quit now.
Thank you for this wonderful site and the constant intelligent eye-opening you so gently provide.
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Baffling =-.
How very interesting… I also attracted aggressive men. Or actually, I sought them out. Why did I do that?
Can I be all Freudian and admit my father was passive aggressive, with violent outbursts, so much so that I was scared of him when I was little and in fact, well into my adulthood… but I was desperate for his approval and so I continued to seek passive aggressive men… and ended up married to one for 15 years and totally lost ‘myself’ in my attempt to seek approval.. I kept the peace, I compromised myself totally.
It was only when we split I really had to look at what I was doing and why I sought out these unhealthy relationships.
I’m now in a beautiful 2 year old relationship, which has mutual respect, good boundaries, healthy mutual love, passion, friendship and all the other stuff. He’s older than me – substantially – but we are so very happy together. I cannot say there isn’t the odd problem because there is… and we sort it out together instead of me keeping the peace.
It’s no good trying to avoid the guy… the guy isn’t the problem… the problem is why we seek that problem and invite it into our lives in the first place. Sort the issue within ourself and then I think we attract who we want and need into our life.
What I fear to say, is that most of the men I dated in the past, (very international by the way), aren’t worth the milk in your coffee. I dated a lot and lived with a few. There are some good guys out there as I found one whom I’ve been married to for over 30 years, but it appears men are spoiled by women, (mothers included), giving them too much of the benefit of the doubt. Good for you Natalie as we women need to change our tactics with the opposite sex.
In my 3 major relationships (and probably the other men I dated casually as well) the men all had one thing in common; they were all narcissists – but in completely different packages. With the 3rd man I thought I had learned what signs to look out for but I missed them all again! Hindsight being 20/20, I can see them now as well as how I acted/reacted to them. Looking forward to reading part 2!
.-= Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..The Simple Things =-.
SO true NML! I was just saying this to a girlfriend yesterday… I’ve just about gone through all of the 7 deadly sins w/ my choices in men and what they represented, haha. Regardless of the packaging, it’s all been about some core fundamental issue that keeps derailing things. I keep trying to see what this means about me but I can’t yet put my finger on it… and believe me I’ve realized and am trying to deal with my own commitment issues! I swear though I am in a place where I could have a relationship… if only the men would stop having issues:)
The latest one has seemed so great after 6 dates… caring, considerate, interested in me, successful job, affectionate, OK with taking things slowly… but has now smelled like alcohol on 3 different occasions where it didn’t really seem appropriate. I am really confused about where to go with this one, since I wonder if it’s just paranoia and “trying” to find something wrong with him. I’m not at the point of being fully in emotionally, so part of me wants to trust my gut and say “red flag” and cut and run… but then again there are so many other good things about him that would seem to say stick around at least long enough to see what’s really up.
Point being, your article is exactly what I’m dealing with right now – he seems to be the complete opposite of my ex-EUM in terms of how affectionate and open he seems. But if there’s a big underlying issue waiting to rear it’s ugly head, that really doesn’t matter, does it? Your articles always seem to be exactly what I need to read — THANK YOU!
Most older men have more issues than a magazine subscription and some have the audacity to complain about our issues which in most cases are minimal. Some of them are too inflexible to even consider bending but expect us to. Uh no sweetie,I don’t think so!
That’s why it is so important to get to know a person before diving head first into a relationhip cause it seems to always back fire. It costs us our emotions, effort,and energy later on when we don’t see things for what it is. Being a single divorcee back in the dating game, I have gained so much knowledge from relationship sites like these and drawing from my own experience and others, I will never settle again. Of course, any woman that grabs a man’s attention is gonna go outta his way to please and impress her until he catches her and that’s when he reveals his true self.
In my case, I kept my emotions in tact during the short time we were supposedly dating, so when his started displaying hot & cold behavior, I kicked dust and bounced.
Trinity I do feel the same. My last AC was the shy type of guy but so far is the one that has hurt me the most by being so passive aggresive yet I couldn’t call him an asshole. He sublty tried to dragg me down and made me feel so confused and insecure that I didn’t know where to turn.
It actually never crossed my mind to think about it like that before. Probably because I don`t have a string of failed relationships. In fact, I don`t have a string of relationships at all. I was and probably still am emotionally unavailable myself due to the fact that my father was quite dominant, treated my mother and myself with complete lack of respect towards our feelings or values and from the position of power and someone who is better. Heavy and violent arguments were a commonplace between myself and him until I moved out at 19 to study in other town.
I was repulsed by every guy who would express any sort of argumentative behaviour never mind those who would even slightly raise their voice when a discussion or situation was getting tense or emotional for them. I briefly dated a boy of the same age when I was in my teens but I think was myself so emotionally unavailable that it drove him away and he simply disappeared from my life and started dating someone else not even being able to tell me. It took me long 10 years since then to be able to trust yet again and I wrote off any young boys or guys of my age as too young and too immature when it came to relationships. Then I met a guy who seemed so nice, kind and head over heels into me. He was also 13 yrs older. He never argued, he never raised his voice, he only wanted to keep me happy. How that could be bad? Well, it took me 4 years to realise that what I took as a positive feature was just a pure fear of confrontation (meaning ANY sort of open/direct yet very diplomatic talk about us or just being able to admit that he changed his mind about our plans e.g. a trip, cinema, holidays) and cowardice. Usually, he just went all quiet and disappeared rather than being open or assertive and usually he just did/answered what he thought was “my way” and then he was annoyed. He liked fantasising a lot (a typical future faker), promising big things what he would like us to do or be (if he wasn`t such a coward) and then of course he got uncomfortable about his own words when it came to terms and started being passive aggressive or blowing cold. Whenever I asked him about anything that he said he/we would do or why it never happened he disappeared or started pointing at me in defense, reasoning by what I was like, what he thought I disliked, how he`s a busy guy which I couldn`t appreciate etc., calling me moody and black&white (despite we never argued and I was perfectly assertive) and as Katty said, he slowly dragged me down and made me completely insecure and confused, plus what`s worse, believing that I was the problem and I was so horrible. After all, he was such a nice, shy and decent guy so it must have been me. Or maybe not. As as R.C. said, he was an older guy and had many issues with himself plus he was a mommy`s and older sister`s boy living at home (at his mid 40s despite making excellent money and having his own house with a very low mortgage) and quite experienced in reasoning about it. It actually made me see that sometimes it`s worth having someone ready to discuss things rather than a quiet polite coward running away every time he sniffs there might be some direct conversation on anything. On the other hand, it also made me feel that older single guys carry more baggage which they gathered on the way through the years than younger ones and a mommy`s boy is a definitely huge red flag from now on. The experience certainly made me re-think my original idea of an ideal partner. But in a way that I realised that things I considered red flags or undesirable things based on my childhood and first disappointment in love were in fact misdiagnosed or overestimed as main reasons for the poor relationship and getting the opposite is no guarantee of a happy relationship. I suppose it is never good to write the whole group of guys off only because we have a bad or disappointing experience with one particular individual but I think the tendency to cross out guys because of their age, job or hobbies or one particular feature is mainly caused by the fact that we are not able to identify the real issue in the relationship and feel safer knowing that a new guy has a completely different background than the ex-assclown. Well I wonder what guy is waiting for me next….
@ Trinity–Too true!!!
This was exactly my story: Was with an aggressive, self obsessed guy for too many years, and when I finally said goodbye to that (and felt good about it) I hadn’t allowed myself the time to process all that I had been through. Instead, I met a guy that seemed the complete opposite – introverted, very quiet, and he was besotted with me…and those things became unhealthy and obsessive . Problem was, I jumped into a marriage with him after ignoring some serious red flags that could have indicated to me that I was sending myself into sudden doom. He was passive aggressive, would cry at the drop of a hat and insist that I was uncaring. Saying these things made me carry around the most enormous amount of guilt everyday, and I ended up seeing a therapist about it. When I asked if he could go too, he insisted that he didn’t have ANY problems, except for me, and that once I was ‘fixed’ the relationship between us would be fine. With the therapists help, I managed to figure out that I am not responsible for someone else’ happiness, I’m merely a part of it. And I learned how to draw boundaries and perhaps most important of all, I learned the word ‘No’.
After several threats that he made on his life if I were ever to leave him, followed by accusations that I had married him for money and was having an affair, I managed to divorce him and take time out for myself to figure out what it is that I want to make myself happy. It’s been great and I feel like had I not gone through that I would never have learned to say ‘No’ – a powerful and satisfying tool to avoid jerks.
This blog highlights the things that I discovered about myself, especially diving into relationships as a way of avoiding looking at my own life. The lessons were learned the hard way, but hey, knowledge is power, right?
A modern day fairytale
Written by De, for Natalie and all… xxx
Beauty sleep
Therapist
Beauty
King
Queen
Prince and all other characters… played by De.
Therapist… So miss S beauty, what seems to be going on in your life right now?
Beauty…. I’ve been asleep for a hundred years and I woke up with some guys tongue in my mouth
Therapist… Do you think there was GHB involved?
Beauty… GHB whets that?
Therapist… It’s a date rape drug
Beauty… can you imagine the state of my mouth after a hundred years, anything could have been involved!!
Therapist…So now you have a prince in your life..
Beauty… Yeah, a real prince… the whole courtship thing is so out of whack. I mean I was talking to Cinderella, and her prince danced all night with her, till she ran off, the whole… she got to play the whole ‘hard to get thing’ and he looked for her high and low. And bam, right there, on his knees knelt down with a shoe and stuff, and now she say’s he does nothing but walk around kissing her damned shoes all day and she can never find a pair to wear . They came on sooo strong at the beginning and.
Look at him!! I get the guy covered in scratches… who just wants to jump on my bones, and stick his tongue down my throat! Not even a vodka and tonic or hiring a DVD and a take-out!.
. All he does is wander around the garden whacking plants, cutting himself on thorns…screaming, I’m coming princes I’m coming…
But he never arrives!! Why isn’t he coming with me?
I mean he does call … But is that enough. I want this to work!
Therapist…
As women, we tend to look for the smallest of things to make ourselves feel better about sleeping with our guys or just plain ‘ole liking/loving them, and this often causes us to spend more time on a relationship than is necessary.
We see gold when in actual fact it’s brass, or even rusty ‘ole copper, and often we use the Justifying Zone as the launch pad for betting on potential and basically hoping that a cockroach will turn into a frog, and then eventually into a prince.
Beauty. Why?
Therapist… Well to be fair, who wants to feel like they’ve had Yet Another Dubious Dating Experience? You have to remember that you have unhealthy relationship habits and measure the value of yourself based on your interactions with men. You don’t want to have another Here We Go Again Moment and you’ll bet on the potential, even if he never shows an ounce of decency ever again.
Beauty… Oh, now you’re projecting.
Silence.
Therapist. T ell me about your childhood… what’s your earliest memory?
Beauty… Well, I’m not sure if it’s a memory or have become a memory cause everyone talks about it all the time. But I seem to remember being in my crib on my christening day looking into the face of some fairy.
The fairies.
Fairy 1.… Oh. Look at that complexion, oh my… face like an angel. Oh let me touch that skin. Oh to die for …
Hmm. I give this child, fair of face, charm and grace
Fairy 2… I shall give her the gift of music, arts and literature
Beauty. . And then a huge storm enveloped the ceremony, darkness fell and a dark force entered the room.
Dark fairy. You bitches, you sent me to rehab. but I say no no no..
I will ignore your rudeness… I have a gift for the child … on her sixteenth birthday she shall be pricked by a needle and she shall die…cackle cackle.
Beauty.. Then she was gone. But luckily there was one last fairy that had hid.
Fairy 3. I cannot undo the curse but I can weaken it. On her sixteenth birthday she will indeed prick her finger on a needle but will fall into a deep sleep for one hundred years, and the kingdom shall sleep as well, so on her waking we will all be here to tend her.
Queen (of England) … Oh dear, well I’m not going to let anyone say we have anything to do with the death of another princess.
‘ I decree that all needles shall be banned from the kingdom’.
Beauty… we lost a lot of people that day, horses and carts where loaded up, dentists left, doctors left, junkies… no one wanted to go through withdrawal.
Therapist… But that’s the work!!
Beauty… On my sixteenth birthday I was out walking and noticed a tower. I climbed the stairs and opened a door. An ugly old woman was sitting doing something on a strange contraption. “That looks like fun, may I try…ouch something come up and bit meâ€.
Right then I fell into a deep sleep and the whole kingdom did as well. The cook and the kitchen boy, the soldier, the king and queen, the waiter, even the cat!!
Bramble and thorns grew up over the kingdom, we became a myth, but now and again a prince from some far off land would try to get through the vines to die miserable deaths.
Until on the hundred years were up, the brambles melted and turned into beautiful flowers and this git comes waltzing through. Didn’t have to fight dragons, didn’t climb up someone’s hair. No just walks through some flowers and puts his tongue down my throat!! Where’s the romance!!
Therapist … Dump the loser… take up mountain climbing and sword fighting … go slay your own dragons!!
Hi Natalie,
I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you would classify AC’s as predators?
Hi Gayle, yes it is off topic, but no I wouldn’t classify all assclowns as predators. That’s quite a strong term and if all ACs are assumed predators, it would make it seem like all of the people they get involved with are victims.
Wow, De! It’s just fantastic!
Indeed I shall go and kill dragons on my own!
Thanks Bettha!.. It helps me to turn it into comedy 🙂