There is a tendency when we feel more than a little ill done by for some of the poor choices that we make, to tag a man as an assclown…even when he’s not, and that’s simply because there is a general assumption by women who have a habit of pursuing poor men and relationships that each guy has the potential to be the one, or that they have to continue expending energy on a relationship when it’s flat out dead, and a general issue with letting go of things.
However, this isn’t just about understanding when a man isn’t an assclown, it’s also about recognising that you can’t cling onto every man and relationship because breaking up, whilst horrible, is a part of life and we can’t just decide that we’d rather stick with poor relationships because we’re afraid to let go and are resistant to change.
Whilst change can be uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it.
In the book I explain that “You’ll be outraged and indignant that he’s not still there with you wanting what you want. You’ll think about how you feel, and wonder how he can’t feel the same way. You may wonder if there is someone else or whether he’s confused/scared/having a moment and be plotting how to get him to come around to your way of thinking. You’ve already decided that you’re more than happy to try, to keep working at the relationship and you can’t understand why he doesn’t want to try. Or you may be using every expletive under the sun as you rage at yourself and anyone else who will listen about the fact that the relationship has ended.
Whatever it is that you do, you may have got it into your head that he’s an assclown because he had the cheek to end the relationship, and I’m here to tell you that, yes whilst some men are complete and utter assclowns when they break up with you, in general, a man breaking up with you does not an assclown make.
Hard as this may be for you to digest, not every relationship has potential or is built to last. Relationships do end and annoying as it may be, men are allowed to end relationships and break up with us.
YOU may be OK with middle of the road, mediocrity, or constantly trying to ‘make things work’ but the fact that he doesn’t share that same desire is not a crime and it certainly doesn’t make him an assclown.
You have to ask yourself why you want a relationship with someone that doesn’t?
If he wants out of the relationship, why don’t you want out of the relationship?
What are you seeing about the relationship that he doesn’t?
What is he seeing about the relationship that you don’t?
Ultimately, the biggest thing that you have to accept about breaking up is that it’s not just about what you want.
You cannot project what you think, feel, want, and need onto someone, and assume that ipso facto, they think, feel, want, and need exactly the same things as you. You may have been in a relationship but it doesn’t mean that we have to lose our sense of self and merge each others personalities, characters, and desires.”
The difference between a man that breaks up with you and an assclown that breaks up with you is how the latter man treats you in the run up to the breakup or afterwards. To be honest, if a relationship is ending, it’s difficult to make it a ‘pleasant’ experience, but that doesn’t mean that a guy should treat you like crap till you get sick of him and dump him, cheat on you, or dump you and then keep trying to keep a foothold in your life so he can get you to break him off a piece when it suits.
We, that’s men and women, are allowed to change our mind though, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what things were like six months ago, two years ago, or that he said he was crazy about you six months ago, because something has changed, and he’s not crazy about you now and that’s what matters. We have to be careful of becoming fixated on trying to re-ignite a flame or feeling that has been extinguished or possibly didn’t exist…
You know I’ll call a spade a spade, but the fact that you don’t want it to end and he does, may be more of an indicator that one of you has a firmer foot in reality than they do in the relationship that only you want.
Your thoughts?
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I love the fact that no matter what the circumstances of the breakup, you continue to say, “IT IS OVER”. Period. Whether he is an assclown, you are, or both…it did not work. PERIOD. End of story. Every story has an ending in death. Death of the person, or death of the so called relationship. It is done. You say it, and say it, and still the excuses fly. The buts never seem to end. Take time to fix whatever is wrong with yourself, and then try again, but…
If someone wants to end it, someone has to end it. It only takes one of you. Either he does it or you do it.
When it is truly the end, there is nothing you can do but accept it and move on.
Yeah exactly… we can WANT, WANT, WANT all we WANT… but that isn’t going to change the fact that the man chooses to feel a different way about you… and that all convincing in the world on youe end, all the desire, all the lust and fantasing, does not change reality you need to accept and honor his wants too.
Before my current EUM, I had a great relationship with this guy for two years, we were madly in love with each other…but it didnt work out for HIM..so he left me, like a coward, without any explanation…Its took me almost three years to “cure” myself, and all these three years I didnt date anyone. I dont think my ex was an Assclown, but what I cant forgive him for, that he didnt face me, he was finding excuses and I never really had a closure…HE tought me a very good lesson, if you really want to punish or hurt someone, just disappear without any explanation…this is this the most painful thing!!! That what I done to my current EUM…no explanation, lets them suffer, like I did!
“guy treats you like crap till you get sick of him and dump him, cheat on you, or dump you and then keep trying to keep a foothold in your life so he can get you to break him off a piece when it suits.”
Yup, mine was definitely an assclown.
But it´s good to be reminded that not every guy is. Sometimes it just doens´t work. And that´s OK, as long as you treat each other with respect, even in breaking up.
I think another thing to consider and that I have learned is to take our time and not become attached or so invested too soon. I know we all get excited at the prospect of meeting someone new.. we go on a date and we wind up liking the guy and WANT it to happen. Or someone is pursuing us, saying all the right things and we quickly believe them. I know for me, I have learned that prevention is the key. Although I may like a guy a lot or like what he is saying…. I proceed with caution and try hard not to allow my rose colored glasses to taint my reality. Yes I know I want a relationship, and yes ofcourse I would love to be in love blah blah blah……. but I have also learned that I have to wait and see if actions match words…. if the desire and interest matches mine from theirs and that it isnt just me creating these feelings in my own mind for the sake of wanting someone. Dating is about finding out about eachother……..there is another post that NML has where she says that there is like a 3-month probationary period. where you shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions, making a fantasy in your mind or proceeding too quickly. Take your time and get to know someone, see if what this person is saying is real and not just someone blowing smoke up your A**. Be weary and pay attention to your gut and anything that feels like a red flag….and the most important thing…when we do see and feel this…. not to be afraid to get yourself out. Have the self esteem and high enough standards to believe in yourself and know that you deserve better. I think in the end this helps tremendously in keeping ourselves grounded. Not saying we won’t ever get our hearts broken ever again……. but atleast if we proceed with caution, allow ourselves to see and accept that perhaps someone is not recipricating in the same way (and not start thinking that there is something wrong with us) we can atleast make the decision to get out before we make any further investment. Have fun but pay attention– make sure you are seeing what is really there. Rejection is hard especially when you are the one being rejected or not getting that phone call back etc….. but NML is right… instead of dwelling on the WHY’s and obsessing about what we can do to change that, the best thing to do is to just accept it and walk away and save ourselves any further turmoil.
It’s like that Bonnie Raitt song “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” I mean, what are you going to do? I would be annoyed if my past exes villainized me for simply moving on, especially if no unfaithfulness was involved.
Tiffany @ Engagement 101’s last blog post..5 signs your engagement is doomed
I was going to quote Bonnie Raitt’s song too, but Tiffany got there before me 🙂 I agree completely. If someone wants out of the relationship then there is nothing we can do about it. We have to respect their feeelings and have the strength to move on and live without them.
Well, respecting the assclown’s feelings is quite difficult – esp when one never treats your feelings with respect!
Great article with lots of good points. Which succintly makes the point that sometimes just because a fellow wants to end, the relationship. This does not an ‘assclown’ make. Thanks for the great info.
While I agree that just because someone leaves you does not make him an assclown, however, I think that a man who walks away without an explanation is an assclown. There is never any excuse for impolite behavior.
As Alika stated, if you really want to hurt or punish someone, just disappear without an explanation. Yeah, that makes someone an assclown. Well put.
See, if we all faced reality, and spoke the truth of that reality, then we would all be better off. Then, each person in the relationship could choose. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have engaged in the relationship for the great sex, but I can say that I will never know what I would have done, because my choices were taken away from me. Had both of my long term relationships been truly open, we might have actually found real and lasting love, but alas, each of them kept just enough to themselves, and just enough from me, that I will never know. And, neither will they.
In one man’s case, he did say he was sorry, and he hoped it wasn’t too late – and he meant it. The thing is . . . it was too late. The other guy. . . he never said. And although I know it wasn’t anything I did, etc., I still wonder, “What is it that happened to him in his life, that he thinks it is okay to walk away without so much as a goodbye?”
When I read posts about someone saying that their “lover” broke up with them in an e.mail . . . What I wouldn’t give for that small token.
Does that make any sense?
Thank you, Elizabeth!
You know, I was begging my ex to tell me the truth and what was wrong, but he was avoiding me…I wouldn’t mind, if he left me, I cant force someone to stay with me (He wasn’t Assclown, he was a nice and a decent guy!) and I was entitled to have a closure! IF he said: “Look, I met someone else, I don’t love you anymore”… I know it is very painful to hear but still I would accept it. But he never did…still now, I don’t know what had happened…Can you imagine, three years later? I don’t think about him all the time, but sometimes I still wonder, what went wrong:-(
Yes, I not only imagine. I know. One year later, and I still don’t know. He just quit calling; I met with him and he said, “I want this [relationship] to work. I know you don’t think I’ve done anything [to make it work], but I’ve done a lot. Yes, I do want to be with you.”
Three months later, nothing really had changed, so I had to be the one to say, “This is over. I can no longer take the rejection. Everything that you said you wanted is sitting here in front of you, and you choose to walk away . . . everytime.”
I thought that my walking away would give me closure, but it didn’t. I’m not built that way.
I want the truth. I really think that the truth would be less painful. For me anyway, the truth would be less painful. It would be a tangible thing that I could wrap my head around.
I know I didn’t do anything and my self-esteem is not shattered by this, but my heart was broken, and this lack of information really prolongs my healing.
So, even though he seemed to be a nice man, caring . . .
I don’t know . . . a man who walks away, without so much as a goodbye . . . is he decent? Or is he an assclown. I used to think that he was just a confused and lonely man, but to not “hold” his responsibility – – yeah, assclown.
If he is an assclown then I don’t think he could even come up with a reason alls he knows is he can’t commit and he can’t not commit ..
so he lives in limbo land waiting for us to do something either to hang around and accept the crap or to walk away ourselves and leaving us to the seeya laters … so to be honest if he is an assclown you will never get an answer ..
My comment was in response to what I interpreted the main point of NML’s post: that just because a man chooses to leave you and break off the relationship does not automatically make him and a**clown. In relatively healthy relationships if one person no longer wants to be with you and they have the decency to talk about it with you and then leaves, what can you do? Nothing but accept their decision and move on. What makes the person an a**clown is if, for example, they string you along and then disappear or they start treating you poorly hoping that you will leave and they won’t have to do anything. However, in either scenario, whether the man says it’s over or he behaves in a manner that indicates he is no longer interested, the fact is he wants out and no longer wants you. A difficult thing to accept, I agree, but one that we must accept. As NML asked in the post, why would you want to be with a man who has said or indicated through his behavior that he no longer wants you? I didn’t say respect the a**clown, I said respect his feelings that he no longer wants to be with you and move on. Paradoxicaly, you also respect yourself b/c you’ve chosen to see and be in reality and make yourself available for somone who does want you. Wishing, hoping or wanting it to be different won’t make it so.
Elizabeth, not sure if this will help, but I’ll tell you what I do and it helps put things into perspective for me. We dont have to put a label on these men. I think that some truly ARE A.clowns and are jerks, period. But not all of them.
After over two years of tormenting myself with the guy I’m still dating he has “graduated” from an Assclown to just a neurotic, with issues out the yin-yang. I have my own issues and they play right into his issues. He’s not mean – he’s a little nuts. That being said, I know that I am too b/c I am still with him in spite of all that has gone on between us – mostly bad.
I am not saying to feel sorry for your ex – that seems only makes us feel worse, I think. But try to think of him as a guy that was just messed up in the head. Enough to not know a good thing when he had it. After all, you are absolutely fabulous! His loss.
Sorry, I also meant to add that since I’ve changed my thinking about the guy I’m with, we have gotten along much better. We’ve been back together for over a month (for me that is a miracle) and there have not been any stupid fights or arguments. I am being “careful” with him and he is returning the favor. I havent felt this happy in a long time.
But … as he is who he is and the way he is, there is a great chance that one day he’ll pull the rug out from under me and tell me he’s done. I feel strong enough now that I will let him go. If he told me this weekend, I’d hurt, but I’d walk and not look back.
We all have an inner strength that we can pull from. I finally found mine. No matter what he chooses to do, I’ll be okay.
Elizabeth,
It’s been a year, that’s a very long time to be holding on to this. I think you need to ask yourself why you need an explanation-do you think he would be honest-why does it matter at this point, the relationship is long over?
It doesn’t sound like this man treated you well and yet you’re are calling him and “caring” and “nice”, a caring and man does not just walk away from a relationship without an explanation, I don’t think you’re seeing this guy for who he is after all this time. Not good!
I think the post on validation may help you try to understand why you’re not moving on from this situation.
The same works for a man who SAYS he wants to be with you…. but his ACTIONS are completely the opposite. See there are many ways this scenario can take place— but it all leads to the same thing…. you having to accept the truth/reality and then work on letting that go (easier said than done I agree). If the man disappears– it sucks, if he is nice and has the decency to let you know he no longer wants u– it sucks, if he doesnt tell you— and in fact continues to tell you that he wants to be with you all along cheating behind your back (like it happened with me) it still SUCKS!!! So tell me which way is better? There isnt a “better or easier” way! Rejection sucks regardless of what form it comes in. The key is in how WE ourselves are able to handle rejection. We have to learn how to deal with it because it is a fact of life. Do you wan to be the woman who allows the door to close and walks away with her integrity still in tact (notice i did not mention anything about not hurting) or you want to be the woman who sits and obsesses and obsesses and allows herself to remain stuck wtih the why’s? The question always has to come back to US! Yes– he may have been an A**clown, he may have not, but the reality does not change…. that we have to DEAL with being rejected and that is something a lot of us are not willing to DEAL with. We instead rather continue to focus on what he could have done or not done, or worse… what we should have done or said or not done or not said– these are all AVOIDANCE tactics to get us AWAY from the real issue– which is…… You have been rejected,,, focus on the things inside of YOU that cause you to not deal with this very well or that keeps you “STUCK” in it for a long period of time.There are women out there that range from saying: Oh well his loss…. and move on within days and then there is the other extreme of women who go as far as stalking them because they cannot deal with their own issues and pain. Either way– it has to do with how we choose to deal with it thats why closure has nothing to do with “THEM” and everything to do with “US”.
Elizabeth: you think that if you got “an answer” from him you would feel better…….but trust me…..it would just open up so many other questions in your mind because then you would have more things to blame yourself for or ask yourself. If he said he just didnt think you were funny enough…. you would then proceed to tell yourself how this is true……and perhaps even replay the whole relationship in your mind (again– this is not beneficial to your healing either– in fact, its worse!) and then the next guy that comes along and rejects you might say something else……. are you going to blame and or try to change that about yourself as well?? We cannot tie our self value to what others think of us. If we do, we are constantly at their whim and we will never learn what it really means to have “healthy self esteem” because that is the real issue here…. lack of self esteem. If you had more confidence in yourself (heck if we all had more confidence in ourselves) you would not be asking these questions nor would you need an explanation or goodbye from him. You would simply know how fabulous you are and wouldnt need anyone else to confirm nor deny it for you.
I know you wish the ending would have been more “respectful” or that each party that we encounter is truthful and open and honest— because it would be soo much easier (and yes that could be true) but you are still not focusing on what the real issue here is….. this man didnt say goodbye…. nothing is going to change that……and you need to deal with being able to come to terms with that not with wheter or not that makes him an A**clown or whether or not that makes him “decent”… who cares about him! You were a wonderful person to him who opened your heart and took a chance and only expected respect and honesty in return and you didnt get it…. shame on him!!! and let it go.
I hope this did not come across harsh. Believe me, rejection is EXTREMELY hard for everyone!……. but once you get that it isnt about them or the closure that you “think” you need in order to move forward……..you empower yourself to start working on what you need to do to love yourself more and really heal. I truly mean all of this with a kind and caring heart because I am still learning and dealing with this myself but can see that you are “stuck”… Yes– read the post on validation like Gaynor said…… i think that will help a lot! 😉
Karen I think you words were right on point. It doesn’t matter what the reason is you still have to accept that this person has moved on with his/her life and that we must do the same.
You are all correct.
I should be over him by now. I have no illusions. I know all of this. My task is to move on. I never ever wanted anyone who didn’t want me. But, yet, here I am. My task is to heal me and figure out how I got hooked.
This blog has helped; by telling my story, outside of my circle of friends, over and over again, has helped. Each time I gain insight to me. He is who he is, and he will never change. It is clear that I am addicted to him. That is why I will adhere to the NC. I have not built an immunity.
Please, continue to point out the obvious to me. It does help.
I said he appeared to be kind and caring; alas, how kind and caring could he be when he opted out of the relationship, but left me to be the one to end it? He wasn’t a kind and caring man. He wasn’t a respectful man. He played me, and I allowed myself to be played.
This man is an assclown. He will never change, and he will never carry his obnoxious and hurtful behavior.
I do not want to be in this predictament again. My relationship with him cost me dearly. It traumatized me, and I refuse to put myself through this again. Refuse. There is some serious work that I need to do in order for that to happen.
Gaynor: You were correct about the validation issues. That’s my problem. I know all of this. I get all of this. I cannot seem to figure out why I am stuck. I don’t even want him anymore. I really don’t. I let go of the illusion, but . . . here I sit, ruminating.
So, please, folks, continue to bring up anything, as it pertains to the article and the issue of the current blog. It has helped immensely.
Elizabeth,I was stuck when this happened to me a while back and I know how you feel. You need to find a way to get over this, because it is OVER .Now, I am assuming you are NOT in contact with him anymore? Also, give it time, I don’t know how long ago he vanished, may I ask how old he is? Can you get to a point to tell yourself” yeah, he took me for a ride” and let go. I don’t believe that getting an answer why he vanished would help you,but you need to find a way not to blame yourself. A man that walks away without an explanation,
he may be an assclown, maybe not, but looking for validation from him is pointless.
May be he seemed to be caring and kind – maybe he did that to make sure he gets you hooked?Just a front? Just something to do?
Read the articles on this website and follow your GUT!! I promise you that you will pick up on the wrong men. Can’t you just enjoy life, take day by day and enjoy it? Relly enjoy it, good days and stressful days? You really need to get to a point to tell yourself” Scr*w him, I will be fine and I am sure that is what your friends want for you.
One question. you said he left you to end the relationship? How did he do that? I feel for you, have been there, my story is old and time will get you to a better place, I am still reading here, I always will, I am amazed about eerything I am learning here.
Annied, how many times have you two ‘broken” up?
If you feel that by knowing what he is you can handle him “better” and you won’t get hurt by him AGAIN, I would like to know know how that is possible? By catering to him and put yourself on the back burner?
I am nobody to judge, if this works for you, NOBODY can convince you of anything different, but what brought you to this website? Him?
Astelle: Yes, I know that it is over. Yes, I now realize that he was never in the relationship, even though it was a relationship – it was not one imagined in my head. This was not some fantasy after a man called me two or three times and then we had a drink. We knew each other for eight months before the 2 and 1/2 year period began. This was one with plans for a house, etc. Neither he nor I wanted marriage, as we had both been in long term marriages, and both realized that marriage does not a commitment make.
How did he disappear? After two and one half years, he stopped initiating phone contact. As I am not one to chase, I didn’t call him, immediately, but approximately one week later, I asked for a meeting with him so that I could inquire as to what had changed, in his life, that caused this sudden stop of communication.
He agreed to a meeting. We met. He told me that he became busy in his new job, that we talked often enough, and that even though he didn’t call his children everyday he still had a relationship with them. I would have to understand that this was a transition period in his life. However, he did realize that his behavior was hurtful, that he wanted to continue the relationship, but he wasn’t sure as to when he would be able to move on with the plans.
My response to that comment about his children was, “Although I don’t have to talk to you everyday, we both know that not calling your children on a daily basis is different than a situation between a couple.”
My next comment was, “If you want to end this relationship, tell me now, and although I want a relationship with you, I will move on.”
His response, “I want the relationship. I want to conquer – not his exact words – his own issues, so that there can be an us. I hope that I can get my issues resolved in time for an us.”
Fair enough. My mistake was in contacting him after a few weeks as to see where he was with this whole issue. Yes, he says, he wants to continue, and yes we can meet on such and such a date.
Well, when such and such a date arrived, I finally realized that two and one half years of my life had passed, and that the script was the same. I knew that I had to get rid of my addiction to him. What does all of the literature say? It says to stop cold turkey. I told him that we would not be seeing each other anymore, as he had already rejected me enough and that I could no longer continue to put myself in that position.
That was eleven months ago. There has been absolutely no contact for six months. There has been the awkward, “Hi. How are you?” in the past two months, as business has dictated that we run into each other on occasion.
So, I still say that he is an assclown, as he didn’t follow a respectful course of letting me know that he wanted to move on.
I get that I didn’t do anything. I get that he didn’t want me. I did not once beg for him to return, etc. I pined for him for a long time, but I know that we wouldn’t have worked, because he didn’t address his issues, and that he is who he is. He will never change.
I just don’t get why my heart is still broken.
5 months ago, my partner of 10 years ended our relationship. I suggested counselling, but he didnt want it. i moved out. it was so so hard. he wants to be friends. i said i need time to heal. he’s seeing someone else. a couple of weeks ago he contacted me. he wanted to talk about what we have both been going through. he said sometimes when he misses me and it hurts, he realises the pain he has put me through and he is sorry. he said he talks about me more now with his friends than he did when we were together and that he is making big efforts to change.
i don’t understand why he would be saying this to me now. any ideas? does this mean he’s reconsidering things or just trying to ease his guilt?
Lisa, I am really sorry for your break-up…10 years is a long time…Maybe your man has a second thoughts and started to compare you with his new girl??? Ask yourself questions which NML stated above. What makes me angry, why he didn’t accept concelling? I think, it worth saving 10 years relationship! DO you want him back?
Elizabeth, I think your man is an Assclown…why he gave your all these promises to sort himself out??? IT was another way to say “goodbye”, he was a coward and couldn’t accept responsibility, it was easy for him to disappear and leave you wondering , just like my ex:-( What a losers!!!
I wish you all the best:-)
Thanks Alika. We still have love and care for each other, we both miss each other. I would consider reconciliation, but only if we could get our issues sorted out. I believe we would need relationship counselling. At the same time, 10 years is a long time without commitment…would it just happen again?
i just wonder why he is wanting to talk if he is with someone else…i assume he is still with her…perhaps he wanted to see what else is out there…we had been togther since he was 19.
I think he thought i would play by his rules…be friends and get on with life, but still hang out. no thanks. its all or nothing. maybe one day we can be friends again, but not while i still have feelings…i am not going to fake it for the sake of everyone thinking this was mutual.
Lisa, it seems like he wants your relationship on his terms and his terms only. He tells you he misses you and wants you to remain in contact because his ego can’t handle the idea of not maintaining control. This way, he has you emotionally hooked, his a new girlfriend he could screw, have you to screw whenever he wants it, and maintains his life and the status quo as he pleases without having to put any more effort into your relationship. His new girlfriend is probably suffering too. (or will be soon enough)
Lisa: I think that ACs try to stay in our “psyches” – a form of control. Ultimately, they can’t make a decision, so they vacillate back and forth, in various ways, between two women – so that they are not alone. So, I don’t think that we can end up being friends with an ex ass-clown. I tried, and that is what actually kept me hooked. He was not emotionally healthy, and because of him, I ended up becoming emotionally unhealthy. It will take me a long time to get over this. Many lessons learned, but it permanently changed me.
Thing is, even with another woman, the ACs are really alone, because they don’t connect on a heart to heart level. If you yourself are an emotionally available person, you get “managed down” as NML says, and then I think that you become a bit EU yourself. If you look deep, you might know that he never really connected in the same way that you did – beyond the differences of how men and women relate.
All of his problems aside, and all of your problems aside, and all of my problems aside, my heart still hurts, and I’m sure yours does too. I loved and I loved deeply, and my heart needs to heal from the inside out. I have had only two long term relationships – both with EU men. In the case of my husband, it was mild, but I now know he was EU. When I became uncentered with him, it was only for a short time, etc. The husband was not an assclown, but even though we were married for 27 years, and never really fought, until the last three. We just grew into different people and disconnected. It wasn’t until after I was away from him that I realized we both kept parts of ourselves away from the other – and thus, how could we have really connected.
The second man – the one whom I’m still trying to get over – is an assclown. He really is a very tortured person. You can see it. I wasn’t attracted initially, but he knew how to ensnare me, and he knew how to keep me hooked. I became addicted to him, and that is why it is so hard to kick.
This blog has helped me immensely. I’ve been reading for over a year, and only recently commenting, but by telling my story, I am sorting out my issues. I believe I read somewhere, that in clinical counseling sessions, across the US, the EU man is the number one reason women seek counseling.
I should add that he’s also maintaining contact with you because it would be too grand of a gesture for him to lose it. He can’t commit to being in your relationship and he can’t commit to being out of it. While he plays with your emotions, he’s able to sit on the fence and post-pone any long-term decisions (like being with you). Sounds assclowny to me.
OMG, if he left, even if it was without explanation, then let him go. Would hearing the exact reasons why he felt you weren’t enough for him make you feel better in the long run? Probably not. Him closing the door on the relationship was your “closure”. And it’s not always up for discussion or debate. Move on. And if you’ve noticed that relationships like this are your pattern, then do some serious self evaluation before pursuing a new one. Stop the whining and bitching about what “the last man did”. If you continue to allow yourself to hurt and love someone that didn’t love you long after the relationship has ended, then at that point the only one you can blame for your hurt is yourself.
is it that he has now had a taste of life without me and isnt sure of his decision? he wanted to be just friends and is confused because that is not what i want? he seems to want me to know he has changed. my opinion is that it is all just words…and i keep moving forward either way.
btw, he is not approaching me for sex. nor would i offer it if we weren’t in an exclusive relationship again. all i’ve had are the ‘i want to be friends’, ‘i want to tell you how i feel’, ‘i want to talk about what we’ve both been going through’ and now ‘i’ve changed’.
all he has offered is to talk again.
Hello Lisa and everyone,
I’m in the exact same situation as you, only difference is that we were ‘together’ for two years and as far as I know he hasn’t got a new flame but … I have my suspicions.
It took an awful long time to wake up to the truth, but come what may I will not slip again and keep in touch with him. I am not allowing him to have his way anymore and end up hurting when I can move on from this. It truly is difficult, but I believe no contact really is the only thing that works with these kinds of men! Hopeless!!
Good luck Lisa and everyone struggling x
Maria’s last blog post..He broke up with me – Is he an assclown?
Lisa, perhaps I missed a post but I haven´t read what kind of relationship you had with this guy. You wrote you have been together for 10 years? Do you recognize him as an EUM now that you have read NMLs posts on EUMs? Did he get involved with this new girlfriend before breaking up? Did he actually say he wanted to break up or did he just dissapear?
Or was it a real committed relationship and was he generally a nice guy who broke up with you?
If it is the latter than it is not weird and even very understandable that a breakup after 10 years is not going to be without some emotional struggle on his or your part, it does not make him an assclown perse. Some talking is not nessecarily a bad thing after 10 years if it was a real committed relationship. As long as you know what you want and set up your boundaries. If he was an EUM and the 10 years cost you dearly than No Contact is the way. Good luck.
Remember… any man I love would NOT treat me this way…My mantra for as long as It can help get me past this block. I want an open heart for the universe and it’s happiness to enter, to touch it and make it sing with warm loving feelings.
Gentle strength to all and may your own inspiration protect and feed your growth. Alone is All one.
peace
Astelle, of course I came to this website b/c of him. He is a EUM in every sense of the word. I’m probably foolish to put myself back “in” it, but at least this time I feel like my eyes are wide open. I know what I’m getting into – it’s risky, I’ll admit.
Like a friend of mine said, you arent ready until you are ready … it took me 13 years to be “ready” to divorce my husband. Yeah, a lot of time went by, but not wasted b/c I have children from the union. Not one regret do i have in leaving him. Not one morsel of feeling to I have for him. I waited until the well ran dry – but I was done.
I think I’m doing the same thing with this guy … it wont last 13 years though, I promise! I’m almost ready to end this on my own and forever – not quite yet. May be soon now though… we spent a very nice weekend together. But as I was leaving and giving him a hug today, I asked (sweetly) Do you love me? ….. he was like a deer caught in the headlights …. “I like you a lot. You are a sweet girl.” I stared him in the face and said, okay, but do you love me? He stammered around and said “yea, yea, I do”. I said, ok, and left.
It seemed so incredibly PAINful for him to admit that – to say it – for the words to come out of his mouth. Bleck. Maybe he was lying and didnt want to start a fight – maybe he really does but doesnt want me to know. But when I got in my car and drove home, I didnt cry. l went over in my head how I’ll tell him tomorrow that he didnt really convince me and ask for the truth. I’m going to tell him that if he doesnt love me, I’m done – I want out. If he hasnt figured it out after almost 3 years, he never will. The feeling of ambivilance is growing inside me. Say some prayers for me.
annied
Annied – you got your answer “he likes you alot” and the only reason why he said “yeah” was because you were pressing, staring him in the face. This shouldn’t be after dating someone for three years and of course you know that, why are you giving him ultimatums when you already know he isn’t for you? You can’t force someone into loving you… he may just say he does to have one foot in, is that going to satisfy you? Wish you luck!
It’s been six years and I still wonder what the hell happened. In the end, I didn’t want an explanation of what went wrong, I just wanted back the relationship that I thought I had. It turned out to be fantasy relationship and it was wonderful! I loved the way I felt about myself when I was with him. Over time I learned those positive feelings really lived in me – he didn’t give them to me. Assclown or good guy? Didn’t really matter. The guy is gone and he’s never coming back.
Truthhurts, thank you for replying. I don’t know if he is EU or just immature. A bit of both I think. It ended by him withdrawing and I eventually confronted him and he ended it. Then there was every reason under the sun for it so I don’t really know what the truth is.
It’s been 5 months and now HE is ready to talk. He feels terribly guilty for hurting me. He says he has changed. What he hasn’t said is that he wants to try again. I don’t think that is his intention.
Looking back I can’t see it was a real commitment. His immaturity always meant there was a little resistance to things. Even to growing up I believe. So now he is growing up? I don’t know. He wants me to see he has changed as far as looking after himself goes, but what I want to really see is an emotional change. If we had issues about housework etc, it’s the underlying reasons for it I want to see have changed. Commitment to someone, wanting to be in the relationship and showing it, respecting the other person, etc. I told him I ended up feeling like his maid, not his partner.
We both say we care about each other deeply. We are both seeing changes we need to make for ourselves. Is he still with her? I don’t know. I assume so. He hasn’t said otherwise.
I don’t know if he had done anything with this girl while we were together. I believe that he would have ended it with me beforehand, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t develop feelings for her and end it with me. I guess I will never really know.
He said change had to happen and that this was progress. He believes this is the right path…for him I guess.
so what does an assclown make? lets consider the term..ass means rather stinky behavior including, but not limited to…rude, indifferent, or insensitive, A clown is silly little man, usually sad, insecure and not really all that funny. An assclown usually behaves like one whilst in the ‘chip and continues that behavior all the way through to the break up.
So whether a relationship is in progress, going bad, or ending, the difference between a man and as assclown is that a man will attempt to speak to you intelligently, with understanding and compassion for both his feelings and your feelings, while an assclown will do or say something silly, mean, avoidant or ignorant, just like he has likely done all along.
To me, the opposite of an assclown is a man. As I work though no contact with the clown I encountered, I remind myself of this distinction every day, and also remind myself that I want men in my life, not clowns,
I agree aphrogirl…
lets learn to recognize what men with substance look like rather than the ambigious superficial men we have allowed into our lives, stop letting them walk all over it with their muddy ignorance. Life is too friggin short!! take the focus off them and put it back where it belongs with ourselves and our own needs, get it right, make the application form and anyone comes knocking they fill it out first!! Take back your power!
maybe he’s seeing things clearer now that we have been apart for a while, maybe not. it seems all talk to me unless he takes action and makes a commitment.
but i know he wont. its been nearly 2 weeks since that conversation. i am not making any effort to contact him.
De, that’s an interesting way to look at any relationship; there should be some qualities one looks for in an applicant, from both sides. We need to work to be the best people we can be, and look for others actually doing the same.
I’ll add what I have learned about the evaluation process. FTR I have only met decent and normal men for four decades of my dating life. When I met the assclown I am dealing with now ( I am in week 3 of NC) he told me he was a misanthrope. I laughed and thought he was joking; I have never known anyone who actually claimed to dislike people. That was big mistake #1. Of course, at the same time he has a extra strong need for contact, but then can’t really handle it when he gets it. I ignored several other red flags, all involving really unique juvenile behavior from a 50+ year old man, and I actually thought he was joking every time I encountered his worst behavior.
But what makes him a clown is that he is too silly to try to learn and grow from his weaknesses. I think thats why strong, smart women can get tangled with these guys sometimes. I for one, have never known anyone who did not want to work on self improvement. To me a big part of life is all about working and learning from hard stuff. I just assume everyone else has this drive. And know what ? most people I have met do. The men I have broken off relationships with in the past were not assclowns, there was mutual recognition that the relationship was not built to last and we shift gears and remain friends who are not in a romantic relationship.
But, this one was different, wanting and not wanting, communciating and not communicating, taking and not giving, all the while being cold much more often than warm. I know I will never fall for this type of clown again. And you can be sure I will recognize an assclown early on in the future.
Part of the blame certainly falls upon me, believing in his potential, and assuming he , like every other person I know would WANT to work on dealing with his stuff. In that respect, I would give any decent man who may have issues,but is willing to address them and do the work, a fair chance. But if he is an ass, in any way, that will be a big red flag for me.
I leave this whole thing sadder and wiser. Sadder because one does want to see another human develop their potential. Wiser because this was a reminder that we can offer to help another, but in the end a person has to do their own work. And some people are going thru life as lazy silly clowns.
Lisa – There are so many ways of looking at your situation. There is a very good possibility that he was getting complacent after a 10 year relationship – saw something else he thought he wanted and now is missing things about you. Yes, you love him, Yes you invested 10 years into this…but right now you appear to me to be completely unavailable to anyone else (and going forward) except this guy. There is a huge possiblity he is ‘keeping you on the string’ for the ‘ego boost’ that we have all read about in this blog – or that maybe the other woman is ‘the ego boost’. You need to seriously think about how you are going to feel IF you ever did get back together with this guy. As much as you love him…think about the damage that has been done…maybe you just want this feeling to go away and the easiest way to have the pain go away is just to get him back. Ask yourself WHY you did not marry after 10 years. IF the man is lucky enough to get another chance from you…please please please hold the line on what you need, what you deserve and do not revolve 100% of your life around “planet man”.
Aphrogirl..
I hear you 🙂 I totally hold myself responsible for not seeing or listening to the red flags, betting on potential and most of all thinking if I give it will come back. Sadly the past 4 almost relationships I have had have been with he same kind of guy. I have in each case managed to extract myself in shorter time each time. First took 5 years of back and forward, second 2 and a half years ( this was the wake up call one) third 6 months. The fourth has been in and out during the past six years in between these others, my fall back guy and I his fall back girl. This last time with him, I have managed to quit within two weeks. I guess my message was me saying to myself enough is enough with this type of man. Like you I also believe people should work on themselves and I do, oh my god. I’m just stunned that I see a sweet smile and a look of attraction toward me and think this is possibly the one, aargg… so mad with myself for duping myself. I want to wake up and make better choices, I know I deserve it. Still learning 🙂 Before these guys I didn’t date for around 8 years, got burnt in a marriage and it took that long after it to heal and work on myself before I ventured out, thought I was ready, maybe not. Can’t believe I still can’t seem to get it right.
oh believe me things would not be the same. He admitted that a relationship with me would involve marriage and children. He knows that is what I want. I’m not saying I want children right now, but I must know it is something he wants. He says he ‘wants to want them’, but doesn’t desire them. Honestly, I think the pressure of his three closest friends getting engaged or married really got to him, made the pressure unbearable and he had to escape. That’s his issue and if he threw me away over that, screw him. Time for him to grow up, and until I see real emotional change, not just some of the basic changes he says he’s making, I would not consider a relationship of any kind with him.
De, you last line says so much..when you say you can’t beleive you still can’t get it right… I think maybe you are getting it right. I am not trying to be morose, but I am starting to wonder if getting it right is really being OK with being alone.
I do look around and see all my friends in long term marriages, and out of ten couples I could honestly say one couple has what I want in a relationship,
Most folks settle and get used to what they have. The one couple I admire work with what they have and specifically and intentionally work to grow both individually and as a couple.
I am thinking it is rare indeed to find a single older man who looks to a relationship as a source of growth. I suspect a few of us are here because we found guys who are the truly stunted ones,not at all into growth, and they sure are best described as assclowns.
Just another reason to learn to live life alone as a cakewalk. If I meet a guy who meets my extra fussy criteria ( which has nothing to do with looks or money !!) it will be icing on the cake for me. I venture out into the world daily, pretty jaded, but open and ready to be surprised if thats what will be.
Hi all – I just wanted to let you know that I’ve figured at least one thing out. Something isn’t right with my thinking. I’m looking for a therapist to see if I can get some help, because, although I thought I could, I can’t do this on my own. So, there it is.
Also, does anyone know what exactly a Masters Level Clinician is as compared to a psycholgist? These are choices from my insurance for therapy. I’ve never heard of a MLC.
annied, an “MLC” is a licensed counselor that doesn’t have a a Ph.D. Psychologists are Ph.D.s, which means they have more years of college under their belt. Some think it’s better to go to a psychologist because they have more eduction, but I think it really depends on the therapist as to whether they are going to be helpful to you or not. I wouldn’t let that keep you from going to see someone–I have been seeing a therapist for years and it has helped me a lot–with EUM issues, and other life challenges also. Some people think therapy is for weak people, but I see it as just the opposite. I think people who realize they need some help with their life difficulties are the ones who are courageous and strong. Good luck!
annied,
I am sorry to hear you think there is something wrong with your thinking. Hope you are not in such distress that is affecting your well being. Maybe you could see yourself as having growing pains – seeing troubled behavior you have never seen before and noting you are willing to address it, there is nothing wrong with that.
Here in the states I have had good luck with therapists who have the title MSW, a masters in social work, not a PHD. I found a woman I love twenty years ago, and use her to help me anytime I get stuck with a problem and seem to be making no progress.
I have always viewed therapists as helpers; one still has to do the bulk of the work on one’s own. But a skilled therapist can help you clarify what the problem is and help guide you in a direction that will be helpful.
If thinking about paying for therapy I think three things are in order;
1) Find a wise and kind one whose style and belief system resonates with you. This is pretty important, we all come from different mindsets. Here in the states if you are the kind of person who want drugs you go to a psychiatrist. If you don’t want drugs, you avoid them and seek therapists.
2) Don’t think that seeing them for an hour every week or two weeks is the work ! Thats only the groundwork. I like to always come in to a session and get feedback on how I am doing and leave with an assignment on how to proceed to work on my problem.
3) Unless your problem is life threatening don’t feel, that you have to keep going for months or years, though if insurance will pay, that could be great.
When I am in distress, I call it ‘crises mode’ , my counselor knows I will want to come in for two or three sessions over a months time and then get back to working on my own. Seeing her is how I deal with anything I am stuck on, including work related issues. Keeps me moving forward. I usually end up seeing her 2 – 8 times a year.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to find a person you find sympatico. If you are lucky enough to find one, they can be a guide for life.
Good luck ! Don’t be hard on yourself, these EUM/ Arseclowns do a number on plenty of women, and while the insanity of it is a bit frustrating, once you begin to see the insanity there is an out and much to learn from the whole process
Hey Christine,
To quote you:
“Christine April 13th, 2009, 1:32 am
It’s been six years and I still wonder what the hell happened. In the end, I didn’t want an explanation of what went wrong, I just wanted back the relationship that I thought I had. It turned out to be fantasy relationship and it was wonderful! I loved the way I felt about myself when I was with him. Over time I learned those positive feelings really lived in me – he didn’t give them to me. Assclown or good guy? Didn’t really matter. The guy is gone and he’s never coming back.”
I say kudos to you for realizing that the relationship you thought you had was really only your own making. i.e. In your head.
I would be curious to hear how you are doing. Keep strong. ts.
aphrogirl: I think that you gave the most insightful answer – for me anyway – as to how smart, and intellient women can get caught up with these men: I presumed that anyone who could verbalize that he was not happy but content was looking to get happy.
Big mistake on my part. He acknowledged that he wasn’t happy. If I had been content, but not happy, I sure as heck would have been working to improve my life to become happy. I learned a big lesson about projecting onto someone else. Don’t do it.
Sad, yes, ACs are. Thing is: My choice to get involved with him made me sad as well. Six months and one week of no contact. It does make me stronger everyday.
Hi Elizabeth,
Girl, it’s time to stop counting!!!
Gaynor: You are absolutely correct.
Just out of curiosity: How long should one mourn? grieve? Is there like a minimum time? A maximum time?
Elizabeth;
You wrote awhile back on this post : “I should be over him by now. … I never ever wanted anyone who didn’t want me. But, yet, here I am. My task is to heal me and figure out how I got hooked.”
I read that earlier today and knew we had been to the same hellish place. I even experienced the same metaphor..the clown in my life was a fishing guy and I felt like a fish that had been played with for a good long while and thrown back…with the line still on, just so he could to tug on it every so often.
Gaynor, that is what keeps women like us stuck..If you have never been “thrown back”, dissed like that, well it’s quite a shock, especially if you are older. I suppose thats why its hard to let it go, we can’t understand why someone would choose to act like that, we’re ‘re still trying to figure out why someone would choose to devalue like that.
And here is the answer and its also an answer to NML’s post.
There is NO understanding an assclown, They do not operate by conventional standards of decent behavior. You can struggle with it all you want but in the end, if you are a decent person you will NOT be able to understand the assclown, because you are not like him, thank the lord.
And that is how you tell if the one who “broke up with you” is an assclown. If the ending is cruel, confusing or unfathomable, if they lie, avoid, slink away, disappear… that is not the way a man does it, that is the MO of a clown.
I do like your cheerleading though Gaynor, sometimes you have to throw up your hands, admit there are things that will never make sense, and get on with the joy that is in life.
It is true assclowns have their own behaviour codes that seem to justify all their assclown behaviour…
“oh sex with her wasn’t planned” blergh right you have no self control just got to have what you want and when you want it no thought to doing the decent thing???
And it is also true they don’t seem to learn from their behaviour or grow from it just go on repeating it…
I also never realised how much thinking for you an assclown does.. I didn’t know he always knew what was best for me until recently nor did I know how his mo was the same on most of the women he has dated so made me also wake up to the fact I was nothing special.. makes me mad at me for ignoring most of what I should have already known…
Thank goodness for a friend last night after seeing a stupid “hollywood” movie .. I felt an overwhelming need to contact ex eum.. my friend not talking about my situation said guys always move on so much quicker than girls .. so fortunately she said enough for me to stay away.. I know already hollywood endings aren’t real…
Goodluck to all on this journey of self discovery and staying away from those assclowns nicely defined by aphrogirlb..
so how do you explain a guy, after amicably ending things because he fell out of love, says after few months that he misses you, but it’s his fault, and his sorry and that we stay friends? it’s the first time i’ve met this kind of ‘confused’ men and it drove me really insane. i’ve met a lot of men before, but never the type who are confused and undecided. is it my problem that i attract this kind of men lately?
Rinoa, I wish I could explain a guy like that. But confused men come in all forms. Maybe he is an assclown who had a moment of clarity which made him end it upfront and amicably. Maybe he is a generally good guy who is only momentarily confused. Who knows?
It doesn´t really matter in the end. What matters is that he can´t give you what you want, drove you insane and that you are better of without him in your life.
Hi, I realized that there is a Lisa here, and I am also lisa, so didn’t want to confuse anyone, and I want to vent a little.
Hey Elizabeth, I’m about 3 months plus a few into the no contact, and in the beginning, it felt like so horrible that how was I ever going to feel better or get over him, and now even still I miss him, but if I think back to that initial 6 weeks, I finally now know that I don’t feel that super sharp longing,non-stop hurting, agonizing and pining, “how am I ever going to get past this” feeling everyday anymore. But there are rough moments: I am a musician, and this Easter, I had to request to the contractor that I NEVER be placed on a job with this AC again. (I didn’t not call him an ass to the contractor). The contractor asked why, and I gave him the truth. So, this week was a big, painful one for me because it affected my life again and I had to make choices to stay away so I can continue healing. I thought about the guy ALL weekend, and it dredged up nostalgia, romantic feelings and most of all PAIN. So, I think it is sometimes the proverbial “2 steps forward, one step back” kind of healing at times. I’m pretty sure the guy must have found my you tube account, too, because all of a sudden my videos have all these hits where before they’d just get a few viewers (mostly just my kids, me and my dogs doing music…. yes, the dogs sing 🙂 He is willing to look at me over and over in videos, but not come to me and have a real relationship. He isn’t capable of it, and I tried to make him be. I tried to imagine a world where he and I were just being ourselves together in love with each other forever, but that was just my fantasy. I don’t fall in love very often… maybe once every 12 years or so if I averaged it out, so I wanted this one to turn out “real.”
Hang in there!
Elizabeth,
I don’t know what the timing should be but if we are still holding on to this and not progressing with our lives there is clearly a problem. Do we think they are still counting the days and mourning over us, No! Also, do you think your friends who handle relationships in a healthy way would they still be mourning over the loss of one of these fools, NO!!! (Actually, they would have never gotten involved with one of these guys)
Hon, we must remember that this site is meant for clarity and guidance in ones life, not to continually dwell on something that has long since past. (I’m not applying this to you, this is only a general statement)
Aphro
The same happened to me but I refuse to waste anymore time trying to figure out why my friend and lover treated me the way he did? Why?? It doesn’t matter, what will this bring??? The most important thing is that I NEVER get involved in a relationship of this nature again.
I suggest you go back and read the three-part posts on validation.
Elizabeth,
I’m confused? In one comment you had said it had been a year since the break and in the other it was six-months. I don’t understand?
Gaynor:
I finally walked away one year ago. There was contact 3 times after that, work related, but there has been absolutely no contact for six months, other than the, “Hello,” of introductions in meetings.
hi truthhurts,
thanks a lot. yeah, that pretty explains it. he didn’t really did something bad or awful, he just turned cold for a month after a fight then came upfront and told me he had fallen out of love. i guess i was shocked with the change of heart coz i believe love is more than those giddy feelings. but i really learned a lot.
Elisabeth – Lisa – Getting thrown aside without explanation is damaging…I mentioned earlier – I am a little more than three months out of the relationship that ended in the disappearing act…a phone call to plan a visit..how much he missed me and so forth…then gone. I am sure Gaynor will have something to say about this – but I can’t get angry about this for whatever reason – I do not know why. The sadness is different than what it was for the first two months after it ended. Today I realized I was sad (call it a pitty party, naive or whatever) because he could actually do that to someone like me…that he is living a shallow, broken life….but more sad that I really do not want to turn into a mistrusting, hard, cold woman…and most of all sad because I feel so humiliated. I really want to get angry but can’t…my friends think I am nuts…Now I am at the point that if I want to think about him…I think about his weakness and how more damaging that would be for me if he did not diss me. I have been trying to tell myself “he did you a favor”…some days it is more convincing than others…So when you beat yourself up for feeling like you should get through it…you need to give yourself a break. You have already beat the crap out of yourself in this relationship…don’t punish yourself for feeling the emotions you feel…just know the difference between wallowing as avoidance vs. an emotional moment. You know yourself well enough to know if your grieving is way out of hand…but also take into consideration you are also grieving over a part of yourself that is missing.
Kimba, you write
“….. I really do not want to turn into a mistrusting, hard, cold woman…and most of all sad because I feel so humiliated. I really want to get angry but can’t ”
dear I have not read all your posts to know how long its been, but I am in week three of NC with one who checked out on me, and it’s still like riding waves that are way over my skill level. I was OK week one and two, but this week I need to be here.
Somehow I know it gets better, because we are here taking action. Somehow I know we will not lose our will to love. I believe that because we we have seen AC behavior and find it so reprehensible, that we could not let ourselves become that way. Though i admit there are times when I blame the AC for stealing my joy.
But I know that is not true. Blaming him just keeps me from remembering that joy comes from inside of me. And giving love and joy to others brings me even greater joy.
One thing I have learned from this; love spreads more love BUT some people are not able to truly receive or give love and we need to recognize that sad fact when we see it and kindly move on so our love can act as the nurturing rain that it is.
Now, If you need something completely different to cry about, :-)) which is helping me deal with the cynical fallout from the AC..go watch the Susan Boyle u tube vid with & zillion hits again, it will open your heart. Sure makes me cry, though.
Aphrogirl–
Susan Boyle is The Bomb!
She has mother who is dying, no job (and no man/AC), advanced years for her dream career path…and the best spirit! God bless her! Made me feel like I was in the first grade again: very positive; with no fears or apprehensions about having limits put upon me.
These ACs, most act the way they do b/c they are taking out THEIR past miseries (or lack of “action”/booty with the women) with you and the rest of whomever they target. I used to think that the right woman could make them better, but no, that is not the case, based on what I am seeing around me.
The key is to get the hell out, go NC forever, and do your best to never regret your choice, no matter what happens to you in life. These people do NOT change, unless they PROACTIVELY (a la Boyle) make a point to change their lives!
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it’s a freaking DUCK! Actions speak louder than words. And don’t go with first impressions (again, a la Boyle). Good ones are quite easy to make, b/c impressions are made in a flash–that is why they are called impressions. Imprints, like pressing your hands in cement for 1 second..an impression that lasts forever. 🙂
kimba, I never got angry either and my friends could not understand that, they said: Why are you not getting mad at this a**hole it will make you feel better. No, it would not make me feel better, what made me feel better was understanding what happened to me and the role I played in that mess. No need to get angry for me, more important is not to do that again. Is he the only one to blame?
Don’t think so, it takes two to Tango, doesn’t it.
No to get off subject – I did see the clip of Susan Boyle a few nights ago…cried like a baby…proving I am so much more sensitive about everything right now.
This man looked at me and said what he wanted for us…told me he did not want to make mistakes with me…that he made mistakes in the past and wanted something great with me…(come to think of it that is a red flag isn’t it?) and continues on a path in that direction and then disappears. I know it takes two to tango but I kept my head together on this one…he kept telling me I had my guard up …so I worked on that and when I let it down – poof. I honestly think I was too much for him – and he just wants to skim the surface and jump around in shallow relationships. There is a possibility that ACs know what they should do but sabotage it…believe me I have been there.. Because he broke off with me certainly does not make him an AC…the manner in which he did it make him one. I really do hope someday I can get angry and replace the word clown with HOLE…but I really don’t know if I ever will! Used, Aphrogrl and astelle – Thank you so much for your responses…every experience or bit of advice you share is helpful more than you can imagine.
” I really do hope someday I can get angry and replace the word clown with HOLE…”
I don’t think I ever will because calling him a clown puts it in a compassionate way that I understand this. Clown is sad under the ” smile”, these guys are sad. The fact that we may be guarded at times, we all bring our flaws to every relationship, but we have compassion that would not let us act so cruel to another if we wanted to break it off.
They are clowns cause they are sad under any smiles you might get, they are sad because they self sabotage, they know it, No doubt that my AC flaked a bitt more everytime we got closer. They are clowns because they know this and don’t care enough to do the hard work to rise above it. Meanwhile the shock and damage they do to those of us who trusted and loved them…well it’s all right here.
Knowing others who have experienced this ( and others who have not experienced the disappearing act..emo and/ or physical, with someone they really loved, can not really understand our grief and our reactions. Abandonment like this is not the same as someone who breaks it off in a respectful way.
Yes, thanks everyone here because many of you have been just what I have been through, you understand my pain NML”s posts help us all help each other as we walk forward.
I could use some insight here…After what I have read on this site…and thinking of my own situation (In short – hot in pursuit at the beginning…complete gentleman…then hot and cold…then the disappearing act) I am asking myself some questions….Is there a difference between an AssClown and a ‘Playa’? An assclown may have not idea he is a noncommital AC with narcissistic tendencies – although there is no excuse for the terrible behavior these guys seem so damaged they talk themselves into being ‘right’ or talk themselves out of a relationship…..A player knowingly lies and betrays. I have been struggling with if I was played the entire time, he knew I had an expiration date and was not getting attached for that reason….OR….if he really believed he meant every word…but as the relationship progressed…he invented something in his head the talked himself ‘out of me’ and the relationship. On the surface the Playa and AC appear to be the same…Or are they? To me, a Playa may eventually change but an AC is an AC pretty much forever.
I’ve just come out of a 3 year relationship. To be honest I have no idea if he could be considered an AC, or if the real world became too much for him to handle. I don’t even know if he can be considered EU.
The guy I was with started out as the perfect gentleman. We had 6 months of pure bliss, to the point he said he felt we just clicked. He was living in a flat at the time, and after 4 months I’d been spending every night there. We would go for a walk to get meals, or go to the store to buy supplies then cook together.
During those 6 months we’d had 1 argument, that was it. Then we moved in together. Suddenly it all changed. He earned more than me therefore he expected me to do the lions share of housework, even though we shared the bills.
I spent my time doing the groceries. Not once in those 3 years did he come and help, or give suggestions for what he’d like for dinner. Not once in those 3 years did he even say so much as an I love you on valentines day.
When I had a tonsilectimy, he didn’t want to wait with me before I went in, even though I was scared. And when he picked me up, he waited in the car, while I shambled out with the help of a nurse because I was still dizzy.
I must add that he played a game hailed as the killer of relationships – World of Warcraft. He got me into it after our first 4 months. I said to him I didn’t want to be addicted, and I’d want to go out. He said that was cool, and it would be good that I drag him away from it too.
Over the last year, everything has just been escalating down hill. He said he loved me, said he wanted to buy a house with me.. but over the past year he hasn’t once wanted to go out, or do anything together, unless it was in game.
Then, after a string of fights, a discussion about kids in which he has one with an ex, and doesn’t want any more, but I do one day, he iniated a break up.
The worst part is that until I find a new place I’m still living with him. The breakup was not spiteful or nasty, we agreed to remain friends, but now he’s acting so nice.
Was I wrong to not be happy with the attention he did give me in a game? To not want to feel like a maid doing it all? Is it wrong to feel hurt that he’s being so nice to me now, to know that he’ll never call me babe, or kiss me, even though he came to the bed we shared for 3 years last night and put his arm around me?
Why would he do that if he doesn’t enjoy my company any more?
How have the rest of you managed being alone since? I can’t imagine being able to handle it.
I still can’t get over my guy. I thought he loved me. He used to say that I was stuck with hin to the end and I believed him. We were together 4 1/2 years. I helped him through a lot – too much to get into. He started to withdraw this summer and when I asked him he said no, nothing was wrong – but I knew there was. I found out he met someone(she approached him). I found out who she was and where she lives (he doesn’t know) and I drive by and she is still with him. What happened? I’m pretty, nice and loved him to death and he went with her. He would not answer my calls and he ran like a baby – why? It’s been almost a year and I still can’t get over this. I miss him like crazy and I hope he will call me, even though he hurt me so bad for no reason – What do I do??
I am 6 months out of a LTR (10 yrs) and still struggling. He has been dating for a few months and I stupidly held out hope that there was a chance for us. I held onto every possibility, reading into what he had said. But really, there is no chance. I am finding it so hard to accept. He wants to be friends. It hurts that he’s seeing someone. I haven’t been able to tell him that I can’t do friendship yet. I am trying to become strong enough to do it and stick to it. The attachment of being with someone for that long is hard to break. But accepting his crumbs of friendship isn’t good for me either. I hurt, I’m hurting, it f’ing hurts. Sometimes he misses me…why say that to me? I don’t think he has any idea how much it hurts. I can’t be friends just to please him or make him feel less guilty.
I am trying to let go a realtionship in which i was beaten. i was still telling myself i loved him and wanted us to work. now i am asking myself how and why did i stay in the relationship. why do i have low self esteem. this never happened to me before and i am really struggling with letting go and moving on i want to, but i miss him or the idea of a relationship so much,it just hurts. This all ahppened last month, but we have been together for 2 yrs. just reading this site is helping me but i really need to focus on getting on with my life.
@Brak K,
I very much like your advice to lisa, especially the bit about practising not thinking about him and pulling out the list of other things to think about and do.
That’s something I’ll be taking on to clear my head of Mr EU (et al). Thank you.
And Karen Thompson, I’m sorry you’re hurting too. It’s bad stuff, but it will pass and if you learn better now it won’t happen to you again.
Best Regards. Leonine.
Reading these stories is making me very sad, not for myself and my own experiences though yet AGAIN something else leaps out, he used to say in the early days that I had an escape hatch and could change my mind … ok now you’re stuck with me … and BINGO I think this was the thing that trapped me into it. The ILLUSION of being wanted the way I had always hoped for.
All his friends were either married or pairing off – I am finding myself worrying now “maybe it was all me?” and slapping myself back into reality. No. He wants that security and love, he just knows damned well that he can’t handle it. I am feeling some compassion for him now – it just isn’t translating into allowing myself to care again. Is it? I tell myself one thing but won’t be surprised if I wake up crying.
It is a bereavement process, it’s probably better if you don’t HAVE to see them (such as work) to think of them as dead. After all, if your dream man had been hit by a truck when still blowing hot and before he had shown his real self, you would have had no answers at all and would have been raging against a cruel world dealing such a blow. Be kind to yourself – they’re dead to you in terms of being the person you believed.
I think its a fair assessment that just because a guy breaks up with you … it doesn’t qualify him as an assclown.
There are various reasons why a guy could break up with you and at the end of the day it may be a more selfless act over anything else.
Like you say, relaitonships are two way streets. You have to give and take and the same happens with a break up.
I think the best thing with a breakup is to make a clean break and then go through the process.
Go through the pain, the hurt and be gentle with yourself. You can blame your boyfriend for breaking up with you … but its only going to delay the painful process
Hot Alpha Female
Your Go To Girl For Dating Advice
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I agree with Hot Alpha Female.
My last EUM (which I can proudly say I’ve recognized within 2 months) and I broke up mutually. I told him that I want to date other men because I want a healthy relationship and he told me that he wants to be strong like me and took my advice to seek therapy for all of his multi-baggages that he’s carrying.
This guy I do consider a wonderful guy. He had “dropped ” hints to me twice on why I should not be with him and that’s why I’m restarting therapy again. I want to understand why I didn’t take those red flags he graciously handed to me and run!
But not all guys who break up with us are ACs. Some are nice enough to do us favors. Sometimes, we don’t the favor until later on.