Relationships that have negative foundations, almost always generate negative equity. You will end up walking away with less than you started because as long as you engage in unhealthy relationships that erode your self esteem, reduce your trust, and keep you further away from relationships, you are losing out.
Return On Investment (ROI) within relationships refers to the ratio of what you’ve gained or lost against what you invested into the relationship. This is not about financial or material gain or loss. This is about The Three Es: Emotion, Esteem, and Energy. If you’re not generating a return on investment and at the very least breaking even, the balance of negativity is way out of whack and you are effectively throwing The Three Es at a bad investment that is not going to generate a return.
It’s very difficult for you to take the relationship out of negative equity – that rather uncomfortable place where your investment is now worth less than what it was when you started. You’ll effectively have to continue to pay out emotionally even though there is a deficit and this can be soul-destroying. If the market (your relationship) continues to decline, it can be very difficult to pull yourself out of the relationship black hole because you will struggle to know who you are or what you are personally worth, particularly because if you date emotionally unavailable people, you tend to derive your worth from them and whether you deem your interactions with them as a success or a failure.
With emotion it’s all about how you feel when you’re with them. If you end up feeling negative about yourself or you generally end up expending a lot of negative emotion, you’re doing structural damage and sending the value of your investment plummeting.
If your self-esteem ends up taking a knock or becoming non-existent, no matter what you (or they do for that matter) it could take YEARS before your investment manages to break even, nevermind actually generate a return.
We all need energy for our relationships. There are a lot of people with the misguided idea that relationships ‘happen’ but you both have to work at the relationship and no matter how much energy you invest into the relationship, if they don’t want to make the investment work, it becomes like trying to ride a bike with one peddle.
Breaking even gives you the bare minimum and that just tells you that you’re both doing just enough to keep things ticking over but neither of you are excelling. Either that or one of you is but the others input is so crap that it pulls the investment back to break even point.
This is not about clinical and saying “You owe me” but it is about being savvy enough to recognise when you are investing yourself and The Three E’s into something or someone that isn’t worthy of you. I recognise that sometimes we just want to have fun or don’t want to think too much about the future, but there are many women out there today who started out doing stuff just for the hell of it, just for the experience, and just to have fun, and somewhere along the line it took its toll and they don’t know who they are anymore and they have become very numb and engaging in dangerous relationships. Positive investment does bear fruit!
Oh and be careful of investing in a Fixer Upper as it is likely that it will be another woman who will bear the fruit of your labour!
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Nice new look.
I’m a little nervous when we apply financial terms when we’re talking about relationships.
Some of what you write here sounds a little like score-keeping to me — I’ve given him this, so where’s mine?
I believe in unconditional love … but not being a martyr. Where many women create problems for themselves is having unrealistic expectations of the relationship.
We give because we want to give, we love because we want to love, and hopefully we made a very mindful choice about whom we do for and love.
Kat, I totally understand where you are coming from however, if we were talking about people who are making mindful choices about their relationships, I wouldn’t be writing this post! It is far from being score keeping. At what point is someone entitled to say that they have given too much and not be made to feel bad about saying that they need to put themselves first? The context of this post is women investing themselves in relationships with men that really aren’t worthy of them and unfortunately there is a rather blurred and thin line between unconditional love and being a martyr. I’m not asking people to keep a scorecard. I’m suggesting that if you’re unhappy and you know that you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you need to evaluate your investment. If you’re happy, great, but then there’s no need for this article then…
I think I’d be willing to invest practically anything into a relationship in order to get pretty much any return. I’m not concerned about getting a fair return. I’d be happy with anything at all. With anyone at all.
I think what NML’s post is basically saying is this.
Equality and balance.
One person does not make a relationship work. There are times when one might ‘be overdrawn’ from the ‘bank’ but always ‘deposits’ back into it. It ebbs and flows (much like my income)…
But there always has to be balance.
Otherwise, you will be miserable in the end and end up with a partner that takes you for granted.
This bank talk scares me a bit too, but I understand the analogy.
A bit cold, yes, but well intentioned!
Yes, I get it and I understand the good intentions behind it. If one is giving advice, however, it’s good to know how one’s language is being perceived. (and know that I am writing this with good intentions, too; I like your writings).
As for “I’m suggesting that if you’re unhappy and you know that you’re in an unhealthy relationship,..” many women, sadly, don’t recognize their reality. He beats her or verbally abuses her or cheats on her or is never around or lies to her or gambles their money away or is an addict or alcoholic, and when she’s asked, “Why do you stay?” — her answer? “But I love him!”
Hmm, what exactly are we loving?
Anyway, good luck on the book. I’ve seen a lot of books that give women bad advice and don’t ask them to be accountable for their own actions — they just dump it all on the men. As the mom of a boy, I hope we can change that!
One more thought:
” You will end up walking away with less than you started …” Yes, but if you walk away with self-awareness that leads you to say, “I’ll never do that again,” you’ve reached the “Eureka!” moment.
Kat I loved your last point because that’s your epiphany moment. The difficulty is when you keep having those “eureka” moments but nothing really changes. I am glad I got some feedback on you about the language. My intention is not to be clinical but I will preface this in the book. I absolutely refuse to lay our relationship problems at the door of men. I have based this whole blog around being accountable for our actions because as long as we are waiting around for someone else to change, it’ll be a damn long wait. We are the only thing that we can control about our relationships.
Cheekie – It’s interesting because one of the reasons why I posted my thoughts on ROI was to find out reactions to it. I would be keen to hear what would make this message warmer without devaluing the essence of the statement because this is one of those things where you can’t afford to beat around the bush.
Harlan – I am so stunned by your comment that I don’t know what to say for once! Be careful of being willing to invest in anything just for the sake of it because you need someone who won’t take your efforts for granted and end up making you feel worse.
Hmmmm…well. I don’t think YOU were cold! I think it boils down to this…when it comes to matters of the heart (especially painful messages that we as women HATE to hear as we were taught to nurture and ‘put up’ with bs in our relationships) anything other than sweet, lovey dovey language can come off harsh.
kind of odd, yes, as we will ‘invest’ in our careers, kids, houses, wardrobe, cars, relationships with friends/colleagues/bosses/etc etc etc…but use that term with a relationship? eek. we think ‘oh but I LOOOOOOOOOOVVVE him…’
we want to think that it is pure true unadulterated love and chemistry.
fact of the matter is, and as a divorced single mom I know of what I speak, if you aren’t willing to ‘invest’ a lot of yourself into the relationship and have/expect the same, it really isn’t worth a rat’s arse.
🙂
On a personal note NML, those 3 “E’s” are exactly why I ended my marriage of 15 years. Unfortunatly for a very long time he had me convinced I was too needy and difficult until a marriage counselor told us both that what I wanted was not so unusual and is what most relationships are made of. He thought that he could ignore my needs/thoughts/wishes and buy me a fancy present on a holiday and I should be happy. After I was amazed at how many people, especially men, relayed to me that they though I was brave for leaving. I wish I had your blog when I got married when I could have set up my expectations from the beginning, but no one had computers then. 🙂
Thanks so much. I’ve turned to this blog in so many times of need! Just (finally) got out of a relationship with a completely emotionally unavailable man. Started out a confident, smart 26 year old just dating him for fun, and 4-years later I was an insecure, unhappy mess who was constantly being told how ‘needy’ i was. The saddest part is that now i’m with an AMAZING man who makes me feel wonderful, but still find myself drawn to the assclown, who, by the way, now says he’s been in counselling and changed. I turn to this blog whenever I need a wake-up call!
We all know when a guy is not bothered? When he says he will call and does”nt and we act like we dont care? but really deep down somewhere we do?
If someone says were pretty, beautfull, loving, we accept it for 2 mins and the usually forget, but if someone says were fat and ugly then we cry for hours, weeks, months.
This perception is the same way we perceive men, when they are nice, honest, loyal we are bored, no drama? It is all to easy, so why do we hold on to the arse holes we know we carnt have? wanting and wishing for them to love us? is it again early childhood? or are we just ambitious and want to suceed in hitting the target in that we will get them?
I hate all the crap that comes with fancying Mr unavailable, and I meet one every 3 months and I get hurt and I want it all to change but my tactics never work and it causes a hole in my head!!!!!