A couple of days back, I asked if you were ‘waiting, willing, hoping for ‘The One’ to enter your life?’. This was in response to various emails and comments from readers who are eager for ‘him’ to come along, or in some cases, downright impatient.
As I explained, whilst of course there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, it’s important not to lose perspective on things because the reality is there is that if you are recovering from being involved with an assclown or Mr Unavailable and losing sleep or brain time over when a guy who doesn’t yet exist yet is going to come along, you most definitely still have some work to do.
You may not be focused on a specific guy like you were before, but you’ve replaced a very real pain in the ass, with the illusion of what is to come in the future, which means you’re still not really focused on yourself, because men are still central to your wellbeing, and well…we all know where that gets you.
Let’s remind ourselves of a few things:
We’ve actively sought out men and ‘love’ before and found ourselves in all sorts of dubious situations – why do you think that doing a variation of the same thing, even with some new found knowledge and perspective will make a difference?
You have been choosing men and relationships that reflect what you believe about yourself, love, and relationships. When this has been negative, this has yielded negative results. Can you genuinely say that you have come so far forward that you’re ready for a relationship?
Emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailables) get involved with emotionally unavailable women (Miss Unavailable or ‘Fallback Girls’). It plays out in different ways, but let’s call a spade a spade. If you still have issues that have led to you previous relationship habits, you are not ready to date, or you’re certainly not ready to be in a relationship.
Which brings me neatly to…
Despite the fact that stepping back and being focused on you so that you can have a clear head and deal with whatever issues have been holding you back, the great majority of women in this situation just do not be able to reconcile themselves to giving up dating, even for a month, nevermind the ideal 3-6 months that I recommend.
It takes several knocks and mishaps before many of them recognise that they just aren’t ready yet.
What you don’t realise is that by continuing to date, you may be prolonging some issues, even if you deal with others. You may be reopening wounds that have just started healing.
The people who are capable of dating and pushing forward at the same time, are the people who have enough awareness to recognise that there will eff ups and that if they enforce boundaries, recognise red flags and act on their judgement, they actually stand to learn a lot.
For these people, riding the rough with the smooth ends up being a confidence builder and they turn even the negative experiences into positive reminders that at least they ‘escaped’ and apply the lesson.
Remember, at some point, you will date again and you have to apply your knowledge and learn to trust your gut and instincts. You don’t step out of the tunnel, into the light, and there’s a prince on a white horse waiting for you.
The people who are not capable of dating and healing at the same time, are the ones that get fairly easily knocked and lose perspective of the actual amount of time they have been healing.
For these people, riding the rough with the smooth makes them feel nostalgic for the ex assclown or makes them wonder if it’s worth it, and if you’re in this camp, you are not ready to date yet, nevermind be in a relationship.
In essence, some can learn as they go, others need a bit more time; the key is that you need to be able to recognise which one you are and apply your judgement for the best medium and long term effects.
Let’s be real, a 3-6 month break from dating is not exactly a killer. If you can do a crappy relationship for longer, why can’t you take some dedicated you time for a short period?
Unless you need validation in the form of attention.
Yep, attention and validation are back again.
You may not be able to get validation from the chumps in your past, but that may not stop you from seeking out validation in the form of male attention and feeling that there is a possibility of a relationship on the horizon.
The thing is, if you’re not far enough along the healing route, you’ll just end up feeling invalidated if he’s not all you thought he would be.
If you need attention on the regular from men, especially from ‘unknowns’, and you can’t cope with the idea of your own company and the social company of family and friends for a few months, you need to start asking yourself why you are dating.
Remember desperation and loneliness, even if it is subtle, are assclown drawers.
One of the things I’ve definitely noticed is that for a quick fix, readers are going down the dating site route. Now I don’t date that there is the needle in the haystack of some decent prospects, but the reality is that using dating sites when you have some pretty important issues to work on, is like throwing yourself into a pool full of assclown and Mr Unavailable sharks and wondering why they tore a chunk off your leg….
I’ve talked before about the negative impacts of men using email/text messaging/IM as primary forms of contact, and I’ve made no secret of my dislike of online dating
and (here, here, and here)and it’s mainly because if there are quality men on these dating sites, they’re certainly hiding their light under a bushel of liars and cheats…
Right now, you need to keep things simple. Right now, you need to invest in you and stop chasing penis tail, because if you don’t, you’ll be getting the next train to Assclownville because you’re still treating men like the focal point of your life and giving men that don’t deserve your time, nevermind your pain and attention, waaay too much power to impact on your success.
So, if you know you’re not far enough down the path of healing, and you know that you could be derailed easily, ask yourself again, “Why am I still dating?”
Your thoughts?
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This is very timely. I just stopped dating someone because I could tell it wasn’t going to work out. He seemed to take it well, but then he started sending me some really psycho emails. I think I need to take a break. I know I haven’t healed yet and this guy just confirms it. I actually think 3 or 6 months won’t be enough. I hope it is.
I can understand this very well in theory. All I know is I still feel lonely.
That there are sometimes 6 months or more that go by without a single date. That I obviously am not healed by my issues because each new disappointment DOES knock me back instead of validating me.
I just don’t know how to pretend I don’t want what feels like food to me – being loved.
I don’t love myself enough to feel loved. I just feel like I’m not in jeopardy anymore… It’s a fragile stability, not a “who cares” one.
It’s easy to say men don’t matter when you have one after the other beating your door down to date you. It’s harder to say that with a straight face when it’s virtually impossible to meet one who wants to date me at all.
And I agree on-line dating sucks.
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I would have to agree with Loving Annie. I think age has a lot to do with it also. The older we get, the less time we have to actually find love. It’s hard not to feel pressured by that…I have been single and alone for a long time, and I know I can be fulfilled without a man in my life–what I don’t know is if I can actually have a healthy, reciprocal relationship with a man, and I would really like to experience that before my life is over. Some days I feel like I am ready–other days I don’t, so I guess I still have some work to do!
I think I’m really ready to admit this very thing. Last night I found myself slipping back into some of my old bad Ms. Fallback habits of trying to get validation from strangers. I’ve been going out on dates and I’ve honestly been disappointed by the results to the point that they have been setbacks. I am not really ready to get back out there yet. I think I got some confidence in myself and felt that it was time to dive right back in, but it really hasn’t been long enough, and I haven’t been loving myself long enough to really be able to say that I can cut it in a relationship yet. It’s time to go back to the drawing board so to speak and keep learning to love myself and move forward. The difference is now I recognize what sets me off and what flips these triggers but I’ve been allowing a sense of loneliness to quietly drive my push to date lately too. Much more work to do.
Wow, in your face, appreciated honesty. I needed to hear it. I have not dated in 6 months. I am getting me together.
Thanks again, NML.
I was gently pushed into going out w/a guy by my well-meaning sister. Totally nice guy, but I’m not at all ready yet. Over a month of NC and I’m still riding an emotional roller-coaster. I put so much time, thought, attention, love – whatever – into the “thing” with the Assclown, that I dont know what to do with myself now.
I get bored … I think of him. I get lonely … I think of him. It is a habit, an addiction – whatever you want to call it – but i’m so not healthy inside. For me to even consider wanting that man back after the way he treated me – after the way he made me feel on a daily basis, is insane.
Being quiet and sitting with myself is new for me and a struggle every day. BUT, I will say that I’ve healed enough to know that there is no Panic-Mode for me right now. I dont “have” to do anything on any time-table. I want to find some peace and that’s all. Hopefully the rest will follow.
So Natalie, keep writing – every word counts and I am so grateful, I wish I could hug your neck and cry (of course).
annied
I’m still healing from my break up. I have no contact with my ex, and I’m not dating whatsoever, but I’m learning about the beauty that exists within me. Mr. Unavailable a.k.a. assclown attempted to destroy this beauty, but he failed. He failed because I let go of him and chose to discover happiness from a place called ‘Me, Myself, and I Island’. As I continue this journey of discovery, I’m learning that ‘the one’ should only enhance the love I feel for myself, instead of adamantly working on reducing it.
Loving Annie……I hear ya. When people are in their twenties and thirties they usually have lots of dating options. The older we get the harder it is to find men that are available, datable guys. After I broke it off with my xEUM, I tried on-line dating. It totally sucked because as NML says it’s loaded with Mr. EUMs. But I was lonely and used to being in a relationship so I wanted to make that connection. I decided to stop because I hadn’t finished healing from the grief of my EUM relationship.
I’m working on me and try to keep myself busy but I miss having a man in my life. For me it’s very hard to meet men if you don’t uise on-line dating. I’m not religious, so I don’t have church groups as an option, I don’t hang in bars, or lurk in grocery stores looking for Mr. Right. I was married most of my life. I’ve been divorced for five years. My xhusband and I had a large social network of friends. After my divorce, I lost many of our “friends” because they were his friends also, people have a tendency to take sides when there’s a break up.
So I understand everything you’re saying. I’m working on myself. It’s been five months since I broke it off with my xEUM and I had a few relapses. Mostly because I was lonely and he was familiar. I’m in therapy now working on grief issues and trying to move on. I actually hate those two words “move on”. It sounds like there is something wrong with us if we have a hard time letting go. Everyone has there own pace.
I think for each stage of our life it’s very different. I read an article the other day that said that younger women feel more attractive or hotter then they really may be because there is an abundance of men that want to date them. Somewhere around a woman’s thirties that all changes and there are less available men the older we get. As for men, when they hit their forties and fifties they become more desirable because they are in more demand. More available women to chose from. Also the societal pressures for men to marry and commit have pretty much been erased. In the fifties and sixties men felt pressure to marry early. Society frowned on people “hooking up” or living together. If men wanted sex they usually had to marry to get it and just dealt with their commitment issues inside the marriage. Today a man doesn’t have to marry or commit. The commitment phobic guy can now stay single forever or at least until he gets sick of being a serial dater. This may not happen until he is well into his fifties or even sixties.
I remember what it was like in my twenties and thirties. Even though I was married I still felt very desirable. Not saying I don’t now but men aren’t beating down my door in droves to date me and the options of meeting them are fairly limited. I think that can be a big reason why women stay in EUM relationships, because they wonder if they’ll have another chance at love. Even if the relationship is less then perfect they stay because they’re tired of being alone.
I’ve always believed in taking very long breaks in between relationships (not that I’ve had a whole bunch in the first place). I’ve gone as long as almost 5 years in between relationships recently. I’m glad to know that NML recommended at least 3-6 months because when I’ve told people how long it’s been since I’ve been with someone, they tell me that I NEED a man or NEED some d–k.
Give me a break. Then those same men and women wonder why they have so much drama, jumping from person to person.
I have a very stressful job. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna experience bullshit and stress and drama in a relationship. Therefore, I believe in very long breaks. Saves a lot of energy and time.
Forgot to mention – never did online dating and probably never will. The stories I’ve heard have been quite ghastly. But to each her own.
I think in my case I made the mistake of getting rid off one ass clown taking a years break from dating only to get back in with another ass clown because I did not work on me .. did not look at patterns etc. etc. didn’t really do any foundation work like knocking them down and re building them.. so now I realize I just swapped ass clown traits.. but end result still dating an ass clown.. so this time I’m trying to make my break more productive..ie working on me..
How do you ladies handle going weeks/months of no contact and then, bang – they contact you again. I’ve been on NC for almost 2 months and was doing fine… going out with friends, making plans, just basically resolving myself to the fact that it was FINALLY OVER. And then, the late might text messages came from him… I didn’t answer any of them, but the fact that he still contacted me seems to have set me back a bit. It’s damn frustrating – he ends it and yet he still contacts me.
any advice ladies??? I’ve read the posts from NML, but I haven’t posted in awhile and I guess some support from the “been there, dont that” crowd would really help.
Chloe,
What did your brother say? I think he will set you straight very quickly!
I heard from mine (e-mail) several months following the breakup, and I ignored the communication-I know this man has nothing to offer me, so why respond to the contact. I think the fact that this man contacted you by text says a great deal, if someone really cares they do whatever is necessary to have you in their lives. Honey, this guy has shown you his true colors repeatedly, he’s not going to change!
Gaynor,
God please, I can hear my bother ranting endlessly to me about this. I already know the guy is no good – at least for me. It’s the fact that he actually thinks I would reply to him that still sets me back a bit. I guess i am still invested in this “relationship” more than I thought. I just needed to vent, thanks!!
Chloe,
That’s what we’re here for.
Unfortunately, they know our previous behavior, that’s why they contact again. Stick to the NC!! You deserve better than this worthless creep!!!
Hmm, NML is really psychic, don’t y’all think?
I have started dating, yesterday was month 4 of NC. But I sure do wonder if I’m ready, whether I’m over the 6 year relationship with the EUM (not), and what to do about these two guys that are totally available and treating me really well. If I was healed, the answer to that would be very simple. I’ve been very honest with them and both of them have been in the same situation and are very understanding.
My therapist actually said that it takes about a whole year to heal from a LTR breakup. She explained it like this: “Oh THIS is what it feels like to be without my ex at this time of year, oh THIS is how it feels to be without him at this holiday,” and so forth. Especially if you have been with someone a long time, you have to tick off all the holidays and birthdays and anniversaries, before you really understand that those special days…are now special in a different way.
I feels like all the hard work I’ve done on me has been shaken. I think, “ok he was probably dumped by the latest girl, so he figures he can come back to me until another comes along.” I get angry but I still think why can’t make an effort with me?” It sucks to be pissed off and hurt – both at the same time.
I’d like to get to that place where I can laugh when I hear from him and think “yep, total asshole.” I’m just not sure at this point if that will ever happen.
Chloe
So he is still texting you? I wish I could say I can’t believe it, but I always knew he would find his was back around – to treating you like crap again. I’m happy you haven’t responded and I can tell you that no matter how much he told you that he needed to make some changes in his life – none of those changes have happened. I can assure you that he’s still the “wasted, get high/drunk all the time” creep he was with you.
I have to remind you to really think about what you are missing now that you aren’t with him? You know it wasn’t a “normal” relationship and you know that when you were with him it never felt right. You have to remember that whenever you start to feel sorry for yourself because that is what you’re doing right now. I know hearing from him doesn’t make it any easier, but he’s still an ass to you and he will always be that way to you…. but his behavior is no longer your problem. It’s just going to take you longer to believe that then you thought.
Chloe……This happened to me many times during NC. He would call, send txt messages. Sometimes over and over for weeks. I did have a few set backs when I actually answered the phone but it’s NOT WORTH IT. In my case, he has not changed, he just wanted his ego stroke. Yeah it was great to hear his voice again but that alone is so not worth breaking NC. These men are such manipulators. It’s like NML says, they can almost sense when you’re moving on, then they pounce back into your life. Just try to ignore him or block his number. Nothing and I mean nothing good is going to come out of talking to this person that caused you so much pain and grief.
When we do NC we have to really mean it. I know that now. You don’t want to be put in the “friend zone”, which is where they like to put you so they can come back and mess with your life anytime they want. I think they are like wolves in sheeps clothing but then that would be an insult to wolves.
Kick him to the curb.
Myalmost
Thank you… I know you’re right (just like everyone else on this site) about the NC. I haven’t answered any texts but I felt like sending one that said “please leave me alone” but then that would be breaking NC.
sorry, one more comment.
His contact has pushed me back to the point where I was constantly checking my phone for calls or texts. Just wish he would leave me the hell alone.
Chloe,
Why don’t you change your number????
Gaynor and MyAlmost
I wish I could tell you some of the crap this guy did to my sister…but it’s not my place to talk about her relationship and I’m sure you have your own war stories to tell. I watched her go from a secure, fun and outgoing person to someone who thinks she’s not worth much. Her dealings with this guy have really opened my eyes to how some men’s bad behavior can really affect a woman.
My sister knows she’s nowhere near ready to date… I just hope she doesn’t completely give up on being happy.
Hi Chloe,
I had stuck to NC for over 2 months when the guy showed up at my kid’s play…. like you, I started thinking about him too much even though I didn’t want to. I sent a “thank you for attending the play” note, but please leave me alone. (His e-mail address blocked and has been for a long time). He created a new address and sent me a way too personal note, I blocked THAT address and said “leave me alone.” He created another e-mail address and sent me a sort of irrate e-mail, and I wrote back “if you ever contact me again, I will have my friend who is a sherriff, come and pay you a visit” (and I copied the e-mail to the sherriff guy (whose address I really don’t know, but I made one up so that the EUM would think I sent it to a sherrif). It worked. He has left me alone. If you start thinking about the guy in a “I wish this could work, maybe I’ll give it one more try kind of way,” let me tell you, they NEVER change. You will get hurt again. You are wise not to respond. I hope I can be that way from now forward! You have a great brother for him to be looking out for you.
Chloe–I recently made the bad decision to respond to the 5th love, miss you, and we should be together text message that the MM sent me after 6 weeks of NC. Trust me, don’t respond. Just getting them brought him back into my mind and responding brought him back into my life. Now he calls me at work again knowing I have no caller ID there. One little response gave him the oportunity to put his foot in the door. Two steps forward, one step back.
Gaynor
I went through the whole “change my number” thing 3 times over the last 5 years. The problem is that we have “mutual friends” that have given him the number in the past. After this last “ending” a few of what I thought were my “friends” decided that they could no longer be friends with me and him – so they chose him. Someone on another post made the great point that these men seem to move on effortlessly – like nothing ever happened.
Chloe,
Change your number and instruct your friends not to give it out.
Great post and this question is for Mike if he is still reading.
Why do these guys tell us that they don’t want a relationship – for whatever reason – then leave us alone for awhile, and then start communicating again? Other than the obvious reasons as 1) they are lonely, 2) recently dumped themselves, 3) lazy, etc., just explain to me in guys terms why they do it? Don’t they even realize that they are causing the same issues that were there the first go around? And, how can a woman not help but wonder if this time they have changed?
Katie …
I think that guys that do that sort of thing really don’t know what they want. They think that if they commit to you, that they are “settling” and possibly missing out on something better (usually created in their own mind). These types of guys realize at some point that maybe they aren’t as “great a catch” as they thought, since the “ideal” woman seems to keep eluding them, so they “come back” to you – probably knowing that you did indeed treat them well, but they wanted that treatment from someone else.
Some of you may disagree with this, but I think these guys usually come back to the 1 person that treated them the best – which is probably the person that they treated the worst. Somewhere in their head they know that you are a good person and that’s why they continue to gravitate back to you.
If you were with a guy that always made you feel like you were creating the issues, blaming you for the problems, etc., more than likely he knows that he’s the one that’s really to blame but he’d rather get out than change anything.
Katie…. just remember that past performance is a good indicator of how this guy would treat you in the future. I said before on this site that men only change when they want to. What you don’t have to do is put up with him drifting in and out of your life. Believe me, he knows that you care about him which is why he comes back – but it’s at his leisure. Just remember that when it mattered to YOU, he couldn’t be bothered to understand how you were feeling… that should be the thought that runs through you’re head the next time you hear from him.
Katie, whomever he/they are, he/they have told you they don’t want a relationship, I would tend to believe them. So why stay in a relationship with someone that doesn’t want one and keep taking back a guy that doesn’t want a relationship with you? I would lean toward the reason being you have become the “Fallback Girl” which Natalie extensively defines, over and over again. I have read it so many times I might be able to recite it by heart.
Katie, Mike is dead on, unfortunately it doesn’t really matter the reasons why these guys keep coming back, what matters is that we don’t let them back through the door. They treated us like crap when they were with us, and when they come back they’re just bring more crap with them. Think of it that way. You took out the garbage, but it keeps coming back in with him. Eventually you will get tired of taking out the trash all the time and decided to put him out so that the trash doesn’t keep coming back too.
It is comments like the one I heard today, that make be lonely and feel as if I NEED to be in relationship although I am committed to ME. This woman that I was talking with today, made a comment that “she sure was happy that she is not single and in the dating world, because it is so, so hard and she has a man who loves her since she is married.” Well I was married too a long time ago and yet it wasn’t my dream that my marriage would end.
My XEUM just contacted me yesterday. Left me a vm at work stating something along the lines that I must be mad at him because I haven’t returned any calls, or emails, or text msgs. That obviously he would like to be friends and that he’s available to talk whenever I get over being mad at him.
This made me laugh. The reason is that I never said I was mad, I just went NC. Period. So as usual the problem is with me and not him. This is exactly why I emposed the NCR in the first place he just didn’t get it. He never took responsibility for his actions, or how he treated me, or had the slightest clue about my feelings. And as all these posts have said over the last 6 months of me reading them. Men will not change….unless they want to. Here is a perfect example.
Before finding NML’s site I would have thought all his lame attempts to contact me actually meant he cared about me and wanted to change. Now, I’m more educated and realize that his contact means absolutely JACK SH*T. It’s about him (ego stroke), has always been about him (ego stroke) and will always be about him (more ego stroking).
Chloe ~ don’t let that guy drag you down or feel meloncholy over times past. As Mike keeps reminding all of us… the way he treated you in the past is very much how you will be treated now and in the future. You deserve so much better than that!
Wow, better, I couldn’t have said it Better. They have tunnel vision and will keep on doing what we have taught them we will put up with. Until we stop.
I just love how you throw it out there, no pussyfooting around…straight and to the point.
Another great article.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..Is Your "Attraction Radar" Broken?
It’s an odd but good coincidence that NML’s articles lately seem to be tracking along where I am in the recovery process. NC for almost 3 months now, and the way I did it was after the last breakup (he ditched me for, in his eyes, the next better thing), was the next day I blocked his number. Something inside me was so hurt by what happened, I remember that pain, and remember thinking “I never want to feel this way again.” So, if he has tried to contact me these last 3 months, I have no clue, and don’t care.
I’m telling you, if you can, I highly recommend blocking numbers, changing numbers, blocking emails, whatever – in order to stop the EUM’s ability to contact. It will only hender the healing process. It’s a blessing that starting this year my insurance pays for therapy, and I’ve not been dating, and seeing a therapist, and wow has it been difficult but so helpful to me. I realize my pattern was to jump into another EUM relationship, didn’t matter is it had been 1 month or 1 year since last BF, since I didn’t work on my own issues, I was just repeating and dating the same assclowns over and over.
I had the opportunity to be set up on a date this week, and just didn’t want to do it – feel it’s not right for me yet. From my experience, make it so your ex-EUM doesn’t have any option to contact you, and it’s a big step to healing. Love to all, thanks to NML for such a timely article.
Excellent post.
I wish I had some better female role models in my life. It seems that all the women I know are way too uncomfortable being single- and so if they are, they still have side action and drama with men happening here and there to satisfy their need for validation.
I have been single a couple years and was involved with an EUM for about a year during that time. And, for the record, I met him online for all the wrong reasons, as discussed in the article. I’ve not contacted him for 3 months, and haven’t heard from him for the last 2- I think his radar is still telling him that I’d be available were he to make the slightest effort to turn on the heat. And, depending on the day, it may be true.
Anyway, this article is a good reminder of the work I’ve done and the importance of being good to myself, which for me, probably means not dating for quite a while longer. And since I am not a believer in timeframes, it’s probably just gonna take as long as it takes. Because I know better, there is no excuse to engage in these types of relationships.
Furthermore, I truely agree that if you think you need someone else to be happy (or make a man central to your wellbeing- well put), you never will be, even if you end up in a relationship with a decent man (or woman). The hard truth is that we create our own happiness.
Thanks for the post NML!
Another interesting conicidence.
I have a new client who recently broke up with her latest boyfriend. Now he’s taken to texting her AND HER 10 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. How sick is that?
Unfortunately, she is so battered and broken from all kinds of abuse that she is texting him back. She said she’s used to this, doesn’t know any other way to live. Sad.
I’m hoping that through working with her, I can slowly get her to understand that he’s an assclown.
Oh, and this guy I used to talk to (I mentioned him in another post) texted me a few days ago asking if we’re officially enemies. I laughed and ignored the text. He really needs to give it up.
I am encouraged by all the posts here. Not only do I not feel so “alone” but feel a bit validated as well. Mike really hit the nail on the head when he said this:
“These types of guys realize at some point that maybe they aren’t as “great a catch†as they thought, since the “ideal†woman seems to keep eluding them, so they “come back†to you – probably knowing that you did indeed treat them well…”
Exactly. Not that they really want you for you… remember they are EU and lazy – my ex, at least.
So sure as s–t, the AC is hoovering again but this time using a different tactic, b/c I am not putty in his hands like i used to be. This time he’s acting like the wounded party – even going so far as to tell people at work how “mean” I’ve been to him lately. gimmeabreak!! If they only knew …
I know this guy really doesnt want me. I know we are not right for each other. I have no hope of anything ever coming from being with him. He has never, ever been clear about his feelings about me UNTIL he is breaking up with me. Nothing vague about that.
Funny, he has no problem telling me he doesnt love me. Only has problems telling me he does (even when he claims to). Says it all, doesnt it?
NML,
You ask, if you are anxious for a date or a partner, are you dating? I think one additional risk, is that if you haven’t dealt with your issues you want to believe that there was happiness to be found in what you did before. Maybe you found your EUM in a particular bar, or his was of some particular profession, so you avoid that bar or that profession.
When the reality is, if you are finding EUM’s in a particular bar, you likely need to stop going to bars. If the thought of giving up bars, or other customary entertainment, is unacceptable, then you may still be attracting EUM’s.
If we want to break the habit of being or attracting emotionally unavailables, we have to learn a new way of living. That means some of our past haunts, entertainments, goals, etc. are going to be left behind. If we can’t face and evaluate our choices, and identify the choices that cause us problems – and leave them behind – we won’t be ready for a healthier relationship.
“It’s easy to say men don’t matter when you have one after the other beating your door down to date you. It’s harder to say that with a straight face when it’s virtually impossible to meet one who wants to date me at all.”
from Loving Annie above. I agree with this. And there are plenty of women that don’t love themselves and get dates all the times. That get married, that get loads of friends and boyfriends and what have you. It’s easy to say “just focus on you” when enough people also focus on you as well, even if it’s temporary.
And this is speaking from an almost 2 year dry spell and before that barely enough dating invitations to fill both hands. I have had a couple long relationships, but not enough to actually balance out the no relationship time and the lack of dates then. I guess this is meant to apply to serial monogamists or something? I just found this blog, and have so far agreed with and enjoyed it a lot. Then I saw this and was disappointed.
“Just give yourself a break to find you and don’t date for a while.” I know me, men rarely want to. It’s not necessarily just a matter of impatience. Wanting kids and a family and a romantic relationship is pretty natural. When you’ve come to this conclusion on your own and not just from familial pressuring or something it’s even harder to deal with not getting it because in no way is it something you can attain purely on your own. It’s not a skill to learn, it’s not based on physical or mental training, accrued experience or anything like a career promotion. It’s also to a degree a biological thing and denying the fact you’re a social creature that wants to reproduce is pretty difficult.
So what then? What about when you almost never get male attention that you do want (and that is natural to want) despite doing all “find you and what makes you happy” things anyway? Stay alone? Deal with it? Being happy on your own is easier when people make it known they want you. Having the choice is part of the happiness.
“I think for each stage of our life it’s very different. I read an article the other day that said that younger women feel more attractive or hotter then they really may be because there is an abundance of men that want to date them. Somewhere around a woman’s thirties that all changes and there are less available men the older we get.”
NO. God NO. It sucks in your 20s too. Where I am and most of where I’ve been, unless you seriously fit into at least one crowd at one bar, or are a trendy, barhopping standard 20-something year old, it is just as difficult to meet men. If you don’t have a large social circle or don’t fit in with people your age and do what you are expected to do, then being in your 20s makes no difference at all.
just k,
I think the point is – that you really, really do *not* want to meet any of the guys hanging out with crowds at bars. Any crowd, any bar.
You need to make some friends, friends not connected to the “in” crowd. Good friends. Which means you need to chat with many people, and be ready to respond quickly and honestly to those that would be good, honorable, respectful people to know – people who will be good role models for honesty, character, and graciousness. Focus on living, on working, be active in your community. When the talk turns to guys or men, just listen to what others have to say. Learn how disciplined, responsible people feel about things. Let these friends know you want to meet a dependable, honest man.
Keep your eyes open all the time. Someone ahead of you in line at the grocery store (or the clerk!), a restaurant, or a book store might be interesting to know.
If you find someone that “clicks”, that makes it seem like you have known him for years, when you just met – is likely experienced at winning bedmates. That is, likely to be real trouble. A guy experienced at winning bedmates is going to *continue* winning new bedmates. Really. That is, a high risk for loyalty, for discipline, or for honesty.
Luck!
Brad K – “I think the point is – that you really, really do *not* want to meet any of the guys hanging out with crowds at bars. Any crowd, any bar.”
I do understand that. And I do understand the advice you give and I assume it works for most people because it seems to stand under “tried and true” as so many people say that exact same thing. It sadly does not work for me. I’ve never really had that “just clicks” experience at least not in terms of dating, friendship maybe. And as I get older, making friends, regardless of involvement in the outside world, seems more and more difficult.
The next bit of advice is usually to be more positive. I find this comes from people who don’t have much difficulty in forming either friendships or romantic relationships (and never have had it significantly). Feeling so disconnected from others and being so overlooked is not something most people consciously choose. It’s certainly not something I’ve consciously chosen. It’s also one of those things that snowballs into bigger problems as it remains unresolved. Especially when there are continual attempts to work on it.
Maybe what I’m trying to say is, the difficulty some people have in getting ANYONE to reciprocate attention shouldn’t be dismissed. I do think the writer(s) of this blog are spot on about these subjects. It’s very much common sense and good advice. However, I also think that apparently this advice is mostly for people who jump from one bad relationship to another, as opposed failing to start them at all. Being single is just a status quo for me and that is depressing in and of itself. Being reminded that the disconnected sense of loneliness is something to just get over and distract myself from is even worse.
I know you mean well. I know I’ve now outed myself as a pessimist. But I also know that even if you go out, even if you pursue many interests, if you’re active in your community, if you take classes and interact with lots of people, if you participate in life and general and are normal in most senses of the word, that you may still be completely unable to form lasting friendships let alone decent romantic attachments. And that hurts. Feeling unwanted, consistently, hurts.
I just don’t think the fact that being single as a choice should be seen in the same light as single by, I don’t know, circumstance I guess. The first can be empowering, the second can be demoralizing. That was what I was trying to say in apparently the most long-winded way possible.
@Just K I’ve read several of your comments and you clearly feel you have all the answers and basically nothing suggested resonates in any positive way with you. Each comment and each post, you have a negative comeback and it’s not because I’m choosing to see it that way; it’s just how it is. So I am asking you, if you have a comeback to all of this, what do you feel is the best way to handle this? Are you looking to change, are you looking to be different, are you even wanting to try, because what I keep seeing is that you are right, this is how you feel, this is how it is, and you are resigned to it?
just k,
How about that: fake it till you make it, that is — pretend that you choose to be single, alone, out of your own free will? For the next month or two – you have nothing to lose! Pretend not to the others, but to yourself. Try to convince yourself that you actually have control over what happens in your life. Turn this into a daily exercise for a few weeks — and then see what happens… Maybe you will realise that you can actually take control over things for real.
@NML
You’re the blog owner yes? These are the only comments I’ve posted, so including this one that’s four total. If there’s another non-member posting with “just k” I was unaware. I don’t know how that amounts to several or it became as if I’d just thrown a ton of attacks on this topic or any other on this blog. I already stated I’m a pessimist. So I’m unsure why the part “you have a negative comeback and it’s not because I’m choosing to see it that way; it’s just how it is.” was even necessary.
Actually I’ll just start with, I’m confused I was unaware three comments on one post counted as several. That is blowing my mind right now. I clearly stated I was a pessimist. I do realize that. I also clearly stated that this advice is actually pretty good and that I assumed it worked for most people. I’m not one of them. I’m really just not. Is everyone in your world an extrovert? Are none of them shy? Are all of them great at striking up conversation? Are all of them equally beautiful in their own ways? Are all of them obviously ok besides the part where they date “assclowns”?
Everyone isn’t the same. That’s what I was trying to say. Strangely, advice like I’ve just gotten, I’ve given. Because I know it works for most people. It does not work for everyone. It does not work for me. I don’t have a naturally close knit family. As an atheistic agnostic I don’t have a church group. Most of the things I like to do aren’t group activities.
That got cut off. Thank you accidental tab. I don’t know what the best way to handle this is. I wasn’t even looking for more of the same advice, which again I’ll say, works for most people. It’s not like I don’t realize that, but why don’t you realize that yes, some people can try many many many solutions to problems and be unable to find one for a very long time, including what was just suggested. So I guess the only advice I have is don’t assume what works for you works for everyone. Even if it’s good, solid advice, it does not necessarily apply. You ignored the fact I complimented your advice which was pretty negative of you.
And that’s the last negative comment you will receive from me. I promise I won’t come back.
@Just K I think you misunderstand me. The fact that you use the word ‘pessimism’ and I use the word negative is like splitting hairs. This is nothing to do with my advice. You don’t have to agree with it or take it and at no point did I write that everyone had to agree, that you had to agree, or that it is perfect. I don’t think *anything* I suggest is the only solution – I don’t have solutions for everyone on the planet and I *clearly* don’t for you. That is OK. What I asked was a direct question to you asking what *your* suggestions are. It is different strokes for different folks. I have spoken to people who are incredibly shy to people who let it all hang out. I shall correct myself again, and say ‘three’ for the number of comments. And actually, you are totally free to not like what I say. I am a big girl and more than able to take it but as I *clearly* state in the terms of use of the comments, if you’re not prepared to actually have your comment responded to, you shouldn’t comment, which is what you are choosing now to do. You clearly take offence to my question because instead of me going ‘Yes Just K, you’re right. Be pessimistic. There is no solution for someone like you’, I actually asked you to make a suggestion rather than just be pessimistic and you have chosen to come back with this anger because you might actually have to use an ounce of optimism to respond. I don’t need you to validate what I wrote – that is the wonderful thing about a blog – you can always click on if you don’t like the blog, or you comment if you don’t agree with what was written. I will repeat because you really went to town on making out like I made the comment because I think you don’t like my advice, when actually, I made the comment, because of the comments and in particular the responses you wrote directly to people. I am allowed to comment and I am allowed to have a different perspective and I won’t be told by you or anyone that I can’t, just like you won’t.
“Remember, at some point, you will date again and you have to apply your knowledge and learn to trust your gut and instincts. You don’t step out of the tunnel, into the light, and there’s a prince on a white horse waiting for you.”
I love that, because essentially that was what has got us into this mess in the first place when we fail to trust that nagging feeling in the pitt of our stomachs that what he is delivering is B.S… but when we aren’t right with ourselves, we buy into the B.S. because it’s not reality and that is where we make a decision to be.
I have not dated in 6 months and I look back and feel refreshed because I have been trying so hard to build myself up and feel great about myself… how can you do that when you are so used to “focusing on these assclowns or EUMs?” Exactly, why are you still dating? I remember in the past when I was continuing to date despite in the pitt of my stomach I knew something felt very wrong about it (ME!).
and in the process of just focusing on my life and building my self esteem, EUMs have contacted and I got confused to why they were contacting me and it did set me back slightly — but I prevailed and found this site and learned the truth which has helped me to be stronger then ever and more equipped to have a healthy relationship with myself and others when the times right.
I am 25 and it is not easier for me myalmostlover. I was with a man who I thot was my soul mate for 3 years after dating a whole lotta losers. He left me for another woman after lieing to me about her and stringing me along for a month. I miss him terribly even though he treated me like a bag of dog shit (which is insane of me). Since we have been apart and even when we were together men were and are always flocking to me but they are all ASSCLOWNS! I am waiting for the day when a real man will approach me w/o a hidden agenda. I feel like all of these dates are taking a toll on me and making me feel even more like crap than I did after I broke up w my ex. I’m am just learning to trust my better judement w men. It is not easy. I am lonely. I know I am a smart and beautiful woman. But maybe I undermine it too much and trade off on being “hot” instead which gets you dates but with jerks. I want to be married someday. I dont want to date losers anymore. They are wasting my time and draining my happiness. I love the way you put it,”I actually hate those two words “move onâ€. It sounds like there is something wrong with us if we have a hard time letting go. Everyone has there own pace.”
Mimi,
I think it depends on long it takes to “move on.” If you’re preventing yourself from getting on with your life and holding on to memories of what could have been it is a problem, most especially if you were treated poorly in the relationship. We must look within ourselves to understand why we are making poor relationship choices and not moving on from them. So, yes there is something wrong.
I dated an assclown for 3 1/2 years… at the end of which he told me he did not want to commit to a woman who had a young child… It’s probably all my faut: I should not have not told him that the boy living with me was the little neighbour for all these years the assclown knew me! What a shock to him to discover I had a son!
Yep, an ass is an ass… within 5 months he was with someone else.
I was with someone for 10 years. Things deteriorated due to doubt, indecision, and I have low self esteem and self confidence which was a big contribution to it. 8 months down the track and I still think of him daily. But he has moved on. I think I am more self aware now. If something triggers a feeling in me, I realise it’s due to my insecurity or self esteem and let it pass.
I am getting to the point of being happy for him, happy if he is happy. It’s been a slow process and I’m not all there yet. He wants to be friends. I can’t imagine not having him in my life, but I need to get to the point of being completely ok with just being friends, in order to be honest with him and with myself.
My biggest issue is we have mutual friends. Seeing him will be inevitable. Seeing him with his new girlfriend will be inevitable, and painful I imagine.
It’s been a hard road, a really hard road, and I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better, as I delve into my issues. But I am hoping that the fact that I am pushing myself to heal and to understand myself better means there will be a light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Lisalisa
Brad’s discomfort ( the grating) is a good insight. Maybe you are still living your life through the eyes, head and/or heart of the ex. I know it was that way for me with the EUM and three months into true NC I still have fleeting moments of that very odd sensation of still being ‘ in his head” in my mind. When I first started NC it was a whole month of the oddest feeling of still being pulled in by him, and of myself struggling to let go and have my head to myself.
Sorry if I am not being clear, its a bit hard to explain what I am talking about. There was an unpleasant addictive quality to the eight years with the EUM. The EUM I knew was emotionally manipulative, in sneaky ways, pulling me in, pushing me away. I got stuck in the push/ pull cycle and then in his world. And I guess you writing about being happy if he’s happy sounds like you might be stuck in his world too.
I do not know your story but if he treated you disrespectfully, erratically, dishonestly or was self serving when you were together, he is surely doing the same thing now to you as a “friend”. Those things sneakily damage one’s self esteem, no matter how strong you think you are, if you give weight to his belief system. Since you will not be able to avoid him totally you have the challenge of NC in the emotional sense. I’ll share more of my story, hope something here resonates.
First, about a long term relationship before the EUM. I have been, for decades, and still am in a business relationship with my ex. He is a good man, not the EUM that brought me to this site, and we work together several times a week. This is easy for me, and was from the beginning, because we both came to an intelligent well communicated understanding that our 20+ year romantic relationship was over. He admitted he was not willing to work on it anymore, wanted to pursue other interests that left little time for “us”, and was able to articulate his needs in a kind way that I understood and could not help but agree with. He went his way, romantically speaking, I went mine and our romantic relationship was dissolved. It was all handled so clearly and honestly that I did not struggle much, and it left the rest of our lives intact with little emotional drama. This is how we can work well together to this day.
BUT, there is the reason I am here.. the EUM I was very close friends with for almost ten years. Drama, disrespectful and irrational behavior were the hallmarks of his behavior. He also had the oddest way of getting intensely close before snapping back at me. The degrees of closeness/ shutting me out were extreme. He knew something was wrong, and often pulled me in to help, but never got any farther than that. He could never get it together to figure out and explain and work through his mixed up confusing behavior.
I got way sucked in, had never experienced anything like it, thought my friendship and love was strong enough to help him beat his challenges and with my help he would figure out his stuff and we could then explore a deeper relationship. There were many things I really liked about him. Took me many moons to realize I was wrong and stuck in some weird circular drama cycle of his, the push pull thing, that does not involve moving forward. Thus I started NC.
Unlike the ex, this is a very difficult and painful ending, Like I said, I really liked a lot of things about him. But the emo drama and ignorance about its destructive effect was not one of them. The ending of this is hard because there was no intelligent resolution or closure. He just shuts down when that kind of important and hard work is needed in the most significant of ways..emotionally. This of course, is why this site exists, the EUM is really discouraging and the effect on our confidence and psyches is bad.
But it is not hopeless. What it comes dowm to is the same as it was all along with the EUM. We have to do the work, all the work. So here we are with a lot of work to do. Like higher math. Not a bad thing really, but not easy. The hardest thing for me is to remove him from the equation unless its about how he relates to solving my problem..and my problem is understanding and dealing with the anger confusion and sadness over the whole EUM experience. Understanding my part in the relationship is also a key to solving it. I will repeat, the EUM himself has no place in this equation. But, understanding what EUM means and the effect the shabby behavior has on us and why we put up with it is a very important part of the equation. Thankfully, help with that part is all over this site.
If you will be seeing the EUM socially, your challenge will be to learn to do emotional NC, which is all in your head and not NC in the physcial sense. Frankly, I think this is what everyone who deos NC really should be working towards.
You want to be able look the EUM straight in the eye, and see them for just who they are; someone who does not respect themselves or you enough to have a decent emotional relationship with themselves or with you. You need to see them as they are, not willing or able to come through for you. You can be kind and polite and understanding but still very clear in your own head that you are not interested in pursuing anything with them.
You can say hello, talk some and move on. However, going out and drinking with them would always be a really bad idea – You need to be aware of the thing inside you that made you stay involved with them. Think it’s all about staying vigilant to knowing yourself, loving yourself, treating yourself well. At that point you have no need for an EUM, and are ready to be involved with an emotionally mature man. I expect this could be a slow recovery for me, and that’s OK.
Good luck to all of us.
I accidentally ran into this website as I was questioning myself after telling a guy that I won’t be friends with him after he made it clear to me that we had different relationship goals. Though I mentioned to him that if time permits I won’t mind hanging out with him once in a while. Funny, he never called back, never texted, emailed or anything! Thing his ego is hurt … as I am very kind and polite … guess he did not expect this from me!
All this was no fun for me … I went through self-doubt … for being pushy! But come to think of it he was the clingy one asking to stay friends and all!
I agree on mostly everything written in this article I shared a lot of common interests with him and I really enjoyed his company and a part of me feels sorry for him as he probably has never been truly loved by anyone. At the same time, I have learnt being kind to one’s own self is as important as being kind to others.
My 2 cents on online dating … there are lot of good men out there! I have met a couple of men who were ready for a relationship & committment … unfortunately I did not feel attracted to them. Not to say I am very picky … and like to exchange emails for a couple of months before meeting someone for a cup of coffee!
After reading this article my self-doubts are clearing and I feel happy about what I did … saved myself from lot of hurt! I still hurt but I feel in my heart that what I did was for the best of me! 🙂
NML, I would love to hear your take on healing while dating for women who’ve REALLY suffered at the hands of men. Being the survivor of a stranger sexual assault five years ago (and I won’t go into my previous history) dating is a huge challenge. At this point it isn’t even so much a holistic self-esteem issue, as it is an inssue of esteem that revolves specifically around relationships with men and sexuality. I pretty much took myself off the market for five years and tentatively started wading back in maybe two and half years ago (lots of therapy etc. etc.).
I’ve found that my own woundedness and negative energy seems to still attract some pretty messed up men. But it seems to me that it can’t really be healed/cleansed in any other forum than that of relationship. In fact, I got to a point in therapy where I was just like, “Look…I don’t know where else i can go with this. I like myself fine, I trust myself to be able to handle just about anything that comes up (although perhaps with some emotional difficulty). But if there’s anything lurking in the darkness I’m not going to know until it comes up…in a relationship.”
So really, putting myself back on hiatus isn’t an option for me. I did that. And it worked to a point. But really – for women (and men) like myself the healing is a process that goes on for a long, long time. BTW I’m almost 40 and I’d like to get married and have a family one day. At this rate I’m not sure it’ll happen.
my last but one ex was physically and verbally abusive, the one after that broke my heart which led to a clinical depression of over one year. I haven’t dated in five years and don’t think I will again. It is not worth it to me.
For some of us it just ain’t gonna happen. And I think that needs to be recognised.
I’m 45, old enough to know my own mind and what’s realistic.
Hi Linda
Best of luck with everything. I am 50, it is as if I fell into a groove at the beginning and for 35 years I repeated the same behavior.
I DO think it is fixable. It does start with inner work. The subconscious is the fountain of all that we do, so if you are a negative thinker you have to go to it and watch your thoughts.
Anything at all negative that pops up be aware of it. Pay attention to your thoughts in general, try not to judge yourself. Body work, energy healing over time can and do work. I was just in something troubling but it was brief and I ended it this time. I have done a ton of work and spent an enormous amount of money and time on myself. I know I will make it because I believe it. My life is improving in general I am less dependant, less aggressive, less pursuant and I am working on awareness and staying focused. I am seeing changes. I tell you this because you can do this to and have what you want.
So get there get yourself to believe that you will have what you want, whatever it takes and how long it takes. Do not worry about your age. This positive belief is the most important thing. Best of luck.