She believes in romantic love and is asking him questions while they’re doing some work and seems perplexed, confused, and at times annoyed at his inability to be emotional and grasp the concept of a future with someone. I rewound it back several times because George’s character (actually he’s a real life Mr Unavailable as well but that’s by the by…) captured the emotional black hole that many of us have thrown our energy into with Mr Unavailables.
“What happened to Alex?”, she asks.
“She had to leave town early to get to a meeting”, he responds as if talking about paint drying.
“That’s too bad. Where does she live?”
“Chicago”
“Think you’re gonna go and see her?”
“We don’t really have that kind of relationship”
“What..um..kind of relationship do you have?”
“You know…casual.”
“Sounds pretty special”, she says sarcastically, clearly taken aback by his coldness.
“It works for us”
“Don’t you think there’s a future there?”
“I never really thought about it… What’s going on here?”
“Really never thought about it?”, she says in total disbelief.
“No”
“How can you not think about that? How does it not even cross your mind that you might want a future with someone?”
“It’s simple. You know that moment when you look into somebody’s eyes and you can feel them staring into your soul and the whole world goes quiet… just for a second?”
“Yes”, clearly assuming that they’re finally on the same page.
“Right, well I don’t.”
There you have it ladies and this, while it is fictional, does capture the fundamental problem with being involved with Mr Unavailables. Just like I talked about in yesterday’s post about how our love doesn’t equal their love, they’re not thinking what you’re thinking, they don’t look at things in the same way, and they don’t really give a damn in the way that you want them to give a damn.
This conversation resonated with me because I’m pretty sure that when the Mr Unavailable who triggered my epiphany all those years ago was asked about what was happening with me, he would have said something along the same lines, and in fact did when I eventually confronted him about it. I outright asked him how it couldn’t have occurred to him until a few months after we’d been involved that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and why he hadn’t said anything, and he quite simply hadn’t thought about it!
The female character is making the mistake of only looking at things from her perspective.
In her world, people don’t get together and not consider where things may be headed. What she doesn’t realise is that normal, well-adjusted, empathetic people who don’t just think of themselves, will consider the future and the other person. Mr Unavailable is a short term, reactive person, who rides with how he feels at that moment. He assumes if you’re on for the ride, that you ‘get it’ and if you don’t like it, you’ll get off the ride.
In this guy’s case, it works for him, he doesn’t think about the future, and he’s happy being this way.
In real life, if you’re involved with a Mr Unavailable, or assclown for that matter, you will find that it won’t work for you, that you will think about the future, that you won’t be happy being the way that he wants you to be, and that you also won’t be happy with him being this way. As a result, you will attempt to change him and keep hoping for more, thinking that he’s been missing the love of a ‘good woman’. It’s either that or you will go to great lengths to change yourself as way of inspiring him to become emotionally available, in essence, making their unavailability your problem.
Mr Unavailables don’t think about the future and when they do, they quickly flick back to the present time.
If they ever considered the implications and the consequences, they’d think twice about a lot of the things that they do, but they assume that they can charm and talk their way out of it, especially if they think that you’re loving them more than they deserve to be.
Mr Unavailable is very of the moment. It’s out of sight, out of mind.
This is why you can’t fall into the trap of being reactive too, because it will be a case of neither of you thinking and considering consequences plus you never really get to think about the bigger picture and whether this is what you really want.
This is applicable all year round, but particularly at vulnerable times of year like this, it’s important to remember that when you get that pathetic text, or that paltry email with a crap joke or seasons greetings, or the hung-up call, the feigned stumbling voicemail, or the false cheery phone call, that much like when we get nostalgic and forget what a dipstick the object of our misguided affections is, that they get nostalgic too and temporarily forget that they have nothing more to offer and that they are likely to switch off and withdraw when the nostalgic period passes.
One of you needs to think about the future because living in the moment is causing you to have lingering pain that affects your future.
Do you really want to be with someone who’s scared to talk about tomorrow or next week, never mind a few months or years? Or even worse, do you want to be with someone who fakes a future with you to get what they want?
Look at the bigger picture. Remember what has happened and use that as a marker to get an idea of what is likely to happen now… or in the future.
Your thoughts?
My ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is my guide to understanding the dynamic between emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them and is available to buy and download.
Quote is from Up In the Air. From Paramount.
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After my experience with my Mr. Unavailable, I am positive that I could earn another Ph.D in this very topic.
I was wondering how it is that the EUM can live with the sustained inertia that they do. Yes, it is living in the moment, which can be good, but these guys have taken it to a level that is beyond explanation.
The very idea of just living in the moment means that they don’t look at all to the future or the consequences that others suffer because of their extended and permanent state of inertia. They connect to nothing.
Literally, every day is a new day to them. In the case of the EUMs who stay in marriages that clearly aren’t working, they wake up each day thinking that something might change. But, no never mind if it doesn’t, as they aren’t that connected anyway.
I think, in the case of my EUM, he experienced whatever emotion he was going to get by catching on to my emotions. He once said, “I love seeing you first thing in the morning. It excites me, because I don’t ever know what I’m going to get.” My reaction, at first, was, “Oh, how cute. He isn’t upset when I have started the day off in tears, (usually because he was going through a running cold phase)”. But, as I got distance, I realized that he had so buried any emotion, long ago, that he did get some kind of “feeling” in his normally gray world. It is just so sad.
This is soooooo true and I can’t believe I fell in to his trap. It was always about him – he’s depressed, he’s scared, he doesn’t know what he wants and I was always waiting for him — I can’t believe my own behaviour! I have been so stressed about this that I’m getting anxiety attacks and all he cares about is that he thinks I’m being unreasonable because I want him to change (which of course he doesn’t want to do). He has been divorced twice and I guess I thought that this time it would be different for him (don’t we all think that!)…. I keep trying to be close to him and he keeps trying to skirt the issue…..
Very sad that this is what I’ve put up with, but I have no one to blame but me. I think letting him go will be the healthiest Christmas present I could give myself.
Take care all!
Hi there,
This is my first post although I have been reading this site every night for the last week to keep me afloat as I try to wean myself off my EUM.
He has buggered off to Australia on the back of a total pile of bollocks he has fed me, justifying the trip even though to anyone sane, it sounds unbelievable. He ‘has’ to go and of course not enough notice to enable me to go too.
Needless to say, its been nothing but texts since he has been there – no phonecalls and of course, his phone is off (I rang once). Am fairly sure he is having a relationship there and is essentially moving between us both, skimming the surface, getting the best of us no doubt whilst we think we are losing the plot.
What I have found is that around him, I have lost my ability to assess the facts from the fiction and make a sound decision based on my gut instinct. I now think I should stop waiting for the big sign to go, and just go.
Reading this has pinned it down for me. Whilst he is here, I am too – when he isnt, well thats me parked,
It hurts that he thinks its ok to treat me like this, but it hurts more to know I should have done something about this an age ago (its been on and off for 3 years).
My mantra has been ‘why do I want someone who doesnt want me’ and it has helped.
I wish I could move forward as easily as he does but am determined to try anyway.
Would really appreciate some support if its going.
Rgds all.
E. x
again NML amazing post! just what i need to read during this time around Christmas. You help me so much surviving this period and opening my eyes! Thank you ! you are Like an angel -;)
Hi Emma
Im offering support:-). Im six months into no contact and let me tell you it feels great.
That man sounds like a total head wrecker. I promise you if you go no contact you will see him for what he is – you deserve better but will only get better if you let this one go. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy – because he certainly isn’t.
I just wanted to give you a big hug after reading your post – its such a horrible feeling to be going through – the confusion and pain but the only way things will become clearer is if you stay away from him completely. Its hard I know but it works.Stay strong:)
P.S don’t be worrying about what he’s thinking because he’s not worrying about you – remember that!
(NML I know advice is for the forum but I wanted to offer my support)
Hey Emma,
Come join us over on the forums! You’ll find loads of sharp, strong women over there who TOTALLY know what you’re going through….
A phrase that helped me in the beginning: If you don’t want me, then you can’t have me!
Cheers,
Ivy
Yes, I’d think (now that I’m more cynical and anaalyze things much quicker and better) that if on the first dozen dates you askl him questions abou the future in general, or how things broke down with his ex-gf or wife, you’d likely hear “i haven’t really thought about it” or “i’ll think about it when it happens” or”cross that bridge when you get there” or “i’m spontaneous and like to live for the moment” or some such other palaver.
Maybe it doesn’t feel too easy to be asking direct questions fairly early on, and if you don’t, you’re just falling into cooperating with his trap.
A man who is interested in you will want to make plans ahead and be thinking of how he sees YOU in his weeks and months and life ahead.
And then he’ll back up that talk with action, and you won’t have to wonder what his intentions are or be strung along like a practiced EUM or George Clooney would be so successful at doing to someone naiive.
An available man makes part of your available time one of his priorities. An unavailable man expects you to be ‘understanding’ and fit in with HIS schedule/wants/impulses/boundaries.
.-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..Jim Dine – Twin 6′ Hearts =-.
Girls,
Thank you so much for the support – he is total head wrecker.
I thought it was all for my benefit but ten quid says he has been like this long before me.
Did’nt know the protocol for this – will be taking your advice and heading for the forum.
Have to say, got a bit teary from your notes. Man, I have got to get a grip before he gets back.
Rgds,
E. X
We can’t and shouldn’t try to change anyone but ourself, its a big waste of time/energy that usually ends in heartache & disappointment. And it goes both ways, I don’t want to be someone different just so some guy will like me. You have to take them at their face value but that doesn’t mean you have to stay around.
Emma….NC works (68 days), hang in there & stay strong.
I so agree with this article. I was engaged, packed my house to relocate with my fiance (assclown)to Florida, my job was up for bid, leaving my 21 yr old daughter and family. I was to move July 4th weekend. All of a sudden in May, the hot/cold started. Then the “hudini” acts of disappearance w/all the excuses: “left my phone in car”, “sick all day”, blah blah blah…A gave him the benefit of the doubt. He came home Memorial weekend and I had a gut feeling that something changed. He was tired when he got there and not so interested in me til the 2nd night…then he blew hot the remainder of the weekend. The next 2 weekends, hudini was at his games. After the 2nd weekend, I prayed to God for an answer as I was on the fence. Assclown had “promised” he would phone me that evening – 9 pm came around and God had given me my answer. I cancelled my flight to visit and decided enough was enough. The following day/night he phoned – I gave him a taste of his own medicine. The following morning text after text; “you deserve better”, “i love you”… I had a gut feeling and phoned his work to find out he was fired just before his 90 days…I returned his call and he lied and said he was on a break; when confronted he tried to blame me! Said he asked for an extra day on July 4 and they didnt like that; then the answer was “they threw me under the bus.” That was the answer I got. The remainder of the week this ass didnt try to explain, or chase me; all he said was he messed up…messed up what? relationship? job? I do not know what happened. Its difficult because I dont have closure but really I’m sure whatever is going on would just bring me more hurt. I have not contacted him since July to ask him to get his things (which he sent his brother), he has texted, called in the wee am hours, created a profile on the internet posting a pic of me in a bathing suit, manipulated my email..and latest faked a text from tampa highway patrol saying he was in an accident. I felt bad and phone his mom in Tampa as a courtesy and she said, “no accident, why do you keep doing this?” “he is getting married.” I told her to tell him to leave me alone. So far its been a week and he hasnt contacted me. I blocked his texts. I am lonely, heartbroke, and mad because I fell for these stupid games but feel this man has many many issues…if he truly is getting married – scary for her as they havent been together too long. My family doesnt even believe the marriage part is true.
Anyway, we deserve to be with a person who actually wants to be with us. No drama, just simply wants/enjoys us!
Happy holidays….be strong – NO CONTACT! It drives them crazy!
“Mr Unavailable’s don’t think about the future and when they do, they quickly flick back to the present time.”
I experienced something a bit different with the AC. I believe he thought often about a future with me, in a weird and vague sort of daydream fantasy way, but that thinking would then conflict with the hard reality of having to experience a live and mature relationship with me. After the ex I was pretty clear what I wanted in any relationship and even as friends he was so very incapable of giving much of anything meaningful to me, despite the part of him that fantasized he could have a mature and deep relationship.
Weirdly, one of the reasons I always had trouble with the ex,
(who is not an AC) is that the ex is not the type to think much about future plans, he’s very much an ” in the here and now”, laid back and competent guy. Very comfortable with that philosophy and , truthfully, it was good for me to learn to go more with the flow.
But, looking back, if something made me really uncomfortable between us, and we were together for decades, I had a major effort on my hands to even get the issue on the table. Often getting it on the table wore me out, and that was as far as I got. Still, the ex is not an AC, he genuinely maturely cares about me, but he has a very different approach to life. And thus he is still a friend, but he never was a good PARTNER with me, not at all.
The AC on the other hand, really did not think of me as a person, more as a thing that he wanted and hoped to get some validation from without any effort on his part. Why I did not believe he was playing with a silly fantasy is something I have spent a fair amount of time thinking about in the last months of NC ! Think I got wrapped up in my own fantasies..like if thats what was being offered thats what I went with. It was weird and novel and dopey drama, though there was that nagging feeling that something was not at all right. Eventually, my common sense, that I had ignored for so long, propelled me to clearly opt out. This website helped a lot. No contact with an AC is the only way to go,
NML – fabulous post.
Emma,
We are all here supporting you! As NML has recently told me:
“You are caught up in relationship Insanity… you’re hoping too much, and giving him far too much compassion, where’s the compassion for you?”
This has stuck with me… and helping me stay strong in NC. (It’s been almost 2 months NC, and has been on and off for 3 years as well).
YOU CAN DO THIS.
I just woke up laughing as I remembered the oft repeated nugget of Ann Landers, or maybe it was Dear Abby ” Wake up and smell the coffee”. I am still laughing because the dream state must be a fairly common occurrence in bad relationships. Good grief ! : – ))
Yes, my EUM/AC, as I posted above, was very much in the here and now, but like Aprhogirl pointed out, there was a dreamy like – in the futureness – about him as well.
There had been a very limited discussion around the concept of, “Big plans require big action.” He then acknowledged that he had been using excuses – well, sort of acknowledged – and that he had to start acting his behavior out in more appropriate verbs. As in something other than saying one thing and doing another.
But, still, at the end of the day (the months, the years), he stayed stuck in his inertia. It then very much enabled my inertia. I finally got sick and tired of the inertia and went NC. It took me three tries before I stayed with NC.
I think that we can then get so stuck that we lose our own way. We start waiting for signs and indicators. It is a bad way to live. It can almost destroy you.
I had been so good with no contact for a couple of months then out of the blue last sat night at 2am he text saying he still loved me daft me caved in just as I was getting myself together and we talked on phone for ages of course he was drunk and I was tipsy lol! He said he loves me misses me but just can’t give me what I want! which from knowing from reading on this site I never will but think in my mind he will change his mind but he has never said that about not giving me what I want before that was the most honest he has ever been with me maybe as he was drunk his feelings came out he said I was to nice and he is an idiot and I deserve muxh better and he would be jealous if I had someone else and would hurt anyone who did me harm yet he treat’s me like this lol! at least now I know I can move on. The next morning he said he was sorry and was very drunk I didn’t reply as know it will do me no good then today he text me again on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and xmas I ignored the text I was so confused! Back to no contact and so hope I can stick to it and start the new year a fresh so wished EUM would delete your number and leave us alone.
Two days before Christmas I sat in front of my psychiatrist and asked how it was that I let people like Mr. Unavailable in my life and he told me that when you want someone in your life if they are 90% bad for you you still live for the 10% that is good because you want someone. I have had no contact with Mr. Unavailable for five weeks and it has been so hard. I begged the doctor to help me change this character flaw that has me begging for people who reject me instead of allowing those that would love and enhance my life. I am going to go through therapy and I am going to do whatever it takes to live my life for me because I truly am worth being loved and not just 10%. Good luck to you, may you concentrate on the joy in your life.
my assclown was a little different than my previous assclowns. Hewas a complete gentleman. He has a successful business and treated me to everything and even surprised me with little gifts. He called regularly as well as fun little texts and emails. He made plans and came to pick me up and was always on time. if he was even going to be 5 minutes late, he would let me know. He took me to many nice places, would kiss my hand or cheek goodbye, compliment me… it was all very nice. He set up follow up dates and called when he said he would. and on top of that, we had great conversation and a lot of fun and laughs. I liked how he made me feel. He told me he was also relationship-minded and ready for something serious and interested in dating with relationship as a possibility. He also did not want to jump into bed too quickly. He wanted to get to know me and build a foundation. doesn’t he just sound dreamy?
well, everything was great except… enter the major mixed signals. he started saying contradicting things. one minute he wanted to marry someday, next minute he said he never wants to get married. one minute his heart was buried because of his ex, next minute he was over her. he said he had girl “friends,” and next minute he told me how these friends were dates and he sleeps with all his dates on the first date and then he doesn’t care if he sees them again and i am more special than that. i questioned him on all this and he had smooth ways to wiggle out of all of it. he told me to take everything with a grain of salt, he told me to give him time to see how he has changed and i am the special one and he wants what i want. i told him this crap talk has to stop, and if he really is conflicted, then he needs to work that out without me. The talk stopped for a little while and things were great. However, now we are close to 3 months and he still had not kissed me. our flirting had turned to sexual flirting, but nothing was developing physically. we were seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week, talking or contact everyday. i just wanted to kiss! So– he had all kinds of excuses for that and told me he takes painkillers (and who knows what else, he would not tell me) and they cut out his desire. but then he would tell me about sex he has had with other women (unprovoked…with no reason to tell me that except to maybe hint something at me). so i knew he could have sex. which was the lie? i was about to have enough of it all. He dripped information, he was big into the dangled carrots and future talk of different ways he would propose, all the sex we would have, buying a house, blah blah blah, always declaring how much he adored me. He only has two male friends, but i met them and they both thought he finally got his dreamgirl. that is what he called me. I talked with him, and i foolishly decided to relax and go day by day and give him just a little more time. he became even more affectionate. and then one night he got into an argument with my friend and left me because of it. said he had to leave to protect my friendship with her. but he didn’t go away. he was immediately emailing me with poems and emails of his love for me but how he must sacrifice himself so i can be happy. he must do the honorable thing and leave the woman of his dreams. over a stupid disagreement with a friend? i didn’t have much going on in my life and he had already wore me down and had me in some daze obsessing over him trying to figure him out, thinking i really wanted that love that he dangled in front of me but wasn’t really giving me. i responded to some emails like a fool. they get away with crap if we let them. this went on for a month. finally i said i miss him and am tired of this and so he started to call. now he wanted to see me again. i wanted answers and validation, so i met him. for a while we were our happy selves again having a great time until time for the talk. he finally told me he does not want to fall in love after all. couldn’t i be happy knowing the other women were nothing to him and i was the important one? uh, no. i said i felt led on and he told me he DID want relationship. he said, well, yeah, someday… so i said then call me someday and see if we still like each other and see if i am still single. that made him hang all over me! NOW he was kissing me! trying so hard it was silly. i would not kiss him back. i could see what he was trying to do. he tried so hard and i kept asking him to define what he wants now. he said we are more than friends. and he said this,” you are easy to love, and i know and everyone around me knows i was falling in love with you, but i do not want to fall in love!” and ” i did not expect to fall in love with you, but i will not fall in love.” He was scared i would hurt him or he would hurt me and he will not fall in love. So i told him i cannot be some friend with emotional benefits while he sexually flirts with me but will only have sex with women he doesn’t like in order to stay unattached. how unfair to everyone. and telling me that statement, isn’t he is telling me he will hurt me in order to stop his feelings if he starts to fall in love again? he says no, but he cannot explain what he wants from me now. he kept calling, texting, emailing and i ignored or threw his crap back at him. he kept saying i was ignoring him or must be with someone else. then he tried to seduce me with a holiday vacation with him. why? “to make me happy.” i explained how i cannot just drop my feelings and be in some no-emotion bubble and go on what would have been a dream vacation in other circumstances. well, his latest email to me is all about how he had a simple request that needed a simple answer and i had to go make big drama out of it, how i uneccessarily make drama out of thin air and rant and bust his balls when all he wanted was to spend time with the person he wants the most, but no matter how he compromises for me, nothing is good enough for me, what happened to that sweet, gentle girl he used to know? everything he says i use against him, i provoke fights for no reason, even with all my crazy behavior, he still has to smile and love the beautiful mess i am, he definitely needs a prenupt to marry me now, he goes on about the sex he was going to give me, but now sees it is too dangerous, it goes on and on. he put some smiley faces in there so i guess i would take it serously but not. it makes me so hurt and angry. he is rationalizing, justifying, in denial, projecting! i am so done with it and so ready to move on and i kind of don’t care as much anymore. he already hurt me long ago. so now do i respond and point him to the error of his ways (which he can never see and take responsibility for) and say my last word? do i ignore it? or simply respond, “we want different things, i am done, good bye”????? they just tear you up and then act all innocent. couldn’t tell me what he wanted from me, gave me more mixed signals knowing i was hurt, but he is the good one and i am CRAZY. yeah right. i think he wants me to apologize. i don’t know why he does what he does!
are they insane or are they aware of what they are doing? are they aware of how twisted their thoughts are and how manipulative they are with their mixed signals and dangled carrots and false promises? are they aware that they are hurting someone that they supposedly care about? do they know they are playing games?
good lord, the crazymakers… I spose the only question that matters is whether Mr EUM can he pull his s*it together enough to be an honest, strong, stable and confident man, man enough to figure out what he feels and wants and not be afraid to live it. Who knows (sure as hell does not look good in this story) but in the meantime, I hope you can keep yourself together enough to stay calm and focused and away from anyone who makes you feel this crazy.
To answer your slew of questions ..my experience is that the EUM is a pretty clueless boy-man, busy running around in the here and now, just as this post defines. If he actually has a lightbulb moment – gets in touch with his own feelings, actually feels empathy and the consequence of his behaviors….it makes him so uneasy he slips into comfort and avoidance by reverting to the arseboyclown behavior we are all so familiar with ..and tired of. Good luck with NC.
I am married to Mr. Unavailable for 33 years. In my “right now” we live in 2 different states because of a separation (which was reversed). When asking him to make some sense as to why we live apart, a basket full of excuses was presented. Fine and great.
Now I am using him to regain my balance, heal and have every intention once I am on my feet to move on with my life without Mr. Unavailable. I do not feel guilty in the least bit using him as he has used me. Since that is only coming from my end – guilt – it has to be eliminated as that is not real in this relationship. Zero guilt and manipulation.
Remaining calm, smiling, and re-educating myself. Also spending whatever it takes to never ever attract such a lunatic again on therapies.
Thanks for this great website of encouragement and Happy New Year!
Kristen: We probably ought to take this over to BR.Ning, but are you still involved with this guy?
sorry just a quick one ..
“head wreckers” … that’s such a good phrase .. and so accurate
Chris
🙂
yeah headwreckers allright, but I now see that I let my head get into a wreck by driving my car on that crappy badly maintained EUM highway. I had never been on that road before and yet I was not completely unawares, just blinded by illusions – some that he fed, and some of my own creation; it’s like I had one headlight out.
Highway AC.. if you find yourself lost there just get off at the next exit, pronto : – ))
My preffered title is ‘Mind F…kers’ 🙂
love that Aphrogirl,.. just get off at the next exit! 🙂
Remember there is alway’s ’50 way’s to leave your lover’
Re-educating Marion, that’s a good term, makes things less subjective 🙂
Hang on in there Kristen.
The scary thing, (and I don’t feel like being scared anymore!!) how long does it take for their ‘true colors’ to show….. years?? if so then I don’t think I’ll be letting anyone in my life ever again. Life is already too short.
xx
No, i am not seeing my assclown anymore. I let him keep the communication with me, but I am done. He called and I answered because I was ready to stand my ground and tell him i cannot be with him and cannot do the song and dance anymore. Stop the insanity and take action, right? He wanted to go out to a romantic restaurant with me like nothing was wrong. I said no. He asked why I can’t just relax and go with the flow. I said I was doing that, and it only hurt me because i got so many mixed messages and then that “flow” led to him falling for me which is why he left. but he didn’t go away, and he continued to warn me that he will not fall in love, so how i am i supposed to just wake up today and relax and go with it? Because he said he adores me and invited me to a dream vacation? Finding the girl of your dreams who is everything you ever wanted and falling in love with her and then leaving her because of that just doesn’t make sense to me. We talked and he was trying to convince me to not analyze and just relax and go with it. I have learned from this site that i was so busy analyzing all his mixed signals and behavior and letting him get away with it that i lost myself and compromised what I want and was uncomfortably giving him what works for him. I was not taking action by leaving when i wasn’t getting what i want and was not getting answers or action from him. so then i analyzed and obsessed more and this crazy song and dance just kept growing. He knew what confused me and I almost left him because of it once. So it isn’t like i stayed quiet and didn’t tell him what I want and expect. But I DID let him keep getting away with his ambiguity. I told him I am ready to stop analyzing and stop the drama and take action and leave a situation that never gave me what I wanted and does not seem to be offering me anything different. here is basically how part of it went–
“why can’t you relax and enjoy, kristen? we can’t predict what will happen.”
“that is true, and that was what i wanted to do. Date and see what happens. But you left me when you were falling in love. are you saying you are ready to fall in love and if it you feel that again you will go with it?”
“why can’t you just relax and enjoy? we can’t predict things.”
” that is true, and last time you did not expect to fall in love but you did, and you left me because of it. how will you stop your feelings this time if you fall for me again… will you do something to hurt me or will you allow yourself to fall for me?”
“Why can’t you just relax and enjoy? we can’t predict things.”
“That is true. But I know that I want a relationship and you have told me you can’t give that to me, and you have shown me that and you have worn me down with all your mixed messages. So what is it you want now?”
“why can’t you just relax and enjoy? we can’t predict things”
“I tried relaxing and going with it for months. I have feelings. I am still hurt.”
“but i adore you! i adore you! i adore you! I have shown you how i feel about you! I showed you my most inner and sincere emotions by inviting you to Hawaii– why can’t we just relax and enjoy it?”
“so is it different now? what do you want?”
“ahhh… why are you doing this? why does it have to be so complicated? stop analyzing! i can’t predict things!” lol. i guess he forgets what else he has shown me? I guess he wants me to second guess myself and think i AM crazy? That it was all in my head?
He wants a happy bubble where he can see me on terms that work for him. I do believe he cares for me and adores me. But i believe he is very conflicted about it. My needs and wants were never met. Now he is sounding like the flirty, fun guy who wants to date me and not be complicated, but he cannot tell me that he is now relationship-minded like I am. It was pretty much yesterday that he told me he has demons and will not fall in love. We can never predict what will happen when we date (and even when we are already in a relationship), but you kind of CAN predict what will happen when one person is open to relationship and willing to explore the feelings and take the steps and the other person is not… or doesn’t know if he is… or thinks he may be SOMEDAY… Some fundamental things you just know. He asked why now– after all the guys i have dated, why is it different with him that i cannot just be casual and see him. I said i was not happy with casual, unemotional, temporary relationships and it was my faulty belief that relationship could not happen for me no matter how much i wanted it. I kept letting guys like him prove me right. Now I have changed my beliefs and I believe ICAN get what I want. And i will not take crumbs or bend my wants and feelings to fit into Mr. Unavailable’s plans and terms. I wanted more with him, it couldn’t happen, so i cannot wait around and go crazy anymore. oh he got really frustrated and could not keep talking about it. he was too upset and had to get off the phone. I have not talked to him since. I typed out an email explaining myself and my feelings about it all, but i saved it to draft. If he wants to speak with me when he gets back, I will speak to him and tell him in person. Otherwise, I will let it go. I do not plan to contact him. I have taken excerpts from his crazy emails and made a document that I can look at if i need reminding of all the crazy contradictions he has made to me. Just doing that alone has made me realize i played with fire knowing i would get burned, and i had a part in it, but i am not the crazy psycho one making a mistake. It was not all me. I tried to relax and go with it and waited to see which guy i would get in the end… was I going to get the guy who adored me and said he wanted a relationship or was I going to get the guy who told me his heart was buried and he doesn’t do relationships? well, i got the one who is scared and hurt and conflicted, and I think i would get that same one if i stayed some more, hoping for the other side of him to magically become his real and only self. what changed overnight? He seems very resistant to facing any of his demons. I didn’t believe in myself and i didn’t take action. Now i do, and I am. it feels really good. I am scared i will slip up, but i keep visualizing the the type of relationship i want, i feel the feelings of how it will feel, and i finally believe I am worth it and deserve it and can have it. It was very hard to turn down a “dream” vacation with him. I did wonder if i could just go and have a good time. but i would be fooling myself, and i would rather take care of myself. I will travel another day and have that dream vacation another day.
sorry my posts were so long!
Wandering Ivy–
I love that phrase, “If you don’t want me, you can’t have me.”
That is great!
I have not been on the site in a while and just read this December post. It was great… My ex ran in to me at a bar and suddenly called me at the next day (it was over the holidays), and didn’t leave a message. So I called back (I know I know) and have never heard from him since. We have seen each other since and chatted (same office) but he has never mentioned it, or told me why he called. It has bothered me but just seeing you confirm my suspicions here always makes me feel stronger and like I am on the right track. If nothing else, I find your posts just reinforce my feelings about him and sometimes when I weaken and wonder if my instincts might be wrong, it really helps to have an unbiased outsider say “no, this is exactly what is going on” as it completely fits an MO.
Thank you!
Natalie, I saw that movie Up in the Air and I feel exactly the same way you do. I think George Clooney character and the man himself is a typical unavailable man. I thought this man commits to nothing and strangely enough his character reminded me so much of my ex. He offers no connections, no sympathies, no emotions. Yet I stuck with him for awhile.