I’ve already started getting emails coming through about my new ebook The No Contact Rule and the chapter that seems to have resonated deeply with readers has been the chapter Breaking Your Pattern by Understanding Your Compulsion. Here I share an excerpt from it which gives some initial insight into how we can essentially end up being trapped in our feelings for someone, distorting our perception of ourselves and everything else around us, and having us running back to the person to try to stem the rejection, so that we end up numb….
“Some of the women I regularly correspond with feel a compulsion to make contact with their exes. They conjure up excuses to send a text, agonise over whether to send a birthday card, worry about what he might think about the fact that she’s not supposed to be thinking about him, and will have gone through regular periods of cutting contact, albeit maybe more fleetingly. Many women cut contact physically, as in they don’t see or speak with their ex, but they stay mentally connected by moving into obsessing about him. This is effectively like conducting your relationship in spirit on an alternative planet.
Obsessing about your ex and analysing the coulda, woulda, shouldas of the relationship is about looking for reasons to blame yourself, which also become reasons for you to find a way to try to ‘fix’ things, which in turn also keeps you emotionally invested in the person and the relationship.
Of course, if you are literally consumed by your thoughts and feelings for this person, you will not only fail to move on, but you’ll end up being trapped by your own feelings.
It’s very difficult to gain objectivity, perspective, and a sense of reality if you’re submerged in an underworld of illusions. You’ll feel intrinsically tied to him irrespective of whatever pain you have been through and become convinced that having him in any way, shape, or form, is better than not having him at all in your life. And so you will opt back into the cycle and likely make contact with him and go through all the rigmarole until something else happens to cause you to feel like you have to find a way out of the relationship.
Not only will you be trapped by your feelings, often feeling paralysed unable to do anything or resist the compulsion, but you may feel isolated.
No Contact is difficult. There is a huge reward at the end of it, but particularly for those of you who are constantly fighting yourselves, you’ll struggle to recognise what the reward is because you’ll perceive the absence of him from your life as ‘punishment’.
Unfortunately by isolating yourself in your feelings, you’re putting yourself into emotional purgatory.
This happens because with your dating habits, the likelihood is that you validate yourself based on your success or lack of it, with men. You’re likely to feel invalid when you stop trying to pursue a relationship with him and will internalise the reasons as to why the relationship ‘failed’. You may not even know why you want what you want, you just know that you feel like you want it because of the fact that things have not worked out in the way that you expected.
We choose men that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships, and if we are carrying a lot of negativity, we’ll find ourselves with the very type of men that we profess to want to avoid. The classic example of this is being afraid of abandonment and then finding yourself with partners who disappear on you or who keep abandoning the relationship and are completely disloyal.
The danger in having a lack of self-love is that if we seek validation in others, when we are alone, we’ll panic, and quickly try to go back to the original source for some familiarity.
If you’ve kept going back to a relationship, you don’t know how to, are afraid of, and are unprepared to deal with loss. In fact, you may be hypersensitive to loss, and rather than actually work your way through it, you just avoid going the whole hog of feeling the loss.
Avoidance of feeling the pain and professing fear of it, is about dodging the full extent of your feelings about the loss, abandonment, and any perceived rejection.
Hard as it may be for you to hear, the fact that you avoid feeling out something to the fullest extent, doesn’t change the reality. The relationship is still over, you still need to grieve it, and you’ll still feel rejected. The difference is you’re prolonging your own agony and suspending yourself in limbo. This is why you’ll end up being stuck in an illusion being completely distanced from the reality. You won’t see the real him and he’ll be able to recognise this because you need to live a lie so that the reality doesn’t pierce it.
Burying your feelings as a coping mechanism is basically shutting down. You may have numbed the pain but it will play its way out through your health, mental, and emotional state with the potential to affect how you cope with stress, family, work, and general life. It’ll feel like swimming through quicksand.”
Your thoughts? Are you consumed by your feelings for someone?
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Excellent blog, this is exactly what I needed to read today.
I’ve just started back at work which means having to deal with my X each day. He has told a mutual friend that he is very uncomfortable with us at least not saying hi to each other when both in the common areas. I thought about things and decided that
1) He continually went hot ad cold on me In our relationship
2) He dumped me
3) He threw me the friend card and as friends he proceeded to run hot and cold and confuses the hell out of me
4) When I started the NCR he proceeded to still run hot and cold and confuse me (from a distance)
So in a way he is asking for yet another chance at letting me down, running hot and cold, confusing me, hurting me yet again and no doubt it will all be on his terms, again.
He had his chances and blew it!
P.s im reading this trapped in a lift with him at work on my iphone *ACK* !
How many times do I really need to mourn this relationship before I get on with it? I have been 100% no contact since Sept, we split up in Feb. Or so I thought I was 100% no contact. I am working on the self love, boundaries, everything, all of it, why do I still feel so crappy? I am the Classic Love Addict, he was a sex addict, My mother was an alcoholic. Why do I need so badly to be needed…. It is exhausting really. When I am not needed I tend to feel slighted. I hate it.
I think about him often, but my thoughts are changing. Before it was wishing things would work, etc… and now it’s more like How the F could you treat me like that? better yet Why the F did I accept it, a**hole.
I don’t ever care to forgive him, he can rot. I am having trouble forgiving me.
I dated the “son of Satan”
Going back to “stem the rejection” hit me right in the heart.. That is totally what I did. Ugh. So sad how this type of behavior stomps on our delicate self esteem. I can very much relate to feeling “numb” after this kind of emotional abuse was inflicted on me. Thank goodness I now know what was happening to me.
PS i have to say one last thing to my intial statement above, that its funny how some how through all this ive ended up being the bad guy because i dont want to talk or say good morning. It almost puts you in that “she is being immature basket” and allows the AC to be the victim “she wont even say hi to me guys” its annoying !
His friends ran to his aid this morning and i thought, you have to be kidding!!
Asshh, this is exactly the place I am reading in the new ‘No contact’ book!! Thank you!! 🙂
I keep going over the same thought, I said no a million times because he was my friend for so long, I said yes, cause he really convinced me we should be together..then he did every AC trick in the book and played the friendship card at the end. My grief is not the damned sex or even the betrayal..its losing my dear friend. And that doesn’t make sense cause he wasn’t a friend! This is were I keep tripping up and fighting the nostalgia. The NC so far is ok cause I have my pride intact…working through the grief is the hard part! Thank you again Natalie 🙂
I find it interesting that many of us ended up giving into “friends” of ours that chased us down relentlessly and then the minute we give in and get our hearts involved, they turn into assclowns. Whats up with that?
Thank you so much for this Natalie- I think you are the wisest person in the world. Trish don’t be so hard on yourself. My AC treated me terribly and then when he dumped me said I was being nasty and unreasonable for not wanting to be friends. It took me a long time to grieve for who I had lost. Even if the person was fake, my feelings for him weren’t! Even if he was part imagionary, I still lost someone I loved. You need to forgive yourself. You allowed yourself to care and love someone, now you know better, you’ll move on and be a stronger happier person with better more rewarding relationships. He has learnt nothing and will be going through the same old sh*t for years.
Trish-
I laughed at your “I dated the son of Satan”. I too do not have the desire to forgive the ex-EUM, I just want to forget his existence and move on with my life. I really don’t believe he deserves my forgiveness; why should I forgive such a manipulative, lying, selffish human being who used me for my “good” qualities which is the reason he claims he “idolized” me (he did actually say that). No thanks. I know it’s been said that forgiving someone is about letting yourself move on and no longer holding on to the anger/pain etc. But really, sometimes I think there are certain things that just do not deserve my forgiveness and I’ll be able to get over the anger just fine. He especially doesn’t derserve my forgiveness after he continues to disrespect my request to stay out of my life. It amazes me how incredibly selffish and arrogant the EUM’s can be. I know if a guy told me “please respect me as a person and my requests and leave me alone” I wouldn’t think twice about crossing that boundary…but I guess that’s one of those qualities that’s incorporated into the “idolization.” Blah! So much BS that I’ve heard.
@Trinity-I am EXACTLY in the same boat as you! Every morning I avoid saying good morning to my EUM. And throughout the day, I have my earphones on while I work so that I don’t have to talk to him. Funny part about all this is that with all the actions I have taken to steer clear of him, he STILL tries to say hi and talk to me.
One step forward, three steps back….sigh. Almost 3 months NC, feeling good about my decision to leave him, working on taking care of myself. Then last night I discover on FB that he had already started the next thing before ours left off. Ironic…because earlier in the evening while reading reams of posts and feeling so bad for all the broken hearts pouring themselves out here, I actually was thinking to myself, “Well, at least my AC wasn’t THAT bad. His was just a timing thing, really. He never CHEATED on me”. Then Whammo. Someone kicked me in the stomach and I couldn’t breathe. Now I’m back to square one, wondering if he ever meant anything he ever said and the tapes are running full blast: “Did he really ever love me?” blahblahblah. Pointless I know, but hard to master. This post was perfect NML. I’m so grateful I didn’t violate NC all these weeks while he was clearly NOT thinking about me, but last night I sent him a nasty gram that took no prisoners and burned all bridges. Done.
I’ve spent everyday for the past 3 months (NC) thinking about him, plotting my revenge for his cheating and having endless in my head conversations with him. Its emotionally and physically exhausting.
NML this excerpt from your book helps. Thanks
NC for over a month and then “Ding!”
I get a “Hi love” IM and it’s all over.
So I’ve been thinking..and maybe this is simply to justify my behaviour, but listen ladies:
The cause of any relationship failure is different. People are different. Period. Instead of judging these men and labelling them AC’s, maybe we should look at the bigger picture and start listening. Sometimes, when we have these big dreams and great expectations, we project what we want these men to be rather than really, truly listening and trying to understand who they really are. Sure there are real jerks out there, BUT, sometimes, the jerk that was, never really was. It was what you CHOSE to see instead of the man that is.
We need to understand that people are different. Sure, theoretically, the dynamics of a relationship may appear quite simple and straight forward, but there are so many things to take into consideration – and they are all about the people involved.
Ask yourself; have you ever really stopped to listen. And I don’t mean just pretending to listen. I mean, really listen empathically. If this was the end of days, and you could see your whole life in front of you, will you see things differently to what you saw then?
We see what we choose to see.
I have mourned the loss of someone who called me his best friend, who I was also very close to ( but not my best friend, that is reserved for my oldest women friend.) It went bad when, after six years, the friendship crossed a line and we explored the idea of making it romantic. Just considering this ( not even doing it ! ) proved to be his undoing. I really believe he held a fantasy version of romance with me all along, and being an EUM and a emo lazy AC really preferred the fantasy version to the reality of working with me on a real relationship.
10 months after NC I still struggle with the loss of what really was an illusion of friendship. I still greatly struggle with the betrayal of his deception. The way he betrayed me in the end was supremely asinine. Thus, I do not struggle with NC, not one bit.
I do struggle with anger and hatred, and those are two things I do not want in my heart. I still need to replay the whole thing, eight years of friendship, to make sense of the betrayal. I do not blame me though. Slowly, things he did are coming back to me, to help me see that I was involved with a man with a lot of problems who is unwilling to deal with them. I now see he had major issues with mom, played out in anger or cruelty with me, as well as a certain fondness for melancholy, with a bit of the madonna/ whore complex thrown in just for extra drama.
Here’s the thing, even though I knew better and did not get romantically involved…the damage was done anyway. After the line was crossed, I struggled to understand his confusion, his ridiculous ambivalence, struggled to help him with his bewildering behavior and, in the end, me and my self esteem got so drained by his unwillingness to have a healthy relationship with me and his unwillingness to end it or even talk about it. At my lowest point I ended up here, and knew I had to get out. It’s been just over a year since I found this site.
Shocking really that something so shi**y can take up so much of one’s time. But recovery is marked by the sense that a problem IS getting better, even if its not getting better as fast as you’d like it. And this recovery, no matter how slow, that has made me learn valuable lessons about paying attention and being good to myself, is more valuable than gold. Thank you NML and people who post here.
It still hurts. NML is right on and I was surprised I still had lessons to learn. Realizing what I think of HIM – (rather than feeling rejected by what he doesn’t feel for me and how rudely/inconsiderately he behaved) — and staying clear on it, is what will save me.
.-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..SAAM at SLS and Patina =-.
@am…I was just marveling at the same phenomenon. The same thing happened to me: a valued, but totally platonic, friend from work pressured and badgered me into committing, despite declarations on my part that I wasn’t ready. In the end, I relented, because he seemed to like me so much, and I thought “surely he wouldn’t sacrifice our friendship for something he wasn’t serious about”. He wore down my defenses, and the moment I fell for him, he became an entirely different person. The sincerity and adoration were replaced with aloofness and manipulation; I realized that not only was the image of him as an adoring partner a charade, but so was that of the loyal friend.
For me, maintaining the NCR and coping with feelings of rejection from a former friend is made more challenging by the mere fact that I hadn’t been interested in him in the first place (he is unattractive and much older), and had compromised myself only out of trust in his character. It’s as though I’m trying to restore faith in my own judgment by giving him infinite chances to become the man I thought he was. Which is kind of a paradox because my immediate intuition is what I should have listened to in the first place.
I had the same experience. He was a “friend” for 1.5 years, and he even knew that I was seeing someone else for for about a year. Then I “gave in” and started having feelings and he suddenly “thought we were better as friends” and “wanted to see what else was out there”. He dumped me right before my birthday and the holidays, and then a couple of weeks later started texting me saying that he was “confused and didn’t know what to do or why his feelings kept changing”. I removed him as a friend from a social network we shared and he proceeded to call relentlessly for a few days. Then a final text message stating that I could call or text him if I ever wanted to talk and he would “always be there for me if I needed him.” I never responded to him. I got one more email the day after Christmas which said “Hey how have you been?” IGNORE. He said he was sorry if I was upset and he still cared for me but he couldn’t see us married and thought our relationship had gone as far as it was going to go and he could look forward into the future and see us in a few years and it would still be the same, etc. There was an age difference between us; I am older, but he obviously knew that and furthermore he specifically liked it while I was indifferent. When he dumped me, he used my age against me by saying the age difference was “weird” and it “wasn’t a problem now” but he could “see it being a problem in the future.” What a jerk…. Right now I’m just more angry than anything, but I wish I could say that I have forgotten about him mostly and hardly think of him. At least I’m no longer crying, because I was such a mess the last time I saw him (once more after he dumped me) that I couldn’t even sleep or go into work and I cried for a couple of weeks daily. Ridiculous!
Wow, we are all on the same page!! is this the same damned guy! A seven year friendship…he spent months convincing me we should be together and I saying NO a million times NO… then after convincing me and immediately turning into an AC and the behaviour getting worse… he was convincing me why we shouldn’t be together through his tears! and I was saying WHY NOT?? And I new exactly what was going on, it was like my compulsion to play it out was bigger than me or my true thoughts. Soo damned weird. Maybe this is were I am in the grief.. trying to figure out why I didn’t just agree with him and say..yeah your right it would never have worked out, bye, but I had to play the victim! Like thats my role cause I’m a woman, and your a guy and you get to play the one who rejects. I was in fact rejecting him by not playing the game in the smaller picture, not calling him, calling him on his behaviour etc. Still in the end, he would never be able to give me what I need or anyone, so why am I even bothered!
Even in the bigger picture they turn everything around… and he did the whole ‘call me whenever you want’ too. I called him and said ‘I’m sorry I can’t be your friend..he said… ‘we can’t see each other for awhile’… Arrrgghhh, sooo arrogant!! I’m so mad I was tricked!! I don’t even want him in my life anymore but the damned thoughts don’t leave me. Grrr.. I can forgive him cause he’s more messed up than me… or not!! I just don’t want to care anymore.
Hi moving on 2010 🙂
it’s really annoying and draining isn’t it?
It’s almost like we are expected just to suck it
up and move on, like some how because we
don’t want contact, we are now the immature
ones. It’s very selfish on there behalf especially
if they no you don’t want any interaction. Especially
since they no they have already hurt you so much
that you have had to apply NCR just to make sure u
save yourself, get out of limbo, stop him hurting you
and try your best to move on. Maybe I should have cut the
cheese in that lift 🙂 might make him think twice about it
next time. Anyway I really noticed how much better and
happier I felt on holidays, soon as I got back and saw him, I felt
drained and miserable.
“Obsessing about your ex and analysing the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s of the relationship is about looking for reasons to blame yourself, which also become reasons for you to find a way to try to ‘fix’ things, which in turn also keeps you emotionally invested in the person and the relationship.”
This paragraph is so profound — it needs to be read over and over and over again.
Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!
It’s 3 months since my ex told me “it’s just not workin” (after 10mths living together) and since i’ve found this site (over a lonely festive period) i’ve finally stopped crying!!!!
Thank you to everyone especially NML for helping me to begin the journey back to me, myself and I…..xxx
Like everyone else here, I have felt rejected, confused and bruised at the end of a relationship and have often wondered: “How the f*ck does he not want me? ME! An a-hole like that does not want me.†Ouch. How does one comprehend that? It can be hard to accept. Then I learned that it was never me.
Yes, he wanted me. Pursued me. Maybe even loved me for a little while. I noticed that that’s the case with many of you. Then when you submitted to his advances, he goes cold on you, turns into an AC, or whatever. The truth is, it’s not because he’s an AC. It’s because he’s human. Yes, it’s human nature. He got what he wanted. The chase is over and the excitement is gone. This is usually where he comes in and says: “It’s just not working.†Having said that, not everyone is like this. People who understand themselves well will recognize this and work on it with you. Others opt out and start it all over again with someone else.
This is the game. And that is what it really is. It’s a game and you need to get smart about it. Play it well. I’m not saying that you have to compromise on your integrity, values or character. It’s about being vigilant, wise and learning how to think with your head, not your heart. Take back the power and beat him at his own game. Don’t cry about it and punish yourself, because it’s not worth it. He’s not worth it.
I have bought hte no contact book and it has been my saviour. I spent the whole holiday period tied to my phone, waiting for him to call. Finally, he texted me a few times over hte pas few days and I am so much stronger for having read the book. I ahve to confess that I did reply, but I wasn’t all needy and looking for validation.
Thanks so much NML!
i need to heal myself and just dont know how… my husband passed away 5 yrs ago. With therapy i picked myself up. Then i met an AC and i thought god was giving me a second chance!! Unfortunately, he tplayed me, he used me, he constantly lied to me and did the hot cold routine. I find myself trying to pick up the pieces once again. This time though, he took away my self esteem. He made me feel worthless to the point where at times i blame and hate myself. I know i am stuck in my emotions, but at the same time, i don’t know how to move on. Reading everyone’s comments i know how you all feel. But at least now i understand that am not alone. Thank you NML as through your writings i gain strength and insight.
Married twenty years to severe passive aggressive AC with all the evidences. Professional, secure, and attractive woman who lost it all – finally had ‘enough’ – and ended it. Separated…process of divorce…NO since October and still grieving and obsessing. However, at least don’t have to see AC at work everyday. And, I am wondering if you are in a position to have to see AC every day if by completely avoiding NC with AC – as I have the luxury of doing since we have blessing of some geographic and physical distance (which I insisted on when he chose to leave – at least 1.5 hour away and he has started to creep back 1 hour a way…now 30 minutes away lol). I think when you don’t say “hi” and apply the full Monty ‘ignore’ in the workplace it allows AC to play ‘victim’ – a most favored and pleasurable role. Perhaps the real challenge is saying ‘hi’ or ‘good morning’ once and that is all…not caring and saying it with no emotional investment as you would say to someone you hardly know of the doorpost…not expecting any response….not caring if/what response you get…not completely ignoring but acting in every interaction as detached and distant and aloof – working up to disdainful – as you possibly can manage.
I am thinking he is probably deriving too much pleasure in this application of the NC rule and you take back your power by not caring with every word and action. Maybe with practice and persistence the way you force yourself to respond in the beginning will be eventually internalized and you really won’t feel anything and care one way or another if he says ‘hi’ or you say ‘hi’- or even notice because not focused on it anymore. The less drama he gets to generate the unhappier he will be every day. Goal: make him as unhappy as possible!
This website helped me so much. I was looking for answers this summer for a man that was running hot & cold. When we were together it was fabulous, but then he would disappear and not call for days. He doesn’t do any technology so I didn’t have to deal with texts, emails, facebook, or dating sites. He would start to behave badly in not calling when he said and not showing up. I was determined to maintain my dignity and this site helped so much. I would leave him a voicemail and say – because you aren’t treating me right, I’m not going to see you. I was miserable, but refused to contact him or take his calls. Eventually, he would come back and we would start over. It seemed the more he liked me the more likely it would be that he would sabotage the relationship. I knew that was a game I could not win and I refused to end up like many other relationships, talking about it, explaining my feelings, trying to convince him how good it could be and generally making the relationship happen, even if it wasn’t right. Finally, in November, I wrote him a note and said no more. He called and left an apologetic voicemail (I refused to take his calls). I felt good about the ending and we wished each other well. But (there’s always a “but” it seems), I was having trouble moving forward. We had only good times when together and are well matched, but he couldn’t get over himself. He recently contacted me again and I agreed to dinner. He seemed changed, but I was wary. Next day, called when he said & took me on a movie date – just a proper date to show that he wasn’t just after sex. Next day asked if I’d be home after work (we have never lived together). Next day gave me a key to his house. Calls every day and has jumped in with both feet. In the 2 mos I didn’t have contact with him, he cleaned out and redid his house & lost weight. He seems to have gone through some sort of transition and change of heart. I stood my ground and was willing to let it go if it wasn’t right. If it can’t be right in the beginning, easy stage, how the hell can you expect it to be right when it gets messy with day to day life? Now my problem is to accept what is now instead of worrying based on the past, yet keeping my eyes fully and truly open. Is it really possible for someone to have a true change of heart?
I believe it is possible to rebuild trust, which is what is lost with the flaky behavior most of these guys offer. But rebuilding trust is a long, difficult and constant process. I believe if a person has an epiphany and truly realizes the damage they have done to the trust, AND truly wishes to repair said damage AND truly is willing and capable to work on being trustworthy on a daily basis, forever, then sure, someone can have a change of character / change of heart.
The person who has lost the trust, the one in the position of trying to accept the ” change of heart” almost has to be the more mature one in this situation. They have to be careful to not be overly suspicious and super hard arse critical, always looking for / expecting trouble ( that would be my problem ! ) Its like, because of the history, you have to walk a fine and difficult line of self protection; being wary and trusting.
Hello everyone,
It’s been nearly 2 months. I’ve managed to maintain NC, and I don’t have the urge to txt/call him. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t think of him all the time. It’s so annoying…one minute I miss him terribly..the next- I hate him with all of my heart and body. It’s really confusing and exhausting. I really wish I could forgive, move on and forget that he even exists. But we have all gone through the same experience of being taken for granted, used, abused, humiliated, that it is so difficult to just forget it. I kinda feel like I urgently have to meet someone new, in order to forget about the AC. As much as I try to keep myself busy, I just can’t seem to forget about him. And I think the only thing that can help me take my mind off him is someone else. I know that’s wrong…but I suppose in a way you understand. It’s like a horrible never-ending cycle… I am ok being on my own…but how can I forget him unless someone takes my mind off him? Will I ever be able to stop feeling this way, missing him and yet hating him!? 🙁
Thank you aphrogirl. I was lucky in he never was nasty, tried to blame me, or cheated. I know only time will tell. I would like to hear from others about learning to trust again in general after bad relationships. Right now, I just self-talk every time doubts creep in and tell myself not to go down negative street. I’m also determined to keep it real and view through true eyes, not wishful thinking. More than ever, I believe that no matter what we want or potential we see, unless the man is willing to jump in with both feet, your love & efforts are for naught.
.-= Terry´s last blog ..Prisoner Makes Unusual Request =-.
Well I survived the 1st week back at work but it was a nightmare!
My X had set some sort if expectation up for himself. That being
“if I don’t try to make contact on our two weeks off when she comes back we can start to either talk a little or be friends”
He tried doing the big happy smiley “hi” I ignored him. Then Friday he had a wobbly. I was walking toward my desk, my 1st clue was the filthy look I got from him as he sharply changed direction from me. Got to my desk and recieved a txt. The short version of it was pretty much “unless you select either being my friend or make small talk with me at work then you can no longer have contact with my family”
*sigh* he also said I was to reply to his message. 4 hours later I recieved another one calling me immature, childlish stuff like.
Anyway, I’ll let his family no that I’ve been asked to cease contact, I guess it’s one last thing for him to use over me.
I thought it was just me-that although I have not made any contact, I am still obsessing and having imaginary conversations with someone who left me. I don’t do it as much as I did a few months back, but I have yet to figure out why I can’t turn off my thoughts.
I read something recently “hurt people hurt people.” I am convinced that so many of these ACs are hurt people, and unfortunately they continue to wreck havoc on so many lives.
Will someone w/experience doing NO CONTACT please HELP? I have a simple question. I am ready to start no contact for ME, to get MYSELF back, to stop the obsessing, depression, and anxiety from this bs I’ve been doing with this guy for 8 years. I know he is EU and will never change. MY QUESTION IS: do you think it’s better to TELL HIM WHY I WILL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN before starting no contact or SIMPLY NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN? I don’t know what would be best to make him stay away from me. No matter what I’ve done in the past he keeps coming back and will not leave me alone. Please, this is very important to me, if you have advice it would be much appreciated.
Right on, NML! Pain sucks, but it doesn’t kill you.
@GymBunny-Please, please, please do not contact him to tell him why you will talk to him again. Do not contact him for anything. He keeps coming back because you keep responding, and not just responding but giving him a positive response. You are under no obligation to provide him with any kind of explanation as to why you no longer want to have anything to do with someone who does not care about you. Whatever conclusions he draws about the NC will be up to him.
You say you don’t know what would be best to make him stay away from you. Change your phone numbers, home phone and cell phones. (Yes, it will cost money, but it will be money well spent.) Get a new email address. If you are on social networking sites (MySpace, Facebook, etc.) at least make your info private (where you won’t even come up in any searches) but better yet, delete your info. You can always get a new account and notify the people that you want to contact you on an individual basis. Do not give any of the people in your social circle your new contact info if you think they will give your new contact info to your ex. Is it possible for you to move? If you have been doing this dance for 8 years, it will not be easy to get him out of your life, nor will it be painless. However, you are in pain now, so could getting him out of your life be worse? Think long term, not short term.
Lastly consider therapy-I went to therapy, and it was very helpful. I am still going to counseling sessions, but I am in a much better place than when I started.
I wish you peace.
GymBunny–
Don’t tell him. It will fall on deaf ears. Just choose NC and stick to it! He’ll eventually get the picture and leave you alone.
GymBunny, he keeps coming back because you two have been dancing this dance for 8 years, he is used for the door to being open.
Don’t tell him, just go NC and ignore, don’t let him wear you down and you end up responding and this dance will continue.
He will eventually stop, look out for yourself and don’t care what he thinks or wants.
Dear NML and the other Ladies:
I found that finding a solid support group or other friends that have moved on can be an excellent tool to help you get through those weak moments that will come up, especially if you’ve been in the relationship along time. Put yourself “First”!!! It might sound selfish,but you have to become your own best friend. In my case I can’t change all contact info just because of my business, I’ve been reading alot about being assertive and dealing with controlling people as well as taking your power back.
To three WONDERFUL women PENNY, USED, & ASTELLE, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I needed to hear that it’s OK to do NC without giving AC any explanation. You all advised against explanation. You are right, if I give the explanation I’ll get sucked back in. Borrowing an expression from Kathy Griffin, HE CAN SUCK IT! It doesn’t matter what he thinks of me anymore. He lives 3 blocks away from me. He goes to MY gym, a few years ago he started going to the gym that I’ve been a member of for 15 years. So I will see him around but I STILL don’t owe him an explantion. If I see him I will be polite but refuse to say anything other than hello. THANK YOU AGAIN, I have a plan now. I want a real relationship with a real man! 🙂
Hello @Trinity!
Once boundaries had been crossed with my EUM, I naively believed that I could be friends with him after he hurt me not once, but twice. I’ve come to find out that for me, that’s not possible.
It’s not only incredibly draining to have to see him, but also exhausting to have to put on a game face and be professional 5 days a week. This whole week at work, I’ve been ignoring him in our meetings and I’ve avoided looking at him.
I am fortunate in my situation in that our company is letting my EUM move to another state at the end of this month, so this will help to alleviate a lot of the stress I have been feeling the past 14 months at work. Funny thing about all this is that I feel like I should be jumping up and down for joy that I won’t have to see him, yet why do I continually cry at night? Once he moves, I will be removing his number from my cell and am seriously contemplating de-friending him on Facebook. I don’t want to know if he gets back together with his ex-girlfriend or finds someone new. That will be one of the most hurtful things to see. I’ve also decided that I will not be attending his going away party that some of my coworkers are organizing nor will I be at work on his last day in the office. Instead, I am going to take that time to pamper myself.
I just had my first therapy session last week and it was the greatest thing I could do for myself. It’s not an overnight miracle, but it is the first step toward moving on with my life-therapy and NC.
@GymBunny – You can do it-you can recover from this relationship and go on to rebuild your life. It will not be easy, but it can be done. You will be so much better for getting this person out of your life.
You say he joined the gym where you have been a member for 15 years, so you will only say “hello” to him. Please consider joining another gym. Yes, you may have to pay money to get out of a contract, but like changing your phone numbers, money well spent. At a new gym, you may meet some new friends, people who are not in your current social circle that will allow you to begin working on the next phase of your life. Even saying hello when you are in the early stages of NC could be dangerous to you. All these ACs need is the tiniest sign of weakness, and they will then proceed with worming their way back into your life. We women think we need to be polite and speak to these ACs-men don’t feel a need to be polite. If this man has been creating havoc in your life 8 years, you owe him not one single thing-even a hello.
You can do it!!
GymBunny–
I am with Penny: no hellos. A hello = contact = bad.
You could try the “no hellos, no contact at all” for a while, and then switch gyms. Do things in steps, as part of your transition. Makes things easier, overall, too.
We are brave women that go through all the major dramas of life, yet these stupid wasteful relationships can leave us devastated. Sometimes faking it until you can make it is the best remedy. Having to put on that “game face” and be mom, worker, friend, relative is very healing. It forces us to live our lives and recognize that our worth isn’t just one man. Getting busy and committed to activities and self improvement leaves less time to obsess and sulk. I find instead of trying to get over a him, I usually really need to get over myself. I wonder why it’s always easier to see this stuff in hindsight?
.-= Terry´s last blog ..Prisoner Makes Unusual Request =-.
After reading the no contact rule I’ve bit the bullet and changed my phone number and feel so much better for doing it newyear new start for me! thankyou no more being a mug! I think I just loved the drama and the bit of attention i’m worth more than a few crumbs NC from now on wasted enough time and emotion’s on him now to focus on me.
Terry wrote “I find instead of trying to get over a him, I usually really need to get over myself. I wonder why it’s always easier to see this stuff in hindsight?”
hahaha funny and a great point, I know I have been depressed, wallowing, trying to understand how could somebody be so cruel to me, bla bla bla, Being kinda optimistic by nature I go to bed every night expecting that I will magically wake up the next morning and be out of the funk… but the New Year is making me realize I gotta put way more focused effort into getting out and DOING more than thinking and reasoning and licking my wounds.
Yup, staying in contact with good people, especially those who know nothing about my wallowing, having healthy pursuits outside of my house, doing some physical things for me to get healthier..these are things I need to do every day to recover the joy I used to know and get back on track.
Maybe we get so mentally self absorbed and self pitiful after getting out of one of these foolish relationships because we neglected ourselves so badly for so long when we were in them. Like the self absorption is an attempt to rebalance.
Whatever ! I just need to work a bit harder getting out and doing more instead of sitting around thinking.
@Posh-I decided to take the next step earlier than anticipated and erased my ex-EUM’s number off my cell this morning. Although it’s a small step, it feels good that I am taking that step toward healing.
Hello @ Moving on in 2010 🙂
Im lucky that im not curious like a lot of girls seem to be about what is happening, like on facebook. I just steer clear, for me i figure he has hurt me enough so no way do i want to see whats he is up to, i just dont care. He tries to talk loudly when im near by about things or tells one of my friends about stuff so it filters down to me. I just asked them not to tell me. How ego driven to think i want to know? I couldnt care less what he is up to. Your so lucky he is leaving!!! God i wish mine would. I really noticed a huge different when on holidays, i was so much happier. Its true you have to put on that game face. In my post before this one, check out what took place my 1st week back, exhausting (jan 9 post) ! to add further insult to injury i then recieved another txt 4 hours later stating i was immature and childlish!! So i guess he was stewing for about 5 hours! All ive done is tried to move on, steered clear of him as best i can and dont create drama, not mean or anything. I must admit though given ive been only doing NCR for about 9 weeks and broken up for nearly 5 months, i think im doing pretty dam well. The only one that strangely enough seems to be struggling, is him even though he decided to opt out of the relationship. I only cry about once per week now, so im lucky. I do go to councelling though, so hopefully this will help you to 🙂 I feel quite strong and confident in myself right now and i hope you start to feel like that as well. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope this week is going well for you 🙂
@moving on in 2010
I did that to hun first step and found it’s not enough as they can still get you as I found out and not strong enough to not reply in the end just got so fed up with 5am call’s drunk and crying on the phone to me. I thought why am I putting myself though this! Just rang my network the next day before I chickened out lol! and did it changed my number only cost me £10 best £10 i’ve spent! and the weight is off no more hanging waiting for the crumb you have to be strong to do it but I can tell you well worth it and no more restless night waiting for the phone to ring.
Best advice I can give is just change your number the best thing I’ve done
Be strong and do it @ moving on in 2010 you wont regret it.
Good luck. x
I’m so thankful and glad that I found this site last summer. It helped me to understand the problems I had with a man that was EU. I read the articles about NC, and in November I broke with him for the third time, but started immediately NC.
The difference was fantastic! I can’t say it was easy, in fact there were pain and sorrow that I had to go through, but I felt that I finally remembered who I was! It was like I had forgotten who I was, and what values I had, those 19 months that I was involved with him. With NC I feel again the old girl (in fact the young girl) I used to be, who couldn’t accept crap from any man.
I thank you so much, Natalie! For this site and for that wonderful new book, that I even won a free copy of! I love it! It helps me to continue the NC. I feel that I am walking a good road now, and I am looking forward for a good life, with or without a man in my life. I shall take care of me, and put the focus on me, because I am the only person I can ever change.
Wow – I just came across this website and this section on getting trapped by your own feelings hit me like a punch in the stomach. This is exactly what I’ve been doing. I was in a brief, intense relationship 8 years ago. He was charming, overly romantic in the beginning – I wasn’t even that interested initially but he won me over w/his persistence and charm. Then as soon as he had me he started pulling back, making excuses, acting really strange. Long story short he went on a holiday to India (his home country) and came back with a wife! Arranged marriage – he met her two days before the wedding. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. Worst thing was that he proceeded to continue to contact me, profess his love for me, tell me he made a huge mistake and I was the love of his life. It took me two years to completely get out of it and establish no contact. So I went on w/life – since then I’ve dated a few men but no one really special. I had pretty much forgotten my ex and healed (or so I thought). Would occasionally google him but did not have contact for the last 6 years. Then, this year I turned 35, was feeling down about not having found the right guy to settle down with, just not where I want to be in life, and I contacted him in a moment of weakness. I am SO MAD @ myself. At first it was really casual conversation on IM – how are you, where do you work, how’s so and so. Then one day he asked me how my personal life is. I told him I am dating but haven’t met anyone special yet. He then said that he’d divorced his arranged marriage wife after about a year (I actually already knew this from mutual friends) and that he had never married again and is single. Then we started reminiscing about some of the romantic experiences we’d had and he remembered all these details about a certain date that I had actually forgotten. So stupid me reads into this as – wow – he still remembers, he must still care. So then I told him that I never felt the same way about anyone else. Boom. That was enough for him to run away again. Same BS – ignoring me, making excuses about why he hasn’t emailed. I am SO FURIOUS with myself for falling into this trap again. I had really moved on, or so I thought. Why did I contact him again after all this time just to open up the door to getting hurt all over again. Do we really ever get over these things? I was pretty naive when I dated him (he was actually my first sex too to make it worse). I had no idea a human being could be so manipulative and emotionally abusive. This website is a gem and its comforting to know there are other women out there who’ve experienced this – its something that women really need to be taught. We have all this education out there about physical abuse but the emotional abuse can be just as devastating. Thanks for listening.
What a helpful site. Knowing that others are feeling the same pain is validating. I stumbled upon this site and I feel set free. The validation I was seeking is from you ladies. I WAS NOT CRAZY. He is the messed up one. I thought I was dealing with a normal person and was obsessing over his behavior that was incomprehensible to me because, luckliy enough, this was my first encounter with an AC. I feel vindicated that HE is the one F-d up–NOT ME! yay.
Also, we girls must stick together. When you see him with the new girl, pity her… she is just looking for what the rest of us are…she will end up here with the rest of us.
I don’t think my AC means to be an AC… I am sad for him now.. he does want a close relationship…but is unable to have one. I don’t think he even realizes that HE is the reason all his relationships don’t work. He is truly baffled by it.
but… not my problem!
ayup on the EUM obliviousness….handsdown the funniest, and most telling line I heard, in the last meltdown I was willing to put up with was..
” I need to figure out why am I always getting women who are looking for a fixer upper ”
Thing is, we woman who find ourselves with a semi broken down soul will often work to help, thinking we are nurturing someone through a hard time, thinking it is a temporary rough patch and they will be a solid person once they get through the rough time.
But what we really need to pay attention to, very closely, from the beginning, is how stable their foundation is in the first place. A strong foundation is something that has to come from one’s core beliefs, thoughts, desire and abilities to work to be solid.
The shaky foundation in the form of the EUM was pretty destabilizing to me… and I thought my house was in order. But he did make me shore up my own foundations and reinforce all my beliefs in what is important to me. Now I am working to not be so angry with him and sad for him.
I believe when the student is ready the teacher appears!!! This website has been my teacher and I am sooooo ready for a change. I am thankful for all the insite. I have spent too much time picking myself apart and thinking, if I didn’t say this or that or if I should of called or not called. It always seemed that their was something I was doing to change the dynamic. I realize now, that a eum/ac is….just that. I am successful, independant, attractive women, who choose to be with these people because of my own issues. I can’t be any more thankful for learning to get off my ass and start doing things that make my life happy and more fulfilling.The nc rule is going to be good, hopefully. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of having two of them back to back. One being and alcholic and the other a workaholic. I know it is easy ladies to believe that they aren’t capable of loving or somehow they are a wounded puppy that needs rescuing. The truth is they are capable but chose NOT to be, at least with you/me. I think the most important part of this is for me to stay focused on ME!!! and stop accepting blame for things I now know are not my fault. If only….blah blah…blah!!! I would like to live in their perfect world, hahaha…they can’t possible believe that they do no wrong. I see that it is all manipulation and I never realized that I had a low self asteem but I obviously must. To be willing to accept such crumbs and act like I am getting the whole pie. Silly girl, I am embarrassed to have been such a fool. I used to think that because I would say, “That is unacceptable” and thought I had some dignity but saying it and doing something about it are two totally different things. I agree no explanation is needed, that is huge for me. I always had the desire to be the nicer person and explain everything, heaven forbid someone think ill of me. But I am hopefully learning because of this site, that the only way to be that good person is to truly love myself enough and accept that people are what they are and not what we HOPE they will be.
I know that i will have a hard time at first but i decided to block ac/eum from my cell phone, at least that will help me to stay strong and not accept his calls. Which i may add run hot and cold. Its so interesting to me that so many people are in my boat. Thank u ladies for sharing you stories they really are helpful.
It seems that everytime I say to myself this is it, I deserve better, all he has to do is call and I am on the phone all gooey. Whats with that? I then think oh, he must really miss me and realise how good I am. I really want to get through this. I believe with the help of this site and me trying to stay focused on me and focusing on how much better my life will be, i am going to make it. Thank you all….I am humbled by this reality, that it is ME. I think I have to understand that it is not that if I love him enough or I say nothing and go with his program that this will work out. I need to accept that it won’t no matter what i do and when he finally does call and blames me something, I need to understand that it is NOT me needing to be more understanding. It is him having no regard for me and my feelings. So I am on day #1 of the ncr. The road seems long right now but I must have faith in this site and all you ladies that nc and no explanation is the right thing for me to do. He wll think what he wants with an explanation or not. My prayers are with all of you and my congraduations to the ones who have already made it!!! I hope that I will be on the other side looking back with a rich full happy life, again!!!
Definitely in your boat!! I’m still in the random text and random facebook message phase, and actually still in denial that we are actually no longer together. we’ve broken up plenty times in the past, but this is the first time i even LOOKED at sites like this. Because I think deep inside, I know its over. I have been OBSESSED with him for almost ten years but Jeez…SO MUCH BAGGAGE that only came up right before we’re getting married. As I said in my blog, I pray either he CHANGES (cmon..) or that I WILL BE OK. I think the No Contact Rule is step one =)
.-= Trippy´s last blog ..and on other things… =-.
No one should underestimate the pain of loving the wrong person, and not being able to tear yourself from them.