One of the things that you will hear me repeatedly state when talking about relationships is:
Actions always speak louder than words.
You’ll realise if you have an ongoing pattern of being involved in dubious relationships with dubious men, that you buy too much into words and illusion, without paying too much attention to action.
This shouldn’t be a surprise to you if you have found that you struggle to let go of what you believed the relationship to be even in the face of real, hardcore evidence that says that he is not what you believed. We will often find when we are involved in these poor relationships that we spend too much time betting on potential and also projecting our idea of what we think they are or what the relationship could be.
What all of this suggests is that in order to find personal happiness, nevermind happiness within a relationship with another person, we must learn how to get real with ourselves.
Whilst I don’t doubt that it can be hard to let go of what we believed someone to be or what we thought we had, the unfortunate truth is that it only exists in your head – this was something I talked about more extensively in a recent post about letting go of relationships that don’t exist.
At some point you have to decide if you want to put your feet on planet earth and get living, or whether you want to spend an extended period in purgatory thinking about ‘coulda, woulda shoulda’ and ‘if’s, but’s, and maybe’s’ because you refuse to accept the reality of the person you are dealing with, the relationship you had or didn’t have, and the reality of any issues that you may have.
Acceptance and often the change that results from it can be uncomfortable, especially when we have to face truths about ourselves, but if you’re stalling on letting go of the illusion, it’s time to start asking what the trade off is for you in continuing to delude yourself.
What is it about the illusion of the relationship, him, or yourself that works for you?
What truths do you avoid?
The reality is though, as many of you have discovered, it doesn’t matter how much you pretend and avoid the truth because it doesn’t change the reality and it only prolongs the agony.
You’re dodging an inevitable bullet and the inevitable pain that follows.
We have to stop obsessing about how wonderful things were in the beginning and look at the entire relationship and his consistent behaviour.
We have to stop saying ‘but he said…’ or ‘Why would someone say x when he really meant y?’ or ‘I don’t say things I don’t mean so he shouldn’t..’
There are times when we need to recognise that if everyone, especially assclowns and Mr Unavailables told us the whole truth and nothing but the truth, they wouldn’t get to take advantage and do what suits them.
You’re getting information on a need to know basis.
That, and there are also many women who hear but don’t listen anyway, and suffer with I Can Change Him syndrome…
As I said in my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl about men who cheat:
“Unless your guy is brutally honest (which would mean you’re suffering with a case of bad hearing), most cheats, whether they have a girlfriend or are married, are not going to say:
The reason I am with you is because I fancy you, I want to screw you, I want to talk about myself and have you on tap when it suits, and then skip on home to my wife/girlfriend. I like you but I don’t like you enough to sort my shit out and then come back when I’m done because I don’t like you in that way. “
When you keep asking your guy if and when he’s going to leave his wife, consider this: what the hell would you do if he said “I’m not leaving her”?
If he was leaving, he would have left and if you have to keep asking, you should be putting aside what is being said and realise, he’s not leaving.
It took a few more years after we broke up before the guy who cheated on his girlfriend with me left her – luckily I did not wait around! In the meantime, more women went where I had been and reprised my role as The Other Woman…
Likewise, a guy who doesn’t want to endanger his shag, ego stroke, and the security blanket of knowing that there is at least one woman out there that wants him, especially if he hasn’t lined up someone else to leap to, isn’t going to burn all of his bridges with you by being truthful.
This is why you need to improve your self-esteem and ensure that you engage with people who add positively to your life rather than detract from it. When you’re focused on your real happiness, you’ll be more aware of when people seek to blow a lot of hot air and cloak you in their illusion plus you won’t seek to project your own illusions on to them.
Ultimately, you have to be the more mature one and empower yourself so that you’re in control of your own life. You should want to be around people of substance that don’t just talk a fine line but are full of actions that reflect what they’re saying.
Nobody should be able to tell you that the sky is hot pink when it’s blue because you need to be real about what’s real. Likewise, you need to be action focused and when words and actions don’t match, YOU must take action.
Your thoughts?
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I have to constantly tell myself that actions speak louder than words!! the latest ploy from my ex EUM to reel me back in was in an e-mail saying he wanted to finally committ to me with a view of having children together in a couple of years (this is after 2 1/2 years of him repeatedly ending our relationship/saying he would never settle down with one women/or a women like me, cheating on me, lying to me (about everything, even small things) being abusive to me/flying into rages when drunk, me moving in with him & then of course moving out!! and then a further 8 months of me trying to get my sh*t together and getting on with my life with him not letting me & refusing to leave me alone!!) anyway these were his words in his latest e-mail but believe his actions did not match!!! yet again I got carried away with the depth of what he was proposing (pure fantasy on my part I know!) and I went on to get my fingers burnt for what feels like the thousanth time, yet again!! -he could only last 2 weeks with this grand jesture before he started exibiting his usual distant/abusive behaviour – his actions and words NEVER match, in fact he is always huge on big gestures to reel me back in and will say anything to get me back under his control – saddest thing is, I can clearly see what is happenning and I do my best to keep away, yet keep going back (?) – just too hurt myself all over again, somedays I am so strong and can clearly see him for what he is (mainly a narcissistic arrogant user) , but he then wears me down again & I am back to square one (its exhausting) in the back of my head what keeps me stuck is the fact that he keeps coming back & professing his love for me, (its been 8 months since I moved out) – yet he still keeps coming back, yes his behaviour never changes, but why keep doing this to me & saying he loves me???? -gosh think I need to go back and read every post on this site all over again.
This is such a timely post. Starting talking to someone online (I know NML is not the biggest fan of online dating) and eventually we ended up talking on the phone. He agreed to meet whenever I was “comfortable” with him. So finally, I told him I was ready to meet “face to face” and what happened? Nothing!! We both posted pictures of ourselves on the website so it’s not like we didn’t know what one another looked like, but he never seemed to want to meet. I stopped communicating with him and the out of the blue, I receive any email asking how I am doing? Instead of reading anything into that email regarding why he contacted me again, I did nothing. No reply, no contact. Worked for me.
This is also a timely post for me too. I found myself attracted to my personal trainer at the gym and he initiated wanting to hang out outside the gym. We did and then when it came to hang out again he flaked out on me. Instead of me getting caught up in the why’s, how’s I decided to let his actions speak for themselves. It took a whole lot of pressure off of me to try to continue something that never was in the first place. You can only follow by a person’s actions and having been a fallback girl I found myself immediately trying to explain away his behavior and justify it. But I was able to stop myself before that line of thinking got me into deep into something where it didn’t matter what the how’s and why’s were only the actions behind his words. It’s saving me a lot of heartache. Thank You NML for this website!
This is timely for me too…my EUM reappeared yesterday and my first feelings were happiness. Then my mind started again and a full fantasy reconciliation was in full flow. I have had to stop this in mid flow though my ‘natural’ inclination is to go there again. It as though I am in denial – its hard to see through the fantasy clouds to the reality behind the situation. That is before he disappeared, he didn’t come through for me, I was part of his harem and everything was on his terms…I felt sad but relief when he had gone. After a while though I found that the memory of the bad things had gone…and I could only remember the nice times…does anyone else find this? This is why its so easy to get dragged back in maybe…
Yes…..remembering every nice gesture seems far easier to accept then the bad things he’s done. I know I go through that still.
When my exEUM finally stopped trying to contact me (3 months ago) I went into a panic. Like, what the hell do I do now that I’m not getting text messages, etc?…..and I fought long and hard not to rationalize or recreate the need for drama.
The short end of it is this….I’m still NC and I’m slowly seeing what a putz he really is. Rather then seeing him as someone who’s out “playing” all these women, I see him as a sad, lonely, pathetic man who’s unable to connect to others. He’s not able to provide me with the respect I deserve nor able to maintain a mature relationship (I’m not so sure I am either…. yet). But he’s certainly not my problem to fix.
The article is dead on so thanks for keeping it real NML. That seems to be the only way I digest things…..
Yep ‘metsgirl’.. he is sad, lonely and pathetic. If he has to play games and ly to get your attention for A B C reasons then He has the problem. He has low self esteem, and cannot have a rich and purposeful relationship with anyone, not even with himself. He must be having so much internal negative dramas with himself that he hides beneath all that to escape his pathetic world. Yep he intentionally uses other people to make himself “THE MAN” . Give all these men the flick. Don’t enable his behaviour any longer!
To all you wonderful ladies out, unite and get rid of these pathetic men out of your life and then lock the door to your heart to him forever!
WOW! Wow. Wow.
Exactly. Thanks again for the reminder.
T’s last blog post..This is when its hard….
Another amazing post. It’s all so true, it’s funny we don’t realize it when we are caught up in it but after it’s all so clear. Anyways, love the site! Thanks so much and please keep it up 🙂
Thank you, Brad, for explaining the differences between, “need to know” and “need to know.” It is so true about the EUM who is also on the AC side of the spectrum.
I once asked him if he felt like a hypocrite. His response, “No, if you look up the word hypocrisy, it means ______________. I’m not a hypocrite, because I don’t say anything.”
It was at that point that I finally got him. Which meant that I was never going to get him – as in having a real, committed, monogomous relationship with him.
I hope NML knows what an awesome impact her words have on so many women. It’s amazing that one time or another we have all been in similar situations. I passed this website on to my 18 year-old niece so she can be empowered and hopefully make smart choices and avoid some of the mistakes we women have made. Without a doubt, this website has CHANGED my life!!! Thank you NML!
Hilarious,
I went to dinner with one of my eum’s two nights ago, had finished with him two years ago, maintained a friendship and now here he was two years later at dinner professing his love for me, saying he wanted us to be together. And get the proposal!! he doesn’t want a relationship, but wants to experiment! cause he has never had an emotional and sexual connection like the one he had with me (for a moment!) and wants to find it again. he said he expected us to have a right ol’e screaming match then make up!. I told him very calmly(so proud of myself) you are offering me a booty call, you are asking me to open myself up so you can come in and out of my life as you please then dump me for the third time when some one else comes along after I have sexually and emotionally healed you? No, he say’s, we have something, you know we do, we deserve to find out what that is. Holding my hand looking into my eyes then say’s one day I want to have children and I want to be able to have a real relationship. Did I tell you I can’t have children?? so this is obviously with another woman! what a prince hahahaha, today I’m laughing cause I said as I held his hands and looked into his eyes…”no deal, you don’t get my gold, it’s sacred …. I deserve so much more than this crap arrangement you are offering! 🙂
thanks NML for my transformation into a strong woman who did not flinch or feel afraid or angry for a moment as I told my truth, I felt calm and peaceful and thanked him for allowing me to have one of the most honest conversations I had ever had!! I feel like a princess.
he looked like someone with egg on his face and it felt good!
xxx Mmmwwhhhaa…
Great Article…It is amazing how we can see a relationship very differently than it really is! We want to be the nurturer, supportive, and give him his space…when they are really just using us for ego strokes and sex…while telling us something completely different.
Metsgirl…your words are mine…and what is scary…l really think we could be talking about the same guy…my EUM dissed me by the disappearing act a little more than 3 months ago…and your screen name haunts me…and your words “I am starting to see the putz he really is”. He wanted me to believe in the picture he painted…and once I tried to see through the canvass…Gone.
De – your posts are great and good for you for being strong.
NML You help so many people…Thank you. You and the others that post on this site have been very helpful for me.
My casanova was better than anyone I have ever experienced. He has spent his lifetime molding and re-molding himself to whomever’s presence he happens to be in at the time. What he said and did appeared to match up for the most part, for a year and a half, and then when the mask fell, it fell hard, and quick. I was floored at what was underneath. This man I thought had dignity, integrity, honest, and the most self-assured man I had ever met, was nothing of the sort. Nothing. I spent a good year shaking my head, because I could not believe that this person that emerged was the same man. He wasn’t. The man I fell in love with died the day the mask fell, no longer to be ever seen again. He didn’t actually die, because he never existed. He was a fabrication in his mind.
These people are masters at telling you what you want to hear. Not their truth. This man spoke and behaved the way he thought I wanted him too, until the mask fell, then he no longer chose to pretend.
Now that I have separated myself, learned more about myself, and people, I can look back and see some of the signs (red flags), that at the time I shrugged off. Never again.
Open Your Heart to the Love’s last blog post..The Casual Sex Debate – Couldn’t Help But Add My Two Cents
De! Loved your story and good for you! What a sad assclown with a lot a nerve to try to lure you in with the children thing.. if you ever had any doubt that settled it I guess.
Truthhurts,
Thanks 🙂 the children thing was what made me realize it for exactly what it was.. he knows I can’t have children, that was the egg on his face moment and made my mind up forever!!
Oh dear.. i´ve broken No Contact.. I feel almost embarrased to say it here after raving how I was so over him. Well i still am. Mostly.
Anyway, we started emailing and for the first time since a long time he emailed during daytime without hinting at sex or just talking about himself. He almost seemed like a normal person. We very politely and rationally evaluated our past relationship. The relationship ended with him standing me up and we never spoke since so I felt good about this. Finally closure. And just when I think we were kinda done, both concluded that we weren´t right for eachother, that we both had too high expactations etc. etc., he out of the blue asks me if I want to go on holiday with him. Backpacking in Asia of all things!
And here I am again asking WHY? Which page was he on when I was thinking we were nicely bringing the drama to a conclusion? What is he thinking, what does he mean? I am afraid to ask him because he will just tell me what I deep down want to hear. And I am afraid I will put on my rosetinted glasses again..
truthhurts, so what did you tell him about the trip?
Is the reason you are talking to him again is the tiny hope that he really has changed this time?
You know he hasn’t.
truthhurts – He probably just is between women he feels comfortable enough to travel with, so he thinks…good ole..______ is still in love with me…she’ll come along…she’ll do anything for me…stay away, these AC only get worse. My ex EUM got worse each time I gave him another chance…they are thinking we are pushovers, crazy women who keep breaking up with them, putting up with crumbs…they couldn’t have any respect for us because they know they are treating us like shit…so go NC again if you can…it’s the best way! HUGS>>>>I feel your pain.
Truthhurts, go carefully! I don’t want to be suspicious for you but what kind of guy are you dealing with here? does he fulfill his promises? Is he full of air and then disappears? remember the bad stuff and think of that being on holiday with you. And as someone who wants to believe in love, I hope he comes through for you.
kindest
De
You are in my thoughts, the children thing could be slightly amusing if it was not cruel due to circumstance. How a man could ” forget” the fact that you can’t have children shows his irreverence, he never listened to you.
It is good to be someone who still wants to believe in love, that is what makes love possible. But the manipulative, the arses and the clowns make me realize that some people are so damaged that they are willing to play love like a game and take those unaware down with them. They do not believe in good love, and I found the danger of being with an AC is that his trite take on love brought despair and unhappiness into my life and started to make me doubt my own belief in good love.
I have learned to leave the trite version of love alone and hold fast to the ideals of good love in my own heart. By reading all the stories here I hope that I will be able to spot assclownery if it ever appears in my life again.
I do not use the expression God Bless often, but here De I am truly wishing it for you.
Open Your Heart To The Love: Sad to say this, but your ex-casanova sounds just like my brother. 😐 He can mold himself to fit ANY woman’s dreams. And based on my observations of my brother, casanovas are actually empty inside and looking for something… what it is, who the hell knows. But they leave a LOT in their aftermath and many of them refuse to get help, like my brother. 😐 They blame everyone, especially the women in their lives, for all their woes without looking at themselves and taking responsibility.
As for me, been there and done that with 2 men who I’ve talked about on here before. One was with his (now ex-) girlfriend for 11 years and we messed around very on-and-off during that time {it was THAT kind of friendship (no sex though)}. He dumped her after wasting 11 years of her life, continued messing with me for a couple months afterwards until I finally stopped it because he wouldn’t commit to me, and of course he got a new girlfriend immediately afterwards. I cut him off completely, forgave myself for CHOOSING to continue with him even though he was (and still is) an assclown, and moved on and I’m SO glad I did. (I heard that the loser still asks about me. Whatever.) The 2nd man has been with his girlfriend for 6 years and I fell for his bullshit, i.e. “She doesn’t have sex with me (and by the way, we never had sex either and was trying to get me into bed by saying that), she’s so mean to me, she’s……” (insert bullshit excuses anywhere). 😐 My best friend said something that made the lightbulb go off – she said he was a scumbag for not fighting to keep custody of his kids and always talking bad about their mother. I called him that night and stopped it immediately.
Men like this don’t think about anyone but themselves. They’re co-dependent, vain, narcissistic, and selfish individuals who, when it boils down to it, are all about themselves. It doesn’t matter what persona they present to the world and even in their private relationships because it’s all a bullshit facade.
Keep your heads up ladies. And as usual, thanks again NML for speaking the truth.
Thanks for all your support. I immediately posted here after his email cause I didn´t see this coming. That´s the problem with these EUMs. Even when I thought I was over him, thought I was well prepared to maintain my boundaries and keep the upperhand. Somehow he is so unpredictable and knows so well how to get on my good side that before I knew it I was getting sucked in again. Wondering what he meant, analysing his words.
If there is even the tyniest bit of feelings or hope or illusion left you will allways loose with these guys. Because they will NEVER on their own accord or out of their own sense of decency take your feelings into account. In these kind of relationships you are the only one looking out for you. And if you for some reason at some point aren´t able to fully do so you will get used/betrayed/victimized.
Anyway, I wrote him back saying I don´t have time to waste going out camping with him while I need to be looking for a future husband.
I know, it´s not a flat out rejection…
De, you are right. I am going to visualize him being rude to me, ignoring me, checking out other women, being negative and pitying himself in the Asian jungle. And me feeling utterly alone, rejected and crying in the Asian junge. I must not be kidding myself that he has changed.
Thanks Aphrogirl 🙂
I guess the thing that saddens me the most is that they play on us and we want to believe they care, really care about us. Then their weird psycho tricks of enmeshing us turns around so they can then accuse us of being the sick ones. This has been my most horrific experience and the pain of trying to turn it back around is so energy killing, going over incidents, ‘what did I do to make them think that…why do they hate me so much, I haven’t done anything except be open to possiblity. Trying to remember that before them you were a pretty normal person, ok I know I have my neurosis but to get involved with this kind of man just adds so much fuel to the fire in the end it becomes all consuming and your neurosis becomes something else, something so saddening and maddening. The untangling of truth and lies and manipulations is soul and heart destroying and I know I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. I am winning the battle, sometimes it feels so uphill though when one of them comes back and pretends they are your friend and you put your guard down and then they turn it around and make you the crazy one. I was just accused of being the one in love and wanting him and it wasn’t true..I liked him and somehow that is a sin and they hate you for it and think that gives them permission to become nasty. You back off, they come at you again. I hate it. I don’t want to give up on love and am sad to say goodbye on such bad terms, because they make me the one at fault. Damn it!! Actions and words, words and actions, sometimes none of it makes sense.
I wonder NML if you could talk about ‘enmeshment’ sometime, cause it is a very dangerous place to allow yourself to be put.
peace
Good for you truthurts, yuk, I know that whole checking out other girls thing, ignoring, being rude. You deserve the best and he is not it!!
I too am so grateful for this site, it is from all the stories and good advice that I have gone no contact and one thing that really registered with me was “actions speak louder thatn words”
I started to look at his words as opposed to his actions and realized I had made myself a fully fledged fallback girl.
In our last conversation we had he asked what was the one thing he could change about himself .. I said for me you need to match up your words with your actions they don’t match (I had attempted several times to talk to him about this issue but it fell on deaf ears..)
He then asked if it had always been like that throughout our time of dating .. I said no it was actually good in the beginning.. afterwards I thought I’d given him more amunition to play the next lady that is in his life..
It will be like when I told him I consider him to be an emotional unavailable man he then went on to use this information as an excuse to act the did not to try and change himself.
I too wish you all the best truthhurts.. I know sometimes what a struggle no contact can be and have to fight to kill off the drama queens that lies within…
Well, to finish my story. Thank god my EUM doesn´t take long to expose his true self again. While he was emailing me about going backpacking together I later saw that he at the exact same time was posting very flirty, sexually tinted, comments on a mutul friends facebook.
And he too, just like De´s xEUM had forgotten something import about me that I had told him several times when we were dating. His response when I confronted him with that: “well, I remember most of what you told me”.
With that it ended again and I have not responded and gone back to No Contact. Without a lot of regrets or heartbreak this time. He is what he is, and it just isn´t good enough.
Emotional setback…sharing this to get some insight or to help anyone that may be in the same spot. If you have not read my posts…Was dumped by the disappearing act in january after a relationship with a guy that blew so hot…thought he was open, honest and ‘the one’…our last conversation we spoke on the phone in Jan to plan a visit for the following week and two days later he ignored my texts and calls. I was a mess trying to figure out if I was Played, if any of it was real…or wtf could have happened.
He was recently back in town for a weekend and saw him at a distance. thankfully I was feeling better after almost four months of it being over. Without going into detail – there was no way we could have approached each at the at time but I know he saw me…I found myself praying he would call, checking the phone, wishing I would bump into him on the street and falling back into the ‘old’ terrible confusion and emotional overload of not knowing what really happened, feeling worthless and sad and so forth….He is now gone again, and even after what I have read on this site – again and again – “it” is back. The questions and emotions.
No, I am not dreaming of wanting him back…I wish I could have some concrete fact of what really happened, what he is doing now or what sparked the immediate dismissal without explanation like I was street trash.
I understand the No Contact Rule, although I need to tell you…the disappearing act played on me has been pretty tough. I still believe that people do need that last call for closure even if they are ass clowns.
That was my problem with my ex EUM,he used to say he loved me but his actions never matched with his words.He would act like somebody who didnt care by staying days without contact,not iniciating contact,not doing romantic things.But every time I asked he would insist that he loved me.Im on NC with him now(4 weeks today) and he havent tried to contact me and I dont think he will either.I will tell my story.We broke up 5 months ago and right after the break up I emailed him asking if we could keep the contact,he took 3 weeks to answer that email.During those 3 weeks I sent him another email and texts that he ignored.After 3 weeks he sent a email saying we could keep contact.I wasnt much happy for him making me wait 3 weeks for a answer so I didnt send anything back.10 days later he sent me a text for my birthday and since this day on we started to text everyday with him iniciating it(something he havent done for a while in the relationship so I got pretty surprised by it).That went for about 2 months and during that time we would talk about sex too.Because of money reasons I had to stop the texts so we changed to a email every 3 days.I wasnt much sure about the sex and it felt to me like something we not suposed to be doing so I cut it.And his behaviour totaly changed after that,he started emailing every 2 weeks and he wouldnt do the texts that he sometimes did yet.He sent 2 or 3 more emails and said he wanted to stop them a while ago.He said he doesnt like how is now,that he fells he cant express his fellings and say everything he wants anymore and he refuses it has anything to do with the sex being cut.He last emailed me about 2 weeks ago,after 3 weeks and he had put so litle effort in the email that I just decided to go NC.So now Im NC with him,he havent heard from me for 4 weeks now and I havent heard from him for 2 weeks.
in fact, talking about illusion seems an endless subject particularly when we meet in our daily lives some people who creat their own world in an attempt to escape from their reality. this topic reminds me of a play written by an Irish playroght. it is “Juno and the paycock”. it deals with a family whose reality is blurred since it lives below the poverty line, but this is not what im driving at since as the saying goes” poverty is not sin”. this family believed that coming up with a dream world will help it discard the bitter reality, however, it would be plausible if it faces it rather than succumbing the illusioin that will be the main cause which will contribute to its disintegration.
as a matter of fact, i stumble upon many stories in reality like the afore-stated one , but the difference it makes is that peopel tend to grapple with such probems in different ways and the only wise people who succeed to surmount their intolerable reality that is bursting with misery, sadness, dejection, poverty…
Wow! I really liked this post! This website in general has helped me kick my EUM to the curb and deal with all the issues that come up after (what to do when he tries to contact, how to deal with seeing him with another woman, etc) So NML, thanks sooo much!! One suggestion/request, this post (and others) mentions ensuring that your self esteem is high, could you provide tips on what your readers could do to build self esteem? Thanks!
I really like this one!
I’m going through this realization right now with my ex and he’s such an assclown I’m really surprised I didn’t wise up sooner. We were together for 2 years (in a very emotional/abusive/intense relationship) and after a rough breakup (which I intiated) he wanted to have a ‘long distance’ relationship and said he still wants to marry me and have kids in the next couple of years. Becuase I was fighting lonliness (and still am) I agreed. He was in constant contact then out of nowhere he dropped out of site and I freaked out and thought something happened to him. A week or so after waiting for him to give me a sign of life I realized something’s strange about the situation and I found him on a social networking site, online. I was so shocked. It got worse, though. I then found out that he had been communicating with not just one but several girls and trying to have sex with one girl and also a relationship with another.
Well I followed him for a couple days and saw that the girls weren’t responding to him positively and then out of nowhere guess what? An email. Him saying he’s sorry he hasn’t contacted me but some ‘stuff’ has been happening in his life and he needs time alone but he still loves me.
I couldn’t help but laugh. If he only knew that I was aware of his bullshit. Needless to say I didn’t respond and then yesterday he tried calling me when yet another girl didn’t respond to his advances and now I’ve gotten rid of everything that reminds me of him and I’ve been reading this site non-stop to keep me on a positive route of self-realization and change. I take strength in all the articles, comments, and stories…it really gives me a reason to remember that I’m worth much better and don’t need such an assclown.
Here’s to all the woman who have kicked these jackasses to the curb! Cheers 🙂
Really love that you remind women that the ultimate responsibility of their dating lives is completely and utterly 100% in their own hands.
Imagine all the drama we could miss?
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Too bad I didn’t read this months and months ago. Who knows maybe if I did it wouldnt have made much of a difference since I thought that if I loved him enough or if I helped him see the light he would be ok. Even when he told me he was going to leave her- he back tracked. For all you ladies out there who are considering starting a realtionship with a married man i beg you RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION RIGHT AWAY. It’s only going to lead you to misery and heartache-period.
If you conversing with a married man who is telling you how unhappy he is with his marriage-could be true-could be a lie. CLOSE YOUR EARS AND RUN. Don’t be his shoulder to cry on. Tell him to go talk to his clergy, go get a therapist, talk to his wife-ANYONE but you. Listen to these men and their tales of woe is only going to possible suck you into caring about him. Point is you shouldn’t be talking to him about marriage problems, their his issues to deal with. And heaven forbid if you are in a relationship beleive me when I say this-you can’t “fix” him, and don’t think that if you “love him enough” that this will be the catalyist for him to leave her. NOT going to happen. Also, consider this why are you lowering yourself to even be involved with a married man in the first place????? That says a lot about you as a person. Why would you do that? Ask yourself this. You may be suprised to hear the answer. Then take that info and go seek help yourself. Redirect your energy on you -where it belongs and not someone else’s husband no matter what sob story they tell you. I made the mistake. After I found out I was already in very deep and in love. Once I found out I gave him the ultimatium and of course it came to pass and he stayed with her. Now I am left picking up the pieces of my own shattered hopes. And I am moving on with my life which DOESN’T include waiting for him to sort out his life. Cause it just ain’t gonna happen. I finally faced that reality.
SO I am begging you please-if you know they are married run. If you find out they are married -run as quickly as possible- 🙂 Please learn from my expierience-save yourself.
hello everyone
i’ve been seeing my boyfriend for eight months and it was amazing to start with. i had just broken up from a long term relationship when he ‘rescued’ me, i was in bits (i ended my previous relationship but it was after a lot of heartache) and he was a shoulder to cry on.
we started dating and he made me feel so amazing, beautiful, he would lavish compliments and wine, food on me, be spontaneous and sexy. i was hooked big time.
but then around two to three months in, we had sex and that was amazing too, he began talking a lot of his ex-girlfriends. all of them had done him wrong in some way, he didn’t really have anything nice to say about any of them. the only one of them still in his life was his long term ex-gf who was a mate of his. i hadn’t got a problem with this but i could see that he often tried to make me jealous though telling me how much he spoke to her. i didn’t bite though because i’m not the jealous type.
to cut a long story short, his ex-gf is no longer his friend because she has tried to contact me via email and facebook to tell me to be careful, not to give this guy everything because she had a nervous breakdown and he left her for another woman. i felt sorry for this girl but never thought he would treat me in the same way as he treated her. i guess all women think they’re going to be the special one. i bought it.
these days we are still seeing each other and he has spoken of me moving in with him but it seems like (typical of our relationship full stop) that it would be all on his terms. there’s no room for any of my stuff because his house is a tip and i’ve made it clear i won’t move in until some serious decorating happens (which i’ve offered to help with).
i’m not holding my breath as it’s been ages and he says how much he loves me and wants a future with me but nothing seems to happen. he says a lot of weird stuff too. we can be having a perfectly normal conversation then he might say ‘i need to get inside your head, you won’t let me in though’. that weirded me out!
i’m still in love with the guy i met at the start of the relationship, the one who made me feel good about myself again but right now i don’t feel so good because he doesn’t seem to make a lot of effort. he also seems to be chipping away at my self-esteem, i used to be a lot more confident but i feel pretty low sometimes. i know i need to break free but i can understand how this type of ‘love’ is really addictive.
Kx