Last Thursday I wrote about Women Who Talk (& Think) Too Much and how it was a complete waste of our time which as a result of the comments led into another post about why many women don’t enjoy a healthy relationship.
Aside from the consistent theme of giving fairly decent guys a hard time because of in built relationship patterns and then rationalising the treatment by saying that it’s not as bad as what an ex partner had done, the other consistent theme was the unsurprising lack of self love.
One reader in particular, Blaise Parker asked:
“HOW do you deal? I mean, HOW do you love yourself? So many people tell us to do it, but no one tells us HOW, really, truly, HOW step by step.
Obviously we are emotional babies, I mean as far as our level of growth, because we keep getting in these stupid situations.
And for most of us, our parents were no help in guiding us. So somehow we must be shown how to love ourselves.
And no, affirmations will not cut it.”I’m not going to do chapter and verse on it here as not only would a post far from cover it but the issue of self-love is talked about extensively in Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl and in the emotional wellbeing and personal development sections amongst others.
The whole issue of habitually pursuing, engaging in, and opting to stay in poor relationships is about a lack of self love.
The issue of even when you are out of a poor relationship but still treating yourself poorly is about lack of self love.
The issue of taking up with a new guy and not being able to be happy and still not opting out is about a lack of self love.
But back to the question of how to truly love yourself and of course I have no choice but to be real with you:
It takes more than reading books or reading anything to truly love yourself. It takes YOU. Everything else is a catalyst, a handy running mate, a light to guide you but if you don’t want to be galvanised, you keep running off the beaten track, or the lights are on but nobody’s home, YOU are holding you back.
If you aren’t on board with you and still haven’t decided to make the commitment to your own happiness rather than committing to the misery, you are more comfortable with the uncomfortableness of your misery.
How do I know? Because I have been there.
I didn’t wake up one day and think ‘I love myself’ but the day I decided to start treating myself well in every respect and committed to me was the day my life changed. My health was in the toilet, I was told I’d be on steroids for life, I’d ditched another Mr Unavailable, I had daddy issues, mama issues, every issue, and suddenly it occurred to me that if I was waiting for everything else around me to change and suddenly put me at one with myself and the world, I was in for an eternal wait.
And let me emphasise again – We have to stop looking for instant fixes, instant solutions, instant highs and realise that this process is ongoing. You don’t read this today and love yourself to death by 8pm this evening and so much like when we can’t deal with the short term feelings of being broken up with someone, we need to realise that you are making a commitment to you – this is a beginning and everything you do once you start on the path is about feeding into a positive place and depleting the negative resources.
Get more positive and it outweighs the negative.
I made myself responsible for my own happiness which put me in the position of taking care of myself and loving me. I challenged what I had believed about myself and confronted these things and realised that I was carrying a lot of negative crap around about myself. A lot of negative, false crap.
Yes my father had in some respects ‘abandoned me’ but that wasn’t because there was something unlovable about me; it was because he had made poor choices, screwed up, and probably not handled things in the maturest of ways. Not all men were like my father although I noted that if I kept going the way I was, I’d keep getting that familiar daddy feeling…
Yes I had a fraught relationship with my mother and the knock on effect was not liking myself a lot, thinking that there were unlovable things about me, and believing that I had to validate myself with men, but I had to ask myself if it was possible that my mother was wrong, had projected some insecurities and resentment on me, and had in many respects repeated her own negative pattern that was drilled into her with me.
That was a scary thought because I realised that if I didn’t get a handle on myself, I’d be repeating the pattern and passing it on. Did I want to mimic my parental relationships with my partners and future children? Hell no!
I could list countless things just about my parental relationships but I will say this:
I suddenly felt very tired and when I confronted how I felt about them and my experiences, I felt profound sadness and deep hurt that were no doubt colouring my view of the world.
I was carrying around a lot of dead weight and I’m not sure what I expected to happen or what I even wanted to do with it, but whatever I had been feeling and doing was not benefiting me.
I remember lying on a bed at my kinesiologist’s and her saying that my parents were not infallible and that I need to make a decision to forgive. Initially I felt confused by the fact that she was even bringing up my parents when I’d thought I’d be getting an allergy check, but as I faced the feelings I had hid from, I realised that I had a right to be angry, a right to be hurt, but that at some point I had to let go, forgive, and move on. I was riddled inside with pain, hurt, resentment, and many things unforgiven. It was like an unleashing of years of tears and feelings.
But whilst it is hard to let go and feel the pain, it’s not that hard because I realised that if I’m not going to like and love me, nobody else will and that in itself is a starting place.
I paid attention to when I felt good and paid even more attention to when I felt bad and I opted out. This meant that I didn’t surround myself with certain friends any longer who tended to steal my wind and reinforce negativity but it also meant that my opt out time for relationships shrank from months or years down to about 3 weeks.
I accepted my mother for who she is, faults, funny quirks and all. I’d grown up thinking it was just my mum that drove me insane whilst everyone else’s was perfect, and there are millions just like her, but just one of her. I decided this is who she is and that she’s not going to change and removed the power that she had to upset me because I recognise some of the things she says and does for what they are. Yes she pisses me off sometimes, but I have developed a great filter that tunes out about 90% of the stuff that used to reduce me to rubble. If she annoys me, I withdraw. I don’t let her take up a lot of my airtime and drain me, and I don’t make her problems my problems and because my own life and self-love has evolved, our relationship has a lot more positive elements to it. It is pivotal that you don’t give people the power to dent how you feel about yourself.
And yes, on a number of occasions I have called her on her comments and behaviour, something I find liberating and that she finds uncomfortable but that also help her to establish boundaries with me. A key thing that I find, as women who aren’t loving ourselves too well, is that we don’t know how to define and enforce boundaries and we don’t say when people cross the line. We forget that if we keep allowing behaviour to pass unchecked, this becomes the established pattern. I’m not going to ride her arse like Zorro on everything that she says but I do have a limit. We’ve had a few unpleasant showdowns (our mothers do love drama or the silent treatment)
but how I feel about myself stays intact and I stick to my guns.
Forgiveness is key. I didn’t labour on it but I decided that I just couldn’t be bothered to give a shit anymore to be quite frank. I can’t change my parents or turn back time so what’s done is done. What I can do is learn from the experience and understand myself better. Some people find that they need to chapter and verse and explore their entire past and bit by bit lay things to rest and that works. For some reason, when I said out loud to myself ‘I forgive my mum and my dad for…’ I liberated myself because I actually meant it. They have their own lives and problems to lead and wasn’t going to waste another moment letting them weigh down my life.
I started actually treating myself well. I enjoyed being me and really enjoyed my life. Instead of focusing on finding a guy or maintaining one, I was just chilling because it occurred to me that I should be enjoying my time, not wasting it hurling myself into negative relationships or expending brain power on some chump assclown who probably wasn’t spending a second thinking about me.
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t secretly hoping that each guy I met might just be ‘The One’. I wasn’t even thinking ahead to the next week which gave me an opportunity to spend time in the present and see the guy for who he really was.
I forgave myself. So I went out with a few assclowns, made some horrible choices and put myself through the wringer. Yes I had bad judgement, yes it would be nice if I could turn back time, but I can’t. I am human, I tried to love (misguidedly) and I screwed up. Does that make me a terrible person? Does that mean I should never trust myself again? Does that mean I should taint everything and never love again? Because if I didn’t forgive myself, that’s what I would have been doing.
So I learned to trust myself. If you trust you, you like you, and you love you, and this is the problem for a lot of women. Screw up a few times and you decide that you don’t know how to trust yourself so instead, you trust the self-fulfilling prophecy, negative patterns, and any guy who says all the right things. This meant:
Going with my gut instinct even if it went against my ‘heart’ or my ‘libido’. I was right every time.
Paying attention to how I felt and behaved around people. I remember dating a guy who made me clam up because he talked about himself so much and was too opinionated. When I accessed who I was around him, I discovered I wasn’t myself.
I avoided making decisions out of insecurity or that were based in fears.
I asked myself if my fear was internal fear or external fear.
Check our part 2 of How I Learned To Love Myself
Your thoughts?
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Thank you so much for answering my question. This has really got me thinking.
*goes for a long walk*
I am trying to re-connect with myself again. After going through a time where I was depending on the guy to make me happy I realised that it was wrong to put so much dependence on them because what if they leave, and they did.
My childhood has probably got to do with the fact I am so dependent. I never had a boyfriend at secondary school, I would keep on with my studies instead,a nd I envied my friends who had guys lining up for them. Turning 18 saw my world open up for me and guys would give me attention – this was new for me and not having ‘love’ in my younger years made me crave it now.
However being with someone for the sake of being with someone is not right. I need to make myself happy and figure out what I want in life for once – so I have decided to concentrate on my final year at University and get the best possible grade. I am still holding onto the idea of a ‘soul mate’ but there is no need to rush, in my opinion. Be happy with yourself and attrack happiness to you.
“If you give someone everything, you will be left with nothing when they leave.”
Amazing.. It all makes total sense.. but to me.. almost seems so overwhelming.
I find myself resistant when I hear about forgiving my parents… I feel if they were better role models.. (parents still married and seriously unhappy and depressed.. dad emotionally unavailable.. mom plays victim role.. and has subsequently been sick most of my life.) I know that that is something I need to work on.. forgiving them. But I still feel so angry.. that is something I need to learn to do I know for my own well being.
I think a LOT of it has to do with living in the moment. I tried an experiment yesterday where I didn’t focus on the past (my unfortunate experience with current ex-EUM and the fact that this is a pattern) and I didn’t worry about the future either.. I went thru my day and brought the focus to NOW.. what I was doing.. moving.. breathing.. looking at.. in the moment.. and ya know what?
I had a great day! I didn’t overanalyze.. or overthink.. I was just me.. in the moment. It took some readjusting..when I felt myself starting to drift toward the past.. or the future.. but it’s amazing how much happier I was when I didn’t think of that stuff.!
I highly recommend it starts with that as a first step..
Give our brains (and our hearts) a vacation for a day and just be in the moment of what is happening around you.
Thank you to everyone out there that is going thru this with me.. My invisible support holding my hand.. helping me not feel so alone.
Holy shit. Thank you SO MUCH for writing this entry today…I am learning to love myself (all over again, mind you) and for something that’s supposed to be so simple and easy, it’s really hard for me to do. But realizing that this is not an overnight fix and allowing myself to evolve is liberating in a way.
Thanks so much…you have no idea how much I appreciate you today.
Thank you for another thought-provoking post. THIS is what I have the most difficult time with. That is so sad. Loving ourselves should be the easiest thing we can do – not the most difficult.
We should trust our instincts. Just this weekend I let myself get put into a situation that I knew I’d prolly be uncomfortable with. I didnt trust my gut. I went and it was actually worse for me than I had thought it would be!
I went with my EUM (who used to be my ex-EUM yea, not good) to see his best friend and his fiance. I know them okay, Well, the entire time we were there they spoke of nothing but their upcoming wedding. The EUM is in the wedding party – all of their mutual friends are coming – and this is something I accidently found out about. I wasn’t invited and here I sit. I felt like an idiot.
What if I were invited? What would I do when one of the EUM’s friends came up to him, slapped him on the back and said – when are you gonna get married?!? Me knowing full well that this guy told me he’d never marry me? omg. Just the thought of it makes me wanna bawl out loud. 🙁
I hope to hell that when the blessed day rolls around that I live in another world. The I-LOVE-ANNIE World. We gotta love ourselves first.
Words to live by. An MD couldn’t have given better advice. Thanks, Natalie!
Thanks, NML, I really think this post is the defining and fundamental message all of us who struggle with EUMs and toxic people need to receive. Your message is timely for me because I am at this stage right at this moment. I have moved on from my ex-EUM, but I am still struggling with the self-love concept. How strange that this simple life recipe is so difficult for me to grasp. Like a lot of you, I didn’t have a good relationship with my father, and my mom tried to overcompensate, etc. etc. I think we all know HOW we got to where we are today–the important thing is how do we learn to love ourselves even though we have “old tapes” playing in our heads telling us we are not worthy of love? I am working on that every day, but it’s been a hard road for me lately.
This is a huge step that we all should take at some point in life . You’ve definitely given me a good framework to get started with. Excellent!
“We have to stop looking for instant fixes, instant solutions, instant highs and realise that this process is ongoing.” AMEN! It’s, as you said, a process which takes time and is ongoing, but it’s so worth it! There are highs and lows, ups and downs, but it’s a journey I’d choose to take again and again.
Nicely done NML!
NML – another great post.
“We’ve had a few unpleasant showdowns (our mothers do love drama or the silent treatment)” — HA!! Perhaps our mothers are related?
My mother is not talking to me because she is mad I didn’t tell her something. It did not concern her in any way and was none of her business. She has gotten away with controlling the entire family all my life (I am 48). I am sick of it. I have had enough. Yet I have this fear and constriction in my chest because at some point I am going to have to interact with her. She will try to punish me in order to regain control. Logically I know all this but the child inside is still afraid. I feel if I can get a handle on this — not allow her to control me and tell me I am wrong about everything – I will have crossed a huge barrier. My entire life has been about pleasing her… giving in to what she wanted. Never mattered to her what I or my sisters wanted. This is my greatest obstacle — to define boundaries with her invading my life and choices and keeping me under control.
Thank you for this post, NML. I have been working on some of the things that you discuss here. I started with things like allowing trusting myself when meeting new people and being in new situations, feeling gratitude towards the people who truly love me, and not participating in situations that don’t feel ‘right’, and setting healthy boundaries with people.
As I was reading your book and website this past year, I also started working on issues with a therapist. Through the sessions I had to basically re-visit my issues from the past, not just rationally by talking about them, but also emotionally. It was when I was able to really face them, and let the all the feelings flow through me, that’s when I started to heal. There was no other way, and it was not something that I was familiar with, but after each session I felt more at peace. It’s like peeling off these emotional layers, and getting to the core, and the closer you get, the more you start to trust yourself, and the transformation happens.
As you mention, it’s about trusting yourself, and not operating out of fear.
We must trust ourselves, and treat *ourselves* first and foremost, with love.
Wow. This freakin spoke to me. Sister you are right on and validating everything I’ve been sharing with my BFF lately. This will help so many women. Thank you. God bless.
This is a great article. You are absolutely right, it’s a choice to love yourself from this day forward and it doesn’t happen overnight — it’s working through your feelings that you were supressing for so long and pretty much acting out through unhealthy relationships; and re-building a healthy foundation for your growth… removing toxic substances and people out of your life, ending shaming cycles, etc… When I first started towards this journey a year or so ago, I ended up buying the book “how to love yourself”… and also delved into forgiveness, read spiritual books etc… Today; I am still learning and growing but so thankful for have invested this year or so of consciously learning how to love myself and being a healthier person in all aspects of my life, I am worth it (and of course everyone is hehe)… forgiveness does not come easy, but the willingness to try to forgive is all you need to get started.
Was just reading this great post.You are probably right.I have had bad experiences with 6-7 EUMs now.I think that somewhere I have become a nervous wreck and have started blaming my shortcomings for my EUMs failure to reciprocate.I have become suspicious,neurotic and many other things that I am not.I do not recognise myself now.I know that all this stems from a lack of self love.Why..how..i don’t know.I do have a lot of childhood emotional baggage though.Probably it is because of that.For the last few years,getting attracted to EUMs and pursuing them relentlessly has become the norm for me.The moment I realise that a relationship will not go beyond the attraction stage because the man is not that into me,I just do not snap out and move on.Instead I start doing all kinds of things to try and make the relationship work until the guy finally has to tell me clearly that I need to get a life..What a tragedy,this.But this has been the pattern of my relationships for sometime now.Today after my most recent EUM episode,my self confidence is at an all time low.Want to move on,but am not able to let go.
Brooke, it is good that you are trying to understand what you are doing. You are on a very self-destructive path and unfortunately, this is mostly of your own creation. You engage in such a high level of fantasy that actually, he’s not part of the equation – he’s just the inspiration for your next set of feelings but you almost don’t need these men around because you’re too busy living in a fantasy world. People can’t reciprocate something that is based on illusion and mostly in your head because you’re not in the real world. To have a half a chance of them reciprocating, you’d need to have both of your feet very firmly in reality. You actively choose men that are not going to reciprocate because how you conduct your life is what works for you. You don’t pursue men who are likely to be interested because you’re not trying to actually have a real relationship. You can’t make a relationship work that doesn’t exist – you have to realise this. You don’t want to let go, which means you don’t want to stop fantasising and putting yourself through this. I really think that you should speak with someone and I hope that you don’t just resign yourself to continuing this pattern of behaviour. What I will say is if this pain continues, you are 100% responsible for it – don’t do that to yourself.