listening to yourself Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 107: Getting Grounded About Intuition and Anxiety

September 14, 2018 By NATALIE 19 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is on the topic of anxiety and intuition. I speak to so many people who feel confused because they’re experiencing anxiety at the same time as their intuition is trying to communicate with them. While working on some new classes about distinguishing intuition from fear and ego, I wrote the following:

“If, for example, you’ve routinely ignored your intuition when dating and in relationships, maybe putting libido, fear of being alone, fear of rejection, avoiding feelings, your lack of self-worth and what you hope to ‘get’ from them ahead of your wellbeing and being authentically you, guess what? You are going to feel afraid the next time you date or are in a relationship regardless of whether they’re similar to the past or are a healthier partner. Those experiences and your responses trained your subconscious to believe that you in a dating or relationship situation equals danger, distress, crying and obsessing for months on end. You can’t exactly blame you for being afraid!”

After sharing this with a few clients this week, I felt inspired to share it with you guys in this deep-dive on the topic.

Some nuggets from the episode:

Anxiety is a call for us to reassure ourselves and/or take action.
Fear (including anxiety) and intuition produce feelings in our body.
Our intuition serves us an impression about something without conscious reasoning and knowledge, but we also need to recognise that we have lots of information filed away in our subconscious. These impressions can be triggered by a sound, mannerism, language, tone, the setting and so much more — we’re just not consciously aware of this. This means that can be good, concrete reasons for sensing something that we’re just quite simply unaware of.
In situations where we’ve routinely ignored ourselves, intuition and anxiety are both right to show up.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves by treating our intuition like a quality controller or fortune teller.
“If you routinely disregard your intuition, although it will still try to communicate with you, it may be difficult to hear it over the chatter of fear.”

“It’s worth considering whether your anxiety is going extra OTT because you don’t typically heed your intuition… Maybe it’s our body’s way of really trying to, in a hyperactive way, force us to pay attention because we haven’t and won’t pay attention to smaller signs.”
Feeling anxious and afraid while dating somebody doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to jump ship, but it does mean that you need to be conscious, aware and present. If you ignore something about the person or the relationship that clearly communicates that you don’t share core values, that you’re incompatible, that it’s an unhealthy situation, anxiety will be there to try to make you take action. Continuing to date or continuing to be in a relationship in the same way that you have previously, doing the same habits that have led you into trouble, will not bode well for your well-being, the relationship or what you truly need and want in the future. That’s what your fear and your intuition are trying to communicate to you.
Sometimes we feel afraid in response to intuition because we’re afraid of what it’s expecting of us. It might be that your fear is requiring you to be something different to who you were in the past.
Sometimes our fear is afraid that we’re going to be who we were before.
Fear [outside of actual danger situations] is often a signifier that you need to get grounded and remember who you are and what you’re doing.

Links mentioned

Next stop

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Recognising Healthy Interactions and Relationships (There’s a simple way to do it)

April 27, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

One of the biggest challenges that we face in our efforts to build meaningful, fulfilling and loving relationships is that–thanks to what might be some pretty painful experiences in our past–we might be unclear about how to recognise healthy relationships and interactions.

Becoming educated about healthy boundaries as well as having greater awareness of what I call code amber and red issues and behaviour are undoubtedly vital, but us humans do have a tendency to become hypervigilant for potential transgressions rather than empowered.

**We quite simply don’t realise how guarded we’re being instead of boundaried.**

We build walls to protect us from our fear of the past happening again (or to assuage our guilt about where we think we royally messed up either through actions or inherent inadequacy). Despite what might be our increased awareness and knowledge, we play Columbo. We also engage in catastrophic thinking and routinely doubt ourselves despite what might be overwhelming evidence that something isn’t right.

If we have increased awareness and knowledge of what constitutes unhealthy behaviour/situations, why do we doubt ourselves?

It’s because we tend to wonder if we’re being needy/dramatic/too sensitive/unreasonable/unfair/psychotic/jumping the gun/judgemental/over-emotional.

It’s like knowing the signs of fire but wondering whether you’re being melodramatic as the place is burning. So many of us have a fear of not only making a mistake but also just straight-up listening to ourselves.

The aim of life isn’t to only listen to ourselves when we’re guaranteed to be right! We have to tune in and be OK with sometimes getting it wrong–vulnerability. Life is on-the-job-training and by listening and learning, we gain personal security and hone our judgement skills. We become happier.

The irony is, of course, that if we’re criticising and doubting ourselves in response to something, it’s a code red alert. Something is very wrong. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the person/situation is shady, but it definitely means that we don’t have our back. We are the feeler of our feelings, thinker of our thoughts and keeper and advocate of our needs and desires. If we’re not listening, no one else can.

Podcast Ep. 99: Listening To Yourself & Knowing When To Call It

October 13, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions I talk about those moments in life where you hear yourself and see something so loud and clear that, even though you don’t know where it’s going to lead, you listen and take action.

I talk about:

>> A close friend who woke up one morning four years ago and knew that she had to end her relationship. She sometimes doubted her choice, especially when the subsequent attempts at online dating proved to be a blowout, but then she did meet the guy who would go on to become her husband.

>> Why having an I started so I’ll finish attitude is bad all round for everyone involved in the decision, not just us.

>> How and why we ignore signs that we’re unhappy including hoping that things will get better or just quite simply being afraid to start over, which can result in us falling out of like with ourselves.

>> The reality that the circumstances in which we originally made a decision can and do change and we have to make the best decision that we can with the information that we have at the time–we have to bet on ourselves.

>> Why we don’t have to hang everything on this one decision because there’s many paths and more up ahead.

>> Why decisions are about commitment including deciding what our intentions and needs are, and how we have to decide with a limited amount of information and do our best to listen to ourselves and bet on us.

>> Two relationships that I ended where it might have initially seemed like these were bad decisions because I wasn’t in a better relationship afterwards, but they were the prelude to starting Baggage Reclaim and meeting Em.

>> Why we’ve got to repeat what works, not what doesn’t and that listening to ourselves takes practice.

>> Why when we’re ready to hear (or see), we’ll hear and it’s the culmination of lots of niggling thoughts giving us the big insight, the big message, but if we keep stalling on making the decisions we need to make (because we’re afraid of making a bigger decision about the next step of our life), life will come along and force us to make the decisions.

>> And…the big decision I’ve made about this being the last episode of the podcast.

Links mentioned

>> Professor Life

>> The right decision doesn’t always feel good

>> Listening to ourselves

>> I Am 40

>> Why we can’t sit on the fence about our decisions

>> Podcast about bereavement and also here

Did you enjoy the show? A little favour…

Over the course of 99 episodes, I’ve tried to encourage listeners to rate the show on iTunes because it’s difficult to be very visible on iTunes if you don’t have a juggernaut behind you, so rating and reviewing the show goes a long way. It takes just a few seconds and you can add a short note if you like. Even though this is the last episode, helping to spread the message of the show still matters, so if you can take a few moments, I’d really appreciate it —how-to guide here.

Thank you!

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Podcast Ep. 78: Emotional Travels With Books, Maxed Out With Stress?, Should I End No Contact?

March 10, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 78, I cover:

Why books can play an important role in our emotional journey: I talk about why we value certain authors, why some stories and subjects touch us deeply, how books are a gateway to new places, other people’s lives and an opportunity to learn about empathy and compassion, and why some people avoid reading because it activates their inner critic.

Why can’t we halt and just be?: I talk about why we don’t seem to recognise how maxed out we are, including not realising that we are over our stress threshold, as well as the negative associations that we have with relaxing including not wanting to appear to be like someone from our past.

‘How did you go about disclosing your emotional baggage to Em, Nat?’: This is a frequently asked question and I realised that so many people think that emotional baggage and our past is something that we almost need to lay out before the relationship proceeds– not the case!

Listener Question: Anonymous in San Francisco wants to know whether she should end her period of enforced No Contact now that she thinks that she’s recognised her part in things.

What I Learned This Week: I had what some would regard as one of the most awkward and emotional conversations one can have and yet, and it reminded me about the combo of authenticity and vulnerability.

Links mentioned in the episode

The book list

The Conscience Wingman

Disclosing your past podcast episode

Disclosing your past blog post

Stress
Listen to the podcast episode below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. Got a topic you’d love me to cover? Let me know!

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

Podcast Ep. 72: ‘Legitimate’ Reasons To Break Up, Navigating Out of Negative Emotional Traffic, Go Hug Yourself

January 20, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 72, I cover:

Which reasons are ‘OK’ to break up with someone for?: So many people struggle with validating their need to end a relationship because it’s as if they believe that their reason isn’t good enough. At the extreme end of things they’re thinking, Would someone else break up with their partner who didn’t want a committed future / was sleeping around / abusing them? I share ten very strong reasons and signs that you are more than justified in breaking up with somebody including:

Your fear of being alone (or starting over or whatever you’re afraid of) is greater than your unhappiness in the relationship.
You’ve become less of who you are.
They’re with someone else.
Because you want to.

Links mentioned

The No Contact Rule

Seeing your way out of negative emotions: It’s critical to our well-being and our emotional development that we learn to sit with our feelings and see our way out of them when we are struck by those that prompt us to want to act out. Earlier this week, after being hangry (hungry and angry), I woke up with a headache, and from there it went downhill. I share key lessons gained from cycling through a range of painful emotions, hearing my ego and inner critic try to draw me into self-destruct, but also hearing some sage words from my inner critic.

Links mentioned

Episode 1 where I share what I learned from being hangry

Episode 2: What’s the baggage behind it?

Not mentioned but work checking out is my How To Self-Soothe Guide

The importance of hugging yourself: It’s National Hug Day tomorrow (had no idea this existed before this week!) and it reminded me about the importance of giving us affection too.

Listener Question: Fran wants to know, Is anyone honest online?

What I Learned This Week: The lessons are gonna come regardless of your circumstances.

Listen to the podcast episode below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

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Podcast Ep. 70: What I Learned In 2016

January 6, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for the first The Baggage Reclaim Sessions episode of 2017.

In episode 70, I share some of the key lessons, sharing personal stories and anecdotes from the year, some that I definitely haven’t talked about before. Topics covered include:

Why life is a teacher.
How a twenty-years-later apology galavanised me to explore pain from my childhood.
You can make plans, but be aware that your plan isn’t necessarily the plan.
Everything comes in useful so even if something doesn’t make sense right now, one day, it will suddenly make sense about why it was important to go through something at the time or how handy something has proved to be.
Out of pain can come unexpected joy.
Don’t make sense out of other people’s nonsense.
- There are things that in theory plenty of us should do if we’re even semi decent and you can break your brain trying to go from here to eternity trying to figure them out.
- Other people’s stuff is never about you, even when it’s your parents–see them as humans first, not put on earth just to work for you.
Surrender and surrender hard.
- Every time I’m trying to be in control, I am not trusting.
- If you’re too busy trying to be up in everyone else’s business or rushing around, you can’t hear you and you can’t be guided.
- If you’re hurting and afraid, surrender some more.
How I managed to have a drama-free Christmas–woooooooohoooooooooo! I talk about how I had to shut down the guilt that kept popping up to make way for the Christmas and New Year I wanted.

Links mentioned

We Must Own Ourselves So That We Stop Giving In To Peer Pressure

October 31, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

I vividly remember my teenage self reassuring me that once I became an adult, I wouldn’t have to contend with peer pressure, that sense of being influenced to change our values, attitudes and behaviours in order to essentially follow the herd so that we are acceptable, liked, and safe from scrutiny.

Peer pressure activates the people pleaser within and pushes the buttons of feelings that based on the past, we associate them with rejection, embarrassment or even humiliation.

As people pleasers, we are trained (and yes have trained ourselves) to put the needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions of others ahead of ours, even if it’s to our detriment. We will significantly inconvenience ourselves and put us in great discomfort just to stop someone from experiencing the discomfort of their own poor boundaries or to protect them from receiving a no.

We often know our values in principle but the moment that we experience the discomfort of saying/showing no whether it’s in actuality or quite simply the thought of doing so, something shuts down and we go into autopilot. It can almost be an out-of-body experience where it feels as if someone else has taken over and we’re not in control. The ‘no’ or what we truly feel or think is frozen and these experiences are often followed by shame.

As a result of peer pressure, we call bullies ‘friends’, go further than we want to on dates, say or show yes when we mean no, hold on to friendships we’ve outgrown, agree to try or do things that we know we don’t want to, pretend to like things that we don’t, forgo the career, interests or passions that we truly desire, and grapple with anxiety, resentment, anger, sadness, depression and loneliness. Yes, after all this peer pressure, we can feel so cut off from who we really are and so afraid of bad consequences that even when we’re surrounded by people, we feel incredibly alone. This will be further accentuated by the self-criticism we batter ourselves with as a result.

Due to how chaotic things could be at home in my teens, falling in with the crowd gave me a level of control, safety and a bit of a boost. I took up smoking at fifteen to appeal to a group of people who I was convinced did not like me. Despite initially hating the taste of alcohol and not liking to feel out of control, I eventually managed to ignore that discomfort because I discovered the confidence boost and escapism it offered me in the toxic relationship wilderness years. But it was drugs that taught me about sticking to my values despite it offering the possibility of rejection.

As the rave and clubbing culture took off, so did usage of ecstasy, speed, coke etc. I was offered drugs many times by friends or even strangers and my insecurity would initially kick in and I would wonder if I should “just do it”, but I would get this feeling–I instinctively knew that it was a bad idea, that I would be in the percentage of people who keel over after trying it, but also that I fundamentally didn’t want to.

Here’s the funny thing: When I felt guilty and insecure about not partaking and as if I was making a judgement about ‘everyone’, I was offered drugs all the time. As soon as I happily owned my decision and stopped carrying on as if I was inferior, incidences became few and far between.

Podcast Ep.29: Accepting Partners For Who They Are, Caught In The Middle, Secret Meanies

May 20, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Jaysus! It’s been a while! After a big ‘ole break, The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast is back!

Here’s what I cover:

How accepting do we need to be of our partners? I talk about finding that middle ground (acceptance) between expecting partners to be perfect and giving up who you are because you’re ‘accepting’ issues that are incompatible with the relationship you want or even with your own basic happiness.

My break. I share on what I learned from having 6 sessions of hypnotherapy and why establishing some new habits prompted me to step back.

‘Nice’ people who are critical and judgmental. It can really mess with you when your partner seems ‘technically’ nice because they do some nice things for you, have ‘rescued’ you, or are “such a good person” that they can show you how to be “better”, but actually, it really isn’t very nice at all.

This week’s listener question is, ‘How do I stop being piggy in the middle with my parents and my sister?’ (I know this situation well!) and I share what I learned this week (well more a habit that I’ve gotten into over the past couple of months that has helped me to reclaim my days and my energy).

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

If you love the podcast and you listen via iTunes, I’d love if you could leave a review as it helps to spread the word about the podcast. And tell your friends–it all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Life’s Trials Reveal A Part of You That You Didn’t Know Existed (& Why I’m On A Break)

April 1, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

In case you hadn’t guessed already, I’m taking a break. I’m currently on the Spanish island of Majorca on our annual holiday and will be taking some more time out on my return so that I can continue to reboot but to also catch up on some behind-the-scenes stuff.

Eleven years ago, I didn’t know, love or like myself very much and it culminated in me being told that there was no cure for the disease that I’ve now been in remission from for ten years as of this month (yay) and that I needed to go on steroids if I didn’t want to keel over by forty. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have kids and as you all know, I was also grappling with woeful taste in relationships and chronically low self-esteem due to the way I saw myself in relation to childhood experiences. I kept looking for love in the wrong places, searching out my father and even my mother in Mr Unavailables.

I’ve been on one hell of a journey since I walked out of the consultants office in August 2005 with my head held high, determined suddenly for the first time in my life, to fight for myself. I needed to get in command of me. I had no clue how I was going to get better or how I was going to improve my life and I’ll be honest, I got home and thought, Oh feck! What the hell do I do now?, but fear of going down a road I’d already been down or never actually living and enjoying the life I’d been given, far outweighed my fear of taking action.

I made a commitment to myself that I must honour for the rest of my days: to love and take care of me.

My life has changed beyond recognition and I have been guided and supported by trusted folk who have stretched and mentored me as well as a wonderful gang of people around the world who have been following my journey at different stages. I am incredibly blessed but do you know what I’ve discovered over this past couple of years in particular? A part of me, which has been revealed as my work has gathered pace and visibility over the years, has been playing it small.

For anyone who still thinks that self-esteem is a destination, I can attest that it’s very much a journey and that along the way, life will throw you pop quizzes, walk the lines, or lots of these all together in your own Road of Trials, where it feels as if you keep being tested and you’re almost going, Are you fecking SERIOUS? Have I not been through enough? I’m still tired from the last go-round! Do I need to remind you about what I went through in childhood or the heartbreak I’ve been through or my last Road of Trials? This is not fair! I’m a good girl. Why can’t you go after someone who does “bad” things?

The thing is, you end up being tested in such a way that you not only learn a hell of a lot along the way that will help you to live and love better in the future or to even cope with whatever the future holds, but you also as a result of going through these trials and tribulations, discover a part of you that you did not know existed. It’s more of you to love.

Podcast Ep.14: Long-Distance Love or Avoidance?, Listen To Your Body, Bullies At Work

December 5, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

The scariest thing about distance is you don't whether they'll miss you or forget about you. The Notebook It’s that time of the week again for The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast.

Here’s what I cover in episode 14:

Why do some people find long-distance relationships especially attractive?: Sometimes long-distance relationships are unavoidable and both parties are endeavouring to close the distance gap asap but sometimes being in a long-distance relationship is the perfect smokescreen to hide emotional unavailability including fears about intimacy and commitment.

Painting a picture of your past position with a parent (or other family member): Sometimes a parent really does not see the same set of events in the way that we do because, well, they were both adult and parent back in the day plus we were experiencing those same things from a child’s perspective. We can become frustrated because we’re assuming that they understand everything that we’re feeling and why, but actually, being vulnerable enough to say, “This is what I felt, this is what I thought was going on, and here’s a few examples of why”, can open up a fresh dialogue and some understanding between you.

Tips for dealing with workplace bullies: I offer up some suggestions for overcoming bullying behaviour at work. Stop seeing these people as strong – they really are not!

Listener Question – How do I deal with the distrust that I now find myself viewing women with after what was a brief but very painful and confusing relationship with my ex? I explain what this distrust is really about.

What Nat Learned This Week: Listening to my body is vital – it provides vital clues about where I’m overdoing it.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Podcast Ep. 7: Keeping Score, Can Men & Women Just Be Friends?, Facing My Fear of Confrontation

October 3, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

keeping score in relationships When I first started Baggage Reclaim, I hoped that I could help at least one person avoid or recover from some of the stuff that I’d been through and that I wished I’d had some guidance on. Ten years on and it’s been amazing and heartwarming to be a part of so many people’s journeys. Starting this new podcast has been a massive emotional stretching curve providing me with a series of learning moments about the perfectionist and pleaser in me but as with starting anything new, you do wonder if it’s making a difference and it’s been great to hear stories of what people have done after the show. After last week’s episode (I’ve only just registered by the way that comments were accidentally turned off – DOH! Apologies!) where I talked about how important it is to be vulnerable and ask for help, one reader who has been unemployed for several months and who was near deathly afraid of asking for help because as a child, asking for it or trying to share her joy in anything was met with disappointment, picked up the phone and accepted help that she’d declined a few months before. This. I’m still grinning for her.

Now, on to this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

Here’s what I cover in episode 7:

Are you in the habit of keeping score?: Keeping a tally of what you do and looking for a return of what you feel is like for like value, isn’t good for relationships and leads to resentment. I talk about why we do it, how it can end up sending the wrong messages and I include suggestions for getting out of the mindset.

We all need self-care: I talk about why having self-care practices or even having a routine, is vital for maintaining your sense of self and being able to survive and thrive even when life comes along with its inevitable bumps. This is the How To Self-Soothe quick guide that I refer to at the end of the show.

Our frustrations with others often point us to something that we need to amend or learn: It can be all too easy to focus our attention on other people’s behaviour but the irony is that we often get annoyed with or even dislike in others, things that we ourselves are also guilty of.

Listener Question – Can men and women just be friends?: This week’s question is the result of one of those awkward situations where a friend who might not have had as friendly intentions as we might have assumed or hoped for, makes unwanted advances and then reacts badly.

What Nat Learned This Week: I did it! I told my mama that we won’t be doing the whole big family Christmas thang this year (I’m not keen on drama even if there are cocktails and good food involved and last year’s Eastenders/Dallas/Dynasty style showdown between the mothers on Christmas night is my absolute line) and you know what? The sky didn’t fall down and I faced my fear of confrontation.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud, iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx