man and women figuresOn Thursday I wrote about how expending energy better used elsewhere discussing and talking and explaining to men who are not worthy of your time is a futile exercise and stalling strategy where we as women get to avoid making a decision and doing something about our problems.

As I read through the comments, an age-old problem repeatedly reared its head:

Women who have a relationship history of being in inappropriate relationships with assclowns and other such men, do not know how to have or appreciate a relationship with a decent man.

In fact, more often than not, if this predicament does not get dealt with, the woman who has likely been a Fallback Girl in the past starts behaving like Mr Unavailable. Why?

Because ladies, you are still caught in the negative relationship patterns. You have started a relationship without getting to a healthier place within yourself first.You are not ready for a healthy relationship.

Remember, you weren’t ready for a healthy relationship when you were with your ex and if you have been involved with emotionally unavailable men on a habitual basis, it is because YOU are emotionally unavailable too.

You want a relationship, you want attention, you want companionship. In fact, you desperately want to prove to yourself that things will be different this time.

But let me say something that I’m sure many of you will not like to hear:

You can take the assclown out of the relationship but if YOU have not dealt with the issues that drew you to unhealthy relationships in the first place, you are still the common denominator in your relationships.

If things are still screwed up even though you’ve cut the ex off, it’s not him; it’s YOU.

If your new relationships are not prospering and them being emotionally available makes YOU feel uncomfortable, you’re still emotionally unavailable.

When we are a woman that has been habitually engaged in unhealthy relationships, we often make a lot of the problem about ‘him’ even if we acknowledge on various levels that we are part of the equation.

It is not a simple case of booting out an assclown and then SHAZAM, problem solved.

It certainly is not a case of knee-jerking into a relationship with the first guy that treats you half way decently.

We think that the solution is to be with a ‘nice’ guy but yet what happens is that we start taking on assclown traits and persecuting the poor guy because of our relationship history and the negative internal patterns that we subconsciously and consciously move to.

Being with a ‘nice’ guy doesn’t change how YOU feel about YOU.

Just read the comments on the post to recognise this. This in itself is yet another hardcore proof that we have to stop thinking that finding a man who will love us and the relationship that we think we want is the answer to our problems.

You are not going to suddenly feel at one with the universe because a guy comes along and treats you halfway decently.

You are not suddenly going to feel positive about you and relationships because you’re not being bounced around drama central by an assclown and are instead hanging with a ‘nice’ guy.

You are not suddenly going to wash away the years and slot into a ‘normal’ relationship just because you’ve ended it with an assclown and taken up with a nice guy.

You are still falling into the age old trap – Not addressing the issues within that have you feeling negative about yourself, relationships, and love, instead catering to other insecurities and being in a relationship really for the sake of it. It’s like you’re hoping that one day you will wake up and suddenly think ‘Oh, I love him now’.

We have to learn how to confront our issues and learn how to love ourselves before we can even contemplate being in a relationship with someone because at the end of the day, until you do that, whoever you take up with is part of your gravitation to negative patterns.

Many women play The Opposites Game – I went out with an assclown so I’ll find me a super nice guy next time. I went out with a guy who was a financial drain so I’ll look for guys who are financially secure. I went out with a rich guy who couldn’t handle me so I’ll go out with a poorer guy than me. And it goes on and on but you’re missing the point.

I appreciate that some of you may feel that time is short, that you’ve wasted enough time already and yada, yada, but really, would it kill you to put aside a few weeks to a couple of months to invest in you and figure out what is motivating your unhappiness and address it?

Where is the fire?

Because at the end of the day, you are doing more damage to yourself and the new guy by putting you both through the rigmarole of you only having one foot in the relationship because you are dealing with ‘issues’.

Having one foot in the relationship is a sign that you are not ready for the relationship.

If your relationship is relatively new, why does he have to sell the idea of you being with him? Why does he have to take on your old role and now become your armchair psychologist?

It is one thing if you meet a guy after being in a bad relationship and you say ‘I like you, I want to be with you, but I want you to know that I’m not long out of a poor relationship and I don’t want to ruin what I can potentially have with you’.

Two people can discuss their problems but the idea is that something positive comes out of it and you move forward.

If time passes and YOU are not changing how you feel about being in a relationship with him because you subconsciously miss drama and can’t allow yourself to enjoy the relationship, it is time to get up and deal with it instead of falling into your regular pattern of inaction.

Right now, you are ‘settling’ because you don’t trust yourself enough to believe that you can take your time and instead pick a guy who is ‘better than’ your ex.

But you shouldn’t be choosing someone on that basis; get emotionally healthy and you gravitate to healthy relationships that you enjoy.

You don’t trust you, your judgement, your feelings, or the idea of being on your own whilst you sort yourself out. You don’t trust the new guy and what is on offer. In fact, the only thing you do trust is the familiarity of being treated badly. That’s a feeling you know all too well.

So where does that leave you? Well until you do something about it, you’re in limbo land, just like you were when you were in your previous relationships which means it is time to take action and stay committed to dealing with your issues and loving you. Stop avoiding it and deal.

Turn the tables around: Remember when you felt marginalised by your ex throwing you crumbs and making you feel grateful for it? Well now you’re doing it to the new guy. Is this who you want to be?

Your thoughts? Do you know what is holding you back?

If you want to understand your involvement with Mr Unavailable’s and why you have your unhealthy relationship patterns, plus how to move forward, check out my new ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.

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