So in part one I explained how we can become stuck in a position when we’re in and out of relationships, holding onto baggage, beliefs, illusions and anything else we want to in the hope that if we stay put, everything else around us will shift to where we want it.
At some point you have to acknowledge when your position isn’t working for you and either adapt your position or adopt a new one.
The key to deciding what to do next is boundaries because these are your clinchers with your position.
Boundaries are about knowing what you are and aren’t prepared to accept in a relationship with someone. This isn’t just romantic relationships, but friends, family, co-workers. It’s about ensuring that you are treated in the way that you want to be treated and having limits.
But…if like a lot of women who find themselves involved with assclowns and Mr Unavailables you have little or no boundaries, you are maintaining a position that’s based on little or no foundations with someone else holding the powerbase and believing that they can behave in a certain way, based on the previous rejectable behaviour that you’ve accepted.
If you decide to adapt your position or even adopt a new one when you’ve had little or no boundaries, you have two choices:
1) Get rid of all your boundaries in the hope that this will get the relationship you want because it will show your unconditional love – bad move.
2) Enforce some boundaries although when he sees a significant shift in your behaviour and rejects the you that respects her own boundaries, the likelihood is that the relationship will end.
The key is to ensure that when you maintain a position, you are able to have your boundaries and be treated with love, respect, care, and trust.
You have to start asking yourself what the point is in keeping a position where you get nowhere!
You also have to ask yourself what the point is in maintaining a position in a relationship that means you can’t have any boundaries….
When we maintain a position we hope that others or circumstances around us will change rather than having to change ourselves.
At some point you have to acknowledge how maintaining your current position is really making you feel because when it comes to making things happen in your life, the onus of responsibility lies with you.
Pushing for change with people who have no desire, inclination, or even perceived need to change is only a distraction from dealing with yourself.
It’s like saying, I want my life to be different as long as I don’t have to do anything different or making any major changes.
You’re trying to control the uncontrollable rather than deal with the one thing you do have control over; you.
If you have no desire to be in pain with someone, why maintain a position with them that keeps you in pain in the hope that they will suddenly have a flash of decency and say ‘Hey…you know what? She’s still there. Why not throw her few slices instead of crumbs and see if I can put her out of her misery?’
Often the other person has decided what their position is and if they’re of the assclown or Mr Unavailable variety, they only do relationships on their terms.
Even if you don’t like what they do, when they blow hot and cold on you and manage down your expectations, they reveal their own boundaries and this is where you discover that you’re not that compatible where it counts, that if they’re your ‘type’ , they’re not a good one, and that you don’t share common ground.
You can obsess about what his position is and why he’s adopted it and why he won’t move to yours and yadda yadda yadda, but aside from attempting to rationalise the irrational, you’re wasting precious time on people that don’t want to actually be in a committed relationship with both feet in.
What are you going to do? Keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole? You’ve tried that already and it doesn’t work.
Accept the reality of who they are so you can work out if that fits with your current position or whether you’d have to marginalise yourself further to accommodate them.
Whatever your next move is, make it a good one that 1) benefits you and 2) allows you to maintain and protect your boundaries.
The proof is in the pudding – if you’re in a relationship with a flip flapping Mr Unavailable or goalpost moving assclown, no matter what position you take up, you’re rarely on the same page and you won’t consistently feel like you’re getting the relationship that you want. You do what they want, they pull something else. You do the next thing, some other obstacle appears.
Take up a position that doesn’t involve them and is focused on doing the best by you.
Your thoughts?
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“You can obsess about what his position is and why he’s adopted it and why he won’t move to yours and yada, yada, yada, but aside from attempting to rationalise the irrational, you’re wasting precious time on people that don’t want to actually be in a committed relationship with both feet in”.
YUP- i was stuck in rationalization mode for years “oh his mother is EUM too” “he doesn’t know what he’s doing” “deep down I know he loves me in his own way”
Finally accepting that regardless of the reasons – the end result is the same – and I am not happy is still a work in progess. But I am closer to getting there. EUM called me last weekend I went NC two months ago – and I felt numb. Not grateful for his measly 3 min attempt at a general coversation – i accepted it for what it was and moved on…
This post sums up my situation with my ex. I am not sure if he was emotionally unavailable but after a few months I found that we had different ideas about boundaries. We had one discussion and I more or less agreed to continue on his terms. Five weeks passed and we had another discussion and that’s when I told him what my expectations were with respect to boundaries. Which resulted in his saying “we aren’t in the same place”. I also expressed that I felt that he was ambiguous and being on the other side of his ambiguity felt like s&*t. To which he said “I don’t want to do that to you.”
He didn’t want to break up, but he didn’t want to shift his position at all. My choices were twofold as NML describes above:
1. continue with the relationship on his terms. I’d be filled with anxiety and hoping he’d change.
2. end the relationship.
I chose 2. So, I guess according to the most recent two posts, I altered my position. My position had always been consistent all along, and we started out with him honoring those boundaries. But then his life got “busy”, he got a new job, he moved (same distance from me from originally, 3 hours) and it did feel like I got downgraded to a casual relationship. Maybe it was timing and all the things going on in his life. However, I think that if it were real enough for us, it would have worked out.
So I adopted a new position and now I am maintaining that new position. It’s been two weeks since our breakup conversation and I’ve had no contact. It’s hard. I miss the talks, I miss the physical connection, I miss him.
HOWEVER, I don’t miss the anxiety, the wondering if he is going to plan a weekend further in advance, the mystery about how he feels about me. I don’t miss that one bit.
A relationship is good parts and bad parts. It’s all parts. I got to a place in my relationship where we weren’t on the same page and my boundaries were not going to be honored. So I bailed.
I’m trying to keep my wondering “why he couldn’t be more into the relationship” to a minimum. I’m telling myself that I deserve better and if he wasn’t ready to have the relationship I wanted after six months, or he had downgraded me – then he’s not worth it. I’m better staying open and available to someone who does want to make the effort and is worth it.
Here’s to maintaining my adopted position. A healthy position, without someone who doesn’t want to be with me in the same way I want to be with them.
Good Wednesday to you, NML.
I realized my position changed when I weighed how much of the time I was happy/feeling secure/wanted VERSUS anxious/feeling like I was only getting crumbs/rationalizing the disappointment and pain.
I left. I wanted more and I knew BASED ON HIS CURRENT BEHAVIOR that he wasn’t willing or able to offer me the more that makes me feel like I’m in a relationship with a healthy exchange of loving/caring/sharing.
I didn’t distract myself with thinking about his potential.
I didn’t get scared I wouldn’t find anyone else and so hang on to the IDEA of how great he was.
I didn’t try to change him or convince him why he ought to want me the way I wanted him.
I left because I wanted to be happy with ME.
Happy, period.
I knew he wasn’t motivated to make me happy or he already would have been doing it.
I knew I was in charge of my happiness then if I wanted, truly wanted to be happy.
It’s almost a relief to not have the stress of hoping he’ll be different.
I’m glad I left – it made me feel good about me 🙂
Now I am available for an available man who makes it clear I’m his choice and treats me great without me having any questions about it.
Loving Annie – good for you!!
I liked your comment “’I’m glad I left – it made me feel good about me”. That is so true.
Feeling good about ourselves opens up all new windows, doors and possibilities!
Today i made the decision to end it with my assclown, Once and for all. I send him a card in the post today, telling him that i am walking away from him for good this time. He’s probably not going to believe me [neither do my friends] because i’ve ended it with him so many times before and i have always gone back. He sees me as “weak” and my attempts to end it are always laughed at.
BUT I AM CHANGING MY POSITION. FINALLY. I AM NOT GOING TO STRUGGLE ON ANYMORE OR MOAN AND COMPLAIN. I AM WALKING AWAY. PERIOD. IT IS NOT WORKING FOR ME.
Let me give you a taste of the nerve of this assclown. Last week, I sent him a text, inviting him to my co-worker’s wedding this Sunday. He never responded to my text at all. But his non-repsonse is so typical of all the invites i have given him about us going places together, He simply does not respond to invitations or suggestions to go places together, and i don’t ever bother to bring up the issue. I always let it go. And try again next time. And once again i get passively rejected.
He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to go out with me in public places. He doesn’t want to introduce me to his closest friends. He does not want to meet my people either. All he wants to do is call me at midnight whenever the mood takes him, and tell me to drive to his place to have sex with him. After the sex i would leave [or sometimes stay overnight], and i would not know when i would see him next. Oh my mistake. Of course i know; WHENEVER HE IS FEELING HORNY AND WANTS SEX AGAIN! Silly me.
I cannot believe i let this man use me like that so nearly 2 whole years. I have never loved someone who has never loved me back before. This is what kills me. I feel absolutely awful. People tell me i am a beautiful woman all the time but i cannot believe them. All i keep thinking is this: if i was so wonderful how come he did not want me???
I have given him my BEST and he has given me absolutely nothing in return. I always gave him a loaf and he always gave me a crumb in return. I fooled myself by telling myself that he needed unconditional love.
He hurt me real bad last June when he told me that started a relationship with a girl he had not seen in 12 years! He bumped into her on the street after all this time, and he committed to her on the spot, asking her to be his girlfriend. That was like a KNIFE to my heart. And all along, for nearly 2 years, i was in his life, giving him my all and i could not get him to commit to a relationship with me. Even though he has been in a relationship with her for 4 months, we have still slept together behind her back. I would say to myself “well he cannot be in love with her because he is still sleeping with me” I feel so ashamed of myself. Look how low i have sunk! He was ust using me because he could!!! Nothing more nothing less. It’s not that he can’t live without me. Its that i am EASY and HAVE NO BOUNDARIES.
But i have had enough now. I am so done.
Last weekend i went to Ireland and bought him some men’s perfume, Duty Free, at the airport. I text him to tell him that i have brought him back some goodies. He never even responded to my text. Today i have decided to give the perfume to someone else who actually cares about me.
THIS MAN IS AN ASSCLOWN. THROUGH AND THROUGH.
He has always run this “relationship that never was” ON HIS TERMS. He willl never change. He has given me no reason to stay. I am so tired of having “conversations” where he promises to take me out but then nothing of the sort happens. His next call is always a booty call. Its never an invite to the movies. But hey! i am stupid enough to respond to the booty call, so what the hell!
Well not anymore. I am not going to maintain the losing position anymore. I am ending this tortuous merry-go-round that has stripped me of my dignity.
If he calls or texts me, i am not going to answer. I am NC. For good.
“Enforce some boundaries although when he sees a significant shift in your behaviour and rejects the you that respects her own boundaries, the likelihood is that the relationship will end.”
Yup! That’s exactly what happened! Onto the no contact rule for me.
Thank you for reiterating the point about it also being friends, co-workers and family because I think many of us get too hung up on the ex and don’t look at the wider picture soon enough.
Get rid of all your boundaries in the hope that this will get the relationship you want because it will show your unconditional love – bad move.
How true this statement is .. I had no boundaries and I ended up with nothing. It took a long time to wake up to this fact. These are the most difficult relationships to be in with EUMs. And for one day I would really like to experience a good day just so I know what a healthy relationship looks like and use it to stay away from unheathy ones..
Sweetie I think we know the same guy …
I wish you luck on no contact ..
Sweetie 187:
GOOD FOR YOU!! I sense the power in your words and your determination. You deserve soo much better than this AC. I know you can maintain your *NEW* position!!! 🙂
Sweetie-I think you did the best you could do for yourself.You are the only one that can stop this from keep going.Congratulations for taking charge of your happiness and all the best 🙂
NML, you just read my mind: “Even if you don’t like what they do, when they blow hot and cold on you and manage down your expectations, they reveal their own boundaries and this is where you discover that you’re not that compatible”…
So true, I gave up my boundaries, because I cant change him and the situation…
I tried to dump him several times, and he always found the way to come back…HE told me yesterday: ” I know you”…Hope one day I will find encouragment to leave him for good as I cant carry on like this, I tried NC for one month, but after his pleading messages, I gave up….Thank you NML for great post!
Sweetie, thank you for your comment for NML’s post. Your comment and Natalie’s article really encouraged me to do something about my situation…GOD bless you and all…I wish I was strong like you!!!
Thank you everyone who left comments, giving me words of encouragement and support. I really appreciate it and i am drawing a lot of strength and wisdom from you all.
The assclown called my phone at least times last five times last night. He called after midnight [as usual]. No prizes for guessing what he wanted? Yep. A booty call. I know the drill. Been there, done that a million times over.
WELL GUESS WHAT??
I never answered my phone!!!
That’s right girls, i am maintaining my position….of self respect and dignity.
Current Score: Sweetie187: 1 Assclown: 0
Boy, does it feel good!!
I have been reading this website for months after googling the term “blows hot and cold” when I started dating a Unavailable/AC combination. After nearly six months of dating, I discovered he was married. He went through the motions – denial, claims of a loveless marriage and staying for the children, and finally the claim of divorce proceedings. I moved on with my life, even started dating a nice guy. But wouldn’t you know it, it is almost like a science what is written here. Mr. UA/AC breezes back in with promises and proclaimations of love…it’s like they can sense you are moving on. In a moment of weakness I agreed to meet him. He said all the words I had been waiting to hear…. that was three weeks ago and he is currently up to his old tricks.
I woke up yesterday and asked myself – what is the point? What does this man bring into my life, in some ways I don’t even like him nevermind love him. It has to be the drama. So now I am looking inside myself to figure out what has gotten to the point where I would ever put up with this kind of behavior.
Thanks for listening everyone, and thank you so much for this website, I feel like it speaks directly to me.
@Betty Bee, they never change unfortunately…I am in the same situation with all this appearing and disappearing acts!!! Cant tell you how fed up I am!!!
@Sweetie, well done for not answering his calls…I switched off my phone after reading your comments and a great post of NML!!! I must stay strong!!!
True. You let one thing slide and then they’ll continuously walk all over you. Lines definitely need to be drawn
Betty Bee,
It is amazing how similar some of our stories are….
The best thing that has happened to me since going “NC” 9 months ago is that I’m finally able to look at myself and use these articles of NML’s to change. I look back now and think, “why didn’t I walk away when he didn’t really get divorced?” But the thing is, something was wrong with my own self-esteem to let myself stay in a “relationship” like that. And the guy never felt bad or apologized for lying to me or to his wife or telling me stories about being in the middle of a divorce (which was not true) or anything. No matter how much I compromised my boundaries, nothing ever changed. For him, things are back to normal, now, but for me I will never be the same. AND THAT’S A GOOD THING! From this site, and from reading a few other things (and paying more attention in church 😉 I learned how to not compromise my boundaries and to hold tight to the truth! Keep reading…. it is a process, a wonderful process at that!
Betty Bee, I actually am a (long divorced) woman who, for the most part, has boundaries, and that is probably why I don’t date much. I’m just a really careful person. But, your story is so similar to my own, and a lot of other ones I’ve read here on this web-site. I think all of us have let our guard down and given up on our boundaries at least once in our lives to see if we can find “the one.” I believed in a married guy and thought he was telling the truth and he was really getting a divorce (for 2 years I believed this lie) But, I learned a lot from reading NML’s articles. And, hard as it was/is, I realized that it was my own responsibility to change the situation I was in and not wait on him anymore or not bet that if I got rid of all my boundaries and had “unconditional love” for him, he’d realize how wonderful I was and change his ways.
It is so weird and (at first kind of painful) to read NML’s articles from my new perspective about myself, but now I like it. I just have to only expect the best treatment from someone (and from myself) and not compromise when it starts to feel wrogn. It has really led to a lot of peace in my life and in my relationships with all people, and not just men.
Thank you for your support. I am nearly 48 hours into NC. Everyone who knows me, and knows I am with him, always asks “what are you doing with that clown?” Last night I finally stopped defending and admitted he treats me like dirt. But I had let him, I had no boundaries. Or I did at first and then adjusted to his behavior. No more. I’m done. Thank you all again and thank you for this website.
I just found this site. Believe it or not, I just had my first experience as an adult with a real EUM. I do have a history of getting involved with men who are critical or remote and did have a long talk with my therapist years ago about how we look for things in partners so we can recreate our past. After many years of examining that, I decided that I wanted to try dating again.
This was the first person that I had any interest in for many many years. He is the one who initially showed interest in me, texting, messaging, eventually calling frequently. I really did like him. Finally I invited him to visit, we had a wonderful day together (very, very romantic). If you saw him with me, you would have thought that he really liked me. The next day, I didn’t hear from him even after texting him a couple of times. The following day, I did hear from him, all xoxo. I let him know that I needed to know that he was interested so that I didn’t feel like I was chasing after him. His response was that he didn’t know what kind of relationship that he wanted with me and actually made me sound like I thought that I was already in a relationship with him. Then he essentially offered me the option of being strung along until he made up his mind.
Zing. I knew that I was wasting my time and my energy and I bowed out quickly. I think that I was good in terms of not defending myself or having much of a conversation about it. I just told him no thankyou, I’m not interested. I un-friended him on facebook and I deleted his number from my phone immediately. I did email him a couple of times but having read this site, I think that I really need to question my motivations and go completely NC.
Thank you!
NML, you have no idea (or maybe you do 🙂 how much you and this site have empowered me. This is the most loving, insightful, supportive and life enhancing site in the world (to me)…Thank you… as usual very timely!
love to all
Yes me too, I am so thankful for this site, cause I was already to doubt on my mental healthiness (well I have some issues), but I had no clue about boundaries or values, that are important for a working relationship…instead having stupid unconditional love thing in my head.
I read this blog now every day, to get over and to understand, because I’ve never met someone like this before, like my EUM.
And breaking NC some days ago and feeling awful after it, I came to the decision, that if I ever feel “weak” again, I will read first that blog, to come back to reality, before I even think about breaking contact. It’s a long process, I have to break old patterns, that were created in my childhood ( my father was/still is an EUM, I realize now). And I love to read all your comments, it’s amazing to see how similar all those stories are to mine.
One thing I wanted to add, about maintaining the position and the girl after us.
Cause I had the chance to check his emails (that he probably subconsciously didn’t hide, so I can read them), where I saw all over the narcissistic harem and how he is talking with them all.
First, there are some girls, that live in another country (me included), that he is using just for an egostroke, that means he has no intention to ever date them, it’s just like a kick, like a drug, that he uses, to blow his ego. He asking for pics, having sex talk and so on.
Then there are the second type of fallback girls, which he claims to be his friends and that he loves them. He is using them for casual sex, and for the idea that he is not alone, that there is some “love” in his life.
Then there was the number one fallback girl. He knows this woman for over 30 years, she was his first girlfirend, when he was young. They still had sex with each other, though she had of course several relationships beside him.
That’s the one he was always talking about, like she is a long lost love, that he canÄt forget, a woman, that every girl he meets he will compare with.
But guess what! She wants him, I’ve read that between her lines, but still he is just playing with her. He is writing more to her than to others, like I love you, what he never said to me for example, and instead of just three words, maybe two sentences. But still, she is just a fallback girl, too. For 30 years. Now since 2 years, she doesn’t wanna see him any more. And that is the reason, why he can write and tell her all the nice things, because there is no danger for him, that she might expect something from him like that his actions match his words.
And I remeber, we were having breakfast, and he told me that if his other ex is making him feel bad and stresses too much, she calls this woman, cause then his “heart goes boom”, he might take care for her, when she is old. First and till some days ago, this was like a knife in my heart, seeing that he is able to love and so on. But do you see, “he calls her, when the other ex is making stress”, he is just using her for an ego stroke too.
Another thing was the girlfriend he had before, she was 23 (he is 49). He told me, that she too checked his mails, and was angry that he still had contact with all his ex, she left him. And so he told me, she didn’t understand that, this ment nothing, it was just emails blablabla.
I am telling you this, to not be jeoulous about the woman after you, they will never change, especially when they reached a certain age. They will just commit to someone, that has even less boundaries and expectations than us, but they will not change from one day to another and become suddenly a decent guy.
And i remeber how he said to me, “I made this girl crazy”, the other ex is “depressive and needs anti depressants and is full if pain”. So that is what a future would look like with such an idiot.
Take care all. Love to all.
Wow Jen, thank you for sharing this great story, I truly appreciate it. xxx
Yes you’re welcome, and what I learned from it too, they all ask the same questions, like “am I the only one”, “when will you date me”, “I am afraid to loose contact with you”….
They all sense the same, that something is wrong, and I saw to those questions, he never answered directly, barely amigious or he just cut them off. He is not answering, cause he played that game already thousand times, and did the same thing to me. The days he disappeared, were the days he had contact with the other haremsgirls, the days, when he suddenly blew cold to me, were the days, when he blowed hot to another one.
And all his so called friends, that he claimed he had no sex with, he has to add them NEW on facebook as friends every two month. And he had the nerv to tell me, he has no real good friends, no one is taking care of him.
I really had the luck to see behind all that, but still it took me long time to say goodbuy to my illusions and say hello to reality, I hope my story can help one of you, to get over faster.
Like NML said, when a man misses you, he doesn’t take the risk to lose you, nothing, no obstacle in this world will prevend him from being with you.
xxx
Hi everyone, a book was recommended to me about working within reality. I thought that it might be relevant to both the theme of maintaing your position within relationships and beyond.
It’s called Loving What is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell.
I have read about this, and found a side in german, where these steps are explained, but I think, that’s maybe a topic for the forum. I will translate it there.
To Sweetie187,
I send you lots of love for the difficult step you are taking. Getting rid of an AC and learing to create and maintain your boundaries is really hard work, something we have to work on everyday. It’s hard at first, but it’s do-able and very empowering. If you ever feel like wavering and calling this man, read the articles and posts here. You’ve given this man 2 years of yor life and he didn’t deserve it.No take the time to learn tolove you. Good luck
To Kissie,
thanks ever so much for your encouraging words and support x-x-x-
Hi Sweetie187 –
Very courageous of you…how are you holding up?
*Hugs*
Jen, thank you for sharing your story, it is horribly similar to mine as are many on this site but to see it in print makes the whole situation look as awful as it is.
‘I am telling you this, to not be jeoulous about the woman after you, they will never change, especially when they reached a certain age. They will just commit to someone, that has even less boundaries and expectations than us, but they will not change from one day to another and become suddenly a decent guy.’
I needed to read this, though it’s hard to imagine that anyone could have fewer boundaries than some of us are left with after years of involvement with an EUM/AC. I’ve been holding onto the shreds of whatever was left with the AC for far too long rather than leave him to my rival but I’ll pour my heart out on the forum over that.
Sweetie 187 I admire your strength and wish I had the same, you are doing the right thing – good luck.
To Sweetie187
Dear Sweetie,
Amazing your story =my story with Mr. Unavalible. So much similarity is just like you write my story.
I’m now in 2 months NC and i start to have my dignity and self esteem back. I feel so stupid, afwall and it still hurts beacuse i really believd that he loves me but did’t show me because of his own issues.
I believed so strong in “our” love and now i’m so disappointed that i’m really affraid if i will ever open my heart again to someone else.
This site help me a lot trought this time and i feel with all of you and wish you a lot of SELF love!!
To sadthing and hurt,
thanks for your words of encouragement.
It’s funny how NML’s articles always read like she is talking directly to YOU PERSONALLY! You get to find out that your “special situation” with your man is not at all special and there are a million and one similar stories that can be told by a million other women! Human behaviour is not that unpredictable at all….especially when it comes to assclowns!
I am still NC. He hasn’t tried to contact me yet. I still think about him on a daily basis and at times i can feel my tears welling up whenever i think about some of the things he has said and done in the past. I have now taken to writing “draft” [eg unsent] text messages on my mobile phone, saying all the things i want to say to him should he have the nerve to contact me. If ans when that happens, i can’t decide whether i should let rip, and take the opportunity to let him know [by text not phone call] that he is a broken, immature, irresponsible, using little man-boy who probably fits the criteria of a sociopath, or whether i should just BLANK his attempt to contact me.
I tell you, it wooud give me so much satisfaction to let him feel this venom i have towards him.
A fuller version of my story with this asshole can be read on the baggage reclaim ning site under the group title, “the other woman”. I must say, i felt good typing my story out. Very therapeutic.
But most of all i feel venomous towards myself. He showed me who he was a very long time ago. I did not listen. So i felt the consequences. And i know that he will use this fact [eg “i was honest and upfront with you. You knew who i was”] to deny any responsibility for hurting me.
Sweetie and Jen, your descriptions of your guys are IDENTICAL to my guy. It’s unreal that such complexities and mental issues could be duplicated so perfectly in these men. Did they all read the same book or what?
I’m working on a project with mine now, trying to keep it business-I have cut off the sexual contact, yet he still tries it on! Asking me if I want to give him a bj and if he can kiss my breasts, all the while knowing he is having sex with his 24 yr old exgf -he is 45- (one of his harem) , whom he says “I’ll eff her but I’m never gonna love her” and “I can never be happy with her. We’re sexually perfect together, but in a matter of hours, she is negative and trying to change me”. Today he put her picture up on OUR internet project-flaunting her presence in his life and it just upsets me so much that he can’t keep it business. I don’t trust him at all and think he’s going to screw me over in every way…how to break the hold?