Over parts one, two, and three of this series, I’ve explained how compatibility, type, and common interests are three things that can be pretty dangerous when you have been in a number of poor relationships because aside from you not looking at the bigger picture and looking at these things in context, you may have some unhealthy or misguided ideas that are driving your choices. Today, it’s finally time to talk about ‘type’.

I’m going to be blunt – If you’re someone who claims to have a ‘type’, talks about it and rests her proverbial sword on it, and has found herself courting misery, ambiguity and all of the other negative stuff and hasn’t been able to have successful relationships with her ‘type’, he’s not your ‘type’!

He’s your illusion, he’s your nightmare, he’s your fears, he’s your pain in the ass, but he most certainly is not your type.

Your type should be able to make you feel good for longer than ‘moments’ or fleeting highs.

Your type shouldn’t come with drama and excess baggage. Your type should be someone who can consistently make you feel good throughout the relationship and allow you to be yourself.

Having a ‘type’ is about justifying why you are not open to making a different choice.

If you imagine someone sitting you down and asking you what type of man will run you ragged, leave you in self-doubt, give you fleeting highs with many lows, and cater to your negative beliefs about yourself and run down your self-esteem, it’s your type. Particularly for the women who find themselves with men who treat them badly, you could remove the window dressing from your aspirations and just say ‘My type is *ssholes!’

When you are habitually involved with Mr Unavailables and assclowns, you will discover that you are the type of person that has made excuses and allowances for poor behaviour and has struggled or even outright refused to opt out, because it’s been preferential to dine on the illusion and hope that he would change.

‘Type’ is about choosing a particular type of person because you think that it’s what is most attractive to you and what will make you happy.

However, type is about following a pattern, and if you have discovered that you have a penchant for Mr Unavailables and assclowns, you have unhealthy relationship patterns, and have been choosing unhealthy men because you have an unhealthy or toxic type.

For a start, most of us don’t even know who the hell we are anymore as we’ve lost ourselves in a series of Mr Unavailables and assclowns. You can’t possibly know what makes you happy, because trust me, if you did, the first thing you have to ask yourself is:

If I know what makes me happy, why am I continuously opting for the unhappy route in the hope that one day it will make me happy?

Why not just cut straight to the chase and choose a man that is reflective of the values that you chase at end of the tunnel, instead of squeezing a poor candidate through the round hole when he’s actually ‘square’?

Even scarier, many of us mistake the feeling of the familiarity of something or some catering to our fears as passion, excitement, and ‘love’, when in actual fact it’s fear.

Remember, pain is not love, it’s just pain.

Type has you blinded because type it’s never really about aspiring to be with someone who with the aesthetic and sexual appeal, also has strong values, and loves, respects, trusts, and cares about you.

Type is very much tied up in the unimportant. It’s about making the nice-to-have-but-unnecessary -things a priority and forgetting about the important things that will actually determine the success of the relationship.

Because you are chasing a feeling, as discussed in part two, your ‘type’ is reflective of the types of things that you believe will generate this ‘feeling’.

Your type and your relationships are often tied into illusions, so you’ve been projecting your ‘type’ onto this feeling and not sanity checking whether your ‘feelings’ and your ‘type’ are compatible.

You want to feel good in a good relationship but your beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships mean that you have a type that caters to the beliefs, that’s actually incompatible with the feeling.

Your type allows you to create excuses to keep fishing from the same pool, but your pool that you’re drawing from is making you unhappy.

Choosing same man, different package just does not work.

You may be trying to reconnect with traits and behaviours of someone that you either last recall feeling vaguely good with or who you would like to right the wrongs of the past with. Your ‘type’ may represent the one that got away, your father, your first boyfriend who let you down, the guy that broke your heart, but ‘type’ can often be about proving something to yourself.

Type is about nurturing your pattern and keeping it alive.

Some women have been chasing the love and attention of their father who was tall, dark, handsome, with a desire to have a music/acting/art career that never did quite take off, ever since they were a child, and their daddy’s just been replaced by boyfriends that fit the mould.

At the end of the day, type is only as good as the men you end up with.

If your type yields the happy, solid relationship you want, yay for you, but if your type means that you welcome the waifs and strays of the dating pool that rely on you having little or no boundaries, you have a toxic type that’s going to hinder your prospects, play havoc with your self-esteem, and stop you from getting the relationship you profess to want.

Much like when I talked about the compatibility issue, there’s no point in going on about your type if it doesn’t bring you success because all you’re doing is making yourself comfortable with b*llshit and men who are poor prospects for a relationship.

Your ‘type’ is an illusion because whilst in your mind it makes you happy, in reality, it does the opposite.

You spend your time trying to get the illusion and the reality to marry up so that you can justify your investment and avoid looking more closely at your choices because you are afraid of change and what that will mean to you.

Type is about catering to the self-fulfilling prophecy where we say we want to be happy and in a relationship, but we end up sabotaging our own efforts by choosing men that offer the least likely possibility of delivering on our desires.

We then get to be right and say what chumps they are (and they often are) but it’s more comfortable for us to keep trying our hand with the familiarity of our type than it is to branch out into unknown territory.

Type is often superficial and I’m not saying that your guy shouldn’t have aesthetic appeal or share some of your interests but it’s unrealistic to keep chasing a figment of your imagination or to keep chasing just the superficial and paying no heed to whether the core values stack up to yield a decent man who can give you a decent relationship.

A reader said to me recently, ‘Of course I want to be happy and fall in love but I just don’t find guys who aren’t my type attractive. I like guys who like outdoor pursuits, you know, adventure stuff, healthy, likes walking and mountaineering’

The woman is so fricking miserable it’s scary! There she is traipsing up and down mountains with him and he hardly talks to her. He’s adventurous alright – he likes the adventure of flirting with other women on trips and shagging around behind her back. He’s healthy, works out, but is rather vain and takes pot shots at her about her own appearance and weight. I mean jeez, couldn’t she forgo focusing on these shared interests and maybe focusing on someone who makes her feel good, even if he’s waiting for her at the bottom of the mountain to take her home instead of walking on it with her?

She’s not looking at the bigger picture.

You don’t need a mirror image of your fantasy because much like when people discover that living out their sexual fantasy isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, it may be time for you to start getting real in the real world.

Wouldn’t it be better for your type to be focused around the type of relationship that you want and feeling good, positive, and being treated well as opposed to being focused on the superficial qualities that often make up ‘type’ and yield men that you end up being incompatible with?

Because remember, compatibility, type, and ‘common interests’ go hand in hand together.

The very men you profess to be your ‘type’ are actually incompatible with you because you cannot forge a relationship with them, and when you do, it’s on their terms, which ends up making you frustrated and miserable because you have to let go of your own core values, have little or no boundaries, and try to become someone you’re not in attempt to make the relationship successful, forgetting yourself along the way, and still ending up with a relationship that doesn’t work.

You assume because you share interests (or take on his interests) that these are reflective of the type of man these interests will yield, and that man is your ‘type’ but you’ll learn in part 5 that interests only mean something in the overall context of the relationship.

Your type, much like your ideas about compatibility that are incompatible with your happiness, is holding you back.

It’s not about finding a perfect man; it’s about finding someone who as a base, is wholeheartedly committed to you. When someone is committed to you and protecting your relationship, no matter what and who they have been before, they’re now putting both feet in to do what works for you both. Where adapting is needed they do it – not try to bully you (up front or passive aggressively) into having no boundaries so they can continue on with their poor behaviour.

It’s time to come down to earth and evaluate your type and if it’s incompatible with making you and your relationships successful, you have got to address why you are seeking these types.

You will discover that some of these men are like self-protection.

You know what you’re going to get with this ‘type’ even though you also hope that he’ll buck the trend and prove you wrong and be different…even though if he was different, you might not be interested in him….

  • Is your type based on your mother or father?

  • Does your type detract from you and reduce your self-esteem?

  • Does your type remind you that you’re not ‘good enough’?

  • Does your type bring out that competitive streak in you that makes you want to fight to prove yourself worthy and ride that donkey till it collapses?

  • Is your type dangerous? If you’re seeking danger it’s not exactly compatible with a stable, committed relationship.

  • Is your type lacking in character? If so, ask yourself why you are so attracted to men that are lacking in integrity and allergic to the truth?

  • Is your type dark, moody, and uncommunicative? It’s not exactly compatible with someone who thrives on being communicated with and is looking for validation.

  • Is your type wild and irresponsible? Why do you think he’s going to be responsible with you?

  • What is your type and what does that type represent to you?

If you examine your type, you might just start to understand why your relationships are floundering and what you need to heal within you.

More to come in part 5



FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites