Following on from my previous post about being afraid to feel angry in relationships and post breakup, where I explained how you may feel that anger is a bad thing, or struggle to express it, or believe that someone else’s feelings may take precedence over yours invalidating your own feelings, I wanted to open up the discussion to understanding what makes you angry and why, because it will help you deal with your anger and figure out what to do and get your power back.
Much like when we argue with someone and there’s the top level reason (what you think you’re arguing about) and the sub level ‘real’ reason (what you’re actually arguing about), understanding what makes you angry requires you to go beyond the surface reason.
Most of the time, what makes you angry in relationships is feeling frustrated that things are not going your way (out of control) and feeling unloved/uncared for and disrespected.
Being involved in dubious relationships will have you looking for love in the wrong places whilst expecting the ‘right’ things to happen, which is of course going to cause you to feel frustrated, and have you feeling uncared for, unloved, and very often disrespected, which amounts to a lot of anger, even if you don’t ‘feel’ it or ‘deal’ with it.
Looking at examples of consistent causes of anger when we have low self-esteem and get into dodgy relationships, I found that the common complaints for why we feel angry, fall into common sub groups that feed into the frustration and being uncared for and disrespected – being undervalued, having your trust abused, shame, and rejection.
Feeling frustrated and unloved/uncared for and disrespected because we’re undervalued.
Feeling unheard or ignored.
Remember all the ‘man hours’ you put in trying to get them to understand your point of view?
We believe that people who are ‘heard’ and ‘seen’ are perceived to be ‘valued’ however, often when you try to get attention and validation from people, it tends to be the type who are unlikely to ‘hear’ or ‘see’ you. Sometimes it comes down to speaking up or communicating differently to make yourself heard and noticed, but it’s also about recognising when someone is never going to value you in the way that you want to be valued and moving on to focus your energies in a more positive direction.
Failure to get validation about someone else’s wrongdoing towards you by show of remorse, apology etc.
Remember all the ‘man hours’ you put in trying to get them to feel even a teensy insy winsy bit of remorse? Remember the fantasy of them coming back grovelling and begging forgiveness?
This is seeking what we perceive as natural justice and vindication. However, you might not get that direct apology or remorse, and even then, it’s unlikely to make as much of a difference as you think. Staying angry and holding out for what you think you deserve is demoralising and energy sucking. Even worse, you’ll internalise the lack of justice and believe it’s a reflection on you. Remember, remorse and apologies are not necessarily going to happen when you expect – trust that what someone puts out, is what they’ll get back and that at some point, karma will prove to be a bitch. Move on because the fact that you’re trapped in anger and your life is at a halt, is down to you, not them.
Feeling that we’re being put down and undermined.
Remember those times when you felt about two feet tall?
Recognising that you either have to gain back your power by standing up for yourself, or gain back your power by opting out of giving someone the opportunity to put you down or undermine you.
Feeling that other people are not doing enough to change.
Remember all the ‘man hours’ you put in trying to get him to revert to the man you thought he was, or become the man you thought he could be?
Believing that people who love and value you will change for you – Being frustrated at someone’s lack of change is taking the focus off yourself and putting it on them. You’re trying to control what you can’t control. Basing your potential for happiness on someone else changing is limiting and guaranteed path to misery.
Your needs and expectations are not being met.
Remember all the ‘man hours’ you put in trying to get them on the same page in the hope of having your needs and expectations met?
Believing that people who love and value you meet your needs and expectations, even though it may not be clear what these needs and expectations are or you may be expecting this from people who are incapable of meeting your needs and expectations. ‘If they loved me, they’d know what I need and what I expect’ or ”I shouldn’t have to spell it out if they really want to be with me’. By knowing how to take care of our own needs and expectations, we realise when someone else isn’t and get out – personal security. It’s also good to communicate our needs and expectations – you can sanity check your thinking and gain assurance that the other party is on board.
The frustration will persist as long as you 1) don’t know your own value, 2) let other’s determine your value, and 3) seek validation from people who are not ‘equipped’, ‘qualified’, or ‘worthy’ of validating you.
Feeling frustrated and unloved/uncared for and disrespected because we’re our trust is abused.
Feeling taken advantage of.
What boundaries do you leave open for them to take advantage of? If you love and trust without boundaries and consequences and hope you’ll be rewarded with love, it will be abused. You are right to feel angry at being taken advantage of but you gain your power back by recognising what has been taken advantage of and recognising that it is dangerous to love and trust blindly – we must assess the risk to ourselves. The answer is not to distrust everyone out of anger because this reflects the anger and distrust you feel towards yourself. Learn from the experience and take more care of yourself.
Being taken for a fool. Being lied to. Being cheated. Being deceived.
If this happens on a habitual basis, it’s important to recognise where you are cloaking yourself with illusions. What are you denying and ignoring to stick with your illusion? What signs do you ignore? Of course it’s normal to be angry that someone has told you lies – the key is to make sure that there are consequences to the deceit for that person, and also that you don’t provide a fertile ground in the future for further lies because you’d rather stick with the illusions, not ask too many questions, avoid conflict, or avoid uncomfortable truths.
Dealing with someone who undermines what has been promised and agreed with passive aggression.
The only way to combat this is to not place too heavy a reliance on words and make sure that actions match words and that you call people on it when they renege on agreements and create consequences – it’s frustrating to continue to expect from someone who continuously backtracks and underdelivers – you are bound to be angry but it’s important to recognise that you’re setting yourself up for further anger by continuing to expect and not see them for what they are.
Feeling that you give too much – something I refer to as overgiving.
Know your value. People can’t take what you don’t give. Recognise that giving so much doesn’t yield positive results and you shouldn’t have to give so much to get people to ‘value’ you because they value you for the wrong reasons. If they give you a crumb and you keep throwing a loaf, it’s a disproportionate response – rein it back in because when you overgive, you put people on pedestals which means that they look down on you, which will anger you eventually and lower your self-esteem, which will cause you to stick around and give more and get less which will create even more anger. Stop overgiving and let life unfold because if people are dependent on taking advantage of your misguided generosity, you’ll find out all too quickly.
We feel ‘robbed’.
This is where it’s important to get real with yourself because often the anger that is held onto, where you feel you’ve been cheated and robbed, is trying to hold onto the illusion of what you thought would happen based on illusions and ignoring of red flags. Being real will help you to work through the anger, but also to see you’ve made a lucky escape.
Feeling that you’ve been treated really unfairly and that you have even been targeted, which in turn can cause you to feel like a victim, which in turn will cause you to feel powerless.
Even if you are justified in feeling that you have been treated unfairly, you will render yourself helpless if you assume the victim role and this will create a feeling of inertia. When you have a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships that diminish your self-esteem and create a lot of pain, whilst it doesn’t change the other persons poor actions, you gain back your power by understanding what your pattern is so that you don’t find yourself in the same position. Whilst it is initially painful and frustrating to know that you have some accountability, you get to put yourself back in the driving seat of your life.
The frustration will persist as long as you 1) don’t trust yourself, 2) have little or no boundaries and don’t impose limits, and 3) don’t believe that you’re someone who is a valuable entity.
Back in part two where I’ll look at shame and rejection, plus how we get angry because these experiences remind us of previous hurts and frustrations.
Your thoughts?
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It all comes down to my choice. Either a choice to participate with someone who I experience pain, disappointment, hurt, anger, resentment or irritation with — or not.
Frankly, I’m starting to not care. If somebody has a moral value system that different than mine and makes me strongly uncomfortable, I’m just learning to let go and walk away.
Yes, even with family.
I simply don’t care enough. It isn’t necessary to prove them wrong or beat my head against a wall trying to convince them when they have no interest in being convinced.
I’d rather just be happy and behave in as clean a fashion as I can with my own behavior.
Let me be the role model for what I respect.
Done with deeds, and not with words – unless someone specifically asks.
It really all comes down to my choices. I’d rather be happy than angry anymore. Period.
No man – or woman – is worth putting up with crap for. Now I just have to make sure I’m not dishing out crap – integrity is a two way street:)
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Caterpillar to Butterfly =-.
“It all comes down to my choice. Either a choice to participate with someone who I experience pain, disappointment, hurt, anger, resentment or irritation with — or not.”
Aurora, I like that….. and I guess the reason is sounds so simple is because it is. We really do have a choice in deciding whether we are going participate in devaluing ourselves. Life really is too short to constantly try to convince anyone that you are worthy to be in their world. In the end you just end up losing you and for what?
In my previous “situation” Mr. UA came back from one of his disappearing acts and expressed that he was sorry for being an AC. I thought somehow that would have made me feel better, but strangely enough I just felt empty. Because I realized though he “thought” he was sorry for his behaviour it did not mean he was planning on changing. All the validation I had been seeking came down to one lame “sorry”. I had to finally accept that sorry did not equal change.
Another wonderful post you have so much knowledge, which is really a blessing. You made an excellent point when you said that we try and control them in hopes that they will see the light.Although I have a long way to go, I’m glad I discovered this site. Aurora made some wonderful points as well. Thanks ladies!!!
When they come back and say “sorry”, it’s only bcuz they’re lonely or need an ego stroke….or they want to make contact to prove to themselves they “aren’t a bad guy”. They aren’t sorry.
I’ll start with a couple boundaries. There are a lot of insecure women out here who are afraid noone will like them for them. In turn, they could possibly see me as an easy target for exploiting because I cannot see them like a lot of other people can. People have exploited me in the past (I got pocketed on a corner in Seattle a few years ago) and people who aren’t as ethical as they ”used” to be have attempted to exploit me because they want an easy way out. They like to believe since I’m blind, I must see a prince somewhere inside the frogs that they are now—even if it is just a teeny bit of a prince, but I do not. I do not believe all people are good. By the way, I like your idea of a frog as a visual representation of behavior. I couldn’t think of a better one. I haven’t really been exploited by insecure women, but that doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen. If that insecurity that the women have is what the relationship is based on, I’m going to have to tell them no. Another one is because of what my friends and my ex-girlfriend see. They don’t wan to see me with someone who is going to take advantage of me, take everything from me, and leave me with nothing. To my friends and ex-girlfriend, I’m generally a nice guy and will help those who actually need and want to be helped. IfI feel they do not want to be helped, I will not bother to help them help themselves. My friends and ex-girlfriend are very protective of me and will tell me if something is not right, but I cannot always rely on them. I have to learn to look for red flags myself.
“Failure to get validation about someone else’s wrongdoing towards you by show of remorse, apology etc.”
“Feeling that you give too much – something I refer to as overgiving”
Natalie-You hit on two main points that I found myself associated with in my relationship with my ex-EUM.
Throughout our relationship when things went wrong (going cold), I thought that getting mad and no contact when I would see him at work would make him come back to me or that he would realize that he was making a mistake. I was living in a fantasy world where I thought he would apologize for leading me on and treating me poorly. Boy, was I wrong. It just made me look more stupid because I fell into his trap twice.
I was also a “victim” of overgiving. He initially pursued me at the beginning of the relationship. Then over time, I caught myself calling and texting him to do things (movies, cooking dinner at my house, etc)and when this started to happen, he seemed to lose interest in me. He would say he was busy or that he wasn’t available. Of the few handful of times he asked me to do things, he definitely was throwing crumbs and I unfortunately threw three loaves back.
I have to say that I’ve been doing well with NC since 1/22 because he works remotely. However, he came back to the office last week for some meetings and my close coworker friends had warned me that he would be in for one day and for happy hour after work, so I ended up working from home to dodge the bullet. Unfortunately the next day before he left for the airport, he stopped in the office and had the gall to walk to my cube and start talking to me. He acted as if nothing had ever happened between us. Apparently, the email I sent him before he went away didn’t resonate with him when I told him that I no longer wanted to be friends with him. I will not count this encounter against me in my quest for permanent NC since he came and talked to me 🙂
Natalie-thank you for continuing to be my therapy. You have truly been my saving grace. I can feel myself getting stronger each day.
I’m so glad your doing well. Was thinking about you the other day. Good work with the NC!!!!! The cheek that your x showed walking up to chat to you shows just how arrogant and disrespectful he is.
Natalie this is great, thank you 🙂
You rock!
Since I’m at the anger/acceptance stage this really helps.
@Trinity-
Funny, I was thinking about you the other day as well! Hope you are still staying strong 🙂
Yes, I agree, his ignoring the point of my email of not wanting to be friends anymore and still wanting to talk to me was disrespectful. I made sure to keep the conversation short. As I mentioned to @Used, in the future when douchebag is in town, I will be sure to work from home, decline happy hour invitations, and should I have the misfortune of running into him again at work, keep conversations short and only on a professional level.
If you did not work with him, things may have been different: your getting angry with him and going NC may have been met with different behavior from him–he would either have left your life, for good (meaning permanently) or pretty much for good (meaning he’d talk to you or call you when he would see you, otherwise it’s “outta sight, outta mind”) OR he would have started the chase again. Also, is he married? This also affects things. But I think that the workplace environment itself lends itself to making it easier for these types of “men” to feel less badly about, and less resposibility for, their actions, b/c the women they involve themselves with HAVE to shut up about any personal stuff and respond and be nice when spoken to by one of these idiots.
I think it’s funny how they don’t want to look and feel like the bad guy when you run into them again after it’s all over. To me, that is the essence of their assclown-hood. I swear, that is how I look at these guys now: I see them as clowns! I mean it! I look at them and see clowns! I even laugh to myself about it.
Thank you, Natalie!
@Used-
Nope-he’s not married, BUT he has a lot of baggage (divorced, has a son with his ex-girlfriend, and some other major issues).
I agree with you-Had I not worked with him, things would definitely have been different. I know I still would have been hurt by the way he treated me, but I wouldn’t have had to see him everyday and therefore I would have healed a lot faster.
Now, each time I see him when he comes into town, I have to put on this professional front that kills me because I hate being fake. On the outside, I look as though nothing has phased me, but deep down inside, I have all these spiteful things I would love to say to him. I know I am better than that, which is why I will continue to distance myself from him-no joining coworker happy hours or other outside work activities when he is around.
Yep having to see them every day does make it harder, especially at the begining….quite unbearable.
Its amazing what we can adapt to though 🙂
@ Movingon
im still going strong but i didnt have to send one email early Jan as his behaviour at work was getting ridiculous. Since then he has left me alone 🙂
@Wendy:
“When they come back and say “sorry”, it’s only bcuz they’re lonely or need an ego stroke….or they want to make contact to prove to themselves they “aren’t a bad guy”. They aren’t sorry.”
….You are SO right. You couldn’t have said it any better. His contact with me at work was a facade. He didn’t want to look like the a**hole he is. He will never be sorry.
Natalie, I just want to say that I’ve been reading this blog going on about 2 months or so. I can’t tell you how instrumental it has been in helping me through my journey of personal growth.
Thank you for this blog. It seems to always be dead on. (Please don’t stop what you’re doing!)
LOVE your blog.
Thanks for putting the info on here that has taken me many years of experience (and reading) to even begin to understand.
You are helping to STOP the MADNESS for others like us.
Thanks so much!
Jennifer
“it’s frustrating to continue to expect from someone who continuously backtracks and underdelivers – you are bound to be angry but it’s important to recognise that you’re setting yourself up for further anger by continuing to expect and not see them for what they are.”
Amen to that. I tend to call people on it and create consequences – but often the consequences are not severe enough. Really, for a repeat offence, the only consequence is to cut the person out.
I don’t know exactly how to release anger. I’m feeling sometimes better than before, having a life on my own. My affair with an EUM (almost 1 year) was terrible and with serious consequences.
I am currently dealing with the very fact that I have emotional availability issues and also a lot of anger and frustration as baggage. This anger occured during family, love, work and friendships relationships and was unfortunately internalised (not sure about the psychological term, it was actually not released).
Another problem is that my current job is not so satisfying and it’s also a source of frustrations but I’m trying to improve this aspect by cultivating my own strong points. Maybe one day I’ll be able to have more fun at work.
A good fact about myself is that I enjoy jogging and gym practising and these activities are a type of anger release. This is how I feel.
I don’t have many friends and this is also an issue. Longing to have fun, but not actually having friends. Trying to have fun on my own, but it’s so difficult. I think here is the key.
I’m aware that huge parts of my life were based on a false truth (false misconceptions, they say) and on false values.
I don’t know who I am, how I am. Trying to discover, trying to forget all the ugly times. The anger is here and I would like to break a mirror, sometimes. I was so naive and let myself so deeply hurt. How was that possible?
@Junie
I can identify completely with what you’re expressing (unsatisfying job, no friends, allowing someone to hurt you, etc). Just remember, a lot of this anger we learned to internalize and we repeat in our relationships. I know for me, I’m not trying to forget the “ugly times” but instead trying to embrace them for what they were. I handled my life the best way I knew how (at the time). Was it my fault? Maybe…maybe not…but it was my responsibility to take care of myself and I finally accept that.
I’m happy that I can now see the light and it’s even easier to embrace the ugly stuff because I see it in a different context. In my humble opinion (concerning you) I would ease up on yourself and give yourself permission (if you haven’t already) to forgive your part in the past.
Once you forgive yourself, you’ll see it gets easier to discover who you are and what makes you “tick”. Maybe I’m not out of the woods yet but for all that it’s worth, I can see daylight. Just like NML says above….”you’ve made a lucky escape”. I wish you the very best – Hugs
Xes and Os my friend.
I just have to comment. I’ve been reading this site for a while because I have my own EUM. I would tell my story, but I have to admit I’m embarrassed. I’m finally trying NC, but its hard, just like you’ve all said. But, you’re right, it will be the best thing I do. You are all an inspiration, thank you and thank you Natalie. I’m trying every day, sometimes I’m just angry or sad at myself, I think I can’t get over how dumb I feel more than anything. Anyway, you are all awesome 🙂
Mel