For instance, I consistently hear from readers about how they are struggling with the anger they feel after they’ve broken up with someone or have started No Contact. It may be towards themselves because they feel they coulda, woulda, shoulda done things differently, or it may be that even after a few months, just thinking about or seeing their ex triggers a very angry feeling. They then feel guilty that they’re angry or still angry and wonder about how to deal with the anger or control it. Often the anger is driven by recognition of poor judgement and a disbelief that they could ignore glaring red flags.
Here is the thing: Anger is actually a normal emotion and when you have been wronged or have done stuff that has not been in your own best interests, it is OK to be angry.
I want to clarify – I’m not saying it’s OK to be angry and bust his windows (check out the song by Jasmine Sullivan which is also on the Glee soundtrack), cut up his clothes, or whatever vengeful act you can do to quell the anger – that’s not cool or clever and is against the law, plus it is likely to only give you short term relief. However, it is OK to be angry – you are a human, you’re a valuable entity, and you’re entitled to feel a range of emotions – not just the ones that make it easy for people to take advantage of you and you don’t have to play nicey nice all the time.
There are a number of obvious reasons why it’s not a good idea to get medieval on your exe’s arse and take revenge but the key one is this:
No matter how badly they have treated you, if you take revenge, you will inadvertently legitimise what they believe are their valid reasons for treating you in the way that they’ve done.
It’s like ‘See! She was a psycho! No wonder I didn’t want to commit to her!’ and then you’ll become another This One Time In Bandcamp Story that they trot out as their tale of relationship woe. The last thing you want is some assclown feeling like they have the moral high ground on you!
This post isn’t about having uncontrollable anger that results in abuse – this is about the fact that there are a lot of people out there who don’t know how to own how they feel because they don’t know how to express it and may also have so little self-esteem that they don’t feel that they have a right to be angry because it’s what they’ve been used to for so long.
Whilst some people don’t know how to control theirs and are abusive with it, when you habitually find yourself in poor relationships and don’t know how to express anger, it can often be because you’ve been emotionally schooled in your childhood to feel that anger of any kind is bad, that your feelings aren’t valid because someone else’s take precedence, or that if you express anger, love and the persons existence in our lives will be withdrawn – basically you will be punished if you express anger.
The fact that you are uncomfortable expressing anger, however, doesn’t change the fact that you are actually angry; it’s just that you’re not expressing or managing it, and you’ll either turn that anger inward, which can cause problems like depression, or subtly express it through passive aggression. Or…you may blow up and lash out at things around you.
When you have little or no boundaries accepting outrageous behaviour, act nicer than you feel, and continue to try to love, please and seek validation from someone who is quite frankly depleting you, at some point you’ll probably erupt in an angry explosion.
I’ve had a lot of emails from readers over the past few years where they’ve erupted like a volcano and every last damn thing that has p*ssed them off in the relationship, and maybe even in the ones before, is spewed out in a torrent of anger. Sometimes there is a period of feeling badly about getting so angry but the anger in itself and how they reacted, acts as an epiphany about being people pleaser’s who avoid being honest in the hope of being loved and end up storing up pain.
This type of angry reaction is what happens when you pretend to be somebody you’re not and you don’t get angry for fear of scaring them off or appearing demanding.
I remember one reader telling me that her Mr Unavailable mocked her when she pleaded with him to make a commitment and move in. To be fair, he had given her umpteen signals that this was not on his agenda and she had continued to try to please him and make herself indispensable. She erupted and let him know exactly what she thought of him, throwing him out with stuff that he’d left around her place. She said she didn’t know herself. Initially she felt better, then she felt bad because she thought it had cost her a good man and relationship, and then she acknowledged that the anger was all of the built up frustration and hurt, and that whilst she can’t behave like that every time she gets annoyed, this time it served to teach her that there is a limit to how much she will put up with. Aside from blowing up, there may be other ‘side effects’ to not processing your anger:
By habitually biting your tongue, you may find you have a short fuse with others because you’re trying to compensate for other areas of your life where you don’t feel you can express how you feel, get your point across, or have any control.
You may find yourself wallowing in your own pain and stagnating in the anger. This can mean analysing, obsessing about what happened, and bringing your life to a halt as you have angry conversations with yourself, and wallow in shame and misery.
You may also find that you backtrack. You get the anger out and the panic about ‘losing’ them, so you invalidate your own reasons to be angry and apologise to them, even though you may have a very legitimate reason to be p*ssed off.
I should add here – it is OK to apologise for how you react, so for instance if you did go crazy and vent etc you can apologise for that. But if your actual reason for being angry is legitimate and you then renege on yourself, it’s like bashing down your own boundary lines and saying ‘Kick me!’
Even though it might not be pretty and will possibly create ‘conflict’ (something that is part of life and relationships and yet so many people are afraid of it), getting stuff out of your system will let you see straight and get your power back.
Until you let it out, it’ll rattle around in your head, distorting your perception and perspective, and eating away at your sense of self. It won’t just distort your perception and perspective about yourself, but also about them and others.
As I explained in my post on compromising in relationships, by trying to avoid conflict, which is actually inevitable, you will end up compromising your fundamental self, compromising about the wrong things, accepting poor treatment, and losing sight of who you are. You cannot bury who you are and you cannot bury how you feel.
In my next post I’ll be looking at identifying why you feel angry and how to work through your anger and come out the other side.
Your thoughts? Are you afraid to be angry?
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Yes Im afraid to be angry.All my life I never could express it,every time I would have a anger outburst when I was younger my parents would look at me like they should be calling the mental doctor or something like that.But the funiest thing is that my mother would have those outburts every 5 minutes and it would be fine to them.It used to make me fell like it was fine to them to express their anger but not me.I also used to believe that anger would make people withdraw so I put up with a lot of bad behaviours from man and also from friends.I realy need to learn how to deal with that in a healthy way so this posts will be very usefull for me.
I use to be afraid to be angry, my anger scared me. I was like a volcano ready explode when I learned of his cheating. I plotted revenge/his death and just like in Carrie Underwood’s video “Before he cheats” I wanted to trash his most prized possession his car. I soon realized that the only real revenge was to go on with life and have a better life. Nothing I could do would make any difference in the situation and I’m glad I took the high road. I think the best revenge is no revenge, they hate it when they don’t get a rise out of you. It shows you no longer care enough to give them any thought. I also took up boxing, great way to get it all out.
I’ve been reading this blog on and off for the past two years – first when I got involved with the worst assclown/mr. unavailable known to man, and again recently when I fell prey to the “returning childhood sweetheart.” Between these two experiences, and with a lot of therapy, I too have realized that I have a hard time expressing anger. Growing up, my mother was angry all the time – would rage around the house – so being angry was not only something I didn’t want to do when I got older, I also found conflict and anger extremely frightening. I would definitely recommend getting in touch with a good therapist who can help you start to feel the anger and frustration – and figure out how to deal with it earlier.
As for my epiphiany moment – well, that happened when the returning childhood sweetheart fell off the face of the earth when we were on the verge of moving in together (his idea, of course). He turned up at his ex wife’s house to “see if his marriage was really over or if there is anything they could still work on.” Ps, they’ve been seperated for more than a year when we started dating…yet I should have known, because all the signs were there. This experience, however, really opened my eyes to finding guys with substance abuse/alcohol/addiction problems. My parents weren’t addicts, but they were raised in homes that were. I’ve read a lot about Adult Children of Alcoholics since this Mr. Unavailable broke my heart, and it has helped tremendously to explain why these guys behave the way they do – and also why I accept the behavior that I do and why it feels comfortable. I feel that this is a turning point for lasting change for me!
Hmmm, I wonder how many of us who have problems expressing anger grew up around raging mothers, because mine was like that too. She terrorized the entire household, including my father. For some reason, she focused her anger on me, since I was the only girl (had brothers). The clear message in our house was to not anger the tiger. And woe be to anyone ELSE who ever got angry. Not allowed!
It was only about a year ago that I really “got” what boundaries were and why they were so important. I’d heard about them for years, but they always just sounded like blah-blah-blah-boundaries.
Betso, the very last conversation I ever had with my ex-EUM was where I had asked him to give me an actual DATE for when he had broken up with his ex-GF, since his story about that was always so jumbled and confusing. This was also the exact day he was supposed to be buying my ticket for me to go see him (long-distance, return of the childhood sweetheart too!). We had each paid for our own tickets to visit the other, this was the first time he would be paying for me.
He totally freaked out about my question and went off the deep end in basically a minute. It was astonishing. He would never agree to speak to me again because he found my question so “devastating” and “insulting.” A month and a half after we broke up, he got back together with his ex-GF. I found out by seeing a picture of them together again on Facebook.
I also think he’s still hung up on his ex-wife, whose name he can barely speak. She cheated on him, but I think he’d take her back in a second if she wanted him.
It’s crazy, how many layers of truth there are to see. He was my epiphany relationship and I’ve since learned tons about self-love, boundaries, what real love looks like, the importance of grieving, etc. And the sense of community on the boards is truly amazing!
Oh yes, it has been SO hard for me – but I am getting better at speaking out. Not much, but hey, it’s a progression, right? Right.
My father was and is a rage-a-holic. Nobody else in the house was allowed to express ANYTHING. I couldn’t even cry until I was in my late 20’s, I was so bottled up and repressed with fear.
I had NO boundaries, used to twist myself into knots trying to please someone, of course he’d always leave – and then I’d want to kill myself because I didn’t even know HOW to be angry.
I always thought it was my fault, but secretly the anger would be huge. I just turned it against myself in most cases. (depression is anger turned inwards)
I had no idea how to communicate (besides begging) and when I’d get revenge (if I did, like calling the guy’s wife when he pretended to be divorced and he actually was married) it felt GREAT initially, and then I felt all lonely again and sad I’d alienated him even more.
I’d say healthy (or healthier) anger works for me now because I have some boundaries finally, and went someone crosses them I leave.
So the anger doesn’t build and build and build because I don’t stay and allow for dozens of offenses to my heart and pride.
I fell into my old habits recently, and got revenge by being petty, which made me feel badly. I lost the high road because I wasn’t strong enough to believe in myself and have the self-esteem that made me think ‘if you don’t want me, I CERTAINLY don’t want you!”
But now I see it, and I’ll do better in the future. It’s all about working on our own self-esteem so our interactions with people are healthy.
Small irritations then don’t become full blown tantrums of hurt, disappointment or rejected angst.
I’ll pay attention to the red flags and not stay with a man where I find myself angry repeatedly. It’ll mean it’s time to leave – not that I should swallow that feeling and hope for crumbs and fantasize it’ll get better.
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Explanations =-.
In the past, I would have said, ‘yes’ I’m afraid to get angry, but as I continue to grow and learn; with each relationship I learn to stand up for myself to men that try to test my boundaries.
What baffles me though is that there are often times where I think about my unavailable (married) man and I’m frustrated for even thinking of him. It shakes me to the core when I hear his name. am I suppose to be feeling this way after 2 years?
I’ve done all the right things. I’ve cut contact, I don’t cyber stalk for fear of going down that path and I avoid places I may see him. Hell, I don’t talk to mutual friends as often. If this is all right, why am I still looking for him in the crowd? I’m not even sure anymore if I feel regret for being with him in the first place or if I feel regret for not having him in my life anymore.
I know in my heart that I DO NOT want to be with him. Why would I? Have I forgotten to get angry with myself for sinking so low or have I actually not forgiven myself?
I’m interested to read your follow up NML. Hopefully I’ll gain more perspective to why I’m feeling the way that I do.
Oh yes, anger is a problem for me, because I just don’t feel it, really I don’t, and I know this is not realistic as I am not a robot so anger MUST be present somewhere. I can do good passive aggressive though!
I just can’t access outright anger, I get irritated, occasionally I get snappy, but never real proper anger. I’ve had therapy for 5 years, and am still not able to express anger. I really don’t know if this is a real problem or not. I can now recognise unhappiness, irritation, occasional outrage, and am learning to express these, but I just don’t see many things worth blowing a fuse over, never have.
I recently did an online NPA test to test your narcissism/aggression/anxiety levels, and the anxiety and aggression scores were very low indeed.
I guess my question is ‘how angry should we be?’ I’m struggling to see at what point standing up for yourself and how you do it, is critical and when it’s less important. OK I guess this is about personal boundaries in the end, and these are going to differ, but this is foreign territory to me.
Yes my anger is problem for me. I can get stuck in it. Certain situations or even thoughts of those situations can rise it up in me. Expressing it in a healthy way is something I need to learn to do. I have a bad temper I know this – I keep it in check as best as I can. Generally I am easy going but once that fuse is lighted it can escalate. I grew up in an alcoholic home where you did not express anger – you did not rock the boat. I can acknowledge that is what I am feeling and who is it REALLY directed at – I always turn in on myself as not to hurt someone else. I take the beating for them.
Your post is right on and I am looking forward to the next one. There has to be a healthy way to deal with anger that is not self destructive.
Luv this post!!
I have very much been afraid to be angry in the past. I’ve thought a lot about this lately because I did have a sort of blow up with my xeum – or a blow up for me – which was incredibly mild and excessively reasonable 🙂 but it allowed me to air some things that had been festering for years. And it began NC – the first NC that I have initiated. And I have never been sorry for the things I said, because they were all true, and like I said, very reasonable…and I took responsibility for my feelings.
Looking back I know that my father always expressed disgust when I got angry, and even told me that no man would ever want me if I behaved in such a way. Yeah. And my narc stepmother met my anger with her own, much more powerful, and always with some form of revenge.
It’s something that I’ll continue to work on. And I’m grateful for the knowledge, and for this right here:
“However, it is OK to be angry – you are a human, you’re a valuable entity, and you’re entitled to feel a range of emotions – not just the ones that make it easy for people to take advantage of you and you don’t have to play nicey nice all the time.”
(-:
Whew! a good one, Natalie!
Very insightful. Of course I have problems expressing (and feeling) anger. EUM’s probably smell that trait and home in on us, ’cause we are too afraid to tell them when they are behaving badly – so they get away with it!
Neither of my parents were ragers, but beginning in HS I specialized in boyfriends with anger management issues. So they all trained me to not be angry, challenge them, and instead to use PA to deal (poorly),
Sad Thing, I believe my anger gets perverted into Sadness. I cry in arguments when I should be getting angry. I bet a lot of women do this and then are told that crying is “emotional blackmail” by their men. In a way, it makes sense though, instead of being directly angry about something, you can feel sad that there is discord in the relationship.
Ah, this is the story of my current relationship (or actually lack thereof) with Mr. Unavailable/Assclown. I have been afraid to anger him for the entirety of our time together. It started b/c he would was so quick to anger I knew to hold my tongue. Then, I learned not to stick up for myself b/c I was afraid he’d disappear and never come back (he LOVES to do that). He even said verbatim “you cannot get mad at me if you don’t hear from me for weeks). Finally, last spring when I had had it, I exploded via email and said all the things I’d kept pent up inside. Sadly, I then apologized before he even read it. To no avail of course and he rewarded me with 3 1/2 months of the silent treatment. Even more sadly, despite his brief and lame apology, I took him back. But, boy had I learned my lesson; absolutely no criticism whatsoever. I take everything he dishes out with a smile. I have nearly cracked a couple of times, but not really. Now he just walks on me like a doormat worse than before and I still constantly worry I’ve done something to piss him off. He’s been disappeared now for a month with no warning and I’m wondering what the hell did I do now? I desperately want to email him and again have my say, but alas fear has tied my tongue. Fear he’ll never come back again, fear I’ll look like a pyscho and fear he’ll know I care about him at all. Why can’t I get off this maddening rollercoaster?
This has really struck a chord with me. My father was always very angry and on a very short fuse. We had to walk on egg shells if we wanted to keep the peace. My mother was too passive to be true and would give great advice if we felt low like ‘People can die from depression’!! Why the hell would you say that to a child!? We were always instructed to be happy or nice.
Not surprisingly in my adult relationships I took a lot more crap than I should have done, considering other peoples feelings more than my own. Thinking I had to keep things professional at work no matter how badly I was treated and not defending myself in relationships as much as I should have.
I am getting better with boundaries but old habits die hard, starting to be more honest with myself, confronting issues and dealing with them as they happen rather than building them up. As for the AC, the longer I go with NC the better I feel and I see the relationship we had in a true light, it was outrageous.
I used to believe that I “didn’t get mad, I got even.” When I was angry or hurt, I became extra logical, calculating, cold, and downright lawyerly (yes, I am). I will never forget the first time I turned my sharp thinking on my assclown guy… whoa! where was the sweet, loving, pliable, go along to get along babe? The thing is, as Natalie so rightly says, anger is a valid emotion and we’re entitled to feel it. So often we squelch the feelings in order to be in the “relationship,” but when we are true to ourselves and our values and refuse to put up with BS behaviors and call a spade a spade, well, then, we’re bitches. So be it!
Funny how the non-professional women are “feisty” and “adorable” when angry, and a professional woman, who sacrificed her youth for a better future life for herself and her future family, is called–instantly–an “angry bitch” who must “hate men” when she quite validly expresses ANY sort of disapproval of the actions of men, and especially when it is manifested with anger.
Don’t totally fly off the hook and lose all composure. But if you have reason to be mad, damn it, be mad! Then they most often come running back, especially when NC is used. (And, if they don’t, who cares!) Here is my EUM story, which woke me up in general in life, as to personal relationships:
The ex-EUM-jerk I knew MARRIED the woman he had abandoned (he didn’t show up to meet her out-of-state family on a major holiday) after 3-4 months of dating. During that 3-4 months, she got angry and went NC a few times. Get this: HE ALWAYS went running back (with calls, emails, etc.). They got back together a year and a half later, but, in the meantime, he dated me and a host of other women, including another professional I know. She only got one date in. AND she knew about his history with the now-wife. AND he had her meet his friends on the date. (????? NML, what the hell is that about? Scapegoating? Like he wanted to be able to give off the impression, “Well, my friends didn’t like you, so that is why you didn’t get another call” and, meanwhile, she, like me, another professional, could be used to make the dumb bunny/then-ex/now-wife jealous? Seriously!)
Anyways, I bring this up b/c I have to admit that I admire how the Dumb Bunny stood up for herself! She had enough self-respect to do so! She still only saw him every 2 weeks when she took him back, each time she took him back, but, after a total of about 3 1/2 years of dating, she got him.
NOW who is the master and who is the servant?
And, honestly, heaven forgive me, the wife is HIDEOUS. I can’t even look at her for more than a few seconds, she is SO ugly. AND dull.
Sidenote: As a guy friend told me, to explain this bluntly to me, “she’s not dull: you and my wife would never do what she does in bed!”
(The sidenote may have a lot to do with things here, too. Especially b/c I and my friend never slep with him…we didn’t play that card.)
Have to give you all the facts for your analysis.
In any event, that relationship taught me a LOT about myself and relationships. It stood for a lot. I am thankful the jerk came into my life, and for WHEN he did.
Could I be the exception? I had parents who were fairly normal ragers and I turned up to be the same. If i get angry I get angry and I say so, I don’t care of loosing anybody and I dont feel guilty. I don’t offend but I definitely express how angry I am, I just can’t help it! I gotta say tho, I have lost friends over this. If they have overstep my boundaries I lash out, mind you there is always a valid reason. However they think that I overreact, exaggerate the reasons, but thats their opinion, if I dont feel comfortable after they have overstepped my boundaries, its my problem to let them know. Its almost impossible for me to bottle it up inside.
Hi NML,
Thank you for bringing up the anger side. It is something that I struggle with also. I’m really greatful for this article and the next one on anger.
I’ve noticed another feeling that has started.
I know there appears to be 4 stages to grief/loss/breakup? The last is acceptance that it is over which I believe I’ve just started. I’ve noticed I now go days without thinking about him, I’m having some really wonderful, fun and enjoyable times. I’ve also found myself feeling content and happy here and there. I know I’m not out of the woods yet and it would not suprise me to see the angry/depressed stage come back in only not as strong perhaps.
BUT here is the thing which I believe could catch a lot of people out! There is some side affects to acceptance that could have you running back to the x if your not careful.
When you realise u havnt thought about them for awhile you can feel some panic/anxiety/fear set in, it’s that real feeling of I’m losing that connection completely. Being angry at them, your still connected emotional, same with sad but when your forgetting them, your really started to lose that last connection with them. This is good, it starts to really set you free but it does play tricks with you. DON’T mistake that panic/fear as a sign to go back or be a slave to your emotions. I think it’s something that could really catch people out. Instead know that’s it’s about you being very close to the end of that journey and about to embark on another 🙂
I wondered if you had thoughts about those feelings NML or if u agreed?
when it first happend to me I nearly contacted to tell him what I thought of him. Luckily for me some logic kicked in and I realised I was panicking and trying to recapture that connection.
Right now, I feel like I’m in a state where if I were in a relationship, she could do something that could upset me more than I normaly would. I’m already scared because of how my last relationship ended. The result of that could be me pushing her away and not give her a chance. I remember I initially got angry when the classmate I met last spring told me she liked mme more than just a friend. I don’t know why I got angry though. I don’t like my parents and i for sure don’t like seeing other couples be violent toward one another. Last but not least, she would be my first relationship after illicit drugs and thinking about that is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not afraid to be angry, it’s just that sometimes, I think I put out more than people can handle. That’s just my temperament. It’s either everything or nothing at all. I hope I am making sense.
Ah! I am VERY familiar with the anger.
For some reason, I have no problem showing my anger or disappointments to the guys I’m with. None. I actually allow myself to have those feelings towards them, if that’s how I feel.
I learned at an early age that anger is a good thing if it’s used in the right context. I didn’t really worry whether I scared them off. They’re my feelings and I will show them. I learned that when I was in my late teens and I never repressed that part of me since.
There were times that my anger got the best of me, and I apologized for being over the top, but I never apologized for being angry.
Thank you Natalie for posting this great post.
I could not express anger in a healthy way in my last relationship and he gave me plenty to feel angry about. In fact I even got scared to show disappointment and upset. Why? Because he would withdraw. (hot/cold) so I learnt not to go to him, no matter how nice I try to put things, how soft my voice or how long I took constructing an email to make sure there was nothing in there to cause him to withdraw…..I in a way tried to be somehow perfect. He would always find a reason to do it anyway.
How horribley controlling if him. I’m so so glad I no longer have that in my life. Actually sounds like I’m describing my dad with the have to be perfect part and not being able to have a voice. Interesting 🙂
4 months NC !!!!
Have a great day everyone 🙂
Regina,
Interesting that your anger gets converted into sadness, I do the same – or rather I get upset where others would get angry.
It’s sadness that someone should behave in such a sh*tty way for no obvious reason, it’s not usually emotional blackmail, it’s a genuinely unhappy response.
The AC would get agitated when I got upset, he could usually just not see why I was upset or, if he knew full well what he’d done, would try to trivialise it. I only once got really angry with him, and he smirked! I really think these people love to see an angry response, it shows their power to provoke strong emotions in you.
Finally coming out of 5 years involving myself with an AC/EUM and, Trinity, you’re right! I have experienced the fear/anxiety/unknown/void/panic of not thinking about him or us or the dysfunction and was like “what is this…?” Very odd feeling, but good one! Shows I’m moving on and finally letting go…..the connection is finally dissolving and I’m transitioning..maybe heart/emotions finally catching up with mind/logical/rational thought? It’s encouraging…..
Thank you so much for this Natalie! I wish I had discovered this blog years ago! Like a lot of posters, I had an angry parent – my dad – who would blow up at nothing, but God forbid that I retaliated or showed any negative emotions of my own.
I was with a classic EUM for two years, who would rage and walk out for days, then return when he was good and ready. I learned to control my behaviour and be the ‘perfect’ girlfriend, just as i had been the ‘perfect’ daughter.
I’ve just finished with someone who clearly put himself and his needs before me and had strung me along for the better part of 18 months until I had a real epiphany moment. I’m scared of what I’m finding out about myself because it’s been 32 years of behaving in a certain way and I know it’s going to be a long, hard road to learn to love myself and get over my fear of abandonment/upsetting people.
Like you sadthing, I also need to learn what the boundaries are and when to walk away; because I have quashed the anger for so long, i don’t always know straight away when my boundaries are crossed. I am determined to get there though.
A lot of the comments on this post seem to be stemming from readers’ parents—specifically their dads. Maybe I should start breaking it down about my parents too—how I’m unconsciously like them and how I’m not like them, factors that are beyond the comprehension of any American (Khmer Rouge), etc. It’s not going to make me be any nicer to my parents, but it could give me some kind of closure and possibly enable my relationship with my next girlfriend to run a little smoother. That means it is no longer a mere, “I don’t transfer my mom on to other women,” It is now going down to the bone.
Ahh anger. What has really thrown me for a loop here is that I am 3 months on no contact, yet my anger has actually grown. Anger that I allowed myself to get treated so badly, that I lethim walk all over, lie to me, never commit, always weasel his way back in or out – either directly or by disappearing.
My problem now is that I have days I feel sick and overwhelmed with anger at the injustice Of it all- how couldi have let him do this to me fr a year and a half.
So I cut off contact, but I feel like because I never unleashed my anger or told him what I really thought of him, it is choking me now b/c it feels like he got away Scot free- and the anger has nowhere to go. I didn’t even get the satisfaction of feeling like I wasn’t afraid to tell him exactly what I thought – I held back thinking I want to seem mature. Now I regret it and feel like calling him or emailing just to lash out – I hate that maybe he sees me as passive b/c I said nothing – I just cut him out of my life.
Any help as to how to deal with this anger – this rage – that sometimes consumes me when I think of him – would be so greatly appreciated.
@Jojo I felt the same way. My ex cheated and left me, I unfortuanately was the fallback girl for 18months all the while never expressing to him but more importantly to myself all the hurt, pain and anger. 5 months NC and yes its all still there and yes there are days I want to scream at him for what he did but I’ve come to realize that that’s what he wants and I’m not going to give him the satisfaction.
NML told me to write a letter but don’t send it. I did that and when those dark days come around I take it out and read it and re-read as many times as I have to. It has helped. I think cutting them out of our lives says more to them than anything else. It says we don’t care.
I think doing something really physical helps too, gets the pent up energy/sadness/pain/anger out. Like I said in my other post I took up boxing, I get it all out then and I don’t stop till I’m exhasted. Sometimes in the middle of it I’ll just start crying. My instructor understands and just lets me go at it till its better.
Stay Strong….
My first ever proper relationship was from age 21 to 31 and we had a baby almost right away. I of course didnt’ know anything about anything so ignored the red flags and fell in love and I spent a decade trying to make it work for the kids and also cuz i was too scared to leave even tho i would, from time to time. (then go back).
Eventually i physically moved across the country with the kids and got into a really great shelter and realized it had been a highly abusive situation. Spent a couple years in councelling and was just so relieved not to be walking on eggshells …and also exhausted from being single mom (one is autistic) that i didn’t have TIME to be lonely.
He moved out here to be near the kids after a year and we have finally settled into a good place. He is seeing other ppl, and so am I and the kids have a dad who is in their life and takes good care of them.
POINT IS: after a DECADE …i had lots of anger. So i let it out to my councellor . After a couple years i was ready to date and guess what, the only types that i even find remotely attractive are inevitably EUM’s. Bummer!
But you know what? I’ll never spend another DECADE with one!! In fact, I recognize them quicker and quicker and bail out as soon as I do.
I just got out of a semi-serious fling with an EUM…only a couple months instead of much longer …so how can I be mad? I’m just THANKFUL I know what I know now so i can get out sooner and sooner.
Eventually I suspect I will recognize them right away and then maybe even start being attracted to healthy guys. It helps also to have priorities: My kids, being healthy, having a social life, friends, some physical exercise, hobbies. I am happy on my own, not lonely. Of course companionship is icing on the cake but when it isnt’ FUN anymore, I bail.
No time for anger. Give myself a couple weeks to grieve and that’s it, too bad, so sad, THEIR LOSS.
Exactly! I like that: “too bad, so sad, THEIR loss!” I’m going to use that, on a lot of situations like this!
Vanna,
You’ve experienced some horrific things in your home country ( I’ve visited Cambodia and have read a great deal on the time with the Khmer Rouge). Have you sought therapy to deal with the atrocities and how they affect your life today?
@Gale: Services here are not designed to deal with victims of the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge.
I don’t think there are services anywhere to deal with them, but I think that something may be better than nothing when trying to manage your current life. You’ve mentioned your drug abuse and the Khmer Rouge many times, if you don’t try to deal with the problem things will remain the same.
Just my opinion.
That is something I have to do on my own.
This is very off topic but I want to tell Vanna that I too have spent quite some time in Cambodia, and whilst it is one of the most fascinating countries in that part of the world, it also has one of the saddest histories, it also seemed to be one of the most dysfunctional countries that i have ever spent time in on almost every level and I’ve spent years in South East Asia.
I don’t know your age, but if your background is closely linked in with what happened in that country, then I can only begin to imagine what you have experienced or seen.
Your past aways has a huge influence on your present and your future relationships and if you haven’t already done so, then I’d recommend therapy. It opened my eyes and changed my way of seeing people, which had not been too great in the past 45 years,really far too long to be controlled by my baggage….
Don’t let the past affect you for so long if you can change things!
WeWel, therapy is not for everyone nor event. There are reasos for why my country seems the most dysfunctional and this is going to end up going places irrelevant to the post.
I get so angry that after I have had my outburst, I cry afterwards. The crying is more frustration then anything else.
Same thing happened to me. I was avoiding conflict for so long and during one argument just EXPLODED and started throwing shoes and stuff at him and hitting him on the head. It was really bad. I didnt recognize myself AT ALL. I hugged him after and he broke down crying and I felt awful.
.-= Trippy´s last blog ..and on other things… =-.
Yes I feel guilty/uncomfortable of being angry. I was somehwo schooled that getting angry would mean losing the other person. So while I had no problems being angry in other circumstances, with my loved ones never. With my family anger always turned into drama and tears and I was told I was too sensitive. With first bf I was always angry that he wanted spoon feeding in everything. And with the ex EMU I never showed anger. I expressed anguish and I was told in various ways that I was over reacting (childhood pattern). But I finally did a passive aggressive thing with EMU, I wrote out stuff about a friend’s relationship on a blog but the situation closely resembled ours. That he cut off all contact with me. I reacted with acceptance sonce I had said sorry for the blog but I did not remove the content or do anything further. I just accepted him cutting me off and said fine we should talk after emotions are settled. Then after a couple of months I contacted him by sms he never replied. I met him somewhere he just glared at me. I have let it be since then. 3 full months of NC, I still have my moments and sometimes they are bad. But I guess at other times m at peace. The obsession still remains though and I really need to work on that.