When you’re in struggling relationships, especially with emotionally unavailable people (Mr/Ms Unavailables) and assclowns, you are likely to experience passive aggression.
“Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious. For example, suppose someone does not wish to attend a party. A passive-aggressive response in that situation might involve taking so long to get ready that the party is nearly over by the time they arrive.”
Now, I receive quite a few emails that describe typically a guy as passive-aggressive. But, actually, in struggling relationships that drag on, this is behaviour that both parties can be guilty of. But I am looking at his behaviour for part 1 of this post.
Here is a common situation where he exhibits passive aggressive behaviour:
In these situations, many men’s actions contradict their words. The women who engage in relationships with them have intense discussions about the relationship, telling them what they want/think/and pretty much everything but the kitchen sink. He will say and act like he ‘gets’ what you’re saying so that the discussion can end, promise things he will not deliver on, and insist that he is different from what you claim. He then ends up doing exactly as he pleases, which is usually the opposite of what you want and gets his way.
Here are more common examples:
Withdrawing by blowing lukewarm or cold when he thinks you may need, want, or expect things from him that are often based on (false) promises and behaviour during the hot phase.
Disappearing so that you don’t become dependent on him because he likes attention, ego stroking, and sex but doesn’t want you to depend on him because it feels overwhelming and it’s not what he wants.
Marginalising you by treating you poorly whilst enjoying the fringe benefits of being with you but not finishing it with you because he needs you around so he can get those fringe benefits.
Running rings around you in discussions so that you end up doubting yourself or even feeling guilty. Note, this is gaslighting.
Getting angry with you and then playing nicey-nice to disarm you and bring the situation and you under his control.
Because he makes promises he can’t keep when you confront him about his poor behaviour, he traps you in the web of the relationship, which is based on lies, smokescreens and essentially poor foundations. By his blowing hot and retreating, you get trapped in the hope that this time he will change when, actually, he’ll blow cold all too soon. You’re in a disappointment cycle.
Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.
How do you end up sticking around a passive-aggressive person?
You’re avoiding responsibility for creating your own happiness and giving away your power to opt out. You blame yourself for a partner’s unwanted behaviour and overcompensate when they’re not showing up in the relationship. You take responsibility for the relationship’s success, which means you blame yourself for it not working out. Conversely, you put it on them to decide the relationship’s fate. Messy!
Remaining in an unhealthy and/or unfulfilling relationship is one of those ‘buying time’ scenarios. These people exhibit such poor relationship behaviour, yet we stick with them anyway, which are signs we are avoiding. We’re avoiding true conflict because we don’t confront things about ourselves or make ourselves responsible for changing the situation and opting out.
These passive-aggressive struggles arise from seeking out and being with partners who are inherently incapable of meeting your needs, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and letting you off the hook.
Yep, you read that right. You’ve chosen a partner that caters to your fears and negative beliefs about yourself, men, and relationships.
You’re used to not getting your needs met. Being with passive-aggressive men like Mr Unavailables and assclowns means you get to throw your version of love at people that don’t appreciate it. You then feel disappointed, unappreciated, resentful, frustrated, or even downright angry.
These men take the piss by blowing hot and cold and playing havoc with your mind and life, and you end up indulging in self-doubt and blame. His poor behaviour feels like your failure. It’s all incredibly destructive.
But that in itself is part of our own issues with passive-aggression and control. But that’s for part 2.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is about dodging responsibility, avoiding being direct, and poor communication.
You have to ask yourself if you’re looking for things from a partner incapable of giving them to you. If your relationship is just one long trail of disappointment, resistance, conflict, and basically negativity, you’ve done what you can do. You need to opt out and make yourself responsible for your happiness rather than trying to make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear.
‘But doesn’t this just mean he’s f*cked up and needs my help?’ you might ask. There must be a mighty big foundation to commit yourself to fixing someone. And the reality is that if you desire to ‘fix’ someone, there are things about yourself that you are avoiding addressing. You need to be needed and have Renovator/Florence Nightingale inclinations. Be more honest with yourself about your intentions and motivations. My suggestion is always to go away, address the emotional baggage around this, endeavour to be emotionally available, and then see if you still want this person when you’re in a different mindset.
In part 2, we look at how women can be passive-aggressive in relationships. And in part 3, I talk about dealing with and avoiding passive-aggressive dynamics.
omg am I the first comment? Maybe by the time I post there will be others before me.
Anyway here is what I have to say: excellent post! I never thought of my EUM’s behavior as passive aggressive before but this spells it out clearly.
I
LoriG
on 08/11/2008 at 9:46 pm
Are all of these behaviors of an assclown described on this website and in the book concious or unconcious behaviors? I mean some people can do this type of thing knowingly and others have this behavior unknowingly. In either case it is horrible. But I wonder if the ones who are unknowingly being an assclown could change. Not for me or another person but for themselves because of all the women they have hurt in their past and how many failed relationships they too have had due to their assclown behaviors. We’re all guilty of these behaviors at some level. Who’s worse? Us or Them?
lisaq
on 08/11/2008 at 10:04 pm
I don’t know if anyone’s worse LoriG but, at least from my experience, they usually won’t change because they’re so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior. And often they will even blame it all on the woman. They are usually very full of ego and quite sure that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them. In fact, they believe they are the shit.
We, of course, play into it because of our own fears and insecurities and until we take responsibility for that and take steps to correct it, we are accountable as well.
Astelle
on 09/11/2008 at 1:44 am
lisaq, you are so right, they are so wrapped up in themselves and have a big ego, they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior.
It is really just a waste of time to be around these type of men. I also believe the older they get – mine was early 50 – there is no way they will or want to change, they bought a one way ticket ot the “selfish planet” and there is no return.
LoriG, if they knowingly or unknowingly are assclowns, does it hurt you less because he doesn’t kow screwed up he is?
If a horse kicks you by accident or on purpose, the pain is the same, isn’t it.
We really just need to stay away from these type of men.
Astelle
on 09/11/2008 at 1:47 am
NML I am not sure how to understand this sentence you wrote:
Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.
Are you saying he is “waiting” on the woman to reject him?
Tulipa
on 09/11/2008 at 2:10 am
I don’t think we can ever ever “fix” another person.. we can only take responsilbility for ourselves and work on us. It is very true when we are doing everything to fix another person we are doing so because it is too hard and too painful to look at our own lives and fix that.
FinallySeentheLight
on 09/11/2008 at 6:21 am
My ex EUM would tell me it was him and not me…he would tell me that he was the one with the commitment problem…he wasn’t defending his behavior, he was taking the blame for it…still was so hard for me to leave and still difficult because I miss the good times, but I know he wasn’t the only one with the commitment problem, obviously I had one too…working on it though, My point is that it still hurt even if he took some responsibliity for his behavior and wasn’t acting like an assclown…not getting my needs met hurts regardless…each day with NC is making it easier…I’m more than a month now (for the final time).
ltlSharon
on 09/11/2008 at 3:00 pm
lisaq you are right. I am sure none of these men ever walk into a therapist’s office and say “Im passive-aggressive and I need help”. 🙂 This was my exhusband to a T. Even when he was moving his stuff out, he was blaiming me for being too needy. Self centerness goes hand in hand with this.
Yes Astelle, they do want you to get a back bone and walk away so they can play the victim and to end their wishy washyness.
Noelle
on 09/11/2008 at 5:04 pm
I just got home from a weekend with my EUM and the first place I come to is here because I’m so angry with myself. My EUM does the same thing finallyseendthelight did…the its me..I have a problem, I don’t know why..blah blah blah! I sat there looking at him last night and wondering what the hell I’m doing. When am I going to respect myself enough to finally opt out?
BBP
on 09/11/2008 at 5:19 pm
I think the sentence about him hoping you will respect yourself and opt out is actually pretty accurate, from two fronts. First, maybe not all EUM’s have insight as to what douchebags they are, but mine actually said to me once that I was “spoiling” him, and that he didn’t know what he was going to do when I told him that I couldn’t deal with him anymore. At the time, when I was all in love, I thought he was crazy, but later I realized that not only has he been down the same road many, many times, he also knew that his behavior was totally lame and unacceptable, and that any smart girl would be crazy to stick around and put up with it.
On the second front, that sentence goes back to the post about the woman ending it, even if the man doesn’t, and also the post about him treating you badly until you end it. The nature of being passive aggressive is to not be active, but rather to do nothing in order to get what you want. He doesn’t want to be responsible for ending it, and he knows that any woman with half a brain wouldn’t deal with being treated so badly, so he waits for you to get fed up – then he a) didn’t have to do anything and b) is the victim, and can use sympathy over his terrible relationship and breakup with you to lure in the next unsuspecting fallback girl. If you don’t bail, he’ll just keep getting worse and worse, all the while realizing that he can get away with pretty much anything.
wendy levy
on 09/11/2008 at 6:05 pm
Finallyseenthe light and Noelle, My ex EUM always told me it was him and not me who had the issues, until, of course, the night of the breakup where he accused me of having too many issues that were impossible to deal with…. But in retrospect, I don’t believe that when they say its them, not us, with the problems, that they mean it. Thats their cop out. Because they know we’re not going to dump them for saying that. Its their excuse for maintaining their shabby behavior and refusing to change. They are essentially saying they are screwed up, this is all they can do and/or give because of their problems, and laying it in our laps to either take it or leave it. But its their excuse for not changing. And they know we’re not leaving, we’ll stay, and help, and give, and love them until we eventually, finally somehow find the courage to see the light and leave.And thats when we lose our own self respect, when they lose respect for us, and that horrible downward spiral begins.
Noelle, sending you tons of support to do the opt out thing.
Wendy
Noelle
on 09/11/2008 at 10:00 pm
Wendy, thank you! I really want to but I’m afraid. I was the one that intitiated the last breakup and then was the one begging him back. Which reminds me of the talking post because I have talked till I’m blue. When I finally (only a few days) later accepted this time was for real..he started coming around again. I’m afraid of not being able to maintain because as much as I want it over and this bad feeling gone, I’ve done this so many times before. It never last! Its such a hopeless feeling. Its almost like how crappy can I be treated (actually he doesn’t treat me bad) its just that he doesn’t meet my emotional needs. He is a nice guy. He has done a lot for me. He has been there when I needed him and went through a bad time and I have been going through some stuff…loss of a job etc…but he can’t give emotionally. By that I mean, his saying I love you always has a but at the end…”but, I don’t know how to handle it” etc. etc. He has even said “I don’t know if I’m capable”..which exactly makes me believe what you said. Its like, take me as I am cause thats all I can give. At least I don’t see a future with him anymore like I used to. I can say that at least.
Lori G
on 10/11/2008 at 3:37 pm
I completely agree with Noelle when she mentioned how angry she was after being with her EUM. I think sometimes we are so hard on ourselves. We know it’s not right, we’re not getting out needs met, and we want something more. But we just keep going back, thinking maybe this time he’ll say the right thing or do the right thing which will make us think that he wants to change. I think for me since ending my relationship 3 months ago I feel more embarrassed that I could have actually put up with this crap for 2.5 yrs. There was a 9 month span in there of NC. But now I wished I had never broken off the NC rule. If I had remained NC then I would be that much farther ahead instead of having gone back and then having to deal with everything all over again. I’m a smart woman but when it came to this guy I was completely dumbfounded as to how gulable and naive I was. He got angry at me for breaking things off this last time, and said he was finished with me. OK I said. It bothers me that everyone else around him sees his pristine image. He’s always the good guy, he makes sure of that. Sometimes I am so angry I want to seek revenge but then I just focus on something else so that I can shake him from my thoughts and my life for good. Nothing good comes from revenge. The best revenge I feel is to be happy, and successful in my own life and to just keep moving on. That’s what I am trying to do. I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself of the embarrassment I still feel about letting him back in. It was far worse after the NC than it ever was b/4 the NC.
Isabella
on 10/11/2008 at 5:43 pm
Hi,
I was with the EUM for 2 years. What a roller coaster ride. When I first met him him it was fun but soon after that like every 3 months or so, he would flake out and distance himself or blow lukewarm and then when I decided to go on with my life, he would blow super hot. What a mind game. I also noticed that he was not over his ex-wife, as he would talk about her endlessly and what she was doing and not doing and he would get super mad if he found out that she was dating someone. They both played alot head games with each other and sadly the child who is 9 years old, was in the middle of that crap. BTW, he divorced her 7 years ago and told me that she was crazy, but I never got a real answer as to when he felt that the marriage with not working, was it in year one, two or three. He lived with her for 10 years and was married for 5 years just enough time to have a child. That should have been my red flag. His mother was also a big factor. I believe that she had something to do with the break of his marriage. I was told that she and the ex-wife can’t stand each other, but the ex-wife tried to make amends but the mother would not accept it. He was a mommy’s boy to the max and told his mother everything. She called him daily and even twice a day. If she called while he was talking with me, he would become anxious and hang up with me to talk with her. She also talked about his ex-wife and what was wrong with her etc…
I finally opted out after I realized without a shadow of a doubt that this relationship was doomed and that I deserved so much more, like real love with a man who wanted to be with me and in a committed relationship. Funny my friends saw it way before I did and told me that he was not good for me. I have been out the relationship with the EUM for 3 months now with NC. I am happier and looking forward to greater opportunities for my life.
Isabella
on 10/11/2008 at 5:45 pm
and yes he was passive aggressive, forgot to add that. He make promises and just not honor them and he would get upset if I mentioned his promises. Weird.
Lori G
on 10/11/2008 at 6:00 pm
Me too, My EUM would make promises of getting together, or doing something in the future and nothing would happen. I only saw him a couple times per year our relationship would consist of emails and text message and sometimes a phone call (or should I say phone sex). I got to the point where I would ask about the promise to meet and he would get upset that I brought it up and told me to stop being so needy. He would send me pics of his unit and then tell him how he wanted to “do” me and nothing ever transpired. We never had intimate relations. I got to the point where if he called I wouldn’t answer the phone, I would get physically ill or shaky and full of anxiety. I wanted him to call, but when he did call I got to the point where I’d let it go to my VM and listen to it afterward. I could not be his phone whore any longer. He would then ask me why I never call him anymore or pick up the phone when he called. When I called him back I always dialed this special number which allows you to leave a voicemail without the cell phone ringing because I couldn’t talk to him. It was always lies, excuses and all about him. He rarely ever asked anything about me, my day, my workout nothing. I physcially became ill, and shook all over just trying to leave the vm. Everything was my fault, contacting him too much, not contacting him enough. Bothering him when he didn’t want to be bothered, etc.
My friends told me how bad he was for me, but it took a long time before I ever listened.
I had to hit rock bottom first. Thank GOD I’m free now, it hurts like hell but I’m free.
Astelle
on 10/11/2008 at 6:10 pm
Isabella, was your guy addicted to Alcohol, gambling? Shopped a lot?
Did he move away from Mom and ex-wife?
How do you know that he divorced her and not her him? Him not being over the ex-wife tells me that she initiated the divorce.
How did you end this? Did you tell him or just went NC?
Isabella
on 10/11/2008 at 6:42 pm
The EUM was addicted to smoking pot. He said that he wasn’t but I beg to differ, he smoked daily and since he was 17 now he is 48. I am not a smoker of anything. His uncle turned him on to it. Thanks uncle (not). He told me that it was natural and not a drug. Whatever. The EUM was getting forgetful about things like driving directions within a span of 5 miles.
His mom lives in another state and his ex-wife lives about 15 miles away from him now. As far as the divorce and who sought it first, I only went by what he told me, but you may be right. I went by his sad tale of how he was so hurt and what she did to him. But the thing is she is not over him either, they both play alot of games and sadly they both involve innocent people in the game playing. For instance when the child needed picking up for “his” week, the ex-wife would ask her “then” boyfriend to meet the EUM to drop the child off. This was so the boyfriend could see the EUM and vice versa. Akward and childish. Also when the ex-wife got a new boyfriend and told the EUM, the EUM would be blazing hot and curse her and yell at her over the phone. I heard some of it and I was surprised at this behavior. As for me, the ex-wife wanted to meet me right away, when I first started going out with the EUM. But who knows what he told her about me to make her make that request. The ex-wife’s boyfriends would last a very short time maybe 2-3 months tops. I think that they got tired of the sh*t and games. I don’t know how I lasted 2 years.
I ended the relationship over the phone and I told him not to call me anymore. I am embarrassed that I stayed that long, OMG what was I thinking?? I do think that he is/was seeing someone else already anyway. He stopped being available on Saturdays or Sundays, but only could see me on a Wed, Thurs or maybe Tues while on his way home from somewhere else, like I was an after thought or “by the way” or something.
Good luck to her.
Isabella
on 10/11/2008 at 6:51 pm
Lori, I know what you mean about the anxiety and the phone. I would get anxious to if he didn’t call. I checked my home phone and cell phone to see if he called. If he didn’t I was beside myself and when he did I was relived, like a person who needed a drug fix. To get my fix sooner, I would call him. Sometimes, he told me that he did not see his missed calls from me or that his phone was on the charger or the famous, the battery was dead. I had a lot of other things going on and this should have been the least of my worries.
Lori G
on 10/11/2008 at 7:55 pm
Sometimes I would say to myself “please text me, please text me” and then low and behold a text would come through. But when I read the txt it was so dissapointing and cold. I would reply back only to get another cold response or no response at all. If I hadn’t replied as a girl all out for fun and games he was not the least interested. He only wanted the fun/happy go lucky Lori. But I kept texting anyway. Ugh! Talk about relationship crack. OMG! I was miserable more than I was ever happy or all the interested in him. I never asked about him, where he was, who he was with, how his job was nothing. I kept for him to ask me first. Never happened. He always enjoyed talking about himself. His aches/pains, his stomach ache, his frustrating day at work, his HH with his buddies. I never replied to those things or replied. Bummer. I’m still hurting, but I’m glad to be away from him and I keep telling myself he can’t hurt me anymore. It’s up to me to get healthy, and bring on my own success. I’m excited for that, excited for what my future holds now that I am better educated on these dysfunctional men and relationships with them.
Good luck Isabella, keep the NC going.
Joanna
on 10/11/2008 at 8:49 pm
Thank you for this post, NML. I have definitely experienced this sort of behaviour in my last relationship. I must admit, he did tell me in the beginning that he wasn’t ready to be jumping into a relationship with both feet, but I just wasn’t really listening. And he still seemed interested so we both kept going with the relationship, but it was a struggle.
I set my boundaries and when he wasn’t meeting them, I would leave (once for a month, and the second time for two months), and then we would get back together. To his credit, he always gave more each time when he came back, but it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t meeting my needs. There were also small things that were questionable, little red flags along the way too. Then I started to question myself: am I asking for too much? But, in the end I stuck to my vision, and didn’t give up, and kept asking for more. So, the cycle continued. I would ask for more, and when it reached a certain point, and it was too much for him, he would withdraw, and in turn, upset me even more. I finally ended things for good.
That was six months ago (and had no contact since, even though he tried), and I feel so much better. Realizing that I didn’t have to put up with any of it was so freeing. Sure, I miss him sometimes; I cared deeply about him, and I miss the companionship, but overall, I am so much happier.
Kim2
on 10/11/2008 at 8:59 pm
LoriG – I feel like the biggest fool in town. Our town is small so everyone knew and now he is on to a new woman and being as nice as can be. I feel so stupid and can’t stop wondering why he treated me like crap, why I didn’t see it sooner, why he is nice to new woman… [arrrgggggghhhhh]. I need to slap myself! Even worse the guy is bad-mouthing ME and saying some terrible things that aren’t true so that he looks good.
Holly
on 12/11/2008 at 6:27 pm
My friend introduced me to this site. It’ wonderful, and so informative.
I have finally decided to end a off and on 4 yr relationship with an EUM. This first week has been awful. I’m crying nonstop. Today was a little better though. This EUM is currently livign with another woman, yet trying to convince me he loves both of us and I should just accept it, and that his children are attached to her and he is going to stay with her. I have tried to get away from him many times, never with any success. I feel that I must follow through this. He has even suggested that i get pregnant so I’ll be stuck with him for the next 18 yrs. I did actually get prenant earlier this year, but had a miscarriage. When I did tell him I was pregnant, (He was living with this same person….they broke up then recently got back together). He told me he would help me when he could. This other woman sees her own 2 daughters evry other weekend, and takes care of his full time. I keep wondering what she has that I don’t. I continually bailed him out of stuff and helped him. I feel like a fool. He’s still trying to communicate,telling me I’ll return like I always do.
Astelle
on 13/11/2008 at 7:14 pm
Holly, I so hope you are not that stupid to have a baby with this man??? I am also wondering about the woman he lives with:
She sees her OWN kids only every other weekend (Probably no custody) but takes care of his full time??
What is wrong with this picture?? A woman will not leave her kids behind to be a full time Mom to somebody elses kids.
There is something really wrong…
Holly, download NML’s book as soon as you can and start reading, you will find so many answers about these kind of behavior.
Loves you both? He wants his cake and eat it too!
Holly
on 13/11/2008 at 7:21 pm
Astelle: No way am I insane enough to have a baby with this jerk. I’m mainly trying to just move on a disentangle myself from this web of insanity. Another jackass move was sending me pics of the 2 of them getting it on and asking me if I’d like to join in!
Astelle
on 13/11/2008 at 7:41 pm
Holly, OMG, I can’t believe that, well you know what to do! 🙂
Holly
on 13/11/2008 at 8:04 pm
I just downloaded NML’s book. right up my alley.
Lori G
on 13/11/2008 at 8:39 pm
Holly, honestly reading the part about him sending you pics of the two of them getting it on and asking you to join in made my stomach do a flip flop. This is so hurtful, and it reminds me all too well of some of things my EUM did. He sent me txt pics of his unit all the time wanting to know how I’d like it, or if I wanted to do him. But we never had sexual relations, he was married and kept telling me he wasn’t ready yet. I’ve oftened told myself, “well at least I didn’t have sex with him” but it doesn’t make things any easier. It almost seems worse, because I truly was being led on and no matter how many times I tried to end it I’d still keep going back for more. These men are sickening, and disgraceful and they have no remorse or think nothing is wrong with how they are behaving towards us. Read the book, do the NC, and get on with your life. You deserve so much better. Run from this guy, run like you’re hair is on fire!!!
Holly
on 13/11/2008 at 8:52 pm
Lori,
Despite all the atrocious behavior this man has displayed torwards me, I have also gone back for more more than once. He always would say something that would make me question my decision, and, inevitably, I would come back. This time I am determined to break off this relationship for good. I am having a hard time with NC. Why? I’m starting to wonder what the hell is the matter with me. Sometimes I still find myself obsessing about “why her and not me”. Thanks for listening ladies!
Holly
on 13/11/2008 at 8:53 pm
Lori,
Despite all the atrocious behavior this man has displayed torwards me, I have also gone back for more more than once. He always would say something that would make me question my decision, and, inevitably, I would come back. This time I am determined to break off this relationship for good. I am having a hard time with NC. Why? I’m starting to wonder what the hell is the matter with me. Sometimes I still find myself obsessing about “why her and not me”.
Lori G
on 13/11/2008 at 9:05 pm
There is nothing wrong with you Holly. You have to read the book, at least promise me you will stay NC until after you’ve gotten through the whole book. Set that as a goal, if you need moral support use this site and get support from those of us that have been there and can help you through it. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Stay strong, set a goal for yourself of NC and once you meet that goal set another one. These goals can be small or short term, they don’t have to be long term. Just take one day at a time, stay in the here and now do what you can today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here and let go of all the yesterdays. You found this site for a reason now let us help you get through it. Just one step at a time, one feeling at a time, one moment at a time. You can do it, believe in yourself!
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum
on 14/11/2008 at 1:19 am
Holly, what a royal ass-wipe he is!!!
Stay with us, girl. We are in rehab and taking care of each other.
Astelle
on 14/11/2008 at 2:19 am
Holly, “why her and not me?” I gave you my opinion on her, yes, I know that I don’t know her circumstances for not raising her OWN kids, but it doesn’t sound good to me at all. Do you have kids?
I have kids and I promise you, somebody would have to cut my arms off before I would leave my kids behind.
Let those two be “happy” and move on, read Natalie’s book, highlight stuff for quick reference – I did when I started to doubt myself – stick with NC and you will feel better.
Astelle
on 14/11/2008 at 2:24 am
Lori, I don’t remember your story right now, did you just have an e-mail “relationship” with that guy? Did you ever see him?
He is married, reason number one to stay away from him.
You said he sent you pictures of his unit (Gag), sounds to me he is a pervert, getting off on knowing a woman is looking at his unit. (still gagging). 🙂
Give me a quick recap on this dude if you don’t mind.
Lori G
on 14/11/2008 at 2:41 pm
Hi Astelle, my recap is the guy was married and we worked together for 6 yrs – nothing ever happened during that time. I left the company and he pursued me thru email, then he somehow convinced me to let him help me out at this new company after hours. I’m an IT Manager and I went from a large co. to a small family owned co. and was the only IT person so there was a lot to do. So that’s how this whole mess started and he made a couple passes at me, which I stopped, but as the book says he just persisted he wouldn’t stop. I kept saying it was business(work) only he kept trying for more (but never produced anything) and so the story goes. All of sudden he became unreliable, would cancel at the last minute after he committed to working. So I told him to get lost and he was fired. He then blew HOT, really HOT kept calling, emailing, apologizing but I never let him come back to the office. He did some work for me off-site but I would drop off equipment at his house and he would be all touchy feely and once he hugged me and I felt his unit. I pushed him away and said I’m not dropping stuff off here anymore. He would then get cold, really cold his emails would stop, his txt msg would stop. I thought I had worked on my self-esteem and I was doing much better b/4 I met him. I realize now that I had a long ways to go.
All of a sudden he would blow HOT, that’s when I got sucked back in. I don’t even remember now how the sick sexual txt msgs, emails and pics started. It just did and I (like a dope) fell for it. And when he blew COLD, frigid cold, I would be like an addict needing a fix. Trying to get his attn and getting almost nothing in return. He is a first class narcissist. He refused to see me, or meet me it was all just email, phone, txt. I kept asking myself the same thing Holly is. “What’s wrong with me”. Well, there was nothing wrong that a little self-esteem wouldn’t fix.
I must have tried NC at least 5-6 times for periods of weeks and months and then he would txt and leave msgs on my work nbr. How much he “missed me”. Then I would go back, he would claim he changed and the sickening cycle would start all over. He admitted he was obsessed with me, my body, having sex with me etc and I still didn’t see the clues. And here’s the thing ladies, listen when a man tells you something you’d rather not here or don’t want to accept. They are telling you exactly where they stand with you. Stop denying their words, and listen and get away from these sick perverted, disgusting guys. You know they are only after sex, because they will in some way tell you they are. So listen, not just with your ears, but your heart, your gut everything.
It got so bad that when this guy contacted me I would get physically ill, stomach aches, headaches, you name it. When I would txt him my hands would be shaking, and sometimes I’d leave him a msg praying he would not call me back because just the thought of talking to him made me cringe. But it took me 2 years, to dump him. I went from a size 6 to a size 12 in that time, I lost all respect for myself, and doubted all my talents and abilities. I’d never felt so horrible being involved with any human being. Not ever.
He contacted me for the last time 3 months ago to tell me his wife was pregnant. It was the last straw for me, as I had been working on myself with everything I had. I was to a point that I had no real feelings for him anymore, and I was less and less available to him. He was blowing WARM then, because he was trying to keep me around. You know for that rainy day when his wife wouldn’t put out, or was in a mood. But I let him have it, I got to say everything I wanted to say and he (as ususal) would not take responsibility for one thing. Said nothing was intentional, never apologized, was cold as hell and even angry that I confronted him.
So, somewhere along the line I ran across this site and downloaded the book first thing. Read it in hours and now I’m getting my head on straight, my life back on track, and I’m taking care of myself. I’m a codependent caretaker, it’s a disease which allows people (women too) to be attracted to you because of how caring, and how willing you are to put other people’s needs b/4 your own. I’ve been in therapy and have also joined a Coda group. It has helped a great deal.
The other thing which helped is that I began to journal my feelings, thoughts, etc everyday so I could go back and read what was happening. Because for some reason b/4 I conveniently forgot stuff. This helped stay real with myself and to see the patterns and start to pay more attn to my own body signals. It helped me stay focused on what I needed to do to get free and to take care of myself.
It’s a journey, but a journey worth traveling. You get your own life back, you empower yourself, and you begin to radiate a new kind of energy. But first you have to break free, first you have to enforce the NC rule that’s the only way they will ever leave you alone. Thanks NML!!!
Holly
on 16/11/2008 at 11:19 pm
Hi ladies, Hope everyone had a decent weekend. Its been 2 days NC for me, and to be honest, I don’t feel horrible.Of course, he hasnt called me and I haven’t called him. I dont’ know if I would have picked up the phone if he had called. I did speak to the EUM on friday, and told him basically that the “Old Holly” was out the door. He told me that I should have begun setting boundaries in the beginning, not 4 years later! Then he starts blowing hot again and calls me 4 times in a hour. It still felt great to say it. Am I still afraid of being alone? yes, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. I, like Lori, am considering joining a CODA group. I think it might help. I’m starting to realize that perhaps the other woman my EUM is living with probably does have something I don’t:more than likely some undesirable traits that I don’t have. He is an emotional blackmailer. I know this is going to be hard, but I am determined this time to be rid of this nutcase i know now after reading a few self-help books on emotionally abused women that I must also try and resolve some issue I have with my father, who was, and still continues to be EXTREMELY emotionally abusive.
LoriG
on 18/11/2008 at 2:56 am
Read “Women who love too much”. That along with NML’s book will put things in perspective for you and will help guide you in the direction that is best for YOU and that’s what’s important here. Stay NC it works. Really it does.
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 1:57 pm
This morning the EUM text messages me with ” Good luck finding a new man since you don’t want me anymore and I’m not leaving Michelle (his GF)”. This is after 3 days of NC. What the hell? Thank God I downloaded NML’s book. This guy seriously makes me feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown sometimes.
Tryingtoleavehim
on 18/11/2008 at 2:02 pm
Sounds to me like he is in the *angry* stage of knowing you are not at his beck and call. The last time my EUM and I broke up after about 3 days of NC he text me saying he wanted to ask me something, then he text me asking if I had run back to the man I was seeing before him. Pretty much the same thing your EUM is doing. Let him be angry! You keep healing and keep NC! You will be so much better off.
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 2:07 pm
Holly, save yourself now. Don’t respond and I recommend that you have your cell number changed. He has clearly stated his intentions are with his GF, and he’s trying to draw you out – don’t get sucked into any more drama with this guy.
Stay NC, take steps to protect yourself from him. Changing your phone number on home and cell will help you when you are wishing for him to call. He can’t call, text or whatever because your numbers are changed. If you have an email account get it changed or contact them and have his email address blocked. This way you’re not wishing or waiting for him to send an email. If he does he will get a kick back stating he’s been blocked or he will get no response because the account has been cancelled.
You deserve so much more than this guy has to offer, just keep reading some of the posts on this site, re-read parts of the book and stay strong. Love doesn’t hurt this bad, loving someone isn’t this frickin hard. You can do it!!!
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 2:11 pm
I agree with Tryingtoleavehim….she’s right let him be angry. Stay NC!
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 2:12 pm
I told him that since, according to him, i’m crazy anyway, and he should be happy to be done with me. It just aggravates the hell out of me that he’s making me out to be the bad guy here! He moved in with someone else while i put my damn life on hold for 4 yrs. I’m trying to stay angry so I don’t backslide.
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 2:14 pm
Thank you Lori and tryingtoleavehim! I am determined to not go back this time. I’m scared a little to be alone (stupid, i guess, since I’m almost 30). I think I will be ok. It’s nice to have this site to fall back on.
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 2:14 pm
Thank you Lori and tryingtoleavehim! I’m scared a little to be alone (stupid, i guess, since I’m almost 30). I think I will be ok. It’s nice to have this site to fall back on.
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 2:15 pm
Holly- the texting back/forth is going to make you crazy. No one wins here. It’s a game, it’s drama and you need to cut the cord immediately! NC is the only way to get you off this rollercoaster.
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 2:19 pm
You’re right. it’s pointless. I’ve been making some headway and I don’t want to go back to being so crazy and unhappy all the time. I’t funny, I really didn’t expect that when i finally came to the decision to break ties forever. I guess he really did need me more than I needed him.
Tryingtoleavehim
on 18/11/2008 at 2:25 pm
Holly, I did go back, that was over a month ago and I’m not really happy because I know that really, nothing has changed. He hasn’t commited the way I want. But at the same time I can’t seem to break away now either. I think about it which is at least a step closer than I was 6 months ago. 6 months ago I was totally blind but with the help of this site and my reading it daily at least now I know what I need to do, I understand him a little better so that is a positive thing. Maybe its my fear of being alone at 40! Do whatever you have to do not to banter back and forth because that is what HE wants…even with the negative communication, its responding to him. When you ignore him and don’t respond, he will know its over and the decision has been made and even more empowering is YOU have made it. Not him. Keep hanging in!
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 2:25 pm
It really amazes me how I got sucked into all these lies and bullshit. I’m so smart about alot of other things but not about him.
Tryingtoleavehim
on 18/11/2008 at 2:33 pm
LoriG, I just ordered the book “Women who love too much” along with “Breaking your addiction to a person” so maybe those with NML’s book I will finally get an expolsion in my head (for the last time) and finally end it for the last time! I’m working on the backout plan so I have a date set. Now, I have my reading to do! Thanks for the advice!
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 2:34 pm
Tryingtoleavehim and Holly- you are both smart, beautiful, talented and worth more than these assclowns can ever offer. Nothing will be gained by you beating yourself up about them, we’ve all been there that’s why we’re here trying to help you through it. There’s nothing wrong with you that a some self-esteem won’t fix. Do the work on YOU, get your life back, get your self-esteem built back up and life will get easier day by day.
When I was doing NC I did positive affirmations all the time I had some in my purse, in my car, on my bathroom mirror every where I could think of to help me feel good about ME.
Stay strong!
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 2:44 pm
Tryingtoleavehim-Excellent. Let me know how you like the book about “Breaking your addiction to a person” I almost bought that one and didn’t.
You’re headed down the right path now, keep doing the work, keep moving forward and making plans for you new life. You know…the one WITHOUT HIM!!! Get excited about all the things you’ve wanted to do and put off because of this stupid assclown. Your life isn’t on hold any longer it’s well worth living!
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 2:52 pm
Tryingtoleavehim… I took me 4 YEARS of emotional turmoil for me to finally throw in the towel. Every day is hard for me, but everyday is also a little easier. I’m 29 , and i have a 3 yr old son. I keep reminding myself that I don’t want him to grow up to be the sort of man who treats women this way, and if he sees me accepting this sort of behavior, he wil think it is appropriate. You are not alone. at the very least, you have us on this site who have or are experiencing the same thing. Also understand that he more than likely plays these kinds of games with every woman in his life (if there are other woman). I have low self esteem, but i’m working hard on it. At the very least we are entitled to our sanity! another very good book is “men who hate women and the women who love them” by Susan Forward.
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 3:04 pm
Holly, you are right about your 3 yr old son. They learn from example and he is still at a very impressionable age. You can change it for him, it’s not too late.
I have a teen age son and he is almost identical to his father with his attitude, his talking down to me it’s like I’m reliving the nightmare all over again. I love my son, and he’s still young and immature and I won’t give up on him but he learned all this stuff years ago. Even when I thought I was protecting him from it.
Nip it in the bud now, get your son away from this guy. He is not a role model. Keep up the good work on your self-esteem, it’s important that’s what will keep you strong and able to set boundaries and stick with them. You’ll need that for later too, with your son when he becomes a teenager! 🙂
Tryingtoleavehim
on 18/11/2008 at 3:21 pm
Holly, thank you. I almost got that book to. I am amazed that this man was married for 17 years and wonder how men like this even get married! I don’t understand it but at the same time it doesn’t matter. That is part of me obsessing on why her not me! Everything on this site is so right on. As for the role model thing, when I first met him one of the things I fell in love with was his stories of his childhood. It seemed so normal. He had loving and doting parents. I just don’t get where this behavior comes from. I dont have children but he does and I have TOLD HIM that they need to see loving relationships. UGH, but here we go again with the talk, talk and endless mouth moving with nothing being heard. LoriG, I will let you know how the book is. I can’t wait to read more as knowledge is power.
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 3:21 pm
One thing i seem to be having problem with is second guessing myself. I sometimes find myself thinking “maybe I was too hasty”. I know I wasn’t. He’ll never change.
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 3:26 pm
Tryingtoleavhim, I obsess too. Soon, it will become easier to think of other things. Keep reading the books to keep yourself in tune with reality. It’s so easy to get bogged down with the why’s and how come’s. DO NOT make this your problem. Don’t put your life on hold. Let him sort the shit out on his own. You can’t do it for him. Work on feeling good about YOU.
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 3:28 pm
Holly-he is mean to you, he disrespects you. You haven’t been too hasty. The second guessing is the part of you who is insecure talking, and the best thing is to cancel out those thoughts immediately as they come in with positive ones.
He will not change, he will not change, this isn’t about you.
Tryingtoleavehim
on 18/11/2008 at 3:35 pm
The thing with my EUM is he is not mean. He is sweet to me. I’ve had a rough time in my personal life and he has been there for me every step of the way. When I thought he would leave he didn’t. Its just when it comes down to the I loves yous and the commitment for a future its “I don’t know and I’m unsure and I don’t know if I am even capable.” I used to play house and pretend that everything was okay when we were together but now I see myself years down the road with nothing more than we have now. So, when we are together, sometimes, I will sit and say what the heck am I doing here? Like I have said before, at least I have awaken from the fairytale dreamland I used to be in. Its almost like I’m just still in bed, awake from the dream and not quite ready to get up yet. I know when I do finally get up…that will be it.
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 3:39 pm
I’ll admit about the obsessing too. My ex EUM was into hockey, he wrote for a hockey blog, he had season tickets you name it. So at some point my distorted mind thought well, if I get into more hockey he will accept me. So I read hockey blogs, went to hockey games, learned hockey lingo, got up on the stats of players, watched his favorite hockey team every time they were on TV and then I every week I would read his hockey blog as my way of being close to him in some way. Ugh! I did this for 2 yrs
Now, I’ve almost lost all interest in hockey. I have all this great hockey knowledge and could almost care less now. It took the wind right out of my sails for the game.
He never changed, whether I was into hockey or not. Make sense? I tried to morph him, and look where I ended up? On relationship crack for goodness sakes.
Rule #1 – Just be yourself (once you get re-focused and actually know who “yourself” is)
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 3:44 pm
Holly-sorry about the mean comment. It’s even harder when they are opposite, I feel for you either way.
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 3:49 pm
Lori G-
no worries- This dude is like crack and I must get away! I don’t really understand why he’s even contacting me since he lives with the person he wanted the relationship with.
Lori G
on 18/11/2008 at 6:22 pm
I just had this thought. Why is it these assclowns keep contacting us when they are clear about not leaving their wife, the gf or whatever? If it’s so great with wife or gf why can’t they just leave us alone? Even after we go to NC. They still feel they have to have us. It’s crazymaking.
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 7:20 pm
Lori G-
I totally agree. Here is a post I put on Craigslist if anyone would care to read it. Might give you a laugh.
LoriG, that has to be the best craigslist post I’ve ever seen. Well put!
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum
on 18/11/2008 at 7:47 pm
Har har!
Holly, you are coming along quite well to have a sense of humor about it!
Holly
on 18/11/2008 at 8:01 pm
Thanks Lori G and Regina! I was hoping i wasn’t the only one who saw the humor. It can be theraputic to laugh at ourselves sometimes
Tryingtoleavehim
on 18/11/2008 at 8:03 pm
I said LorG when I should have said Holly…I stay in a constant state of confusion. LOL; it is good to have humor. Keep it up!!!
audrey
on 01/12/2008 at 5:12 pm
“Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.” But what about when you do opt out, tell him to scram, and he STILL continues to chase you? I know my EUM makes me miserable and he crossed a line with me and i just flat out ignored him. HARD but i did it yet for the past week, everytime i look it is some darn missed call, text asking to see me and EVEN and apology. What is the bst way to go, i really want to get happy again and this one wont’ get the hint. Any help? thank you….
Hi Audrey. In terms of dealing with his behaviour all you can do is ignore it. They eventually get the message but it may get worse before it gets better. Unfortunately it requires willpower and determination that you’ll have to pull from reserves you have deep down within. These men learn through repetition so just as much as you teach a pattern by accepting the behaviour or taking them back after a certain time of ignoring, you can teach them a whole new lesson by sticking to your guns. Eventually, they do get the message and they slink away. They may try again in a few months or longer but then they find a different you who is no longer interested or has moved on so they have to accept that the door is closed. I wouldn’t worry too much about what he’s doing. Don’t feed the demon of his ego and thirst for attention. You should be focusing on moving forward because the fact that he tries to call or text shouldn’t stop you from getting on with your life. You know him and you know his behaviour.
audrey
on 01/12/2008 at 5:58 pm
Thanks so much! i need girls to help me get stronger. I am pretty far down, don’t feel great about myself and slightly confused why he woudl want me like this… so i need to get strong and move along. thanks!!
Charlie33
on 03/12/2008 at 10:31 pm
Reading these comments has really helped me. I am on day 5 of NC after a 6 year on/off relationship with a man who has intentionally hurt me emotionally time and time again. I found this site just at the right time, it’s like a sign!
I am yoyo-ing between feeling that he is right and this site is wrong and vice-versa, but I know deep down that the grim reality is that I have been used and abused for years by a mean-spirited, passive-aggressive ‘man’. I have felt every emotion over the last few days. First I felt elation – that I knew he would be suffering and thinking about me. Then I felt scared and panicky – ‘What have I done?! How dare I think I am strong enough to get out!’. Now I am blazing with anger, how could I have been so stupid?
I cant quite bring myself to block his email address…I have deleted all emails from him, which was a biggie for me!
I am blown away by how amazing you all are. A bunch of strong, intelligent, articulate women. I have drawn so much strength from all of your stories. We can do this!
Supernova1973
on 09/12/2008 at 1:34 pm
I just got out of the most passive/aggressive mentally disturbing relationship I can imagine. I cut it off quite soon and have no wants to go back. I swear to God that this boy’s own birth was my fault. I have never, ever met anyone so nice and so mean at the same time and yes it is about control. Watch out for boys who have Mommy and Daddy issues ladies, they are very messed up and if you are a caretaker, you will be taken advantage of. Go for the nice men from good families and be aware of this from the very beginning……Just a little tidbit from experience. Merry Christmas!!
Canaan
on 14/01/2009 at 8:05 pm
Wow. Glad I found and read these post. I just broke it off with a guy for being really disrespectful to me. I was conflicted because I love him and he is sweet most of the time but he was insulting me. I’ve known him for a month and it’s been pretty intense. We are an inter-racial couple and he kept making comments about other cultures that weren’t so nice. Well, it’s funny but when I get my period, things get magnified and I see clearer…it’s like automatic housecleaning time. He tried that insult bs with me at the wrong time ladies and even I didn’t see it coming but I gave him the boot. Oddly enough I’m wondering if I over reacted but I find him to be soooo self absorbed. I said “baby, what’s my favorite color”…he said “I don’t know your favorite color but mine is Royal Blue.” Well, that said it all for me and kind of summed up the whole relationship…he could care less about really getting to know me and he could not put aside his self centeredness. I HATE THAT I LOVE HIM. I will be so honest and tell you all that the loving/sex/passion was good!!! But I need more. The flip side is also that he made me the center of his life, his little audience and I’ve seen him get really depressed when I’m away on business. I do worry a bit about how this breakup will affect him, but I feel a bit of self respect for myself, finally I recognized that I feel so invisible in this relationship and THAT’S NOT OK. It is hard –bonding happens-breathing in his pheromones. I’ll be all right though, I’ve got a bustling career and I’m in recovery to stop picking glorified loosers. I know growing up with a narcissistic mom taught me to cater and dance around others especially men. I got it twisted. I am learning though…slowly at age 41…ouch.
Betterwithouthim
on 14/01/2009 at 8:09 pm
Canaan-You go girl! You’ve got the right idea, just keep on with the recovery piece, you sound very positive.
Debbie
on 19/02/2009 at 8:03 am
I have been married to one of these men for 22 years. Only in the last 5 years have i really noticed how bad he is and thats mainly because i have done a lot of internet research. Life has been full of broken promises, procrastination and avoidance on his part. His way of dealing with problems is to sulk and dish out the silent treatment. He rarely speaks but walks about with this “i am so sad” look on his face which leaves everyone wondering what they did wrong. He just lost his job before christmas because his PA behaviour was not tolerated in the workplace. He is the most laid back man i ever met as long as no one rocks the boat and expects anything from him. Emotionally he describes himself as “emotionally detached” and blames that on the fact he had to come second best when our two beautiful children arrived. He never takes responsibility for anything. 12 years ago he cheated and of course that was my fault because i was too busy to pander to his every whim. I have stopped discussing problems with him. I know he will never change. When i feel that things get too much i walk away and write in my journal which really frustrates and angers him. I am sure he loves all the relationship discussions (even though he never responds) because he gets attention. I have stopped it totally. x
Gaynor
on 19/02/2009 at 4:01 pm
Debbie,
Why don’t you two go to counseling?
Astelle
on 19/02/2009 at 11:07 pm
Counseling won’t help, I divorced mine after 18 years, they won’t change and also they don’t feel like they need counseling.
Debbie
on 20/02/2009 at 7:21 am
He doesnt see there is a problem. Its all down to me being overly sensitive and never being satisfied according to him. Every discussion i ever had with him he just sat there fixated on the tv, shaking his head in disgust. All he ever says is “i go to work and bring home the money, maybe i should jack my job in and see how far we get then”. Thats all he does do if i am honest because the rest of the time he is either deeply concentrating on the tv or persuing online gaming avidly. Theres so much more i can say but what i dont understand is why get married in the first place if he cannot give anything of himself? x
Gina
on 23/02/2009 at 9:26 am
I found when I was dating an assclown – his actions were controdicting words. For instance: I would kiss him; I could feel him backing away and him stating “you sure like to kiss don’t you?”… then confronted him and his reply was “Kissing you is my favorite thing to do!” OKAY ASSCLOWN!!! If you don’t want to kiss me why the hell are we dating in the first place, be gone! LOL … One of those guys who came on strong and backing off – MY BAD for not sticking with stronger boundaries.
Debbie
on 24/02/2009 at 9:51 am
My fellas actions have always left me feeling puzzled! Ive never got my head around the fact he witholds affection as a form of punishment accompanied by the silent treatment. He communicates in non-verbal ways. Its all done with facial gestures and body language. Half the time i never know what i have done wrong and it then becomes like a multiple choice quiz! …. are you unhappy because………? fill in the blanks! He has a very addictive personality and during down time he fixates on the latest addiction. Every spare moment being dedicated to it. He has had a gambling addiction in the past, partying addiction, fishing addiction and now its online gaming. Anything that can take him away from problems within the marriage itself. Yet he says he is happy! His face is constantly set in stone. Everyone that ever knew him says he is a miserable man with an attitude problem! x
Delicia1973
on 06/03/2009 at 4:31 pm
All True!!!
debbie
on 09/03/2009 at 8:45 am
I am starting a counselling course at the end of April and hope this will help. I have asked him to join me but his answer is “why change something thats worked for 22 years”. My reply was “because its stopped working”. x
Patricia
on 13/05/2009 at 2:40 pm
I am starting pyschotherapy on Friday as I have been obsessing for nearly 18 months now and still cant seem to move on. He’s with someone else now and has been for about a year. She was his best mates partner and I knew her well, even went out together. They broke up just before he walked out on me, and I knew she was making a play for him, the tart. Still they deserve each other. I was promised marriage and got a beautiful expensive ring, and we planned our future together and he was really wonderful to me for the first year and then started to back off. I know he was taking drugs, he smoked cannabis and used cocaine and so did she, both running up debts. I know am so better out of it, but still cant stop thinking about him. I began to phone those bloody psychics, as it was one predicted that I would meet him and I did exactly as they said, but they never predicted this would happen and said that he would come back. So I have waited and waited until I found out last week he was with her and she wrote me a scrappy note stating that he was happy, in love and married. She must be as insecure as me. Yes and he is her problem now thank God, and I have to sort out mine.
Antonia
on 01/07/2009 at 12:14 am
I have just come across this site and I find it amazing.
I myself am in a relalationship a year and a half, he was my good friend for a few years before. Things were great when we became a couple, felt natural, I knew al along it was meant be.
Im an independent and strong minded person, but now as I think back Im not how I used to be. The recently constant arguing has worn me down. I think we clash, but i give in more often to just stop d argument. I grew some of my old balls back last month when I finally called it a day, because the day we came back from a 10 day holiday he claimed he felt ‘ugh’ after spending so much time with me!!! So naturally he came back promising things will change for he better and i gave him a chance. Now, a month on, he’s just told me Im CLINGY!!! I see him once maybe twice a week, when I do I enjoy it although lately he’s been diatant so iv upped my game an have kissed and hugged him randomly to see can i get d slightest bit of affection back from him and now im ‘clingy’! Im baffled! he’s saying now he doesn know what he wants and neither do I and I know this sounds silly because it looks like he obviously wants us to end, but with our history I know its not that easy.. for both of us! We are in love, but the arguments are just to much.. again, for both of us.
What do I do?!
numblassie
on 16/07/2009 at 2:22 am
OMG! I really hope I’ve found this site a whole lot earlier. Would have saved me from all the heart ache & pain. I was definately dating a passive agressive, emotionally unavailable, selfish MM who only loves himself & blows hot & cold & then try to twill me ard his pinky!
Antonia,
My two cents worth.. I think u shld take a break from this relationship & start to focus on urself cos he’s makin u feel like a lesser person. There’s always a history with a loved one. Or maybe, he still loves you but is not in love with you?
Take time off, minimal or no contact. If u guys managed to get back together again, reaffirmed the basic values/fnds of ur relationship. Then u’ve got urself a keeper. Rite now at the rate it’s wearing both of u out(esp u), I doubt it”ll be easy for u guys to even stay as frens after this whole episode. I hope this helps & I know it’s painful & frustrating. Be strong!
Dan
on 28/08/2009 at 4:42 am
After doing alot of research and self discovery in trying to fix my lifes problems, it came to light that I was an “assclown” or a Passive Aggressive male..
Every bit of reading i’ve done so far claims that we are “beyond all hope” and that we’ll “never change.” I really hope that isn’t true, because I can’t stand having it. I don’t ever -mean- to do it, it’s those moments when we get “hot” and we can’t control our actions, words, even thoughts.. It sickens me after I realize what I said or did, but it’s always too late and it always ends the same.
I’ve also learned that it’s caused by childhood development, being taught anger isn’t a normal feeling, or getting scolded for showing anger, causing us to repress it. That being the case, perhaps that could link with how to fix the issue.
Again, I wish to rid myself of this problem, i’m in a serious relationship and it causes so much tension. Now all of our arguments make so much more sense after learning about this, it’s all -me- causing the problems.
We are going to work together on it, All you need is Love.
.-= Dan´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net =-.
Dan
on 28/08/2009 at 4:44 am
p.s. I hope my posts show that not all men enjoy feeling this way, or having this problem. 🙁
.-= Dan´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net =-.
bronwen
on 11/04/2010 at 6:38 pm
Hi
I wanted to give a real example of what is happening to me in this newish relationship. Newish because even though it’s been a year – I am 2 years out of a divorce [my decision – no third parties].
OK this man is married – but I hope I am in a safe forum where people will please not be too judgemental but try to help if poss. He has been married for 20 years – and has had a number of affairs [one for 10 years]. His wife is 5 years older and he says they have not had sex for 13 years.
I am not ready to settle down with anyone. My marriage was very abusive and the divorce though my decision took a lot out of me.
Anyway, this guy just sees me when he wants – always with very little notice, takes lots of holidays on his own and with his wife – again with very short notice. But i know her is very fond of her.
We met at work and though I cannot afford holidays I have just had a week off work to recharge my batteries. He text me every day [sometimes twice] and then called to say he was coming round to drop off a camera I had lent and would call when he was nearer. I was finishing off a job application when he rang to say he was outside. I was sitting in bed with my laptop so I saved my work, put my shoes on, brushed my hair etc and went out. As I went out the door he texted me saying time is tight and he had to go back. The journey had been a 2 hour cycle ride.
Whenever I try to cool things we have always ended back together as he is a car driver and my work has relocated nearly 2 hours by public transport from my house. i come home with him – He is a senior manager and I am telesales.
I am trying to get a new job. Help I love him but am feeling controlled and feel I am just a pastime to keep his marriage going.
Is there any hope? I have got really upset today after the camera incident. Thank you anyone who might be able to help.
So TIRED
on 17/08/2012 at 2:46 am
My mind is blown away by information that I have learned about passive aggressive behavior. I used to think that I was going crazy or that it was something wrong with me. My husband is the poster child for this ailment. At this point I am over it. I know that I have to do what I need to do to keep myself sane and get out of this situation. I have been going back and forth with this for quite awhile because I don’t want to break up a family unit for the sake of our children but at this point I don’t know if staying with him is the example that my children need to be influencing them. I am literally starting to be disgusted by the sight of him because I refuse to allow him to victimize me any longer. I realize that the primary problem has been that I gave him WAY TOO MUCH power over me and NEVER again. It seems at times that he is attempting to force me to leave him because he is too much of a coward to do what he really wants to do or perhaps that because I have told him on several occasions that if he wants to leave then is he more than free to do that he won’t actually do it because he thinks it will make me happy and give me what I want. I don’t know but what I do know is I am going to leave his problem and refusal to acknowledge that he needs some professional help with him. I’m DONE
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omg am I the first comment? Maybe by the time I post there will be others before me.
Anyway here is what I have to say: excellent post! I never thought of my EUM’s behavior as passive aggressive before but this spells it out clearly.
I
Are all of these behaviors of an assclown described on this website and in the book concious or unconcious behaviors? I mean some people can do this type of thing knowingly and others have this behavior unknowingly. In either case it is horrible. But I wonder if the ones who are unknowingly being an assclown could change. Not for me or another person but for themselves because of all the women they have hurt in their past and how many failed relationships they too have had due to their assclown behaviors. We’re all guilty of these behaviors at some level. Who’s worse? Us or Them?
I don’t know if anyone’s worse LoriG but, at least from my experience, they usually won’t change because they’re so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior. And often they will even blame it all on the woman. They are usually very full of ego and quite sure that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them. In fact, they believe they are the shit.
We, of course, play into it because of our own fears and insecurities and until we take responsibility for that and take steps to correct it, we are accountable as well.
lisaq, you are so right, they are so wrapped up in themselves and have a big ego, they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior.
It is really just a waste of time to be around these type of men. I also believe the older they get – mine was early 50 – there is no way they will or want to change, they bought a one way ticket ot the “selfish planet” and there is no return.
LoriG, if they knowingly or unknowingly are assclowns, does it hurt you less because he doesn’t kow screwed up he is?
If a horse kicks you by accident or on purpose, the pain is the same, isn’t it.
We really just need to stay away from these type of men.
NML I am not sure how to understand this sentence you wrote:
Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.
Are you saying he is “waiting” on the woman to reject him?
I don’t think we can ever ever “fix” another person.. we can only take responsilbility for ourselves and work on us. It is very true when we are doing everything to fix another person we are doing so because it is too hard and too painful to look at our own lives and fix that.
My ex EUM would tell me it was him and not me…he would tell me that he was the one with the commitment problem…he wasn’t defending his behavior, he was taking the blame for it…still was so hard for me to leave and still difficult because I miss the good times, but I know he wasn’t the only one with the commitment problem, obviously I had one too…working on it though, My point is that it still hurt even if he took some responsibliity for his behavior and wasn’t acting like an assclown…not getting my needs met hurts regardless…each day with NC is making it easier…I’m more than a month now (for the final time).
lisaq you are right. I am sure none of these men ever walk into a therapist’s office and say “Im passive-aggressive and I need help”. 🙂 This was my exhusband to a T. Even when he was moving his stuff out, he was blaiming me for being too needy. Self centerness goes hand in hand with this.
Yes Astelle, they do want you to get a back bone and walk away so they can play the victim and to end their wishy washyness.
I just got home from a weekend with my EUM and the first place I come to is here because I’m so angry with myself. My EUM does the same thing finallyseendthelight did…the its me..I have a problem, I don’t know why..blah blah blah! I sat there looking at him last night and wondering what the hell I’m doing. When am I going to respect myself enough to finally opt out?
I think the sentence about him hoping you will respect yourself and opt out is actually pretty accurate, from two fronts. First, maybe not all EUM’s have insight as to what douchebags they are, but mine actually said to me once that I was “spoiling” him, and that he didn’t know what he was going to do when I told him that I couldn’t deal with him anymore. At the time, when I was all in love, I thought he was crazy, but later I realized that not only has he been down the same road many, many times, he also knew that his behavior was totally lame and unacceptable, and that any smart girl would be crazy to stick around and put up with it.
On the second front, that sentence goes back to the post about the woman ending it, even if the man doesn’t, and also the post about him treating you badly until you end it. The nature of being passive aggressive is to not be active, but rather to do nothing in order to get what you want. He doesn’t want to be responsible for ending it, and he knows that any woman with half a brain wouldn’t deal with being treated so badly, so he waits for you to get fed up – then he a) didn’t have to do anything and b) is the victim, and can use sympathy over his terrible relationship and breakup with you to lure in the next unsuspecting fallback girl. If you don’t bail, he’ll just keep getting worse and worse, all the while realizing that he can get away with pretty much anything.
Finallyseenthe light and Noelle, My ex EUM always told me it was him and not me who had the issues, until, of course, the night of the breakup where he accused me of having too many issues that were impossible to deal with…. But in retrospect, I don’t believe that when they say its them, not us, with the problems, that they mean it. Thats their cop out. Because they know we’re not going to dump them for saying that. Its their excuse for maintaining their shabby behavior and refusing to change. They are essentially saying they are screwed up, this is all they can do and/or give because of their problems, and laying it in our laps to either take it or leave it. But its their excuse for not changing. And they know we’re not leaving, we’ll stay, and help, and give, and love them until we eventually, finally somehow find the courage to see the light and leave.And thats when we lose our own self respect, when they lose respect for us, and that horrible downward spiral begins.
Noelle, sending you tons of support to do the opt out thing.
Wendy
Wendy, thank you! I really want to but I’m afraid. I was the one that intitiated the last breakup and then was the one begging him back. Which reminds me of the talking post because I have talked till I’m blue. When I finally (only a few days) later accepted this time was for real..he started coming around again. I’m afraid of not being able to maintain because as much as I want it over and this bad feeling gone, I’ve done this so many times before. It never last! Its such a hopeless feeling. Its almost like how crappy can I be treated (actually he doesn’t treat me bad) its just that he doesn’t meet my emotional needs. He is a nice guy. He has done a lot for me. He has been there when I needed him and went through a bad time and I have been going through some stuff…loss of a job etc…but he can’t give emotionally. By that I mean, his saying I love you always has a but at the end…”but, I don’t know how to handle it” etc. etc. He has even said “I don’t know if I’m capable”..which exactly makes me believe what you said. Its like, take me as I am cause thats all I can give. At least I don’t see a future with him anymore like I used to. I can say that at least.
I completely agree with Noelle when she mentioned how angry she was after being with her EUM. I think sometimes we are so hard on ourselves. We know it’s not right, we’re not getting out needs met, and we want something more. But we just keep going back, thinking maybe this time he’ll say the right thing or do the right thing which will make us think that he wants to change. I think for me since ending my relationship 3 months ago I feel more embarrassed that I could have actually put up with this crap for 2.5 yrs. There was a 9 month span in there of NC. But now I wished I had never broken off the NC rule. If I had remained NC then I would be that much farther ahead instead of having gone back and then having to deal with everything all over again. I’m a smart woman but when it came to this guy I was completely dumbfounded as to how gulable and naive I was. He got angry at me for breaking things off this last time, and said he was finished with me. OK I said. It bothers me that everyone else around him sees his pristine image. He’s always the good guy, he makes sure of that. Sometimes I am so angry I want to seek revenge but then I just focus on something else so that I can shake him from my thoughts and my life for good. Nothing good comes from revenge. The best revenge I feel is to be happy, and successful in my own life and to just keep moving on. That’s what I am trying to do. I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself of the embarrassment I still feel about letting him back in. It was far worse after the NC than it ever was b/4 the NC.
Hi,
I was with the EUM for 2 years. What a roller coaster ride. When I first met him him it was fun but soon after that like every 3 months or so, he would flake out and distance himself or blow lukewarm and then when I decided to go on with my life, he would blow super hot. What a mind game. I also noticed that he was not over his ex-wife, as he would talk about her endlessly and what she was doing and not doing and he would get super mad if he found out that she was dating someone. They both played alot head games with each other and sadly the child who is 9 years old, was in the middle of that crap. BTW, he divorced her 7 years ago and told me that she was crazy, but I never got a real answer as to when he felt that the marriage with not working, was it in year one, two or three. He lived with her for 10 years and was married for 5 years just enough time to have a child. That should have been my red flag. His mother was also a big factor. I believe that she had something to do with the break of his marriage. I was told that she and the ex-wife can’t stand each other, but the ex-wife tried to make amends but the mother would not accept it. He was a mommy’s boy to the max and told his mother everything. She called him daily and even twice a day. If she called while he was talking with me, he would become anxious and hang up with me to talk with her. She also talked about his ex-wife and what was wrong with her etc…
I finally opted out after I realized without a shadow of a doubt that this relationship was doomed and that I deserved so much more, like real love with a man who wanted to be with me and in a committed relationship. Funny my friends saw it way before I did and told me that he was not good for me. I have been out the relationship with the EUM for 3 months now with NC. I am happier and looking forward to greater opportunities for my life.
and yes he was passive aggressive, forgot to add that. He make promises and just not honor them and he would get upset if I mentioned his promises. Weird.
Me too, My EUM would make promises of getting together, or doing something in the future and nothing would happen. I only saw him a couple times per year our relationship would consist of emails and text message and sometimes a phone call (or should I say phone sex). I got to the point where I would ask about the promise to meet and he would get upset that I brought it up and told me to stop being so needy. He would send me pics of his unit and then tell him how he wanted to “do” me and nothing ever transpired. We never had intimate relations. I got to the point where if he called I wouldn’t answer the phone, I would get physically ill or shaky and full of anxiety. I wanted him to call, but when he did call I got to the point where I’d let it go to my VM and listen to it afterward. I could not be his phone whore any longer. He would then ask me why I never call him anymore or pick up the phone when he called. When I called him back I always dialed this special number which allows you to leave a voicemail without the cell phone ringing because I couldn’t talk to him. It was always lies, excuses and all about him. He rarely ever asked anything about me, my day, my workout nothing. I physcially became ill, and shook all over just trying to leave the vm. Everything was my fault, contacting him too much, not contacting him enough. Bothering him when he didn’t want to be bothered, etc.
My friends told me how bad he was for me, but it took a long time before I ever listened.
I had to hit rock bottom first. Thank GOD I’m free now, it hurts like hell but I’m free.
Isabella, was your guy addicted to Alcohol, gambling? Shopped a lot?
Did he move away from Mom and ex-wife?
How do you know that he divorced her and not her him? Him not being over the ex-wife tells me that she initiated the divorce.
How did you end this? Did you tell him or just went NC?
The EUM was addicted to smoking pot. He said that he wasn’t but I beg to differ, he smoked daily and since he was 17 now he is 48. I am not a smoker of anything. His uncle turned him on to it. Thanks uncle (not). He told me that it was natural and not a drug. Whatever. The EUM was getting forgetful about things like driving directions within a span of 5 miles.
His mom lives in another state and his ex-wife lives about 15 miles away from him now. As far as the divorce and who sought it first, I only went by what he told me, but you may be right. I went by his sad tale of how he was so hurt and what she did to him. But the thing is she is not over him either, they both play alot of games and sadly they both involve innocent people in the game playing. For instance when the child needed picking up for “his” week, the ex-wife would ask her “then” boyfriend to meet the EUM to drop the child off. This was so the boyfriend could see the EUM and vice versa. Akward and childish. Also when the ex-wife got a new boyfriend and told the EUM, the EUM would be blazing hot and curse her and yell at her over the phone. I heard some of it and I was surprised at this behavior. As for me, the ex-wife wanted to meet me right away, when I first started going out with the EUM. But who knows what he told her about me to make her make that request. The ex-wife’s boyfriends would last a very short time maybe 2-3 months tops. I think that they got tired of the sh*t and games. I don’t know how I lasted 2 years.
I ended the relationship over the phone and I told him not to call me anymore. I am embarrassed that I stayed that long, OMG what was I thinking?? I do think that he is/was seeing someone else already anyway. He stopped being available on Saturdays or Sundays, but only could see me on a Wed, Thurs or maybe Tues while on his way home from somewhere else, like I was an after thought or “by the way” or something.
Good luck to her.
Lori, I know what you mean about the anxiety and the phone. I would get anxious to if he didn’t call. I checked my home phone and cell phone to see if he called. If he didn’t I was beside myself and when he did I was relived, like a person who needed a drug fix. To get my fix sooner, I would call him. Sometimes, he told me that he did not see his missed calls from me or that his phone was on the charger or the famous, the battery was dead. I had a lot of other things going on and this should have been the least of my worries.
Sometimes I would say to myself “please text me, please text me” and then low and behold a text would come through. But when I read the txt it was so dissapointing and cold. I would reply back only to get another cold response or no response at all. If I hadn’t replied as a girl all out for fun and games he was not the least interested. He only wanted the fun/happy go lucky Lori. But I kept texting anyway. Ugh! Talk about relationship crack. OMG! I was miserable more than I was ever happy or all the interested in him. I never asked about him, where he was, who he was with, how his job was nothing. I kept for him to ask me first. Never happened. He always enjoyed talking about himself. His aches/pains, his stomach ache, his frustrating day at work, his HH with his buddies. I never replied to those things or replied. Bummer. I’m still hurting, but I’m glad to be away from him and I keep telling myself he can’t hurt me anymore. It’s up to me to get healthy, and bring on my own success. I’m excited for that, excited for what my future holds now that I am better educated on these dysfunctional men and relationships with them.
Good luck Isabella, keep the NC going.
Thank you for this post, NML. I have definitely experienced this sort of behaviour in my last relationship. I must admit, he did tell me in the beginning that he wasn’t ready to be jumping into a relationship with both feet, but I just wasn’t really listening. And he still seemed interested so we both kept going with the relationship, but it was a struggle.
I set my boundaries and when he wasn’t meeting them, I would leave (once for a month, and the second time for two months), and then we would get back together. To his credit, he always gave more each time when he came back, but it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t meeting my needs. There were also small things that were questionable, little red flags along the way too. Then I started to question myself: am I asking for too much? But, in the end I stuck to my vision, and didn’t give up, and kept asking for more. So, the cycle continued. I would ask for more, and when it reached a certain point, and it was too much for him, he would withdraw, and in turn, upset me even more. I finally ended things for good.
That was six months ago (and had no contact since, even though he tried), and I feel so much better. Realizing that I didn’t have to put up with any of it was so freeing. Sure, I miss him sometimes; I cared deeply about him, and I miss the companionship, but overall, I am so much happier.
LoriG – I feel like the biggest fool in town. Our town is small so everyone knew and now he is on to a new woman and being as nice as can be. I feel so stupid and can’t stop wondering why he treated me like crap, why I didn’t see it sooner, why he is nice to new woman… [arrrgggggghhhhh]. I need to slap myself! Even worse the guy is bad-mouthing ME and saying some terrible things that aren’t true so that he looks good.
My friend introduced me to this site. It’ wonderful, and so informative.
I have finally decided to end a off and on 4 yr relationship with an EUM. This first week has been awful. I’m crying nonstop. Today was a little better though. This EUM is currently livign with another woman, yet trying to convince me he loves both of us and I should just accept it, and that his children are attached to her and he is going to stay with her. I have tried to get away from him many times, never with any success. I feel that I must follow through this. He has even suggested that i get pregnant so I’ll be stuck with him for the next 18 yrs. I did actually get prenant earlier this year, but had a miscarriage. When I did tell him I was pregnant, (He was living with this same person….they broke up then recently got back together). He told me he would help me when he could. This other woman sees her own 2 daughters evry other weekend, and takes care of his full time. I keep wondering what she has that I don’t. I continually bailed him out of stuff and helped him. I feel like a fool. He’s still trying to communicate,telling me I’ll return like I always do.
Holly, I so hope you are not that stupid to have a baby with this man??? I am also wondering about the woman he lives with:
She sees her OWN kids only every other weekend (Probably no custody) but takes care of his full time??
What is wrong with this picture?? A woman will not leave her kids behind to be a full time Mom to somebody elses kids.
There is something really wrong…
Holly, download NML’s book as soon as you can and start reading, you will find so many answers about these kind of behavior.
Loves you both? He wants his cake and eat it too!
Astelle: No way am I insane enough to have a baby with this jerk. I’m mainly trying to just move on a disentangle myself from this web of insanity. Another jackass move was sending me pics of the 2 of them getting it on and asking me if I’d like to join in!
Holly, OMG, I can’t believe that, well you know what to do! 🙂
I just downloaded NML’s book. right up my alley.
Holly, honestly reading the part about him sending you pics of the two of them getting it on and asking you to join in made my stomach do a flip flop. This is so hurtful, and it reminds me all too well of some of things my EUM did. He sent me txt pics of his unit all the time wanting to know how I’d like it, or if I wanted to do him. But we never had sexual relations, he was married and kept telling me he wasn’t ready yet. I’ve oftened told myself, “well at least I didn’t have sex with him” but it doesn’t make things any easier. It almost seems worse, because I truly was being led on and no matter how many times I tried to end it I’d still keep going back for more. These men are sickening, and disgraceful and they have no remorse or think nothing is wrong with how they are behaving towards us. Read the book, do the NC, and get on with your life. You deserve so much better. Run from this guy, run like you’re hair is on fire!!!
Lori,
Despite all the atrocious behavior this man has displayed torwards me, I have also gone back for more more than once. He always would say something that would make me question my decision, and, inevitably, I would come back. This time I am determined to break off this relationship for good. I am having a hard time with NC. Why? I’m starting to wonder what the hell is the matter with me. Sometimes I still find myself obsessing about “why her and not me”. Thanks for listening ladies!
Lori,
Despite all the atrocious behavior this man has displayed torwards me, I have also gone back for more more than once. He always would say something that would make me question my decision, and, inevitably, I would come back. This time I am determined to break off this relationship for good. I am having a hard time with NC. Why? I’m starting to wonder what the hell is the matter with me. Sometimes I still find myself obsessing about “why her and not me”.
There is nothing wrong with you Holly. You have to read the book, at least promise me you will stay NC until after you’ve gotten through the whole book. Set that as a goal, if you need moral support use this site and get support from those of us that have been there and can help you through it. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Stay strong, set a goal for yourself of NC and once you meet that goal set another one. These goals can be small or short term, they don’t have to be long term. Just take one day at a time, stay in the here and now do what you can today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here and let go of all the yesterdays. You found this site for a reason now let us help you get through it. Just one step at a time, one feeling at a time, one moment at a time. You can do it, believe in yourself!
Holly, what a royal ass-wipe he is!!!
Stay with us, girl. We are in rehab and taking care of each other.
Holly, “why her and not me?” I gave you my opinion on her, yes, I know that I don’t know her circumstances for not raising her OWN kids, but it doesn’t sound good to me at all. Do you have kids?
I have kids and I promise you, somebody would have to cut my arms off before I would leave my kids behind.
Let those two be “happy” and move on, read Natalie’s book, highlight stuff for quick reference – I did when I started to doubt myself – stick with NC and you will feel better.
Lori, I don’t remember your story right now, did you just have an e-mail “relationship” with that guy? Did you ever see him?
He is married, reason number one to stay away from him.
You said he sent you pictures of his unit (Gag), sounds to me he is a pervert, getting off on knowing a woman is looking at his unit. (still gagging). 🙂
Give me a quick recap on this dude if you don’t mind.
Hi Astelle, my recap is the guy was married and we worked together for 6 yrs – nothing ever happened during that time. I left the company and he pursued me thru email, then he somehow convinced me to let him help me out at this new company after hours. I’m an IT Manager and I went from a large co. to a small family owned co. and was the only IT person so there was a lot to do. So that’s how this whole mess started and he made a couple passes at me, which I stopped, but as the book says he just persisted he wouldn’t stop. I kept saying it was business(work) only he kept trying for more (but never produced anything) and so the story goes. All of sudden he became unreliable, would cancel at the last minute after he committed to working. So I told him to get lost and he was fired. He then blew HOT, really HOT kept calling, emailing, apologizing but I never let him come back to the office. He did some work for me off-site but I would drop off equipment at his house and he would be all touchy feely and once he hugged me and I felt his unit. I pushed him away and said I’m not dropping stuff off here anymore. He would then get cold, really cold his emails would stop, his txt msg would stop. I thought I had worked on my self-esteem and I was doing much better b/4 I met him. I realize now that I had a long ways to go.
All of a sudden he would blow HOT, that’s when I got sucked back in. I don’t even remember now how the sick sexual txt msgs, emails and pics started. It just did and I (like a dope) fell for it. And when he blew COLD, frigid cold, I would be like an addict needing a fix. Trying to get his attn and getting almost nothing in return. He is a first class narcissist. He refused to see me, or meet me it was all just email, phone, txt. I kept asking myself the same thing Holly is. “What’s wrong with me”. Well, there was nothing wrong that a little self-esteem wouldn’t fix.
I must have tried NC at least 5-6 times for periods of weeks and months and then he would txt and leave msgs on my work nbr. How much he “missed me”. Then I would go back, he would claim he changed and the sickening cycle would start all over. He admitted he was obsessed with me, my body, having sex with me etc and I still didn’t see the clues. And here’s the thing ladies, listen when a man tells you something you’d rather not here or don’t want to accept. They are telling you exactly where they stand with you. Stop denying their words, and listen and get away from these sick perverted, disgusting guys. You know they are only after sex, because they will in some way tell you they are. So listen, not just with your ears, but your heart, your gut everything.
It got so bad that when this guy contacted me I would get physically ill, stomach aches, headaches, you name it. When I would txt him my hands would be shaking, and sometimes I’d leave him a msg praying he would not call me back because just the thought of talking to him made me cringe. But it took me 2 years, to dump him. I went from a size 6 to a size 12 in that time, I lost all respect for myself, and doubted all my talents and abilities. I’d never felt so horrible being involved with any human being. Not ever.
He contacted me for the last time 3 months ago to tell me his wife was pregnant. It was the last straw for me, as I had been working on myself with everything I had. I was to a point that I had no real feelings for him anymore, and I was less and less available to him. He was blowing WARM then, because he was trying to keep me around. You know for that rainy day when his wife wouldn’t put out, or was in a mood. But I let him have it, I got to say everything I wanted to say and he (as ususal) would not take responsibility for one thing. Said nothing was intentional, never apologized, was cold as hell and even angry that I confronted him.
So, somewhere along the line I ran across this site and downloaded the book first thing. Read it in hours and now I’m getting my head on straight, my life back on track, and I’m taking care of myself. I’m a codependent caretaker, it’s a disease which allows people (women too) to be attracted to you because of how caring, and how willing you are to put other people’s needs b/4 your own. I’ve been in therapy and have also joined a Coda group. It has helped a great deal.
The other thing which helped is that I began to journal my feelings, thoughts, etc everyday so I could go back and read what was happening. Because for some reason b/4 I conveniently forgot stuff. This helped stay real with myself and to see the patterns and start to pay more attn to my own body signals. It helped me stay focused on what I needed to do to get free and to take care of myself.
It’s a journey, but a journey worth traveling. You get your own life back, you empower yourself, and you begin to radiate a new kind of energy. But first you have to break free, first you have to enforce the NC rule that’s the only way they will ever leave you alone. Thanks NML!!!
Hi ladies, Hope everyone had a decent weekend. Its been 2 days NC for me, and to be honest, I don’t feel horrible.Of course, he hasnt called me and I haven’t called him. I dont’ know if I would have picked up the phone if he had called. I did speak to the EUM on friday, and told him basically that the “Old Holly” was out the door. He told me that I should have begun setting boundaries in the beginning, not 4 years later! Then he starts blowing hot again and calls me 4 times in a hour. It still felt great to say it. Am I still afraid of being alone? yes, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. I, like Lori, am considering joining a CODA group. I think it might help. I’m starting to realize that perhaps the other woman my EUM is living with probably does have something I don’t:more than likely some undesirable traits that I don’t have. He is an emotional blackmailer. I know this is going to be hard, but I am determined this time to be rid of this nutcase i know now after reading a few self-help books on emotionally abused women that I must also try and resolve some issue I have with my father, who was, and still continues to be EXTREMELY emotionally abusive.
Read “Women who love too much”. That along with NML’s book will put things in perspective for you and will help guide you in the direction that is best for YOU and that’s what’s important here. Stay NC it works. Really it does.
This morning the EUM text messages me with ” Good luck finding a new man since you don’t want me anymore and I’m not leaving Michelle (his GF)”. This is after 3 days of NC. What the hell? Thank God I downloaded NML’s book. This guy seriously makes me feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown sometimes.
Sounds to me like he is in the *angry* stage of knowing you are not at his beck and call. The last time my EUM and I broke up after about 3 days of NC he text me saying he wanted to ask me something, then he text me asking if I had run back to the man I was seeing before him. Pretty much the same thing your EUM is doing. Let him be angry! You keep healing and keep NC! You will be so much better off.
Holly, save yourself now. Don’t respond and I recommend that you have your cell number changed. He has clearly stated his intentions are with his GF, and he’s trying to draw you out – don’t get sucked into any more drama with this guy.
Stay NC, take steps to protect yourself from him. Changing your phone number on home and cell will help you when you are wishing for him to call. He can’t call, text or whatever because your numbers are changed. If you have an email account get it changed or contact them and have his email address blocked. This way you’re not wishing or waiting for him to send an email. If he does he will get a kick back stating he’s been blocked or he will get no response because the account has been cancelled.
You deserve so much more than this guy has to offer, just keep reading some of the posts on this site, re-read parts of the book and stay strong. Love doesn’t hurt this bad, loving someone isn’t this frickin hard. You can do it!!!
I agree with Tryingtoleavehim….she’s right let him be angry. Stay NC!
I told him that since, according to him, i’m crazy anyway, and he should be happy to be done with me. It just aggravates the hell out of me that he’s making me out to be the bad guy here! He moved in with someone else while i put my damn life on hold for 4 yrs. I’m trying to stay angry so I don’t backslide.
Thank you Lori and tryingtoleavehim! I am determined to not go back this time. I’m scared a little to be alone (stupid, i guess, since I’m almost 30). I think I will be ok. It’s nice to have this site to fall back on.
Thank you Lori and tryingtoleavehim! I’m scared a little to be alone (stupid, i guess, since I’m almost 30). I think I will be ok. It’s nice to have this site to fall back on.
Holly- the texting back/forth is going to make you crazy. No one wins here. It’s a game, it’s drama and you need to cut the cord immediately! NC is the only way to get you off this rollercoaster.
You’re right. it’s pointless. I’ve been making some headway and I don’t want to go back to being so crazy and unhappy all the time. I’t funny, I really didn’t expect that when i finally came to the decision to break ties forever. I guess he really did need me more than I needed him.
Holly, I did go back, that was over a month ago and I’m not really happy because I know that really, nothing has changed. He hasn’t commited the way I want. But at the same time I can’t seem to break away now either. I think about it which is at least a step closer than I was 6 months ago. 6 months ago I was totally blind but with the help of this site and my reading it daily at least now I know what I need to do, I understand him a little better so that is a positive thing. Maybe its my fear of being alone at 40! Do whatever you have to do not to banter back and forth because that is what HE wants…even with the negative communication, its responding to him. When you ignore him and don’t respond, he will know its over and the decision has been made and even more empowering is YOU have made it. Not him. Keep hanging in!
It really amazes me how I got sucked into all these lies and bullshit. I’m so smart about alot of other things but not about him.
LoriG, I just ordered the book “Women who love too much” along with “Breaking your addiction to a person” so maybe those with NML’s book I will finally get an expolsion in my head (for the last time) and finally end it for the last time! I’m working on the backout plan so I have a date set. Now, I have my reading to do! Thanks for the advice!
Tryingtoleavehim and Holly- you are both smart, beautiful, talented and worth more than these assclowns can ever offer. Nothing will be gained by you beating yourself up about them, we’ve all been there that’s why we’re here trying to help you through it. There’s nothing wrong with you that a some self-esteem won’t fix. Do the work on YOU, get your life back, get your self-esteem built back up and life will get easier day by day.
When I was doing NC I did positive affirmations all the time I had some in my purse, in my car, on my bathroom mirror every where I could think of to help me feel good about ME.
Stay strong!
Tryingtoleavehim-Excellent. Let me know how you like the book about “Breaking your addiction to a person” I almost bought that one and didn’t.
You’re headed down the right path now, keep doing the work, keep moving forward and making plans for you new life. You know…the one WITHOUT HIM!!! Get excited about all the things you’ve wanted to do and put off because of this stupid assclown. Your life isn’t on hold any longer it’s well worth living!
Tryingtoleavehim… I took me 4 YEARS of emotional turmoil for me to finally throw in the towel. Every day is hard for me, but everyday is also a little easier. I’m 29 , and i have a 3 yr old son. I keep reminding myself that I don’t want him to grow up to be the sort of man who treats women this way, and if he sees me accepting this sort of behavior, he wil think it is appropriate. You are not alone. at the very least, you have us on this site who have or are experiencing the same thing. Also understand that he more than likely plays these kinds of games with every woman in his life (if there are other woman). I have low self esteem, but i’m working hard on it. At the very least we are entitled to our sanity! another very good book is “men who hate women and the women who love them” by Susan Forward.
Holly, you are right about your 3 yr old son. They learn from example and he is still at a very impressionable age. You can change it for him, it’s not too late.
I have a teen age son and he is almost identical to his father with his attitude, his talking down to me it’s like I’m reliving the nightmare all over again. I love my son, and he’s still young and immature and I won’t give up on him but he learned all this stuff years ago. Even when I thought I was protecting him from it.
Nip it in the bud now, get your son away from this guy. He is not a role model. Keep up the good work on your self-esteem, it’s important that’s what will keep you strong and able to set boundaries and stick with them. You’ll need that for later too, with your son when he becomes a teenager! 🙂
Holly, thank you. I almost got that book to. I am amazed that this man was married for 17 years and wonder how men like this even get married! I don’t understand it but at the same time it doesn’t matter. That is part of me obsessing on why her not me! Everything on this site is so right on. As for the role model thing, when I first met him one of the things I fell in love with was his stories of his childhood. It seemed so normal. He had loving and doting parents. I just don’t get where this behavior comes from. I dont have children but he does and I have TOLD HIM that they need to see loving relationships. UGH, but here we go again with the talk, talk and endless mouth moving with nothing being heard. LoriG, I will let you know how the book is. I can’t wait to read more as knowledge is power.
One thing i seem to be having problem with is second guessing myself. I sometimes find myself thinking “maybe I was too hasty”. I know I wasn’t. He’ll never change.
Tryingtoleavhim, I obsess too. Soon, it will become easier to think of other things. Keep reading the books to keep yourself in tune with reality. It’s so easy to get bogged down with the why’s and how come’s. DO NOT make this your problem. Don’t put your life on hold. Let him sort the shit out on his own. You can’t do it for him. Work on feeling good about YOU.
Holly-he is mean to you, he disrespects you. You haven’t been too hasty. The second guessing is the part of you who is insecure talking, and the best thing is to cancel out those thoughts immediately as they come in with positive ones.
He will not change, he will not change, this isn’t about you.
The thing with my EUM is he is not mean. He is sweet to me. I’ve had a rough time in my personal life and he has been there for me every step of the way. When I thought he would leave he didn’t. Its just when it comes down to the I loves yous and the commitment for a future its “I don’t know and I’m unsure and I don’t know if I am even capable.” I used to play house and pretend that everything was okay when we were together but now I see myself years down the road with nothing more than we have now. So, when we are together, sometimes, I will sit and say what the heck am I doing here? Like I have said before, at least I have awaken from the fairytale dreamland I used to be in. Its almost like I’m just still in bed, awake from the dream and not quite ready to get up yet. I know when I do finally get up…that will be it.
I’ll admit about the obsessing too. My ex EUM was into hockey, he wrote for a hockey blog, he had season tickets you name it. So at some point my distorted mind thought well, if I get into more hockey he will accept me. So I read hockey blogs, went to hockey games, learned hockey lingo, got up on the stats of players, watched his favorite hockey team every time they were on TV and then I every week I would read his hockey blog as my way of being close to him in some way. Ugh! I did this for 2 yrs
Now, I’ve almost lost all interest in hockey. I have all this great hockey knowledge and could almost care less now. It took the wind right out of my sails for the game.
He never changed, whether I was into hockey or not. Make sense? I tried to morph him, and look where I ended up? On relationship crack for goodness sakes.
Rule #1 – Just be yourself (once you get re-focused and actually know who “yourself” is)
Holly-sorry about the mean comment. It’s even harder when they are opposite, I feel for you either way.
Lori G-
no worries- This dude is like crack and I must get away! I don’t really understand why he’s even contacting me since he lives with the person he wanted the relationship with.
I just had this thought. Why is it these assclowns keep contacting us when they are clear about not leaving their wife, the gf or whatever? If it’s so great with wife or gf why can’t they just leave us alone? Even after we go to NC. They still feel they have to have us. It’s crazymaking.
Lori G-
I totally agree. Here is a post I put on Craigslist if anyone would care to read it. Might give you a laugh.
http://atlanta.craigslist.org/rnr/924257111.html
LoriG, that has to be the best craigslist post I’ve ever seen. Well put!
Har har!
Holly, you are coming along quite well to have a sense of humor about it!
Thanks Lori G and Regina! I was hoping i wasn’t the only one who saw the humor. It can be theraputic to laugh at ourselves sometimes
I said LorG when I should have said Holly…I stay in a constant state of confusion. LOL; it is good to have humor. Keep it up!!!
“Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.” But what about when you do opt out, tell him to scram, and he STILL continues to chase you? I know my EUM makes me miserable and he crossed a line with me and i just flat out ignored him. HARD but i did it yet for the past week, everytime i look it is some darn missed call, text asking to see me and EVEN and apology. What is the bst way to go, i really want to get happy again and this one wont’ get the hint. Any help? thank you….
Hi Audrey. In terms of dealing with his behaviour all you can do is ignore it. They eventually get the message but it may get worse before it gets better. Unfortunately it requires willpower and determination that you’ll have to pull from reserves you have deep down within. These men learn through repetition so just as much as you teach a pattern by accepting the behaviour or taking them back after a certain time of ignoring, you can teach them a whole new lesson by sticking to your guns. Eventually, they do get the message and they slink away. They may try again in a few months or longer but then they find a different you who is no longer interested or has moved on so they have to accept that the door is closed. I wouldn’t worry too much about what he’s doing. Don’t feed the demon of his ego and thirst for attention. You should be focusing on moving forward because the fact that he tries to call or text shouldn’t stop you from getting on with your life. You know him and you know his behaviour.
Thanks so much! i need girls to help me get stronger. I am pretty far down, don’t feel great about myself and slightly confused why he woudl want me like this… so i need to get strong and move along. thanks!!
Reading these comments has really helped me. I am on day 5 of NC after a 6 year on/off relationship with a man who has intentionally hurt me emotionally time and time again. I found this site just at the right time, it’s like a sign!
I am yoyo-ing between feeling that he is right and this site is wrong and vice-versa, but I know deep down that the grim reality is that I have been used and abused for years by a mean-spirited, passive-aggressive ‘man’. I have felt every emotion over the last few days. First I felt elation – that I knew he would be suffering and thinking about me. Then I felt scared and panicky – ‘What have I done?! How dare I think I am strong enough to get out!’. Now I am blazing with anger, how could I have been so stupid?
I cant quite bring myself to block his email address…I have deleted all emails from him, which was a biggie for me!
I am blown away by how amazing you all are. A bunch of strong, intelligent, articulate women. I have drawn so much strength from all of your stories. We can do this!
I just got out of the most passive/aggressive mentally disturbing relationship I can imagine. I cut it off quite soon and have no wants to go back. I swear to God that this boy’s own birth was my fault. I have never, ever met anyone so nice and so mean at the same time and yes it is about control. Watch out for boys who have Mommy and Daddy issues ladies, they are very messed up and if you are a caretaker, you will be taken advantage of. Go for the nice men from good families and be aware of this from the very beginning……Just a little tidbit from experience. Merry Christmas!!
Wow. Glad I found and read these post. I just broke it off with a guy for being really disrespectful to me. I was conflicted because I love him and he is sweet most of the time but he was insulting me. I’ve known him for a month and it’s been pretty intense. We are an inter-racial couple and he kept making comments about other cultures that weren’t so nice. Well, it’s funny but when I get my period, things get magnified and I see clearer…it’s like automatic housecleaning time. He tried that insult bs with me at the wrong time ladies and even I didn’t see it coming but I gave him the boot. Oddly enough I’m wondering if I over reacted but I find him to be soooo self absorbed. I said “baby, what’s my favorite color”…he said “I don’t know your favorite color but mine is Royal Blue.” Well, that said it all for me and kind of summed up the whole relationship…he could care less about really getting to know me and he could not put aside his self centeredness. I HATE THAT I LOVE HIM. I will be so honest and tell you all that the loving/sex/passion was good!!! But I need more. The flip side is also that he made me the center of his life, his little audience and I’ve seen him get really depressed when I’m away on business. I do worry a bit about how this breakup will affect him, but I feel a bit of self respect for myself, finally I recognized that I feel so invisible in this relationship and THAT’S NOT OK. It is hard –bonding happens-breathing in his pheromones. I’ll be all right though, I’ve got a bustling career and I’m in recovery to stop picking glorified loosers. I know growing up with a narcissistic mom taught me to cater and dance around others especially men. I got it twisted. I am learning though…slowly at age 41…ouch.
Canaan-You go girl! You’ve got the right idea, just keep on with the recovery piece, you sound very positive.
I have been married to one of these men for 22 years. Only in the last 5 years have i really noticed how bad he is and thats mainly because i have done a lot of internet research. Life has been full of broken promises, procrastination and avoidance on his part. His way of dealing with problems is to sulk and dish out the silent treatment. He rarely speaks but walks about with this “i am so sad” look on his face which leaves everyone wondering what they did wrong. He just lost his job before christmas because his PA behaviour was not tolerated in the workplace. He is the most laid back man i ever met as long as no one rocks the boat and expects anything from him. Emotionally he describes himself as “emotionally detached” and blames that on the fact he had to come second best when our two beautiful children arrived. He never takes responsibility for anything. 12 years ago he cheated and of course that was my fault because i was too busy to pander to his every whim. I have stopped discussing problems with him. I know he will never change. When i feel that things get too much i walk away and write in my journal which really frustrates and angers him. I am sure he loves all the relationship discussions (even though he never responds) because he gets attention. I have stopped it totally. x
Debbie,
Why don’t you two go to counseling?
Counseling won’t help, I divorced mine after 18 years, they won’t change and also they don’t feel like they need counseling.
He doesnt see there is a problem. Its all down to me being overly sensitive and never being satisfied according to him. Every discussion i ever had with him he just sat there fixated on the tv, shaking his head in disgust. All he ever says is “i go to work and bring home the money, maybe i should jack my job in and see how far we get then”. Thats all he does do if i am honest because the rest of the time he is either deeply concentrating on the tv or persuing online gaming avidly. Theres so much more i can say but what i dont understand is why get married in the first place if he cannot give anything of himself? x
I found when I was dating an assclown – his actions were controdicting words. For instance: I would kiss him; I could feel him backing away and him stating “you sure like to kiss don’t you?”… then confronted him and his reply was “Kissing you is my favorite thing to do!” OKAY ASSCLOWN!!! If you don’t want to kiss me why the hell are we dating in the first place, be gone! LOL … One of those guys who came on strong and backing off – MY BAD for not sticking with stronger boundaries.
My fellas actions have always left me feeling puzzled! Ive never got my head around the fact he witholds affection as a form of punishment accompanied by the silent treatment. He communicates in non-verbal ways. Its all done with facial gestures and body language. Half the time i never know what i have done wrong and it then becomes like a multiple choice quiz! …. are you unhappy because………? fill in the blanks! He has a very addictive personality and during down time he fixates on the latest addiction. Every spare moment being dedicated to it. He has had a gambling addiction in the past, partying addiction, fishing addiction and now its online gaming. Anything that can take him away from problems within the marriage itself. Yet he says he is happy! His face is constantly set in stone. Everyone that ever knew him says he is a miserable man with an attitude problem! x
All True!!!
I am starting a counselling course at the end of April and hope this will help. I have asked him to join me but his answer is “why change something thats worked for 22 years”. My reply was “because its stopped working”. x
I am starting pyschotherapy on Friday as I have been obsessing for nearly 18 months now and still cant seem to move on. He’s with someone else now and has been for about a year. She was his best mates partner and I knew her well, even went out together. They broke up just before he walked out on me, and I knew she was making a play for him, the tart. Still they deserve each other. I was promised marriage and got a beautiful expensive ring, and we planned our future together and he was really wonderful to me for the first year and then started to back off. I know he was taking drugs, he smoked cannabis and used cocaine and so did she, both running up debts. I know am so better out of it, but still cant stop thinking about him. I began to phone those bloody psychics, as it was one predicted that I would meet him and I did exactly as they said, but they never predicted this would happen and said that he would come back. So I have waited and waited until I found out last week he was with her and she wrote me a scrappy note stating that he was happy, in love and married. She must be as insecure as me. Yes and he is her problem now thank God, and I have to sort out mine.
I have just come across this site and I find it amazing.
I myself am in a relalationship a year and a half, he was my good friend for a few years before. Things were great when we became a couple, felt natural, I knew al along it was meant be.
Im an independent and strong minded person, but now as I think back Im not how I used to be. The recently constant arguing has worn me down. I think we clash, but i give in more often to just stop d argument. I grew some of my old balls back last month when I finally called it a day, because the day we came back from a 10 day holiday he claimed he felt ‘ugh’ after spending so much time with me!!! So naturally he came back promising things will change for he better and i gave him a chance. Now, a month on, he’s just told me Im CLINGY!!! I see him once maybe twice a week, when I do I enjoy it although lately he’s been diatant so iv upped my game an have kissed and hugged him randomly to see can i get d slightest bit of affection back from him and now im ‘clingy’! Im baffled! he’s saying now he doesn know what he wants and neither do I and I know this sounds silly because it looks like he obviously wants us to end, but with our history I know its not that easy.. for both of us! We are in love, but the arguments are just to much.. again, for both of us.
What do I do?!
OMG! I really hope I’ve found this site a whole lot earlier. Would have saved me from all the heart ache & pain. I was definately dating a passive agressive, emotionally unavailable, selfish MM who only loves himself & blows hot & cold & then try to twill me ard his pinky!
Antonia,
My two cents worth.. I think u shld take a break from this relationship & start to focus on urself cos he’s makin u feel like a lesser person. There’s always a history with a loved one. Or maybe, he still loves you but is not in love with you?
Take time off, minimal or no contact. If u guys managed to get back together again, reaffirmed the basic values/fnds of ur relationship. Then u’ve got urself a keeper. Rite now at the rate it’s wearing both of u out(esp u), I doubt it”ll be easy for u guys to even stay as frens after this whole episode. I hope this helps & I know it’s painful & frustrating. Be strong!
After doing alot of research and self discovery in trying to fix my lifes problems, it came to light that I was an “assclown” or a Passive Aggressive male..
Every bit of reading i’ve done so far claims that we are “beyond all hope” and that we’ll “never change.” I really hope that isn’t true, because I can’t stand having it. I don’t ever -mean- to do it, it’s those moments when we get “hot” and we can’t control our actions, words, even thoughts.. It sickens me after I realize what I said or did, but it’s always too late and it always ends the same.
I’ve also learned that it’s caused by childhood development, being taught anger isn’t a normal feeling, or getting scolded for showing anger, causing us to repress it. That being the case, perhaps that could link with how to fix the issue.
Again, I wish to rid myself of this problem, i’m in a serious relationship and it causes so much tension. Now all of our arguments make so much more sense after learning about this, it’s all -me- causing the problems.
We are going to work together on it, All you need is Love.
.-= Dan´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net =-.
p.s. I hope my posts show that not all men enjoy feeling this way, or having this problem. 🙁
.-= Dan´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net =-.
Hi
I wanted to give a real example of what is happening to me in this newish relationship. Newish because even though it’s been a year – I am 2 years out of a divorce [my decision – no third parties].
OK this man is married – but I hope I am in a safe forum where people will please not be too judgemental but try to help if poss. He has been married for 20 years – and has had a number of affairs [one for 10 years]. His wife is 5 years older and he says they have not had sex for 13 years.
I am not ready to settle down with anyone. My marriage was very abusive and the divorce though my decision took a lot out of me.
Anyway, this guy just sees me when he wants – always with very little notice, takes lots of holidays on his own and with his wife – again with very short notice. But i know her is very fond of her.
We met at work and though I cannot afford holidays I have just had a week off work to recharge my batteries. He text me every day [sometimes twice] and then called to say he was coming round to drop off a camera I had lent and would call when he was nearer. I was finishing off a job application when he rang to say he was outside. I was sitting in bed with my laptop so I saved my work, put my shoes on, brushed my hair etc and went out. As I went out the door he texted me saying time is tight and he had to go back. The journey had been a 2 hour cycle ride.
Whenever I try to cool things we have always ended back together as he is a car driver and my work has relocated nearly 2 hours by public transport from my house. i come home with him – He is a senior manager and I am telesales.
I am trying to get a new job. Help I love him but am feeling controlled and feel I am just a pastime to keep his marriage going.
Is there any hope? I have got really upset today after the camera incident. Thank you anyone who might be able to help.
My mind is blown away by information that I have learned about passive aggressive behavior. I used to think that I was going crazy or that it was something wrong with me. My husband is the poster child for this ailment. At this point I am over it. I know that I have to do what I need to do to keep myself sane and get out of this situation. I have been going back and forth with this for quite awhile because I don’t want to break up a family unit for the sake of our children but at this point I don’t know if staying with him is the example that my children need to be influencing them. I am literally starting to be disgusted by the sight of him because I refuse to allow him to victimize me any longer. I realize that the primary problem has been that I gave him WAY TOO MUCH power over me and NEVER again. It seems at times that he is attempting to force me to leave him because he is too much of a coward to do what he really wants to do or perhaps that because I have told him on several occasions that if he wants to leave then is he more than free to do that he won’t actually do it because he thinks it will make me happy and give me what I want. I don’t know but what I do know is I am going to leave his problem and refusal to acknowledge that he needs some professional help with him. I’m DONE