In parts one and two of this series, I explored the dynamics of passive-aggressive behaviour and how Mr Unavailables or assclowns may behave, but also how a woman might behave in some common scenarios.
In today’s post, I will look at some ways of dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour and some tips for avoiding it. But before we get to that, I will do a quick recap.
Passive-aggressive behaviour can take shape in many forms but a very common form of it is saying and agreeing to something but actually having no intention of doing it. Basically conflicting words and actions, the cornerstone of relationships with Mr Unavailables and assclowns.
In the typical Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl relationship, she confronts him about his behaviour. She demands that the situation change or that she leave (even though it’s more likely that she’s not – another form of passive aggression). Because he lacks the balls to admit that he is incapable of doing what is asked and also because he doesn’t like being out of control of the situation, he insists that things will be different even though he often knows they won’t be. He then ends up doing what he always does. He gets his way and manages down your expectations.
But she has numerous ways of being passive-aggressive, such as refusing to accept his character and behaviour for what they are and leaving, and instead often quietly trying to impose change without much success. She doesn’t communicate directly because to do so may force a decision.
Passive-aggressive behaviour means that we avoid responsibility for our actions.
What can often end up taking place in these dysfunctional relationships is that he indulges in passive-aggressive behaviour because he doesn’t want a confrontation. She indulges in passive-aggressive behaviour because she feels ‘powerless’ and doesn’t want to or doesn’t think she can change things.
Have you ever been in a situation where you have had yet another intense discussion about your relationship with the man in your life, and he insists he will change, so you start trying to do more coupley things? Still, he behaves like a complete assclown, ruining things?
- Like planning a romantic meal to show your ‘togetherness’ and him not turning up or turning up late.
- Agreeing to go on holiday and then behaving like a complete dickhead in the lead-up to it or on the holiday so that you end up arguing and wondering why the hell you bothered.
- Agreeing to move in together. He hates every apartment/house he sees, though, or comes up with excuse after excuse as to why you can’t move into his yet or him into yours.
All of this screams I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU! OR AT LEAST I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU IN THE WAY YOU WANT ME TO BE WITH YOU. SO I’M GOING TO ACT LIKE AN ASSCLOWN BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE THE BALLS TO BE DIRECT.
Passive aggression is about obstacles.
He creates obstacles, and after a while, YOU become the obstacle, and you create obstacles and focus on all of the wrong things so that you don’t have to concentrate on the things that matter and make a change. But keep in mind that both parties are capable of the same types of behaviour.
So how to deal with passive aggression in relationships
Stop talking and not following through with actions.
This is one of the primary trappings of women in poor relationships. You love having umpteen Defining The Relationship talks, breakups, analysis, intense discussions, etc., but you do nothing. Learn to commit to what you say and follow through. Or zip it. You’ll find that when there are consequences of having to do something, you’ll be more careful about running your mouth.
Is there a purpose to what you are saying or doing?
If something isn’t going to result from what you are saying or doing, why say or do it? Remember, if you keep doing something and getting the same shitty result, stop doing it. That’s relationship insanity. When you start to engage with him, say to yourself, Have I been down this road before? Are things going to be any different?
Learn to communicate your expectations.
Saying what’s on your mind is an opportunity to sanity-check yourself and ensure that the other party is on board. Just because you feel something for someone does not mean you can place your expectations on them.
Stop being a yes person.
No is not a dirty word and helps to set boundaries. If you end up feeling negative and not being true to your words, it creates distrust. Discover the joy of saying no.
Stop pretending to be happier than what you are.
At least if you start behaving in a way that is more consistent with how you really feel, you have a greater chance of opting out far sooner from inappropriate relationships.
Avoid creating drama for effect and reacting to your internal fears.
People quickly see through your acting up to test them out. You’ll have no impact. They will also regard you as a Drama Seeker. It’s incredibly manipulative to use creating drama to elicit reaction or change. Halt and step back.
Create boundaries and maintain them.
Every woman should know the unacceptable core things so that these act as her sign to take a parachute and jump, even when the libido and the heart may be running interference. Women wouldn’t be in these dodgy relationships if they learned to have boundaries. This is about knowing what is unacceptable as well as who you are and sticking to it instead of making excuses.
Be direct.
Instead of saying one thing and meaning another, “Yes, of course, I’m OK with us being casual”, when inside you’re having a nervous breakdown, speak up. The moment you agree to things you don’t want is when he can shelve responsibility.
Accept when you behave inappropriately.
Don’t legitimise your behaviour by saying, “Well, he’s an assclown, so I did X, Y, Z,” because you know what? You’re responsible for you. Start recognising when you’re not being honest, inconsistent about what you’re saying and doing, and when you create drama. These actions are about avoiding responsibility, facing up to yourself, and making a change.
Stop accepting BS and force him to communicate directly.
Rather than take any glimmer of something he says and turn a crumb into a king-size loaf, take what he says and question it further. Please don’t allow him to be wishy-washy; ask the who, what, where, when, and why, and get clever about using closed questions to force directness.
Step into a new chapter of love and self-awareness with the ‘Break The Cycle’ ecourse.
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I wish I would have read this article and found this site 2 years ago. I think it would have spared me considerable grief…urgh..But on the good side, I was feeling horrible/sad/mad/hurt about my ex today and now I feel much better. Thank you!
I think in many ways I did all the things you are suggesting here to deal with PA behavior at first. But over time I got wore down and due to my own inability to follow-thru he kept coming back and managing down my expectations. I became affraid of him (another clue to leave), because he was a jekyl and hyde, I never knew how he would react so I clammed up. Good advice, I’m keeping this list with me and memorizing the steps.
I agree with Christine. This site is a GOD-SEND. I was (on my way out) with the EUM for just over a year. I’ve tried many times to leave but always ended up back in the same, or rather, worse place with him. I analyzed and rationalized every single way I could, tried to believe I was happy and okay with it, until I found this site over a month ago. Ever since then, everything became crystal clear, it was as if I had seen the light, finally. Everything made sense, it was the clearest I’ve ever seen him. It was the point where I really made the firm decision and is currently under the “get out plan.” This time, I actually WANT to leave him and I lost so much interest in this kind of guy. His games are so apparent. And every time I’m tempted to go back to him, let him use me for a booty call, I just read posts on this site for a wake-up call. Thank you so much, NML. You’ve been far more help than my therapist 🙂
Amen, Jesyca!!!
Ladiies……I have to share something that was so funny I read It was a dating article about singles parties and a man wrote it. He said what we have all said:
“I have a history of being attracted to unavailable girls. When I hit on a girl, I usually first see her glowing in a crowd. There were plenty of cute girls in the bar, but none of them had that little glow. I’m afraid only girls with boyfriends have that glow for me. Also, girls that are so emotionally unavailable, they will eventually drive me insane — they have that glow too”
OMG…when I read that I almost choked on my SOBE..lol. So just adding a little humor and kind of interesting coming from a guy. NML maybe you should write a book about women assclowns although I’m sorry to say I believe the majority of them are men.
Anyway I had a good laugh and thought y’all would too.
I have read many relationship self-help books and end up more confused than ever. The books tell you not to do too much of this, make sure you do that, etc. For instance if you’re too nice he’ll lose interest, if you pursue him he’ll lose interest… let the guy do things for you because it makes him feel masculine. Yet at the same time don’t be too needy, have a live of your own. On top of that it’s treat people the way you want to be treated.
So you are wildly attracted to a guy but he’s not doing things for you and he’s not pursuing you. So you let him know you’re interested by starting a conversation, flirting with him, maybe asking him if he wants to go to a party or something with you. You are nice to him because you want him to be nice to you. Things aren’t working out the way you hoped so you go back to the book and read that you screwed up.
With me then I feel even worse blaming myself for messing up something that I thought could have been sweet. He’s on to the next woman and seems to be treating her well. Did she do everything right?
It doesn’t seem to sink into my head that some guys are just jerks and that no matter how you behaved he would still be a jerk. The only thing I messed up was ignoring the red flags and getting involved anyway. That’s the thing that hangs me up with these EUMs… I’m still physically attracted. They guy was never what I would call a real sweetheart or nice guy. He was exciting and just out of reach the whole time. Those damn books though make you think if you just follow the advice you’ll succeed.
interesting article…actually while reading this i was reminded of my own antics in the past where I tried to pretend that i am perfectly fine with the way things are going with my EUM but was actually seething with rage from within….I would tell him that this was the last chance…last time I was texting him or talking to him hoping that he would change…but I could never stick to what I said….i would always find an opportunity to get back to him despite his inconsiderate behaviour..i used to feel miserable after that and wonder what was it that made me run back to him everytime despite the horrible manner in which he was treating me….in fact today after almost 20 days of NC i,ve been wanting to call him since morning…I do not know why…i know that contactin´g him again will only make things worse.I keep telling myself that he knows my number,my email ID…he can always contact me if he wants to…he has not,in the last 20 days…which means that he gives a damn and has moved on…I ask myself why i want to contact him…to let him know that i still care about him?would it make any difference?i don,t think so…..
Hi Brooke… I can’t figure out either why I still want to hear from him. Why do I miss him when he has yanked my chain the entire time? I guess I want to be wanted by him. He was exciting. I was never sure of what was going on… always confused yet the physical attraction was/is very strong.
Today, I’m hurting. I ran into a friend who recently ran into my EUM. She told me they are expecting a baby, and buying a new house and he just seems so happy. She had no idea that he was cheating on his wife with me, and I didn’t bother to share. It was the he’s so nice, he seems so happy stuff. I had to cut her off and change the subject because I couldn’t bear to hear anymore. I want to call him out and let others know what an assclown he really is. But I can’t because I’m still NC and I am doing everything I can to focus on myself, my self esteem and just move on with my life. Calling him out will only make me look bad/revengeful. It just angers me that these guys have such a pristine reputation with everyone else. This is how I was drawn in to him in the first place. But he’s not nice, he’s mean, he’s everything I don’t want in a relationship. But here I am feeling just horrible about myself. How I could have ever let this happen, I just want it to be wiped clear in my head. Every day which passes is better, and I think of him less and less. Its been 3 months of NC. These are all good signs that I’m healing and moving on. But it just hurts sometimes and it’s hard to forgive myself above all else.
LoriG – I feel for ya… I would be hurting too.
The EUM I was involved with put on a show. He wants people to think of him as a great guy. Once you get beyond the social persona though you find a very selfish and immature male. I cannot even refer to him as a man. He cares most about how other people (the community) perceive him. Participating in a real mutually supportive relationship is not as important as being perceived as smarter, sexier, special, able to get any woman in town. So if he thinks being seen as XYZ would make him admirable he will pretend to be XYZ. When he thinks XYZ is no longer getting him the attention he seeks he will assume another role. I think of it as wearing a mask. He is very good at PRETENDING to be whatever he thinks others will admire. He wants more than anything to be better than everyone else.. to have more and to be better at everything. It doesn’t matter if it is cars, women, knowledge of sports or politics – does not matter WHAT just that he has to be the best at it.
OMG this describes my EUM to the tee! He was the most selfish, immature man I had ever met. He was so insecure on the inside and made up for that by being the best or most whatever on the outside. When I confronted him on his selfishness, his comment back to me was “all my friends are selfish too, what’s wrong with that”. It just makes me wonder how he could ever want children, they may interfere with getting his own selfish needs met. I’m sure all this will wear off some day and then he’ll try to attempt contact with me or one of the many OW to ego fed so that he can feel all big and powerful again. What goes around comes around I always say. I’m prety sure I’ll read about him running for mayor of the city or something and it will make me sick. But not my problem any more, I have more important things to think about and do for myself now.
LoriG – I feel for you too. I found out last week my ex was dating someone he had been talking to, and very likely seeing, the last 6 months of our relationship(Ours was long distance). See, he posted all of this on his myspace, and made some little comments that I know are intended for me. He went on about his life has completely changed in the last 3 months, and he doesn’t smoke and has new hobbies and a great new life. I did not react or respond. Why did I look? I figured after 3 months I could be ok with things, and see how he was doing. Not the best idea..LOL
I checked out the ‘new woman’s’ site. I probably shouldn’t have, but I was actually fine with her. I genuinely felt bad that she was dating such a jerk. She was all happy and care-free like I was, and some of the things she said sounded a lot like me when I first started dating my ex.
I wasn’t sure why when I went to my ex’s house my picture would be put away, and he would get weird if I stayed late, but now I do.
The ex was horrible to me, and my friends said in the 2 years we dated that I never seemed happy. Even still, finding out that my ex betrayed me like this was like a knife in the heart.
His parents and family friends often made comments to me about how bad he had been to women in the past, and I should watch out, or find someone new. I thought they were just being mean to him, but now I know.
When he dumped me, IN A VIDEO GAME, his family called me in tears to apologize.
So, I also did lots of reading on EUM and passive aggressive behavior, and my ex fits that to a tee. It made me feel way better and understand what had happened with us. BUT It’s been 3 months, and I’m trying to get him out of my mind. I tried to date, but I couldn’t bring myself to go out.
I still get upset, but not so much because I MISS him, but because I feel Hurt and Betrayed. I’m 35 at the end of the month, and I worry that I won’t find someone and I will miss my chance for having kids. Dating again at 35 just seems so alien too. I don’t meet guys that easily, and I’m terrified that it will take ages to find someone compatible. This bothers me too because if I get desperate, I know I will end up with another assclown.
I’m trying to figure out now how to put the ex behind me. How not to think about him, and move on. This is my biggest challenge right now. Most of my friends are married, and busy..so I’m trying to find people to do stuff with to keep busier and have fun.
Very weird times for me…I got upset the other night, but now I just feel bad that I wasted my time and energy on this assclown.
LoriG — my exEUM said he wanted children too even though he is 47 and most of his peers are becoming grandparents. He said he wanted a son. I think it was to prove his masculinity and nothing else. In fact, he asked a woman if she would have a child FOR him and he would pay her money to take care of him. He never wanted to have a family.. just a son that would look like him. He had no intention of having a relationship with that woman and in fact, they never did. He just asked her if she would have his baby he would support her. GAG!!!
Christine, I feel for you, he is horrible! What kind of people are these guys? Were they raised in messed up homes or something? They are completely clueless. I have to agree with the comment your friends made about you while you were dating the assclown. My friends told me the same thing. How I wasn’t happy and lost all zest for life. They kept trying to get me to dump him and I would try only for him to call begging me back. I guess somehow I felt like must have been some catch if he would go through the trouble of begging me back. Ugh! How gulable I was and so blinded by his faults I couldn’t see him for what he was.
Kim2- It’s like they want to have kids and family and portray themselves like this fine upstanding man. But your comment is interesting that he was just going to pay some woman to have his child and support it. I almost think this is what it will be like for him, he won’t want anything to do with raising the child, and he is setting things up so that his wife will be more submissive to him now that there are going to be kids involved. Like he’ll manage down her expectations too, just like he did mine and the OW he was involved with so he ultimately gets what HE wants. He wants the image, but still has to have his ego stroked, and if his wife won’t then he’ll go somewhere else. It will be amazing to hear some day how this whole thing played out. I’m just glad I won’t be part of the play deck anymore. If I have to change my name to keep him away, I would.
This article very much describes ALOT of the behaviors I exibited with my EUM. He never took me seriously because he knew I lacked the strength to leave or follow through, which, in the end, made me look crazy. My problem is obsessing on “things I should have done differently”. One thing I should have done differently was stay the hell away from them. I have noticed since I’ve begun seriously losing weight (almost 50 lbs! yay!) that my self esteem has increased and it’s easier to say no and not feel guilty. I’ve hidden he fact that I have even been talking to him from my best friend for the last year. She was so fed up with the fact that I was still involved with this guy that she refused to discuss it with me anymore. I made a list of reasons I should stop talking to him, and another list of behaviors I would no longer tolerate. and the end of both I wrote in huge letters “There is something wrong with you if you tolorate this sort of bullshit”. I’m starting to finally make some headway here, and not feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown everytime I think about him. Any advice of sticking to NC? Should I tell him about this NC or just do it and cut him off cold?
Christine, you deserve a huge hug! How horrible … do you realize how fortunate you are not to have had children with this idiot?
I totally understand the age-thing. I just turned 46 and I’ve been dating the same EUM for 2 years. But you are out. You will meet someone special. Keep your eyes open though. Dont be like me and let the assclown become blinders to decent men.
LOL, I have heard they are out there. You just have to see ’em.
What a great site, it’s been so helpful to me, it’s healing to read the exact same behavior patterns described in these men, same as my latest EUM. I say latest because there have been a string of them for years. I’m 42 and just recently broke up with one of these men. I have age issues – afraid I’ll never find someone now, etc.
He was perhaps the worst yet, a rich, goodlooking man, who uses all his skills to control. I say “skills”, really just same BS listed here about making promises and acting like a boyfriend, while saying he’s just not quite ready to commit (always something about the ex, or how he needs to develop emotions for me before he can call me girl friend, except he wants all benefits of a girl friend). The sex was fantastic, dinners out, expensive wine and dates fun, right? Except for the part when he would subtely find ways to put me down or make me doubt myself or my attractiveness (just one example – I love your body, you are so sexy, except men do prefer women with fake breasts). WTF? I can’t believe I put blinders on so long – 4 months (2 break ups in that time).
For me: 1) No man will rescue you financially and be your prince charming, take responsibility for my life, and take care of myself in all ways. 2) Identify boundaries of unacceptable behavior, do not accept it, opt out or walk away when you are treated badly. 3) Self analysis. Therapy (which has been a blessing for me recently), reading this site, listening to people who really care about you when they say you are not yourself or happy, being aware of your own behavior.
I’ve been NC for 3 weeks. I have a way to go I know, but believe it’s permanent since he may have figured out he can’t control me, and so I’m not attractive to him. Have deleted all his contact numbers. I don’t have to respond if he does contact. I like to believe I will repel this type of man the more healthy I become.
Shelly-
You are an inspiration for those of us who are just starting out with NC, like I am. Three weeks is awesome!
Holly-
Thanks! For NC, I found it really helpful reading info on the subject on this site. Deleting contact numbers stops me from contacting in a weak moment, after a few drinks, etc. Also, daily thinking about how much more at peace it is to not have the drama or him in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I weirdly still miss him – but maybe not really him, just the relationship. NC means I can move on with my life, hope 3 weeks turns into 3 months, etc.
Congrats on your weightloss, self-esteem and strength!! That’s fantastic. See what can happen when we drop these assclowns from our life? lol
It’s called EMPOWERMENT and yes we have it and if we don’t we’re going to get some!
Thanks!….I have gone 3 days NC. I never thought I would be able to do it!
Last night I was really struggling with NC. Thank God I erased his # from my phone. I found myself rehashing all the BS he put me through and wondered why I didn’t take the blinders off. I can’t believe at one point he wanted me and the other woman he was seeing to be friends so he could “see me more”. I also find myself wondering if he even sees that he was awful to me, and if this other woman is suffering also. Is this nuts?
Holly-you’re trying to rationalize an unrational man (assclown). He doesn’t see that he was awful to you, as NML says he probably figures if you let him get by with everything else why not that too. It’s not right what he did, it’s sickening. And it hurts, it hurts real bad. But, he can’t hurt you anymore if you stay NC, you are keeping yourself safe, and trying to get on with your life. It is so hard, but keep the faith in yourself. Feelings and emotions are like the tide they come in and go out. They are temporary. Again, they are temporary. This is not how you are going to feel for the rest of your life, it’s just temporary. So feel them, cry, pray, do whatever you have to and let the feeling or emotion pass. Each time you do this you are healing yourself. Don’t fight it, just let them come in (deal with with them) and let them go out. You made it through yesterday, you can make it through today too. Try and get through one day at a time, stay here and now with today, just get through today.
You’re doing great so far, just keep the faith in yourself that you can do it again today. Hugs!
Hi everyone 🙂
Last night I went out on a date with a guy whom is interested in me,but I started to get tipsy on a couple glasses of champagne and all I could speak about was my jewish ex who I’ve broken up with a couple of weeks ago….my date/friend suggested I do NLP, to try and find out from my childhood why this belief system was instilled in my subconcious and try redicate it from my mind and start living healthily and gain more self awareness and love myself and get my self-esteem back.
I read about the EUM…but the more I read about them, I see how much similar if not identical to their behaviourisms! I AM an EUM just in a female form! Yes I realise that I too am an assclown…its all about my ego stroking. God I really want to know what was the catalyst in my childhood that got me to this point….next year I’m turnin 29 and I don’t wanna keep going round and round in circles with bad habits and the next thing, I wake up at 49 and realise that I’m still alone!
NO MORE!! From this very moment I’m gonna do my damndest to be aware of my actions and reactions….so I TOO can have a healthy relationship with myself and then work from there to improve my future relationship!
You women on this site are Godsend and an inspiration to me in more ways than one….the crazy thing, I don’t need to do NC cos the jewish ex doesn’t want to be in contact with me anyway…but I did erase his contact number, so I don’t text him in my moment of weakness aka drunkenstate and self-pity!
So I would welcome any advice on how to do the self-awareness thing to better my self-esteem and believe in myself. Basically where to from here for me?
Love and Light
Naj
X
Naj- I’m new here myself, and my advice would be to download NML’s book. It’s a fantastic way to get started. It will help you to define the sort of relationships you engage in, and later to analyze your own behaviors. Personally, I know my primary reason for being with EUM’s is because of my relationshi with my father, basically with me trying to rewrite history with someone else who is EU and get the outcome I want. The fact that you are here and trying is great. I’m 29 myself so I know where you are coming from.
Lori – As always, thanks for your support!
Ladies and NML,
I wanted to let all of you know that I finally had a breakthrough. after many weeks of mulling over everything and obsessing about the EUM, I have finally let go. I realized after our last conversation that there was nothing special about this assclown, he wasn’t “deep†or in need of understanding. He’s an asshole. period. I laid out my boudaries, etc, and he told me that if the “old†Holly, the one who bought him gifts and came to visit when he had time, didn’t exist anymore, then there was nothing left. Then, magically, the blinders came off and I saw him for the toad he is. He is a user, and always will be. I’m just sorry it took me 4 yrs to see that. It was amazing how quickly he was ready to stop talking when I put my foot down and told him I would no longer continue this charade. Thanks NML, you helped loads. I needed some thing to light a fire under me.
So all of this stems from the fact that we do not have healthy self esteem… the elusive self esteem….self esteem what the heck is self esteem? I hear this all the time but no one has ever defined it for me.
However, as I was reading the book an answer came to me. Its doing positive things that make me feel good…. and what makes you feel good differs for everyone. For me my self esteem increases when I save money – giving me the feeling of security and independance. I feel good when I excercise on a regular basis, I feel good when I eat healthy, I feel good when I focuse on my family, and enjoy time with my friends. Focuse on you… and ask yourself what is it that makes you feel strong.
I would like to hear of other definitions or ways that you increase your self esteem.
I was hunting around today, looking for articles I hadn’t read, and some support on what hasn’t been the easiest day, and I found this one. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across these 2 lines:
“Like planning a romantic meal to show your ‘togetherness’ and him not turning up or turning up late….” (I actually DID this… ran around to the store like a crazy person, buying his favorite expensive foods with money I could barely afford, slaving over a hot stove, and burning myself on said stove… and yes, he showed up late! He also said a cursory, “Thanks, this is nice.” And not once has he ever cooked for me. What a loser.)
“Agreeing to go on holiday and then behaving like a complete dickhead in the lead up to it or on the holiday so that you end up arguing and wondering why the hell you bothered…” (Been there, done that too! I remember spending part of one trip sobbing on the phone in the bathroom to a girlfriend, “But why would he bring me all the way here just to be an ass to me?!?!”)
I swear, sometimes it’s like NML crawled inside my head and/or could see my experiences with my ex-EUM… She’s THAT on-target with her descriptions, examples, and pin-pointing of the EUM/ACs!
I have lost count of the number of times that things were going perfectly with us (no arguing, lots of love, affection, no broken promises from him, lots of time together, him taking initiative to make plans, him calling when supposed to, etc.), then he purposely did some stupid (read: UNNECCESSARY) assclownery-behavior to screw it all up! Probably to ‘manage down my expections’, shake those illusions that we were so “perfect together” right out of my head, and re-establish the ‘status quo’!
I still have trouble accepting how some people can be EU, or treat others this way, play head games, etc. I understand WHY they do it, for selfish purposes/ego-feeding, etc., of course, but I am still having trouble accepting it. Guess I’m still trying to cope with my loss, grief, anger, sadness, etc. I long for the day when I don’t hurt over this or him anymore.
I shake my head now, thinking about how frustrated, angry, and upset I used to get with him, how much effort I put into ‘fixing’ things, and making things right, building those sandcastles in the air, only for him to come along and like a bully, stomp and kick my carefully constructed castle over!
Sigh… It’s been 28 days today of NC for me. I still haven’t heard a peep from him either, no text, email, voicemail, nothing, after nearly 3 years together. Most days I’m doing ok, can function and get through my day, but there are still some bad ones intermittently, and I get through them as best I can. I’ve recently started volunteering in my area, and I’m really enjoying it. It’s nice to feel needed, to feel like you are doing something good, and to feel like I’m helping someone else who really needs it. Also, it gets me out of the house and off the couch, and helps me to not think so much, or (heaven forbid) feel weak enough to want to contact him. I’m also keeping up with my working out, reading and posting here often (this site is a god-send!), and just generally trying to be good to me.
Wishing strength, clarity, and wisdom to all my fellow EUM/AC recovering addicts today. With each other’s support, we can all make it through this and strengthen ourselves!
It amazes me also, how the same examples of their behavior, and metaphors about our feelings come up. I also used the analogy of the angry kid wrecking sand castles, and that is actually one image that sticks in my mind of the guy. He behaved like a very childish old man with me. I fully experienced the confusion of relationship sabotage, and now know to never stay involved with someone like that again.
Whoa, wouldn’t have seen this article if it hadn’t been for 3Years and Aphrogirl.
“Agreeing to go on holiday and then behaving like a complete dickhead in the lead up to it or on the holiday so that you end up arguing and wondering why the hell you bothered…”
This happened to me. I had been seeing the A/C for two months, and he asked me to come live with him. Problem is…. we had never spent an entire weekend together or even 24 hours. (That should have been a red flag!) So, I asked him to take an overnight trip with me. Well, he resisted, but went along with it, then proceeded to sabotage it, and then forever kept blaming me for that trip.
And, “Planning a romantic meal.” Yep, did that. Candlelight dinner. It was a surprise. He had gone fishing, and I planned it for when he got home. He thanked me, told me he loved it, then he got up and went to his computer.
Actually, on paper these guys seem to be just plain old cranky and dull.
Really, most of the ” excitement” of the EUM was related to the bad drama of his confusing, ambivalent behavior and shockingly dopey antics combined with my inexperience in dealing with this type of passive aggressive manipulative drama.
Wow, JJ2, this hit me like a thunderbolt:
” he then proceeded to sabotage it, and then forever kept blaming me for that trip.”
I forgot to put that part in too! I was also blamed for ‘how badly the trip went’, although he was the one that screwed it up by being a jerk. And everytime we had a fight after that, he *alwaaaays* brought it up, as ‘evidence’ of my bad behavior! argh!!! He would also then use that trip as an excuse why “now I’m afraid to go away anywhere with you!” (utterly maddening) Unfortunately, this situation actually happened to me several times (at least 2 or 3 that I can recall), and I got blamed each time for each trip. I’m amazed at my own stupidity that I stayed… God, I hate him. >:(
Today is day 29 of NC, and I’m having a really rough day. I woke up this morning feeling like the minute I opened my eyes, I had the weight of a volks wagon beetle on top of me. Not good. My emotions are all over the place today, angry, deeply sad, upset, scared I will never love again, or scared enough to vow I will never let anyone be that close to me ever ever again…. Not upset enough to contact him (thank goodness), but enough that I feel like I can’t breathe.
It is soooo frustrating to me that some days are ok, even fine, but then every once in a while I get days like this that trip me up in my recovery and healing, that make me feel like I’m stuck in hell and never going to be able to get out…. Ugh. I hope he’s utterly miserable, lousy stupid loser assclown FOOL.