So earlier this week over the course of two posts I looked at passive aggressive behaviour, looking both at how a Mr Unavailable or assclown may behave, but also how a woman might behave in some very common situations.

In today’s post I’m going to look at some ways for dealing with passive aggressive behaviour and also some tips on avoiding it. But before we get to that, I’m going to do a quick recap.

Passive aggressive behaviour can take shape in many forms but a very common form of it is saying and agreeing to something but actually having no intention of doing it. Basically conflicting words and actions, the cornerstone of relationships with Mr Unavailables and assclowns.

In the typical Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl relationship, she confronts him about his behaviour and demands that the situation changes or that she’s leaving (even though it’s more likely that she’s not – another form of passive aggression) and he, because he lacks the balls to admit that he is incapable of doing what is asked and also because he doesn’t like not to be in control of the situation, insists that things will be different even though, often, he knows full well it won’t be. He then ends up doing exactly what he always does, in essence getting his own way and managing down your expectations. But she has numerous ways of being passive aggressive herself such as refusing to accept his character and behaviour for what it is and leave, and instead often quietly trying to impose change…without very much success. She doesn’t communicate directly because to do so may force a decision.

Passive aggressive behaviour means that responsibility for ones actions are avoided. What can often end up taking place in these dysfunctional relationships is that he indulges in passive aggressive behaviour because he doesn’t want a confrontation and she indulges in passive aggressive behaviour because she feels ‘powerless’ and doesn’t want to or doesn’t think she can change things.

Have you ever been in a situation where you have had Yet Another Intense Discussion about your relationship with the man in your life and he insists he’s going to change, so you then start trying to do more couplely things but he behaves like a complete assclown, ruining things?

Like planning a romantic meal to show your ‘togetherness’ and him not turning up or turning up late….

Agreeing to go on holiday and then behaving like a complete dickhead in the lead up to it or on the holiday so that you end up arguing and wondering why the hell you bothered…

Agreeing to move in together but he hates every apartment/house he sees or comes up with excuse after excuse as to why you can’t move into his yet or him into yours.


Passive aggression is about obstacles. He creates obstacles and after a while YOU become the obstacle and you create obstacles and focus on all of the wrong things so that you don’t have to focus on the things that matter and make a change. But keep in mind, both parties are capable of the same types of behaviour.

So how to deal with this:

Stop talking and not following through with actions.
This is one of the primary trappings of women in poor relationships. You love having umpteen Defining The Relationship talks, break ups, analysis, intense discussions etc but you do nothing. Learn to commit to what you say and follow through…or zip it. You’ll find that when there are consequences of actually having to do something that you’ll be more careful about running your mouth.

Is there a purpose to what you are saying or doing? if something isn’t going to result from what you are saying or doing, why say or do it? Always remember – if you keep doing something and getting the same sh*tty result, stop doing it. When you start to engage with him say to yourself – Have I been down this road before? Are things going to be any different?

Learn to communicate your expectations.
Saying what’s on your mind is an opportunity to not only sanity check yourself but also ensure that the other party is on board. Just because you feel something for someone does not mean that you can place your expectations on them.

Stop being a yes person. No is not a dirty word and helps to set boundaries. If you end up feeling negative and not being true to your words, it creates distrust.

Stop pretending to be happier than what you are. At least if you start behaving in a way that is more consistent with how you really feel, you’ve a damn sight more chance of opting out far sooner from inappropriate relationships.

Avoid creating drama for effect and also as a reaction to your internal fears. Acting up to test him out is very quickly seen through. You’ll have no impact and be seen as a Drama Seeker. It’s extremely manipulative to use creating drama as a way to elicit reaction or change. Halt and step back.

Set boundaries and maintain them. Every woman should know the core things that are unacceptable so that these act as her sign to take a parachute and jump, even when the libido and the heart may be running interference. If women learned to have boundaries, they wouldn’t be in these dodgy relationships. This is about knowing what is unacceptable and sticking to it instead of making excuses.

Be direct. Instead of saying one thing and meaning another “Yes of course I’m OK with us being casual” when inside you’re having a nervous breakdown, speak up. The moment you agree to things you don’t want is the moment that he is able to shelve responsibility.

Accept when you behave inappropriately. Don’t legitimise your behaviour by saying “Well he’s an assclown so I did X, Y, Z” because you know what? You’re responsible for you. Start recognising when you’re not being honest, when you’re inconsistent about what you’re saying and doing, and when you create drama. All of these actions are about avoiding responsibility and avoiding facing up to you and making a change.

Stop accepting BS and force him to communicate directly. Rather than take any glimmer of something he says and turn a crumb into a king size loaf, take what he says and question it further. Don’t allow him to be wishy-washy, ask the who, what, where, when and why’s and get clever about using closed questions to force directness.


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