Over the past few days I’ve been talking about sexual values to help you avoid sexual pitfalls, such as having sexual insanity by repeating the same actions but expecting different results, and trying to teach old dogs new tricks. Recently I wrote about questions that you should be able to answer about your relationship and I’ve adapted them so that you can ensure that when you do have sex, you’re doing it because you want to, are comfortable, and you’re keeping your feet in reality.
It’s not about trying to guarantee an outcome, but if you are trying to break a pattern and discover or instil sexual values, these questions will empower you to be confident about your actions. Remember, while we can ask other people, often we hold most if not all of the answers and really, if you can understand how you feel and your sexual values and values, you will recognise when you’re in a good, healthy relationship.
Do we share common sexual values?
This is stuff like the level of respect about sex. Is sex just a fringe benefit that they’re very casual about or are they the type of person who prefers to have sex with people that they genuinely feel there is a potential for a relationship with.
What are your values?
Do you think that sex is something that happens between two people who care about each other? This means you need to know that the care is there. Not pretend care, but actual care that you could only know about through actions.
Do you think sex is something that you only want to happen if you’re in a ‘proper relationship’? If so, make sure you are in a proper relationship rather than assuming that ipso facto you had sex so you’re in a proper relationship.
You don’t need to interrogate them but through casual conversation you can find out a lot about how people tick…if you’re listening. Especially in the early days, many people miss key red flags because they’re in the first flushes with rose tinted glasses and don’t want to pierce their fun. Unfortunately the very things they do ignore are the very things that will cause major problems and provide huge clues as to the true character of the person.
When there has been any sexual talk, how have you felt? What were their mannerisms like? Did they try to sleep with you on the first night? Have they been sexually explicit even before you’ve met, say for instance, on email or in text messages? Do you think they’re forward? If you’ve declined sex before, how did you feel afterwards? Was there any tension and if so, why? This gives a big clue into how much sexual emphasis there is in the relationship but also how things may turn when there is conflict or things don’t go as they expect.
If I do have sex am I doing it because I’m acting in line with my own values and boundaries?
Or am I having sex because I think it’s what they or the situation need? This also includes:
Are my boundaries intact so far in my interaction with this person? This means being aware of what your boundaries are and whether you have experienced any red flags. If you have had your boundaries crossed, have you addressed the situation and do you now feel comfortable both within yourself or that they are now respecting your boundaries?
Am I likely to feel bad about myself, or question myself and the relationship after I am sexually intimate? If the answer is yes, avoid getting sexually intimate until you are more confident.
Remember – if there are grey areas about your relationship, sex is not going to resolve them unless you’re using sex to smoke them out…
Am I actually being myself? If you’re not being yourself, you’re not acting with love, care, trust, or respect towards yourself or living in line with your own values, so how can you feel safe in getting sexually intimate?
Even if we are not ‘in love’ or have not said the ‘L word’, is there mutual care, trust, and respect?
Trust me, even though you may care about, trust, and respect them, are they to be cared, trusted, and respected, and do they care about, trust, and respect you? If not, or there is an element of them being on a pedestal, sex will only create more problems and distort the balance.
Sex confuses things – if these things are not present when you have it, you may assume they exist when they don’t.
If you are looking for a relationship, until you do feel those things, do not have sex.
Have I learned information about this person that has me hoping he will change?
Whether you’ve already laid out a Florence Nightingale masterplan or are betting on potential, it is key that you are being real about someone and accepting them in their real light as opposed to the false one created by projecting your ideals and fixing, healing, helping.
You can’t make real decisions about a real relationship or real sex if you are not being real about the person.
If you have funny ideas about sex tied in with a desire to change, that expectation of change will increase if you have sex with the view to change him already in your mind. You’ll correlate the fact that you have had sex with the reward of change and believe they should step up and comply – be careful of the hidden agenda.
Don’t have sex if you are rejecting ‘aspects’ of a person because you’re still not accepting the person which makes a dubious ground for sex and a relationship.
Do I like how he/she treats others?
If they treat others badly, they’re likely to treat you badly so be careful of having sex when you already know that they are not that nice because you will build up misguided expectations that because you have slept with them and the act is special to you, that they should make an exception to their rule of behaving badly. If they’ve shared dubious stories of how they’ve treated others sexually – be careful – you may be next in line. If you don’t think you are, ask yourself why you’re different and what evidence you have to support that perception?
Is what I want from this relationship what this person is actually capable of giving, not based on who I think they are, or who I’d like them to be, but based on who they consistently are now?
Again, having sex isn’t going to fix or change anything if you already have ‘grey areas’ about the person. If you are not being real about the person and have expectations of what the relationship will be based on illusions, you’re wasting your own time and energy.
Do I feel safe with this person?
Unless not feeling safe is how you get your kicks, having sex with someone who you feel uneasy around is going to, well, make you feel even more uneasy. Feeling personally secure but also feeling that you are around someone who isn’t detracting from you or acting selfishly in their own interests at your expense are very key. If you feel uneasy, don’t start a sexual relationship or get invested in a relationship until you do, if ever, feel safe.
There’s also the question of feeling sexually safe.
Have they been tested for STD’s?
Do they come across shady? Shady people have shady sex. Make sure you know where you stand.
Have they been pushing for unprotected sex even though you’re not comfortable with it?
Do you feel that they’re honest? Anyone can say they’re honest but if they’ve already told some lies, been disappearing, or had you caught up in drama that they haven’t explained properly, I’d proceed with caution.
Why do I want to be with this person/in this relationship?
If you can’t answer this beyond some superficial stuff, you probably don’t know enough about the person or enough about yourself and your own needs, which will have you flying by the seat of your pants and waking up in a relationship or situation that you may or may not want to be in.
Your thoughts?
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“Don’t have sex if you are rejecting ‘aspects’ of a person because you’re still not accepting the person which makes a dubious ground for sex and a relationship.”
Used to be friends with a woman who was with a man that was not attractive at ALL. She used it against him all the time. Why even bother? She was (and still is, from what has been said through the grapevine) a dumb ass; he left her anyway.
“Do I like how he/she treats others?”
Had a roommate in college who dated this man. He treated his mother like complete and utter s–t. You’d think that she’d see that and make a bolt for it. Nope. He, of course, treated her like complete and utter s–t too.
Those 2 things stood out to me the most about this entry. As always, thanks for the truth. 🙂
Do I like how he/she treats others?
Yes.
If I look to EUM that i was involved with.. he was really good in being there for his friends making dinner for them, helping them with all kind of problems..
but he never treats me in the same way. That’s why i thought it was all my fault.
I think it is nessesary to say that no matter how he treats others or is he donating money for charity humanity.. it’s about how is he treating YOU.
I dont have contact with this guy for more then 6 months now.. and i thought i was almost over him..and then i found some pictures on internet that he made somewhere in Africa with poor, cute children.. and this broke my heart again.. i was very sad and again so in pain because i could ‘t belive that he can be that sweet and so sensitive.. to others but not to me. That’s really painful realisation.
That’s why NML thank you for opening our eyes! i wich i had some bondaries and own stronger values long time ago.. now i understand what went wrong and i will never ever be with guy and try to make him happy insteed of listening to my own needs, values and boundaries.
Illusion, I have the same problem. My EUM had a lot of great qualities, volunteered, etc. I miss him. But he treated me like a roommate. He treated his sister better than me.
the ex asshole way of communicating with his cousins was through jokes. It was almost as nutral as a treatment can be. Not bad not good. But I can tell you, he treats 1000 times better his dog than anybody else in his life. He adores his dog but will never show that attention to his family or me.
NML – I hope no one overlooks the obvious signs about not actually having a relationship.
That is: Have sex or they will leave. If sex will keep his interest – then he isn’t looking for more than a shag.
There are many things that will cause a guy to leave. Dishonesty, head games, gossip and other forms of disrespect to yourself and others – that is, behavior that is destructive to yourself and all your relationships.
Other than that – failing to do just about anything won’t threaten a healthy relationship. He needs you to pick up his groceries, clean his house, have sex with him or his friends – nope. That is abuse, manipulation, and taking advantage of you and the situation, and has nothing to do with a healthy relationship.
There is a fine line between meeting his demands, and satisfying the one you love. You may be willing, in either case. But respect and expectations are mutual, and constant, not dependent on certain acts or behaviors, when you are with a responsible life-partner. With a loving relationship, you meet your responsibilities because you demand that of yourself, not because he demands it of you.
Natalie, how do you interpret when someone say “I want to make love to you because I want to show my feelings for you!”. When I heard that remark few years ago, I thought this person must have strong feelings for me so that he wants to get intimate. Now I realized he just want his piece of cake. But it’s really hard to withdraw yourself once you get physical, so ladies don’t fall into this trap!
Having sex early is easy. You don’t expect anything, you aren’t hung up on “performance,” you aren’t hung up on your body issues, and it’s relatively smooth. BUT!!!!!! Having sex early boosts your emotional investment to a point you aren’t mentally “at” yet. Your brain and your heart aren’t at the same spot. Down side.
On the other hand, waiting until you know someone better, well, you know them better, and you feel better about your decision to “get to business,” but then when you actually “get down to business,” you have all this anxiety, and hang ups, etc.
Just a comment, use it for what you want.
I am confused. Are you saying is better to have sex soon at the beggining?
Honesty is the key! Yes, we might catch feelings even if we don’t expect to. There is nothing that we can do about this, therefore, it is important that we are open and honest. Simple and Plain…
You have a very interesting blog, I like it. I really like the video and what you were talking about, we have some of the same ideas and thoughts, maybe one day we can bounce some ideas off each other.
Oh Natalie, thank you again for such an insightful post! 🙂
I have been instilling STD and HIV testing when the guy I’m dating has passed my 90 day warranty and asking him for an STD and HIV test results in writing and I do the same as well and we trade that piece of paper before we have sex. I can tell you, 98% of the time, guys tell me to fly a kite in a rain storm or I’m crazy or I’m a crazy bitch. I’ve heard them all. And as you probably know by now, I didn’t and don’t have much sex *embarrased* but those who does agree and comes through gives me the safety and comfort of trust. Believe me the little sex I have had in most of my adult, single life has been scarce, but it also gives me the peace of mind that I am not carrying any diesease that could harm another human being and I’m clean. My friends have even called me crazy and some admire my boundary and strenght to not give in to something that could be fleeting and harmful to me.
I have so much to loose and so much more to live for. I want to see my child get married, I want to see my grandchildren, I want to travel the rest of the world that I haven’t seen, I want to write a book, so much to live for and no man is worthy enough to catch a dieases or to die for.
Thank you,
Sherry
Sherry said it all for me. Are we related or something? 😐 🙂