Is he an assclown because we broke up?

The moment that the decision is made for a relationship to end and the words are final, we feel an immense sense of loss, of insecurity, indignant hurt, and as the dust settles and the days and weeks pass, white space appears where you originally had plans with them. Depending on how you tend to cope with loss (and it is a loss, whether it’s of a relationship or the idea of one) and whether you’re the type that does hurt but gradually starts to heal, get over it, and get on with their life, or whether you sink into a slump, wallow, and let your life come to a halt as you desperately try to find a way to get him and the security of the relationship back, you may draw the conclusion that he’s an assclown because he ended the relationship.

Likewise, it can feel like a blow to the solar plexus when it becomes evident that the person who we feel so much for doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe you’ve discovered that he’s with someone else or he’s started avoiding your contact or has straight up said ‘I’m not interested’ or ‘I don’t want a relationship’ or taken the easier route and said ‘I’m not ready for/looking for a relationship right now’ or even ‘I can’t give you what you want’.

For the demise of a relationship, you’ll be outraged and indignant that he’s not still there with you wanting what you want. You’ll think about how you feel and wonder how he can’t feel the same way. You may wonder if there is someone else or whether he’s confused/scared/having a moment and be plotting how to get him to come around to your way of thinking. You’ve already decided that you’re more than happy to try, to keep working at the relationship and you can’t understand why he doesn’t want to try. Or you may be using every expletive under the sun as you rage at yourself and anyone else who will listen about the fact that the relationship has ended.
If he’s communicated that he’s not interested, you’ll sting from the rejection and may wonder why he doesn’t want you, what you ‘did’ to turn him off, what you ‘could’ do to win him over, or go into a downward spiral because it reminds you of other past rejections.

However you react you may have decided that he’s an assclown, but in general, a man breaking up with you or not being interested does not an assclown make.

Not every relationship has potential or is built to last and not every man has to be interested. Relationships do end and, men are allowed to break up with us and not be interested.

You may be OK with things as they are or constantly trying to ‘make things work’ but the fact that he doesn’t share that same desire is not a crime and it certainly doesn’t make him an assclown.

Likewise, you may see wonderful potential in a relationship between you both and feel a great deal of interest in him, but that doesn’t demand an IOU and if he’s not feeling it, you don’t want to be that persistent car salesman that’s running after the uninterested customer begging them to take another look or lowering your price.

You have to ask yourself why you want a relationship with someone that doesn’t?

If he wants out of the relationship, why don’t you want out of the relationship?

What are you seeing about the relationship that he doesn’t?

What is he seeing about the relationship that you don’t?

Why are you so interested in him?

It’s also important to be honest with yourself and ask whether you feel the level of intensity towards him because you know that the relationship is unlikely to happen, that you get more interested the more resistant they are, or that it’s catering to negative beliefs that you have about relationships, love, and yourself.

The biggest thing that you have to accept about breaking up or being turned down is that it’s not just about what you want.

You cannot project what you think, feel, want, and need onto someone, and assume that ipso facto, they think, feel, want, and need exactly the same things as you. You may have been in a relationship but it doesn’t mean that you have to lose your sense of self and merge each others personalities, characters, and desires.

You may get trapped in your feelings and try to stem the loss and the feeling of rejection by seeking attention from them, giving you a temporary fix but inevitably opening you up to more pain, and potentially causing you to engage in, what is at best, embarrassing and at worst downright humiliating behaviour. You’ll do this to avoid processing how you feel about the end of the relationship or them turning you down, but you’re prolonging the inevitable and beating up your self-esteem and removing your own dignity in the process.

Men cross into assclown territory when they break up with you, not because they broke up, but because of how they choose to end the relationship or how they behave afterwards or in the run up to it. There isn’t a clean, pleasant way to tell someone that a relationship is over, but that doesn’t make it justifiable to do shitty things.

Treating you like shit until you get the message and bring about a confrontation so that he can orchestrate his ending is pathetic. Cheating on you or trying to line up his next ‘victim’ so that he can ensure continuity of en ego stroking is downright nasty. Refusing to give you space, or insisting it’s over, getting a new woman and then calling you up and ensuring that you don’t move on is idiotic. Putting all the blame at your door for why it has ended so that you end up agonising over what you coulda, woulda, shoulda done is cowardly. But when what he does is end the relationship and is upfront with you, it doesn’t make him and assclown, it just makes him uncomfortably (for us) honest.

Men also cross into assclown territory when they know you’re not ‘The One’ and actually know that they have no genuine interest but look at you as an opportunity for a shag, ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, money, cheap babysitter etc, in spite of knowing that you want more.

There you are seeking validation asking what the deal is with you both, whether he loves you, wants you and he’s like ‘Of course I do baby now listen to my problems/give me a blowjob/buy me stuff ‘. Decent guys, and there are plenty of them, are not comfortable letting you think that the relationship or their interest are more than what they are, and will bite the bullet and be honest with you, or even distance themselves from you if you won’t listen.

And this is why it is important to listen and to open your eyes. Avoid loving and trusting blindly and keep your feet in reality because you have a responsibility to yourself to act in your own interests and make yourself opt out of situations that detract from you even if you have to experience initial pain. Be under no illusions even if that means confronting a painful truth – if you stick around with someone who wants out or who shows or voices their disinterest, you’re only lying to yourself and opening yourself up to more pain.

Your thoughts?


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