Trust me, if you have little or no boundaries and some dubious ideas about sexual interaction with men, you will find yourself placing too much emphasis on sex, mistaking sexual attraction for love and emotional intimacy, and based on how your libido reacts, you may use sex as a ‘tool’ for assessing whether you should ‘love’ and stay. Below are just some of the sexual pitfalls (ideas, actions, and beliefs) that affect women dating everywhere – from big cities, to teenie, tiny villages.
1. The fact that you find someone attractive, feel a chemistry with them, your libido goes crazy, or you swing from the chandeliers while having orgasms is not indicative of 1) their character or 2) your love for them.
Just like the issue of common interests, we assume that when we find someone attractive or they make us go crazy in the sack, that this correlates to the rest of their character.
We assume that someone who we find attractive or have a great sexual ‘connection’ with is someone who possesses similar values and is an ideal love partner.
The ‘attraction’ ‘chemistry’ and ‘libido’ response is more often than not, totally unlinked to the actual character of the person, especially if you 1) don’t actually know them yet or 2) are in denial about who they are.
2. Do not use your libido, orgasms etc as a judge of character or you will be love blind and a slave to your hormones.
You are giving yourself too much credit for your powers of judgement and using the wrong ‘skills’ to gauge the suitability of partners. If you focus on the feeling created by sex, you will end up like a crack fiend looking for their next fix. You’ll lose sight of yourself, who they really are and what your relationship actually is or isn’t and believe that the sex, which you also think is your ‘love’, will fix everything; it won’t.
3. Sex is just sex. It’s not love, it’s not emotion, and it’s not a demonstration of how much someone feels for you or what you feel for them.
Combined with love, care, trust, and respect, sex is a key way of being intimate with your partner, but without love, care, trust, and respect, it is important to realise that on its own it is a physical act. Having great sex doesn’t mean that you love them or that they love you. Not so great people can be really good in bed – in time you will recognise the hollowness and the real lack of intimacy between you both. If the ‘intimacy’ can’t translate beyond sex, your relationship is limited.
4. Any guy who literally ‘cannot wait’ to have you and ‘must’ sleep with you tonight, should probably wait. Especially if the length of time you have known him is seconds, minutes, hours, or days…
Eagerness to sleep with you is not the same as having a high level of genuine interest.
Think back to the guys who have been eager to sleep with you, whether they’ve badgered you for sex or littered the conversation with sexual references, or given you ‘that look’ that lets you know exactly what they want – where are they?
5. Decent guys don’t get mean, sarcastic, petulant or anything negative with you when you say that you don’t want to have sex.
In fact, you may not even need to have the conversation.
6. Whatever it is that you think you’re going to find out or be able to do as a result of having sex, I’d move on to plan B.
Shagging someone isn’t going to bring you closer if you don’t have the foundations of a relationship in the first place. You cannot keep a man based on sex alone so if you’re trying to shag him into loving you, you’re wasting your time and energy. You will not be able to prove yourself to him because you’ve had sex, given him a blowjob, or done whatever it is you think he loves best because you may be communicating the wrong message.
E.g. Last year, a reader told me about how the only way she could maintain any contact and feel like she had any power over her situation or the guy was to work her magic on him. She’d practically be begging him to let her give him oral sex. Apparently she was the best at it but the fact remained that whether she was top of the tree or number 25, or whether she had the power to win him over for a few minutes, all he knew was that he still didn’t want a relationship, but at least he knew where he could get his rocks off…
7. You cannot expect sexual exclusivity while knowing that the person isn’t actually exclusive with you.
This means either be exclusive, or don’t have sex. Or…play Russian roulette, be very casual, or find yourself in a super ambiguous zone….
The expectation of sexual exclusivity without relationship exclusivity is a half hearted boundary and an attempt to seek validation by having the ‘main title’.
Both men and women like ‘titles’ and knowing where they are in the pecking order, but if you are in a pecking order in a relationship, it is already start of a very slippery slide down a very painful slope.
By expecting sexual exclusivity without relationship exclusivity, you’re requiring high trust levels from yourself and being very half-hearted because at the end of the day, the person knows that you’re likely to be there even if they’re involved with several people and even if you’re not actually sure they’re being ‘faithful’. You’re almost setting yourself up to fail and getting ready to take up a position where you ‘prove’ your worthiness so that he’ll drop all others.
8. Sexual communication is not the same as emotional communication.
Expressing how much you like sex or how much you love the sexuality of the other person, their amazing bum, or whatever, is not the same as expressing yourself emotionally or communicating how you feel about that person emotionally.
9. If what you love and emphasise most about him is how great he was in the sack/the sexual connection/how horny you feel when you see him and yada yada yada, consider yourself ‘in love’ with a walking, talking penis. Really.
You’re certainly not in love with the person or taking into account their character. Next time you’re feeling nostalgic or selling yourself the idea of going back for more, replace your mental image of him with a giant penis.
If you’re still tempted, see what ‘substance’ (as in characteristics, qualities, values etc) that you can add to the penis to make it a ‘whole person’.
10. If someone is telling you how much they’re going to miss sleeping/screwing/effing you this is not the same as telling you how much they’re going to miss you.
Don’t get things twisted and add meaning where there is no meaning or where it means something entirely different and certainly don’t make excuses for him and say ‘Oh it’s just his style. He doesn’t know how to express himself. I know what he means!’ No you don’t because what he means is what he means – you’re attempting to make a silk purse out a pigs ear. When someone misses you they tell you that they miss you. This is just like when someone says ‘I really miss you being there for me’ which really means ‘I really miss you being that steady, reliable, too trusting person who let me get away with everything…until you put your foot down.’
11. If when you hear from a guy is linked to sex, it’s because they’re getting in touch with you for sex.
They might put some chit chat in, buy you a drink, dinner, flowers, or even say nice things but if when you hear from them is largely based around arranging to hook up, it’s because you’re hooking up. If there’s not much going on in between, it’s not because he’s ‘busy’, it’s because you are involved in a sexual relationship.
12. If your pattern is to have sex with guys on the first date or early in the relationship, or where you ‘make an exception’ and your relationships are not working out, stop having sex on the first date or early in the relationship and stop making an exception to rules that you don’t actually enforce.
Sex is confusing things in your interactions. To ensure that you don’t love or trust blindly, or take a quick hop, skip and a jump to The Justifying Zone, that special place we go to where we look for reasons to justify our initial emotional or sexual investment, it is best to open your eyes, put your feet in reality, and get to know the person without being blinded by your ill judging libido.
No, not having sex is not a guarantee of the relationship working out, but odds are that if you don’t have the distraction of whatever ideas and perceptions you have about him based on the sex, you will either opt out of a dubious situation far sooner, or recognise a an opportunity for a healthy relationship.
Your thoughts?
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NML, You are very brave to state this in a world where Sex is King. Even the youngest girls are pushed to be sexual creatures. Girls who are more thoughtful, and have stronger boundaries, are derided as
aberrant, as slow, as many other nasty things. The pitfalls of casual sex; disease, pregnancy, emotional pain, are downplayed or ignored. Thanks for stating where sex should really fit in the whole picture.
This is such an important post and what a great comment. When the pitfalls of casual sex are ignored or minimized, we teach ourselves to ignore or bury the emotional pain that is present, a sure setup for future unhealthy relationships.
Young women need to be taught early on to listen to their inner wisdom and value that wisdom first and foremost. This is especially true in modern society where being stereotypically sexy is pushed at girls, both blatantly and insidiously, from an early age.
If we could just take it real slow, really get to know someone first.
Just think how much more amazing sex would be when you decided it was time to do it.
The anticipation would make for great excitement and really give you time to get to know the other person properly , and the fact you knew the other person more intimately would make the whole experience more comfortable too. Wow!
Emily,
I don’t think it is even “taking it slow” and “get to know him” that avoids the worst mistakes. Most people aren’t taught/shown at home, as children, what it means to get to know someone. It takes time to evaluate whether someone is genuine, or someone pretending for their own purposes. You have to see someone in a lot of circumstances to be assured their emotional and life discipline are what they should be, in a responsible and dependable mate. Yes, there are red flags for the inept pretenders, those out of control or ignorant as well as superficial.
The mistakes that cause the most pain are the ones that come closest to being suitable. We aren’t taught – men or women – what is important, how to tell the genuine gold from the shiny brass – or the tin. We seldom even think of the qualities in someone will depend upon, for years to come, to co-parent and help raise our children, to work with us to pay bills, work for improvement in the community, be there to support our families when the need us.
Taking things slow and taking time are wonderful, for giving a chance for red flags to pop up if they are there. But please, please spend that time looking at honesty, honor, discipline, parenting and mate skills, communication skills and understanding of nurturing and growth. Some skills can be learned (changing diapers comes to mind) – if the person is willing and able. Not everyone is able to be a reasonable and secure mate. History teaches us that a good match needn’t depend up great sexual excitement; care, discipline (will to complete a task), honor, respect, and trust are needful much more often.
If it is any consolation, most times the sex gets more comfortable, more useful with practice. Excitement is a measure of danger and risk – people that make a recreation of sex, like many forms of exciting (risky) ventures, seldom lead long and comfortable lives. (And, yes, if you find someone that considers sex a recreation – they will never be a life-partner, only a bed hopper. Sorry.)
Thank you. You are a godsend.
Do not use your libido, orgasms etc as a judge of character or you will be love blind and a slave to your hormones.
Wow Nat you are so right – alot of this hit home. Sexual relationship vs. emotional relationship. I have always viewed this as one and the same. I didn’t stop to think that this view wasn’t shared between us. The mere act of having sex bonded us in my mind but there was no meeting of the minds. The last ExEUM is a very clear example of that. He certainly didn’t view it that way – to him it was just sex – to me it was love manifesting in a physical way. We were defintitely not on the same page nor do we share any primary core values. His character is beyond suspect and red flags were blazing which I choose to ignore. Not anymore. Thank you for all the work you have done and continue to do. You have made so much so clear its hard NOT to see it now and certainly can’t ignore either. You are a gift!
Thank you for this great article…I need to read this over and over…I have made this mistake too many times, but NO MORE!! Thank you for this site, it is a wonderful place for healing and becoming strong.
Love this! Wish I had it in my early years! LOL better late then never!
Brava!!! Love this article, NML,
I used to value sex way too much in a relationship. I’m still not quite sure why. But I had to finally learn that my vagina CANNOT run my love life. I placed a great deal on a man’s physical attractiveness, how hot he was and how he would make me feel in bed. My epiphany relationship was solely a sex, fu*k buddy arrangement. But I felt if i “laid it on him just right”, if I wore more sexy lingerie, if i sucked his d**k harder, let him ride me like a horse from behind the way he liked it, if i moaned louder or talked dirty on the phone with him late at night he’d stay, he’d love me, he’d commit to me and spend time with me; instead he’d get up and wash his genitals off and walk out the door when he was done, like he always did, every single time leaving the used condom on the bed side table for me to throw away…when he used one.
I felt like dirt afterwards, like the lowest whore…but then I told myself that even whores get paid for their “services” I wasn’t getting anything from this. He never took me out, never called afterwards, never asked about what was going on in my life b/c he just didn’t care. But I refused to see it. I WANTED to be with him b/c I had our future already planned out …if I could just get him to act right.
Ladies, what NML has written in this post is TRUE. I know because I lived it and many of you have as well. Sex DOES NOT equal love, or care or trust or commitment. Sex won’t keep him from leaving if that is what he intends to do, it won’t make you more loveable or valuable in his eyes. You are the easy lay that doesn’t ask for much and will always be there with legs open to receive him and he knows that. What I say is harsh and I don’t mean to be crude, but when I think of how little I valued myself to be with that man it literally brings tears to my eyes. How much I blindly and foolishly gave him and how much he took. It has taken me years to finally rid his stink off of me.
Sex is just another tool that these men use to control and manipulate you into doing what they want and getting what they want from you. It is up to US as women to say “No, you are going to have to earn it. Earn my respect, earn my attention, earn my time, earn my trust and yes earn my body! I am no longer giving it away in the hopes you’ll then show me some attention. Show me, with consistent deeds and actions, that you truly care and respect me and then I might consider having sex with you.” That’s why boundaries are SO important. It teaches people how to treat you and teaches you how to start to learn to value yourself. We women have to use our heads and not just our hearts and vaginas when deciding whom to love and spend time with.
For example, recently, I met a man on a dating website. I contacted him based on his profile. He e-mailed me back and asked for my IM address (red flag #1). I gave it to him. A week went by. He didn’t contact me (red flag #2) and I didn’t contact him. Then one night at around 10pm or so I was checking my mail and he pops up (red flag #3). He chats me up a little bit and then bam! he starts with the sex talk asking me quesition about what sexual positions I like, can he talk to me in spanish while we make love, do I like doggy style, am i down for anal play…really sexaully explict stuff. I told him that this was making me very uncomfortable and that he should take in down a few notches, which he did and gave some lame excuse as to not having sex in a while why he was coming at me like that. This was our first conversation, by the way (red flag #4) I bade him good night and wrote him off. About a week later, I’m online checking my e-mail, it’s early Sunday morning and he appears again. Not even a mintue in he’s telling me how he had a dream about me and him eating grapes in Italy (lame) and he “takes me from behind.” Well right there I put my foot down hard, told him he was crude and inappropriate and that he needed to be chatting up some other chick who wanted to be f**k buddies b/c I did not want that at all!! Never heard from him again.
My boundary (I have many now) is that a man should not discuss sex in the first few hours, days or even weeks of meeting me. That time is to be used to GET TO KNOW ME!! and for me to get to know him. Like NML, if he is decent and has decent, honorable intentions towards you you may not have to have any conversation about sex at all until you both have decided that is what you want to have together exclusively. There should be now questions about what positions I like. Dude, do you even know my name? Sure we are adults and flirtation is going to happen and yes perhaps some sexual innuendo, but when a man comes at me early on with constant sex talk without even so much as asking about my day upon the first couple of dates and conversations to me, he’s a douche and has no intent in courting me.
Don’t use your sexuality to try to get or keep a man. It never works, it never has and all it does is cheapens you.
Sorry for the long reply. Thanks NML and keep up the spot on work, we need to hear these messages everyday! 🙂
I couldnt’t agree with this 100%. Are you me? Because I could have written this myself!!!
Ditto!
Loved your response because I think you hit it dead on. I’m glad to hear that you were able to get away from that guy and learned (for yourself) how truly valuable you are.
It requires a serious look inwards to really understand the damage we allowed to happen to us…based on what we thought we were doing to be loved. And that is rarely an easy process. It can leave us feeling sick to the stomache when we look back on it….but its those tears that remind us that we don’t belong in those situations anymore. Many hugs to you!
@ AC Free
Thanks for the kind words and the hugs:) It was a long difficult journey, but worth it. I’m a better person who truly values herself now and ironically enough having gone through that diaster pushed me into a much better place….and that journey continues.
Been there too…..
LOVE this post! I have been diligent about waiting to have sex in my relationships since my divorce. I didn’t want to fall into old patterns I had before getting married. I messed up a few times but have finally learned my lesson.
Without sex, I’m focused on the guy, NOT on the sex. Most guys don’t mind waiting. In fact it makes me MORE desirable in their eyes because I actually have standards. They know I’m not jumping into bed with every man I meet. That automatically gets them hooked. <– This assumes of course that they are good boys who want a relationship. A guy wanting only sex will likely drop me like a hot potato… which is a good thing!
What an epiphany! Thank you for writing this post!
I like #9. If I visualize him as his own penis, it mirrors him to a T. Used and abused.
Kissie i agree one hundred percent with you. This post is spot on. I go caught out with the whole sex thing. I had a really terrible experience with the biggest assclown in the world! We were f**kbuddies initially but then i caught feelings and started to push for relationship, which he consistently rejected. To make matters worse, he then made another girl his girlfriend, right under my nose, and to my shame, that fact never stopped me from continuing to see him. They eventually broke up after a few months and as usual, I carried on seeing him after their breakup.
But his constant disrepect and constant rejection of me as a potential girlfriend finally took its toll on me, making me end it once and for all. Emotionally speaking, that man really put me through the ringer during the course of our “non relationship”!
I am a person that likes sex a lot, but it has never posed a problem for me in the past when it comes to starting a proper boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. I have been married twice. Both were fairly long marriages which accounted for the majority of my adult life. None of my ex husbands were assclowns or people with glaring character flaws. My marriages never worked out for other reasons than assclownery, and i am still friendly with each of them. The interesting thing is that both these relationships started with us having sex very early on. For example, I had sex with my first husband on the same day i met him and i had sex with my second husband after a week of meeting him. I was never made to feel used or unworthy. I was very secure and sure of their love for me as they consistently demonstrated this. And of course, they both were happy to be in a proper relationship with me and in time, they both asked for my hand in marriage!
So when i met this assclown, it was the first time i have ever felt used for sex. Boy, this was a wake-up call for me! Up until meeting him, i never associated early-on sex with doom, gloom and heartbreak. I recently read somewhere that only ten percent of FWB relationships turn into proper relationships. I guess i defied the odds in the past and i was damned well lucky!
But post-assclown experience, my eyes are wide open now and i have installed a boundary!! From now on, i have decided there will be no more early-on sex for me!
this is a well needed article, nml. and kissie i have so been there. it is only in hindsight that you realize how ridiculous using chemistry, great sex or common interests as a basis for a relationship really is. i always ued to say, ‘well if i’m attracted to him and he’s really into me, what can be wrong with sleeping with him after X amount of days/weeks. a real man wouldn’t judge me based on that” that’s all fine and dandy, until you come to the realization that for most men, they look no further if they are already hooking up and see you as a woman so hot to hook up yourself YOU didn’t even seem to mind he knows nothing of importance about you nor you him. add to that the fact that for me and a lot of other women here, we are equating this good time with someone deeper that does not and will not exist, and we’re quickly slipping into the quicksand of seeking his validation, getting him to treat us with respect, give us the title…all the while performing his favorite sex acts betting on it to jumpstart his ‘love’. few of us go into fwb arrangements with clarity and no secret hopes of it being more. few of us start off having sex right off and it turns into the love of our lives. i think we have watched too many films where the lothario turns it all around for that ‘one’ girl. in reality that kind of self reflection is caused by events we cannot control and it may take years to happen. so many men will drop their weekend girlfriend and take up an actual relationship with some other female leaving our heads spinning. it is so true that devaluing what you need is such a much harder road than realizing what is good for you no matter HOW hot he is. and believe me, i know that’s hard! because we are so reactive as women. we need to see past the next 5 to 45 minutes of sex to when he’s walking out the door and you know you won’t see him for two weeks until he needs someone to utilize for the night because girl, THAT’s reality.
So glad you wrote this article Nat, I thought I was just being the last of the old-fashioned women, wanting to get to know someone before I sleep with them in this day and age, glad to know there are others that feel this way too.
I was called “square” by an ex EUM because I didn’t want to sleep with a married man…….geez, silly me for having a few morals.
Great post. Schoolgirls should study this site (and learn how to drive) instead of some of the nonsense that’s on the curriculum!
this site is always talking to the woman i was. shoooooo strainght to the point and true. in my days of being eu and dating eum?assclowns, i used to fall for this one. i would go on dates with guys, the boundaries i had werent so strong, however i used to not want sex on first dates or too early in the relationship. Now i would be on date 1 with a guy, thing get cosy and say i resist , date 2, he starts telling me of how old fashioned he thinks it is that woman think that they would be thought of as Loose or easy if they do not give it up early, he would go on to tell me how different he was, how he is the exception to most guys, how he will not sleep with just any woman he had just met but( listen to this one) he will never see me differently if i had to do it with him as early as then because, he LOVES me, yes you got that right, LOVED me on date two. and guess what i would do it, not because i was horny or looking forward to an orgasm which historically from years of being sexually active, i knew it i would not have it(orgasm). i would have sex right early in a relationship because a guy says he has a different idea about ladies that do it on day one, and that he is different in a sence that he normally just doesnt sleep with people he has no feeling for!!!! i was in a coma guys!!!
the worst part about me was that i did not have to have feelings to do it or be horny. he just had to ask and promise forever!!!! i know it sucks but i realise now that me and them werent so different. they lied and mentioned i love yous that had absolutely no meaning to them, they got sex. i had unfulfilling sex that i knew i didnt like having and knew that for whatever reason i just dont have orgasm, and my trade off was temporary comfort of being liked by someone or having someone go through the effort of lying about how they were into me. Never againg will i abuse myself like that.
another thing, i have never enjoyed sex but worked it like i enjoyed it, at some point even initiated it. they on the other hand, they have never loved anyone else but themselves but worked it like they did to the point where they pursued us like crazy. I decided to work on me and my issues and stop the focus on what they did and didnt do because to an emotionally unavailable man, expecting him to love you can be as traumatic as being in an unloving relationship……Am i right????
Yes, abosulutely…
I did the same thing, engaging in sexual activity only on the “promise” that he would love me forever. He’d say things like I’ve never met anyone quite like you, you’re so special to me and my ego would shoot through the roof. I had such low self-esteem that I believed him and of course I’d have sex with him…which is what he wanted anyway. That’s why I said in a former comment that these AC and EUMs are predators, b/c they pick their victims and play on our weaknesses to get what they want and when they’re done with you they’re gone, leaving you to have to clean up the mess you’ve allowed them tomake of your life. I’m soooo through with that, so through.
i loved your honesty and i’ve been in similar positions with men in the past. I would have sex simply because I believed that’s what girls do….I never enjoyed it but went through the bells and whistles pretending to enjoy it. Looking back I could never have orgasm either.
I know this sounds strange but I haven’t slept with a man in 15 years. I refuse to be used again and want it to be with someone I love / and he loves me. Sometimes I feel he’s not out there. My first experience with an AC (4 years ago) went so far to say “I can tell you’re going to be a lot of work” simply because he took me to a movie and I wouldn’t handle him “down there” during the movie. It took me 4 years to finally understand what the hell the guy was truly up to. He would always stay in contact with me (knowing I wouldn’t sleep with him) so I always walked away baffled and condemned. It never occurred to me that the man was not interested in me for anything other then sex. I’m not sure what I was thinking, except that he came on soooo strong in the beginning and it felt good to be pursued….I just wanted that feeling back. I never noticed that I stopped feeling good the first week I met him and in fact, started to feel despair. I felt like a complete loser most of the time and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just leave me alone if he didn’t want a relationship with me. It didn’t dawn on me that I could just walk away and tell him to bugg off!!
This is very pertinent for me right now. I think the sexual element is very important in a relationship. As a woman, I want to be desired sexually, otherwise it is just a friendship. But with that said, how the beginning flows out and how you sequence how far you go, are a negotiation that requires boundaries.
In my last situation, I had the opposite, he did not touch me in an intimate way like he was connecting with body language. I will pay attention to that every time I date someone again. It made me feel really awful that he would not connect by making me feel any different from anyone else he was simply spending time with.
Then, the last time we spent time together, he had some issues. I do not know if the issues were because he was not feeling connected to me, or he was not attracted to me, or he is just sexually ambivalent. Regardless, he commented on my technique and made it my issue. This hurt because it led him to pulling back. And I am sure in his mind, it is my fault. It hurts just thinking about it.
I feel sad. But I did end it because there was no communication about anything, let alone this.
I can’t make someone like me, and I can’t force them to talk to me.
I ended it with him because I was finding I was doing what NML says, which is that I had chosen someone who could not give me what I need, and then both he and I made it my fault, instead of seeing, it was really him who was not really willing to give anything.
i now realise that i had sex as a “thank you, you gave me the time of the day” thank you you like me, thank you you said you like me, thank you, you went through the effort of lying to me” trust me i can count a couple of times where i knew and believed i was being lied to, however i felt i needed to be polite and give a curtesey f%^ck. i had to reciprocate their being nice or good or whatever.
again, NML straight to the point and so true, i have just turned 30 and i am glad my comatosed 20’s are gone.
What a timely post. I recently moved and about a month or so before I left I began to have a “relationship” with what I can now officially say is an EUM. I slept with him after our first date and we spent every night together the entire month until I moved three weeks ago. The sex is amazing, both of us admititng the best we’ve ever had, but the emotional depth or any speck of what might constitute a relationship is blaringly missing at this point. We are only about an hour or so away, and I have gone back two weekends and stayed with him. Granted, I was getting some things out of storage etc. but I went to him. Now, I am here in a new city, alone, and I am so embarrassed by the way I have been texting him, calling him and trying to stay in contact with little or no effort on his end. I feel I need some sort of consistency, something which he cannot give. I worry he is sleeping with someone else, and we don’t even have a commitment to one another in terms of a relationship. I am so wound up over this guy when I have so many other things I should be focusing on (like my amazing new job which I relocated for). He almost acts like a perpetual 21 year old too…he hustles for a living and haphazardly runs an art gallery. What is wrong with me? I feel so incredibly needy and do make it all worse I called him not 1, not 2 but THREE TIMES at 1:50 am last night with no returned call. I just feel so pathetic and used, and I know I am the best thing that could have ever happened to him. I did exactly what this post said, attached emotions to sex. It really hurts. I didn’t think he would hurt me like this, but he has. And now I have to rely on forums such as this to remind me not to contact him anymore. I struggle with so many things, validation, self-worth, and now being alone in a new city only seems to magnify those struggles. At this point, I am just straight up embarrassed at the clinging on I have done.
Ugh Kathy,
A lot of us have been where you are. Don’t beat yourself up.
If you have a history of being with fairly decent men, one of these guys can really spin your head around.
The good news is WOW!!
You’re in a new city with a FAB new job!!
When I finally lost my EUM my brother said to me
“Remember, you are the STAR of YOUR life,
not the co-star of his.”
Kathy, you are the star of your life.
The act that this loser got a bit part in is over.
Be the Leading Lady you were born to be.
xo
Dearest Over it,
Oh those two words couldn’t be more accurate. You are right, I need to stop giving him the power to validate me and take a look around and appreciate my new job, my new studio and how I have made things manifest. It is a real shame that I rely upon men to validate me, make me feel attractive, etc. And, I seem to have a real knack at going out with men who are not nearly as driven and dare I say accomplished as I am. Maybe it is another self-esteem issue. I have never had a healthy relationship before and I am 31. Throughout my twenties the tumult has definitely taught me some lessons, but clearly I still have so much to learn. Like how to be happy alone and how to respect my body. Thank you so much for your feedback, I need it.
Another major red flag, when you know that you should be having a “talk” with someone, but instead you have sex. Sex is not talking.
Oh how blind we can become because of a penis. Sex is dangerous because of the levels of oxytocin that are released during sexual contact. So while you may think that you have a relationship with the guy, really you are just “high on drugs”, the chemical oxytocin, secreted by your own body. What’s worse is it takes a long time for those levels to go down. The withdrawls are a bitch.
Sadly even good sex with the wrong person just ends up feeling wrong. I noticed a hollow feeling after sex (an emotional disconnect between us) even early on in my last relationship, but I ignored it, even though deep down in my gut was telling me to run. Should have listened to my instincts, but I was “high on the love drug”.
“Sex is dangerous because of the levels of oxytocin that are released during sexual contact. ”
this is really interesting, as I am pretty sure that oxytocin functions as a PAINKILLER, ( too lazy to google it)… but…. the thinking would then go…sex with an EUM is a drug that masks the underlying chronic emotional pain of an emotionally empty relationship.
After the sex drug wears off you have the double whammy of being depleted from drug use and the emotional pain still present from the unhealthy relationship. Great metaphor.
How did we get to the point that sex and love become interchangeable things? What really gets me is the number of women that I’m friends with (and I have done it myself) that keep doing it again and again. Even though it makes them unhappy eventually. Are we so desperate for love that we turn everything into it, even a one night stand? I know so many strong, beautiful, intelligent women that start acting like inexperienced school girls in relationships because for some reason we’ve got the point that being ‘single’ is a dirty word.
‘If you focus on the feeling created by sex, you will end up like a crack fiend looking for their next fix’ Very accurate! This is exactly what happens! And it’s difficult to get out of.
I’m new here. This is an amazing site. I just wanted to say that on the whole sex thing it’s not just an emotional issue. Your body releases a hormone after sex which is called oxytoxin ( I think) that makes you want to bond with the person. This is natures’ way of bettering the chances that any offspring will have two providers and a better chance for survival. Because of this, any old ac starts to look good to you after sex even though you know darn well it’s a big mistake….it’s partly biologically driven. It’s generally why women aren’t very successful at casual sex…we aren’t made that way. Just another reason to take your time.
Great post. This will help keep me on my toes.
I’ve just found this site and it’s fantastic! Thank you 🙂
I think that another pertinent point about sex is that you always run the risk (however small) of very far-reaching consequences, as I found to my cost. I fell pregnant by the last EUM that I was seeing, despite taking proper contraceptive precautions. Okay, it’s been my decision to keep the baby – and although it wasn’t what I wanted I’ve come to terms with it and am relatively happy about it – but whatever decision I made it would’ve been something that I had to live with for the rest of my life.
I’m now living in a strange hinterland of trying to renegotiate proper boundaries with the father (difficult, at this stage!), make the moral decisions about his rights to play a role in the life of his child, cope with the financial implications of having a child and adjusting to the impact that it is already having on my life (and let’s face it, I ain’t seen nothing yet). It was complicated enough before, but this is a whole new level.
When I look at the way that things have turned out and tried to work out how my life has taken this turn, one of the most dangerous half-truths that I was taught about sex (by my peers and the media) is that it’s a consequence-free morale-boost. I fell pregnant the first time I had sex with the EUM after a self-imposed ban of several months following a particularly nasty bit of ass-clownery on his part. I had been recently-bereaved, feeling rubbish and thought “What’s the harm?” – after all, I thought that I was sensible enough to avoid this eventuality and I was the last person that I could imagine in this position.
My point is, I guess, that no-one is 100% safe from having their life turned on its head by ‘a harmless shag’ – apart from pregnancy and the emotional aspect there are STDs and life-threatening illnesses in the mix. When and why did we start accepting that sex was a implication-free hobby?