When I reflect on my dating habits, I recognise that I had some pretty twisted ideas about how to forge relationships. I believed I was compatible with most of the Mr Unavailables and assclowns I dated. These men ticked the boxes with good sense of humour, exciting, drama, ‘passion’, and blah, blah, blah. In fact, I often chose partners for utterly ridiculous reasons that meant nothing in the grander scheme of things because they were no good for me or a relationship.
The people I claimed to be compatible with were incompatible with my happiness, sense of self, and self-esteem. We fundamentally would not have worked, no matter how long I tried to ram a square peg into a round hole or morphed and adapted to suit their whims. My relationships lacked substance because I didn’t look for enough of the things of value and importance.
My notions of what sharing something in common with partners meant were pretty toxic.
While, at the time, I didn’t know it, my type was Mr Unavailables with the occasional bit of assclownary thrown in for good measure. I thought my ‘type’ was tall, exciting men who were sometimes a little quirky looking. They needed to be clever and have a good, stable job. They also needed to fancy me and say they loved me, even if their behaviour ultimately indicated something different. Or, even if they hardly knew me.
My type made me miserable though. It derailed me, and I’d wind up hating myself in my relationships. I also did foolish and painful things that only served to further detract from me. It turns out my type was toxic.
I thought that I had a lot in common with my past relationship partners. To be honest, most of them bored the crap out of me. Going out, dining out and drinking, sharing the same book, movie, TV and musical tastes, travelling, or whatever the interest—these were my idea of having a lot in common. I latched onto these seeming commonalities as signs of connection and to justify my investment in the relationship. Often, their interests became mine. In turn, my interests were often forgotten and subsumed by theirs.
Truth be told, while we had some surface interests, we didn’t share the common interests of the relationship and each others‘ wellbeing. More importantly, there were little or no shared values. In fact, values didn’t really enter into the relationship so it was fundamentally flawed. There were no boundaries and far too much illusion. Ultimately, the fact that we both, for instance, liked Thai food, R&B music, and reading about globalisation, didn’t help our relationship.
When you decide to break the cycle of your relationship habits you quickly discover that much of what you thought mattered really don’t.
When you think you’ve got your type all figured out but then bemoan how they behave, you’re still catering to old whims, patterns, and fears. You’re treating compatibility, type, and common interests as though you’re ticking boxes on a dating profile.
I’m compatible with someone who loves, cares for, respects, and trusts me; who I share core values with and who isn’t trying to fight being a decent person in a decent relationship. It’s more of a turn-on to be around someone with integrity who’s emotionally connected. I want to be with someone who’s truly getting to know me for me with no illusions. I’m compatible with someone who I can lean on emotionally and them me. I like not living in fear or catering to my fears. I don’t have to (or want to) pretend anymore. As a result, I can get on with being me, enjoying my life, and being happy now.
More importantly, I’m not compatible with bullshit and, to be honest, that’s what all of my poor relationships were.
In this five-part series, I want to discuss ‘compatibility‘ and how we’ve often claimed to be compatible in unhealthy relationships. I’ll talk about how having a ‘type’, particularly when, so far, it hasn’t led to a mutually fulfilling relationship, is just another example of Relationship Insanity. I’ll also revisit this common interests malarky that so many of use to justify and cling to relationships that hurt us.
Remember, if you’ve been involved in unfulfilling and unhealthy relationships that give you a familiar feeling, be nervous
Oh…and often, the excitement we think we’re feeling is actually the sensation of someone catering to our fears.
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“isn’t trying to fight being a decent person in a decent relationship” — oooooohhhhhh I LOVE this line
“Do you have ideas about what ‘compatibility’ means? Are you looking for a type or do you think you have common interests?”
No before I wasnt much bothered about compatibility,I just wanted a bf,any bf and I thought that would be enough.But I can say that brought me a lot of problems and compatibility always was a huge problem in my relationship since me and my ex seemed to have totaly oposite ideas of what a love relationship should be like.But even so I still sticked around and tried to turn him on the kind of man that I wanted.Like NML says “You cant fit a square peg into a round hole”,now I know I should have just walked away.Cant wait for the next parts,good subject 🙂
YES! I’ve said in many of my posts that I am not proud of myself, this is partially why. My type is funny first and foremost, I prize wittiness – this is great when it’s combined with narcissistic tendancies, yes, bring it on! Lack of boundaries? Wants the whole world to give it’s approbation and at first you are the moon and stars of that? Yeah great! Except your approbation and love are for the genuine things and something is seeping through the facade somehow … the sense of something being hollow and easily depleted?
I used to say I was fatal to artists and musicians as I always inevitably attracted them – my (EU) dad? frustrated artist … my (EU and assclown extraordinaire) brother? frustrated musician. So you got it … not only artists and musicians but ones who aren’t actually successful. Whoop de doo, there’s a sure fire relationship bet.
They are fatal to me.
My ex-ass – when I was dumb enough to get back with him – held another little surprise for me actually. I realised that although he was actually very intelligent his laziness meant that he was way below my radar and I had more than mentally outgrown him. Reading NMLs book I realised that even this speaks volumes about me and the work I have to do on myself – because even knowing this guy feels nothing normally, is a total assclown hiding behind his “HEY I’m a funny/cute/nice guy look at me playing my guitar” and that I actually had someone who was still a “fixer-upper” even though what I was attracted to was the illusion of someone who went after life and dealt with it… it was still me being EUW.
Then I realised … he’s bored me stupid for a long long long time, and that I had done the same to him because he was waiting for HIS type of approval (being the “trophy” I guess”).
Can’t wait for the rest of this one Natalie 🙂
Ladies,
Yikes! I have a friend that when I asked her what qualities of this man kept her with him, the only thing she could come up with was he was tall. Wow. She totally ignored the fact that he lied, cheated, was a thief, had no moral compass whatsoever. But he was tall. Lousy in bed, the worst she ever had. Can someone please tell me what I am missing here?? I am tall, and would prefer to have someone at least as tall as I am. But if the guy was moral, treated me with respect, loved me, and was decent in bed, I think I could overlook an inch or two in height. Love my friend very much, but at times, I really do not understand where her head is.
@tx Towering above most men? LOL
Butterfly,
Yep, especially when I was in high school. I just don’t like someone walking up to and into, well, my chest!
“I’m compatible with someone who loves, respects, trusts, and cares about me, that has values, shares my values, and isn’t trying to fight being a decent person in a decent relationship. It’s more of a turn-on to be around someone with integrity that’s emotionally connected and is truly getting know me for me and there’s no illusion. I’m compatible with someone who I can lean on emotionally and them me, and I like not living in fear or catering to my fears. I don’t have to (or want to) pretend anymore which means I can get on with being me, enjoying my life, and being happy now.”
This is the most powerful thing you have ever written, and you have written some intensely powerful stuff.
I am not the same mind as I was before I read that paragraph. Thank you.
I thought my ‘type’ was tall, exciting men who were sometimes a little quirky looking. They needed to fancy me and say they loved me, even if their behaviour ultimately indicated something different.
My type made me miserable though. My type derailed me and I didn’t like myself an awful lot around these people and did stupid things that only served to further detract from me. My type was toxic.
I thought that I had a lot in common with the guys I was involved with, but most of them bored the crap out of me if I’m completely honest.
Yup…just been on this ride..glad to be off..too much drama.
I want substance!!
xx and peace of mind
“I’m compatible with someone who loves, respects, trusts, and cares about me, that has values, shares my values, and isn’t trying to fight being a decent person in a decent relationship. It’s more of a turn-on to be around someone with integrity that’s emotionally connected and is truly getting know me for me and there’s no illusion. I’m compatible with someone who I can lean on emotionally and them me, and I like not living in fear or catering to my fears. I don’t have to (or want to) pretend anymore which means I can get on with being me, enjoying my life, and being happy now.â€
I agree with Blaise, that is an incredible paragraph.
In the past, I haven’t taken the time really to identify what it is that I’m attracted to, and I think that is certainly part of the problem. I went mainly on instinct…and honestly, once I’d met someone that pressed my buttons, I didn’t want to think about what it was that was attractive to me, because that would mean I would have to face some things I didn’t want to face – my fears…and my actual DISlike for and DISapproval of the man.
“Oh…and often, that excitement that we think we’re feeling is actually the sensation of someone catering to our fears…”
So true! So, so true!
But I did have my type. I always said, “I know it when I see it.” And it usually defied all logic (and emotional intelligence), and I usually ended up stuck on that person for the long haul, and rejected decent men left and right with my single-minded goal in sight.
And once I read this line, “and isn’t trying to fight being a decent person in a decent relationship” I instantly recognized my xeum, and his behavior. He was constantly fighting those very things…and funny thing, If I really look at myself, I am as well! Because I’m scared.
I seemed to be attracted to the aloof, snarky, “jokes on the world†type. Their cynicism and bad attitude appeal to me, which in hindsight reflects my perspective of the world and discomfort in my own life.
In the end the joke has been on me. Engaging with this ‘type’ has resulted in my expending much effort massaging their egos, vying for their affection and auditioning for the role as their long-term partner.
NML great post. I am really looking forward to this. Right now I am in counselling addressing my pattern of dating certain men. It’s tough because I am supposed to indicate what the last two guys had in common that may have attracted me… thing is these guys were like night and day but that’s if you compare the on paper compatibility results.
The first one was my “type” bad boy, adventurous is way that I admired because I am not a risk taker, avoided calls, disappeared, etc. The second one I never saw it coming because he was well educated, called, always wanted me around, a gentleman in terms of picking me up, holding doors, making sure I had groceries, calling when I was sick. BUT when you talk about similarities in terms of that feeling… I got bored a lot… they never seemed to do what I wanted to do… they didn’t really engage in my life, family, friends. They had pasts filled with absent fathers, cheating abusive women… they were victims of something.
So I will be interested to see what things you point out in the coming posts because I am having a really hard time recognizing the factors. Even now with the latest ex who seemed to me like “finally! a decent guy” after dating uneducated, unemployed losers… I am still doubting that he too was an EUM/AC because he didn’t exhibit typical behaviours that you talk about here.
I have read through the warning signs… but if possible I would like to know more about this “feeling.” Some days I fear that I have commitment issues and that feeling is just me getting nervous about being wtih someone rather than my sixth sense feeling something isn’t right. I don’t ever trust my own judgement, and I talk myself out of that feeling. Any advice or experience you can talk about, about tuning in to that feeling would be greatly appreciated. I also just have a hard time believing that this person is catering to our fears… how do they do it? I didn’t think I was such an open book but maybe I am? I would like to learn how to recognize this behaviour, how someone could be sort of picking on what they know are your insecurities.
Thanks.
Ah, musicians. Yes, Butterfly I do so love them too!
Q: What does a stripper do with her a//hole before she goes to work?
A: Drops him off at band practice!
Amazing!!!!! NML everytime I read you have such amazing insights. I feel as a woman since reading your blog i’ve grown in problem solving and having respect and dignity in knowing my boundaries and knowing I ultimately always deserve the best. Keep up the amazing articles!!! Thank you!!!
” I’m not compatible with bullsh*t ”
Yes, that’s how I feel now. We may have had some superficial common interests, but deceit, anger, bitterness, emotional retardation, fear, cowardice, pettiness, a lack of integrity, and the admitted inability to love any human being? I’m not compatible with that BS either. Everything about that man is shallow and false. What a joke.
Thanks again NML. I’m convinced that you’re nothing short of brilliant!! =)
I’m actually responding to several posts that I’ve read over the week and I see a consistent response from the women on here. I think most of us are in agreement that good men are so hard to find….but I’m beginning to believe that we simply never learned to recognize them. They’re generally not the weepy “please save me” types or the “please consider my potential because I’m really not worth sh*t” types. So we go about life and the great men seem to blend in to the environment like shrubs and we never recognize them.
The fireworks we feel are just like NML says….the other person catering to our fears. I think subconsciously the butterflys in my tummy are a direct reaction to the EUM and it screams “this feels so familiar but I’m praying this time I can get it right”. Because it sure doesn’t happen that way when a nice guy comes a long! In the end, I’m placing my bets on the nice / good guy…my guess is that I’m the common denominator in all the relationships that went to crap so that means I’m the common denominator on all the good ones that will come along. Hugs and kisses to all of you!
@nene “I seemed to be attracted to the aloof, snarky, “jokes on the world†type. Their cynicism and bad attitude appeal to me, which in hindsight reflects my perspective of the world and discomfort in my own life.”
I really want to thank you for posting that. It was an uncomfortable truth which it spoke to me.
“’I’ m compatible with someone who loves, respects, trusts, and cares about me, that has values, shares my values, and isn’t trying to fight being a decent person in a decent relationship.”
I am certainly in agreement with the statement above (and especially about the later part about not being compatible with b.s.) but let me ask the readers a question-is shared values enough? Obviously, lack of shared values can doom a relationship, but should we be placing the majority of our concentration on shared values-or focusing on looking for our “soul mate?” I am not even sure what that is, but so many people seem to be looking for the perfect person and are “not willing to settle”-what might we me overlooking? No, I am certainly not advocating that people stay in toxic relationships, or continue to stay with people who treat them badly, etc.
Just a question that I have had to struggle with lately, and I honestly don’t know the answer.
I
I have to laugh. Literally. I just opened my email to a message from someone I realised was totally inappropriate over two months ago, forgot about totally until this morning when he crossed my mind – here’s an email from him as if nothing happened.
It made me realise how much has changed in that time, because my reaction is amusement at the predictability of these kinds of men …
@TJ – “deceit, anger, bitterness, emotional retardation, fear, cowardice, pettiness, a lack of integrity, and the admitted inability to love any human being? I’m not compatible with that BS either.” Amen sister!!! This sentence really resonated with me.
@Butterfly – “my reaction is amusement at the predictability of these kinds of men” …I laughed when I read this for the simple reason that the guy has no idea that you are now better armed to see through BS. I *love* how we are all becoming stronger, our BS detectors are becoming finer tuned, and we are setting our boundaries. Nice to be able to laugh at the pathetic boy-men instead of getting sucked in by their antics.
By the way, I saw a beautiful butterfly today, and thought of you. Hope you’re having a great day!
Nene, you said a mouthful here!
“vying for their affection and auditioning for the role as their long-term partner.”
I felt like a trained monkey with my exEUM! The audition NEVER ended, and of course I was never cast.
@ Meant – yay! I picked this name at random but I rather like it so it’s nice to know there’s some good connections out there cos of it – chaos theory? Maybe the butterfly wings causing a hurricane is a hurricane of shared power with us all? I hope so!
“The audition NEVER ended, and of course I was never cast.” Well, I hear someone else’s guy snoring away through the ceiling. Being single has its compensations!!!
You have no idea how I wish I had heard all the things you are saying 15 or more years ago. No one gives you a manual before you start dating to identify these possible issues before things develop into destructive patterns. I think you should do seminars for college and high school girls. This way, they can say no early on to assclowns and eum’s and take healthy roads to relationships.
metsgurl wrote this
“The fireworks we feel are just like NML says….the other person catering to our fears. I think subconsciously the butterflys in my tummy are a direct reaction to the EUM and it screams “this feels so familiar but I’m praying this time I can get it rightâ€.
know whats weird about my one EUM experience?
Early on my heart would pound when I saw him, and that has never happened to be before and I was so curious about that feeling. There were enough red flags that I recognized the heartbeat as some sort of nervousness, and only developed a friendship with him. But towards the end I realized he was my mom come back to haunt me, And I was him Mom, he was always seeking praise and approval from me and I am not that sort of person, just like his mom was probably not.
See, there was a strong connection and I thought the connection might be related to romantic love, but also knew there was something unhealthy enough that it had to be only friends til it got sorted out. But oh did I hope that I could make my mom’s death right by helping him. And I bet he wished I could have made his mom issues right with him.
Think my point is that common interests can also include attraction to the old family of origin stuff. I used to think this stuff best avoided like the plague but I now think it can be an incredible opportunity for growth and reslotion in a mature, intelligent relationship.
But with EUM/AC’s, you will never get there because they do not have the will, ability and/ or intelligence to work on it.
This is food for thought too. My ex-ass definitely was attracted to stuff he found familiar, with hindsight. I have a pretty inappropriate sense of humour, I tend to decide what I want then go for it and I am usually pretty capable (I’m going by what others say, I am a mess to my own mind). One unresolved issue is that he said “time is running out” and I actually think it was “my time is running out cos my parents are elderly and I have not been able to make them approve of me like my sister has” … even armed with the knowledge here I struggle not to long for this idiot even whilst seeing how much better I am away from it all.
I also am starting to realise that I had things in common with my other ex mainly cos I felt like I should on some subconscious level – all makiing me think about my dad and my brother … not nice stuff but very helpful.
I think aphrogirl has underlined it with that last line though – fixing yourself is your own responsibility and yes with the right person working through your issues is wonderful (I am talking in theory, having made such bad choices). These people don’t have the courage, too.
@ aphrogirl – I realized he was my mom come back to haunt me, And I was him Mom, he was always seeking praise and approval from me’
Yes, for a lot of us we were replaying old family issues, my AC is still looking for a new Mom.
Day 3 after meeting him I was sitting in his garden watching him fixing something and an incredible feeling of having come home hit me – and I just knew he was ‘the one’. It was the little me, adoring my father all over again, and AC was a replica of my father in many,many ways.
Only problem is my Dad is uber EUM, and made both his wives incredibly unhappy – talk about a red flag!!!
Of course I didn’t know anything about all of this at the time. I prided myself on being able to deal with ‘difficult’ men and definitely had a ‘type’. Only now do I see that I should run a mile next time I come across ‘my type’
Great post and comments, thanks
@sadthing – has this happened yet? That you have met another of your type and run a mile?
It was a curious feeling for me, not a big ego/power trip, and not painful memories, and not huge danger signs. Just like … oh I dunno. Looking before you cross the road, seeing a speeding truck, making sure you are standing well back, seeing a blur of motion and then the way is clear again.
I am going to test myself in the next weeks. Have two first and blind dates lined up. One with a free spirit (=probably EUM ), higly succesfull, replica of my dad, felt hugely attracted just by seeing his picture. Absolutely my type, I can spot them from miles.
Second first date is with what seems to be a very decent guy who feels a lot less like familiar territory to me and isn´t someone who I would normally go out with. Very curious about how this will go.
I am pretty sure the first guy and me will have an attraction. And it will be interesting to try and step back from that and look before I cross the road (nice Butterfly ;)).
Thanks for this very timely post and all your comments!
Nene – wow you hit the nail on the head with that one “snarky & aloof”. Mine was the sullen, seemingly unhappy (incredibly good looking) guy in the corner and from the time I met him I was constantly trying to make him laugh, cheer him up, make him happy -blah blah blah – so much so that I think my first thought of the day was – how can I make my AC happy today? Your line stung and made me think about my outlook on the world as well and how I need to work on that first and foremost and not worry about trying to change everyone else!
TJ – this is awesome too –“deceit, anger, bitterness, emotional retardation, fear, cowardice, pettiness, a lack of integrity, and the admitted inability to love any human being?” I think we were in a relationship with the same person.
Am I being bitter by thinking these things about him though? 🙁
Good article – good questions. I dont know if I’ve even thought of compatability … I mean, really thought about it. In my younger days it just seemed easier – guys just “Happened”.
Now dating is difficult. There are so many “things” to work around. Suddenly I have to be practical and smart instead of going with my heart. This is really a learning process for some of us older women. I’m not even sure where “type” and “interests” come in anymore. I’m too busy worrying how these guys will be with my kids – will they treat them well and respect them? Where does a mother start and a woman begin?
Jerks have a radar to undecided, unsure females too. Bleck. What a mess! Can you tell I’m depressed today?
Lol, um, yes NML… I am getting the feeling that this is familiar.
I, too, have a mental “type” – you know, almost Heathcliffe blah de blah. But, peculiarly enough, I look back and see that I’ve made the most “unHeathcliffe” of men into the type, if it broke his limbs and mine to do so.
How do you take a 5’7″ alcoholic and turn him into “tall, dark, handsome, devoted and intense”?. Lol, this is some imagination I’ve got here, I can tell you. And I’ve done it 4 times!!!
And how do you break your heart when you finally can’t stand them so much you chuck them out???
There’s a dream somewhere inside some of us and I’d love to know where the hell it came from. I think in my case it’s a lot to do with just not having identified my own values, ideals, wants and boundaries. Have I been living on Planet Zog for the past 50 years?
Funny thing is that it’s a long, long time since I wanted a “Heathcliffe” – what a vile way to have to live: me and him alone out on the moors never mixing or meeting, gathering heather and talking to each other only…arrrrgh. No thanks.
It’s time to say to myself, “Forget the “type”. Forget the EUs, Ns and ACs that have been. If I actually do want someone, I’d better start with pinpointing who I am. I can work on the rest after I’ve got that figured”.
Best Regards, Leonine
@ Butterfly, I don’t exactly meet many other men at all seeing as I am STILL unwilling to dump the AC altogether though I am slowly getting there I think.Meanwhile I have, thanks to this site mostly, identified other toxic people I know and am re evaluating their position in my life.
I would really like to meet a totally new AC to prove that they are now visible early on and need to be rejected. Or, as you put it, to step back and let them pass like an out of control truck. Doesn’t have to be a man necessarily, just anyone who fits the criteria, then I’ll know that my EU radar is in place for the future!
Well actually I’d rather never come across one again, but we know they’re still out there waiting for fresh supply. Yuk
NML I am totally with you on this one! I have always done a search whitin and I believe integrity love and similar values and interest are very important for a relationship to survive. I learned this after a few trials and errors.
I am so glad you writting about this!! Can’t wait to read all parts!
Love katty
I am almost 3 weeks into the break-up of a 3.5 year relationship. Yesterday and today have been boo-hoo days! Someone sent a link to this site and it’s a God-send. Gets my mind off of him and on the the reality of the complete incompatibility and bullsh*t of the relationship; a constant struggle for me. Whew! My boo-hoo’s are disappearing. Thank you!