Way back when, in the days when I used to date, there were three things that I talked about a lot, which in hindsight I look back on and recognise how I’d got things twisted.
I thought that a number of the Mr Unavailables and assclowns I dated were people I was compatible with – they ticked the boxes – good sense of humour, exciting, drama, ‘passion’, and blah, blah, blah. In fact, I often chose men for utterly ridiculous reasons that meant nothing in the grander scheme of things because they were no good for me or a relationship.
The people I claimed to be compatible with were incompatible with my happiness, sense of self, and self-esteem and we fundamentally would not have worked, no matter how long I tried to ram a square peg into a round hole, or morphed and adapted to suit their whims. My men and relationships were lacking in substance and I didn’t look for enough of the things of value and importance.
I had a type and whilst at the time I didn’t know it, my type was Mr Unavailables with the occasional bit of assclownary thrown in for good measure. I thought my ‘type’ was tall, exciting men who were sometimes a little quirky looking. They needed to fancy me and say they loved me, even if their behaviour ultimately indicated something different.
My type made me miserable though. My type derailed me and I didn’t like myself an awful lot around these people and did stupid things that only served to further detract from me. My type was toxic.
I thought that I had a lot in common with the guys I was involved with, but most of them bored the crap out of me if I’m completely honest. Liking to go out, have a few drinks, sharing the same books, movie, TV and musical tastes, travelling, or whatever the interest was that I convinced myself was the commonality. In fact, often, their interests became my interests. My interests…were often forgotten…
Truth be told, while we had some surface interests, we didn’t share the common interests of the relationship and each others wellbeing, and more importantly, there were no shared values, and in fact, values didn’t really enter into the relationship making it fundamentally flawed. There were no boundaries, and there was too much illusion, and ultimately, the fact that we both liked Thai food, listening to R&B music, and reading about globalisation, didn’t do our relationship any good.
One of the things you learn very quickly when you decide to kick the bucket on your past relationship habits, is that a lot of the things that you thought mattered really don’t.
One of the things you eventually recognise when you think you’ve got it sussed but find yourself bemoaning the type of men you meet, is that you’re still catering to old whims, patterns, and fears when you bind yourself on compatibility, type, and common interests as if you’re ticking boxes on a Match.com profile.
I’m compatible with someone who loves, respects, trusts, and cares about me, that has values, shares my values, and isn’t trying to fight being a decent person in a decent relationship. It’s more of a turn-on to be around someone with integrity that’s emotionally connected and is truly getting to know me for me and there’s no illusion. I’m compatible with someone who I can lean on emotionally and them me, and I like not living in fear or catering to my fears. I don’t have to (or want to) pretend anymore which means I can get on with being me, enjoying my life, and being happy now.
More importantly, I’m not compatible with bullsh*t and to be honest, that’s what all of my poor relationships were.
Over the next few posts (5 parts), I want to discuss ‘compatibility‘ and how we’ve often claimed to be compatible with people who have no boundaries and who we’ve been involved in a poor relationship with. I also want to discuss type and how having a ‘type’, particularly when so far, your ‘type’ hasn’t done you any good, is just another example of Relationship Insanity – going after the same ‘types’ of people and expecting a different result. I’m also going to revisit this common interests malarky that a lot of us use as a reason to cling to our ideas, illusions, men and poor relationships.
Remember, if you’ve been involved in poor relationships, if you’re getting a ‘feeling’ that’s ‘familiar’, I’d be nervous.
Oh…and often, that excitement that we think we’re feeling is actually the sensation of someone catering to our fears…
Your thoughts? Do you have ideas about what ‘compatibility’ means? Are you looking for a type or do you think you have common interests?
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