I get a lot of emails from readers and a common theme running through them is choosing a man for sometimes obscure reasons and taking a judgement that he is great relationship material based on this, and then ignoring clear red flag behaviour because their mind is set on their perception of him. Now I’m not saying that some of the things listed below are not good characteristics in a guy, but in the hands of a woman with low self-esteem and a reluctance to use her judgement skills, some of this stuff is just plain madness! In part one, I look at the first 5 most common reasons…
1. He’s married/has a girlfriend
You deduce: The fact that he’s married (or even divorced) or that he has a girlfriend shows that he is capable of commitment, hence he is a great candidate for a relationship because he’s not afraid of them. It’s just ‘her’ that’s the problem.
The reality: Assclowns get married and have girlfriends too! He is the problem. If a man is having an affair with you, I don’t care if he’s been married for a gazillion years, he is being dishonest and he is not behaving in a committed manner. Yes it shows that he can have a girlfriend/get married but you have to look at the bigger picture and recognise that being in a relationship doesn’t curtail his wandering eye.
2. He’s really good at his job.
You deduce: He’s really good at his job, which shows a dedication and commands respect, which seems to appeal to you. If he’s been there for a long time, you believe that he’s responsible.
The reality: The fact that someone is good at their job means… they’re good at their job. That’s it! If he’s worked at the place for a long time, it may be because the company or the job is the best thing since sliced bread, it may be that he doesn’t like change, and if it’s exactly the same job for a long time, it may show underachievement. Mr Unavailables are often very good at their jobs because they focus their energy there, blaming it as a reason for their lack of commitment and drive for the relationship, or using it to wow Fallback Girls in the workplace into having a secret office liaison. Anybody can be good at their job if they want to, but it’s not an indicator of them being suitable relationship material. Obviously if you want to interview them for a job….
3. He has a lot of friends/everybody respects him
You deduce: He’s liked by everyone and respected by his peers, the town, the village, so that must make him really great relationship material because he’s been validated by others. If you have low self-esteem, you can bask in the radiant glow generated by him.
The reality: If one more woman tells me something about everyone at the school/zoo/shop liking him, I may weep! Who cares? Men who don’t spend time with their girlfriends or on their relationships, often do charm the crap out of people. Mr Unavailables are consumate performers and charmers, when it suits. If you went out with him tonight, he may well treat you like the best thing since sliced bread because his ego needs the people who see you to perceive him as Mr Wonderful. The fact that he’s liked and respected, only matters if that is reflected in your relationship.
4. He’s really well educated
You deduce: He’s got a strong educational background so he must be schooled in relationships. Or, you really admire and respect him because your father was well educated and an overachiever, or you desire him because your own father wasn’t well educated.
The reality: I like well educated guys but it doesn’t mean a damn thing if he mistreats you– it might just mean he’s cleverer about it! Again this is a characteristic that means nothing if it’s not in the context of other great things. I’m not telling you to go for a dumb guy; I’m saying don’t isolate one thing and overlook many other more problematic issues.
5. He goes to church/very religious
You deduce: He’s a churchgoer/very religious so he must have high morals, be ready to get married, and keen to treat you well. He’s a gooooood man.
The reality: I’m not knocking people that go to church but the fact that a man goes to church shows…that he goes to church. Do you have any idea how many wife beaters go to church each Sunday? Thieves? Serial Killers? Being religious and going to church is a possible indicator of strong moral fibre and a good person but again, if he doesn’t treat you in a manner that reflects this, it means zip.
Check out part 2
What can you learn from this?
Don’t take one characteristic that you value highly and dine off it in isolation. Look at the bigger picture. Does his behaviour and how he treats you match your perception of him?
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Ah, the “good on paper” phenomenon. If it’s not good in person, then it’s not good. Period. Amen to you, NML!
Regarding #5. The first man I was involved with post divorce had a girlfriend and posed as a very relgious man. (He was offened when others took the lord name in vain) It was a work affair, and highly sexually charged. However after he married, moved and changed jobs, I overheard from cooworkers that he had suduced at least 3 other woman in my office, two while he was married.
The first reason is a solid one. The next four – NML has issues, major ones. Unless a job is one like that of NML, it takes effort and some character to perform well at a job. No many people, men and women are not good at judging if someone is really very good at a job or just appearing to be good at the job. Even job supervisors have this problem. Just live with the fact that most people at bad at judging someone’s efforts and skills at work. For a man, being able to do his job really well gives a special spiritual drive which lends positivity and energy to the rest of his life.
The first 4 are ones I’ve been guilty of doing – thinking if a man had them, he was a good potential mate.
But you brought up excellent points, and they are TRUE !
I’ll be far more aware/clear from now on – it’s how he treat me that is all important – the rest doesn’t count UNLESS he’s being a wonderful man TO ME, and then they are just gravy – not indicators of suitability by themselves.
Not right on, I really don’t get what you are saying….? I think you missed the point of the article, and what NML is trying to convey. What I got from #2 was that just because a man is “good at his job”, has been there for a long time, and is successful at his job, that doesn’t necessarily translate into his being good relationship potential. Which I totally agree with. Not sure what you meant by “special spiritual drive”…? You lost me there.
FinallyOverIt , If I read Not Right correctly, he thinks that being good at work is a strong plus. And it is. NML isn’t saying these are red flags – just that they aren’t *sufficient* to make a good choice.
As for #5, the religious thing. What this often means is that some religious people substitute religious teachings for living a consciously moral life. They use the list of do’s and don’ts, and sometimes overlook the needs of others, compassion, mercy, and true communication. It can be simpler to spout dogma (teachings) than work to understand a mate or child. There is a recognized social niche of troubled teens, called PK’s. Preacher’s kids. Some pastors and other religious folk focus so much on teachings and assuming they are morally right and will damage their faith by thinking of anything else – that their families can suffer from lack of a compassionate, family-oriented male adult to over-rule this religiously correct tyrant. Sometimes.
Usually people that are active in their congregations are disciplined, and understand good behavior. And, of course, that they understand that congregation’s teachings.
And that goes for all five (5) of the characteristics on the list. Each might mean very good things – respected and respectful, honest, disciplined. None says anything about emotional ties other than courtesy. And certainly, none of the reasons listed imply that the guy is at a place in his life that he would consider taking on the obligations and responsibilities of a relationship.
Even if he is flirting. Maytbe especially if he/she is flirting. Flirting expresses desire for a sex fling – not a relationship. You woo an “Other Woman” or a plaything by flirting. You win a mate with communication, with respect, and magic – not sex.
Ah yes…good on paper syndrome as Honey said.
We have all fallen victim to this, every single one of us.
How many times have you been loathe to bring up an issue or break it off with someone due solely to the fact that ‘your parent’s like him’ or whoever.
Even been told ‘oh you should go easy on him, you aren’t a treat either’…
only because ‘he’ seemed soooo perfect and would take care of you, what every parent wants, right? well, don’t let other’s judgment EVER guide your life.
People who care only want to see you happy, even if it is with a never married, part time bus driver. Who likes to read, but only graduated high school. And he flirts, but always goes home with you.
If he treats you well, and vice versa, (it’s a two way street right) don’t worry so much about appearances and a checklist. Go with your gut, and look in places you wouldn’t normally, you never know…that cute bus driver might be the best thing that ever happened to you. And vice versa.
Honey – Exactly! Good on paper…and that’s about it!
NySharon – And bingo! There you have it! That is a prime example of these seemingly great characteristics meaning absolutely nothing in the grander scheme of things.
Not Right – I’m going to let the fact slide that you basically said that it takes no effort to do my job… but next time you come on my blog and comment, read the post and steer clear of personal insults. Got it? Good.
For a start, you have either not read the post or missed the point entirely. I don’t doubt that it takes effort to do your job but this is not a careers website – it’s a relationship one. What I’m basically saying is:
Good, great, amazing at job – treats you like sh*t – doesn’t take away from the fact that he’s great at his job but it adds nothing to his behaviour in the relationship with you.
For YOU it gives spiritual drive and that’s wonderful but there are, for example, extremely professionally successful men…that cheat or abuse. This isn’t a post about judging someones efforts and skills at work. This is about going with one notion, isolating it as a reason to stay invested, and then not looking at other overriding characteristics and red flags that are far more important to the relationship.
I’m failing to see the ‘spiritual drive’ there and I’m *still* failing to see your point.
Finally Over It – Amen! I’m glad you see it in the way it was intended!
Brad K – Wow! Great comment. Your PK part really highlights what being dogmatically focused on one thing to the detriment of others can do to your relationships. And ‘sufficient’ is the key word – many women can use any of these reasons as an overriding factor.
Cheekie – That used to happen to me all the time! I’d end up second guessing myself and ignoring my instincts! Many a guy lasted longer than he should of because i listened to people who projected their idea of things or their insecurity. They imagine what it would be like to walk away from someone and it scares the crap out of them so they scare the crap out of you!
I like the one about a well-educated man who treats you bad just being more clever about it. That’s happened to me. They can get in there, twist the knife and make you wonder what happened and why you feel like crap really well, really cleverly.
I have been reading this web site for almost 2 years and i am not any better about my feelings for this one man than i was before. not saying this web site is bad. yes i do agree with a lot of which is discussed by other women. the bottom line i feel is you know what is right and wrong. the hard part is just accepting the fact that the relationship is over and never was and wil be what you want . love is something hard to find and harder to keep