In part one we looked at the first five reasons why women choose men (and why they shouldn’t), including being married and really good at their jobs. Now, on to the last five.
6. He’s a great lover/there’s a lot of sexual tension
You deduce: We have an amazing sexual connection which means we must have a connection,which means he must be something really special. If he’s a great lover and gives you more orgasms than you’ve ever had before, you may think that you’re soulmates.
The reality: Sexual tension can be created between two people for a whole variety of a reasons and while it’s nice and adds to the excitement, if you let this be a determining factor in your reason for believing that you’re suited to each other as relationship partners, you are on a one-way track to Doomsville. The sad reality is that sexual tension is often created with ambiguous men that blow hot and cold, and who basically tease you. It’s the promise of ‘more’ to come.
As for selecting a partner because he’s a great lay? You stick with this reason and you are at the mercy of any man that knows how to work his magic stick but doesn’t necessarily have any substance to him. Remember this: you’re not going out with his penis, you can’t marry it, and they don’t do very much when they are limp…
Basically, you should never use sex as an overriding reason to choose or stay with someone. Anyone can screw you well or create a sexual frisson, but can they actually stay the course (excuse the pun) and deliver a relationship? Sex must be part of the relationship equation, not an isolated? number.
7. He’s financially well-off/good with money
You deduce: Ooh, he must be really intelligent and he’ll be a great provider and give me security.
The reality: Choosing someone based on financial criteria or letting it dictate the type of man you go out with, is dangerous territory. I don’t deny that it is good, great even, to be financially secure, and it’s even better for someone to be financially responsible. If someone is well off, depending on how they got their money, it could be an indicator of success and achievement. Great!
But again…what does the fact that you’re going out with ‘ole Moneybags or the fact that he’s financially responsible mean, if those characteristics don’t positively alter his behaviour within the relationship? You can’t say “I know he treats me like sh*t and he never calls, but at least he knows how to balance a checkbook and we’re financially secure”!
8. He’s kind to animals/kids
You deduce: He’d be a great family man. If he’s kind to animals and kids, he’ll be kind to me.
The reality: Some people can treat mini individuals and animals much better because neither have a relationship expectation of them. Kids that don’t belong to you, you can enjoy them for the moment and send them back home. I have had several readers tell me that their guy could shower their love on an animal but clam up around them. Does the fact that he says “I love you doggy woggy” and him buying the premium dog food, mean that he’ll expend the same emotion or energy on you? Nope!
8. His friends say that he’s great
You deduce: Well he’s been validated by other people so if they say he’s great, he must be great. Maybe, it’s me that is the problem.
The reality: There is a big difference between knowing someone as a friend and knowing them as a partner in a relationship. None of us know what goes on behind closed doors. How many times have we been shocked when a couple that seem perfect break up and we hear the horrible stories?
If his friends say he’s great and he really is great, then this is wonderful.
If his friends say he’s great but you know otherwise, it would be foolhardy to ignore your judgement and start second guessing or even blaming yourself for the fact that he’s not so wonderful with you. In situations like this, this is when the woman starts trying harder to be what she thinks he wants because she believes that it must be something to do with her.
9. He’s really close with his parents
You deduce: Oh he must be emotionally healthy, steady, looking for a long-term relationship. He’s a family man!
The reality: If I had a pound for every man that hid behind the excuse of his close relationship with his parents, I could buy myself a very nice house. Having close family ties is a wonderful characteristic but it doesn’t mean jack if he closes you out of his life and keeps you at a distance because of it. Some guys are overt mummy’s boys, and depending on what level of the richter scale this is, this can be a sign of trouble.
If your relationship or his treatment of you has to suffer so that he can be close with his parents, you can’t keep saying how great he is just because he hangs with mummy and daddy!
10. He has a good sense of humour
You deduce: It’s good to find a guy with a ‘great personality’ and ‘GSOH’ because I love a man that makes me laugh.
The reality: I love a good sense of humour and the boyf sometimes makes me laugh until I cry, but he’s no assclown. When the good times are good and he’s making you laugh, that’s wonderful, but if the good times are fleeting and you spend a lot of time being upset and crying, what is the point in remembering that he makes you laugh?
The fact that someone is funny is wonderful but some of the biggest assclowns can be very, very funny, but it doesn’t make them relationship material.
The main thing that you can learn from all of these reasons and any other that you use as a basis to choose and stay with men is that, you need to open your eyes and be mindful of your blind spots.
Most of these characteristics are great when you’re around a decent person but are of absolutely no use to you if the guy you are with, is treating you poorly and not able to commit to a relationship.
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This is all SO true !
Number 6 has been the ruin of me – that promise of more that somehow never materializes – or may not mean jack except for the occasional hour or fun !!!
Theses are ALL important – as were the first five resons you posted yesterday.
Thank you for making me rethink my priorities about what kind of man I am looking for. I was so focused on doesn’t take drugs/drink excessively/gamble/smoke – and having chemistry – and people thinking well of him and having a steady job – that only at the very very bottom of the list was HE TREATS ME WELL.
And that is the one that should be at the top.
Then I can decide about the rest when the whole picture unfolds.
Thank you again, NML – you are AWESOMELY SMART AND HELPFUL HERE.
This blog has done in two months for me what 15 years of on-and-off therapy , and several dozen self-help books hasn’t been able to.
Let me add – the great sense of humor, and having pets/houseplants and a college education always seemed like pluses to me too.
I had it all backwards. Because the men I’d fall in love with every 5 years HAD all of that – but they also had wives or girlfriends, treated me like crap, and didn’t place a value at all on what I had to offer as a woman, person, friend, lover, etc.
So my responsibility was being a fallback woman – and blind to what I was doing, and playing victim. When the truth is coming out that I got exactly what I asked for because I was asking for the wrong things, had zero ethics about how wrong it was to like someone who was taken (no matter what excuses or lies the guy told me), and I had low self-esteem and self-destructive beahvior to boot.
Now I’m going to be open to : AVAILABLE, TREATS ME WELL AND VALUES THE THINGS I VALUE.
Those will come first.
Please let there be another chance for me, and let me do it right. Let it not be too late at 50 to be found and loved by someone who ISN’T an E.U.M. wolf in sheep’s clothing. Let me be smart about it all, and not take crap and see it for what it is – but still be able to be open and warm and trusting.
Let me make the correct deductions about a man from here on out. No more making the wrong deductions.
OH so true I can vouch for the above reasons not being enough to make a strong realtionship. My EUM was a comedian and a successful one so he was finacially very secure, he also was seeemingly close to his mum his friends said he was great and the sex was great but it all added up to one major ASSCLOWN !!!! And I admit to getting burned… so I agree with annie it comes back to does he treat me well and am I happy with his treatment of me and if not the above means squat and to bail.
#6 and #8 for me.
But #8 REALLY threw me off: my ex has a daughter from his first marriage and he is open, present, loving, and totally available to her. (When he has custody, something like 4-8 days/month.) I fell in love with THAT. But it turns out he is none of those things – open, present, loving, available – with anyone else, notably ME.
I finally figured out that it was because there is no ‘reciprocal relationship expectation’ with her. His kid is going to love him always and forever, no matter what. There’s no risk to him to love her. But to open himself up to a woman in an intimate romantic relationship? I’m not sure he’s capable of it – he certainly wasn’t with his ex-wife. Too scary/he’s been too hurt/he’s emotionally shut down.
I really wish I hadn’t gotten sucked to a year plus relationship in by seeing him with his daughter. 🙁
About #8 – “Kind to kids and animals.” I prefer to look at whether the person is *good* with kids and animals. That is, he is disciplined and under control when interacting. They respect and obey him, without fear. They perform or behave with acceptable behavior. There are aspects here of making ones’self understood and understanding those we interact with – even children or animals. Leadership implies that the kids and animals will be *better* because one interacted with them.
This is also a characteristic of a good partner – that you are better, more capable, and happier because you are with your partner. If not – start looking to see why not. This is also a characteristic of a good boss – a good bosses’ people will get the work done, will each win promotions, gain respect and skill, and generally grow as they desire.
“Good with Kids and animal” is a very loaded statement.