A couple of days ago, I wrote about Fallback Girl Sienna Miller and showed some samples of Fallback Girl patterns that have culminated in the recent furore surrounding her supposed relationship with a married man. In the post I referred to a previous post I had written about overestimating yourself and how as a result of the perceived scary consequences of change, we often overvalue the wrong things, and undervalue the very things that are important. In my post about Sienna Miller, I said “Sienna likes men with unfinished business, high drama, serious IT factor, and she may believe a little too much in her own hype“.
In response to this, Astelle asked “NML, how would I know if I am overestimating my worth on superficial things? I may not be aware of it, how can I tell?”
In the original post about overestimating yourself, I said:
“It’s not that I want you to say ‘I’m ugly, I’m kinda funny, fairly educated, ok-ish job, house needs a bit of work and I’m a total bitch when I get my period…’ but… what you need to realise is that it is one thing to overestimate how great you are in terms of superficial qualities but it is another to overestimate how valuable you are to a relationship that hasn’t even got up off the ground, nevermind out the gate!
What’s even scarier though is that somehow, as women, we often manage to overestimate our superficial value but underestimate our overall value as a person who is an entity of importance.”
Even though many women have low self-esteem, it doesn’t stop us from believing that we bring a lot to the table in the relationship…often because we are in a poor quality relationship with a dubious man.
Signs you’re overestimating your value
The things that you value about him are superficial or are of very little real value to the relationship.
You don’t think that you have any issues; it’s just the bad luck of the draw with the sh*tty dating pool.
If something goes wrong with a date or a relationship, the first thing you assume is that they can’t handle something about you.
You believe that you are the only woman that can love him, you’re the only one that gets him, and that you’re the right woman for him…in spite of the fact that the relationship is seriously floundering. Think your typical relationship with Mr Unavailable.
You’re conflicted. You rate some things (like superficial stuff or achievements) highly, but you actually don’t love or even like yourself, yet at the same time, you still think that the love you have to give is the best love.
We think that we have a certain quality but it actually comes across differently to dates. I have come across many women who say ‘He can’t handle the fact that I’m educated with money and assertive’ but in actual fact, it wasn’t the fact that she was educated or a high roller, but the fact that she put those as the focus of her ‘personality’ and often came across aggressive and even paranoid. It’s a bit like, I thought I was being witty and funny on some dates but actually, in hindsight, I may have seemed more sarcastic, rude, and maybe even a touch arrogant…
These are the most obvious signs. If you have bad relationship habits and are unhappy with yourself, yet you believe that you have amazing love to give, you really are overestimating yourself.
If you don’t love you, you choose men that reflect the negative things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships. If you don’t love you, how do you expect to find happiness? How do you expect to love and be loved? What gives us the right to decide that we are the perfect person for someone who can barely even see past his own nose?
Because ultimately, if you find balance in your life, like, love yourself, and have a life that reflects the more positive you, that’s not overestimating – that’s just living.
Sit down, write down 10 things about yourself. Don’t hesitate, just do it. Now, write down 10, or even 5 reasons why you were in a relationship with your ex partner. Are there qualities, characteristics of real value in there? Are there values there? Can you say positive things about yourself? Can you say positive things about your ex that don’t revolve around (looks great, made me feel amazing sometimes, or anything linked to betting on potential rather than seeing him for what he is)? Have you ever decided someone was The One, but he wasn’t on board and he never actually got on board with it but you still kept waiting, hoping, and pursuing?
At the end of the day, I’m all for looking good, having great things, feeling accomplished, but like and love yourself whilst you’re at it so that you don’t end up thinking that they are the only things that make up your value.