Last week, I finally committed to a wedding dress…for the second time. With just over three months to go, everyone from the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker (not really) had something to say about my lack of dress. It was only as I was about to ‘make the leap’ that I recognised the stark similarities between my finding the ‘right’ dress and the search for the ‘right’ relationship.
So many people told me that when you find ‘the dress’, you just ‘know’. I’m sure this happens for some people, but in truth I built up this idea that I’d be swept off my feet so I ended up being in search of a ‘feeling’. As any of you know that have pursued this ‘feeling’ in relationships, this can send you down some blind alley’s or leave you wondering if you should feel ‘more’.
I could give a long list of what I didn’t want, but wasn’t quite so hot on articulating what I did want. With normal clothing, I have distinctive style values – this wasn’t the case with ‘the dress’. I assumed they’d become clearer during the search and ending up being confused, overwhelmed, and sidetracked. It’s not about having a master list of relationship criteria that’s longer than a grocery receipt for a family of six; it’s about having a clear view of the bigger picture and your core values.
I had some very strong preconceived ideas about what would suit me. In the end, I’ve ended up with something totally different to what I would have expected me to go for but it’s totally me. I was also way off track on some of my ideas, which brings me neatly to..
As I’m an Anthropologie addict, I started this whole process convinced that I was going to go for a Bhldn dress, and so when I started looking for dresses here, these dresses that I hadn’t even seen in the flesh were always in the back of mind. This ended up being like an ex hovering or that person you fancy that’s been lingering in the back of your mind even though nothing’s happened between you.
Some of the stores/designers kept telling me to go with the flow, to keep an open mind or convince me into dresses that I liked, but I didn’t love. It’s true that I did need to be a little more open-minded but that’s very different to taking on their mind or values. There was too much ‘noise’ and some of them meant “Go with the flow to the cash register…” This of course can happen in relationships and the truth is, no good will come of going along with someone else’s terms when you don’t really know them very well and it ticks their boxes, while leaving you ‘hungry’.
I admit that I brought the dress thinking “I’m not keen on the straps but I could get them taken off”. On a few of my mental visions, I had a niggling thought that it might be princessy (not my thing at all) but I shrugged it off. This reminds me of ‘fixing’ in dating and overriding concerns. Turns out it was princessy.
I was really convinced of my ‘chemistry’ with some of the Bhldn dresses plus it turns out that looking at the frickin’ dresses a gazillion times (mild exaggeration) and thinking about them had me building sandcastles in the sky. In truth, after finally ordering a dress and it arriving and me being hit with some whacking import charges (failed to do proper ‘discovery’ there in my excitement…), beautiful as the dress was, it was much bigger in volume than it appeared (snort). It’s a bit like ripping one another’s clothes off and pouncing on one another and the ‘chemistry’ falling flat.
I ended up thinking “How the frick can I be standing here in a dress after busting my proverbial balls and thinking about it so much, only to feel underwhelmed? Why doesn’t it look and feel like I thought it would?”
In dating and relationships, what I often see is people in this same situation who then go on a crusade to make their ‘investment’ pay and meet the forecasted potential. I wasn’t about to convince myself into something that just wasn’t right, no more than I would convince myself or someone else into a relationship that didn’t feel good.
Online dating is similar – don’t spend too much time oggling the photos and building sandcastles in the sky over text, sexts, email etc. Meet them pronto otherwise you’ll have unrealistic expectations and false perceptions.
Initially, I was resistant to deviating from my ideas, which is like resisting deviating from ‘type’ even though your type isn’t working for you or it doesn’t even exist. Not only did I need to be more open minded, but I needed to prioritise so that I didn’t end up compromising myself for what may be completely unimportant ‘wants’ in the bigger picture.
I actually had ‘chemistry’ with a few dresses but that still didn’t make them the dress for me – nuff said.
A couple of people told me I was being “too fussy” and that I should give various gowns another chance – this is pretty much how I ended up dating most of my exes!
After arranging to send back the first dress, I half-heartedly went to a wedding show last Friday to check out decor ideas because I couldn’t imagine that I would find my dress at something like this. After checking out the first aisle of stands, I turned onto the second and then caught sight of a vintage wedding dress stand out of the corner of my eye. Within moments I spotted the dress, which was very similar to another dress I’d tried on but had balked at the eye watering price. It looked stunning on and even though it’s not showing booby area as I imagined my dress might, it doesn’t matter – it looks and feels just as I’d like it to.
Shortly after, I met up with the boyf and we actually had a great time at the show, which ironically is a bit like when we both went to that charity event where we ‘noticed’ one another – we’d both gone under duress of our respective friends and ended up having great evenings.
I had to make a decision before leaving the show (I’d nabbed the sample) and I went and told the designer that I wanted it and after feeling relieved, I then started to panic. What if I was being too hasty? What if there was an even better dress? What if I got it and then it turned out I’d made a big mistake? I ended up going home and ruminating.
Talking to the best man a few hours later (he’s a stylist), I said out loud something that had been niggling at me: “I think I have commitment issues! With my dress I mean!” In his typical sarcastic fashion, he said “Uh…yeah!” At that moment, I realised I needed to get my act together and within the hour, I’d arranged to buy the dress. Once I made the decision and got behind it, I haven’t looked back.
Commitment is a conscious decision and a choice reflected in action. You’ve got to make a decision to choose and keep choosing day after day after day.
If I chose a dress and then spent my time wondering whether I could do better or looking around at other dresses, I’d have undermined my commitment. It’s the same for the person who commits to the relationship and then panics about what’s involved and puts more energy into second guessing their decision than they do into living their decision.
Your thoughts?
PS I haven’t linked to the dress so you’ll just have to wait!
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
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Congrats on the wedding! I dont know if the link is your dress, but all the pictures are really beautiful.
“A couple of people told me I was being “too fussy” and that I should give various gowns another chance – this is pretty much how I ended up dating most of my exes!” snort – LOL
Congratulations Nat – so excited for you – gives me hope!! Thanks for getting my curiousity and excitement up about the dress – when do we get to see it???? Stinker!!
“Commitment is a conscious decision and a choice reflected in action. You’ve got to make a decision to choose and keep choosing day after day after day” Couldn’t have said it better myself!! It’s a choice and an action – NOT a feeling!!
You crack me up! Love the dress analogy. Yes we do tend to think, re-think and overthink our decisions whatever they may be. When I was looking for “the Dress” after finding “the One” – I looked at a few which were quickly dismissed (flush) as they did not appease me – fit my standard – didn’t align with my primary beliefs (ha!). I too went Vintage and feel head over heels in love – did it reflect me and my love of the style – oh yes – was it the most beautiful thing EVER oh yes – I found the Dress! At a thrift shop for $70 – fit perfect no alterations necessary. Ya never know where you will find it – but if you trust yourself and do not settle for what will do instead of what you want – you are liable to find it. Whatever that “it” might be…
LOL this reminds me of my experience shopping for a Senior Ball dress back in high school. I had the exact idea in my head of what I wanted, but I never found it so I was stuck wearing the one my mother wanted me to wear. I had a good time at the dance, but the night just didn’t feel complete because I didn’t have the “perfect dress”, and I stayed focused on that very thought throughout the entire night. I look at those pictures now and realize that I looked pretty damn good in that dress.
I just wish I hadn’t been so stubborn back then, I might have enjoyed myself a little more otherwise. Sometimes you might think that you’re settling when you’re really just replacing unattainable standards with realistic ones. Interesting post…
PS-I hope you weren’t too hard on yourself about choosing your dress, I think we’ve all been conditioned to believe that we’re supposed to feel like the heavens have opened up when we find the perfect dress…
Lia….for me it was the hairdo my mom wanted me to have for my senior prom. I wanted it down/she wanted it up, she won she was paying. I too didn’t have the best time, all I could think of was my hair.
Nat, make sure you posts tons of pics of your big day. Can’t wait to see your guy and the girls. Much love.
Congratulations on finding “the dress”.
Great article-my lesson from it-never settle-regardless of what it is!
My next relationship will be much different-I won’t settle for anything else than what I want and deserve. And we all deserve the best that life has to offer!
Congratulations to Nat! I think it is a very accurate comparison and l was thinking my time, when l had (bad) shopping habits, that ended up in disaster (l bought them, never wore them) and when l realized that it is the wrong way, l decided to go on *shopping* diet. Not buying anything l can´t wear straight away, thinking *when l loose 5 pounds, l look fab in it,* or at least wait couple of days, before making desicion, wether to buy it or not.
It´s the same with relationships, and yes, l think this comparison is perfectly put. It is funny, how we sometimes desire the most unsuitable, thinking that the one that is suitable, isn´t as good…
Natalie,
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I guess the link is to a pic of your wedding dress. It’s pretty and classic. You are such a good role model for women, and I am so glad that you’ve had the courage and willingness to share your experiences and advice with others. You have helped thousands of people. I wish you continued success and blessings.
co sign !! 🙂 congrats Nat for your upcoming wedding. thank you for all the insight you have given me to the reason for my own dating foibles. hugs.
Thanks Nat! I really needed to read this post and I am so glad I am not alone on this as I am also getting married an trying to pick the right dress. I can totally relate to your situation. Even when I first met my now fiance I used to wonder: “should I really give this guy a chance or keep looking?”
And these thoughts running through my head had nothing to do with how he was doing as a boyfriend. He is the best boyfriend I ever had. He has become my best friend, my lover, my confidant, and now my fiance yet back when I was dating him I still didn’t know how to commit to the idea of actually keeping him for good. How crazy is that!
Fast forward a year and a half later when we were looking for rings. I was given the chance that some women don’t get, picking my own ring, yet I still couldn’t “commit” to a ring! until I made the conscious decision to pick one and just give up the searching. I am pretty sure there are so many women who go through the ” which ring should I pick?” stage when they get engage and probably is normal but for me it was a way of not keep looking around to see if I find a “better” ring.
Your aticle has definitely put in words the way I have felt in the past many time. This is a process for sure, but its so worth it. Detoxing from unavailable/ assclowns and getting used to the nice guy in our lives can take up some major adjustment . So thank you for clearing up my mind and letting me know I am not the only one who had gone through it.
Congratulations, Natalie!! So happy for you, and love your analogies. More than a few people have been telling me I’m too fussy (this month marks one year since my divorce) about dating again. Then again, I can’t meet someone if I’m not looking. 🙂
Mazel tov, and can’t wait to see the happy couple!
Good analogy with the dress – it was fun to read. My boyfriend’s best guy friend seems to flounder in finding a girlfriend because he’s looking for “that feeling” – and I mean from the get-go, like on the dance floor! LOL. I have certainly made that mistake. My last boyfriend and I had chemistry that was equivalent to doing any pleasure-centered recreational drug (and I don’t even do them, LOL)….trouble was, no substance. I actually prefer a more even and authentic feeling, more like lying in the warm sun rather than taking a drug which sends you through the ceiling then crashing back to earth. And you are right, you will never get everything in one package. One can drive themselves crazy continuing to look at what you aren’t getting rather than what you are. Definitely the most important thing is, does it line up with your values?
And by the way – a big congratulations to you!!!! 🙂
So funny that you wrote this post and compared it to finding “the guy”. I have been doing the same as of late whenever I go shopping for clothes. I try to throw away whatever dream clothes I have in my head, and look at what is out there. I look at it as realistically as possible. It might look AMAZING on the mannequin, but if it looks the sh**s on me…I don’t try to convince myself I can make it work. If my size isn’t there…it’s not the right fit…so FLUSH. If I go home with nothing because there was nothing available that looked right on my long lanky short waisted self, then I try not to take it personally. I don’t go home depressed (like I used to) saying “I have the weirdest body on earth”, I say, “I didn’t find anything that worked for me, but there’s always next time”. I figure if I keep going back to the mall…and other locations…I’ll eventually run into some clothes that suit me and make me feel great! Ditto with the fellas!!!!!
PS the reception dresses on that website are sooo cute. We don’t have dresses like that here in Newfoundland, Canada. Now I wanna get hitched!
Yes. I can relate. I recently bought a car and the thought of being ‘had’ or that I could have done better just kills me. Days after the purchase, someone gave me a much better offer on their car. I felt really bad afterwards. After a few minutes, I consoled myself that things are a lot like catching a train. I begin to understand the wisdom behind this analogy. Even though that someone had know that I was looking for a car- they didnt offer to sell when I was looking to buy one. But after I bought my car, they told me that they could have sold their car to me, less five hundred dollars. Kinda twisted so after consoling myself, I felt so much better about my purchase. Too bad they missed the boat. And I remember your article about ‘ONE SHOT’.
CONGRATS!!!!!
Natalie,
Please, please post us a picture of you in your wedding dress… unless that is too personal to share with us. Regardless, I know you will have a beautiful dress! I am so Happy For You, for your Husband-To-Be, and for your beautiful children. Love You Always!
Nat, you are going to be such a beautiful bride 🙂 . There is a reality series in the US (I hope they have it internationally – it’s SO awesome!!) Called “Say Yes To The Dress” where they have entire episodes devoted to brides with dress-commitment-phobia – with so many gorgeous options, I can see how it would be hard to choose just one (this is how many people approach dating, no?)! Congratulations!! Xoxo
I got totally addicted to Say Yes to the Dress — watched many seasons on Netflix compulsively over a weekend.
Ixnay, I’m glad it’s not just me haha! Atlanta is my favorite…when they say, “We’re going to jack her up to Jesus and see if she can make a decision.”, it makes my life. I also think anyone who thinks that their age/weight/past struggles/health issues bars them from finding love should be encouraged, nay FORCED, to watch this show. Love it 🙂
The analogy is perfect and I can’t wait to see the dress now. I really think you should give your faithful followers an early sneak peak 😉
I just recently purchased a townhome and moved in last week…it was definitely an eye-opener on my commitment issues. Even though I walked into the place and just knew it was the right place, I still found myself backtracking a bit and second-guessing myself when it came time for the physical inspection of the home. It was definitely an emotional reaction to the thought of commiting.
Luckily I was determined to see it through. I had peace about it so I accepted the fact that I was scared and simply shared the experience with trusted friends and family. They helped me through the transition so it’s been a very insightful experience. No bells and whistles…but still a good decision.
I’m truly grateful for this blog because it has propelled me forward in maturity and growth. I wish many blessings for you and your family.
“I just recently purchased a townhouse and moved in last week….it was definitely an eye opener on my commitment issues.” Thank you for sharing that Metsgirl. I thought it was only me who had this issue with property. For the last six months I’ve been looking for somewhere to buy and have found all manner of excuses for why an apartment is wrong for me. I’ve changed areas / style of property I’m looking for on numerous occasions. As soon as I see something I like – I find out it has an offer on…and then I desperately want it. Now I find I’m looking in a market where – there’s hardly anything on the market. Some aspects of my property search really have been like dating.
I know deep down that part of the resistance I’ve been experiencing is to do with the fact that – up until six months ago – I had thought I’d be moving in with the (now ex) EUM. So I have great fear around putting down roots again by myself. I also know I need to address some of my own commitment issues.
First of all, I love your ability to make connections between seemingly unrelated things and see how the lessons learned in one situation can be applied to the other. We must always keep our lessons learned in mind for everything, right?
Second, I am always undermining my committments!. I’ve noticed that I’ll do this to my son too.. “Are you sure you want that?”. That really slapped me upside the head and told me I needed to get with the program about my committment issues.
Great post. Congratulations on the wedding and I can’t wait to see the actual dress you chose. Much love to you.
I’ll share: my sister gave us six months between the announcement of the wedding and the date, in Italy. I had to find funds for a return ticket to Pisa and a dress/shoes/etc on a student budget, so I was not enjoying the idea of having to spend real money to get a decent dress.
I looked for a bit and found something pretty quickly at BCBG – a nice emerald green gown, but with taxes and everything it would cost $400 (yes, it’s way on sale NOW). My budget was $200. I kept looking. But the fit of the dress was so good – surprising that I found something right so quickly, but it happens; nothing else I could find was that good. I felt the familiar feeling of leaning towards overextending myself to get what I wanted. In the end I had to do some major finagling, but I watched the US site like a hawk, waited til it was on sale in the US, had an American cousin buy it and sent it to a mailbox at the border. For just over $200.
My little lesson: if it’s right for you, it’s going to work the way you need it to, even if it takes a little ingenuity and persistence. It was the right dress, not the right price, and I stuck to my values by saying yes, I want you, dress, but not at that cost. This is what I give, this is how much I bend, and I’m willing to come this far to meet you. Will you still be mine?
I wore the dress, was super comfy and looked great, and smiled at myself every time I thought about the great deal I worked hard to make happen. And you can bet that after I got what I wanted, I wasn’t looking at any other dresses!
(I don’t know if that actually supports Nat’s argument, as I was kind of pig-headed about the dress once I realized it was a great fit …:)) And btw … I’m excited for you, Natalie! I’m hoping for a wedding day pic of you posted here some day soon!
Loved this post Natalie. I just knew selecting a wedding dress was going to bring up stuff, having done it myself three times. I love how you related the wedding dress to relationships. So much of what you write about corresponds to many areas of my life, personal relationships, work relationships, and picking out clothes. Just like you say, in clothes shopping (which I hate), I always have a vision in my mind of what I want but it never seems to be there. Pretty symbolic when it comes to relationships! They never seem to be there either!
By the third wedding dress, I figured out that I was going to wear what I wanted. I bought a beautiful, slinky black strapless dress that is stunning. And on sale for around 100 bucks. I’ve worn the dress many times since.
I’m so happy for you. I hope you get to wear “the dress” over and over.
Here’s the thing…you are stunning no matter what you are wearing! But I’m glad you found it.
Such a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing your intimate moments with us.
Thank you so much for this post! I’ve been an avid reader for years now, and have come through all the stages of unavailable, bad relationships, being with myself and finally loving myself. Thanks in part to all your wonderful experience and BR, I found “the one” and have a wonderful loving relationship. I also found “the dress” and had such similar feelings, but was so happy, that what I thought I didn’t want (strapless) wound up being the “right one” and that I didn’t have to fret or ruminate on the “other” far off possibly not existant, fantasy one, and sit wishing ( sooo old me lol) I took 24 hours to feel in to it and then it clicked. I am so pleased. So excited with my dear beautiful, sweet dress, that I get to wear on my wedding day to my almost-husband 🙂 sooo true, nothing is what I thought it was going to look like and I couldn’t be a happier clam 🙂 thx Natalie!
Natalie!
Your story rings particularly true as I just made some commitments on my dress as well – it’s with the dressmaker right now.
And – the dress I wanted for YEARS, that I *swore* I would wear if I ever got married is nowhere NEAR the dress I am wearing. And the one I got is perfect – and came to me after I, get this, LET GO and let it be. It just serendipitously came right to me.
Hmm…just like I met my fiance, come to think of it.
🙂
Natalie, congratulations, so happy for you!!! What a brilliant article, another eye opener:-) I wish I could turn clock back and stay with guys, who were truly nice, but in my younger years I always looked for passion and chemistry and a “my type” (bad guys)…Time to change mentality and stop chasing “danger”! All the best xx
Perfect. So very perfect. Once we let go of the picture in our head, and embrace what is right for us, right in front of us….it can be everything that we want & need. Chemistry comes and goes depending on the occasion…but a classically good “dress”, is absolutely priceless!
Congratulations Natalie!!! By the way, your dress sounds gorgeous! I love the vintage wedding dresses- the quality of the fabric and the detailing is always incredible. I also prefer them because they often have sleeves and prettier necklines than most modern dresses. I don’t like the modern ones in plastic-y white fabric with no straps- makes most women look like they have rugby player shoulders since most women in the UK don’t have good posture in my opinion. Yesterday I was helping a friend look for wedding dresses online because we have similar taste and I’m a fashion designer. So I share your excitement today! I bet you will be a stunning bride. So pretty with your beautiful smile!
Haha! Rugby player shoulders! Ouch! I too think you probably have to be slim and square-shouldered to truly pull-off a strapless number, and I tend to prefer the vintage, turn-of-(last) century- inspired dresses! (But the lesson remains: ACs are still ACs, and a good decision still needs to be reached! ; ))
Aw Nat, this is my favourite post ever! Congartuations, I hope you have a great wedding day 🙂 The anaology of the man/dress is spot on. I have been reading and re-reading your posts on type and compatabiity and you are so right. The former ‘man of my dreams’ was tall, dark, handsome but also arrogant, flaky, ambigous and someone who didn’t want to respect, care or love me. I’ve decided to kick the ‘tall, dark, handsome’ requirements to the curb now and focus on substance and someone who actually has the same values as me!
Me too, tall, dark and handsome just isn’t enough to cut it! Going for tall, dark, handsome and rich is what drove me to find this site. Substance is what is needed. Good luck. 🙂
So many times, I’ve been captivated by a pretty face and then wondered why the relationship left me feeling empty and bereft.
When I find myself attracted to a beautiful guy who doesn’t treat me with love, care and respect, I’m reminded of Robert Palmer’s line from “Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor):” ‘A pretty face don’t make no pretty heart.’
It took me forever to accept that a pleasing exterior is *not* a guarantee that the person behind it isn’t a jerk.
Natalie, I wish you every happiness with your upcoming wedding. Enjoy the day; despite all the madcap preparations and planning, it goes by lightning fast. Dance & have fun!
I didn’t know you were getting married – congratulations! I love your dress analogy. My issue now is how to decide what is a deal breaker and what is negotiable, what is the difference between having standards and being flexible? Any tips?
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Nat!!!
Congratulations Natalie! 🙂 🙂
And thank you for another insightful article. Wow, “this” is exactly where I’m at….
Yep, I used to do the “feeling” thing, which I think was just chemistry, and then I would manipulate myself into thinking the guy was the one, no matter what.
But, lately I have been questioning my “very strong preconceived ideas about what would suit me” in some areas of my life, and it is really eye opening, and “in the end, so far, I’ve ended up with something totally different to what I would have expected me to go for but it’s totally me. I was also way off track on some of my ideas, which brings me neatly to..‘more’.”
It’s as if some things were right in front of me, but it was so second nature to me that I couldn’t see them. I dunno…too close maybe…weird.
And, I have been thinking that I also have commitment issues: I’ve sooo done the “Is there a better man out there thing,” and I suppose it serves me right because it was done right back to me…, and no I did not like the taste of my own medicine, but now I understand the Law of Attraction better.
I’m still plugging away at my journey, and I am going to take a look at my commitment issues.
Thanks again! 🙂 🙂
Nat! Thanks for sharing a pre-wedding story. It was fun and lovely to read.
But, of course, related to bigger things. I have only just acknowledged over the weekend, believe it or not, that I might not be the most comfortable with committing to a choice. I wouldn’t want to put myself in a high danger (screwed for life) category but I saw myself doing the same thing over and over: someone announced she was pregnant and I started wondering whether I would like to be pregnant, and then became all squinty and bothered because I have other projects on my plate (but maybe they were not achievable? And why wasn’t I in a situation where I could start a family?). Then a friend told me he is moving to California, and I began thinking that I’d like to do that some day, and why wasn’t I doing it now!!! Then a friend of mine told me about some hot-shot political campaign guy wanting to take me on a date, which didn’t make me entertain the idea in a real sense (I am seeing someone), but triggered another string of thoughts, admittedly just for a couple of minutes, about this fantasy life I could have with him, mixing with politicians and other super ambitious people. My goodness! But, watching it, I was much gentler with myself than I might have been a year or so ago, when I would have just tightened the knots.
When we have commitment problems, I think (these are new ideas), we often also have a tendency to make ourselves victims or tenpins in life, subject to the whims and agency of others, while also entitled to this life we’ve created in our minds. Then we don’t choose. We don’t say ‘yes (or no) to the dress’. We treat what we have as a second-choice. Like you say, Nat, if, after being quiet, it really is a second-option, then go for something else, but don’t act like a sorry-arse in the meantime or otherwise. Also, on a more mellow level, I have to somehow learn to stop thinking that someone else’s dress/possibility has something to do with me and my life and what I have chosen (down, ego, down!).
(Can’t wait to see pics of the selected dress, Natalie! Good luck for a smooth and happy next few months. xx)
Congratulations! And hooray for finding the right dress!
The article has given me food for thought as well… for someone who has been known to cry at weddings cos it’ll ‘never be me’, I’ve only just recently realised that the whole idea of being a bride freaks me right out – I don’t think I’d like everyone looking at me or having to be on photos or even all the organising!
Interesting realisation… in an ‘eh what??!’ sort of a way…
when i read people’s posts, all the stories make me sad. where are peoples manners these days? wheres the humanity? the kindness, the care. the comment mr EUM used on me is “because i can”, when i questioned why he treated me as he did. in a lot of ways, thats imprinted in my mind. “because i can” does not give someone the liberty to go beyond morals and treat someone like shit. i dont care if the relationship started off as a one night stand or a simmering romance. nobody deserves to be treated with disrepect. i also dont think blaming women for men losing their gentlemen like ways doesnt cut it either. i think any decent moral person should have respect for someones person. i dont go around on dates trying to grope or sexually harass someone, and the fact that people do try, is appalling. i just had mr EUM ignore my text message for days. i havent seen him in 3 weeks. so i send a ‘its rude not to reply message’, and no-one is that busy they cant reply and that it shows a lack of integrity on your behalf. i also told him to be mindful of others and some manners would be appreciated….he didnt reply and just before (the next day) i sent him a message to say “eveything ok” and he replies, “i didnt reply to your message because i didnt like the way you texted me. my brother in law came (from overseas) and im busy as well.”…i then replied saying, “sorry if it felt mean, but to be ignored by not receiving a reply is not a good feeling”..having total disregard for others is something that bugs me. not including people bugs me as well; he could’ve told me about the brother in law coming, perhaps invited me for dinner. not replying to others shows people are lazy and idiots. i know you cant change others, but i wish people could really see how they act.
Jasmine, I agree. “wheres the humanity? the kindness, the care. the comment mr EUM used on me is ‘because i can’, when i questioned why he treated me as he did. in a lot of ways, that’s imprinted in my mind. ‘because i can’ does not give someone the liberty to go beyond morals and treat someone like shit.'” That really is the attitude of mr EUM “because i can.” I am in the process of getting over a mr EUM who contacted me regularly for months, asked me 100s of personal questions, caught him checking me out several times when he thought I wasn’t looking, yet never asked me out. We used to work on the same team, & mo later in the same dept. Rarely saw him, no title…even when we were not working at the same co. Got frustrated enough that I ended up asking him out. Ha! He said he couldn’t make it. I asked if he would like to meet up some other time, that I just wanted to spend more time with him. No response. Days later the he texts me to ask how I’m doing and to tell me he’s reading ____ book. I ask him another question. No response. Same kind of behavior repeated itself. Finally one day I pulled the same sort of behavior on him, explained to him why I did it & asked him how does it feel? No response. I know, kinda immature. He acts like my feelings don’t matter. I later sent him a “how are things?” text almost a month ago which he hasn’t replied to. AC.
“not replying to others shows people are lazy and idiots. i know you cant change others, but i wish people could really see how they act.” I agree, but it’s not just seeing how they act, it’s feeling the impact of that type of shoddy behavior. Acknowledging that they need to change. Having empathy for others. I don’t think Mr. EUM really feels much of anything. I know the one who’s screwed with my head/feelings either a). still doesn’t care much if at all that he’s upset me b). still demonstrates callousness/disrespect in that he has failed to show the common courtesy of replying back even it’s just to say “I’m fine,” “or “I don’t think we should converse anymore.” I expect/deserve more especially since we have been “friends” and I use the term loosely, for months. I put parentheses around the word b/c looking back I’ve been a good friend to him while the majority of the time he’s been a poor one to me. I feel like I was often used for ego strokes & a shoulder to lean on on diff occasions, looked at as a “chick” not a woman w/feelings. Sucks. Which explains why I spent so much time feeling upset or sad when my “friend” was absent in some way. Try to get closer to EUM’s & they retreat at least momentarily, it’s comical in a way & def pitiful.
Stronger
Know when to fold.
When you first asked him out and he said no, you should have ducked out.
I’m going through this myself.
I invited the man in for something to eat on Friday after he walked me home from church. He declined. It was last minute and late so I’m not seeing it as a solid no – yet. But the ball is with him. He knows I like him now. If he doesn’t ask me out I will move along. We may be friends because nothing “unfriendlike” has ever happened between us, but I’m not going to force that either.
Yes, I’m disappointed but I’m glad I asked. I feel that the thing is coming to a resolution, in its own (slow) time. If it’s possible to be committed to a negative – I’m committed to not letting this thing turn into an interminable quasi relationship.
One thing I do know – I WILL NOT HAVE A TEXT “RELATIONSHIP” WITH ANYONE EVER AGAIN.
As Nat has said, and as I like to repeat, they are just texts. If you want open communication, why not phone him or see him (with your eyes). If you can’t do that, then you have nothing and all the texts in the world won’t make it better. At it’s height, I was getting about five hundred texts a month from the “returning ex”. Didn’t make me happy.
You can never win the Battle of the Texts because there’s no prize at the end of it.
Unless you really like texts. A lot.
Good for you, Grace. I know you had some anxiety about asking him out. That sounds like a nice and casual way to show him that you enjoy his company.
you haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks and he ignores messages?
i don’t care if jesus christ is in town. he hasn’t made time for you. at all.
never write him again, never respond again, and never see him again!
simple!
YOU are making this hard, lady.
jasmine
it was just a text.
no-one but you is making you wait for days for a text.
the reason why your relationship has deteriorated into squabbling over texts (via texts) is because there is nothing there.
If you want dinner, call him and invite him. If you’re too scared to do that – ask yourself why.
@jasmine I sure do hope you put on your big girl pants and flushed that loser!! You are apologizing to a jerk? I’m sorry, I found your story hard to read, you cannot continue a relationship with such a creature unless you’re a glutton for punishment.
And ladies? I’m talking to jasmine, as I know some might think my tone is strong and might get off topic to reply to me, when it is jasmine in need of a reality check!
“Because I can” translates into “because you let me”… because I keep on doing it and you’re here, giving me attention, feeding my ego, trying to cure me and dancing to my tune whilst I’m not even prepared to put the effort into answering your texts…
And there you have your answer. You can’t cure a person who doesn’t want to be cured and you can’t correct the (imo massive) social issues that exist on the dating scene these days, but you can and you have to protect yourself from this sort of drain-you-dry behaviour.
If you really care about this bloke, recognise that you’re doing him no favours sticking around and trying to fix him. The most awareness that you can give him about his own behaviour is by responding in an appropriate manner and getting the hell out of his life so that YOU can get on with meeting someone who treats you properly and makes you happy.
He might choose to heed the message or he might not but in either case his choices and behaviour are HIS – and not yours – to fix.
Until you’ve taken the appropriate steps to protect yourself, there really is no point getting upset about his behaviour – you’re facilitating it and, by coming back and continuing to text him (no matter what words you actually use), you’re telling him that it’s okay. You and me and the thousands of other girls who get sucked into this are the reason that these blokes act like this, they won’t stop until it stops getting them anywhere.
Sorry…
*”getting the hell out of his life” should be “chucking him the hell out of YOUR life”. It’s not a big difference but, well… it’s a big difference.
Texts were invented for asking someone if they’d pick up a bottle of milk while they’re at the shop. You can’t conduct a relationship in 1000 characters or less.
I remember the days when I used to agonise over sending or receiving a poxy text message! It’s not worth it because it’s only a text and doesn’t mean a damn thing. When I realised the AC was acting shady I was relying on replies to a text to keep me going. Trying to communicate or conduct some type of relationship via text doesn’t work ever, it gives ACs and EUMs the opportunity to just manage you down or say what they think you want to hear. This is something that never really occurred to me until I read it on BR. Wish I realised this 6 months ago.
Me too Stephanie – I speak from bitter bitter experience.
For me in was fb chat… you can spend all evening typing frantically and end up with the same amount of communication that you’d get in 15 minutes of actual factual conversation, and the quality is way lower as well.
So, I’m committing to finding a fella who actually wants to TALK to me these days… shouldn’t be too big an ask, hey?
well said, yoghurt
Jasmine,
It’s typical of these guys to try to turn it around on you–he’s accusing you of being rude and you’re trying to explain yourself and offering an apology. I know it’s the way we behave with normal , decent human beings (trying to be reasonable, explain our position, offer an apology) but it’s absolutely wasted on these guys. Not only that, but they just take it as permission to treat you even more poorly. He knows that he’s being an a**hole, he just does not care. I know it’s frustrating and hurtful, but you’ll be even more frustrated if you stick around texting, explaining, and asking any further questions. He’s not going to suddenly ‘get it’ and start acting like a decent human being. Show him that you’re done with his bs by never speaking to him again.
thanks for everyone’s responses. your points are noted. i should add that the text message i sent on thursday was asking if he was free for dinner on saturday. so if someone is texting me a question, the polite way i figure would be to respond. and ;
A, yes i believe he is turning it around on me and now i seem to be the rude one and he doesnt respond to my question, but all of the sudden he’s making me out to be the bad guy. and he did make me feel bad.
Hi Jasmine, I’ve been thinking about your comment over the weekend and so here are my two quick cents.
As much as I wonder where people’s manners are, I wonder even more where some people’s self-esteem is.
He doesn’t have the right to treat another human badly. That said, someone who treated themselves with the same manners they expect from others, would have told this guy to take a run and jump. As soon as you become aware of the difference in values, you back off and opt out – this limits the amount of pain you experience. This is better than standing there going “I behave this way, why don’t you?” Because you’re not the same person and you have entirely different values. Your job is not to raise a man from the ground up – he is happier than a pig in shit. If you think any decent person should behave a certain way, then you have your answer – he’s not a decent person. Sayanara! If I hadn’t seen someone for 3 weeks, I wouldn’t expect them to reply and I wouldn’t be inviting them out to dinner, or at least I wouldn’t now that I realise how these guys operate.
Ultimately he can languish on the tone of your text, which undoubtedly wouldn’t have read like a love note… but he forgets why you sent the message in the first place…and you forget why you had to send that message in the first place – because he’s rude. Do not undignify yourself by doing the equivalent of demanding to know why you’re being ignored and telling him that he’s rude for it. It’s also unrealistic to expect him to invite you to dinner – you hadn’t seen him in 3 weeks. He’s not including you because how you see the relationship is totally different to him. If you want to be included, go out with an available man that treats you decently. Unavailable people include you on their terms, not yours. Also if having total disregard for others bugs you, stop seeing him.
Even if the link isn’t actually “the” dress, “cascading goddess” is totally you, Nat … you overflow with wisdom and beauty!
Boy this struck a chord with me today…for the first time since my divorce I went out on a date..actually three dates with one guy I met on an online site…we had 3 long chat dates and decided to meet and it went great…same with dates 2 and 3…then silence–didnt confirm date 4 and it hurt (posted about that before). Then I hear from him Thursday(via text, yes I let that flag pass) and was about to let me have it but my resolve wilted when he said he had been thinking of me and then it went hot and heavy from there and HE asked to see me Sunday night. Fine I agreed. I wanted to talk, in the interim I sent a text saying I was looking forward to seeing him but I wanted him to understand that while I wasnt looking to get married I didnt want to be his once a week stress reliever.. (good for me I thought!)…silence…I actually even sent a text this morning asking if our date was still on…silence…I decided I was done and reactivated my account on the site…and guess who is there online (I wasnt lurking, it just shows up)? Gee not too busy to troll for someone new, but too busy to say the date is off…my point is this..it wasnt commitment time but the idea of always being on the lookout for something better without giving what you have a chance, a real chance is nuts. If it wasnt working for him, fine say goodbye and leave and move on…I know the old me would have just kept putting myself in his path text wise playing Look At Me! until that one night when he was lonely and horny and dialed my number…and then the next day I would be back to square one. So I guess out of all of this I can say I have made some progress! Thanks Natalie and everyone here..I may stumble but I will not stay knocked down any more!
ChiTownKitty
ChiTown
I think you’ll be less disappointed if you just accept their disappearances as “no”. Rather than hold onto the hope that he will say what you need him to say.
We could debate until the cows come home what the etiquette is for not continuing past three dates (three seems to be the magic number). I personally don’t think it warrants a formal “break up”.
I guess there is no rule about this; online dating is still all quite new. Read the signs: if he’s gone, if he communicates via text, if we’re resorting to talking about our expectations via text, it’s a non-starter, and to expect him to come up with a speech formalising that only serves to keep us waiting.
We know what we expect and what our boundaries are. He has his expectations and his boundaries. We do get a choice to drop it if we don’t like what we’re getting. We don’t get to choose the kind of person he is or what he will do.
All that said, it’s good you flushed him. Try not to dwell on it. And don’t let him back in!
ChiTown
Well done for flushing him early, I can see familiar signs just by what you have said. I agree no “formal” break up is needed because he has shown who he is anyway and it was only 3 dates. However, I believe just ignoring someone is a cowardly and rude. A simple way of saying goodbye is all he had to do, you would have been disappointed but you would have the closure, and you would be able to move on instantly. Come to think of it if he is an AC that might be asking for too much!
Before text or email, woman would know the answer if men never called back. It was somehow more accepted that when a man didn’t call, he wasn’t interested. Yet today, when they don’t text or email back it seems to bother us more. It’s the same thing so why does it seem to hurt more? Because it takes less effort? My AC wouldn’t respond if he didn’t like what I had to say in a text/email and when I would see him and ask why the silent treatment, he would say “it just wasn’t worth responding”. Oh how that used to infuriate me. He might as well had said “you just weren’t worth the 6 secs it would have taken to type”. I think it’s partly a control thing for them. It just burns me up how these AC’s chase us until we give in, charm us until we fall in love and
then treat us like we were the ones wanting them all along. My AC knew EXACTLY how to persuade me – there must be a book entitled “how to be the perfect AC – chase, charm and disappear without any guilt or remorse”. Flush, flush – good riddance! I do have a question. These men seem to be rather good, affectionate, emotional lovers where sex is involved so how can they become so emotionally unavailable in other areas of the relationship? My AC did slip one time and tell me he didn’t want to get involved b/c he will probably end up falling for me and get hurt. He only said it once, and very quickly. Could it be that they are quite emotional actually and so they react by blocking out all emotion in an effort to never get hurt? My AC (in bed) would hold me very tight, show a lot of affection, tell me he was happy and show such a deep caring for me (like you see in the movies) and then I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks after until I contacted him. WTF is that? Guys – if any are reading this, can you please help answer this? Should he have gotten an Oscar or is it something else?
“My AC (in bed) would hold me very tight, show a lot of affection, tell me he was happy and show such a deep caring for me (like you see in the movies) and then I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks after until I contacted him. WTF is that?”
Hi Ashamed,
I’m not a guy but I do a recall a guy on here who said never believe what a guy says an hour before he gets you into bed and for an hour afterwards…
I tested this theory out very true…
A guy just has to learn that a woman likes to be cuddled after sex and shown affection, no skin of his nose if he knows it gets you back in bed with no contact in between and without any commitment on his part.
Why wouldn’t he be happy he just had sex and released all those good hormones?
Sorry to say it seemed as though he knew the drill to keep you on his line and played you.
Ashamed
I’m gonna have a stab at this.
It feels nice to love and be loved. It’s a basic human need. Before, during and after sex he’s enjoying your love for him, the closeness, the afterglow and the cuddles. It also fits in with his view of himself as a superloverboy rather than a “humper and dumper”. An EUM/AC can do all that without envisioning any kind of future with you. It can be very hard for women to get that. You have to take it on trust. Yes, it can be “just like the movies” that day, that night, maybe the whole weekend. Then he’s gone and not thinking about you very much, if at all. What you feel is not what he feels.
Also, I think you’ll find that, over time (if it goes on that long) the sex gets worse. They can’t maintain the charade.
Sex is not a shortcut to intimacy. It’s just sex.
The question is – if you weren’t shagging what exactly would he be sharing with you? Probably very little indeed.
Text and email is the 21st century’s gift to the EUM/AC and to FBGs as well (to be fair). Everyone gets to maintain the status quo with minimum effort and zero cost. You get to reach out to someone while simultaneously hiding and taking no risk. And then we get pissed because we’re not satisifed. Why would we be?
Don’t do it.
I know – deep down I know he’s such an arse! I wish I did not enjoy him so much, I’m going strong on NC though! Thanks ladies!
Just to second Grace’s thought about the loverboy: I recently went to a reading where I got to hear both my friend, and her girlfriend, read their work. My friend has confessed briefly to me that her gf has a few issues that made her sound kind of EU to me. My friend is lovely but always seems to go for assholes (she did it when she was dating men, now that she’s dating women I hadn’t seen the pattern change that much, then she met this woman).
When her gf read her story, I liked her even less. The story was all about a woman who won’t open up to her gf, and her gf cries about it, and yet the woman goes out clubbing. There was an element of ‘honesty’ to the story, and fine if you can’t open up, but what made me not like her (story) was how the woman comes back to her sad, shy girlfriend and characterizes her in her mind as timid and scared and destined to fade into the corners, and then when she makes love to her, the shy woman suddenly becomes all vibrant and colorful and beautiful.
Lots of people loved the story; it was really well written. But not many women (it was a woman-heavy crowd) seemed to care or notice that the main character was kind of an AC, for really thinking that under her touch and caress that the other woman opened up and became ‘herself.’ It made me want to gag. Especially because I couldn’t help think of my friend, who despite her shyness, doesn’t need this other woman to become brilliant. What a b*tch.
So I bet my friend’s gf is all tender and caring in bed, too, because she thinks she is restoring the golden touch of brilliance to a wounded bird. Puke.
Magnolia
Thanks for the belly laugh!
You’re so right – they actually think they’re doing us a favour.
Thank you ladies for your replies. I don’t know what to think but I sure as hell don’t need him to show me love b/c I’m wounded. I’m actually a strong, outgoing, confident woman that got trapped in a web of lies and deception. Of lately, I have been thinking of how I really would hate to be a wife to someone so devious and shady. He laughs that his nickname has the word shady in it. Should have known after he shared that with me-one big red flag
I ignored!! I will be seeing him soon at an event and I’m well prepared to look my best and act very disinterested.
Ashamed. I read a really great book called “Men Who Cant Love”.. I was blown away that it described my AC to a T… Its kinda sad that there are some men that just cant make the commitment to a relationship. They run the other way !! and it not our fault but we end feeling like it was something about us…. ughhhh… I done dating for a long time.. Sometimes its just easier to be alone :)….
CTK, That guy smells of perennial dater. I don’t think it has anything to do with you or how you behaved or might behave in the future. You are not in this. Step aside, and let him continue to toy around on the internet. He seems attracted to the chat and the possibility, and not actually interested in creating something meaningful and accountable. You put down your very reasonable expectations, and he balked. It’s done. You should be proud of yourself for acting on the information in the right way, with little fuss. Don’t try to win him.
Exactly! I mean He asked for the date…all he had to do was cancel…that’s it, never contact me again. Its called being polite which you are right is totally lost on these ACs. Of course in retrospect I can see all sorts of red flags and have come to the conclusion that this guy was just an aging frat boy moving from woman to woman, and hopefully (in his eyes) bed to bed. The only thing I am going to dwell on is the progress that I have made for flushing him as quickly as I did and moving on and now having an even better sense of how I demand to be treated and what I expect out of a relationship from early in its stages (namely call, no sexting, saying what I want/expect via text or IM, etc). I will be smart enough to flush any of these idiots even sooner than I flushed this one!
Chi Town, I’d just hit the flush handle if I were you. Move on. This guy seems like he thinks the sun shine out of his arse. It isn’t as if he is interested in committing, he can’t. I hate it when it is clear that the ball is in my court. I could continue dicking around with an EU or I could move on. Frig. I still want to flog the EU in him to avoid facing the EU in me. Erusms frums.
Ladies feel free to jump on this but am I understanding right … that after 3 dates, when he got in touch the next time (did he actually miss or stand you up for date 4 or did he just get back to you later than you thought was appropriate?), he made plans with you for Sunday. Then because you wanted to talk to him between then and Sunday, you *texted* and insinuated that he was treating you like a ‘weekend stress reliever’?
Maybe I misunderstood the detail of how things went down. But if I called a guy Thurs and made plans for Sunday, and then he gave me grief for not talking to him in the two days in between (after only 3 previous dates), I’d cut him loose.
Though I totally agree that it only takes two seconds to answer a text and say, “Actually, I have changed my mind about the date.”
Here’s how it played out. All during the time between dates 1-3 he texted me everyday, usually first thing in the morning. Then we make plans for date 4, between date 3 and 4 he says he’s not sure he can make date 4 (Weds) but will text me that morning to let me know…no word and I dont text him. To be honest I was ready to flush. Then Thursday night he texts and I was ready to call him on not letting me know the plans….but I wilted in the face of “Ive been thinking of you and want to see you Sunday night.” The next morning I wake up and see all the red flags…I so want to be wrong! So I send my text and nothing….Sunday I decide to flat out ask if our date is still on…nothing…flush, flush, flush.
As Elle said he’s a perenial dater…he will always have an excuse for not commiting. To be honest I have to admit I let my hormones get the best of me…being with him felt so natural, he said all the right things…then I realized…he’s a con man…and they know just how to get what they want out of their mark. No more!!! Im making a journal entry of the red flags so I will look at it before I venture out in the dating world again!
Congratulations Nat!
This post was very appropriate today. I have also been shopping for my wedding dress and wondering if I’ll find a better dress at an expo or if I should shop around more! What if I find a more gorgeous dress elsewhere? Since I’ve started shopping, I also started to question my relationship with my fiance — if he is really the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Then I started thinking about my ex and the ‘feeling’ I felt when I was with him, and about another friend whom I find emotionally attractive… but I realised that I love my fiance more than anything and that he is easily the most caring, kindest, loving and gentle man I have ever been with. Sure, he’s not perfect but neither am I and the fact that he loves me enough to want to be with me for the rest of our lives, is more than what I have ever thought I deserved!
You are right in saying that “Commitment is a conscious decision and a choice reflected in action. You’ve got to make a decision to choose and keep choosing day after day after day.”
Thank you for cementing my thoughts! 🙂
I’m really feeling this article. I run hot and cold. I will meet an attractive man and/or
really intelligent, and just be interested, and then it will be like I just came out of a trance, and I’m not interested anymore, and so I’ll break it off with the guy. Now sometimes these just turned out to be assclowns, …married…liars, etc, but sometimes they hadn’t done anything wrong, but I just blew cold. Or, they had minor flaws, which seemed major to me at the time. Yes, I usually say to myself, “This guy is attractive and nice, but I don’t want him for a serious relationship because I think I can find someone better, but I am not so cold hearted…. I wasn’t completely aware of what I was doing all the time, but sometimes I knew exactly what I was doing, but I was only adhereing to my social programming of what a good man is, and as karma would have it, I met a guy that I really liked, but then, he dumped me because he was looking to find a better life for himself, and he wanted to “trade up.” Then, I had a short lived online, text relationship, and I was dumped again because he did not think I was “pretty, classy, successful, famous” enough. He is a big fish of sorts, and although I’ve a family name, I lack my own pond. I know I’m codependent. I’ve been also told that I’m an empath. I’m in recovery. I know I have been choosing men for all the wrong reasons, and the ones I’m choosing me for all the wrong reasons. Right now, I’m just exploring how to meet my own needs, and get my values straightened out. I’m too finding that I have some misconceived notions about what suits me, and I’m ashamed to admit that I do have some fucked up ideas in my head. I can be very superficial, and egotistical and self-righteous, phoney, and the Universe.definitely.got my attention when it bit me in the ass. I don’t date because I’m afraid I’m going to hook up with another narcissist, and truth.be told, somtimes I think I might have some narssisistic tenedencies, maybe a covert or introverted one, although I’ve been
Diagnosed as a codie. I’ve got over one year of.NC on my first dumper and 7 months
Away from my second dumper. Speaking of immature, I goated both of them into making contact with me, made out like I was being friendly, and then left them hanging. Yes, I wanted to let them know what it felt like. I wish I could tell you that I’m
Not proud,…
Twin
I’m not a mental health professional but I doubt you’re a codependent empathic covert introverted narcissist. You just sound mixed up, with low self esteem and are attracted to men who don’t want a relationship with you (or anyone). Welcome to the club!
The two men you describe just sound like run-of-the-mill jerks. Most of us have gone after men that have rejected us – even if we didn’t like them very much. I even married one so you’re already doing better than I did.
Yes you’ve had bad experiences but it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed and it doesn’t mean that your situation is extraordinarily complicated or that you are beyond hope. It can be improved if – you believe it.
It’s good that you’ve gone NC, it’s good that you’re instigated a dating ban, but don’t spend the time feeding yourself negative BS about who you are. Do something different – new friends, hobbies, church, volunteer work, counselling. Positive stuff, rather than brooding on what’s wrong with you.
And much as I love this blog, there’s a lot of crapola on the internet. Don’t believe everything you read. And don’t believe every man’s assessment of you. Why do they get to decide who you are? Their opinion is only as important as you make it.
Oh, and I spy YET ANOTHER online/text fantasy “relationship”. Don’t do it. You’d be better off reading a book or watching a dvd.
Thank you for the welcome Grace. Yes, that’s how I feel…all mixed up, no wonder I stuff feelings, I know they are necessary, they are a real…. Hey, you have good one.
I found myself thinking of mils’s comment today. How she was worried about ‘being had’ when in the market for a car. I thought about how before I’d ever owned a car or sold one, I had little idea of what I wanted in a car enough to feel comfortable shopping for one. Now I know I’m a better negotiator than a lot of men I know, and feel confident that I could navigate the market.
It was actually much the same with clothes: I had an ‘ugly girl’ and ‘poor girl’ mentality for a long time, and felt overwhelmed in stores because no one had shown me how to, or helped me I see that I could, shop for what I liked and choose what suited me. For the longest time, “Oh, I’ll never have anything nice,” prevented me from learning the buying skills to be able to recognize a deal, or hunt for a specific cut or fabric, or to say no to what everyone else was wearing even if it didn’t work on me.
It dawned on me: shopping is a skill. You may think that’s obvious, but I still think many of my loved ones approach buying things on impulse, or respond to pressure/suaveness in sales pitches because they don’t have the knowledge to know the salesperson is full of shit. (Don’t get me started on my folks and ‘financial advisors’ – lambs to the slaughter.)
Something about the way nils put it gave me an aha moment. Suddenly I saw that I have had this imaginary person and feeling in my head, and I’ve been going out trying to find it, instead of looking at the many different varieties and flavours of men out there as ‘what’s on the market’, as in, a market I could get educated in and get to the point of being comfortable making a selection. I suddenly saw myself as a little girl out shopping for cars, saying, “But I want an eco-friendly Hummer that gets 40 miles to the gallon!!” (They don’t make Hummers anymore, btw, and they only got about 10).
I’ve always approached the dating thing as though I’d know “him” when I found him, and thought that my main problem was always saying “yes” to men that weren’t “him.” People have suggested that what I visualized was unrealistic: I thought I was going for “sensitive enough to be interested in me for who I am and what I do, but thick-skinned enough to have become a responsible adult in the world” but I think I phrased it as “into talking about emotions but financially successful”! Hmmm!!! Maybe that was part of the problem!
Anyway, mils’s car shopping analogy suddenly made me feel like I should rather try to educate myself on the general “makes” of men. Hummers don’t come in sensitive. And Priuses don’t come in macho. Unless I want to wait until they make a car called Humus 🙂 I need to evaluate which qualities I want and what packages they come in. Then I will recognize a great package (ahem) when I find one!
Magnolia,
I’ve been reading your posts for a long time and I am so impressed with how far you’ve come, how hard you are working and how much you are learning.
Many Kudos to you! *hugs*
Hi all……..this is my first post although I have been a fairly regular visitor of late for all of the usual reasons! It was my 20th wedding anniversary yesterday. I am married to a tall, handsome, successful achiever. For our anniversary he bought me flowers, wrote a touching poem in a card, gave me an expensive heart necklace and took me to lunch at a beautiful restaurant.
It sounds wonderful but it is really very sad. I just want to comment on what I wore for our wedding. It was all arranged at very short notice, we already had a beautiful four month old daughter and we had her baptised at the same time. I never bought a dress. I didn’t even look. Although I couldn’t believe my luck. A girl from the wrong side of the tracks, from a background of violence, abuse, poverty and addiction could bag someone like him! I wore a pair of culottes and a jacket….matching of course….and beige. I looked like Don Estelle from ‘It ain’t half hot Mum’! Truth is…..I was not present. I knew deep, deep, inside my soul it was wrong…..just like my wedding outfit.
I have married a man with alchohol issues, just like my father, verbally and emotionally abusive , controlling…..but not violent…..so that was an improvement?! Sex was a clinical cold process, I cannot remember being kissed! He feels he is losing me and hence the effort on our anniversary……it is my first anniversary card and gift from him…ever. There is so much I want to share but want to stay ‘ on subject’. I have also stepped outside my own moral code….once….never again. Am not a saint for sure.
Follow your instincts…..you are rarely wrong. I have woken up from my ‘coma’, ….so painful. But have hope, optimism and humour!
Boots–I feel for you. My ex husband only wanted me when I started a new job outside the home, made friends…in other words when it was obvious he was losing me. My advice? Find someone to talk to–there are therapists out there that will help you discover what is the right course of action for you. You and everyone else on this planet deserve to be happy, respected and well treated. Dont settle for less. What got me moving was the fact that my dad died when he was 56, I decided to divorce when I was in my 40s..I thought if I only had a little life left to live why live it in a hell of my choosing? Also, think of your daughter….do you want her to repeat the pattern? Show her how to be a strong woman…a happy woman!
ChiTownKitty
Thank you for your advice and words of encouragement. Sorry about your Dad….he was very young and it puts time into perspective for sure. I have been in therapy for a couple of years and it has really helped me. Am getting stronger and hopefully my children can see it……will see where it leads!
Congrats on getting your wedding dress. Its a big deal!
Can’t wait to see pictures!