Reading the comments on my post yesterday about sexual pitfalls was a startling reminder of how as women, while we can often devalue ourselves inadvertently through our actions, that some of the men we’re involved with are only too eager to devalue us also, even when we want to ‘do the right’ thing by ourselves. While we can burn up a lot of energy trying to get them to change and see our value, what many of you will already realise is that it’s a waste of time and energy because the power to change our experiences comes from us. We are the only common denominator in our relationships, so rather than continue on our not so merry way, we can empower ourselves. This means for anyone who is involved with us, they either need to step up and play by the rules…or step. Here in part one are some of my thoughts about sexual values to help you on your way…
1. Stop engaging in the sexual insanity.
Relationship insanity is doing the same things, going out with same guy (or woman) different package, carrying the same beliefs, baggage, attitudes, and expecting different results.
If you’ve dated twenty men and slept with them on the first date or fairly early in the relationship, it is sexual insanity to repeat the same behaviour and go for number 21 and beyond!
Sex is not everything but trust me when I say that if you’re struggling to forge a relationship but you’ve had a lot of sexual activity, I’d cut the sex and opt for substance so you can open your eyes.
If it didn’t feel good when you have slept with people earlier than you would prefer to or out of a situation that you were uncomfortable with on the previous twenty occasions; trust me when I say it won’t get anymore comfortable or better on the next occasion.
2. Know yourself and examine your own sexual values.
In my recent post about values I explain that
“Values are about what you need in order to live your life authentically so that you can be happy and feel good. These are about your firmly held beliefs about what makes you a person of value and also what you see as valuable in others.” so in turn your sexual values are about you understanding what you need to feel good (I’m not talking about technique!) via the experience surrounding your sexual interaction. It’s also understanding your firmly held beliefs because if you don’t understand why you act as you do, you will live life unconsciously unwittingly engaging in stuff that undermines your own professed desires.
What you believe manifests itself in your actions.
If you believe that the way someone shows you that you’re loved is through sex, or believe that your value is based on sexual currency, lo and behold, sex is what you’ll lead with and what you’ll value when you’re in the relationship.
Whatever sexual activity you’re engaging in, make sure it’s in line with what you do.
We have to stop holding on to outdated bollox like ‘It’s what girls do’ – Forget that! What do you do?
Much like your general values, it doesn’t matter what society, your family, the old lady down the street or your best friend do because if they are not your values, then they’re not your values and if you try to take on other people’s values, you will be out of sync with yourself.
‘Betty’ might have no problem sleeping with guys on the first date or before she knows they’re ‘exclusive’, but that doesn’t mean that you have to do it too. Let me assure you – there are many ‘Bettys’ in the world, having sex, going to ‘first’ ‘second’ and ‘third base’ who actually on reflection really don’t want to.
If you want an idea of what you’re uncomfortable with, look back at your relationship pattern. Where were you uncomfortable? Where did you feel devalued and like crap? Stop repeating these situations and actions – it’s never going to feel good!
Ask yourself what your core 3-5 beliefs are about sex. Don’t think about it too much – just write down the first things that come to mind. What you read back to yourself is likely playing huge part in your sexual interactions.
3. Don’t use sex as a currency – it is not an equal exchange of goods!
Sex shouldn’t be used to barter, reward, control, or manipulate people. If you place a large emphasis on sex but are in reality looking to have your emotional needs met and be in a mutually fulfilling relationship, you will find that you will be at conflict with yourself and undermining your own efforts if you reward with sex. You’ve also got to stop feeling like you must have sex with someone or that it’s expected.
You don’t owe anyone a shag because they called you, took you out for dinner, brought you a drink, or finally dignified you with showing up and holding a conversation with you. Even if they’re nice, kind, caring, thoughtful, whatever, you still don’t ‘owe’ them sex.
Sex is part of an overall relationship equation and when you have a foundation to your relationship, sex helps to bond you further, extend intimacy, and is another way of demonstrating affection but should not be the only way. It is not just men who are guilty of trying to communicate via sex – women do too. It’s important to recognise that there are other ways to show your interest that don’t involve dropping your knickers or an exchange of bodily fluids.
We need to believe they’ll be around long enough to enjoy sex with us at a later stage and we also need to believe we are worthy of being treated decently instead of feeling surprised and in turn feeling motivated to sleep with them.
We need to stop feeling so grateful for getting the bare basics of being treated decently – we’re supposed to be! It’s like ‘Oh he’s still here and he’s called a few times and taken me out. Tom, Dick, and Harry, wouldn’t have done that! Oh I know – I’ll have sex with him to show him how I appreciate it and how interested I am’.
Even if your relationship is early days, when someone wants to be with you and you have boundaries, shared values, and the care, trust, and respect, you are far better placed for love to follow and to feel safe and secure in the relationship.
You should be having sex within the confines of your values and where you feel comfortable. There shouldn’t be an undertone to things, it shouldn’t be based on fear, coercion, or some intrinsic message that you owe someone a piece because they’re with you – you don’t need to be grateful for anyone’s interest. You deserve to be loved and cared about.
This is why it is important to have a relationship with boundaries, values and mutual love, care, trust, and respect because you’re both on a two way street and sex is part of the overflow of good feelings within your relationship as opposed to this sideline thing that’s ambiguous and messing with your mind.
4. It can be the greatest sex on earth but it doesn’t mean much if you don’t have a relationship to back it up!
If you’re two people having the greatest sex on earth or of your entire lives and it’s a casual arrangement due to finish up soon with no emotions mixed in etc, that’s a different situation. But if the best thing about your relationship is the sex because everything else is sh*t, your relationship cannot and will not survive – you’re just two people having great sex who can’t make their relationship work in a healthy manner.
Vaginas and penises don’t share common values and they can’t ‘communicate’, make decisions, or act with love, care, trust, or respect. Do not give your vagina responsibility it cannot handle – it’s like absolving yourself of your own duty of care.
Just like when I say that you need to keep your feet in reality and be careful of creating illusions and obsessing and letting your imagination overrun; be careful of linking up your vagina, libido, and your imagination because they are very comfortable companions.
Men have often been accused of being led by their penises – don’t let your vagina lead you astray. If you are allowing it to determine decisions about who you love and stay with, I suggest you put yourself on lockdown and work through your beliefs about sex and get a clear head. When you do have sex, force yourself to extend the amount of time you would normally have sex.
Trust me when I say that it’s a lot harder to turn sex on it’s own into a great relationship than it is to turn two people with common core values, love, care, trust, and respect into two people having great sex. If you don’t believe me, just ask all the women who have been booty calls, friends with benefits etc…
5. Take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Be Yourself.
Part of the problem with relationships that deplete and detract from us that from the outset or at some point, we are not being our authentic selves – we are being whoever and whatever we think that person wants us to be.
From the moment you start sexually engaging with someone and it’s not in line with your values, you are setting an unhealthy tone for the relationship.
If you sleep with him, not because you actually want to sleep with him, are ready, and comfortable but because you fear that if you don’t sleep with him you’ll lose him, that you’ll look a certain way etc, you are linking sex, your value, your ability to hold onto them, and your perception of him and the relationship, to sex.
It’s not just about him – Attend to you own needs. If you do stuff based on always meeting someone else’s needs, you will neglect to meet your own needs, especially if you are not in a mutually fulfilling relationship.
Where this is particularly dangerous is with sexual values – it is time to start asking ourselves why we are engaging in stuff that we are not comfortable with and that isn’t congruent with our own personal core values never mind our sexual values.
Your thoughts? Back in part two! Image credit SXC Ignacioleo
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GREAT entry. As someone who is a very late bloomer in terms of sex and is glad to have waited so long, this entry will help me a lot as I navigate the murky world of sex. Being a late bloomer has been good for me because my values have been in play for such a long time and seem to mostly match what’s being said here. I’m going to pass this along to a few friends of mine so they can empower themselves as well.
Oh I know – I’ll have sex with him to show him how I appreciate it and how interested I am’. Guilty as charged. Yes definitely. As long as I give him great sex he will stick around for more – WRONG! Just makes matter worse when they leave you because your great sex wasn’t enough to hold them – painful ouch!
Lesson learned thankfully – wish I would have learned it YEARS ago. Could have saved me alot of heartache. I think the last EUM was the most painful for this very reason and also because he was my ENOUGH moment. Great post Nat again you inspire me to be a better woman and give me the tools to do it!
Couldn’t of said it better myself. Sex has never and will never keep a guy around. I learned that the hard way.
co-sign onto the post and the comments …great post NML, once again
I agree 100%!
Yup, Me too. Duh!
Painful ouch for sure! My last two eums both either left me, or shortly after found 1) a virgin, and 2) a woman who didn’t believe in pre-marital sex. It REALLY frickin hurt, and made me feel like utter crap. But it also forced me to look at my sexual behavior and just how I was giving myself away. How obvious does it have to be! It was hard to face, but worth it. Thanks!
I come from a culture that puts a premium on women not having sex before marriage–all the men claim that they want a “truly nice girl” and that “no nice girls exist anymore”, meaning no virgins exist anymore. Well, guess what: it was almost impossible for this bright, educated, attractive, very thin, nice, down-to-earth, etc., etc. “truly nice girl” to get a date with a guy! (One who I really wanted, that is. Ones I didn’t want were easy to get…they chased me.) Why? Because they were all much too busy seeing girls like you, girls they told everyone they were “just having fun with,” but girls who they ultimately fell for (and felt guilty for) b/c of the sex.
My husband did marry me partly b/c of my nice girl status, b/c it was one of his requirements, but also b/c his family did not approve of the cultural background of the girl he had been seeing for one year before me. I sometimes wonder: if they HAD approved, would he have married her, and gone against his values in wanting a nice girl? (And, mind you, while he dated this girl, he was ALWAYS checking me out and showing his interest–but never asked me out directly.) I think that he may/would have married her! BASED ON TIMING.
A few others who I really liked over my years of dating ended up marrying girls WAYYYY younger (at least several years) and/or in “women” professions, meaning (almost always) teaching. So I was not “their style” after all!
So you see that, no matter how you dice it, TIMING is what brought my husband to me. Not to knock myself. He claims up and down that he was always after me, wanted me, that I was The Number One. But I do have a bit of doubt. Still, even under his own logic, and his own values, it is the TIMING that made Us happen.
So don’t feel so bad! The water is just as, or more, murky for us virginal girls as the rest of all women.
Hence my saying that there is really NO reason to be a virgin before marriage nowadays.
Let’s be honest: I could have faked that I was one, right? Lots of women do! (“I hurt myself on a bike when I was 12. I am sooooo sorry I can not give you what I have always wanted to give my one and only husband!” * tears * *tears*)
Sorry for the sarcasm. You get my point, though. (I hope.)
In my second-to-last paragraph I am in no way saying that I faked my status, btw. I am saying that I could have had a non-virginal status, but lied and said that I was one, like many women do (and, you know what, based on the fickleness of the men who I have seen in past, and the “truly nice girls” who threw knives in my back to support the women who were letting themselves be used to snare a guy, I don’t blame those women, the ones who fake virginity, not one bit).
Today I saw two young women (under 25) treat busboys at a restaurant like total crap. They left their junk on the table, instead of throwing it out.
Where there is power, it will be abused. If men know they can’t have sex with you, that they want sex, and that you will be around b/c you like them and that you, meanwhile, are not having sex or seeing men unless they are serious about their intentions and want a good girl for marriage, then those same men WILL make the nice girl wait, despite their wanting her!
And, yes, they DO marry the girls who gave it to them. You have to be in it to win it, after all!
And, yes, nice girls DO finish last, for the most part.
Yeah, the sex thing is really a tough one. It’s just something you have to risk I guess, at some point. I wouldn’t want to have to be a virgin – and with just one man my entire life – honestly (no offense at all, it is admirable). But g*damnit it hurts when you give yourself to someone and they leave you. It becomes more about sex and your ‘value as a woman’ and as a ‘good girl’, than it actually was. I guess that is a sort of hangover from thousands of years of placing value on women around sex.
I can see how it would be difficult to be a virgin and dating as well, and how you may be overlooked and rejected at times. How you may feel less feminine and womanly. And how men would play around with other girls and then only come back to you when they were ready for something serious. We just can’t win really, because we’re objectified in ways.
I never questioned my desirability–I always knew I was pretty, based on how men generally aact around me; also, I’d always hear about how “so and so” liked me, but was (time and again) too “afraid” to ask me out or say something. Then I’d show interest. Then NOTHING happened–unti they’d see a threat (another man paying attention to me), and that’s when they’d jump over curbs to talk to me! But then STILL no move to ask me out 1/2 the time.
I didn’t mind their coming back when they were serious. I had to take it that they respected me enough to do so. But, yes, when I knew all along that they liked me but still played around, only to come back, 1-2-3 years later, I didn’t give a damn how much status or money they’d had–they coud, just have gone to the devil, as far as I was concerned.
You can’t win, either way! This is the safer way. But you can’t win!
And then they say WE are fickle.
Girls, the answer (if you have the guts to do it, and can act) is: play the virgin, but don’t be one. THAT is what pretty much ALL men, EU or not, deserve. (My husband being AN exception, b/c he was truly honest about it all. Basically, the girl before me was not The One for him. She was NOT led on, though. She took a shot knowing she had a good chance of losing. Got to know all his friends, too. BUT the family treated her badly from the get-go, and would never let her into their home.)
It’s frustrating when you KNOW you are womanly and the guys act like they might as well be GAY as far as you are concerned! Hah! THAT is where the lack of sexuality lies!
I love this post. Actually I love all of your posts. They seem to be talking directly to me…lol. I wish I would have read all your advice when i first started out dating rather at the end of my twenties and a single mom of one. But at least I’m here. My sex life has not matched up with my personal core values and I intend to change that. After I heal from the terrible relationships that I have placed myself in, I will be approaching my future relationships totally different.
“….if you try to take on other people’s values, you will be out of sync with yourself.” OMG how true that is….That has only recently started to sink in.
“Don’t use sex as a currency – it is not an equal exchange of goods!” Wow that really hit home for me. Intimacy, trust, respect and my emotional well-being do not have a price tag of lesser value then an assclown and bad behaviour.
I sure hope that Assclown’s around the globe never find out about your blog and all the wonderful women reading it….these poor bastards may never have sex again without having to earn it in there own right. They will be surprised to find that they have to actually “step up and play by the rules…or [just] step” Lol!! I love it.
NML, I was drawn to your blog because I was desperate to end the pain of my relationship insanity….and honestly, it was more painful for me to hear all of the logical / thoughtful / cold hard truth that you have shared. It was sometimes unbearable to follow the advise but I couldn’t imagine where I would be without it….I shudder at the thought.
This was a great topic, Natalie. This week’s topic on sex has reassured me that I made the right decision when I was with my ex-EUM: Every time we would be intimate, I wouldn’t allow it to move to the next level (sex). I think I knew deep down inside that he wanted to be with me for just that and of course I ignored it hoping that he would say the right words to me to make me feel confident that he wanted to build a relationship (which ultimately didn’t happen). Something inside me triggered me to stop myself from making a mistake I would regret. As heartbroken as I was when he told me he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship (and I’m pretty sure he said that because I wouldn’t “give it up”), I think I would have been in even worse shape emotionally had I let my guard down 100%. I am proud to still be a virgin at 34 (yes, it’s old, but I’m traditional), and know that there is a man out there who will respect, love, and care for me because I’ve stuck to my morals.
It takes wayyyyy longer to find a guy once the word is out, once your reputation is established, that you are a “truly nice girl”.
Sure, it’s the better road. But it’s also the wayyyy longer one.
Almost all of my truly nice girlfriends are still single, at over 35.
But don’t EVER sell out. Yes, all you need is ONE good guy. By the time you find him, too much of “life” will have happened to you–which will be good for your kids (lessons to them).
@Used-
I couldn’t agree with you more. Being a virgin at an older age is a much longer road to finding “the one”. It’s not that I didn’t have urges to have sex in my past relationships when I was in intimate moments, because I did. But every time my ex-EUMs would want to have sex, I had that gut feeling that they didn’t care about me. I’m not saying they should fall in love with me, but I have that expectation that they should care, and unfortunately that was not the case.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Although I didn’t wait until marriage, I waited until I was 30 and the person who was first had to wait close to 11 months for that. I’m traditional like that too. People like you and I are in a class by ourselves. 😉
P.S. Even in the next relationship (IF there is a next relationship), the person will have to wait for a long time. If the person doesn’t like it, goodbye. *shrugs*
@Ph2072-
It’s nice to know that there are others like me 🙂
I am traditional, but not to the point that I would wait until marriage. I guess I am just waiting when I know it’s the right guy and the right time and obviously, that hasn’t happened yet. *sigh*
I think that you have provided much needed information for sooo many women including myself. I am new to the single life and new to blogging but very inspired by what you wrote about. Your blog has helped me through some very difficult times in my life and I am glad that i am on par in my values surrounding sex!!! Thanks again!!
NML, these posts are great! You are doing here pioneer work for a new generation of women who somehow had to struggle with the sexual revolution and the freedom that came with it and forgetting ourselves over it.
This all so true, and it comes so at the right time.
Thinking we owe them sex, cause they treated us nice, taking us out for dinner….ouch!
Yes, sounds all familiar.
It’s about staying authentic in relationships, true to ourselves at any cost.
Everything else will end up in a weird empty feeling after sex, or will turn sex into a obligation to cheer our partner up. And believe me – he will get used to it and taking it for granted and at the end he is going to blame you for feeling tense cause you didn’t want to give him a blow job this morning cause you were struggling with a cold.
I am now about 3 months in a relationship, still had no sex. Cause I am simply not ready for it yet. And from time to time I catch myself having a bad feeling about it – old program running in me, I guess.
Ladies stay true to yourself!
“You should be having sex within the confines of your values and where you feel comfortable” and
“It can be the greatest sex on earth but it doesn’t mean much if you don’t have a relationship to back it up!” and
” Take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Be Yourself.”
Thanks Natalie, these are gold.
For some reason romantic love is based on sexual attraction which often has nothing to do with a relationship. Having a values based approach to dating is much more intelligent and even works… I have a few friends who married their ‘hot’ lovers, divorced then chose their second according to values and they are all still going strong even some ten or nearing twenty years later. And they have a sizzle… they just learned to do it (relationships) differently!
This has to be the greatest sentence I have read on here and it just sums up in the most humerous manner the whole debate we are having at present”……..”Vaginas and penises don’t share common values and they can’t ‘communicate’, make decisions, or act with love, care, trust, or respect. Do not give your vagina responsibility it cannot handle – it’s like absolving yourself of your own duty of care.”
Thank you Natalie, your words bring light into the day and love into our lives.
Oh how I love how these posts are dovetailing off of one another. They’re all so applicable to my life right now! I read this and tried to think about what my sexual values are and sadly, I am not even sure. I am by no means a floozy but I most definitely have given it up way too soon to too many men. And of course, none of the instances led to a relationship (not sure I wanted them all to).That being said, my most recent foray is really the first time I had a purely sexual relationship (I now realize this is what it was) as in it wasn’t a one night stand, but it wasn’t/isn’t a fully committed monogamous relationship. When we were living in the same town (less than a month ago) we spent each night and even the days together, we went out, had fun, had sex, had sex, rewind, repeat. Now that I am gone he has nearly vanished out of my life. This transitional time in my life has me longing for a familiar voice, a hug, reassurance, all which I had hoped he could give to me. He has already eluded that I want more than he can give. But I gave you my body, my sensuality, my intellect?
He has not returned my calls and texts (which I have stopped doing) which has left me in an emotional tailspin. And you better believe all the while he is out there living his life, doing what he does – the perpetual twenty one year old.
This post really has me wrapping my mind around what my sexual beliefs are, how important it is not to just give sex away to someone. Additionally, I am wondering why I seem to fall for these men who are the all of the same vein – uneducated & barely on their own. It’s like I am threatened or feel like I don’t deserve a man who knows how to take care of himself and doesn’t just want to sleep with me. Anyway, I digress….I can’t wait to read part 2.
Kathy,
Just like you I can totally relate to this post and your words also. You took the words right out of my mind. I’m 27 years old and growing up with a constant bombardment of sex in the media and also growing up with a less than stable and nurturing mother, I’ve come to observe I allow myself to be used by men in the subconscious quest for love and affection. I hate this. Even knowing this I struggle to figure out how to live by my true values…stupid, huh?
I just recently was dropped by my latest EUM. I want to strangle myself now looking back and seeing the red flags I refused to recognize. My intuition was screaming at me lol! He was a ball of contradictions and I was alway confused exactly where I stood on his priorty list. I guess I was hoping, like so many women here, that the longer I was with him and gave him great sex, he would finally see past my vagina and through to more meaningful aspects of me. I’m seriously dumbfounded how someone actually refuses themselves the opportunity to have a meaningful engagement with someone. After calling him on a lie he hasn’t since called, texted or facebooked me. Unbelievable. What a turd.
Anyway, with that said, I’m done hurting myself with my decisions. Ultimately, how I’m treated by others is up to me. I love this blog….thank you!
Everytime I read these posts I just wonder what could have drove me to treat myself so badly. Why on earth did I think it was ok to sleep with guys just because they gave me the time of the day? I know its because I didn’t love me enough, but why would anyone not love themselves?
I am sorry to say I have learned the hard way…I do not want to be devalued any longer…”There shouldn’t be an undertone to things, it shouldn’t be based on fear, coercion, or some intrinsic message that you owe someone a piece because they’re with you – you don’t need to be grateful for anyone’s interest. You deserve to be loved and cared about.”…this is what happened to me with the last AC I was with, he would constantly convince me to have sex with him, even though I knew I was not ready or I knew it was not right…he was not right for me, and then to get involved with someone very wrong for me, and then I would obsess over someone I never really wanted in the first place…how sick is that!! I am still hurt over the entire relationship of 8 months and in pain for my own foolishness and being used like I was, after he broke up with me. The shame is almost too much to bear sometimes.
Hang in there, So Long… I can totally relate to your post. It’s happened to me as well, only the relationship lasted a painful 4 years of on and off BS, lying on his part and obsessing on mine. It’s been 4 months since the final breakup and I am still processing the aftermath of having been so cruelly used. I’m still too afraid of dating again, terrified of ending up in the same situation with the same type of AC…
Had to return to this:
Ask yourself what your core 3-5 beliefs are about sex.
1. EVERYONE should be tested for STDs. I require it. My number is VERY low due to being a very late bloomer, but if my number increases in the future, I’d still require it.
2. Expect a wait of at least 60-90 days before being allowed to engage in sexual intercourse with me.
3. Not every man deserves to meet Susie. 😉 There will be a vetting process.
4. Sex does not equal love.
5. Being “sexually free” does not have to equal being a whore.
I had an interesting date with a man this past weekend and I thought about sexual values but personal values as well.
The conversation went like this:
he asked me: “have you lived for a long period of time with any of your boyfriends?” I said: “NO, I think I will consider living with a long term boyfriend if I was planning to get married”.
He made an expression of disagreement and said: ” I would definitely live with a girlfriend before getting married”
I said: “I understand you would like to know if that person is righ for you before getting married”.
He said: “yes, I want to know if that person is crazy while living with her before getting married and I know some people disagree and some are very passionate about not living in together before marriage”
I said: “I dont consider myself to be as passionate about it but it will definitely take a special someone for me to take that step. Obviously none of my long term relationships have worked out to get to that point so it hasnt made any difference if I have live in with them or not, in fact it has been better not to take that step after all”
I honestly think he was more dissapointed at the fact that he knew I wouldn’t consider “playing house”. In my view If this man was EA and interested for a real relationship at all he wouldn’t mind getting to know me and see where it leads first. Instead of writting me off because I wouldn’t consider living in together. After all I was actually doing him a favor not to be pushing to live in together and he’ld still get the sex!!! LOL
It all goes to personal values and they will stay in place until I find a man who accept them. I also wondered after all this conversation why was so important for him to know this on a first date? Could it be that he was looking to the benefits of a long term relationship without ever commiting for marriage? This is the impression that I got based on his reaction.
Moving On In 2010: it’s difficult to know who’s genuine or serpentine. 😐 However, if you continue reading posts on here and incorporate the advice on here into your life, you’ll be less likely to give that special part of yourself to an assclown. Although we’re no longer together, my 1st was a good guy and he waited almost 11 months. It IS possible, even if you’re not with the 1st forever. (We still talk from time to time – no sex or other intimacy. Again, it’s very rare but possible.)
Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT have to kiss Manu frogs before finding your prince. Whoever does that is a glutton for punishment. 😐
Sorry, MANY frogs.
You know what I totally fell of the wagon. He canceled Wet and Wild on me at the last minute and said he couldn’t handle to feelings he had for me and spend the whole day doing family outings so it would be best to do the weekend party on his own and didn’t think I should be there. So since it was his weekend I spent the holiday alone and when he came to drop them off after punishing me by leaving me out acting like he is trying to work on himself he mentioned he broke up with his girlfriend and he was not doing anything to put us in un healthy positions she and I even said we were proud of him. I guess he figured he would make it up to me by sleeping with me because I was venerable and lonely and of course that is acceptance and love to me because I don’t feel like I deserve better so I embraced it telling him how much I loved him. I cried the whole time after he left. I am beginning to think I am very sick.
I haven’t called him at all today, but I just don’t trust myself. I am sick over it. I did call my cousin to help her through a similar situation. I am still going to church tonite and I repented this morning and asked god to help me start over. I guess at this point that is all I can do.
What struck a cord with me in this post, “It could be the greatest sex on earth it doesn’t mean much if there is no solid relationship to back it up”…YES!–Dead on! I have to admit, my ex AC and I had a great chemistry between the two of us. However, as you said, without the solid relationship to back it up, at least on his part with the lying and cheating and lying some more. THAT one comment hit me so hard, I will never have to think about “what if” with him again,,,because there is no “what if’s” any longer. With out the solid relationship to back it up, all the greatest sex in the world isn’t worth it.