I asked the boyf recently if he had ever been one of those guys that many of you are all too familiar with that just wouldn’t stop creeping his way around an ex even though the relationship had ended. He looked at me blankly for a moment and admitted that once he had called a girl a few times after she had ended it with him because she felt things weren’t working. I asked why he’d been calling and he said that he thought that maybe with a bit of time she would have had a think through and reconsidered. I was like ‘Please tell me you weren’t one of those guys I write about being an assclown and try to weasel your way back in without anything to offer?! How long did this go on for?’ I demanded.
‘Oh, only a week or two!’ he said looking worried. ‘Is that wrong?!’
I felt so relieved you would not believe it!
‘Why did you stop calling her?’
‘Jesus Nat! – I do have my pride you know!’
It’s not that he hadn’t liked her – he had – but he recognised that something wasn’t right if she wanted out and wasn’t interested in getting back together, and that he’d rather be with someone who wanted him.
This made me realise how little pride Mr Unavailables and assclowns have because in spite of the reasons why they’ve been told to ‘step’, not only do they keep pestering you when you cut contact with them, but they pursue with nothing new to offer.
As seen in my last post about when Mr Unavailables and assclowns use ridiculous statements to justify their behaviour, many of them use the same lines over and over and over again, and we buy into them.
My mum used to say ‘Pride comes before a fall’, but there’s such a thing as having no pride and this is where we have to step in ourselves and draw a line. There has to be a pride line.
He may have no pride or very little, but you need to, otherwise you will engage in behaviour that will demean and even humiliate you at times, because you’re in a dynamic with someone where there are no boundaries and no sense of reality, either about themselves, relationships, or you.
Their lack of empathy and their disconnection from themselves means that when they come a calling yet again, they don’t think, ‘God, if I had any sense of pride about me, I’d leave her alone because it’d be embarrassing if she tells me to go and take a run and jump’.
They’re so focused on what’s potentially in it for them – an ego stroke/sex/shoulder to whine on (or all three) and they’re so reactive and in the moment, that they not only fail to consider the wider implications or the consequences, but they don’t consider your feelings or how this makes them look – like a desperate, chance taking guy.
There’s another reason though why they have no pride – because they think you don’t either.
This is why it’s important to recognise the importance of not only enforcing your boundaries, but ending it, and even cutting contact if you need to, because these are the first signs and the most meaningful ones, that these guys receive that let them know that actually, one of you has pride, and that’s you.
Often when we pursue them, whether it’s because they’ve started blowing lukewarm or cold on us, or because we’re panicking about the fact that we’re ending it, we chase the feeling with them and react to it, and potentially end up, at best, hurting ourselves and at it’s worst, eradicating our sense of self, and embarrassing or even humiliating ourselves at times because we no longer have a line to draw that says ‘Woah, hold up a fricking second now! Have you just lost your mind?!’
This is why so many women who are trying to get over being with Mr Unavailables and assclowns struggle is because they rationalise what they’re doing so that they can keep doing it, or recognise what they’re doing and feel so uncomfortable with it that they feel shamed and immobile.
I’ve had women email me about how they gave in and called/texted/emailed/sent a message in a bottle even though they hadn’t heard jack from him since things had ended, and that’s the ‘nice’ stuff.
There’s tales of turning up at the bar where they hang, at work, crying on their doorstep, begging them to come back, taking them back again and again no matter how badly he crosses the boundaries, being relegated to The Other Woman once or twice removed, and all sorts.
We can’t share an absence of pride with these guys – we have to step outside of the comfort zone created with these guys, grow our proverbial backbone and have some pride.
Much like how we choose men that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships, if we don’t have pride, they will feel okay to be shameless.
The unfortunate thing though is that as many of us can attest to, as these guys just don’t care and are so disconnected, they don’t recognise their lack of pride, but we do and get left with the pain and shame.
You have to drop them and their baggage and surround yourself with people who allow you to love yourself and act with dignity and a reasonable sense of pride – this is not these guys.
At some point, you have to say ‘Enough’ and draw a line – when will you be drawing yours?