It’s so easy to fall into that trap of just trying to manage needs and issues on your own, in your head, through your actions to you, and not actually involve anyone else, even when you need to. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explain that while we’re responsible for meeting our needs, we can’t and shouldn’t do it all on our own.

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5 key topics in this episode

• There’s nothing wrong with being self-reliant. But there’s doing things for yourself, and there’s doing things for yourself because you don’t want to put yourself in a vulnerable position. Without vulnerability, we can’t enjoy intimate relationships or meet our needs adequately. We don’t have to wait until we’re in crisis, till we’re on the verge of collapse, till we’re boiling over with anger to express or acknowledge our needs.
• Part of us ‘self-managing’ is about allowing us to rely on others in healthy ways. Aka trust and interdependence. In situations where someone who tends to avoid depending on others feels rattled by something, part of the taking action aspect is some form of vulnerability in articulating a need (verbally or through actions) or creating a boundary. The person who tends to avoid self-reliance needs to ask themselves what they need to be and do for themselves even if they are also going to engage others.
• Having needs doesn’t make us needy. Anxiety is a call for us to reassure ourselves and/or take action. And the doing piece, when we tend to try and do everything ourselves, often requires us to ask the question: What is it that I need to do elsewhere that will feed into supporting myself and meeting my needs? Yep, vulnerability.
• We mustn’t overcomplicate needs. After building something up in our head or letting our anxiety, worry and solo endeavours run rampant, invariably, the thing we were afraid to say or do was much smaller than any of that.
• Acknowledge the need. What is a situation telling you about what you need? Name the thing, ask the question, get the clarity, say ‘This isn’t working’, create the line. Do something.

Links mentioned

• Being over-responsible (ep 158)
• Giving up the role of being over-responsible
• My friend Karen Arthur
• I ‘Failed’, But I’m OK (ep 126)
• Asking for help (ep 6)
• What is intimacy? (ep 203)
• Four steps for being more assertive (ep 205 )
• Recognising gaslighting (ep 185)
• Code amber and red issues (ep 197)

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