One of the most frequent conversations I have with both friends and readers is about readiness for a relationship. They feel more than ready, often citing all the things they’ve done and wondering where the hell The One is. They’re understandably frustrated, especially because they often see what isn’t happening as a reflection of their lack of ’enoughness’. Sometimes they want a relationship so badly that by extension, they’re persistently reminding themselves that they don’t have it which gradually sucks the joy out of other areas of their lives.
Who, where and how we invest our time, energy, effort and emotions directly impacts our capacity for a relationship and/or the quality of relationship or type of partner we choose.
We don’t have an unlimited capacity, and so we have to tidy up and clear out. We have to make space for what matters.
For many of us humans though, we want to hoard old emotions, stories, exes, harmful habits and the like, while also acquiring other things, people and opportunities that might not fit with what’s piling up.
Here’s just a sample of some of the questions I’ve asked recently:
- If your parent/sibling is behaving like your substitute husband/wife or as if they’re the boss of you (and you’re going along with it) where does a healthy, loving partner fit into the mix?
- If you’ve felt pissed off, resentful, victimised, powerless, hurt and frustrated on a near consistent basis over an extended period of time, where does a healthy, loving partner fit into the mix?
- If you’re talking to your now-married ex a few times a week claiming that you’re “friends” while secretly being in love with him throughout all of your relationships over the last two decades, where does a healthy, loving partner fit into the mix?
The short answer is that it doesn’t.