The reason why we, for instance, don’t ask for what we need and want, or have boundaries, or express our feelings or flag discomfort, and why we engage in habits like people pleasing, is an underlying fear of being needy combined with also still trying to meet needs in messy ways. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I challenge our concept of ‘neediness’. Buckle up!
5 key topics in this episode
- ‘Needy’ is current and old unmet needs are driving expectations and anxiety while we’re ignoring reality and responsibility.
- When we’re in a situation where there’s a mismatch between our needs and someone else’s or the situation we’re engaging in, this is where there’s the potential for us to be perceived as ‘needy’. We think we’re ‘needy’ for wanting or needing more than the person or situation is prepared to give. We treat our feelings like an inconvenience instead of intel.
- If we keep finding ourselves in variations of the same situations, it’s because we keep trying to get (and avoid) the same thing. This ‘sameness’ comes from giving to get, and, of course, we feel resentful when we don’t actually get what we need.
- Our work habits are a prime example of how we treat our needs like an inconvenience while treating other people’s needs and stuff that doesn’t really matter as a priority. That’s why we hold our wees, skip lunches, dinner, sleep and hydrating. It’s why we don’t get up and stretch or get mad at us for running out of bandwidth. We behave as if we are a machine–and we’re not.
- Even though the way we go about meeting needs might not be the healthiest of ways, that doesn’t mean that the need in question is invalid. The issue is the approach, the method, the means, the deeds, not the needs.
- If we consistently feel our feelings and get in the habit of meeting our needs authentically and healthily, in an instance where we think we’re being needy or someone claims we are, we can ground ourselves, to get curious. What’s that all about? What’s going on here? Is that really true?
- Our dog, Chester, is a ‘needy’ breed (ep 2)
- Our experience of someone may differ due to context (ep 224)
- I am anxious about something (ep 210)
- Overused word alert: needy
- You’re not needy, impatient or pushy for wanting more than an unfulfilling relationship
- There’s no shame in having needs (ep 149)
- Stop shaming you for having needs
- Needs and wants are not about being worthy and deserving
- Needs and Gary Chapman’s Love Languages (ep 117)
- Play roles in our interpersonal relationships (ep 128)
- People pleasing and Inconvenience
- The self-sabotage of people pleasing, perfectionism, overgiving, overthinking and over-responsibility (ep 194)
Subscribe and/or leave a review on Apple Podcasts (how-to guide here). It really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.
Ready to reclaim yourself from the cycle of people pleasing and any patterns that reinforce feelings of low self-worth? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.