Shaming ourselves for having needs is like shaming ourselves for breathing. Our needs are integral to our sense of wellbeing, and so in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into what needs are, signs that they’re not being met, and why we can’t outsource our needs to everyone else.
Shaming us about having needs is like shaming us about breathing.
All of us have the same needs, just to varying degrees. Our backstory, personality, characteristics, resources, circumstances and level of abundance affect determine which needs are more pressing.
Emotional needs: how well our needs are being met are reflected in our sense of being.
You are your primary caregiver. You meet your needs via the way you treat and regard you, as well as with the choices you’re making.
Many people see needs as something that we ‘get’ from people. This is how we get into ‘get mode’: treating people like a means to an end.
Emotional needs — certain things that we need to be, do and have in order to sustain ourselves and thrive.
If we ignore our feelings, we’re ignoring our needs. We’re ignoring vital information that communicates how to take care of ourselves and what’s going on in our inner world.
All of our needs filter back to our fundamental necessity to live our lives from a place of love, care, trust and respect.
How do you know if your needs are being met whether it’s you or with someone else? You feel safe, happy, content, calm, loved, alert, grateful, and basically lots of restorative feelings.
How do you know if your needs are not being met? You feel anxious, sad, resentful, fearful, angry, frustrated, tired, lonely and possibly other emotions specifically related to the need.
If you’re spending your time, energy, efforts and emotions with people who you share core values with, you experience compatibility. Your emotional needs being met.
If we don’t share core values where it counts, our emotional needs will not be met.
When we’re in ‘get’ or ‘avoid’ mode, we’re often prepared to allow ourselves to be used if it means that we will get what we want out of the situation. And, of course, when we don’t, we feel shortchanged, resentful, etc.
Utilising self-knowledge and self-awareness is crucial. When we experience feelings, we can feel them out to get a sense of their clues and also use emotional intelligence from having paid attention to us in the past.
People pleasing is our covert attempt to meet our emotional needs.
Instead of being direct, we people-please by being a Good Girl/Good Boy in the hopes that the person will feel obliged to give us what we need.
We attach ourselves to narcissists because we’re trying to catch self-worth.
When one or a few needs eclipse all others, you will get out of alignment. You will, ironically, neglect your need.
We can’t feel safe and secure and have a sense of belonging around people that we feel as if we’re continuously lying to in some way, shape or form.
When we’re intense about our needs, it’s because, on some level, we sense that this person or relationship can’t meet our needs. Or, we’re not being honest about who we are and what we need, or we’re trying to take a shortcut.
Our relationships offer a window into understanding our needs.
If you accept a relationship or situation that’s at a lesser standard than what you need, you are going to feel hungry and unfulfilled.
You’re only going to feel like a ‘drama queen’ if you keep going against yourself or acting out to let people know that you have needs.
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At some point in my life I was in a desperate need of a relationship because I felt like a misfit in my traditional society where the majority of women are facing pressure to get married by a certain age.
Every time I met a man that seemed to be a good husband material, I switched into my usual auditioning mode trying my best to please him by adopting his habits and interests and ignoring my own. For instance, I love pets but I used to deny my passion for these wonderful creatures if my boyfriend happened to dislike them.
I avoided asking direct questions about whether he was seeing other women because I thought it might hurt his feelings etc.
As a result, I ended up in emotionally devastating relationships where my needs were completely ignored. I felt so shortchanged and kept on asking myself ‘where did I go wrong?’
Now I know the answer.
‘If you accept a relationship or situation that’s at a lesser standard than what you need, you are going to feel hungry and unfulfilled.’
NATALIE
on 28/08/2019 at 3:16 pm
Thanks for sharing this, Marisha. I think that societal pressure has a lot to answer for. It’s so important to your current and future sense of wellbeing as well as your relationship prospects that you have recognised where you were offloading your authentic self to win over a guy that wasn’t right for you anyway.
Maya Chung
on 11/09/2019 at 2:18 pm
I listened to this but I still think there is a blurry line between what’s an acceptable need or an excessive need (trying to fill a void we need to fill ourselves.) For example, if I am dating a guy I haven’t seen in two weeks. That’s not cool with me. How do I know if that’s a reasonable need?
NATALIE
on 11/09/2019 at 4:20 pm
Hi Maya, while the situation certainly reflects certain needs (attention, affection, quality time, care, consistency, etc.), that specific issue you mention is not about needs per se but values and boundaries. If you want to be in a relationship where you make time for each other and consistently spend time together (this speaks for your relationship values), you need to ask why you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share those values? If you are in that relationship but haven’t addressed that, it’s you who isn’t honouring your values, boundaries and, indeed, your needs. You are perfectly within your rights to want a different type of relationship to what you are in, but he’s also perfectly within his rights to pursue a relationship that matches his need for lesser time with a partner – just not with you.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2025, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
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At some point in my life I was in a desperate need of a relationship because I felt like a misfit in my traditional society where the majority of women are facing pressure to get married by a certain age.
Every time I met a man that seemed to be a good husband material, I switched into my usual auditioning mode trying my best to please him by adopting his habits and interests and ignoring my own. For instance, I love pets but I used to deny my passion for these wonderful creatures if my boyfriend happened to dislike them.
I avoided asking direct questions about whether he was seeing other women because I thought it might hurt his feelings etc.
As a result, I ended up in emotionally devastating relationships where my needs were completely ignored. I felt so shortchanged and kept on asking myself ‘where did I go wrong?’
Now I know the answer.
‘If you accept a relationship or situation that’s at a lesser standard than what you need, you are going to feel hungry and unfulfilled.’
Thanks for sharing this, Marisha. I think that societal pressure has a lot to answer for. It’s so important to your current and future sense of wellbeing as well as your relationship prospects that you have recognised where you were offloading your authentic self to win over a guy that wasn’t right for you anyway.
I listened to this but I still think there is a blurry line between what’s an acceptable need or an excessive need (trying to fill a void we need to fill ourselves.) For example, if I am dating a guy I haven’t seen in two weeks. That’s not cool with me. How do I know if that’s a reasonable need?
Hi Maya, while the situation certainly reflects certain needs (attention, affection, quality time, care, consistency, etc.), that specific issue you mention is not about needs per se but values and boundaries. If you want to be in a relationship where you make time for each other and consistently spend time together (this speaks for your relationship values), you need to ask why you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share those values? If you are in that relationship but haven’t addressed that, it’s you who isn’t honouring your values, boundaries and, indeed, your needs. You are perfectly within your rights to want a different type of relationship to what you are in, but he’s also perfectly within his rights to pursue a relationship that matches his need for lesser time with a partner – just not with you.