Shaming ourselves for having needs is like shaming ourselves for breathing. Our needs are integral to our sense of wellbeing, and so in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into what needs are, signs that they’re not being met, and why we can’t outsource our needs to everyone else.

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Some nuggets from the episode:

• Shaming us about having needs is like shaming us about breathing.
• All of us have the same needs, just to varying degrees. Our backstory, personality, characteristics, resources, circumstances and level of abundance affect determine which needs are more pressing.
• Emotional needs: how well our needs are being met are reflected in our sense of being.

You are your primary caregiver. You meet your needs via the way you treat and regard you, as well as with the choices you’re making. 

• Many people see needs as something that we ‘get’ from people. This is how we get into ‘get mode’: treating people like a means to an end. 
• Emotional needs — certain things that we need to be, do and have in order to sustain ourselves and thrive.
• If we ignore our feelings, we’re ignoring our needs. We’re ignoring vital information that communicates how to take care of ourselves and what’s going on in our inner world. 

All of our needs filter back to our fundamental necessity to live our lives from a place of love, care, trust and respect. 

• How do you know if your needs are being met whether it’s you or with someone else? You feel safe, happy, content, calm, loved, alert, grateful, and basically lots of restorative feelings.
• How do you know if your needs are not being met? You feel anxious, sad, resentful, fearful, angry, frustrated, tired, lonely and possibly other emotions specifically related to the need.
• If you’re spending your time, energy, efforts and emotions with people who you share core values with, you experience compatibility. Your emotional needs being met. 

If we don’t share core values where it counts, our emotional needs will not be met. 

• When we’re in ‘get’ or ‘avoid’ mode, we’re often prepared to allow ourselves to be used if it means that we will get what we want out of the situation. And, of course, when we don’t, we feel shortchanged, resentful, etc. 
• Utilising self-knowledge and self-awareness is crucial. When we experience feelings, we can feel them out to get a sense of their clues and also use emotional intelligence from having paid attention to us in the past. 

People pleasing is our covert attempt to meet our emotional needs.

• Instead of being direct, we people-please by being a Good Girl/Good Boy in the hopes that the person will feel obliged to give us what we need. 
• We attach ourselves to narcissists because we’re trying to catch self-worth.
• When one or a few needs eclipse all others, you will get out of alignment. You will, ironically, neglect your need. 
• We can’t feel safe and secure and have a sense of belonging around people that we feel as if we’re continuously lying to in some way, shape or form.
• When we’re intense about our needs, it’s because, on some level, we sense that this person or relationship can’t meet our needs. Or, we’re not being honest about who we are and what we need, or we’re trying to take a shortcut.

Our relationships offer a window into understanding our needs.

• If you accept a relationship or situation that’s at a lesser standard than what you need, you are going to feel hungry and unfulfilled.
• You’re only going to feel like a ‘drama queen’ if you keep going against yourself or acting out to let people know that you have needs.

Links mentioned

• What’s the baggage behind it?
• The truth about narcissists

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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Nat xxx

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