In part one, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection is tied to our self-esteem and that our sense of rejection is compounded by the fact that we engage in a self-fulfilling prophecy of choosing partners that reflect our fears and negative beliefs, which in turn, when we habitually engage with these types of men, sets us up for rejection. We are often, in fact, engaging in behaviour which causes us to reject ourselves.
There is also a pervasive feeling of disbelief that accompanies this sense of rejection, and this stems from the fact that you can’t believe that this guy who you recognise is unworthy of you and a waste of time, doesn’t want someone ‘like you’. You know you’re better than this–the drama, the ambiguity, the men who cannot and will not recognise your value–yet you persist, because there is a conflict.
In having some negative beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships, you place too much stock in the surface stuff, and not enough in the character, the values, the building of a foundation, which makes it all too easy to live a life in illusion and take up with poor partners.
This means that when you talk about yourself, you can easily reel off about how you’re smart, funny, kind, generous to a fault, attractive, skinny, curvy, sexy, a man magnate, financially independent, own your own home, highly educated and blah blah blah.
But they are surface things and when it comes to character, value, substance, women who persist in the self-fulfilling prophecy and wonder why these chumps don’t want them while chasing them for validation, believe that there is something unlovable about them.
In fact, the problem with being involved with Mr Unavailables and assclowns, is that we develop a nasty habit of assuming that if something is wrong in the relationship or it fails, it must be something we ‘did’ and we assume all of the responsibility for trying to make the relationship a success.
I have come across countless women through this site who have talked about how smart, funny, educated, financially independent, attractive they are and all that jazz and how they can’t believe that the ex con/the guy who was nothing before her/the broken man with a litany of problems/the guy who kept using One Time in Bandcamp stories of being let down by a woman/the habitually jobless guy/the 40 year old that lives with his mum/the 50 year old that lives with his mum/the flip flapper/the guy who is dating several women/the cheat/the beater/the narcissist, the sex addict and the list rolls on, doesn’t want her.
Are you really that surprised that a man who is disconnected from his emotions and dodging the commitment bullet and/or totally lacking of character and values, doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who will ‘expect’ from him?
As always, this is about failure to look at the bigger picture and also focusing on him instead of focusing on you.
Instead of wondering why the hell this guy doesn’t want you, you should be asking yourself why the hell you want him and why you want him to want you!
From the moment that someone decides that they no longer want you or that they no longer value you or the relationship enough to want to try and they make the decision to opt out, you need to start working towards not wanting them either.
Wanting people that don’t want you, nevermind respect, value, love, or care about you, is a surefire sign that you have lost your way.
While many fall in love, develop crushes, having healthier levels of self-esteem and boundaries would mean that reality would kick in pretty sharpish because you’d recognise the futility and the lucky escape, and instead of wondering why this person doesn’t want you and obsessing about it, you’d realise this person doesn’t want you and use that to move on to someone that does.
When a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting:
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
This is not about you – if he is a Mr Unavailable or assclown, he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.
If you are happy to be in a relationship where he doesn’t do these things, then knock yourself out, but the likelihood is that you would not be able to cope with being involved with someone like this.
Often when they stick with another woman, she’s someone who is more accommodating of his crap. Even if she’s not more accommodating per se, he has 1) learned how to passive aggressively circumvent her so he can do exactly what he pleases and 2) she is ‘useful’ – never forget how much of a user these guys are.
Would you rather he stuck with you and did what he was going to do anyway? Because you know that these guys only operate on their terms so it’s their way or take a run and jump!
Would you rather he kept you because he could use you at will? Get a bigger job at your family’s company, milk your bank account, use you for an easy shag and ego stroke, use you as a beard…
You’re too busy feeling the pain of your own bruised ego that you have lost sight of reality.
You can’t get over the ‘relationship’ ending if you don’t process the reality of it so that you can move forward.
If you feel ‘rejected’ by one of these clowns, you have turned the end of the relationship inward and projected their behaviour onto you.
You’ve then got stuck on an illusion, a fantasy.
You want this guy to recognise your value so that you don’t get to feel bad anymore and you can validate yourself.
I’m not even convinced that you truly want him; you just need him to want you.
In fact, you are struggling with the fact that things are out of your control.
This is not unusual; when most people are not the ones to bring about the end of a relationship, or the one in the driving seat of things, it can be really bewildering and more difficult to comprehend.
Much of the dynamic between you and these guys is reliant upon you choosing someone who while he can make you feel like the centre of his universe when it suits him, he more often than not has you working hard for his crumbs, so it all becomes about extracting a relationship and validation from him in a midst of drama, ambiguity, and perpetual disappointment.
If he had wanted you as much as you claim to want him to want you, you probably would have lost interest….
A positive woman with healthier levels of self-esteem has more positive relationships. When guys like this don’t recognise her value, respect her boundaries, and treat her as a woman of value, showing due respect, love, care, trust with both feet in the relationship, she opts out of the dynamic, and switches her focus back to her, and redirects her energy to people and situations that add positively to her, not detract from it.
This is not about giving yourself a hard time; this is about giving yourself permission to let go.
Holding on to a sense of rejection will ensure that you don’t move on, that you stay out of reality, and that when you do decide to move on, it’ll likely be with another Mr Unavailable or assclown.
You can’t always tell someone is bad news the moment that you meet them, but if you do put both of your feet in reality and stop reminiscing about a brief show of good behaviour in the past and projecting this into your fantasy of future behaviour, the reality will make you rise up and recognise that you are rejecting them because Mr Unavailables operate on their terms only, and that does not work for you, so it can’t work for him.
Mr Unavailables and assclowns have a nasty habit of trying to come back so when they ‘reject’ you, they are lining you up for future ‘rejection’ because they can’t commit to being with you, and they can’t commit to not being with you.
More importantly, Mr Unavailables and assclowns return to throw some more pain in your direction because they know you can’t have that much respect, love, care, or concern for yourself when you were involved with them and professed to love them, so they assume that until you prove otherwise, you’re there for the rejection ride.
Relationships require you to want, need, and expect, and you do these things with men who run or treat you like sh*t, the moment you want, need, or expect anything from them.
If you want to stop feeling rejected by assclowns and Mr Unavailables, start rejecting poor behaviour and opting out of dangerous relationships that take blows at your sense of self and self-esteem.
Remember the list of things (see above) that this guy doesn’t want to do and realise that this is not about you; he’s going to do what he’s going to do anyway. Even if you stay on for another few weeks, months, or years, it’s still going to play out in a rather unpleasant way. It’s just like taking a longer route to pain.
Part 3, the final part to follow in the next couple of days. For help with self-esteem, try:
How I learned to love myself part one and two
Don’t indulge in the blame and shame game
Coulda, woulda, shoulda – Could my relationship have been different?
Your thoughts?
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That list is so true! It really makes sense, and helps the “rejection” feel less personal.
I don’t know what to say…except, WHAT have I been doing!?
Thanks for your tremendous insight. It’s so true. And so sad. But I’m starting today, and looking forward to tomorrow! And it really helps to turn to this website for a little reality and support when I’m just not wanting to accept what’s in front of me and instead keep trying to morph my EUM into a wonderful human being. When all I need to do is stop, and turn around, and give myself the love that I’m so desperately trying to give…and therefore receive (?) from him.
Thank you!
This is a seriously awesome post, NML – you hit on so many important points here.
First : the thinking that what you have going for you is what matters. And focusing on the wrong things – i.e. having a great job, being sweet, sexy, etc. – very much take second place to having self-esteem and self-respect. The first matter little if the second don’t exist in any meaningful degree.
Second : blaming it all on ourselves is a way to avoid looking at HIM clearly – and also to avoid seeing ourselves clearly.
It is obsessing to a degree, rather than clear seeing that it takes two to have a problem, one person doing something and the other person reacting.
It doesn’t happen in a void.
It can’t be ALL your fault, and letting him off the hook for his part of the responsibility just keeps you from seeing clearly why things happenned at each step of the relationship..
Third : the flip side of blaming it all on ourselves is : the ego blow of how could that loser/assclown not want ME the fabulous person with so much to offer ?!?
Yet if you look at it clearly, he doesn’t think the way you think, doesn’t fewel the way you feel, doesn’t see you the way you want to be seen, doesn’t have the same dreams for you that you have for him – so how COULD he want you ?
You are two totally different people with two totally different agendas – you have nothing in common !
And listing all the things you like to do that are similar is meaningless when your values and mindset are not similar.
It doesdn’t matter if he likes rock music, bicycle riding, little children, and is a night person who believes in astrology – IF HE isn’t emotionally available FOR YOU , plays head games in communicating with you, is willing to break promises TO YOU, okay with disappointing YOU, etc., etc.
Fourth : He is indeed rejecting being a loving, caring, sharing person by your descriptions, NML. He will NOT be different with someone else – he will behave the same way with her eventually, you just won’t see it !
Look at the musician/actor (?) John Mayer or George Clooney for example – player, player, player ! Wouldn’t matter if a great woman came along, he isn’t interested in anything but pretending to be intimate before he runs away, even if it takes a year !
Look at his history – it matters !
SAYING he wants love or committment does not mean he does – it’s just talk unless his actions back it up, over and over again, day after week after month after year WITH YOU !!!
Of course he doesn’t want to be responsibile for giving you what you want ! It’s too much work, and he’d rather find someone new to lie to, and play games with and blow hot/cold, manage expectations down, etc….-
It’s kind of like expecting an alcoholic to WANT to be with a sober person. Not going to happen ! The alcoholic does not want to change evrything about them to suit you —
Fifth : It’s really about being stuck in illusion and being unwilling to let go… so true ! you have to look at why you refuse to change either your image of him -and your image of yourself/your own habit patterns/thinking/choices…
It really boils down to self-esteem. You MUST want to have it, you MUST be willing to stop choosing pain and the men that come with it.
If you had healthy boundaries and healthy self-esteem and you met your assclown all over again, you’d dump him quickly !
The b.s. he pulls wouldn’t baffle you, intrigue you, put you in knots or anxiety or make you cry.
You’d know that you weren’t impressed with bad behavior, you’d know it was bad behavior and thus unacceptable – and you wouldn’t for more than one second even bother wondering what he thought of you.
No, you’d know YOU aren’t attracted to being hurt, used, disrespected, ignored, disappointed, strung along, etc.
You’d know that you liked yourself – you’d know that you DO treat yourself as well as you treat your best friends (or want them to be treated.)
You wouldn’t make excuses for meannes in order to hang onto a man who in brutal reality couldn’t care less about your heartbreak.
He can’t treat you like crap unless you show up for it. YOU have the power to decide to walk away, stop taking his calls, don’t respond to e-mails or texts, etc., etc
It isn’t up to him. It’s up to you to decide if you like yourself more than you like fantasizing….
Loving Annie’s last blog post..Be Back Soon
Thank you so uch for this post. It has come at such a good time for me. I split up with my ex 6 months ago but i’m still struggling to get over it. I know on so many levels that he is wrong for me and that I can find someone who love me completely and is open to giving and caring for someone else but at the same time I can not seem to let go of how he ‘can be’. I was so happy with him, he gave me all I wanted at many times and so it’s so difficult to understand why it has all changed. I know that a lot of this is not to with me, that he has many many of his own “issues” that I feel wuld be there with someone else . (his divorce, access to child etc) but there’s still a real part of me that thinks that mabe he could give all tht I longed for to someone else, someone less needy and isecure. Maybe it really is just me? I know he has treated me badly, I know I deserve better but I still love and miss him desperately. Why?! How do I make it stop?! Am feeling so low and desperate. The trouble is I still work with him. I’m happy there apart from seeing him. I’m too scared and cowardly if I’m honest to move away. But it’s so hard seeing him being friends, having fun with other people. Even before we were together we were so close, best friends, and I miss him so much. It kills me that everyone else gets to enoy this lovely side of him, because he really is a nice guy. Maybe he just had a shitty time and it was wrong timing? It’s so hard because on one hand my friends are telling me he’s not right for me, that he’s messy and ha messed me around and hurt me but then 2 minutes later they are laughing and joking with him, so really is he that bad a guy?! I jsut can’t move on, I want him back, even though I know I shouldn’t, help!!
Excellent Post! The most to the point for me! Yes of course he did not want anyone to expect anything from him thats why at 48 he has never been married, never had kids, and has a crappy relationship with his mother. I am now much smarter when I meet someone like this he wants no responsibility. It’s his way or no way.
I am so grateful that I am not the woman he ended up with for you are so right she takes his crap much easier than I would have. It nearly killed me to take what I did… who he ends up with – if he ends up with anyone has to be pretty beaten up to accept him.
“Much of the dynamic between you and these guys is reliant upon you choosing someone who whilst he can make you feel like the centre of his universe when it suits him, he more often than not has you working hard for his crumbs, so it all becomes about extracting a relationship and validation from him in a midst of drama, ambiguity, and perpetual disappointment”
Could not have put this better myself! wow! my ex EUM had me working for crumbs, even now he throws a crumb @ me every couple of months and then disappears, I can not wait to be rid of all the heartache he has put me thru!! fantastic post..
One time I was trying to make conversation with my now exEUM while he continued to study the television and I thought: You don´t even know who I am because you never want to talk to me, so how can you reject me beforehand?
I see now. It isn´t personal.. Thank you NML!
We Ms Unavailable’s need a OTIBC (One Time in Band Camp) Wall.
One time, after sex, I asked my EUM to spoon with me, and he said to me, very irritated, “Can’t you just take what you can get right now?”
Wow. It was pretttty hard to romanticize that one, or explain it away. Pretty flipping obvious.
WOW. so true, every word. you have outdone yourself NML!! can’t begin to tell you how much this helps!! Thanks to you and everyone else who posts… I also just started reading a really helpful book. Emotional Unavailability:Recognizing It, Understanding It and Avoiding its Traps. by Bryn Collins so far lots of great info from all sides, cant wait for how to lose an assclown and future posts!! this is really making a difference and i tell a new person about this site every day, the scope of this behavior is a downright tragedy, Im working on being happy alone while I heal.. never been in a healthy relationship. ever.
best to all…..
We Ms Unavailable’s need a OTIBC (One Time in Band Camp) Wall.
One time, after sex, I asked my EUM to spoon with me, and he said to me, very irritated, “Can’t you just take what you can get right now?â€
Wow. It was pretttty hard to romanticize that one, or explain it away. Pretty flipping obvious.
~Sorry, thought of something else and I just HAD to post it. When he said that to me, of course I was hurt! And I turned away…and metaphorically gave my heart a little hug – haven’t slept with him since, mostly cuz he’s pursuing someone else, but I digress (-: What I remember now is that a little piece of me, the piece that just couldn’t handle the hurt, thought, he said, “right now,” so that means it could change in the future when he’s ready. Oh. Oh! How horrible is that!?
Stunning post, I almost feel like you are giving me answers to questions I am dealing with in the now!… I go through something with EUM and a minute later I check this site and Bam there you are, giving me the soothing medicine I need to reflect his behaviour back to him where it belongs. Thankyou.
peace
This is the BEST POST yet! I really needed this information. So many of the points just took my breath away. That is exactly what I have been dealing with, trying to understand why the AC doesn’t want ME??? This AC actually pursued me for 4 years!!! I was certain without a doubt that since he “loved” me for 4 years!!! it was all REAL. WOW was I wrong. He went on and on about he was in awe of me and who I am, I am everything his wife is not, blah, blah, blah. I fell for it hook, line and sinker… Oh he had me for a few months but tired real quickly of my expectation to be treated appropriately, kindly, with the truth, actions to back up his words, etc. He tired of that real quick. My problem is that he led me to believe he wanted a committed relationship, when in fact he didn’t. He is not capable of love, feelings, etc. because he is a shell with no heart or remorse.
I have been totally stuck trying to figure out why he doesn’t want ME and feeling so rejected, I ask myself why I want him, and I just don’t know. I am in love with him… On the other hand, wanting someone that doesn’t want me doesn’t just stop my wanting…because we both wanted each other and HE decided one day he didn’t want me and disappeared. My love and desire and wanting just kept going on. That is what is so hard. I have had a hard time looking at it as a lucky escape even though I know that is true, I just can’t get my heart to follow my brain.having to love. These were the key ones with my assclown:
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
OOPS that was ALL OF THEM. And in reading this, I realize that he didn’t do any of these things for me. I did ALL of these things for HIM. By the end of our relationship, I was losing my mind thinking I was the bitchy crazy high maintenance person because I had to ASK for some of these things. He had me so wrapped up thinking that I was too demanding of him to be just generally kind in how he speaked to me and treated me. He didn’t value me as a person or who I am AT ALL. He wanted me to be mute, no thoughts, no brain, no submitting my opinions, nothing. He didn’t want any of it, even though he led me to believe that he did.
And I know why he sticks with his wife. She is so beat down from HIM she just takes it and he uses her to support his lazy ass so he can’t leave her.
The biggest statement to me in the post is” You want this guy to recognise your value so that you don’t get to feel bad anymore and you can validate yourself.
That is exactly how I have been feeling for soooo long. I have prayed for him to contact me so that I can have the upper hand again…But in my case I do truly want him (the way he was when he was pursuing me and the person he led me to believe he was before he turned into Jekyll. I totally felt I had to take his crumbs, because that is all he would give me, it was settle for that or nothing. And now I am left feeling so rejected, I would love nothing more than a little validation to let me know “it wasn’t me” like he said he it wasn’t. But his actions speak as though it was because he has had no desire or made no attempt at contact.
OK, just had to add my WOW to those already here. So to the point and heart of the matter (in my case at least). My AC, who turned out to be married, was a former high school sweetheart. Broke my heart back then. Said he missed, longed, for me, regretted not ”finding” me sooner (hello, internet??), and a host of other b.s. stuff….BUT said when the ”time was right” he was leaving his wife. (that was 4 years ago) time still not right. Turned out he had another woman on the side…now she’s out of his life too….he’ll be moving on if he hasn’t already. Wife, well I don’t know if she knows or cares…he has $$ and that may be enough for her to turn a blind-eye to his hyjinks. Probably part of the reason he’s not leaving too (having to divide property).
Thanks to you NML I’m moving on 2 months no contact. And this post is so so helpful. I ,like many here, come to your site to sustain myself and get strength.
Deep thanks to you and all who take the time to post. Blessings and love.
Natalie- It sounds like we were with the same EUM except mine was more of an assclown really. Broke up with me because of all his “divorce and kids issues he didnt want to drag me into” in other words I have met someone else I want to have sex with. So he wanted me to go from being a GF ( something he had started calling me i never asked for it) to what basically amounted to an afternoon booty call. LIke NML has said in many a post here many assclowns have some redeeming qualities and just because he is nice to some people or was nice to you all that matters in the present and how he has decided to treat you at this moment. They are little emotionally challenged man boys and once you start sleeping with them it brings out emotion, somthing they can;’t handle. So que the panic button. I am on day 11 since I told him I did not want any contact. He has tried a few times but I held firm. I am very proud of myself but yes it HURTS HURTS HURTS I have dreams about him every night and think about him and the good times constantly. Part of me wants him to come back and just apologise for pissing all over my feelings and part of me is just glad that he is not making this harder than it already is by just staying away. I know its hard when you have to work with him it must really be prlonging the healing. Just try to remember how much he hurt you and that he would only continue to do so if he were to try to come back. Good luck
The rejection is what I am having such a hard time with. He pursued me, I was married, he wasn’t. He got me, had me for a year, I left my husband and he decided he didn’t want to be in a committed relationship. WOW. Now he wants to be “friends” I tried but I just keep feeling his rejection everyday. Why do I feel he rejected me? I am so much better then him, he is 10 years younger, not a good job, been in trouble with the law, has crappy car, crappy apartment. Not a pot to piss in. Why do I let this bother me so much that he rejected me?? Reading these posts help so much. It’s like you wrote them for me about him specifally. The really sad part is, there are so many of the assclowns around and so many of us that have to live through this that there is so much well written and understood info about it. Thanks for helping me when I needed it!!!!
Truly, this is a great post. I’m curious about men who are fully self-aware and forthcoming that they possess these qualities, don’t want to hurt us by failing at a commitment and so want to be “friends,” though they are no more capable of being a friend. NML, you mentioned in a previous post that these “self-aware” types do get many women–why!!? Why is this?
It seems that by acknowledging this failure to be able to provide on any real level, they are somehow letting us in and keeping us around, showing their hand in a way that makes us feel privileged and empathetic. They illuminate their own potential by making themselves out to be fragile and even on the path to change, rather than insensitive and possessing the characteristics you list above.
:::::thank you:::
Miserable Love,
3 months ago, I could have written your post. It always amazes me how people like us who don’t even know each other are living through the exact scenarios… Now, another 3 months later, I don’t really care so much about the guy anymore. The painful, agonizing, trying to get through it part is finally near its end. I still let my mind go back once-in-awhile, but now I am able to see the bad things and not just think about the sometimes good things we shared, and it keeps me strong.
Keep on keepin’ on.
This truly is one of the best posts I’ve ever read.
NML, you mentioned in a previous post that these “self-aware†types do get many women–why!!? Why is this?
I think they get women, and us, because, as NML mentioned in her e-book, their disclosures appeal to our empathetic and competitive sides. We want to be the woman that they can open up to and be themselves with (by not asking for too much) and the woman that can change or reform them with our fabulousness and unconditional love (an extreme boost to our egos!). It almost becomes a ploy – men know this works on women. Bah!
Each time I read a post I feel better and better. Reading the logical, rational truth is soothing. The crazy emotions are calming down and going away. The AC “friend” I knew once said something about relationships being complicated. I thought he meant “romantic relationships” but after reading this article, I realize in his miserly world, it’s the whole long list (having to communicate, having to be emotionally available, having to care, etc.) that is too much for him.
I realize now he didn’t reject ME, he rejected caring, communication, etc. But it’s up to ME to let go and stop allowing it to wound me.
“he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.” After less than 3 months together, he has broken it off his 5th “relationship” this year. I don’t think he had any more use for her. His behavior is not not not about ME.
But still, I need to let it go.
What I am having a problem understanding is- if an eum is married he has given all these things to his wife so how can I take his rejection personally? Everyone keeps telling me he is still eum althought he is married but it is hard not to think that i am not good enough, that it is just me that he is rejecting.
Wow, NML – a really great post. You cant say this stuff too many times to someone who feels “stuck”. The AC that I went out with for so long was such a reflection of how I felt about myself. I’m still working on it – I’m still getting over it. The Rejection. But your list … I should keep it on my fridge! It is the ABsolute truth!
It’s taken me a long, long time to get to this point. The ‘I give up’ point. He is who he is and no matter what I do, he will never change from the selfish, immature boy that he is. 😉 Not for me, not for anybody.
We all get to our “I’ve had it!” points at our own pace. Mine came just a week ago. I was wasting my breath trying to “explain” how our “relationship” could not go on if he kept trampling on my “feelings”. I was only talking about our ‘friendship’. He took it in an Assclown’s way: explain, relationship, feelings = she thinks we are dating.
I never got to say much, he was going off like I didnt know what I was talking about … then he said, “blah, blah, blah … we are not a couple.”
That is what did it. I hung up. He said the words I’d heard a million times before. It’s the truth. We are not a couple. We are not friends. We are Nothing. We are nothing at all. Time to let him be right all by himself. Time for me to finally heal.
🙂 Ladies, we deserve so much better from ourselves!
leeanne … think about it from his wife’s point of view. Isnt she being rejected as well? Even worse, he pretended to make a committment to her. You have the benefit of seeing how little he thinks of the woman he married. Would you want to be her? Run while you can!
“You cant say this stuff too many times to someone who feels “stuckâ€.
That is so true. And maybe, each post will speak to certain ears. This one really resonated with me, and came at just the right time. Thanks so much. I’m grieving the loss of my EUM, while still having some contact with him actually – NOT sexual. I’m not sad, or scared anymore, what I feel now is acceptance. I accept that he doesn’t want a relationship with me and probably never did. I accept that I can move on from this a better person, but he probably won’t. And I’m sad for him.
Annied,
I am so so sorry to read your post, ouch!! Good that you are deflecting it and sending it back to him, yes he is rejecting himself from you…keep your protective shield up. I truly do belive ex’s should never make it into the friend box until you have completely and utterly healed and you don’t care if they are in your life or out of it. Then see if they want to be your friend. Yes you deserve a better friend than that, imagine if a girlfriend said that,’ we are nothing’, fine goodbye is what I say and it would sting for a minute then I would look up the friends who have truly proved themselves worthy of my friendship and are there for me on all levels, balanced with no drama just kind support and love.
xxx strength.
Lisa,
I wish I further along in the healing process like you. Where can I read your whole story? My whole story is also posted on other blogs. I am not sure if you have to see your AC every day, but if you do, how do you cope with that and how it relates to your healing??? My AC lives two doors down from my home….This has been the biggest nightmare of my life….and is way more complicated…..I would love any feedback or insights you have had, as they may help us all. ( By the way, within the week of “cutting me off”, he was seeing the woman across the street). Well that just makes for more fun and excitement in the hood…..I especially enjoy having to see them together…. : {
This article is me…
I have just returned from making a huge mistake which I have to take responsibility for..
I chased him up I suggested we meet up.. The novel feeling and the elation of finally waking up and booting him out of my life had diminshed and no he wasn’t chasing me he had rang once and said he would ring again but I didn’t want to take the chance of him not following through so I jumped in and took that reponsilbility from him..
So today we met for lunch and yes it was disappointing he kept checking his watch as if he just wanted it all to be over and at the end he just said let me know when you are in town again…
So ouch to me. I think I lost sight of reality I lost sight of how my life was functioning without him, I lost sight of how much better I was feeling without him. To be brutally honest I think I wanted him to want me again which again is not realistic partly because he never wanted me in the first place and partly because he has moved on long long ago… hopefully this time as my mum says I hope you learned your lesson properly this time…….
Love, love, love this site! Wow, made me go back in time a little to my marriage. The ex-spouse was an EUM who wanted everyone to love him, he was the funniest, the nicest, the cutest, the fill in the blank. Often he was kinder to strangers then to me. I couldn’t trust him, it was all about him. When he rejected me for another woman, I chased him and wanted him back. While we had fun times, there were some dark times which balanced out the fun times, I could never understand why..now I know…to manage down my expectations. What I failed to realize at the time of my divorce, was he set me free! After the cheating and leaving me for OW, he wanted to stay in touch..why? we didn’t have children..another EUM move and what about his new wife and her feeling on something like that? Again no thinking and only about them. I cut all contact when the papers were signed and never looked back. It was painful and cried myself to sleep because the pain was so deep, but I made it through each and every day. I rarely even think of that time in my life or the ex. Your list “When a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting” made all the difference and yes, I could check almost all of them for him.
NML, you are truly blessed with such a wonderful gift and sharing that with others is life changing, at least for me.
this sums it up. men like this are so charming and lure you in and bam you get blindsided and left wondering what is wrong with me. my thing is are they really always like this with everyone or can they change at all? user is good word. i know. it hurt me that mr eum AC#1 would never let go. and i kept thinking why do i like this person. i had a list in the beginning and it kept getting smaller as i got to know him. and the worst is he is poser all image and hides behind it. has his 285 friends on facebook and make him look all improant. and he is this “great guy” who is a liar and lied often to keep up his cheating. so i got suckered to being the ow and it basically came down to him saying he wanted me to stick around while he went on with his life bcause you know it is all about image but i was so great blah blah. hello! i am still reeling from this and it was over a month ago and AC said oh let’s still talk i will call you and has he No… but i have to go back to our first time when he blew his cover and told me oh it came out that he had gfriend and he said oh let’s chat about this tomorrow and i didn’t hear from him for 3.5 weeks. so my guess is he will call or do his stupid texting and then i have to roll it over in my head as to why i accepted his stupid behevior and will he be differnet with his Gfriend or was he just an ass to me? i really just want freedom from this as i have never had this type of guy who can’t let me go be so cruel emotionally. any help. ladies. just found this site as it was requested by a friend..
Wow! What a post! I came to the site today because I fell off the no contact wagon and texted my EUM. I was sad and lonely and well things in my life have been crappy 8 different ways…So WHY WAS I TEXTING HIM? I know why…I wanted to hear from the person he was—my friend, my supporter, the flirt who made me feel better. Stupid, really stupid I know. I am trying…trying to stay away…I know he can’t be there for me unless HE wants something from me because he has nothing to give. I guess in one sense that I am relieved he never texted back (guess he doesn’t need his ego stroked)…to be honest though I am feeling very discouraged like I am stuck in a cycle I can’t get out of….that somehow my subconscious projects into the universe….I work with the public and love my job…well, I was trying to move past my (married) EUM….one day an attractive guy came into my job and complimented me—for my help on a project and my new sweater. I hadn’t heard a compliment in months and blushed! Days later he sought me out to say hello. I was happy…til I saw his left hand for the first time…yes, he’s married! Do I have a sign on my back that says “Will consider married me?:” I have been cool and professional since. One married guy is more than enough!!
jswan, you’re getting it. you are here and just need to keep reading and posting. there are so many of “us”. we are all here to support each other because, if you’re like me, most of the people in my life dont understand this. as a matter of fact, most of the folks in my life thought the ‘thing’ I had going with the AC was over years ago! i’ve been too ashamed to admit how long i’ve stuck around and endured.
sad thing is, now that i really, honestly feel like i have a grip on myself and will never go back – i cant tell anyone!
i feel safe telling my story here though – even if i fall back into old bad habits. i pray that i dont!
you are safe here – good luck 🙂
I need some advice. I started NC on Friday and broke it already. We work together and he showed up in my office this morning and smiled and of course it all stirred up again inside me. I do not know how I am going to do this since I have to see him everyday. Please….any advice would be so helpful!
I found this site just in time! I am just a couple of days into the NC rule and am struggling not to contact him. He is 46, never married. I initiated NC after he pulled the “friends” card. Over dinner this weekend my girlfriends and I made a list of all the reasons why he was emotionally and romantically unavailable ( “why he is a real s***-head”) and we took turns reading them out loud — I now have them posted on my mirror and computer screen as a reminder. Then I played out loud all of his romantic, loving voice message that I had saved on my phone, said bye-bye, and deleted them one by one. Next came the text messages. There isn’t much in the way of photos or other objects to remind me of him (typical, yes?) because he never wanted pictures or gave me anything. We were together for seven months, he referred to me as his girlfriend, told me he loved me, and I morphed like crazy to fit into his life but he had a million reasons why he would not become part of mine. Our getting together was always around his schedule — his work, then his family, then his friends, and then me, in that order. Somehow I knew he was bad for me — at one point early on I even said to him “I think you are going to break my heart” but the physical attraction was so strong that I ignored what my head was telling me. How come we won’t/can’t trust our instincts?
PJBelle,
God how is it that these ACs are all the friggin same??? I was with mine too for about 7 months. And like you I imposed NC when he pulled the “friend” card. We even went on a few little vacations together and of course he never asked to take a picture with me. Ugh and my red flags were waving and warning bells were going off while he was “getting to know me” and the entire time I was with him. Knowing full well that my gut is never wrong I just ignored it. Its because they are sooooo good at what they do. Saying all the right things mine would constantly tell me I was pretty because he knew that maybe I didn’t think that about myself at the time. They prey on women who will ignor their own intution because we crave the attention they give us in the beginning ( mine are definitely absent daddy issues) and then they think they can just jerk us around for as long as we will let them once we are “hooked” on the drug of attention. Its sick. PJBelle, be happy that YOU were the one who took control and told him to take a flying leap by implementing NC. YOU took ALL the control in the end and he cant take that away from you unless you let him. Had you stuck with him and his little arrangement he only would have uncerimoniously pulled NC on you once he found someone he wanted to be more than “just friends” with. Its tough to do NC I know I am on day 14 and have held fast against his few attempts to get intouch with me.It is getting better. I feel strong for not contacted him in anyway. There are actually a few minutes that will pass in the day without me thinking of him. I am now remembering more and more of his bad qualities instead of focusing on the good times. I am confident that I will only continue to get better as the days go on. You will too. Hang in there and visit and post to this site often.
Peace
Thanks, sadkitty and yes it is amazing how much alike these types of guys are. When we first met we did go out, went to dinner, had drinks with friends, went for walks and even took a few weekend trips. But all that began to wind down and more and more it was “meet me after work at my place” and we went nowhere (except to the bedroom) and stopped socializing as a couple — although HE continued to see his friends. My EUM/AC is in the hospitality business and he had to be at work most nights. About a month ago he asked me to stop coming by the restaurant because staff were gossiping about HIM and HIS personal life. They knew who I was by sight but I was never introduced to any of them. Ditto with his family. Was he a cheater as well as being EU/AC? Maybe…probably…but I will never know and that occupies my thoughts more than anything else right now. Why do we need to know just how bad these guys really are? Haven’t we learned enough all ready?
Lol great post…i myself had an assclown on my hands and i think i handled it all very lady like yes there were those times i wanted to kick his teeth in when i saw him but…hey who likes getting their head screwed with…reading posts like this just helps confirm what i already know.
I’ve been “seeing†this guy for 10 months, he says that I’m “pretty much†his girlfriend when I ask for commitment. I’m a relationship person and I think I just realized that I have low self esteem, when I really thought I loved myself. I can’t believe I let it get this far, I don’t even have his mobile phone number at the moment. He’s an ex con so he’s constantly getting new numbers because he thinks that his phone is tapped. He’s a real idiot. I’ve been thinking of ending it for a while, but couldn’t work up the strength probably because of my low self esteem and thinking that I need his validation because I feel so rejected. I’ve tried to end it before but he didn’t care. Then he cut me off for about three weeks without a word and then came back saying he missed me (he missed something) I felt used, but I had him back and we hugged for while. Anyway.. after reading this though, I really don’t need a dickhead like him. There are a few guys that I know respect me, and say I’m stupid for being with him when I complain, which is all I do. I’m nineteen years old, I can do so much better. I shouldn’t even be in a relationship, I should be living it up with my family and friends. I really needed to wake up, it makes so much more sense to me now. Thank you so much for your wise, brutally honest, but helpful words. I needed to hear it that way! A thousand thank yous! 🙂
Wow.
Brad
Thank you for your advice. I try very hard to remain professional. Yesterday morning, I was talking to another co worker and he walked up to us grabbed me by the arm and whispered to me “you look really good today” and walked away. We have a very small office and no one really likes him, they tolerate him, but his attitude sucks. On the other hand, I am very well liked by everyone and they cannot believe that I was dating him? I am thinking of trying to find a new job, but I make great money and love this place. I will try and do what you suggest, and I will avoid at all costs being in a situation that I will have to see him. The rest of the day when I would run into him I turned and walked the other way. We used to eat lunch together everyday, and yesterday, I ran out of here a few minutes early to avoid him. Wouldn’t you know it…2 minutes later he called me and I did not answer. Then the text came asking where I was, he was waiting for me. If he doesn’t want to be with me, then why does he do this to me?
Devastated, this isn’t about him wanting to be with you – It’s about not being able to cope with the idea that you’re not adulating and stroking his ego. These men like to be in control and right now, he’s on uncertain ground. The moment you accept anything, the moment he gets a signal that you still want him, and he’ll either suddenly not be interested or decide that you’re willing to take whatever crumbs he has to offer.
NML’s last blog post..Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns – Part Two
NML
You are right, as I have fallen into this trap many times in the past with him. I am trying sooooo very hard to get past this. He has hurt me so much that I can’t begin to imagine why I let myself be sucked back in only to be hurt again. Thank you so very much for this site and all your words of wisdom. when I found it, I was such a wreck. I have never in my life been this devastated. In the past two months I have learned so much about myself and him. I feel that I get stronger everyday. It is just so hard to have to see him everyday and hear his voice and have him smile at me when I really just want to slap the smile off his face.
devastated – I wish you luck. I’ve been in the same situation for over three years. I’ve finally figured out how to handle him and it sounds harsh, but nothing else has worked. I pretend he doesnt exist or that I that he is a complete stranger (may as well be!)
He works in the back of our small building and I work in the front. I never go to the back anymore. If I absolutely have to, I walk past him like he is invisible. When he calls into the office, I just answer the phone and transfer his call – no speaking. When he calls and has to leave a message I just say, let me send you to your voice mail and transfer the call. If he comes down the hall when I am, I slowly turn around and go the other way. If he comes too close to my office, I close my door gently. – When he eventually corners me (which I know he will), I have several planned speeches, so I wont be caught off guard.
If you know this guy long enough you will see his pattern. They follow the pattern every time – so you need to plan ahead. Good luck with this. I really understand how hard it is.
annied
Sounds exactly the same as my situation. I made the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with the “bad boy” at work. Now I am paying dearly for it. I never want him to see me upset, I try and smile and be happy and myself when I know he can see or hear me. But, I wish I didn’t have to see him at all. I have dreams of the day when he leaves our office. It will be heaven. I can easily do the NC when not at work. He tries to call and text but I have pretty much learned that nothing good ever comes about with it. I had thought early on after the break up that we could be civil to each other, but I cannot do that to myself. It still hurts so much. I know he is confused when I ignore him and he gets upset. But I told him awhile ago that it is for the best. I am never mean in fornt of others. Just cold. I guess I need to have a little speech prepared for when he does corner me. Any suggestions??
devastated,
What you are describing is not the power I think that “cool and professional” would give you.
If you turn away, avoid him, even refuse to answer to him – you are letting him run you in circles. Instead, be professional for yourself, be competent and a “team player” for your employer. If you have to work with him, that gives you practice doing your work. You need to meet expectations that your work meets professional standards regardless of who you have to work with.
And you aren’t practicing that important word, the one that confident and effective people use. “No.” No emphasis, no explanation. “No, I am not going to lunch with you.” “Get your hand off me. Now.” “Stop harassing me. Now.”
Those words – “harassing me” – are important. Federal law and OSHA regulations forbid your employer or fellow employees from creating a “hostile work environment”. That is, if you are being harassed, if someone is acting intimately or sexually in an inappropriate fashion – even making suggestive comments, telling dirty jokes, or bringing sexually graphic or explicit material into your workplace – that is a hostile work environment. You have to use that specific phrase. The second time you need to be reporting to your boss. “I dated the guy, it fell through. I am trying to get my own work done, now, but he keeps acting inappropriately for the work place. He has made inappropriate personal contact, and that makes me feel uncomfortable and distracts me from my work.”
Just as with any bully, by acting confidently, invoking authority, and standing up to his shady innuendos, his intimidations, and his manipulations – you make yourself less of a target.
Dodging him to avoid confrontation lets him continue to manipulate you. You aren’t getting on with your life, you aren’t establishing effective habits to create friendships with respectful, and honest people. The longer you let his behavior dictate what you do – the longer people around will see that you are still involved with him. Though the “relationship” might be over, clearly you are still interacting with him, intimately, and it is affecting your behavior and your work. It may seem easier to avoid contact with him than to tell him “No.” – but it isn’t. You are a smart and competent woman. Who is this bozo, that you find yourself running from? What is it he can do – yell, make fun of you, hit you? At work? In front of witnesses that will help you call a manager or the cops? Nope.
The only way out, now (this sticky breakup stuff is why many recommend against dating at the office), is through. Be the mature one. You know what your work and your worth demand – don’t let his antics get in your way. There is nothing you can to if he chooses to act out. As long as you are diligent in reporting any harassment, you should be well enough.
Who knows? You may find your work getting easier after all of this.
Brad K.’s last blog post..BR: Commitment, a perspective
It is a woman’s nature to love as close to unconditionally, as I have ever seen. It is a woman’s nature to have empathy, and compassion, and to look beyond the faults that we all have, and to search for the good in people, and then to focus on that. The sad matter of the fact is, it becomes our handicap.
It is hard for most of us to comprehend that people would treat other people that way. So we begin looking for answers, and we usually settle on ourselves.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..The Love Triangle – The Ugly Side of Human Nature
This post has brought me to tears…I’ve been such an idiot!!
Finally! After 1.5 yrs after the break up ( so to speak- he never admitted we were dating – ultimate disrespect) – I have finally stumbled on this. Thank You! I get so mad at myself- knowing I never want him back in my life- but always wondering why I still felt so rejected. Wondering what was wrong with me. Getting angry at myself and him over and over again. Everything I have read makes 100 % sense. He was a self admitted commitment – phoebe that could never admit emotions- kept me hanging on ( you know- saying we are just friends/ its complicated/How much he respected and admired me/ blamed sex on me when he was drunk/ yadayada ) If this man was not the Ultimate Asshat- I don’t know what is. * sigh * so much more to this story- but I find after reading this- it is really rather unimportant now. The list you provided? Yep- he was everyone of those to a “T”. Thank you again for opening my eyes at the right time.