In part one, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection is tied to our self-esteem and that our sense of rejection is compounded by the fact that we engage in a self-fulfilling prophecy of choosing partners that reflect our fears and negative beliefs, which in turn, when we habitually engage with these types of men, sets us up for rejection. We are often, in fact, engaging in behaviour which causes us to reject ourselves.
There is also a pervasive feeling of disbelief that accompanies this sense of rejection, and this stems from the fact that you can’t believe that this guy who you recognise is unworthy of you and a waste of time, doesn’t want someone ‘like you’. You know you’re better than this–the drama, the ambiguity, the men who cannot and will not recognise your value–yet you persist, because there is a conflict.
In having some negative beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships, you place too much stock in the surface stuff, and not enough in the character, the values, the building of a foundation, which makes it all too easy to live a life in illusion and take up with poor partners.
This means that when you talk about yourself, you can easily reel off about how you’re smart, funny, kind, generous to a fault, attractive, skinny, curvy, sexy, a man magnate, financially independent, own your own home, highly educated and blah blah blah.
But they are surface things and when it comes to character, value, substance, women who persist in the self-fulfilling prophecy and wonder why these chumps don’t want them while chasing them for validation, believe that there is something unlovable about them.
In fact, the problem with being involved with Mr Unavailables and assclowns, is that we develop a nasty habit of assuming that if something is wrong in the relationship or it fails, it must be something we ‘did’ and we assume all of the responsibility for trying to make the relationship a success.
I have come across countless women through this site who have talked about how smart, funny, educated, financially independent, attractive they are and all that jazz and how they can’t believe that the ex con/the guy who was nothing before her/the broken man with a litany of problems/the guy who kept using One Time in Bandcamp stories of being let down by a woman/the habitually jobless guy/the 40 year old that lives with his mum/the 50 year old that lives with his mum/the flip flapper/the guy who is dating several women/the cheat/the beater/the narcissist, the sex addict and the list rolls on, doesn’t want her.
Are you really that surprised that a man who is disconnected from his emotions and dodging the commitment bullet and/or totally lacking of character and values, doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who will ‘expect’ from him?
As always, this is about failure to look at the bigger picture and also focusing on him instead of focusing on you.
Instead of wondering why the hell this guy doesn’t want you, you should be asking yourself why the hell you want him and why you want him to want you!
From the moment that someone decides that they no longer want you or that they no longer value you or the relationship enough to want to try and they make the decision to opt out, you need to start working towards not wanting them either.
Wanting people that don’t want you, nevermind respect, value, love, or care about you, is a surefire sign that you have lost your way.
While many fall in love, develop crushes, having healthier levels of self-esteem and boundaries would mean that reality would kick in pretty sharpish because you’d recognise the futility and the lucky escape, and instead of wondering why this person doesn’t want you and obsessing about it, you’d realise this person doesn’t want you and use that to move on to someone that does.
When a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting:
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
This is not about you – if he is a Mr Unavailable or assclown, he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.
If you are happy to be in a relationship where he doesn’t do these things, then knock yourself out, but the likelihood is that you would not be able to cope with being involved with someone like this.
Often when they stick with another woman, she’s someone who is more accommodating of his crap. Even if she’s not more accommodating per se, he has 1) learned how to passive aggressively circumvent her so he can do exactly what he pleases and 2) she is ‘useful’ – never forget how much of a user these guys are.
Would you rather he stuck with you and did what he was going to do anyway? Because you know that these guys only operate on their terms so it’s their way or take a run and jump!
Would you rather he kept you because he could use you at will? Get a bigger job at your family’s company, milk your bank account, use you for an easy shag and ego stroke, use you as a beard…
You’re too busy feeling the pain of your own bruised ego that you have lost sight of reality.
You can’t get over the ‘relationship’ ending if you don’t process the reality of it so that you can move forward.
If you feel ‘rejected’ by one of these clowns, you have turned the end of the relationship inward and projected their behaviour onto you.
You’ve then got stuck on an illusion, a fantasy.
You want this guy to recognise your value so that you don’t get to feel bad anymore and you can validate yourself.
I’m not even convinced that you truly want him; you just need him to want you.
In fact, you are struggling with the fact that things are out of your control.
This is not unusual; when most people are not the ones to bring about the end of a relationship, or the one in the driving seat of things, it can be really bewildering and more difficult to comprehend.
Much of the dynamic between you and these guys is reliant upon you choosing someone who while he can make you feel like the centre of his universe when it suits him, he more often than not has you working hard for his crumbs, so it all becomes about extracting a relationship and validation from him in a midst of drama, ambiguity, and perpetual disappointment.
If he had wanted you as much as you claim to want him to want you, you probably would have lost interest….
A positive woman with healthier levels of self-esteem has more positive relationships. When guys like this don’t recognise her value, respect her boundaries, and treat her as a woman of value, showing due respect, love, care, trust with both feet in the relationship, she opts out of the dynamic, and switches her focus back to her, and redirects her energy to people and situations that add positively to her, not detract from it.
This is not about giving yourself a hard time; this is about giving yourself permission to let go.
Holding on to a sense of rejection will ensure that you don’t move on, that you stay out of reality, and that when you do decide to move on, it’ll likely be with another Mr Unavailable or assclown.
You can’t always tell someone is bad news the moment that you meet them, but if you do put both of your feet in reality and stop reminiscing about a brief show of good behaviour in the past and projecting this into your fantasy of future behaviour, the reality will make you rise up and recognise that you are rejecting them because Mr Unavailables operate on their terms only, and that does not work for you, so it can’t work for him.
Mr Unavailables and assclowns have a nasty habit of trying to come back so when they ‘reject’ you, they are lining you up for future ‘rejection’ because they can’t commit to being with you, and they can’t commit to not being with you.
More importantly, Mr Unavailables and assclowns return to throw some more pain in your direction because they know you can’t have that much respect, love, care, or concern for yourself when you were involved with them and professed to love them, so they assume that until you prove otherwise, you’re there for the rejection ride.
Relationships require you to want, need, and expect, and you do these things with men who run or treat you like sh*t, the moment you want, need, or expect anything from them.
If you want to stop feeling rejected by assclowns and Mr Unavailables, start rejecting poor behaviour and opting out of dangerous relationships that take blows at your sense of self and self-esteem.
Remember the list of things (see above) that this guy doesn’t want to do and realise that this is not about you; he’s going to do what he’s going to do anyway. Even if you stay on for another few weeks, months, or years, it’s still going to play out in a rather unpleasant way. It’s just like taking a longer route to pain.
Part 3, the final part to follow in the next couple of days. For help with self-esteem, try: