If you’ve ever been involved with a Mr/Miss Unavailable, you will be familiar with being managed right down into their status quo. If you imagine that on a scale of 1-10, their status quo is that they like things to be around a 5, whatever they do whether it’s blowing smoke up your bum and promising you the world or insisting that things will be different “this time” (going into 7,8 + territory), or whether it’s at the opposite end and frustrating you to the point where things become mighty tense or you give them the heave ho, if they have their way (they love doing things on their terms), they’ll eventually manage you and things back to 5.
One of the things that I’ve noticed about us humans though is that we are very loyal to our habits, even the ones that bring us pain and keep us in our uncomfortable comfort zone and this got me thinking:
When we end up in a cycle of doing and thinking variations of the same thing and expecting different results (think Relationship Insanity + the disappointment cycle), we are guilty of managing ourselves into our own status quo. We turn down the heat on ourselves as if we’re afraid we’ll overcook it.
Sound familiar?
You accomplish something really good. Maybe you get that job or promotion that you’ve been vying for. Maybe you win that client. Maybe you buy your dream property or start that business you’ve been talking about for ages. Instead of soaking up your success and giving you a pat on the back, you enjoy the good feelings for a nanosecond and then you get into a big fight with someone that on reflection, you wonder what the hell you were truly kicking off about. Or you get in touch with your ambivalent ex to share in your good tidings (Are you on feckin’ crack?) or you go on the hunt for problems and end up whipping you into a state of anxiety.
You go through a breakup and finally go No Contact. Unlike previous times, you actually last beyond a few days or weeks and you make it several months to a year. Things are going really well and you’re starting to get your life in order and to get a sense of who you are. You feel content without the drama and start to feel as if you’re almost over them. Yet this unease sets in. You wonder what the catch is. You wonder when the good feeling’s going to disappear or maybe you become afraid of how much more you and others might expect from you and start to forecast doom and gloom. What if I’m not happy on October 30th 2016? How will I cope then? What if this is my last chance saloon and I’m going to wind up with cobwebs in my pants? What if it all gets too hard? What if I’m not really happy and I’m just tricking myself? What if I meet another assclown? Next thing you know, you have a rough day and are feeling vulnerable and you wonder what the harm will be to text or even meet up. Suddenly you’re back to having drama in your life.
You finally meet someone who treats you with love, care, trust, and respect. By your own admission, they’re code amber and red alert free and you’re happier than you’ve been for a long time. And that’s the problem. Now that you’re not playing Columbo morning, noon, and night, or not having bust-ups punctuating your week or wondering what you said or did to ‘make’ them be or do something, you’re almost bored and at the same time frightened, so like clockwork, every 2-3 weeks, you find something new to be anxious about. It’s like being happy and content is out of your comfort zone so you need to create something to take you back to 5. I’ve heard from people who have gone through this feeling who have ended up cheating on the person or going back to a toxic ex only to feel deep regret over their actions and allowing their fears and a sense of unworthiness to overtake them.
If any of this sounds remotely familiar, it’s time to ask, What is my status quo? What is my comfort zone or more like uncomfortable comfort zone?
Your status quo is that state of mind that you tend to circle back to. It’s also your typical cycle of content (or discontent depending on which way you look at it). It’s whatever you’ve gotten into the habit of complaining about or what you express your frustration over yet struggle to take the course of action that would truly put you on the path to change. I hear from readers who are miserable due to an ex yet despite this, they wouldn’t block their calls/emails or stop responding to messages or even sleeping with them.
Your habits represent your comfort zone.
You always know that you’re in an uncomfortable comfort zone if when you experience what should be good moments in your life, you tend to sabotage them, often before they’ve really had a chance to bloom. You may be so used to doing it that you may be entirely unaware of your habit of keeping you in a state of self-doubt, anxiety, sadness, or resentment. If you also tend to cycle from one drama to another and almost feel bored if something isn’t straining your brain, you may have fallen into the trap of feeling purposeful due to drama. You’re either in the camp that would have a fight with a paper bag or you’re in the camp that just feels twitchy unless you’re thinking about how someone has wronged you and what you’re going to do about it.
The trouble with an uncomfortable comfort zone is that you spend your time here on earth affirming negative beliefs while at the same time feeling wounded by being in your zone while at the same time trying to move forward while at the same time pulling you back in some way. That’s incredibly frustrating and disheartening.
Perfectionism is a prime example of this. When we are perfectionists, we put ourselves into a permanent state of dissatisfaction and comparison because we continuously move our own goalposts so that our status quo is a state of not being “good enough”. We do something and no matter how well we do it, we decide that it’s below par and just won’t allow it to be. Then when we do it to a better standard than previous and we decide that wasn’t good enough either. And on and on and on we go.
It’s like, “Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe it’s because I’m too ambitious. Maybe I’m not exciting enough in bed. Maybe I’m the wrong age. Maybe, Maybe. Maybe.” When I see people carve themselves up with comparison as they traverse the passage of their relationships, it becomes clear that because they feel unworthy, they will always find fault with themselves and take ownership of other people’s feelings and behaviour.
The status quo is of course subjective. As many a person can attest to who has ever had their expectations managed down by Mr/Miss Unavailable, one person’s idea of a comfort zone is another person’s idea of hell. Equally if two people have a similar comfort zone which includes similar values, they can get along quite well instead of battling up and down the scale.
If you tend to turn down your heat and keep winding up in a comfort zone that you say that you don’t want to be in or that certainly isn’t yielding results for you, it’s time to ask, Do I believe that I deserve to be happy?
A person who believes that they deserve to be happy or even recognises that the thing to do when they achieve and accomplish things is to embrace them, be grateful, build on it, not call themselves a fraud or claim it was a fluke, doesn’t keep peeing on their own parade. That’s simply because self-esteem has the word ‘self’ in it for a reason so if you believe that you deserve happiness (or love, care, trust and respect for that matter), you will give it to you. You will differentiate between real and imagined threats.
Our comfort zones need to expand. When they remain static, we don’t grow and that’s where the regret kicks in because we look back and realise that time has passed but we haven’t evolved to expand our thinking and behaviour. The wonderful thing is that when we become aware of how we hold ourselves back and become conscious about exactly just how comfortable our comfort zone is, we can expand it so that what used to be a 7,8 etc becomes our new ‘5’.
Your thoughts?
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Great post! I had to be so careful of this after my divorce. My situation was truly a soap opera complete with abandonment, bigamy and fraud. My status quo became drama-filled as I dealt daily with attorneys, police and the DA’s office. My friends and coworkers always wanted to know the latest; I was the Days of Their Lives. My threshold for drama was raised throughout those months and I had to learn how to adapt again to a normal “boring” life. Luckily, I caught myself before the drama habit became too ingrained and I was able to shift my status quo back to stable.
I’ve been working on this a lot lately. It’s really an attitude adjustment, a perspective shift, as the perhaps not EUM, keeps telling me. I’ve noticed that I do seek drama and I have to stop.
Nat, thank you, I so needed to read this. This is the state I´m in now with my new boyfriend, the one I told you all about some weeks ago. To sum it up: we dated when we were teens, kept in touch occasionally afterwards (mostly as acquiantances), and got back together again now that we´re in our 40s.
He has been so sweet with me that I´ve been in a recurring state of anxiety, waiting for things to fall apart anytime now. But the thing is, his actions are consistent with a committed relationship and he treats me with love, care, trust and respect (even though in theory he is the “Recurring Childhood Sweetheart”). When we´re together I´m very happy and I do feel loved, but then when I´m back home the fretting starts: when will he tire of me? Does he really like me? What if he breaks up with me? Why does he even want to be with me?
I realise now that I´m tormenting myself with all these doubts. Somehow it seemed more natural to be involved with the terrible EUM who only threw crumbs at me once in a while and eventually got me to BR. It also felt much easier to be eternally single. But a nice guy who wants to be with me and treat me right – it seems too much to adapt to. I´ll be reading this article over and over again. I´m afraid I´m not as healthy as I believed I was.
his actions are consistent with a committed relationship
Erm – and exactly how long have you guys been together, this time round?
I am so lucky – I’ve gone from ‘zero expectations and crumbs’ a couple of years ago, to ‘incredibly high and ongoing levels of happiness and contentment’ today.
How?
– Got rid of EUM once and for all to Another Woman
– Felt 100 pounds lighter
– Made decision RE ‘the pursuit of happiness’, sans partner of any description = “Now, how are you going to live your life, with nobody looking?”
– Made decision RE gratitude, on a daily basis, for all the good things in my life
– Discovered amazing number of good things in my life
– Discovered how much I was really loved by non-partners
– Discovered how much I was valued at work
– Renovated house with sister to beautiful effect
– Doing a bit more walking = feel better already
– Did things I enjoyed, even if no one else did
– Took better care of diet and physical health and menopausal symptoms (most unpleasant menopausal symptoms vanished with EUM. Coincidence? You be the judge)
– Treated self to good hairdresser
– Making plans on how to spend my 12 weeks of long service leave in 3 1/2 years: I’m thinking Paris, big-time
– Etc
I figure I wasted about five years, on and off, with the EUM. Therefore I am going to treat myself to at least five years of doing things I enjoy and having fun on my own, before I even begin to think about dating again.
If I ever think about it again.
Ethelreda … thank you … your post and the list of how you reached this level of happiness from only receiving crumbs is invaluable to me… to know that consistency in putting yourself first does eventually pay off and I will find happiness …
Interesting. Physical symptoms in myself continue to get better the more neutral I become toward ‘bad boys’. Weird…Or perhaps not weird at all. I had this friend that got this rare, mean rash on her neck near around the exact same time she started dating her EUM. She has ruined, wrecked, and sacrificed her life and all things good for a most vile man. Just seeing pictures of his vacant or sinister smile gives me shivers of nausea.
I was no better before BR. Scary.
PS The upshot of all this, by the way, is that the bar has now been raised DAMN high, and anyone who comes into my life with a bunch of flowers and a sheepish expression had better be able to deliver on what he promises.
Ethelreda, I love this list, good on you! It is wonderful to realise there are no limits to happiness.
I still sometimes fear ‘the void’, that place where I feel alone and unloved, but when we shift our thinking and move out of that status quo, we know those bad feelings need to be rectified, rather than resigning ourselves to them. Half the time when I feel that emptiness, it’s just because I’m tired or need to eat or need some fresh air, or I might need to get a pen and paper and work out why my soul is hurting, but joy and interest in the world is now the default.
No time for anyone who might drain away all this love and energy I have, have had enough of that already.
Don’t get me wrong – I ain’t Wonder Woman, and everyone has bad hours and bad days, or even a few bad days in a row. But you learn what triggers them, and you ride them out.
What really thrilled me was how fast it happened. But that was because I made a good decision and then put all my energy into maintaining committment to it. You have to make that leap of faith.
Doing the mental exercise ‘I will be single for the rest of my life. Now what?’ doesn’t actually mean that I have shut the door on a one-to-one thing in the future. It just gives me the boost I need to stop putting my life on hold. And it puts the one-to-one thing back in the corner, where it belongs.
But having done this exercise so often, it’s starting to sound quite pleasant, and certainly not scary.
But it helps to be older. It really does. Rejoice if you’re older, because it will make it easier! I can understand a younger woman who still wants marriage/partnership and children would feel overwhelmingly sad at the thought of being single for the rest of her life. I know I did.
Ethelreda the Unready- I don’t know about the older part…I’m almost 46 and the thought that I may never be partnered leaves me deeply sad. In fact, I’m presently grieving at not having a family of my own. I now realize that this was partly the reason I agreed to a date with the guy who brought me here when he was in town for a few days. I figured that since marriage and kids isn’t in the cards for me, what the hell? I had a fantastic time as it seems we’ve both become a little more secure In ourselves. However, I did have sex with him which I regret. If I weren’t grieving the loss of not being a wife & mother now that I know I’d be great at both, I would have made a different decision.
“Grieving the loss of not bring…” should be “grieving the loss of not ever being…” Oh, I don’t know how to word it grammatically as it comes out wrong no matter how I phrase it. I’m grieving because I am too old to be a mother and marriage doesn’t appear to be in the cards for me.
Rosie, I know exactly what you mean. The grief is natural and good, and I think it’s probably almost a necessary stage you have to go through to get to the other side.
Yes – how ARE you going to live your life? I think it’s natural to have a ‘What the hell?’ stage, but I think you will quickly work out that this is just a stage, and that it doesn’t fulfil you or make you happy.
So now the challenge is to start looking around for what DOES make you happy. And if you have no idea, then that tells you that perhaps you’ve been putting your life on hold for way too long.
On the whole wife/mother thing: I come from a strong Christian background and I’m a regular church-goer. I spent years thinking – and being told – I’d be a great wife and mother, too, and really longing and yearning for this.
However, in the last five years or so I’ve had to face a number of challenging things about myself, and about my relationship with my own mother, and about what this has done to me.
The result of all that rumination, therapy and at times painful honesty is that I’ve arrived at the point of admitting:
THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WIFE OR MOTHER, AFTER ALL.
Shock, horror. My favourite No 1 Personal Myth About Myself has pretty much fallen completely apart now. But it’s really set me free to be happy again.
I’m not saying you’re in the same boat, but at our time of life, we do run head-first into the wall of unfinished business, and sometimes it turns out that we were quite wrong about a whole lot of things. Rather than fleeing from this, it helps to embrace it and be open to having your mind changed.
Yes! Great list! So positive!!!!
Ha oh my god, I was just thinking about this before work this morning, it’s as if because I have no stress or anxiety about the AC anymore I feel bored with my life! For five years it was always about him and now that I am having a nice peaceful non drama free life I don’t know what to do with myself so I start thinking about all the wrongs he did to me, it’s as if I can’t just BE and that I have to go back to feeling anxious because that’s how I am so used to feeling when I was with him. It’s as if I need something to focus on and if I don’t have anything then hey I will make it about him again. I know I am alot happier without him but I don’t know what to do with that happiness, I feel as if I have forgotten how to be normal!!
Sandy,
Check out volunteering, courses, Meet Ups etc…. Get out and meet new people and stay busy.
Part of the fun of unloading unnecessary baggage, is discovering yourself and new interests.
Thanks Allison, yes those are excellent ideas but at the moment I am waiting for a hip replacement operation which is due to be in the next four months, yep 53 and having a hip replaced due to severe osteoarthritis, at the moment it’s a struggle to just get through the day doing basic chores due to the pain…so I do think alot of the boredom is due to the fact that I can’t actually do what I used to do, swim at the beach, go for bike rides, I used to exercise alot which always helped my anxiety but I can’t even do that so yep I do have alot of time to think about things…but as soon as I heal from the operation I am going to make bloody sure that I get out there again and because I took my fitness so much for granted up to now I am going to try a few other things which I always wanted to do but didn’t 🙂
Sandy,
Wow! That’s some delay. I bet you can’t wait to get it over with, as the pain and boredom must be overwhelming.
Hoping the procedure comes much sooner than expected, so that you can get your life back.
All the best!
Allison, thanks for your good wishes, the delay isn’t that long if you knew the health system in New Zealand!! I am just pleased there is an end in sight as they could have turned me down due to my age, they like to wait until you are a bit older as the hip only lasts 10 to 15 years and you can only have two operations in your life time…but yes the boredom is the worst and hobbling around like an old lady haha
Hi Sandy,
So glad to know that you’ve finally gotten over the AC. You will be okay through and through, but it’s all up to YOU. Don’t allow yourself to ruminate over how he used to make you feel and what he used to do. That is the PAST and you can’t change it. Be positive and determined to think only of your FUTURE. That you can change for the better. As far as the surgery goes, I wish you the best. I have a very good idea of what you are going through mentally and physically because I’ve been through it myself. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis which is not only autoimmune, but incurable. I hope and pray you are not in that boat because it is wicked. But, I’m a fighter and refuse to be an invalid or feel sorry for myself. Your condition and mine could always be something much worse so be grateful and be TOUGH. I am alot older than you and just had a birthday. UGH! But we must be glad for the health that we have and soldier on. You will be okay, Sandy.
You have my best wishes. Tink.
Hi Tink,
It’s lovely to hear from you, I know you don’t come on much anymore but I do still think about you and wonder how you are doing. Luckily it is not Rhuematoid Arthritis (and I am sorry to hear that this is what you have as I understand it can be incredibly painful and debilitating) just Osteoarthritis, it is in my family, my older sister has it in a knee and hip and my mum has it in her hip as well and I am aware it could be worse so I do give thanks that even though I am hobbling, at least I can do that, some people are so much worse off.
Yes thankfully I have finally moved on from him, although it hasn’t been easy because as you may be aware over the last nineteen months he has kept up the constant contact, even turning up at the house recently because I changed my phone numbers but I see who he is and what he is very, very clearly now, ha alot of time spent on BR and other forums has helped there!!
I am looking forward to a better future I must admit and the operation is one step towards this.
Happy Birthday and I hope you have many more 🙂
I find that these cycles of drama we keep ourselves in are often an indication of what is actually happening. Ie: If your status quo is drama even with a guy that you think is a “nice guy” perhaps it would be wise to think again. Simply because I believe if your feeling that need for drama- it’s your gut instinct alerting you that something is not right either within you or external to you. Therefore you are probably not truly ready for a relationship.
The ex that brought me to this site was highly manipulative. In the last few years and the last year especially I’ve been making my peace with the situation and actually moving on from the status quo of misery and drama that I was in for 7 years.
My status quo has now naturally risen:) I see it in every area of life. I seek peace and contentment through meditation and yoga. Key thing is though: when I’m in a situation that hints at drama I leave. There is no wondering, no second guessing. Even if I was with the “nicest guy on earth” if I felt that drama I would KNOW it was not right. Either in him or me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think this drama is the front of our gut instinct. It covers up what we don’t want to see, but there is always a reason for it.
It’s funny (ish) my ex saw this state of turmoil that HE kept me in by lying, cheating, neglect and other forms of emotional abuse and would accuse me of “not being able to be happy” – he was right. If I was able to be happy I would not have been with an emotionally unavaliable man. My high levels of drama in that relationship were warning bells that it was wrong.
For those of you still feeling drama, perhaps start thinking what that state of drama is warning you about?
Bx
I have been NC with EUM for about 3weeks now. I am trying to adjust my status quo and uncomfortable comfort zone that I’ve been in. He clearly doesnt like this as I’ve had txts suggesting he wants to make sure im still an option and still in my drama, anxiety filled zone. Doesnt want me but doesnt not want me. Luckily NC has made me see the wood for the trees finally. Keep on keeping on I guess.x
I love love love this post!! Thank you Natalie 🙂
I walked away from my married EU assclown last March. I had fallen so far down I realized I was devoid of self esteem and had been accepting crumbs from her, my friends and family for as long as I could remember. So I decided to inventory everyone in my life and keep those who’ d shown me loyalty, love and support, and dump the ones who treated me as “less than” because I’d allowed them to. As far as the ex, I realized the opposite of resentment was not forgiveness, it was just not thinking about her one way or another because I accepted that she was no longer qualified to have my love because my new self esteem excluded liars, cheaters and passive aggressive bitches. It was like saying I loved chocolate but I was allergic to it and it made me break out in facial boils! I have neither tried to date nor not tried to date…I am happy with my new self respect and trust, and having fun just being comfortable in my own skin and not needing anyone to complete me. I am open to finding true love with an EA person one day, but this time she can come find me. I am a good catch, and whoever agrees will be getting a damn fine girlfriend.
“Or you get in touch with your ambivalent ex to share in your good tidings (Are you on feckin’ crack?) or you go on the hunt for problems and end up whipping you into a state of anxiety.”
Yes, for a long time I was on crack sending ridiculous texts whenever good stuff happened, getting lame replies terrific or goodo.
But they achieved their purpose to feel anxiety.
Firstly oh will he reply followed by a let down about the lame response then anxiety as to why I’m not good enough to be with him.
Followed by more anxiety will I have ever have anything happen in my life that will illicit the desired response I was looking for.
I think I was bored, unsure how to live without being anxious about something.
I think anxiety as always been in my life from when I was young.
I don’t have the answers I have been in this cycle so long the beast is not yet fully tamed but I have made progress compared to where I once was.
I’ve been guilty of 1 or 2 of these in the past. Constant work in progress. Thanks for the (great) food for thought.
Good to see a post that confirms I am doing something right. I seek quiet, harmony, a complete lack of stress in relationships with others. When I start to feel that “walking on eggshells” feeling when I am with someone, I sit up and take notice. Something is wrong; not always sure what, but at that point, I know to pay serious attention, watch my heart. This probably stems from doing time in an alcoholic, high drama household and currently, dealing with a high drama, very stressful work environment. At home, I get up at 4 am, sit outside and revel in the silence. I often hand cut my firewood so as not to have to deal with noise of chainsaws. No TV, often no radio as I fulfill my morning caffeine addiction. Since there is no longer a need to be reached for emergencies involving my dad, cell phone off. I
Disconnection is good. I am perfectionistic, probably due to the hostile work environment where I feel constantly under the gun and living in a community that really has no place for an older accomplished chick with high standards. I feel anxiety that I cannot fix my home fast enough, make it top notch so it will sell for enough and enable me to escape. It looks as though I am going to need enough to not only pay off the mortgage, but also set myself up in a small business (organic farming, high end woodworking) as the job market for someone my age and rank ain’t there. Then I remember that most same aged women couldn’t do a fraction of what I am doing and to understand that transitions take time.
Ha, Ha! Playing Columbo morning, noon, and night. Cobwebs in your pants. AND, love this one -what a visual, Battling up and down the scale. …Thanks Nat, I had my first laugh of the day and will reflect on my comfort zone today. I have made changes in my life during the past couple years which have definitely allowed me to be free and heal. I appreciate & love you Natalie. Thanks for helping me! Comfort & best wishes to all reading this ????
PS, the four question marks above were supposed to be an emoticon of a heart wearing proud ribbon. PS, I too love everything you wrote here Etheldreda the Unready. I wish we were friends!
I suspect we are friends anyway, even if only via electrons …
Do I believe that I deserve to be happy?
The first thing I thought as I got through this latest operation without so much as dehydration, was – why the hell have I been so lucky? It has a 14% success rate. What have I done to deserve to not be the woman having the major operation for once? Maybe I am next for that one? and I’ll cruelly be dragged back in to hospital because all the good work that I and others have done, will be undone miraculously somehow???
I couldn’t even enjoy my new found good health for one second – after fighting for two years solid, focusing everything on it.
I suppose the short answer to the question, even with all my new found knowledge and skills, like Ethelreda and Noquay etc, I have learned and execute them daily to keep the EU’s gone – but I still have a personal no to believing I DESERVE to have a good joyous life free from pain and that it is possible – without hard labour and a serious hospital/life bill – for me to be lucky and have a success or two or even a run….!
Now that new successes are coming along to me more and more beyond where I have been before – I am questioning the good happening to me with a fear factor of 6 trillion and one = resulting in developing a fear, always, of what is going to come and clonk me on the head this time, now I’ve had some luck?
I am hypervigilant as a result of the relationships I have experienced where I wasn’t hypervigilant at all, and have discovered I have actually been paranoid recently – after being thoroughly convinced I was totally experiencing ‘red flags’ happening in positive relationships, I was actually ignoring my own red flag behaviour at the time.
I have changed being non existant in negative relationships but NOT the hypervigilance/ paranoia/perfectionism for positive relationships/ success – so I am managing my ability to experience success down.
I have questioned my purpose for my paranoia and perfectionism. Linking my real successes with the terror of possible bigger f*** up’s coming – serves the purpose of consistently keeping my expectations and positive actions down – focused on negatives, pretending to protect myself but actually thwarting any further progress on the positives – the negatives are a much more rewarding (drama) and exhausting game not leaving much time for pushing forward anything positive.
Talk about managing yourself down to their level!
AND THE CYCLE GOES ON – WITHOUT THEM AT ALL!
Have others been through this and how have you accepted success after previously sabotaging it? It is like treading water in mud. I still cannot understand why I deserve to be in the 14% success bracket at all? I now believe I have replaced the drama of the violent/abusive relationships with the drama of getting my health back – mental and physical and now that looks likely, I need a new drama goal before sliding back?
Yep, Oona, sometimes I feel almost guilty for what I have achieved. Some of this comes from having had family that wasn’t really interested in accomplishment and some because my dad and remaining brother were quite poor plus living in a very impoverished community. However, then I remember how much hard work it took to get there and for how long. We earn our stripes.
Good to know I’m not the only one feeling guilt for feeling joy. Felt really ridiculous feeling it because I know how hard i’ve worked but just have not switched it off – my initial reaction is still – what the hell have I done to deserve this *great thing*? -**(read something basic that others take for granted) and I’m wondering if it is just because I’m not used to it and slowly as more successes come perhaps it will wear off? Or if there is something more lurking underneath it all???…
I must have earn’t the stripiest suit in the world by now – I’m as stripey as a stick of seaside rock – but honestly faced with real progress for me, I still deep down initially react with – me? how come? is this for real? – I am looking forward to the day I expect it to come and accept it/relax into it rather than making me feel frightened of what I can loose all over again.
Oona, I’ve just started to realize the effects of a 50-year relationship with a narcissist (met him at college when I was 17!), so think how easy it is for me to feel stupid, undeserving, etc. But there is such good help now, like this site, and I’m starting to believe that I will figure things out.
Recently, I went to a church food pantry for the first time in my life (I’m well-educated, always worked part-time while raising 2 kids,all my relatives are actually wealthy–how did I get here?) Receiving a “charity” box of food was very unsettling at first–in the U.S. no one ever stoops to taking charity if they can help it, and certainly tries to hide it when they need help. But a truly wonderful thing gradually became clear to me. The members of that church would never think the less of me for accepting their help (and it’s been a big help), or think I didn’t deserve it. In fact, a phone interview was all that was required to qualify, and everyone I came in contact with was completely accepting and not in any way questioning whether I “deserved” to be helped. When I was better off, I never questioned that “poor people” deserved to be helped, but that wasn’t me…I could take care of myself. Until I actually needed and accepted charity, I never realized what it feels like to accept that I’m worth love from strangers (even when it seems like my relatives have found me too troublesome to maintain any relationship with me). We ALL deserve love and peace and happiness. What a surprise! And yes, like many of you, I sure feel like a slow learner, but I am learning. Take care of yourself, Kate in Oregon
Thanks Natalie – as usual – perfect timing post …. can’t work out what it is that stops me from being happy when everything is perfect .. can’t work out why I feel sorry for myself and you have hit home with many points in your article including “are you on feckin crack??” how funny!! I must be … because I have lived in a deluded fairy tale in my mind for years and years and everytime I move forward – I drag that suitcase with me and open it up and unpack it right where I have moved to …
ps noquay when I had a log burner – i also used to love the chore of chopping and stacking the firewood up – such an honest good job done for yourself and long may it continue…
Yep, getting my wood in, growing my own food, building stuff, are really now the only times I am truly happy, satisfied. My colleagues are baffled that my day job is now merely a means to gain the needed income to run my farm and no longer is how I define who I am. Going out to cut logs today.
Hi Noquay,
You have so much for which to be proud of yourself. I’ve always admired you because you create positivity in your life. All the best, Tink.
“ It’s whatever you’ve gotten into the habit of complaining about or what you express your frustration over yet struggle to take the course of action that would truly put you on the path to change. “
Well…finally at long last I have committed to my decision to end a very toxic, destructive 15-year marriage, and we are finally having a real conversation about it and taking concrete steps to make it happen.
Spelunking through the linked posts in last week’s article I found the ones about making decisions, commitment avoidance and future faking ourselves, and realise that is me from top to bottom. My husband plays variations on that theme. From comments on that thread and others, I wonder whether the ability to make clear decisions and commit to them is key to cultivating emotional availability since it seems to be a tip to EU?
Now I know the real reason why this marriage has lasted so long: neither of us were willing to take responsibility for making the decision to end it! I have known for years that *somebody*, someday, was going to have to pull the pin and throw that grenade, but I was waiting for him to do the right thing and just leave on his own, while he was waiting for me to man up and be the bad guy and throw his opportunistic ass overboard.
For some odd reason, the discussions and progress is proceeding infinitely more peacefully and productively than I ever would have imagined, given the central theme of this relationship, but hey, I’m not gonna knock it!
Brilliant Brenda! – go for it! – keep focusing on you and your needs!
Thank you! I am having great fun making plans for taking care of *ME* after all these years of neglect once he moves out 😀
Brenda,
That is terrific news!
You have made such a dramatic change within a very short period! Isn’t it great when it all clicks!!
Good luck!
YES! All that I have been reading recently has cleared up many things for me and kept me moving forward with this process. I’m really grateful for Nat and BR and all you helpful ladies guiding me through the emotional quagmire of it all! Interestingly, it was only a few hours after I posted my comments on last week’s thread that my outgoing husband and I spontaneously began *the conversation* about getting divorced.
He has been behaving so well these past couple weeks since he returned from five months away that I have to keep touching base with what I am learning here at BR and be mindful that while I believe there is genuine love underneath all the craziness and dysfunction,
Pain is not love. It is pain.
Abuse is not love, nor ever motivated by anything remotely orbiting love. It is abuse.
His oppressive dependency on me is not love. It is some sort of mental pathology.
I am NOT and never have been getting my needs met in this relationship, and it does not seem that he has either.
The really funny thing is that as I learn more and come to understand why things went so incredibly wrong, I am not even mad anymore. I just want to reach agreement on a date by when we will file the papers and he will move out with an amicable, non-destructive parting of ways so we can both be free to get a fresh start and hopefully be able to preserve the underlying friendship and artistic collaboration.
While he may have been right about the attitude adjustment, he’s still a complete EUM. Done with this dating thing for a while.
Hi, glad I found this site! Three months ago was the first time in my life (I am 35) that I met an EU man.. Still, I am not sure if he is EU! We met at a cafe, he gave me his number, I called two days later and started having incredible conversations through texts for a couple of days. He asked me out then and he said he would call in “a while” to schedule where we would go but called three hours later at midnight! Of course I did not answer!!! He texted how sorry he was and we started talking through texts again all day. It was holidays and I left the city for a week. We kept texting and he called every night to talk. It was as if we knew each other for ages! When I came back we met (though he had a hard time scheduling again because as he warned me he “is stressed when he has a schedule”). After the first date he seemed head over heels with me. For a week he was all over me, sleeping over my place (though we didn’t have sex as I wanted to get to know him first).
After a week he said we have to take it slower because he got stressed of feeling so intense feelings from me. It is true that I was head over heels also and a bit needy??? I asked him if we could have dinner together or go for a coffee twice, that was all!!! He felt pressured he said. Ok, maybe he was right as I was feeling in love so maybe I did overreact. Anyway, I took a step back and relaxed and we kept seeing each other every day (he initiated always the dates). The dates were always afternoon after work because after that he should go and have dinner with his mom (he lives alone but is always at his mom’s)
We always had a great time hanging out together. After a month his job became more demanding and he would work 12 hours and he stopped calling at nights just texting. I didn’t call either as I didn’t want him to think I push things…
During the two months we were “together ” he accused me of trying to control him because I had asked why don’t we go to dinner or to the movies for a change? We were only meeting at a cafe afternoons.
We had sex once which was more than great. But after that, he seemed to lose interest. He texted but he was not calling any more. He seemed distant. I forgot to mention, when we first met he had said at a point that he doesn’t want relationships this period. When I said ok I respect that, it was nice meeting you, he changed behavior and took it back.
Is he EU?
I forgot to say that I ended it.I told him I would like us to meet more and do stuff and he said he wants to take things slow. We had a fight and it was over.
I texted (silly me, I know) two days later and started texting again. We meet once a week now, no sex just friends.
I don’t feel in love any more but I d like him still.
Is he Eu? And more important, should I not go out with him not even to hang out?
Hi Diana,
Good on you for ending it! From what you describe, that guy sounds like he has severe availability issues. Why waste your time trying to drill down that dry hole? I recommend reading the post about code amber and red alert behaviour linked in the article above. Best wishes going forward!
Diana,
Reminds me my ex-EUM.
This guy is EU. “Take things slow” – you were not even doing anything that was rushing. You are talking about dinner and seeing each other more. That’s normal.
Texting and not calling because he has more work now? Exactly the excuse my ex had.
Available men who want to be with a woman, they will go beyond to be with her. No matter the schedule. That’s how just normal men are when they are into a woman and want to be with her.
I am so glad you ended it. It means you are not EU yourself.
Don’t waste your time.
If he comes around, you might try giving him a chance, but I think his pattern so far is hot/cold, pull/push. Reminds me so much of my ex-EUM. And I kept feeling guilty I wanted to spend more time with him.
Press forward.
Great you recognize issues this early. I didn’t back then. I recognize the issues only now. 10 months after the breakup.
You are lucky. You will meet a great, available man.
Hello Diana,
Think that he is EU, the EU behavior can be “I am not ready for relationship.”. What is most important is that he is not relationship available and it’s and I hope, that you are listening him very well. Natalie wrote nice book about EUMs, you can read it if you like.
What I can advice you is to “get rid if him”. What I mean with this. Well if you have hopes, but you see, that he is not ready for relationship, then don’t allow yourself to be converted to a booty call. What I can advice you to give yourself time and space, so you will be available for the next available man in your life. If you are still meeting this person, then your mind will be occupied with him and etc. Also the EU people have the habit to bombard you with their love/attention when they feel, that they are loosing you, control over you or getting nostalgia and after they get what they want to step back and leave you wondering, what you’ve done. Better if you are dating someone else without having keeping foothold in you life, because you together can mess up everything.
I don’t understand, why do you think, that you are needy and putting pressure on him? You wrote, that you are 35, can you point similar situations with past dating experiences?
Good luck!
I want to add, your quote, “he doesn’t want relationships this period.”
He told you. Please trust him. Please believe what he is saying.
My ex said that he is interested in long-term relationship but not interested in settling down. Did I listen? No. He told me that during the first month of dating and repeated afterwards. I kept waiting.
Another thing: I reread your post – it is ALL on his term. Red flags everywhere.
Please escape.
Oh yes, so guilty of not listening to what was being said, but believing he would change his mind.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make!
Yes, he sounds like what I call a “come here/get away” type. My ex only wanted me when I treated her like I didn’t want her. Now I’ve given her back to her poor, cuckholded wife. She can keep her. I can do better and thrive more alone than with an EU cheater. Diana, you don’t need a mama’s boy EU. Run like hell!
Anxiety. Yes…That has been my status quo. Maybe this time Sis will say Yes to hanging out with me. Maybe this time Mom will give effusive praise. Maybe Dad will be fun ALL DAY, instead of turning ugly at some point.
Maybe if I don’t move, he’ll lay here longer.
I know I orchestrated my life to NOT live with anyone else, because I know I would do too much catering to the other person, and lose myself. I never entertained that maybe I need to find people who relate to me differently than my status quo has been.
I‘ve entertained surprising warm thoughts about ACMM this week, and started wondering why. I do connect the dots now…when I start trying to lose myself in ACMM, I know I am avoiding something in my real life…I’m in an anxious place…whether about my future or my present. And then I do something good for myself….declutter, write down ideas to brighten my future…. read.
Diana….I think he’s married. And playing you like a fish. If you start to run, he gets attentive. The MIDNIGHT text…that was an sexting overture…and you didn’t take the bait….so he did not try that again. You are relegated to afternoon dates…mostly text contact – lazy contact….he gets sex then blows cool immediately.
He’s keeping you on the hook in hopes of more sex, after which he will go cold.
He’s not EU, he’s just a jerk. A married jerk. IMO.
I say “married”, too. Mega-jerk. Mega-liar. Every sign is a telltale sign of a married man. Stay away. How old is he? Maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis. In any event, whatever his age, he is abusing his power. Though you weren’t going to give him sex, you ended up doing so. He abused whatever power he has over you (maybe based on you feeling that this is your “last chance saloon”?) over you. JERK.
I do think there is a “candy store” mentality about sex in the minds of Men Of A Certain Age now. Especially those that are comfortable with sexting and/or online dating. Men Of A Certain Age don’t feel they need to choose, or settle for anything less than their own rendition of Kim Karsdashian.
Hell…even celebrities who have financial peace-of-mind and the ability to pursue many avenues of interest cannot seem to stick to one person.
The internet and TV has broadened people’s perceived horizons. Men Of A Certain Age are simply interested in quantity, variety and good looks – nothing deep and nothing lasting. Lasting to them actually means “rinse and repeat” – I’ll stay until I’m bored and I’ll come back when someone else has gotten bored with me. I’ll do my best to get all I can.
I have a “church lady” girlfriend who married a very plain, uncultured man…they had a son…and his advice to their son about marriage was “don’t get married…get all you can!” So even the men who don’t possess charisma, charm, and good looks don’t want to settle for one woman….they want to taste a bite of every piece in the store.
I’m sorry, Diana, but he is EUM. Intense chase at the beginning until you’re hooked, then cool off period because you’re “too intense”, A lot od dates and suddenly, he’s got to work 12h working day. A lot of lazy communication (texting), dates mostly when it suits him (only afternoons). Also, what’s this business about must have a dinner with his mamma every evening??? Mummy’s son, and another flag of serious immaturity, “schedules stress him”. Excuse me, when you have serious obligations, eg children, schedules should’t stress you. You were only given crumbs and taught to have low expectations. I know he must be very charming and you’re having a great time habging out with him (many are very attractive and charming) but in interest of your sanity I advise you to go complete NC. You do have some feelings for him, he knows how to string women along, he can catch you you in a vulnerable moment if you hang out with him. None of us who are attracted to EUMs know how to handle them, and those who do don’t want to have anything to do with them. Before my BR days (when I started to understand characteristics and dynamics of EU relationships) I discussed my then EUM love interest and his hot and cold behaviour. She didn’t want to analyse his behaviour in great detail or length. She strongly told me that hot and cold behaviour in her books meant playing games and she didn’t allow any guy to play games with her. Of course she was right, my EUM disappeared for months, turned out he had a girlfriend etc. My friend’s been happily married for many years.
Mephista, I agree with you.
And the truth is they are so attractive and charming, and you know what makes it confusing, for us, abandoned, lost children EU women ourselves? Is that these guys look good on the paper (some of them anyway): they have jobs, education, they are consistent in calling, scheduling dates. But it is all surface!! There is nothing deeper. None.
I will never figure out whether their depth and feelings are reserved for someone else and just not us or they just can’t love. I quit figuring out. I am giving up figuring out why and what.
Diana, please move on. Don’t end up like one of us, one year almost after the breakup trying to figure out what went wrong. It’s the most confusing thing because they are not ACs. No crazy obvious violent stalking behavior. They can be quite nice, taking you out, doing nice things, and being “perfect” dating guys. You have connection with them, hot intense sex, and great conversations and laugh. But they torture your soul subtly and vaguely, day by day, week by week, like a vampire and then they leave you and you are left dry trying to figure out what happened. These are damaging experiences, trust me. Great you finished it yourself this early, Diana. Good for you!
I don’t think they can love. It is not possible because they are so self-focused. I’m sure in their minds, they are giving it 100 percent and that’s because THEY are getting their needs met. Sex, attention or what have you … the other person and their needs are not a concern.
Yes, some people look great and seem great. They seem so “nice” you can’t quite believe that they mean any harm. Naturally you come to see this as your own doing somehow. Well, it isn’t. They are like this with everybody sooner or later and it isn’t you!
M – I agree. I don’t think they can or know how to love. They get so used to manipulating people with charm and words and all they care about is self serving them. My ex is like this. He always used to tell me that he is honest. But really he just has no filter and doesn’t care what he says…he never thinks before he speaks. I should have listened when others that knew him longer told me he is selfish, he’ll never change and he’s an ass. haha This even coming from his own mom. BUT I am a Florence Nightingale and by golly I thought for sure I could help him find his true potential. He just needed someone who finally believed in him as for most of his life, no one did. But like everyone told me, he will never change.
Girls, I cannot thank you enough for this support! I had never heard the term EU until I found this site just a couple of weeks ago and I doubted myself if it was him or me who has the issues!
I have never been in such a relationship before. Men I dated always showed me they were interested in me. In fact, they were showering me with attention, I was “lucky” to have good relationships until now. Not perfect ones but I do know how it feels like when someone is interested in you!
I had lost this with that guy. By the way he is also 35 and he had told me he wants to get married and he thinks he should have already been married but hadn’t found the one.(ha ha, fool me, it did cross my mind that I could be the one 🙂
The first red flag for me was four days after we met that while talking on the phone he said to meet up in a while. Then.I thought he couldn’t wait to see me thus the last minute schedule. But then he called to arrange the date three hours later, it was already midnight!!! I didn’t answer the call but I did the next day. Should have “flushed” as Natalie says right there!
You are right and I am fooling myself to believe I can just hang out with him occasionally. I haven’t seen him in a week (we texted two days ago) and I think of him a lot during the day. So I am unavailable myself to meet someone who will be in his right mind 🙂
Thanks again! This site and all the comments have helped me tremendously these last weeks! Free yourselves girls! We all deserve to be loved!
Diana, that’s great. You got it!:)
So nice to see someone get rid of EU so early on! Congratulations!
You are doing great!
Best Wishes!
Diana, try reading “Men Who Can’t Love” too, it describes this behavior to a T. You can be sure he will come back again and again as long as you are keeping your distance from him and his anxiety dissipates. But as soon as you get hooked back in and start having reasonable expectations of consistency, he will back away again — and blame it on YOU! And read all of BR too. Good luck!
Diana,
That’s great self-worth and self-love on your part. Plus you had experienced the good guys until you had let the oddball in and saw that no, this isn’t how I should be treated and subsequently followed through on your instincts (didn’t hang around). Midnight booty call and so early in the relationship, sheesh where do these desperadoes come from?!
There’s no thinking to be done during the day anymore, he was simply a lesson for you to learn about the types of other men that are out there (unavailable, users, non-attentive unless it suits them, you’re on edge all the time with these types which is not a good place to be in and so forth). And don’t slip into the position that because guys have shown you interest in the past and this one isn’t/didn’t to the degree that you have been used to, that there is something wrong with you (his character is the questionable one unless you keep engaging then there are personal issues for you to sort out as well).
There are plenty of articles here on Nat’s site that will help teach you more about user-types in order to increase your awareness and subsequently keeping them at arm’s length. Also there are lots of articles on self-development.
The No Contact rule is brilliant so hope you follow through with that knowing the type of person he is.
Much warmth.
All the best Brenda K. I finally separated from my husband of 6 years and similar to u I always seemed to know inside it would end and when I finally got the courage to do it, the pain and sadness was not what I expected, I simply felt so much more relief and peace. Apart from his lying and cheating we were simply not suited. That change was more than 1 year ago and it is one thing I never regret. I still need to sort the divorce out, u have to be separated for 1 year here before u can divorce. It is such a relief to be free if the constant drama. All the best Barbara K.
This article was very true and I feel the same way. We get so used to the drama that a normal relationship is boring or not exciting. I have had so much drama with my ex EUM lately I have decided to block his ass. I did get a moment of karma to enjoy at least. His fallback girl went through his phone last night while he was asleep and saw all of the texts he’s sent lying about her, talking badly about her, and trying to see me and show up to my house when I wouldn’t answer and she punched him in the face several times while he was sleeping. I’m glad it’s nothing I starred and karma finally got him. Glad it isn’t my problem any more and a boring relationship sounds wonderful to me.
I love my carpenter. He’s hardworking, pleasant, does GREAT work, shows up on time, leaves your place neat every day, and charges fairly. We even have some philosophical talks, about life and love.
What’s that got to do with this post?
Well…I mentioned in an earlier post that I’d been having warm rememberances of ACMM…totally based in my own fantasy of what transpired between ACMM and me…but nevertheless….been feeling those aching longings again, maybe because ACMM has upped texting to my phone again…and maybe because I just had a nite out and met a new potential AC last weekend and maybe just too much involvement with the known “status quo” people in my life.
Anyway…ACMM texted me again yesterday and asked me for the name & number of my carpenter…he knows how highly I regard my carpenter …and my emotions suddenly gelled. I DID NOT WANT to give him the carpenter’s contact info. You don’t deserve me or him!
I DO NOT want to make ACMM’s life any MORE golden than it already is…with his high income wife and suburban lifestyle and achieving children and lovely grandchildren.
He can find his own worth-his-weight-in-gold carpenter!
I am over ACMM. So…to his text of “can you give me the name & number of your carpenter?”, I texted back a simple “No.”.
My carpenter does not need his work…I already have to juggle to get on my carpenter’s schedule…not about to give up a position to ACMM.
Gold. I think he thought you would feel special because he trusted your recommendation. That would have been his crumb for the week.
Sad, but these guys are so into themselves, they actually think they are bestowing favours on people by doing this kind of shit.
Elgie,
Why don’t you block the married man? For the respect of his family, and yourself.
You’re keeping yourself in a cycle of drama.
Hi again! I am a little confused how posting and answering back goes so sorry for not answering specifically on a question.
About my EUM being married, no he is not. I have met his best friend and family, went to his home also…All these are what made me doubt if it is him or me having issues! Lol
He has confined very personal and intimate details about his life, family etc that made me see him as mature and available for a committed relationship.
He has done NC in more than a week and now I am starting doubting again if he is EU as you say that these guys come back when they feel you left for good. On the other hand one week is way too soon and I have to stop wondering anyway because it is obvious he doesn’t care even if he is not EU.
Thanks again to all of you!
I love love LOVE this website. It’s one of my absolute favorites, honestly. It is packed with great info and I love how REAL it is. It *really* hits home. Thank You! major Kudos your way. I just had to comment somewhere immediately! 🙂
Diana,
Sorry,
That was not directed at your post, but Elgie’s.
The worst kind of pain is chosen pain. Choosing unavailable men is akin to self-harm, the antithesis of self-esteem. We have a choice. We always have a choice in who we love and whether or not we stay.