status quo of relationships Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Without integrity in our relationships, we can’t be emotionally available

August 14, 2018 By NATALIE 17 Comments Reading Time: 6 Minutes

When I talk to people about their biggest struggles with relationships, an all too common complaint is struggling to deal with someone who is not willing to go the distance with intimacy and commitment. Each time they feel as if they’re making progress, this person gradually or even very sharply rolls things back to what I call their ‘status quo’ in my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

Imagine relationships on a scale of 0-10. The type of person who struggles with progression, balance, intimacy, commitment, and consistency – the landmarks of healthy relationships – wants to keep the relationship at 5. It’s like Goldilocks and The Three Bears: not too cold, not too hot, just right. “Just right” being right for their comfort zone not necessarily for their growth or that of the relationship.

**As a result, someone who is afraid of intimacy and commitment will always manage the relationship back to their comfort zone.**

Temperature ‘too high’ and not fitting with the perception of their self-worth? Cue lowering the temperature through sabotage and passive-aggressive behaviour. Things get ‘too good’ and ‘intimate’, they’ll undermine things in such a way that it gets back on their terms. Like when you meet their friends or go on an amazing holiday, and they pick or fight or disappear afterwards…

Told them to jog on? Cue them suddenly blowing hot and you feeling as if you’re approaching 8 or beyond. You think the fantasy is finally going to come true. And then gradually the relationship slides back down to 5. Like when you end it with someone who refused to commit or who mistreated you. Next thing, you’re experiencing an onslaught of effort and big declarations about the future. And then poof, you’re back to square one again.

The frustration in these situations unreal but also is the clue to our own liberation.

One of the single most significant changes that we can make to our relationship experiences as well as our self-esteem is to be more emotionally honest and to maintain our integrity.

When we’re in an unavailable relationship, we gradually lose our integrity. If we were truly being honest with ourselves (and them), we wouldn’t stick around in the relationship for as long as we have. Being someone whose actions and words match would matter too much to give it up. We wouldn’t say, “I need this and this and this” and then stick around when it’s clearly not there on the basis that we can see so much ‘potential’. We wouldn’t say that we’re “done” if certain things don’t happen and then stay anyway because we’re too afraid to honour ourselves.

How can we expect someone to be honest with us when they’re not even honest with themselves?

Are you comfortable with your status quo?

October 29, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

If you’ve ever been involved with a Mr/Miss Unavailable, you will be familiar with being managed right down into their status quo. If you imagine that on a scale of 1-10, their status quo is that they like things to be around a 5, whatever they do whether it’s blowing smoke up your bum and promising you the world or insisting that things will be different “this time” (going into 7,8 + territory), or whether it’s at the opposite end and frustrating you to the point where things become mighty tense or you give them the heave ho, if they have their way (they love doing things on their terms), they’ll eventually manage you and things back to 5.

One of the things that I’ve noticed about us humans though is that we are very loyal to our habits, even the ones that bring us pain and keep us in our uncomfortable comfort zone and this got me thinking:

When we end up in a cycle of doing and thinking variations of the same thing and expecting different results (think Relationship Insanity + the disappointment cycle), we are guilty of managing ourselves into our own status quo. We turn down the heat on ourselves as if we’re afraid we’ll overcook it.

Sound familiar?

You accomplish something really good. Maybe you get that job or promotion that you’ve been vying for. Maybe you win that client. Maybe you buy your dream property or start that business you’ve been talking about for ages. Instead of soaking up your success and giving you a pat on the back, you enjoy the good feelings for a nanosecond and then you get into a big fight with someone that on reflection, you wonder what the hell you were truly kicking off about. Or you get in touch with your ambivalent ex to share in your good tidings (Are you on feckin’ crack?) or you go on the hunt for problems and end up whipping you into a state of anxiety.

Actions Matching Words in a Nutshell: If You Haven’t Got a Match, You Haven’t Got a Healthy Relationship But You Do Have Problems

October 14, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I see so many people practically getting a Ph.d in investigating what someone said but didn’t back up with words, or investing themselves in something that looks like a relationship but the other party has said things to the contrary, that I felt it was time to break it down.

If the person appears to behave like they’re in a relationship by exhibiting the hallmarks of one such as spending time with you, sleeping together, introducing you to people, acting like you’re in a relationship, but then says that they don’t want to commit, that you’re “just friends” or ‘Friends With Benefits’, or denies that you’re even together, or says they’re not ready, their cat’s stuck up a tree, they haven’t got clean drawers, their budgie died when they were five, or whatever, if you continue, you’re ignoring the fact that their words don’t stack up with what you believed to be the actions of a relationship.

This is basically not seeing the wood for the trees because you’ll be telling yourself that action speaks louder than words, as if having the hallmarks of a relationship without the landmarks of one, trumps someone essentially disrespecting you and your relationship. You don’t realise they are lessening their responsibility, managing down your expectations, and telling you that you have the wrong end of the stick. “This isn’t a relationship so whatever you’re reading into things, it doesn’t hold the same meaning for me. I don’t feel the same way.”

It’s time to ask yourself what the hell you’re doing with someone who will shag you, get an ego stroke, play house etc but then say things that completely contradict that? When they say stuff like “I don’t see myself settling down with you”, you must be thinking “What the what now? Pur-lease! They don’t know their own mind!” That’s like thinking they’re a bit thick and need some hand holding in the relationship department.

However, when someone says any of this “I don’t want a relationship” and other such BS that contradicts their so-called action, it’s a get out clause and forewarning. If you continue, they assume you know the deal and recognise that how they’re acting is with a backdrop to what they originally said. They haven’t changed their mind.

On the flipside, I come across an incredible number of people who are sold on the wing and a prayer of words. Some have been interacting with people who have never had their actions match the words that come out of their mouth for over five decades. That’s some heavyweight Future Faking with an even heavier does of denial, rationalising, and minimising.

When you allow someone to persistently and consistently talk a good game without delivering, it’s like allowing them to bend over in your life and fart an incredible amount of hot air.

You may be thinking “Oh but they said it so they surely must have intended it” or “People who don’t love you or don’t want a relationship don’t talk like they’re in a relationship” or “They must say this stuff because they intend to do it and then it must be something about me that’s making them not do it so if I love them enough and become a loveable person then they’ll finally come up with the goods”. These people are a violation of the Trade Descriptions Act while selling you goods under deception.

Excerpt from Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl 2nd edition: He Keeps a Foothold in Your Life

October 12, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available in print – yay – so I thought it was high time I shared an excerpt from this completely rewritten edition. In the chapter, He Keeps a Foothold in Your Life, I explain how playing the ‘Friend Card’ and popping up from time to time in your life no matter how long you’ve been apart can make it difficult for you to move on. As many of you have already discovered, it can be very tricky to shake someone with the tenacity of a cockroach after a nuclear bomb out of your life when they’re determined to keep you as a rainy day option in their back pocket…

Let’s cut straight to the chase – he can’t keep control of you and maintain The Status Quo (his comfort zone) outside of the relationship if he doesn’t have a foot in your life and is unsure of your interest. He’s all about his comfort zone, so aside from having a comfort zone for when you’re involved, he equally has one for when you’re no longer together. In his mind, you’re either going to be together on his terms or apart on his terms. As a result, he’s quite frankly a pain in the bum.

From pushing the ‘Friend Card’, to poking around in your life, to chasing you for contact, attention, and even sex, he’s devised a number of means to attempt to maintain control even when the relationship is over. He can’t commit – whether it’s to being with you or leaving you the hell alone – so he’s ensuring that you’re an option should he change his mind or have a use for you, while feeding his ego with the security of what he perceives as your affections for him. He’s rarely upfront about this so of course this wreaks havoc in the lives of any and all Fallback Girls that give him the time of day.

The moment that you appear to be moving on is when he’ll home in on you, blow hot, and set you back ten steps. You’ll readily accept his offer of his friendship because you don’t want to let go either and you keep reminding yourself how he’s so nice, what great qualities he has, and how ‘connected’ you are, and how he’s so like your soulmate except for the small problem of him being emotionally unavailable and unable to commit. Let’s just cut to the chase:

He’s not your friend and he exploits an innate human desire to be perceived as being friend-worthy.

When he suggests that you should be friends or comes back and dangles the ‘Friend Card’ when he’s trying to squeeze his way into your life on lesser terms, it’s because if you won’t give him the time of day, let alone your friendship, aside from the fact that it will be very tricky for him to keep a foot in your life, you not being his friend communicates that he might not be as ‘wonderful’ or ‘innocent’ as he believes.

There’s a universal belief that if someone is still prepared to be your friend after you’ve broken up, it means you’re a good person. Securing friendship and respect, even if it’s undeserved, becomes of paramount importance. What he’s failed to realise is that these are things that are earned and if he’s that bloody concerned with being perceived as hurting or wronging someone, it’s about time he sought for his actions to reflect this.

The Status Quo: A Quick lesson in the dynamics of drama

April 7, 2008 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Imagine your relationship on a scale of ONE to TEN.

Mr Unavailables (emotionally unavailable men) like to keep the relationship in the comfort zone of Magic Number FIVE.

His blowing hot and cold is about managing down your expectations of him and the relationship, but it is also about bringing the relationship back to FIVE – The Status Quo.

Now, we all know that we want a relationship that is a ten (or as close as possible) so much of our relationships are about getting him to change or revert back to the wonderful guy he was in the beginning, because if he does, we believe that we will get close to magic number ten.

So how the hell does this all work?

At the beginning, Mr Unavailable blows hot to reel you in. At times you will feel like you approaching the holy grail of ten.

Is He Emotionally Unavailable? How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men

April 19, 2006 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

**Please note – Since I first started Baggage Reclaim, while it’s still read mainly by women, I have a lot of male readers too, as well as readers in all types of relationship. If you’re going out with a woman, just swap he for she. Please also note that posts have been gender neutral since autumn 2010.**

In my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I share some of the most common signs and behaviours that indicate that you’re involved with a Mr Unavailable – an emotionally – and often spiritually and physically – unavailable man. In this post, I provide an overview of these signs and behaviours so that you can get a reading on your current relationship (or ‘non-relationship) situation. What I can assure you of is that their unavailability isn’t sparked by something you said or did, it’s not that they’ve ‘changed’ and that you need to find the right ‘access code’ and you’re definitely not going crazy; they’re unavailable.

More often than not, the primary issue that women focus on is the emotional unavailability but there are always physical and spiritual issues to prop it up. Mr Unavailable isn’t a Bad Boy per se and has nice qualities, which is what keeps the millions of women lingering around. To be fair – most people have ‘nice qualities’ and of course, as humans, we’re very good at rustling up qualities and seeing the best in people. This isn’t a bad quality but what we forget is that somebody’s availability and their ability to commit isn’t about ‘nice qualities’. It’s about whether they are capable of mutual love, care, trust and respect as well as whether they can come up with the goods for a mutually fulfilling copiloted relationship – the landmarks such as consistency, balance, and intimacy.

He is the ambiguous, hard to read, attractive guy that sits between Bad Boy and Mr Nice Guy. Mr Unavailable (or as some refer to him EUM – emotionally unavailable man – or EU) with his inability to tap into his emotions, his lack of self-awareness and his mismatched actions and words, has millions of women investing their time and energy into fruitless liaisons with him.

His characteristics, personality and behaviour give the women he engages with just enough of a hint of what he could be… if only he wasn’t so self-involved and messy.

He has a host of excuses as to why he can’t be as much of a partner as you would like him to be and blames “timing”, and says stuff like, “If only things were different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend”, but that doesn’t explain why he continues to play havoc with your emotions.

Mr Unavailable is very much about the chase. He pursues hard, showers you with attention and lays it on thick with a trowel in order to reel you in, but from the moment that you are hooked and things get comfortable, he backs off. Then he homes in again. This is a good time to read about blowing hot and cold, Future Faking, and Fast Forwarding. All of this behaviour allows him to run things on his terms and manage down your expectations – it’s how achieves The Status Quo. When you look at the pattern of your relationship, you will notice that it always, no matter how much blowing hot he does, rolls back to his comfort zone. It’s round about that time when you’re going to feel as if you have to go into people-pleasing overdrive or when you’re going to try and end things in an attempt to shake things up and make him want you that intensely again.

After a while it seems as if he wants to avoid doing anything that involves being close to you – think emotional intimacy – despite starting off very eagerly when he was pursuing you and unsure that he could win you. Did I mention that Mr Unavailable associates the feeling of desire with the feeling of uncertainty and being out of control? Of course this means that the moment he feels safe, it’s back to blowing lukewarm or even cold.

Here are just some of the signs that you’re with a Mr Unavailable.

If you find one sign, you’ll find many, but often one sign is enough and you should use this to evaluate whether this is the type of relationship that you actually want to be involved in because each and every one of these signs, especially when more than one of them exists, spell pain and trouble. Here goes…

He has a girlfriend or is married – read my post on being the other woman.
He’s recently separated – read my post on how to cope when he’s separated.
Or he’s divorced but using that fact to avoid committing – see my post on ‘Am I right not to go back to my flip-flapping divorcee?‘
He’s in a long distance relationship. With someone else. Or you’re in one with him and he has no desire to get closer – read my rough guide to a new long-distance relationship.
He’s very reliant on text messages, instant messaging and email for the majority of his contact – read my post on why you should be wary of any man who is reliant on text messaging etc.
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship – check out my post on defining the relationship.
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while.
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call.
He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’. Check out other translations plus you can download a quick sheet of commitment avoidance phrases.
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behaviour, or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He lives with his ex.
He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend.
He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously.
He’s openly not over his ex.
He says he’s over his ex but he’s quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship – yep, he’s not over his ex.
He often mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them.
He’s an overt mother lover or mummy’s/mama’s boy.
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother.
He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to. Ever.
He’s one big walking excuse.
He’s abusive and in fact, he’s an assclown. Note, all assclowns, so that’s people who are shady and abusive, are unavailable and have empathy issues, but not all emotionally unavailable people are assclowns.
He creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else.
He won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating.
He doesn’t come around to your place until late.
He is resistant to involving himself in your life.
He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way.
He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up.
He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship.
He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other.
He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ’emotion’.
There are pockets of time when he disappears and then resurfaces with little or no explanation.
He blows hot and cold.
He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter – Future Faking, and Fast Forwarding
He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with.
He actually says, ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, but is still with you.
He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by.
He can’t commit to anything, no matter how minuscule. Everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay.
Struggles with being genuinely empathetic. Hell, in some instances, he has about as much emotion
He may act as if he has a fire in his pants and has to sleep with you right away or very quickly…. and then blows hot and cold. Or you just don’t hear from him again…until he taps you up for sex next time he’s fishing around for attention.

Make sure you are aware of the implications of red flags in relationships (also code red and amber behaviour) having little or no boundaries.

Your thoughts?

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Guest Post – Dating Games: The Pushey Pulley Game

October 30, 2005 By Guest Reading Time: 3 Minutes

One of the most frustrating of all the Dating Games is the Pushey Pulley Game (PPG). Over the summer, many women bloggers seemed to be experiencing a blogdemic of Pushey Pulley Bullsh*t (PPB).
I’m writing this article to help women cut through the PPB. I’ll answer questions such as, ‘What is the PPG?’ ‘Who plays the PPG and why?’ ‘How to identify the PPG?’and, most importantly, ‘How to stop from being a victim of the PPG?’

Everyone, at some point, has been a victim of the PPG. You meet someone who you like, and who professes to like you. You date, or hook up, and then, for some unknown reason, they pull away, they ignore you, and/or they do something nasty. When you get upset and ask if there’s something wrong, they tell you that everything is fine, and they’re still interested. They will do this until you believe them, then they’ll repeat the cycle of ignoring you, pulling away and/or doing something nasty. And then rinse and repeat, and rinse and repeat, and rinse and repeat, until you eventually figure out that they’re full of sh*t and end the game yourself.

There are two main types of Pushey Pulley men. Type #1 is ‘The Coward.’ This guy isn’t playing the PPG to be malicious; he’s just not interested or has something else going on, and is too much of a coward to be honest about it, so he continues to profess interest while blowing you off. He probably won’t contact you a lot, if at all, but when pressed, he will always tell you that he likes you, but is just too busy. Type #2 is ‘The Malicious Bastard.’ This guy plays the PPG because he wants something from you (i.e. sex, gifts, revenge, ego boost, etc) but he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He may wine you and dine you one week, and then the next week will stand you up, and when you get upset, he’ll have a million excuses and may even blame you for his behavior. Then he’ll reel you back in with fancy words and maybe some more wining and dining, and then he’ll do something cruel again. ‘The Malicious Bastard’ will go to great lengths to continue playing this game with you and will always initiate contact, and keep it going indefinitely, or until he’s achieved his desired end.

The PPG is easy to identify. Simply put, his words will not match his actions. He’ll tell you that he likes you but he won’t call. He’ll tell you he wants to spend time with you, but he’ll never ask you out and will use the excuse that he’s too busy or he’s going through a hard time. He’ll tell you that he’ll be there for you, but will make excuses if you actually ask for help. He’ll tell you that he wants a relationship with you, but is prevented from getting too serious because he’s still dealing with an ex or he’s still not over his last relationship. These Pushey Pulley Men are, generally (and especially The Malicious Bastard) very good actors. Most of them are accomplished liars, possess no scruples and, from extensive experience, know just what to say to women to make them believe their lies. If they frequently use phrases that begin with, ‘You are the only one I ever’ or ‘I’ve never done (X) before I met you,’ etc, it’s generally a sign that they’re lying. Pushey Pulley Men will say and do things to make you think you’re special, and that’s how they will keep reeling you in.

Other signs to look out for are verbal and emotional abuse. Generally, if you catch them in a lie, or you protest about some mistreatment you’ve received, they will immediately turn the tables and insult you somehow, or act as if their behavior is your fault.

In the dating world, it’s nearly impossible not to experience it at least once. However, the best way to avoid ever having to deal with it is to recognize the signs as early on in a relationship as possible. If he lies, if he’s verbally abusive, if he insults himself, if he makes promises he doesn’t keep, if he is still hung up on or somehow tied to an ex or an old relationship, there’s a strong likelihood that you’re going to be dealing with Pushey Pulley Bullshit. And, the number one rule of thumb to remember is that if his actions do not match his words, he’s playing the PPG.

Let’s get smart, girls and stop being pawns in this ridiculous game!

About the author: After receiving a nice, wholesome upbringing in a typical Midwestern town of the US, this intelligent, witty, and frequently snarky chick, craving adventure, managed to receive her first real-world instruction on the streets of Paris. After that eye opening and somewhat harrowing experience, on a whim, she moved to The Big Apple where she was permanently corrupted. She’s an armchair psychologist and enjoys analyzing herself and others, while maintaining a deep appreciation for the ironies of life.

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