When I talk to people about their biggest struggles with relationships, an all too common complaint is struggling to deal with someone who is not willing to go the distance with intimacy and commitment. Each time they feel as if they’re making progress, this person gradually or even very sharply rolls things back to what I call their ‘status quo’ in my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
Imagine relationships on a scale of 0-10. The type of person who struggles with progression, balance, intimacy, commitment, and consistency – the landmarks of healthy relationships – wants to keep the relationship at 5. It’s like Goldilocks and The Three Bears: not too cold, not too hot, just right. “Just right” being right for their comfort zone not necessarily for their growth or the relationship’s.
As a result, someone who is afraid of intimacy and commitment will always manage the relationship back to their comfort zone.
Temperature ‘too high’ and not fitting with the perception of their self-worth? Cue lowering the temperature through sabotage and passive-aggressive behaviour. Things get ‘too good’ and ‘intimate’, they’ll undermine things in such a way that it gets back on their terms. Like when you meet their friends or go on an amazing holiday, and they pick or fight or disappear afterwards…
Told them to jog on? Cue them suddenly blowing hot and you feeling as if you’re approaching 8 or beyond. You think the fantasy is finally going to come true. And then gradually the relationship slides back down to 5. Like when you end it with someone who refused to commit or who mistreated you. Next thing, you’re experiencing an onslaught of effort and big declarations about the future. And then poof, you’re back to square one again.
The frustration in these situations unreal but also is the clue to our own liberation.
One of the single most significant changes that we can make to our relationship experiences as well as our self-esteem is to be more emotionally honest and to maintain our integrity.
When we’re in an unavailable relationship, we gradually lose our integrity. If we were truly being honest with ourselves (and them), we wouldn’t stick around in the relationship for as long as we have. Being someone whose actions and words match would matter too much to give it up. We wouldn’t say, “I need this and this and this” and then stick around when it’s clearly not there on the basis that we can see so much ‘potential’. We wouldn’t say that we’re “done” if certain things don’t happen and then stay anyway because we’re too afraid to honour ourselves.
How can we expect someone to be honest with us when they’re not even honest with themselves?
People who struggle with intimacy and commitment are so used to their habits, they sometimes don’t even recognise their own bullshit. This is human nature. We all have blind spots and bullshit created by our habits. For some it’s about how we show up in romantic relationships and for others, it’s at work or in friendships or with family.
Other people’s bullshit, however, especially our frustration with theirs, points to what needs addressing within us.
If we are not 1) being ourselves and 2) expressing our feelings and opinions, why do we expect the object of our affections and intentions to express themselves from a deeper emotional place? Wouldn’t that ask a great deal more of us than we’ve been willing to be and do? And it’s not a case of “You show me yours, and I’ll show you mine”. If we intend to be available and ourselves, that’s contingent on our actions, not what someone else does.
Sometimes we think that we will hurt a person’s feelings by being honest. Or we fear that we will endanger what we want or the relationship.
Unfortunately, from the moment we choose to keep our silence, to not be who we really are, we are doing far more damage than if we’d spoken/shown up.
I’ve been there myself. My takeaway message from earlier experiences in life and from speaking up in romantic relationships was, “Silence better, speaking bad”. That lie created far more problems for me than speaking up ever did.
I used to regard speaking up as something you do to get people to do what you want.
Hence, when things didn’t go my way, I reasoned that it was my honesty that ruined things. Not true. In truth, the longer it took for me to express myself honestly is the likelier a ‘negative reaction’. You can’t fester and avoid and then expect it to come out pretty and neat.
Me unleashing felt legitimate. After presenting their transgressions and my upset to them, I thought that they ‘should’ want to fix things, to apologise. We forget in these situations how we’ve had goodness knows how long to sit on these hurts and grievances. They, on the other hand, had a hot minute from when we decided to speak up. We reason that they did it so they ‘should’ know, but that’s an argument we use to avoid taking action. If we’re keeping our silence, we’re complicit in their self-deception. They’re sheltered from natural consequences.
For most, even when someone’s concern/grievance is legitimate, ego dictates that we initially feel shame, defensiveness and woundedness. I reasoned that because I had put up with so much that I was owed a better reaction. That, incidentally, is how all people pleasers think on some level. Turns out, it’s better to be honest rather than putting up with bullshit so that you can collect on the debt at a later date.
Sometimes we are so focused on getting the other party to be and do as we profess to need, want, and expect, that we lose sight of our own emotional and integrity compass.
We neglect to recognise where we are not stepping up for ourselves. We ignore where we’ve remained silent on things where we really need to speak our truth. This is where our anger grips us. When they don’t step up, and we’ve also lost ourselves along the way, it’s a double blow.
There’s the saying, “Water seeks its own level.”
If you want the relationship with mutual love, care, trust, and respect and you ultimately want a relationship with emotional availability, you need to be emotionally available yourself. You need to show up with some self-awareness and self-knowledge so that your values and self-care aren’t an afterthought.
That’s how you know whether you’re sharing a deep mutual connection – you still have a deep emotional connection to yourself.
When you’re in integrity, you’re not hiding from you or them. You also won’t keep trying to get something from someone who doesn’t want to share it with you wholeheartedly and honestly. Any experiences where the other party resists this won’t be seen as punishment for the past or a sign of you not being ‘good enough’ and instead will be treated as opportunities to grow further. To be more conscious, aware and present. You will seek out and vibrate with like-minded people instead.
Where to start with being honest?
- Start by being honest with you. Admit what you don’t know. Admit what you do (but that you pretend you don’t).
- Be honest about what you need so that you can provide for it through your choices but also so that the other party can autonomously decide what they will or won’t do.
- Make a list of your associations (memories, messages, perceived lessons) with honesty. Anything negative that’s coming up is the emotional charge that shows up each time you’re in the position of being vulnerable. You now know what you need to work through. Become conscious about differentiating between the past and the present so that the past doesn’t continue holding you back.
- Speak up about the thing that you keep pushing down.
- Speak up about the very thing that you’re terrified of.
- Avoid using honesty to ‘get’ something. As honest as it might seem, a hidden agenda muddies the waters. Be honest because you want to be a better version of you and to have better relationships.
- Whatever irritates you about others, use it to practice integrity with that very issue.
- Make a conscious effort to feel your feelings instead of avoiding them. Check out my 48 ideas for increasing emotional availability
And keep in mind that if your whole relationship, romantic or otherwise, is going to collapse because you spoke up or were yourself, the relationship isn’t what you think it is. Sound, healthy, intimate relationships don’t collapse over honesty or even a misfired word. Conflict, so the room to disagree and grow out of the experience, is a critical component of intimacy. In the end, if you want to be happier in and out of relationships, rather than fearing honesty, you welcome it.
Your thoughts?
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I have finally stopped the people pleasing and found my voice. It took a health situation and professional help to do this. Now I speak up and am honest but more than that I am keeping to my values and boundaries which often I didn’t. When I didn’t I felt annoyed with myself and resentful. A friend didn’t show appreciation for a piece of sewing I’d done for her. Okat you might think no big deal. But….. she said she didn’t have much money so I absorbed cost for her. Not long after she bought a smart phone costing over £200. When I completed the sewing I got no gratitude, no comment on what was high quality sewing and a beautiful item. She was howver quick enough to ask if I could make something else in matching fabric which didn’t go anywhere as I said there was no spare material. I knew there was but wasn’t doing that for her.
I took her mobile number off my phone so I didn’t get twitchy fingers and text my anger. I waited and sure enough I got a text. No comment about the sewing, saying she hadn’t rung as she’d been busy. I texted her back and explained I hadn’t rung her as I was offended by her lack of gratitude and didn’t like feeling I’d been taken advantage of. This was also followed up with a request that she didn’t contact me again and that we should leave any meetings to the social group we are in. What I was making clear is that she busted my boundaries and her behaviour wasn’t what I expected from a friend.
I can live without her in my life as I was coming to realise that she is a user and never gives anything back. Like taking lifts but never offering anything towards petrol. I’ve also noticed that she has other people running after her but I won’t be one of them. This might sound ruthless but it was two strikes and out and I was aware that she would leech off me for all she could get. My serious health problems would be met with a response of you will be okay. Err no I have a condition that could be life shortening. It wasn’t much of a friendship in that she didn’t make any effort to meet up and as Nat once said she didn’t change I got to know her better. I’ve remembered that Nat and it is so true. People might hide who they are initially to get something but they eventually revert to type. Thanks to BR and professional help I’ve learnt to be who I want to be the person I am was there but too afraid to speak up. Not now.
Thank you Nat, as always. I’m stumped here. Two years later, thanks in part to you, I now have my self respect, sense of self worth, and boundaries in tow. Yet I still want to reach out to an ex who mistreated me to see if he’s changed (now that I’ve changed). Do I “suck it and see”? Not sure how else to move on beyond these feelings. Sending love.
Hiya Nicole.
Just read your post and know how you feel- I’m in a similar place this week. It sounds like you’ve done really well working on your self esteem and figuring out what you want from a relationship. However, the clue is when you say that your ex mistreated you and I have to say it’s highly unlikely that he’s changed. If he genuinely has had the opportunity to look in the mirror and face his own shortcomings I’m sure he would have reached out to you before now. As Nat says- just because you’ve changed doesn’t mean he has.
This week I want to reach out to my ex who dumped me because he didn’t want to be in the mature, adult relationship I offered him- however after a bit of soul searching I will admit that it’s because in reality I’m having a rubbish week at work and finding dating again very daunting.
Stay strong and keep moving forward xx
You did right feisty. I read about the doll you made on another post and I thought it was very poor form of her. It’s rather a nerve to come back and ask for more from you. Self absorbed to see people as things to meet her needs instead of meeting her own needs from within. She reminds me of the flake I melted from my circle of trust…I had big deep issues, both health and financial which were met with “you will be alright you will see” and upset of how i wasnt my usual self around her and so i was a bad fwend. She also thought my car was her ticket to go places (even if they offer up juice money it’s never enough to cover wear and tear and OUR time from our life).
I’ve come across this aspartame positivity which is different from true positive attitude. It’s an avoidance of getting real and deep and certainly ppl who express this faux positivity I avoid like the plague. But you can bet your bottom dollar when a hamster dropping hits their fan, cue being on emotional udder draining duties for their drama. They just become parasites where you feel icky around them. Then you bail and feel much better, funny that
…you won’t miss her. I hope the kid loves the doll you made. Seems everybody else did. True creative gifts are envied by these peeps, oh well…
Soulfull thankyou.
Yes I work on 2 strikes and then out. I won’t miss her as she wasn’t contributing anything in my life. She would dramatise about a light bulb going in her flat which she would expect her rental agency to sort for her because she is too lazy to change a bulb or something else as trivial and I was dealing with serious health issues. It demeans how ill you are when someone says but you will be alight. For me the reality is that I’ve had to put my affairs in order which is serious stuff to deal with. Probably they say you will be alright because a) they want you to be for their benefit and b) they won’t be able to cope without leeching off someone. Either way I don’t do emotional vampires so this one can go sucker someone else.
I have just recently starting reading Natalie’s blogs and I am OBSESSED! I read Mr. Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl last year and it completely changed my life. I don’t know why it never occurred to me to read the blog, but I could kick myself!
Sorry yall, I had to get that out of the way.
She talks about being honest with yourself. This was one of the scariest parts of healing for me. I spent years lying to myself, and recognizing and accepting that I was lying to myself was so painful. Those lies were crutches to help keep me going day to day. Things like “It doesn’t bother me that hes seeing other women, our relationship is casual” or “He is sowing his oats right now, when he is ready to settle down he will realize that I am the one”. Being honest with myself was devastating, but it was one of the best things that I ever did for myself.
@nicole. I don’t think one can ever say one has ones self respect in tow. It’s not a thing that is reliably attached to you. It’s a way of life and thinking and behaving that is ongoing throughout life. We slip up all the time.
I don’t understand why you want to reach out to your ex. You say it’s because you’ve changed. I’m curious what you think the breakup and old relationship was like that would make it different in this go around. Do you think you did things wrong last time and now that you’re different it will work? Did he tell you you did things wrong? Why do you need a do over with this guy? After all you are not considering going back to other things like an old job or old apartment or the fashion you grew out of or the friends you might have left behind or that left you or old careers that didn’t work for you.
Short version: don’t call him, noooooooo!!!!
In my situation it was he who reached out to me after an absence of many months. The main context of several voice messages and even more texts: how much he has changed, how he is so very sorry for neglecting me, how he does not know any other way to ask my forgiveness. I was able to keep my distance until the text in which he said how only I ‘understood ‘ him.
So, into the vortex I went. And, as Natalie said, as soon as he knew that, the game was over for him. Poof! Gone again.
Nicole, I understand the pull, the need. Maybe, just maybe, this time he changed. Claire, what I have learned, but not wholly integrated, is that the more someone claims to have changed the less likely it is true. Sammy, when you asked Nicole “why?”, I can answer for myself. To quote Natalie “because I had put up with so much I was owed a better reaction” and, (my words) _ _ _ _, this time I’m going to get it. I can rationalize, but I can’t deny.
MillionReasons,
I could have written the first part of your post word-for-word! Coming back a few months after completely disappearing, saying all the right things, including that only I understood him, me resisting for weeks but eventually giving in, then him vanishing again because the game was over. You sure we didn’t date the same person? Ha.
Anyway, I’m so glad I read this post. Thanks Nat. You really have got a third eye for human behaviour!
Sunshine,
If he is an ultimate charmer, with brilliant blue eyes, a smile that weakens the knees, and a body that shall I say ‘inspires lust’….Well, maybe?!
Thank you, Claire, Sammy, and MillionReasons. Perhaps some context would be useful.
I came into the relationship with many insecurities. We all have them, but mine were keeping me emotionally unavailable and prevented me from being my authentic self. As time went on, my people pleasing ways and inauthenticity turned him off, and he became critical and withdrawn. These behaviors clearly exacerbated one another, and I reached a point where I could no longer take the criticism and walked away.
These are lifelong processes, but I’ve since dealt with most of my insecurities and have grown more into my authentic self. I no longer accept poor behavior from anyone in my life, romantic or otherwise. His response to my insecurities was unequivocally unacceptable and had nothing to do with me, but having done that to men myself I understand where it was coming from.
So why reach out, you ask? I have no interest in telling him that I have changed, I’m curious as to whether or not HE has grown into someone who can meet others with compassion rather than criticism. (He admitted that withdrawing had long been an issue for him and that he wanted to learn how to heal it.) And because after a few years of prolific dating, I’ve yet to meet someone with whom I’ve felt as strong a connection with. I imagine if I met said man, this desire would diminish.
I sometimes feel as if there’s a blind spot, that there’s one more lesson from this experience that might help propel me forward. Or maybe I’m just a human being and it will simply take time.
Nicole,
Nicole,
When you wrote that “he had admitted withdrawal was an issue for him” I was pretty impressed. Few men I have known admit verbally to that level of vulnerability. Then again (of course I say this not knowing him personally), I have met men who are so crafty that they might say such a thing perhaps from their own people pleasing motivations, as well as other possibilities.
The connection issue is emotionally exhausting for me, since I feel it with him for no tangible reason. I’ve heard the phrase that the heart wants what it wants. And, I want him.
With him the relationship has lasted three years but has been intermittent. I have been involved with someone else but he has relocated, for at least a year, to Bruxelles. Yes, in that involvement, especially when it was new, my obsession with the other faded, but as soon as the relocation happened my fixation has pretty much returned to him.
I recently reached out to an ex, so I will certainly not advise you not to do so. Sometimes we need to scratch that itch in order to move on. If you can approach him from a position of strength and confidence, you will probably be okay. Just remember that it was your people-pleasing, inauthentic self that felt the connection with this man and, in spite of his growing frustration, it was your people-pleasing, inauthentic self that he was initially attracted to.
Relationships have a dynamic beyond the characteristics of the people involved. You won’t be able to “know” if he is going to treat you with care and respect unless you are in a relationship with him, and I think there are a lot of risks to you if you chose to go back there. If you do decide to contact him, keep your expectations in check and be very cautious of resuming a romantic relationship.
You said that the reason you are thinking about him is because you have been unable to form strong connections with others. To me this is a major red flag that you may be seeking the familiar discomfort of an unavailable relationship.
Great food for thought, thanks Stephanie
Stephanie,
“THE FAMILIAR DISCOMFORT OF AN UNAVAILABLE RELATIONSHIP”.
Caps intentional. Very powerful statement.
Well, ya still got it! I love how you spell everything out and make it so plain.
Great post!