Imagine your relationship on a scale of ONE to TEN.
Mr Unavailables (emotionally unavailable men) like to keep the relationship in the comfort zone of Magic Number FIVE.
His blowing hot and cold is about managing down your expectations of him and the relationship, but it is also about bringing the relationship back to FIVE – The Status Quo.
Now, we all know that we want a relationship that is a ten (or as close as possible) so much of our relationships are about getting him to change or revert back to the wonderful guy he was in the beginning, because if he does, we believe that we will get close to magic number ten.
So how the hell does this all work?
At the beginning, Mr Unavailable blows hot to reel you in. At times you will feel like you approaching the holy grail of ten.
Then the novelty will wear off for him, he’ll think you’re getting too close or that you want too much, so he starts blowing cold and lukewarm to bring the temperature of the relationship to Magic Number FIVE. He is now managing down your expectations so that you learn what you will be getting from him.
You, being the ‘Accidental Drama Seeker’ and Fallback Girl that you are, will be forced to come out of the hazy glow of the new relationship and all of his charm, and you’ll be brought back to earth with a thud.
You will either pull some serious drama that will take it below five or you will throw just enough drama into the mix to force him to blow hot again and take things a couple of notches above FIVE.
But remember, ‘Accidental’ Drama Seekers are always scared. You don’t trust it when it’s good so you’ll sometimes act up a bit just to prove he’s the assclown that he is, which pushes the relationship below 5.
When it gets below Magic Number FIVE, he panics.
When it gets below Magic Number FIVE, you’re in you’re drama seeking comfort zone. YOUR Status Quo.
Say what! Yes, that is the case. It’s what you know! It’s also what you think that you deserve.
Of course, when things go below Magic Number FIVE:
He either blows lukewarm by saying just enough to re-establish The Status Quo and gets it back to Magic Number FIVE.
Or
He’ll blow hot to take things above Magic Number FIVE and buy himself some peace and quiet for a while. And then blow a little cold or lukewarm to ease you back to Magic Number FIVE.
However….
When it is above Magic Number FIVE, you are likely to be suspicious and to be fair, despite your penchant for drama, you actually have good reason. You know the drill. You know the score. You know the pattern.
You know he’ll say just enough doo doo to shut you up for a bit and then it’ll be back to same sh*t, different week. Throw in the fact that you’re a Drama Seeker and hey presto, you create some drama which drags it back to Magic Number FIVE or below, anyway. Of course, you also know how to create drama to bring it back to The Status Quo or above.
Mr Unavailables tend to blow their hottest at the beginning or when they believe that they are in serious danger of losing you. After a while, when he realises that you love a bit of drama, he gives you just enough to feed the cookie monster but will rarely blow superhot again as he knows you’re not going anywhere (or at least that’s what he believes till I came along to throw a monkey wrench in the works!)
Hee hee!
That my peeps, is drama in its most basic terms. He uses blowing and hot and cold to manage you and facilitate The Status Quo and you use drama to move the relationship up and down the scale and you also inadvertently feed into his agenda. You use drama to create the relationship that you think you deserve.
Your thoughts?
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NML, with my clown, he was blowing hot when he replied to my contacts so that I would keep making contact – just in case he needs me down the road.
I also understand now why I had to make the contacts, because he KNEW I would and he KNEW I was in love with him, no action on his part needed.
It has been 7 months for me now with NC and I have not heard from him, but reading the other ladies posts on here, it is just a question of time.
You know what, he can take his Staus Quo and put it where the sun doesn’t shine and he can blow hot, cold, warm until he is out of breath.
I have to say, I did read a lot about narcissits, didn’t want to read it at first, but oh boy he is one too. They have no real feelings, can’t access their emotion, lie, control and manipulate, I was chasing a piece of a stone.
No wonder that everybody around me got so mad at me when I went out again with him back in October 06, they could see then what took me months and with your help to learn and see.
I am so cured with these type of men, not afraid anymore that I won’t meet a normal man, one day I will.
I am so proud of you Astelle it is unreal! You have come such a long way and YOU have very much to be proud of. You sound like a different person and you’re inspiring other readers and helping them. That’s what this is all about – taking a sh*tty experience with an assclown like him and getting growth and rising above it. I am glad you aren’t afraid because fear is a pretty debilitating thing to relationships. Obviously it’s healthy to have a little fear but not the overwhelming kind that keeps you around that stone! Big hugs xxx
Asetelle – I must say that I am new to this EUM thing & you are an inspritation to me! I too had a revelation that fear is just a “feeling”. That’s all it is. We as beings are so much bigger & more powerful than a “feeling”. We can overcome this! I liked your analogy of a “stone”. That is perfect! I told NML I actually taped myself singing the “Woman in Me” by Shania Twain & sent it to my EUM in the early stages. The lyrics say “the woman in me needs the man in you”. Can you imagine how he freaked over that? LOL I laugh about it now. He never said a word about that cd! I thank you NML for all that you do for us! You are an amazing person & I will never forget you! I will def stay in touch. These message boards are a great source of insight & strength!
Kim, I am also new to the EUM thing, I had to learn from NML what it is, I hade no clue and I chased this guy for a long time.
Cutting the contact with him brought me back to sanity.
THANK YOU for all these thoughts!!! Making me feel so not alone. However: I have a bit of an unusual situation in that my EUM is someone I met online in a video conferencing program. Nothing was to ever become of the “relationship” but oh boy did he touch some heartstrings and I really enjoyed the attention. (And was all about meeting him in person)
I probably put him more on a pedestal than I should have.. and I gushed way too soon…. (hindsight is always 20/20 huh?) I never knew I was a “drama seeker?” Dayum.
He blew very hot.. very charming and availalbe for chats… then drifted and sometimes wouldn’t answer my instant messages although I could see in the directory he had been online.
Once he started to become silent.. I pulled some drama… and well..basically made a fool of myself. And things would seemingly be back to “normal”.
But I finally realized I was chasing (away) something that didn’t want to be caught. Even though he said things like “I’m really into you”…. ” You gottta understand I’m into you” (in response to my doubts).
There was no “break up” or break off… he has just become silent…. DEADLY!! I HATE IT!!! so I’m pulling the NCR…. and see what happens.
I can’t belive how emotionally attached/addicted/ I was/am and how much this all affected my self esteem. So anyway… going to try to hang in there. But in my mind after my NCR of 21 days .. I have this long email already started in my head. Probably not a good idea huh? Feels like a stand off now. UGH.
Anyway.. thanks for letting me feel like I’m not alone!
I don’t know if I like Drama. I might. I might just need more insight into myself to see it.
Wow! I can’t believe that this article hit the nail on the head. The man I was involved with(or should I say sleeping with for 4 yrs) did exactly as this article spoke about to the T. It’s been 3 months now since he blew up on me over the summer and said all those hateful things to me(leave me alone and to never call his house again) and I have to honestly say that I feel a lot better knowing he is tormenting some other woman instead of me. There are days I have to admit that I wish he would say something and it bothers me sometimes that he hasn’t even tried but outside of those few times I know now I am much better off without him.
I have even started to date other men here and there. They are a very nice distraction from all the BS and who knows one of them might just turn out to be “the one”.
Hi Everyone,
I too have dated a guy who is sooo emotionally unavailable. In the end i realised its all a game. For this guy i was dating it was all about the chase. When I was really keen on him he was always claiming to be not looking for a relationship. But as soon as I moved on to someone better who was available, he was chasing me so much but i had enough I changed my number and I was happy with the new guy. neway a few years down the track and I end up running into the unavailble guy which was at the same time I had broken up with my ex and obviously there was some unfinished business there and I was actually very over him but he came on veryyyy hot unlike before and lured me back in, once i was hooked again he couldnt care less. so i changed my num & ignored him 4 a month n then thought to call him bk to see wat he was up to because at this stage I knew it was all a game and the thrill of a chase. and guess wat he was practically begging to see me. im sick of it hes got this charm that i will never 4 get but im out there living my life meeting cool ppl and i wont let myself live in a fantasy. in the end it was all just a game. we deserve better.
NML,
I would like to learn more about something you wrote in this article…… “he reflected every negative thing that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships”.
Could you go more in depth? I am trying to think about his negative qualities and tie them in with what I believe about myself and I’m getting confused…..
He’s the typical ‘mr. unavailable. Mixed with a little ‘seductive withholder’ and I, sadly (un-be-knownst to me until I started reading your blogs) have become the ‘Fall Back Girl’…… so what is it about a unavailable/seductive with-holder’s negative qualities are you saying that I believe to be true about myself?
THANKS SO MUCH!!
This is spot on. I’ve been with my current EUM / NPD boyfriend for three years, before him a man whom I think had/has histrionic personality disorder…and before that, 11 years of no dating at all after scary dating situations with men who were dangerous criminals. Drama and attraction to men who are not only emotionally unavailable but also dangerous are patterns that I am so very ready to give up. I grew up with a narcissistic, violent father – that he has been the model for my adult relationships is beyond sad and creepy. Now that the drama pattern has been established, Natalie, what are the steps toward giving that up?