A few days ago, I spent about an hour catching up with one of my closest friends who lives overseas. Amongst the many things we have in common, we share a chequered dating past. Between the two of us we managed to date some really atrocious men! We’ve both had our dark moments and we both readily admit that it took quite a while to get over our worst choices and betrayals, but do you know what? We were in hysterics laughing as we ‘reminisced’.
In the past we’ve both been though the blaming ourselves or just feeling completely mortified that we would even have found ourselves in our situations, but the reactions whilst understandable to an extent, were a waste and if we had focused on those feelings, we’d never have moved forward.
At the end of the day, it’s better to have loved misguidedly and got the frick out than it is to have continued to stick at a poor relationship in a death do us part, I’m gonna make you love me if it kills me mentality.
In facing the truth about where we’ve been, what we’ve been doing, and who we are or think we are, it’s not so that you can flog the crap out of yourself with self hate and blame, it’s to galvanise you into taking action.
To dine off blame and hate is to drown yourself in negativity because at the end of the day, if you’re still struggling to get past something that has happened or a guy that is clearly an assclown, by obsessing about this, it’s because you are going over and over in your head what you said and did so that you can blame yourself even more and stay invested. Now whilst we all probably go through a little period of doing this, what is the point in doing this over an extended period of time?
Remember that these are just more things that we do to delay the inevitable and waste time and the worst thing about this, is you’re the only one standing still and these men are getting on with their own lives.
I believe that when we finally see the light about these men, they serve as overgrown, manchild tools to guide us to a far more positive, healthier place…that doesn’t include them, or the blame or the hate for that matter.
Whatever has happened, at some point, you need to forgive yourself. Forgive you. The sooner you do this, the sooner many of these things recede into the distance and you actually like and love yourself.
Have a good weekend,
NML x
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out next week but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Oh NML, I love this post ! (But then I always love your posts 🙂
What you say is so true… It’s only being able to see clearly, let go of the shame and the blame and the pain BECAUSE YOU SEE CLEARLY, and then take action, feeling/thinking/behaving differently (with healthy self-esteem and boundaries) in the future that makes life go from an anxiety producing roller coaster to consistent contentment instead – with or without a partner.
Hope you are having a good weekend.
Loving Annie
I so agree!
The hard part has always been moving on with your head held high, but with some reflection as you indicated.
Cheers!
This post has come at a time that I most needed it but I am having trouble accepting it. My EUM basically let his colors shine through this past week telling me he has a new fallback girl (not in those words) and then telling me I should just lie to nice new men I am meeting if I want to keep them around (as I had said I was trying to take things slowly with new guys but it was tough). He said just tell people what they want to hear. Anyhow I lost it the next day and sent him the meanest things. Well actually not really… he went on and on about how great he is and can get anyone he wants and will get rid of this next woman when he feels she wants too much. He also revealed some other things about which he had been dishonest. I firmly put him in his place (he is a fun, sexy guy but he is in a poor job, is irresponsible with money, in debt etc) and reminded him that he is not the god that he seems to think he is. I just got sick of being patronized, of his crass tone and outright arrogance. It was too little too late, I looked petty and mean and he called me and left this sad message saying that I was immature and stooped very low. I am having a hard time forgiving myself. I was not graceful, I lost control as always unable to deal with the pain of rejection. It was embarrassing. In some ways I felt strong finally standing up for myself. I was sick of being cheery while talking to him (we ran into each other at the gym) and acting like life was great trying not to show I was bitter. I finally just felt like who does this guy think he is!!! But now I feel badly… he was not great to me but my own anxieties also created a lot of issues and some days I am not sure that I didn’t build him up to be worse than he was and now I will never know. Maybe we would have been friends like he said? I never gave it a chance at the end I just came out lashing when he rejected me so angry for the pain he caused, the lies he told and then for him to just walk away and leave me there in a pile on the floor.
I am not proud of how I behaved and I am struggling to forgive myself knowing I have created an enemy out of someone I really cared for.
Dazed and Confused, you must indeed be ‘dazed and confused’ because this is a classic example of what in essence boils down to an assclown turning the tables on you. Suddenly you’re doubting yourself and worried about making an enemy of him. Why are you blaming yourself? You have a right to your feelings. That means you have a right to be annoyed and a right to feel angry, and personally, I believe you would (if you did) feel right to no longer be friends with this guy. For a start, you need a good long break of at least 3 months, but ideally 6 to 12 months before you can be friends and this is actually proven by your reaction. *The advice he is giving you – that’s what he’s been doing to you – telling you what you want to hear so he can keep you around!*
I think you are giving this guy way too much credit and waaaay too much of your time and waaaay to much of your shame and blame. I don’t see what’s so attractive about him because very of your description would have me killing myself to meet him. You’re there telling him how you feel, telling him *your* struggles and this jackass is telling you about some new girl he has met and then talking down to you? I think it’s about time you did tell him what you think and instead of doubting your actions and the strength of what you did, stand by it. He’s the one who is petty and immature and he needs to grow up, get some responsibility and get a decent J.O.B. You need these men to be an enemy because they’re not fit for relationship or friendship purpose and you need to grieve and move on. I really feel for you but your energy is really placed. Hugs x
Thank you. I had been doing well and getting on with life. He had changed gyms so I was completely free of him… and then there he was. I was pleasant and smiled and suddenly he took off the mask and there was no need to be nice anymore. I guess some days I “doubt” that he was an assclown as you say because I know my anxieties and issues caused me to blow up about little things. I am seeing a professional and see where I have a lot of attachment and abandonment issues. By the end of the relationship, he was kind when he broke up with me but I just lost it told him how mean he was etc. So of course we were not going to be friends! But I took this as more evidence of his lies. He does fit the mold of many of your descriptions, hot and cold, but I guess I never had PROOF that he cheated, of lies, just my gut and so I doubt myself and that I may have just said the meanest things to a person who simply did not like me and I was too pig headed to accept rejection. Perhaps it is me who is too arrogant I think? I go back and forth remembering awful things he did, but nice things he did and then think “was it just me and my overbearing clingy ways that caused him to run away?” Maybe he would have been kind… he has called me on a few occasions, we have spoken… but each time he is cold, condecending, I say I miss him he says nothing. Anyhow this week after I told him what I thought of his life he told me never to contact him again. I guess I find myself doubting as he does not fit the mold of a lot of these men these other women have dated. This went on for only a matter of months, not years. He walked out of my life at the end, said horrible things to me this week and cut me off. He seems quite confident in not needing me again and so I am confused that like many of these men he does not butter me up when he calls in order to try and keep me around. He offered this week to set me up with one of his friends!!! This does not sound like a man who needs attention from me… He has got on with his life, doesn’t ask who I am dating or seem to care if I am dead at a roadside. While he did say he would “come back for me” when we broke up he then just left. So I guess some days I think was this guy normal and it was all me because unlike these other men he is not toying with me trying to keep me around. He has rejected me on all levels, told me to never speak to him again, and certainly doesn’t seem worried that I am not calling him up. It just doesn’t seem to fit with the ego boost that they would require.
Dazed,
You said that your EUM let his colors shine through last week? Did you get in contact with him, did you call/e-mail him?
You seem to think that he is “different” than all the other guys women on this site write about. That is not true, the stories are very familiar.
He told you to never contact him again and ugly things were said. I believe that some women cut the CONTACT before it it even got ugly – I know I did.
You said, he does not butter you up to keep you around. Dazed, he doesn’t have to, he knows you still love him!!
NML is so right, this assclown did turn the table on you!!
Please stay away from him and don’t have any contact with him.
Hi Astelle,
I did not contact him we ran into each other at the gym. He stopped going there 2 months ago and then showed up again. We ended up just chit chatting, then some text messages were sent. Otherwise no I didn’t call him up. Thanks I needed to be reminded I feel so turned upside down I am not even sure what is what. You should be proud of yourself for having cut contact… I will admit though I am not proud I lost total control at the end. I felt like a crazy woman honestly who just couldn’t handle the emotional roller coaster and some days I would lash out, then say I’m sorry, then scream at him again I seemed emotionally unstable because this was how he made me feel allllll the time. Anyhow it’s over. And when the adrenaline of the drama stops all we are left with is pain. I think I am sad because I created more drama this week, it was me who did that.
Dazed,
I feel your pain – having been there with my eum, sometimes walking away is the hardest thing to do, especially as you’ve invested so much time and effort with this ass clown. Sometimes you need that metaphorical bop on the head to see him for what he really is.
Now is the time to start being nice to yourself, because you need to start looking after you. This might sound selfish, but think of it this way – you’ve expended all this energy on him, and the way you feel now is a product of that. Imagine if you took all of that energy and put it into taking care of you?
All the best sweetie,
bb
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am struggling as we speak to forgive myself and detach emotionally from what I now can see was a horribly toxic relationship. I have no idea what I would do without your wisdom at this time in my life!
I want to thank everyone I have met on this site for their support. I have found the hardest part of all this is that most of my friends think that I just dated some guy who was not that in to me and they don’t get why I can’t move forward. It has been so helpful hearing that I am not the only person who has felt confused and drawn in by these charming men who make so many promises. I am glad that their are men and women out there who are willing to share their stories in order to help others. NML thanks for this site.
Ladies and NML,
I wanted to let all of you know that I finally had a breakthrough. after many weeks of mulling over everything and obsessing about the EUM, I have finally let go. I realized after our last conversation that there was nothing special about this assclown, he wasn’t “deep” or in need of understanding. He’s an asshole. period. I laid out my boudaries, etc, and he told me that if the “old” Holly, the one who bought him gifts and came to visit when he had time, didn’t exist anymore, then there was nothing left. Then, magically, the blinders came off and I saw him for the toad he is. He is a user, and always will be. I’m just sorry it took me 4 yrs to see that. It was amazing how quickly he was ready to stop talking when I put my foot down and told him I would no longer continue this charade. Thanks NML, you helped loads. I needed some thing to light a fire under me.
I just recently found your site, and fell head over heels in love with it. I find myself laughing at myself reading some of your articles, and realizing that it described some of my past behavior.
I have also found out, that when you forgive yourself, everything else falls into place, like magic. You instantly forgive you and him for all the injustices. You no longer need to be angry with anyone, but magically find yourself feeling indifferent instead.
Hello I am new to this site/Postings. Why is it soo hard to believe that these men won’t change? I just recently broke up with my unavailable man…. he lives with his wife (or the mother of his kids) and the two kids. We met at work and he started to want to start a “friendship” with me– as he put it. And little by little I listened to his story. Of how hard life has been for him being here illegally, having to support his family here as well as in Colombia. How unhappy he is at home– that all the love has gone from a relationship that he has been in for 12 years with the mother of his kids. That he sleeps on the couch and that his kids mean the world to him and that is why he cannot just up and leave but will one day when he has his life together. So ofcourse what did I do? I proceeded to want to be the one who helped him get his life together! We started off speaking on the phone, and then soon it became a relationship. I saw him at work every day ofcourse….and then he would come to see me at my place— like once a month (Talk about taking crumbs!) And this is because I had to ASK for the time!!! Not because it came out of him to say– you know babe, I want to see you so Im gonna make time. I stood by him thick and thin. I listened, I helped, I supported…. I married him so that he could get his papers!!! (Yes ladies…. i lost my mind!) Deep down i wanted to help him as a person, but I also felt that I loved him and wanted to be the “one” who could prove to him how much love i had and also to be the one to change his life. I even bought a car under my name to help him … thank god that at least he is responsible and has not screwed me over with the payments!!! Ofcourse— I also added him onto my car insurance policy! Needless to say I do take responsibility for my participation in this whole mess…. and for believing what I wanted to believe. For allowing him to Manage down my expectations every time. For lieing to me even after all I had done! There was always an excuse …. first it was… well I cant really come see you because I dont have a car… well I got him a car! Then it was…. yes but you know that I have to go home to my kids! I have to pick them up today from Grandma’s house and stay with them. Needless to say all I ever wanted and asked for was “TIME” with him. I tried to be understanding, I tried to be patient…. but I always found myself asking for more. When I did, there always seemed to be an excuse!! Oh im such an idiot!! Because instead of bailing— I tried to be even more patient, more understanding, more supportive!!! And now eventhough I just couldn’t take his lieing anymore and i mustered all the strength to end it with him — I still can’t stop wanting or wishing to still have him as a part of my life. Its only been a week so I know– thats not a lot of time that has passed but we work together, Im married to him (legally) and we have this car and credit card situation together. I minimize our conversations to only have to do with either work or payments and do not engage or allow him to engage me into further conversations about his life or mine etc…. Like NML says: He is not my friend! But I sooo want him to be!!! Ofcourse because of my indifference, he called me the other day (I picked up– thought it was about a bill or something etc…) and he said he was sorry. That he loved me the best way he could, that he never promised me anything more, that he appreciates everything I have done. That I have changed his life and been a great friend and that I will always be special to him. That regardless of what I may think, he loves me, has missed me and wanted me to know that. I said– thank you for the phone call…I appreciate it — have a goodnite…. and continued with my indifference. Is there any chance that he could really be remorseful? Is there any chance that he could have really loved me and appreciated me? Im struggling with that right now…….. some days I see him for what he really is, and other days I just can’t help but to want to be nice and have everything be ok again! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why do I want to believe him soo bad? Why do I still want to be with this person who has lied, cheated and not valued or appreciated me although he thinks he has? Why is it so hard? Can I be friends with him? Can’t I just forgive and let it go? Ugh!!! I cant… I know…. because I cannot enable him any longer or accept his behaviour anymore. I have let too many things slide that I lost my self respect and im sure like NML says: He is just waiting for me to get over it and come around again i set a pattern in motion and he knows it. How do I get through this?
Thanks for listening