Since the start of this year, I’ve been training for the London Marathon. In order to push myself beyond my own expectations of what I could do (I hadn’t done any long-distance running before), I’ve utilised my own teachings about No Contact, inner critics and perfectionism. A key lesson I’ve learned is: don’t let your inner critic convince you that what you did was a fluke.
When you step out of your comfort zone (the place where your inner critic likes to keep you so that it doesn’t have to be afraid and it can remain in control), your inner critic changes tack. With its contrary ways, it goes from scaring the bejaysus out of you about failure, humiliation, abandonment and other disasters that will befall you, to now acknowledging that you can do [whatever it is]… but claiming it was “luck”.
I started from scratch and felt as if a couple of kilometres was hard work so when the app expected me to run 7k less than three weeks into it, I thought it was crazy. I did it though and ran more than that just a few days later. The experience taught me an invaluable lesson about life and taking big leaps into the deep end when we want to keep prepping and hanging out in the shallow end: Sometimes we need to take big leaps in order to challenge what we don’t even realise is our small mindset.
We need to bust through our limitations so that even if we doubt ourselves in the future and attempt to regress, we know deep down that we are capable of more.
Let’s say that you were No Contact (this is when you insert some much-needed boundaries into your life by cutting contact with your ex so that you can regain your sense of self, process the loss and begin to move forward). At the start, you didn’t believe that you would make it through a day, never mind a week. You manage 6 weeks before you break it. Deep down, you know that you can do it. You’ve already defied your own expectations.
Us humans are funny creatures and there’s a couple of things that I’ve noticed that we do across all habits we’re trying to break or implement:
1) We talk ourselves out of it. It’s not because we actually can’t do what we’re intending or trying to do but because we ride the emotional train of thought to I’m Not Good Enough.
2) We are afraid of our purpose and our potential. We’re afraid of success and conversely afraid of failure. We fear being out of our uncomfortable comfort zone lest we discover that the stories we tell ourselves, not just about our capabilities with this (the new habit) but also about our past, aren’t true. Why? Because we’d have to change.
Take the breaking No Contact example again:
Much as you might be criticising you for failing, on a much deeper level, a part of you is going, Hold your horses! You do know that you’ve actually been doing pretty good, don’t you? This totally flies in the face of everything you’ve been telling yourself. Maybe you don’t need to be dependent. Maybe this person isn’t the centre of the universe. I think you were hiding out in this relationship.
Yep, that’s some scary stuff for the average human to be confronted with!
In this situation, it’s as if you go, Jaysus! Wait a feckin’ second! I only wanted to break up, to not feel like utter dirt. OK and yeah, maybe I wanted them to feel at least a bit bad and come crawling back claiming that they’ve changed. I’m not trying to confront family stuff or take charge of my life.
So… what happens next when we’re in this situation?
We sabotage. We deliberately, whether we recognise it or not, avoid replicating that previous effort and success so that we avoid the bigger thing that we’re afraid of.
I’ve had clients go through remarkable periods of change. Breakup, move, new career or business, looking and feeling the best they’ve felt in ages, travelling, loving life, maybe even meeting new people or a special someone. Then… they drink the inner critic moonshine.
The inner critic tends to take a different tack. Instead of berating, it forecasts doom under the guise of ‘just’ keeping them abreast of ‘the realities’. Next thing, someone who was feeling confident and hopeful does a sharp turn. Maybe they start comfort eating like there’s no tomorrow. Maybe they call their ex.
On some level they’re afraid that all of this growth is going to blow up in their face and leave them exposed.
It’s not a fluke when, after what may have been a difficult chapter in your life, good things start to happen, especially when you’ve taken strides to try to shift your life in a different direction and are endeavouring, even if it feels weird at times, to take better care of you.
It’s not a fluke. Don’t disregard growth to slide back to an identity that isn’t respecting the truth of who you are.
In those times when you’re tempted to ‘go back’, to self-sabotage, it’s important to remind you of what you actually want.
Logically, even emotionally, you may want to rise to the challenge in a number of respects but we all have a subconscious. It’s basically our mental filing system of past events and it’s running most of the show.
You might ‘pull the file’ on achievements or view associated ‘files’ (accomplishments, talents, failures, mistakes, success, envy, jealousy, competing and the list goes on). If that file in your subconscious says, “I’m not good enough” (how you feel and your beliefs), you might decide to acquiesce to your inner critic even though you’ve been given an outdated picture of you.
Your subconscious isn’t based on yesterday, never mind the recent past. If, for example, you’re forty like me, it’s stuck in the eighties!
Even if it’s not about being not ‘good enough’, you might be plagued with doubt, giving up or feeling as if the change is ‘wrong’.
New habits don’t feel weird because they’re wrong. They feel weird because they don’t feel true to the identity that you’ve typically associated with.
This is where knowing what you want helps a great deal.
I’ve always seen myself as a sprinter. My identity wasn’t runner or marathon runner. This was based on a vague recollection of a difficult cross country experience at school… thirty years ago. I’m discovering that I am a runner.
Boundaries, self-care, self-discipline, and lots of things have not been part of my identity in the past but they’re part of it now. I didn’t think I could get through a day, few days or few weeks of No Contact and yet, I did. Granted, it took a few attempts but I got there in the end.
Your inner critic and younger versions of you sometimes have distorted and outdated perceptions of your self-image. It’s your job to update and challenge them. It’s your job to put the limitations that you impose upon you to the test so that you can grow. Agreeing with inner criticism that makes you feel rubbish because it corroborates and reinforces negative beliefs, keeps you stuck in the past.
Every little thing that flies in the face of self-imposed limitations is progress.
What you think you can’t do and what you actually can’t do, are two very different things. Allow you to discover this.
Your thoughts?
I’m running for my late father’s hospice and you can donate here. Every little helps.
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So true as always. Your site has been a huge help to me. It’s keeping me from going crazy at the moment.
The guy I was seeing decided two days ago we were done via a text message. This situation has been going on for more years than I care to admit. I had tried everything to get him to care about me, and thought that if I kept hanging in there, he would eventually fall madly in love with me, lol!!!
Now he has told me if I contact him again he will take out a Restraining Order. I don’t think I have ever been more embarrassed or humiliated in my life. I feel like I have turned my life inside out and upside down for nothing. That I meant absolutely nothing to him and he used me for sex.
He is blaming me for problems he is having at work, and just about everything else that has gone wrong in his life. The worst part is I feel if I hadn’t been so needy and hadn’t worried so much about where we were going in the future, he might not have ended things.
He told me he is going to start seeing other people and that what we had was fun and that was all it was ever suppose to be, but he needs to move on.
I feel like I have supported him when he needed it and I really think I’ve been used. I don’t know if I am ever going to be able to get on with my life and move forward. Or whether I am always going to feel like I am awful person and if I had been less pushy he would have loved me.
My head is telling me time will fix things, and I will get over this, but my heart is saying something different.
Any advice would be welcome as I am really struggling.
Feeling your pain. What helped me most was accepting that I was to blame in enabling his treatment of me and thereby taking back some feeling of control. I realised he wasn’t the one in control as I felt because I had given him that power so therefore I could take it back. I feel when we are rejected an instinct to deny and to chase kicks in which is sooo damaging because it just leads to more rejection in the long term. If you can accept he has a problem and so do you and this doesn’t make you bad people but it does make you incompatible atm that can help too but the bit I struggle with is moving on because it’s so hard to give up the hope that he might come around. Meditation helps me be more accepting and I wish I’d tried it years ago.
Thank you for your comments and that you took the time to respond. xx
He is immature and classic blaming others for what has gone wrong in his life without looking at himself and his behaviour. Whilst it will hurt there is nothing you could have said or done that would have changed this outcome.
If you feel you were needy and worrying about the future than you can work on these though I doubt being the opposite would have changed anything. He air bagged you and then moved on. But….. only a coward ends a long term relationship by text. Better off without him.
You seem to assume that if you were less ‘pushy’ he would have loved you. I think it’s as likely that if the relationship had the potential for love, you wouldn’t have been so pushy. You would have felt more secure and less desperate and less crazy. You picked someone you were incompatible with and then didn’t allow the relationship to end.
Perhaps you are always pushy and that is something for you to fix. A restraining order is a serious thing and it’s worth looking at yourself and questioning why you allowed yourself to be used for years. Your interpretation is also a bit ambiguous- love and pushiness and using or being used are not the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. If you were less pushy you would probably have been more used. If you were used, why do you still have hope? It doesn’t add up.
About moving on: I think it’s ok to not move on immediately. Take your time. I haven’t moved on from my last relationship. It takes me a while usually. I tend to downplay my own needs so when relationships end I have to process the ways in which I didn’t have my needs met and my own responsibility in being passive. I don’t usually feel I did anything wrong. Mostly I regret not getting out earlier. I do not reach out to these people once it’s over. I don’t hold out hope. When they contact me, I am polite and cut the contact short. So I move on slowly but I am not deluding myself nor am I trying to force someone to ‘love’ me.
If you are being pushy it’s because you are feeling entitled to his love. You cannot see that even really nice people that behaved well can be rejected or left or have a bad relationship. You are not entitled to anyone’s love. People can and do move on and it’s okay. It hurts. You will obsess. That’s ok too. But it’s not ok to reach out to the other person or try to engineer meetings or delude yourself. Be honest. Take the time to face yourself. Make lists of what went wrong this time so you don’t repeat it and can read it to feel better about the break up.
Thanks Sammy,
I probably wrote this in a hurry and may not have made sense. I was a little shell shocked. I’m not some crazy stalker, lol!!!
This had been an on and off situation for well over 5 years and to suddenly be told for no obvious reason that it was over and if I turned up at his house he would get a restraining order and ruin my life, really threw me. I gave no indication that I would do anything of the sort. I simply asked for closure not just a text message.
He is also blaming me for his business going badly, that other people at work are scared of him and it’s due to all the stress I put him through!!! The stress apparently came from me asking where I stood!!!
Just to clarify, we lived in different towns, but I was seeing him every weekend. (Me going to him, always). I spoke to him every couple of days and that was it. I wasn’t allowed to call through the day and embarrass him at work!!!
I think the bottom line is I’ve been stupid and I should have been smart enough to see the signs. I loved him and thought I could get him to love me. Which is ridiculous I know.
I feel I was given mixed signals, but I still feel totally stupid and devastated and just used.
I just having a hard time moving forward.
Thanks for your advice. x
It sounds like you are doing better already. I know it sucks the way he ended it, but it really was for the best. Only a total break was going to get you out of that situation where neither one of you was happy but you couldn’t walk away. On and off is not the road to happily ever after. It sounds like you had a habit rather than a relationship.
You aren’t stupid. Many of us have made that exact same mistake. You need to dig deeper to figure out why it was you were willing to stay in that situation. And why you needed him to tell you where you stood when you probably already knew the answer. I came to BR because of a relationship where I hung around waiting for him to clarify where I stood. Truth be told, I knew where I stood; I was only clinging to the desperate hope that I was wrong.
Here’s what Natalie has taught me over the last 5 or 6 years:
1. NO CONTACT works! Not at first, but eventually my head cleared of the “misty watercolor memories,” and I finally realized with my narcissistic ex, there was no there there. Easy to stay away from an empty suit who never once matched my love for them.
2. People in my life who can’t accept my boundaries don’t respect them or me, so they gotta go. A second chance is a final chance. I’m not a baseball game with three strikes, I’m a human with a few easy boundaries that anyone can follow, unless they can’t or won’t. Not my problem.
3. When I get stuck in a resentment, anger or depression, I know now that I can always choose to be about as happy as I want. I can get over the negative stuff when I either tell myself to let it go, or tell my higher power I need guidance, and that never fails.
4. Big changes, like throwing someone major out of life, hurts for a while but not as much as enduring that same assclown for the duration. When I die, I don’t want any human barnacles sticking to me or my casket.
5. Clutter is bad and it reflects a cluttered mind, heart or soul. Whenever I get rid of old junk, I make room for new stuff , be it clothes, books or people.
This makes so much sense, thanks so much xx
I like it. Like you said in no 2, I am two strikes and then out. You said exactly what I feel about my boundaries not being respected.
I am in my second “non-relationship” relationship.It’s been 3 off and on yo-yo years. He is a nicer person than the first guy was. The first guy dumped me via text after almost 3 years and I thought I would die for months until I met Mike. I thought we were solid for about the first 4 months and then he started backing off and telling me he didn’t want a relationship. I broke it off, but soon went back and settled for a few hours of happiness here and there, sex, someone to talk to,go out to eat, fix things at my house,etc.I ended things a few times. One time I even stayed no contact for one month. I believe with the 1st guy, I never would have ended things, he HAD to dump me, and it was for the best but it just about killed me. Eventually I got to that point of realizing it, I’m still kind of in the process of realizing it. I feel like I love Mike but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he has made it very clear he considers that we do have a friendship and he would even stop having sex if I wanted to and we would just be friends and I feel like it would kill me. This situation makes me feel like I am “not good enough.” I don’t need this and I wish I could just accept a FWB situation, but it’s been bad for me I guess. I cannot accept a FWB. The thought of not having Mike in my life is extremely painful. I just turned 60 and my Mom passed in December. Everyday I feel very conscious of the passage of time. I am sad that I am alone.
Catherine, you are still grieving your mother and are vulnerable. Grief for a mother can take a long time. When my mother died I was shunted in the rear 5 weeks later and had a whiplash injury that ended my horse riding and took 18 months to resolve. I parked my grief for my mother to concentrate on getting better and then the grief came back. Dealing with my mother’s death changed my perspective on a lot of things and grew strong having the time to deal with that and the injury.
Mike was actually really honest with you and you didn’t take the get out of jail card he put on the table. Sadly if you then devalue yourself which you did by staying and settling for crumbs, he like many men will take what he gets as in getting the milk free so no need to buy the cow. You don’t have a relationship with him and need to accept that. He also doesn’t want to continue having sex as he feels better if he doesn’t. I feel that you are looking to him to fill the void left by your mother’s death and he won’t do that. You also need to look at the reality that if he meets a woman he thinks is the one he can have a full relationship with he will go. But……. for me as a woman if I met a man and he had a woman lingering in the background I wouldn’t go there. I need to know that a man is definitely single because a FWB situation tells me he lacks integrity and uses women. My ex brother in law once met a woman who said she was looking for marriage and children, he was looking for fun (read sex) and someone to pass time with. I told him that he needed to let her go so she could find what she wanted an explained that if he didn’t she would eventually resent him and this could affect other relationships she might have. he let her go.
I suggest you take some time out, grieve your mother and build yourself up to position of strength. You don’t need Mike in your life and being needy isn’t going to help you or him. Far better to date from a position of knowing what you want, being happy and having boundaries in place, then there won’t be Mikes and men like him in your life to cause angst. You also have to understand how your behaviour resulted in this situation coming about and work on that as I am sensing that your self esteem is low.
Karen I like what you said “Easy to stay away from an empty suit who never once matched my love for them.”
What perfect timing!
“…taking big leaps into the deep end when we want to keep prepping and hanging out in the shallow end…”
Yes. I’ve been astonishing myself at how well I have been doing on the training ground with the practice drills and jumps, but keep balking and balking at that big leap as I get down to executing my plan of attack to launch a new career. I know my parachute and all my gear are in good working order now, but still every time that hatch opens and it’s my turn to jump, I keep having to make another trip to the bathroom, saying, “Not quite yet! Give me one more week. I’ll do it next week.”
I need to laser-focus and work out what is that bigger thing that I am afraid of.
P.S. Thankfully I have this to take my mind off the recent bust-up of my post-divorce “situationship”. I think I am just about ready to chuck up that massive psychic hairball! 🙂
After 3-4 months of dating a man who I was starting to think might be a keeper, I ‘m now single (again). This man started off so well, but over the last 4 weeks he decided he was going to ignore me (unanswered calls/texts and silent treatment for days on end), and started using work as an excuse for not keeping arrangements or initiating any contact/dates.
To this day, I’m completely clueless about why he decided to distance himself from me in this way. I suspect it may have something to do with me inquiring when we would get to spend some time together – as he’s been super busy with work and also came back from a 2 week holiday with his boys. When asked if he was OK or if there was anything the matter, he’d say everything was fine, he’s just busy etc. When pushed further (if there’s ever a problem I try to fix it – I’m not a mind-reader so we need to discuss it), he’d shut down completely and refuse to communicate with me at all.
I should’ve taken this as my first red flag, but I just assumed that I’d said or done something to upset him and that this was his way of dealing with it (by creating a bit space so he can process). I knew he was a passive and non-confrontational type of guy from the start, but I didn’t think it would extend to him not speaking to me at all – even just to share his feelings or tell me to f**k off. Yet every time I tried to express my feelings he’d look super uncomfortable or say something to suggest that I was trying to start a quarrel when I wasn’t (or just change the subject thereby dismissing whatever I’d just said). Having been down this road before I knew that our budding romance was dead. Easter weekend I tried to reach out to him one last time to see if he wanted to talk, but got radio silence. So I decided to end things and go no contact. Still haven’t heard from him to this day and what makes it even worse is that he knows my narcissistic mum has cancer meaning I now have to face her and my entire toxic/dysfunctional family on a regular basis whilst she undergoes treatment. I was hoping he would be there to support me through this having lost his own father to prostate cancer 2 years ago. But during the last 4 weeks, he never once inquired about my mum or asked how I was coping with things. It’s like he checked out completely.
I feel totally hurt, disillusioned, rejected – like a massive failure really. Nothing ever lasts more than 3-6 months with me and although I can see the benefits of seeing the signs and knowing when to walk away from a situation early, at 34 it really concerns me that I seem to lack the ability to meet a man and keep him long-term. I know it’s not all down to me (I’m aware of my flaws and have been working on them with my therapist for over 2 years now), and I know that essentially, this is what the dating/exploration phase if about, but I can’t help but feel crushed every time a new romance ends – especially this one. I feel totally alone and hopeless at the moment. I really tried my best with this guy and thought we were going somewhere.
I’d like to settle down and start a family soon, but every time this happens I have to face the prospect that maybe it won’t happen for me? It sucks watching all my peers celebrate their engagements/marriages and 2nd or 3rd babies being born – and here I am – stuck in a perpetual cycle of dating/dumping and never progressing any further than that. I’m doing the work to improve myself and have come such a long way compared to when I first started coming to BR 6 years ago, but I feel stuck in a dating rut and have no idea how to get out.
I take it that things had progressed physically? Maybe that was all he wanted. To be honest if someone can’t end a relationship in an adult manner after 3-4 months then it shows the person for who they are. Count yourself lucky that you are dating, once over 50 the pond has degenerated to a murky puddle without may fish! Those there are aren’t worth trying for. Maybe take some time out of dating and enjoy life. If you are so keen to marry and have children this might and I say might show to the men you date. The trouble in modern dating is that people have no manners and often there is the stuck for choice scenario. I suspect there was another woman you didn’t know about sadly and maybe you over invested in him because you did chase him when he went no contact.
Like you I’ve felt rejection if I didn’t manage to even get a 2nd date but it isn’t about you or me. It is about men who are children and can’t step up to the plate and deliver. Do you really want to be with a man like that when he is a douche during the dating/ discovery phase? For me I’d rather not date than be mucked around as my health doesn’t respond well with emotional stress and the fact I have health problems will mean I most likely won’t have a relationship. After so long single I’m not sure I even want one now.
If men drop off the radar with me I do nothing which had happened. They flit back and now I will do nothing. No contact and they will disappear.
I have spent whole years in my 20s and 30s being single and ‘finding myself’. I accept my status as the designated single and childless friend among my peers and even joke about it because I am literally the LAST ONE left lol. Before this guy, my last attempt at a relationship was over a year ago, and he fractured my hand by gripping it too tight during an argument (I was trying to end things he didn’t want to).
I travel, I have a great career, I enjoy life to the fullest – even when I am single, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel hurt or disappointment when another romance ends so badly. I never entered into our courtship thinking he would turn out like this at all. I specifically went against form and dated a man 14 years my senior thinking I’d have a better run than I do with guys my age. Boy, did I get that wrong!
Dating is starting to feel like an endless game -where everyone knows the rules and I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m at a stage where I have to accept that I don’t know if I’ll ever have a committed partner in my life so now I’m perusing sperm donors and weighing up the pros and cons of being a lone parent before it’s too late.
Never thought it would come to this… Not in my wildest dreams lol. But I know I’d regret not being a mum more than I regret never finding love.
I hadn’t been with my ex assclown in 15 months. I had implemented no contact and was at about 7 months when I broke it. The little texts, etc. started coming in. He asked to meet for a drink, and I did. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I told him I still loved him, and he said he still loved me. But guess what? Yep. Nothing changed. In fact, he started with the same excuses of not being able to see me due to work, sickness, you name it. My last text to him was that I was sorry he wasn’t feeling well and that I hoped he felt better soon. And that was it. Bam! I blocked him. Four years of on and off and jerking me around….done. We hadn’t seen each other in over a year, and I figured if he was ever going to realize what he was missing and change, it was then. Nope. He is never going to change. And I finally got it. I know this might sound nuts, but I honestly don’t regret seeing him and having sex with him. It really made me take a good hard look at what kind of guy he was. One that would never EVER treat me the way I deserve to be treated. He just used me. And boy oh boy does that REALLY piss me off. Yep, blocked for good this time. I have absolutely no desire to see or talk to him.
From Natalie: “Maybe you don’t need to be dependent. Maybe this person isn’t the centre of the universe.”
At one point he actually told me that I was the center of his life. Of course I believed him then. While he was campaigning he was very persuasive. I still can’t really figure out what he wanted. He’s very attractive and can get sex/ego strokes anywhere.
When I read that Teach01 and Catherine received texts my initial thought was “at least that is more than I got”. In my case, no text, he just vaporized. But then I realized that even now, even after four months of no contact- initiated by him- I still wonder if maybe, just maybe, he will change his mind. After all, he changed his mind about me frequently over more than two years. So, maybe he will change back.
I learn a lot from the comments. Stephanie posted: “truth be told I knew where I stood; I was only clinging to the desperate hope that I was wrong”. Sometimes I feel stronger when I realize that time has passed and he is not constantly on my mind. We live in close proximity and are each aware of what the other is doing. I am moving. Now more of my belongings are at my new place than here, the place I am vacating. So, at least I am strong enough to have initiated that change.
Feisty posted: “He also doesn’t want to continue having sex as he feels better if he doesn’t”. I wish I understood this better. For me, being sexually rejected has been very painful.
He was probably 100% sincere when he told you you were the center of his life. You may very well have been the center of his world when he said those things. His world and his feelings have since changed. People who are emotionally unavailable often form the kind of attachments that lead them to say such things. The problem is that these feelings don’t last. This is the stuff of obsession, insecurity or infatuation.
When people make statements such as, “You’re the only person I can really talk to” or “No one else understands me” or “You’re the most important person in the world,” it is is often a sign that the speaker has been unable to form and maintain intimate relationships. Unfortunately, the behaviors and beliefs that caused their other relationships to fail will usually show up at some point in your relationship.
It’s how they treat you that counts.
Agreed. I once had a man who never followed through to ask me out, tell me that he spoke about things he didn’t with other people and that I drew it out of him like I’d bewitched him in some way. That told me how unavailable he was which I’d already worked out based on the red flags I’d seen. Then I found out that despite using I to talk about his life there was a we as in a woman in his life. God know how he managed that as a workaholic but it was likely casual. I am still convinced he was oscillating (flip flapping) and considering jumping ship but I wouldn’t want a man to jump ship and overlap or move on without time for reflection. I never felt he had the courage of his convictions and I was proved right. Close escape there but I listened to my gut instincts and realised that he wasn’t compatible with me so by not asking me out he did me a favour as I didn’t have to say no which I would have done. If you’t tried to match 2 people you couldn’t have got a better match with interests and things in common. But that isn’t enough for me and he didn’t have the integrity I needed as by omitting to mention the woman in his life for months, he was lying whilst disrespecting her and me. A chancer and player keeping his options open. What a man like him does to one woman he does to another given the chance.
Millionreasons, my comment that you highlighted was because in the man’s eyes if he isn’t using you for sex then he excuses and convinces himself that he isn’t a douche or a complete b@stard. Rejection is hard no matter what form it takes. In my marriage it was two other women, one younger and one older than me and then there was the nightmare outlaw of a mother. 3 other women was a tad crowded and the rejection was horrendous. The fact I am not dating doesn’t mean I carry a torch…… oh no I could have gladly torched his gonads for what he did. Nor does it mean I haven’t moved on. I simply don’t have the emotional or physical resilience for more rejection.
His outlaw mother I should add. I called them the outlaws after divorce!
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Nice Blog! Thanks for sharing, I like it and also very useful for me.
Stephanie,
Yes, just yes. I remember he sat across from me and said that NEVER in his life had anyone listened to him with “such presence” and that it was the BEST experience of his life. Maybe two or three weeks later he stood behind me, wrapped his arms around me and said of his ex: “she complained I can be cold and distant, but I could never be that way with you”.
At the time I was so besotted. Now I realize he was handing me the Rx; showing me the route. But, no, of course, he would never be like that with me- because we had something special, something different.
Feisty,
I think I’m getting it: “he excuses and convinces himself…”. Toward the end, several ends anyway, he manipulated me and the situation. He did this by twisting things around so that I was the one who wanted sex. (Not that I didn’t.) Then he would “acquiesce”.
Snap. None of this was his responsibility of course. On and on about how he could not resist me. So I was the culpable one and he would go his merry way. Me? I was then put in the guilt zone; the ghosted zone.
Thank you both for the wisdom.
I have found through experience that if a man says he would never do x or y to you in time that is exactly what he will do because he has in all likelihood done the same thing before to another woman. For me that is a red flag now as why should a man have to say that to make something of himself as if he is selling himself to you? It should be obvious through his actions what he is about and what he won’t do.
I just wanted to thank you, Nat, for helping me change my life. I finally possess an authentic sense of self-worth.
Hi this is the first time I’ve put a comment on this website. Society frowns upon and doesn’t accept the older man and younger woman relationship and I can see that reflecting in the comments made by other people on this website. I am a younger woman who is with an older man, there is a between 46 to 47 year age difference between me and him. We got married in late June 2006 when I was 21 years old and 2 months before my 22nd birthday in late August 2006 and I’m 33 years old now and I will be 34 years old on my birthday this year in 2018 and my husband will be 81 in late October in 2018 this year. I was born in 1984 and my elderly husband was born in 1937 – 2 years before the second world war started, he was a small, young child during that war. He is old enough to be my grandfather and he is 3 and a half years younger than my own father. My father was born in early March 1934 and he died in June 2008 so my father is my late father. My mother was born in late October 1951 so there is a between 17-18 years age difference between my late father and my mother. They got married in late May 1980. Me and my husband will be having our 12th wedding anniversary in 2018 this year. I have got the “marrying the older man” thing from my mother because my late father was 17 and a half years older than her. Both my mother’s and my husband’s birthdays are in late October and his birthday is 8 days before hers. He is 14 years and 8 days older than his mother-in-law – my mother so my mother is younger than her own son-in-law – my husband. My husband’s daughter – my stepdaughter is 14 and abit years older than me – she was born around the middle of April 1970 – I’m her younger stepmother and she is my older stepdaughter. This all sounds so crazy, complex and complicated but, also my father’s own side of his family is also complex and complicated too and when I’m included as his family it makes it even more crazy, complex and complicated!. I come from an extremely large family!. My mother’s own side of her family is not crazy, complex or complicated. If she has married another man since my father died and he has a child or children of his own then I’ll have a stepfather and my mother would be a stepmother to his child/children and if he had a grandchild/grandchildren then my mother would be a stepgrandmother to his grandchild/grandchildren. He would be a stepgrandfather too – IF my widowed mother had remarried – then her own side of her family would be crazy, complex and complicated too!. She had dated 2 men – 1 of her own age and I don’t even know what age group the other guy was from. The guy of the same age as her said that he had 2 adult sons working as doctors whilst living out in America. I reckon that all of this is a big, black lie that he told, he may have no children at all!. I have the rights to choose and decide what information about myself that I share with other people and I have the rights to choose and decide what information about myself that I don’t share with other people and of which I keep as private and as strictly confidential all on my own terms. It’s all up to me whether I want to answer other people’s questions or not, it all depends on what the question is if I do want or do not want to answer it or not and on whether I do or do not answer the question which is also all on my own terms. I don’t want other people taking my silence and no response to their question/s as a yes or a no or I don’t know answer/s. As their thoughts, etc…, on and about my silence and zero response could be wrong, incorrect, politically incorrect. Both me and my husband are fully well-functional people, we’re in great working order, we have healthy amounts of healthy self-esteem, adequacy, maturity, confidence, self-sufficiency and we are very, very secure people with high standards, expectations, high moral standards, great morals, great moral standards, great values, principles and scruples. We are very decent people, we are not perverts or anything like that. My husband is not my sugar daddy and I’m not his sugar baby or his trophy to give him an ego boost. We both have lots and lots of sincere unconditional love and care for each other, we are soulmates, life partners. We met when I was a small, young child, he has watched me grow from a little girl into a lovely young woman, from a child into a young adult, we are a match made in heaven, we are inseparable, we have separation anxiety over each other when we are physically apart from each other for very long periods of time, he has been my life chaperone throughout my life, God put us into each others lives for a reason and that reason is for us to be husband and wife for a very, very long time. We are such a lovely pair a couple, a happily married couple, happily married. No ulterior motives and no hidden agendas and no bad/cruel intentions, good intentions.
Prejudice, discrimination, racism, sexism, scorn, contempt, disdain, etc…, is created by society and by the world as a whole to divide and to compartmentalize all different types of people with labels put on them and people judge other people who are different from them – the root cause of all of this is they cannot understand and comprehend differences of people this comes from a lack of understanding and comprehension because society fears and is ashamed of differences, they cannot tolerate differences, society needs to learn how to not judge, welcome, accept, embrace, tolerate, love different types of people, the unorthodox, the unusual, weird, odd, peculiar, bizarre, the strange and the differences because not 2 people are the same, life would be so boring if everyone was the same as everyone else, so it’s great to have such a wide variety of different types of people, it keeps life exciting, adventurous, unpredictable and spontaneity is a great thing too otherwise life itself and everyone would be so boring, dull and predictable. Some people are mavericks and unorthodox, everyone is different to everyone else, we all can’t be all 1 and the same, everyone is a unique, original and special individual with individuality – the world must not have these people as outcasts of society or of social outcasts. These people are alive here on planet Earth so they should be treated with the upmost respect, with dignity and they should be revered and they should play a huge role in the world, in society, in communities, not to be feared or frowned upon because there’s nothing to fear about or be scared about them, not to be shamed by anyone else, not to be treated as an outcast, not to be stigmatized or marginalized or treated with scorn, contempt, disdain or disrespect, for there to be no prejudice, discrimination, racism, etc…, be fearless, courageous, brave when confronting controversial, etc…, subjects head-on, don’t yourselves and each other up in cotton wool and hide yourselves away, protecting and defending yourselves and each other from things and from people who you all think and believe poses a serious threat when they may not pose a serious threat or a dangerous risk at all, the fears of the people getting the best of them when they meet other people who are completely and totally different, etc…, to them. Society, communities and the world as a whole will have to totally accept, tolerate, welcome, embrace and love all of these different peoples one day and all of these different peoples will all have huge roles to play – not as victims or martyrs but maybe as inspirational, incredible, remarkable people and as trailblazers and as highly influential people and as hero’s, heroines and role-models to be looked upon with respect and admiration and to be admired by the rest of society, communities and the world as a whole – they will all have these huge roles to play in society, communities and the whole wide world because people can’t keep on burying their heads in the sand thinking that all these strange, odd, weird, peculiar, bizarre, unusual, different, unorthodox and maverick peoples are suddenly going to disappear and not exist anymore, because they do exist, they will always have an existence here on planet Earth, they will never go away and never disappear, etc…, so the whole wide world, communities and societies will have to stop the frowning, the shaming, the prejudice, discrimination, racism, marginalization, sexism, disrespect, dismissiveness, disregardness, stigmatizing, scorn, contempt, disdain, division/divide and conquer, compartmentalizing, putting labels on, judging, small-mindedness, narrow-mindedness, stubborn and obstinate set in their ways attitudes , etc…, hypocritical ways, etc…, hatred, anger, jealousy, etc…, that it does on different peoples. It’s so very, very sad that we live in a competitive, cut-throat, dog eat dog and survival of the fittest, etc…, world. The earth is the heart of the universe. Swearing, derogatory name-calling was created by man to cause racism, insults and to incite anger, etc…, and to create divisions amongst all of the different ethnicities of people and to create divisions of all of the other different types of different peoples. Love your fellow human! Love your neighbour as yourself, love your enemies!. I’m a radical born-again bible-believing christian. Wasn’t religions and faiths created by man?! If they were created by man then they were created also for to serve the purpose of division/dividing people. Take a walk on the wild side of life, meet all different types of people from all different walks of life and embrace the weird and wonderful! The whole wide world should be more christian-like towards one another and to love each other unconditionally very, very much!! We should all forgive and forget and have mercy and forgiveness for one another and should all forgive one another. I’m a follower of Jesus Christ – Yeshua Hamashiach. I think Martin Luther King would be very, very proud of me for what I have said in this comment and for my strong beliefs system, my morals, values, etc…, he wanted to stop segregation, etc…, and to unite his black people with white people and the poor guy got shot dead whilst trying his very best within his power and ability as he possibly could to achieve in to unite black people with white people and I’m very similar to him in that respect. United we stand, divided we fall! I believe in equality and fairness for all! I’m into humanitarianism, etc…,! Everyone should be treated as equals! No-one and nobody is better than anyone else and nobody and no-one is more worthy or has more worth or is more priceless or is more important or is more significant or is more special, etc…, than anyone else! We are all equals, the whole wide world, communities, societies are all different in some ways and but, also similar/the same in other ways too. One thing that we all have in common is that we are all human, human beings, we all belong to the homo sapien species of the animal kingdom, we are the human race and we have to preserve our human race species so that we don’t become an extinct species so we must be fruitful and multiply and spread to absolutely everywhere all across the whole wide world planet earth to keep and to make our human species always stay into existence always for all of eternity. We as humans have dominion over the rest of every breed of every species of every animal and of every creature of the animal kingdom. The whole wide world, communities, societies must accept and love quirkiness and eccentricities and must accept and love peoples who are quirky and eccentric. These peoples who are different add spice and flavour to life, add different varieties to life to keep life exciting, adventurous, fun, spontaneous, unpredictable, adrenaline-driven, exhilarating, to stop life from being boring, dull, monotonous, tedious, etc…, plain, tasteless, flat with no bubbles, they make life fizzy and bubbly, they are very, very interesting, fascinating, mysterious, enigmatic people who keeps and makes life very, very interesting, fascinating, mysterious and enigmatic. The whole wide world will be sitting on the edge of it’s seat riveted and transfixed onto watching these different types of different peoples. These different peoples have bright, beautiful and colourful personalities, personas, characters, characteristics. The world who views some peoples as creepy and repulsive as in terms of looks and personality – just remember they are your fellow humans so you must and should love them. They are still the children of God, they have God’s message to humanity written in their DNA by God Himself which He has done in every DNA of in every human in the whole wide world. All of us, absolutely everyone all over the world are His children, we are His creation, He created all of us, absolutely everyone, without Him none of us would exist, so it’s all thanks, praise, worship and glory to Him, His holy, powerful, almighty, amazing, awesome name that all of us, we, absolutely everyone exists and has existences. Remember the golden rule to do unto others as what they would do unto you, to treat people the way that we would want them to treat us. The word Earth is an anagram or something for the word heart and the earth is the heart of the universe. Lucifer the fallen angel/Satan the devil is trying to enter the hearts and minds of everyone here on earth and he’s trying to put the temptations of sin, transgression, iniquity into everyone’s hearts and minds so that he can break the hearts of people who then become victims through the sin, etc…, that he entered other people’s hearts by putting temptation of sin into their hearts and minds through these people and that’s how world wars, etc…, are started because he wants to break the heart of the universe – the heart of the universe being earth, he wants the vibrational energy state that’s all around Earth to go from positive and high to the negative and low. He is the enemy and he is the enemy of God. People who worship the devil and Satan and Lucifer the fallen angel can repent of their sins to God, turn their hearts back to God and open their hearts to God, they can be saved by the Saviour and Messiah of the world Jesus Christ – Yeshua Hamashiach. All peoples of all of the different religions and faiths of the world – no matter what religion or faith they are and they have – they are still children of God and He loves them unconditionally very, very much – no matter what or who they are and no matter what religion or faith that they practice and follow. Some of these religions and faiths are worshipping false gods – and that is breaking 1 of the 10 Commandments that God gave to His prophet Moses which is thou shall not worship or bow down to any other gods apart from Him because these gods are all false gods and He – God Himself is the One and Only One True God god who is real and who exists. And to not worship any statue or any graven image. Breaking this Commandment which is 1 of the 10 Commandments is called idolatry, idolatry is a sin against God. God is also a jealous God god who will not share His worship, thanks, praise, glory that He receives from His children with any other god/false god and He will not share His power or His glory with any other god/false god. God isn’t just a God of religion and faith but, He is also the Creator and the Almighty Heavenly Father of absolutely everyone, of all of us. He created Lucifer the fallen angel, Satan the devil, the serpent, the snake, the dragon, the beast. God created both good and evil. I have been called a weirdo, nutter, nutcase and creepy so I am 1 of these different people and my husband is also 1 of these different people. Please accept both my husband and I. People should be decent and be civil towards other people, I can’t stand intolerance. People shouldn’t be hypocritical and be hypocrites who do double standards. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, people shouldn’t live in glass houses in the first place and they shouldn’t throw stones in the first place. People shouldn’t be hypocritical and people shouldn’t be hypocrites, people shouldn’t do double standards and people shouldn’t be holier-than-thou or have a moral high ground attitude. Let the first man without sin cast the first stone. People shouldn’t judge one another and people shouldn’t have favourites or do favouritism when it comes to other people and to animals and to creatures because it’s unfair and unjust to other people and to the other animals and to the other creatures. Both me and my husband are vulnerable adults, I’m more naive than he is, he’s not naive at all, he can easily be manipulated, controlled and influenced whereas, I can’t be manipulated, controlled, influenced. I do not manipulate, control, influence my husband – I don’t do any of that. I’m not gullible, I’m not a gullible person. I like to see the evidence and proof of the facts and of the truth first. When it comes to God how happy I am that I believe but, yet I cannot see. I have lots and lots of self-esteem, I am very, very confident, I am a secure person, I am self-sufficient, etc…,
Christine this site is about relationships. People are entitled to have different views but you have turned your long posts into a sermon for others to read I’m afraid implying that those who have different views are wrong. If your relationship is working then all good and well but I can also see how you are justifying your decisions and life choices which is a red flag you need to heed. Marrying young means that there is little room to grow as an individual. instead you are growing with another person who has more experience of life than you. I wish you well but you need to keep your own life as when your husband dies you will be totally lost if you don’t because you have known nothing else for so long. There is no need for you to justify anything which the fact you are doing is another red flag. I wish you well even though I have concerns for you.
I agree with Fiesty, there appear to be some red flags within your post, Christine. My question to you is, “What brought you to this particular website?” Having been with your husband since age 18, it doesn’t sound like you have engaged in multiple failed relationships and are now looking for answers for the insanity. And if you have a marriage built on care, trust, love, and respect, how did you come across this particular website?
I do wish you peace and wellness.
I know this site is about relationships I’m also entitled to have my own views, opinions, values, morals and beliefs. I find it easier to write longer comments and letters than short ones as I have so much to say so I like to get everything off my chest and I can’t help it that I am susceptible to that it’s easier for me to do written communication this way. There’s nothing wrong with making sermons, it’s all up to other people if they want to read or not read what I write. When it comes to everyone else having different views from myself then that’s o.k like everyone else must also agree that it’s o.k with me having different views to them. Some people justify their decisions and life choices so it must be a red flag for them too for them to need to heed too – not just me but those other people too. I dislike bigoted, self-righteous, etc…, hypocrites who does the “special pleading” and “double standard fallacies” people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I won’t be lost at all when my husband dies. I have known NEARLY everything else for a very, very long time. Due to my husband’s old age he does have much more life experience than me, but, even at my young age I’m 33 and a half years old I have more knowledge of the world, both the physical and the supernatural realms and the “matrix” that everyone is living in than my husband has. The people need to “WAKE UP”. I “woke up” about what’s really going on in the world and planet Earth a few years ago. I am a Polymath – a person of wide knowledge or learning. I have grown such alot as an individual as I have had and still have lots and lots of room for that, I am a very, very introspective and intuitive person, I know what my identity is and being a human being in the fullest sense of the word is what defines me as that’s exactly what I am, I have the physical body shape of a human, I look like a human, I communicate like a human, etc…, I am a human!! I am of the Homo Sapien species of the animal kingdom – that’s the No.1 level of the most basic and simple things which defines me. I don’t misunderstand or misconstrue or have misconceptions or take anything out of context of what anyone else says to me. I have full understanding and comprehension of what everyone else says to me. I stand by my words, I’m not easily manipulated, influenced or controlled and I can’t by easily swayed because I stick to my own thoughts, opinions, views, beliefs, morals and values so nobody can indoctrinate or even hypnotize me as my brain is wired up differently to other people’s brains as I have Aspergers Syndrome which is a form of Autism on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder it’s a learning difficulty, Albert Einstein had it too!!. Hypnotists can only hypnotize people successfully if those people hand their own free wills over to hypnotists, I’m never going to hand my own free will over to hypnotists, hypnotherapists or to anyone else!!!. God gave every single person of absolutely everyone including myself free will and a mind of our own!!!. I stand by my words. I have been told that I have no need to justify anything by 1 person and then another person asks me what it is that has brought me here to this particular website. What are the differences and similarities between justification and explanation. Isn’t this conflicting. I won’t be confused by what other people say. I find it funny and comical when people contradict each other. I was born on 29/08/84, my husband was born on 20/10/37, I first met him between 01/01/92 and 31/12/92 and my 8th birthday was on 29/08/92. He missed the first 7-8 years of my life. My relationship with him started in, I moved into his flat and lived with him in either November or December 2005, we got engaged around Christmas 2005 all when I was 21 and a half years old – not when I was 18 years old and we got married on 30/06/2006 when I was 21 years and 10 months old – 2 months before my 22nd birthday which was on 29/08/2006. Our 12th wedding anniversary is on 30/06/2018 this year. Since from September 1997 to either 1st May 2015 or 1st June 2015 we have been in and out of each other’s lives multiple times for different types of reasons. I have lots and lots of experience of true romantic love relationships, sexual love relationships and sexual relationships, my marriage and my relationship with my husband and of one night stands, etc…, the first relationship I had was with another guy which lasted for I think between 1-3 weeks in late October 2005 and early November 2005, I only met him once personally which was on 05/11/2005 – during daylight hours on Guy Fawkes Day for around a few hours at his house – it was a long distance relationship – I live in Southern U.K and he is a Welsh born guy who lives up in Wales and I spent thousands of pounds in visiting him – the first time I went up to Wales I never saw him couldn’t find his home address so went back to Southern U.K again and the second time I went up there to Wales I did see him found his home address and he was in his house by the time I got there. Both times I travelled up there I went by taxi – there and back by taxi of the first time and also there and back by taxi of the second time both taxi travelled trips cost me thousands of pounds. All he wanted was my virginity, willingly gave him my virginity on 05/11/2005 – daylight hours of Guy Fawkes Day spent only a few hours with him only met him once personally – in his house – I was 21 and a half years old when I lost my virginity. Extremely naive, innocent and vulnerable, luckily and fortunately for me he wasn’t a rapist, murderer, etc…,. He took photos of me laying on his bed in sexy poses and he asked me for £5.00 so I handed him a £5 note. Goodness knows what he did with these photos of me, he never gave me a copy of the photos that he took of me and I wonder what he did with the £5.00 I gave him, what he spent it on. I never asked him these questions and he never told me. I think during that time he had a girlfriend and he was sexually unfaithful to her with me. A female family friend of mine drove me in her car up to a different place in Wales and I thought I was going to see him for the third time my friend told me that she was visiting her family in one place and then she would take me to his house as well too all that happened was that I met her family and but, she never drove me to his house to visit him – 3 times altogether I tried to visit him but I only met him personally once. I have also personally experienced different types of circumstances, situations and incidents in my personal and private life. I have personally experienced multiple failed relationships with a few other men within mine and my husband’s marriage because me and my husband had disagreements which then led to arguments to rows to my husband doing domestic abuse and domestic violence on me to marital problems to marital breakdown to separation and estrangement to almost divorce!!!. I committed adultery, broke the marriage vows on my husband as revenge as I felt mortified, stunned, hurt, wounded, insulted and revictimized as he disagreed with me and he didn’t believe me that 3 malignant textbook covert cerebral and somatic female Narcissists – his daughter – my older stepdaughter – cerebral, her biological mother – his ex-girlfriend – cerebral and my stepdaughter’s female best friend – somatic were all covertly abusing me, so I took extreme measures and drastic action to prove to my husband that I am right and correct and to break his heart because he broke my heart when he didn’t believe me, when he disagreed with me and when he was doing domestic abuse and domestic violence on me. He also called me derogatory swearword name-calling and he would insult me. I feel haunted by committing adultery even to this very day, it is the biggest regret, biggest mistake and biggest shame of my life. I felt that my husband was enabling these 3 Narcissistic Personality Disordered women’s abuses of me, their behaviours and body languages, etc…, towards me. My husband has met all of these other men, he knows who I committed adultery on him with. He forgave me and he showed his mercy and his unconditional love that he has for me to me, he was merciful towards me. Now from either 1st May 2015 or 1st June 2015 and even now in April 2018 me and my husband are still legally and lawfully married – not divorced and are living together as husband and wife in our own marital home – our flat here in Southern U.K we are still husband and wife – we are not divorced. At one point in 2014 we almost got divorced. Our true romantic love and sexual love and our relationship and marriage is going from strength to strength every day and we are falling more in love with each other as each day goes by. We have lots and lots of unconditional love, care, trust and respect for each other and which is built on strong, stable and unshakable simple and basic foundations in our marriage and relationship and we also have lots and lots of unconditional self-love, self-care, self-trust and self-respect for ourselves too. The healing process which God is doing in our relationship and marriage is almost finished, so got alittle bit left to do in the healing process first before its finally, totally, completely healed first before the healing process ends. God is restoring and healing mine and my husband’s marriage and relationship. My husband is now in very frail health, he’s severely disabled with lots of different health problems and illnesses, he has mobility problems and he suffers from falls. He doesn’t do the domestic violence on me anymore. He now totally, completely and strongly agrees with me and he now believes me that these 3 women covertly abused me and he knows it wasn’t my fault, I’m not to blame, it’s all their fault, they are to blame, I am the victim and they are the Narcissists, abusers and evil perpetrators and he is emotionally supporting me, he’s validating and vindicating me and my personal experiences/personal testimonies, he’s no longer enabling them, their abuses, etc…, of me and towards me. He has empathy, sympathy and compassion for me. We do still argue with each other over different things and we don’t do this every day – we do this from time to time every now and then. That’s normal in every marriage and relationship. We still call each other derogatory swearword names and insult each other but that’s normal in most marriages and relationships – there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect relationship or a perfect person or a perfect husband or a perfect wife or a perfect boyfriend or a perfect girlfriend because life is not perfect and nobody is perfect and no-one is perfect. There’s no need to have concerns for me. Feisty and CLR everything you both have said in your response posts to my 2 posts also apply to yourselves and to each other and to absolutely everyone else – not just applying to me. Practice what you preach and don’t do double-standards, etc…, I believe in equality and fairness for absolutely everyone else, me, you Feisty and you CLR all included. I wish you CLR and you Feisty well.
Christine. My gut instincts about your situation was correct. From what you say you have been emotionally and physically abused for years to the point you don’t know yourself anymore. Dare I also say it but you have also been brainwashed, controlled and manipulated sadly. You are stuck with an elderly man who is using you and has used you. Think about why you had an affair as that is the clue, it is a symptom of an unhappy relationship. Now your husband is using the health situation to control you again. You have two choices. Wait until he dies or get out now which is what you really need to do. You are worth more than this. The justifications you made told me there was more to your situation and you are still justifying why you stay because you have been conditioned and don’t know anything different. Even though a man may not be physically abusing you there is emotional abuse. Life is too short and it isn’t too late to take back yours. There is no justification for being in an abusive relationship and this could impact the rest of your life if you let it. Please get help now.
Christine—I’m glad your husband is too old to physically abuse you anymore. Swearing and calling each other derogatory names is NOT “normal in every marriage and relationship.”
I’m now seeing why you’re on this site. Best of luck to you.
Meadowlark thank you very much for validating and vindicating me. I now know that I wrongly thought that swearing and name-calling in marriages and relationships is not normal in every marriage and relationship. I have some truth to tell about my illegal and recreational and legal high drug junkie, alcohol drinking, smoking, thief, almost committed manslaughter, commitment-phobic, double-standard fallacies, physically, emotionally and mentally abusive, future-faking, loud and lairy paranoid Schizophrenic ex-boyfriend who would use and abuse me, do derogatory swearword name-calling and insult and offend me, do the Sociopathic death stare on me, then create disagreements which led him to have rows and arguments with me which led to him flying into a rage and ending our relationship – all out of nothing, he created all in his own mind as a way for him to dump me. He would use any bullsh** excuse just to dump me. I fell out of love with my husband and fell in love with him and I never dumped him once or even ended our relationship once and he broke my heart every time he dumped me and ended our relationship as I emotionally never got used to it. We had an on and off boyfriend and girlfriend relationship between July or August 2012 til February 2013. He drove me insane to the point that I did antisocial behaviour nearly everywhere I went in my own hometown and I self sectioned myself at another point during this time to get away from him to heal my broken heart and insanity. I stayed there from 1-2 days and then I wanted to leave and go back to my own hometown. Saw the psychiatrists and psychologists at the mental hospital and they discharged me from the hospital 2 days later after I arrived there, I went back to my hometown and the craziness with him started all over again to the point where I was taking to court for antisocial behaviour and I had to go and live in a carehome in a large city miles and miles away from my hometown on the same day I attended my court hearing. So 2 people from that carehome had arrived at the court where I was at. After my court hearing had finished I was introduced to them at the courthouse and they drove me in the car to the carehome. I remember saying to the judge that whilst I would be away I would write them a letter saying that I was sincerely extremely sorry for my antisocial behaviour and that I sincerely meant every word of my sincere apology with all of my heart and that I sincerely promised that I would never ever do any of that ever again and I promised that I would never break my promise, well, I never got around to writing that letter as the carehome staff made me far too busy. I was told that I didn’t need to attend to my 2nd court hearing, that someone else would attend my court hearing for me – this happened a few months later. One afternoon one day person came back from attending my court hearing and told me that it was very bad news that the court judges had put a 2 year restraining order injunction order on me to keep me away from my hometown. In 2014 my husband started divorce proceedings and in 2014 he cancelled and stopped the divorce proceedings and in January 2015 the carehome closed down as a business so my and all the other service user’s social workers had to find other carehomes for us to live as Social services found out the carehome staff were looking after us illegally because some support workers drove the real manager out of her job there due to arguments between them and another manager who was also another support worker at the carehome got her sister to work as temporary manager there but the manager paperwork, etc…, wasn’t signed over from the name of the real manager into the name of the temporary manager. So in January 2015 I went to live in a carehome that was in another city which was much closer to my hometown than the other carehome in the other city was to my hometown. A few months later I was told that my 2 year restraining order injunction order was going to end on I think it was on the end date of May 2015 and that I was allowed to go back and live with my husband in our own flat. So I went back to live with my husband as husband and wife again together with each other again in our own marital home on 1st June 2015 and I have been living with him since then from 1st June 2015 til now in April 2018 and we are going to live happily ever after hopefully like it says at the end of children’s storybooks.
Even though he is no longer a part of my life my emotions remain on a rollercoaster. Focusing on Natalie’s theme of achievement, I had a really good day yesterday. I spent most of it at my new place, setting things up and enjoying how different it is from here. Thinking “this is really happening” and feeling positive.
Then today I saw him (we are neighbors) and we exchanged only a wave. Seeing him in a suit adds insult to injury. No one should look that good.
Just a couple of hours ago my mobile died and my carrier can’t restore service so I had to order another phone. In the meantime I set up my landline which I haven’t used in a very long time.
To complete the voicemail I had to listen to stored messages. So many from him. Hearing the warmth in his voice when he said he was calling rather than texting because he wanted to hear my voice. You know, etc. and etc.
I will not call or text him. I thought that I could leave a vm for him because I can’t be reached on my mobile. But, I resisted. He has not initiated any contact in more than four months so I highly doubt today will be the day he realizes how much he misses me.
Hope springs eternal I guess. Moving away from him is an achievement. Not contacting him is an achievement. I’ve got to stick with being proud of myself. Today, especially, it hurts so much. I miss him so much.
I feel your pain. Why do we love them?
Stay courageous, you can do this. It will take some time.
Try to stay away from his old VM messages and try doing something else instead. You’ve had enough of pain already – now it’s time to process it and slowly, very slowly rebuild yourself without him.
You should be proud – you loved, you tried and that’s all that matters. And now you’re doing what’s best for you.
Thank you, Natalie, for your post and your encouragement to all of us.
After reading your books and this site, I realized – I am indeed a fallback girl and I have been dealing with a classic Mr. Unavailable. I didn’t even know there was such a thing! I thought my guys was ‘special’.
In addition to a fallback girl, I was also the OW, well without knowing it at first. He used to call me his ‘little light’ and I thought I was unique. When I found out he had a serious girlfriend, I immediately ‘broke up’ with him just to find myself in a viscous cycle of break ups, make ups, promises, passionate discussions, tears followed by temporary NC, just to restart the cycle again.
I’m exhausted and starting NC again, and closing my door tight this time. We had yet another break up moment, where I finally clearly articulated what it is that I want from him…and left. We both stopped talking (it’s been 3 weeks now) and I am hoping and praying I don’t crack. I never contact him first, I mean never – but I do always cave in.
And this is my marathon problem – I think I cannot resist him. That’s what my inner critic says. I can rationalize how toxic he is, but my inner critic tells me I’m powerless and eventually give in.
Your post made me realize I have to go beyond the assumptions I have about myself and try not responding – in spite of myself. Or block him all together (which I’m so terrified to do).
Thanks,
Emma
Hi,
I can totally relate to the feeling like you can not resist them. I am over 2 years out, there has been no contact on either side, yet my greatest fear was, he would return and I would be powerless to resist him and our decades long shituation would continue.
What has helped me the most is to stay in the reality of all the shitty things he did and that I accepted. When my mind wants to go to ‘water colored memories of the way we were’ I stop and reflect on the way we really were…and how he really was…and how I really felt…and get real clear that I am missing the fantasy of him and us and not the reality of him and us. This turns feeling powerless, into feeling empowered.
What I am missing or think I am missing wasn’t him. What I was missing was his representative.
Recently I had a dream, he as on top on me and we were having sex, but I had to stop because I couldn’t look him in his eyes, I don’t trust him and the dream ended. It was further confirmation that I’m done and no amount of ‘pretty promises’ will ever sway me again.
To be honest the amount of work it would take for him to be a changed, healthy, loving partner and the amount of work it would take me to get back to trusting him — I no longer have that energy, desire or time to dedicate to that sinking ship.
It’s like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic while the ship is going down! Um, no not interested. I won’t even entertain Mr. Titanic like ships being docked at my port. Sure the people on the Titanic enjoyed the ride, until the ship went down. Now when I see Mr. Titanic coming my way (and yes he is very identifiable), my port is closed and they need to find someone else to entice with hopes of the greatest and grandest ride ever.
I know how this is going to end. The ship going down and his sorry azz will either use me as a life raft until the rescue ship (the next chic) comes along or him taking me down while trying to save his own azz.
I’ll pass, thank you very much. I’m good.
Wishing you much love and light in your journey!
NC is the key to regaining your dignity and power. I was also the OW–I thought “we” were special and we would do the right thing and leave our respective spouses and live happily ever after. He had no plans of doing that–I was merely a plaything.
Giving up this man is like the worst addiction anyone could battle. I went from counting days, to weeks, now months of NC. 3.5 months and going strong! Not every day is great, but it beats the alternative.
That is great!! Keep up the hard work! You are worth it! In time, you won’t even keep track of how long you’ve been no contact. Be proud of yourself. Stay strong.
It does feel like getting off the most toxic drug. It scares me.
3.5 months of NC is amazing. Hope you’re starting to feel better.
I wish I was that far ahead. I’m in the ‘counting days’ stage and checking my phone every hour. Hope it fades quickly.
No I’m never ever going to leave my husband, our marriage, our relationship, our marital life, our cats, our marital home and I know exactly what my identity is, I know absolutely everything about myself, I am very, very introspective and intuitive. I know what defines me. I’m a much more firm, assertive young woman who is now setting very firm, assertive, strong, unbreakable and healthy boundaries with other people which is healthy for me so it’s extremely difficult for other people to manipulate, influence, control, indoctrinate, brainwash, hypnotize me and I’m not so easily swayed by what other people say, their opinions, thoughts, advice, etc…,
Emma,
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, hearing his messages on my landline vm was a surprise. Certainly I had an OMG moment- but that does not mean I could stop listening. And of course, I didn’t have the strength to erase them.
3 1/2 weeks! You are showing such perception and empathy. In my situation there were numerous cycles, but I’m pretty sure that when 3 1/2 weeks in (or out, I guess), I was still in shock. I think I understand what you mean about the ability to resist. If he makes an effort, any effort, I’m not confident that I could resist.
Meadowlark,
Like you and Emma, I too was an OW. During the initial ‘campaign’ he love-bombed me with so many ideas of how we could start a new life together. I’ve spent a lot of time pondering and ruminating about whether all of it has been subconscious or conscious on his part. In a previous post, Feisty referenced “as if he is selling himself to you”.
They package, sell, and manipulate like wizards.
On Friday the 21st I will have reached 8 weeks of my first ever attempt at weight loss. I didn’t set out to lose all my weight, I just set out to see how it would go. I’ve lost 17 kilos by walking my daughter to and from school (which amounts to about 8,000 steps per day), and eating healthy. I haven’t yet binged. I have 15kg still to go. By summer this year – November in Australia – I should be wearing a bikini.
I don’t know what clicked for me, I guess you get to that point where you are just tired of feeling in a funk over your situation. I was never unhappy being 107kg, I was quite happy, but I loved every aspect of my life finally that I wanted to go one step further and love my body too. Healthily.
It’s the same when it comes to men, I just get to that stage where I crave different, but I get to such a low point that I am dying for change, because I just feel so crap about life.
The last guy I’m talking about is a guy I’ve had a crush on for over a year, who doesn’t like me back and so it has impacted my self esteem. It’s like I didn’t care what anyone but him thought and he didn’t appreciate me, so I was “worthless” in my eyes.
I do th feel that way anymore. I’m just doing me, and staying away from men for now.
Self love is the best love.
Agreed Phoenix. I’ve stayed away from men for years now and to be honest I am now at a place where I am content and happy with who I am and my life. Were a man to enter my life I’d have to change so much about it and I’m not sure I could do it or be bothered really because I’ve found that what is available as in dating is dross above a certain age. Having got myself to where I now am, I don’t wish to be a therapist or a nurse to a dysfunctional man which many are in my age group.
Wow that’s an amazing achievement. I too have started a weight loss journey and hopefully will have similar success. I am from Australia.
I know what it is like to really be crazy about someone and not have the feelings returned. You do question yourself and feel terrible. I lost 30kg once for a man and it made not a single bit of difference.
But it sounds like you are doing it for you, not for someone else, which was my mistake.
Good luck on your journey. You sound like you are the right path xxx
Friday evening I felt a strong, almost visceral need to contact him. So many scenarios went through my head. I’m not brave enough to phone him so any contact I initiate would be by text.
Best case scenario- he would respond warmly, come over, we would talk and drink and laugh together. Of course great reconciliation sex would follow. And following that the relationship would reignite. It would be magic; the clock would be turned back at least two and a half years.
However, there were other possible and far more probable outcomes. 1. He ignores me. 2. He comes over but is not responsive. 3. He is responsive but the sex is weird. 4. I am again devalued, dismissed and discarded. 5. I am ghosted (also again).
I sat on my hands for awhile. Then I turned to one of my great comforts- music. Put on a playlist that kind of combines anger with heartbreak (strong on Sia, Lorde, Annie Lennox and Pink). Then turned to another comfort- yoga. After an hour…
I didn’t contact him!
This morning I felt so good about this, and yes, a little stronger. I thought about an Elvis Costello song with the verse “when your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote”. Well I’m not there yet, but good on me- I didn’t contact him!
I respect, admire and am inspired by those on this forum who have turned the dreamboat into a footnote. I encourage the posters who are at 3 1/2 weeks and 3 1/2 months. And I understand those who remain enmeshed.
Like Phoenix said: “I’m just doing me” and “self love is the best love”.
Teach – thanks hun. It’s not hard, trust me. I have to have things like Party Pies and school snacks in my house as o have a 5 year old, but I do not touch them. I’m not saying this will be forever, but for the last 8 weeks my want to be thin has been more important than a party pie!
It’s mostly diet, I was a stay at home mum for a bit and I put on weight due to that. It’s just boredom for me. I used to get lonely a bit, and stressed. It’s putting yourself number 1.
And exercise I don’t break my back, I just “do me”. Do an activity you love and music is a big importance to me, I listen to music a lot – it’s my chocolate! I agree Million Reasons
I still miss this guy, I want him, I can’t have him, the crush is always in my mind every day for over a year now. But it’s something I’ve got to put up with until it finally goes. It’s frustrating that even when you’re working on yourself, you can still be hung up over a guy. He’s a sweet guy, but toxic for me as he doesn’t feel the same way.
Oh and yes it’s totally for me – the guy is living in the USA so it’s definietky not for him, I don’t even see him.
Definitely for me and my child
great article.
Thanks for this wonderful post, its highly informative and inspiring.