What do you do when you feel as if you’ve failed at something? Shame you? Shrink into yourself and isolate? Pick you apart in an attempt to figure out what’s wrong with you? Turn your failure into a secret that you need to cart around in your emotional baggage? Well, I’ve decided to do none of those things.
In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about the outcome of an 18-month-long journey of trying to get a book deal. As you may already have guessed, it didn’t work out, haha. Trying to secure one has a number of stark parallels with dating and relationships, including the awkwardness of breaking up and the whole “You’re great! You’re amazing and someone would be lucky to have you… but I’m not ready for a relationship…”
The opposite of being ‘strong’ (or the ’strong black woman’) isn’t weak; it’s human.
Despite the outcome, I have no regrets. In allowing myself to fail, I opened myself up to a deeper level of vulnerability. The book deal, rejection from so-called authorities, isn’t a scary thing.
It’s good to check in with ourselves about whether we’re being genuinely vulnerable or whether we are, yes, putting ourselves out there but doing so because we think that the risk of us failing is much lower. We think ‘Surely I’ve done all the things now [to make it unlikely]’.
It’s easy to miss the wood for the trees. We spend so much time looking at the symptoms or trying to decipher other people’s intentions that we don’t necessarily give enough weight to what our feelings, thoughts and actions are telling us. They’re screaming that we’re in the wrong place.
As is the way with life, present-day experiences that seem unrelated to past ones bring up old feelings and wounds. This offers the opportunity to confront them, to see what we couldn’t see before. We get to change the story we tell.
I had to surrender and let the chips fall where they may. I let go of the need to be in control of the [book proposal].
We believe that there has to be a reason. If the person decides that they don’t want to be in a relationship with us, that they don’t want to give us a job, that they don’t want to be our friend, there has to be, in our mind, a very specific reason. It has to be attributed to something that we feel that we could have done better or could have done less of. It’s so that we can go “Oh, that’s what it is!” We can then go and please and perfect to correct that.
There’s no success in being successful at the thing that isn’t for you.
If you exited a relationship where you were trying to convert somebody into something they’re not, where you tried to force somebody to give you the relationship that you know that you are worthy of but that they’re not the person for, that’s a success, not a failure.
It’s OK to hurt, to smart after rejection, but don’t reject yourself. In any situation where you’re feeling unwanted, unworthy or rejectionable, question that.
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Natalie,
I understand how you feel. I am inevolved in a writing project that I have hopes for succeeding.
I really got so much from your honesty on this podcast! Thank you for talking and thank you for all you do. You are so helpful to so many.
Never underestimate how much you do to help and encourage your listeners (and readers). Also I love the fact that you are not a “millennial” because I am even older than you!!! So keep up all your awesome work. Age brings wisdom ?
NATALIE
on 22/02/2019 at 6:19 pm
Thank you so much, T. Best of luck with your writing project. There are so many routes now that one way or another, you will birth it.
And yes, age brings wisdom, haha! At least I hope so!
MaS
on 08/02/2019 at 11:53 pm
This resonated with me completely. Sometimes the power to be vulnerable, to be ok with failure, with rejection is extremely difficult yet highly necessary.
Our mind plays with us, thinking of a reason, when all we really need to learn is complete acceptance of the moment – of the situation as it is.
As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be, you can’t see how it is.
Thank you for this post.
NATALIE
on 22/02/2019 at 6:21 pm
Thank you, MaS. This is beautifully expressed. It encapsulated exactly what I’ve wrestled with… and then surrendered to.
“As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be, you can’t see how it is.” I’m going to write this out and stick it somewhere I can see it. So powerful! Thank you for this gift.
Isla
on 09/02/2019 at 10:10 am
Natalie,
Thank you for sharing with us. As someone who should work on being more emotionally open, I really appreciated it.
I know that you know this, but your blog and podcast have been a godsend to so many people – myself included. Thank you for doing what you do.
If it’s what you want, I suspect that a much better book deal will come your way.
NATALIE
on 22/02/2019 at 6:23 pm
Goodness! Thank you, Isla. I knew that if I kept my silence, it would feed into this notion that I have something to be ashamed of. I took a pivotal step the following week… and told my mother what happened. That is just not something I do. And do you know what? The conversation had its awkward moments but it was hugely beneficial. Not only was it an opportunity to overcome a vulnerability block and learn something from it, but she had some interesting insights, too.
Noquay
on 14/02/2019 at 2:32 pm
“There’s no success at being successful at the thing that isn’t for you”; soooo true, pretty much says it all. Tried so hard to be a success as a professor, as a girlfriend, at “normal” life. Have also hated on myself for my lack of happiness in achieving those (non) goals. It felt as though through not succeeding at those things, I was going to be drug, kicking and screaming, back into the education-hating, low end White wannabe, poverty life of my family that I fled at 17. Though I have serious concerns about my immediate future, I have come to understand that never again can I be constrained by schedules and routines, men that others consider age or otherwise appropriate for me, or even living within the constraints and values of modern dominant society. Not for me is the constant need to be entertained, live only for comfort and convenience without awareness of the impacts, watching my body decay into ill health and obesity, stressed out 24/7. Need to be outside, active in mind and body, most of the time. Regrettably, few quality, responsible, men feel the same so I will also need to embrace aloneness.
NATALIE
on 22/02/2019 at 6:27 pm
Noquay, you have busted your tail and now your life has got to be about living your life for you as you with no apologies. You did the best that you could. You thought you had to be all of those things or that your efforts would equal happiness. And you achieved *a lot*, but it’s time for a new way to be you. It’s a return to the self who you’ve put aside in the pursuit of trying to fit into other people’s idea and even your own vision of who you thought you had to be.
And, you know what? Focus on doing what feels in alignment with you and let everything else follow. Yes, you may need to embrace aloneness, but it’s possible that in relaxing into being you and not pushing so hard, that something or someone else is going to present itself. In the meantime, I’m inclined to think that you will be far happier alone than you would be settling for some guy that ticks the village’s boxes!
Sarah
on 19/02/2019 at 4:23 am
Hi Natalie,
I related so much to this podcast. Although my “failures” haven’t related to book publishing, I felt with you while you were describing your emotions. It hurts to go through something like that. I’ve felt like a “hard sell” all my life on some level too, going back to childhood and parents, and rejections and failures can be so triggering and soul crushing. However, like you, I’m resilient, and on some level I know my own value and trust my intuition and my judgment – always have. Hearing you work through your internal process and get to “don’t reject yourself” was moving to me – and it helped me affirm something I’ve always felt to be true but hadn’t put into those exact words. In fact, it made me thinking of something I’ve been holding on to that happened to me several years ago, and I realized that it hurt the way it did because I rejected myself and never really felt like I could rise above it. Hearing you say it, and seeing how it’s so clearly true in your case, was a bit healing for me and made me feel stronger.
The way I feel about this publisher essentially not getting or appreciating you (which is how I see it) is similar to how I feel when an inspiring new show gets canceled because too many people didn’t see it or because they preferred the show of lesser quality. Or on a more personal level, it reminds me of how I felt when I saw my insightful, sensitive, precious little nephew being painfully misread and rejected by his own mother as a child because of her issues and blind spots. It’s a feeling of defensiveness and protectiveness that sort of rises up in me. I KNOW this person, or this thing, is precious, that there’s something special here worth valuing and celebrating. But people can’t always see that, and it’s so frustrating.
Anyway, in a better world, someone with some pull on their team would have seen what I and so many of the people you’ve helped see, and they would have wanted to share that with even more people by publishing your wonderful book. I’m sorry they didn’t, but honestly, if there’s any “failure” here, it’s theirs, not yours! And in the end, you might be better off. You don’t know what might come around the next corner!
This also makes me think of a “Fail Forward” event I’ve attended a couple times. At the university where I’m a graduate student (a returning student who went back after about a decade), they started implementing this “Fail Forward” program some years ago. I think it’s based on something that originally started at Stanford, but anyway, they have this event where they bring professors and other high achievers onto a panel, and give them the standard impressive introduction consisting of a long overview of their many degrees, publications, and accomplishments. Then each person takes the microphone and says, “OK, now I’m going to tell you the shadow part of this story, the part we typically edit out. I’m going to tell you my story by describing all my failures.” They go one-by-one re-telling their stories by describing each time they failed, and at the end, there is a Q&A with the audience.
Those people who were willing to get up there and share their stories (some absolutely heartbreaking) of rejection, messing up, failing again and again, in an environment that worships success, are so courageous. Like you, they were willing to go deep and get real about their experiences in order to show that everyone goes through this. People often feel so much shame, thinking they’re the only ones, and it’s only when we break the silence that we realize we’re all experiencing it. The heart of the “Fail Forward” event is resilience. It’s about encouraging that quality.
Not all of the panels I’ve seen have been as good as that first one, when people dug deep and shared some things I was frankly surprised they were willing to share. But I think that kind of truth-telling, when someone is able to do it, can literally save lives.
Anyway, whatever you do, whether you find another publisher who’s a better fit, or go on doing your thing and touching lives as you have been for some time, it’s going to be wonderful because what you bring to the table is unique and inspired.
I’ve been a listener/reader for many years now. I can’t even begin to list all the ways you’ve helped me over the years. Thank you again!
NATALIE
on 22/02/2019 at 6:16 pm
Wow, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and for sharing not only your personal experiences but the Fail Forward event. I know some misunderstood kids like your nephew. We recognise it because, well, we’ve been that kid. And there will be pain as a result of those experiences, not just for him but also his mother, but at the same time, they will be part of what is going to serve him in some way in future. Twisted as that might be. It’s like when I realise that I couldn’t do the specific work that I do or have the insight I have without the experiences.
It’s funny, but ever since I had that call, I’ve become aware of so many people telling little nuggets of their stories. Hearing the not-so-polished version of events, but also, hearing about the behind the scenes of having got the thing that I thought I wanted. I genuinely believe that I’m supported by life even in my darker moments… so I figure that I needed this experience but that, certainly for now, the publisher route isn’t for me and it will prove to be a good thing in the end. It already is, actually!
HappyAgain
on 22/02/2019 at 2:45 am
Natalie,
Thank YOU so much for this! This was/is exactly what i needed to hear today. I have really been struggling due to a long series of events many culminating with moving to a new area w “high achieving” people who put on the succesful fronts usually who expect of others what they cannot even achieve themselves — perfection. Though logically i know this and appreciate real people i must say this environment is so not conpatible for me and it has triggered many things i also thought were laid to rest. Things you explained so perfectly thst match exactly how i feel. I have cried like you mentioned yesterday. I feel so anxious for the same reason you described. Not being enough, being imperfect, things i have come to being ok with until here. I have been trying to figure out my feelings and why this place and many of these people trigger so much negatively and high anxiety levels and this podcast helped me with missing pieces of the puzzle. Now i can continue putting it together to work through some things. Thank you SO much for all you do. Truly no one has made such a positive difference in my life processes as you due to the things I have learned over the years listening to and reading you. At work i had a “success” folder in my email, they were emails where maybe i offered a kind word to someone or told their boss good things about them and they told me how much it meant to them. Though i resolve issues for clients all day and feel good to do a good job, the success folder is for the other and those are the things that are truly meaningful for me. I know you did not get these book deals right now and your disappointment and hurt are valid i want you to know i feel like in what really matters most in life you have more successes then any of these publishers or agents can ever attain. Thank you for being open and transparent with us all so we feel less alone, more alike, more accepted, more ok and more loved. The world needs more successes like you!
NATALIE
on 22/02/2019 at 6:33 pm
Aw, thanks HappyAgain. I’m sorry that you are feeling so triggered by being around these people. It’s forcing you to confront old buried feelings. Bit like when old feelings emerged last year about being an ‘outsider’ because of all all the ‘cool girls’ who appear to be achieving everything. The funny thing is that when I was honest about those feelings, I heard from so many people, including peers, who also grapple with feeling like an outsider. I initially hated how I felt because each time I saw them on social media or occasionally at events, it triggered the unpleasantry. But I realised that a lot of this is about talking kindly to my younger self but also acknowledging unexpressed desires or needs — and these may be aspirations and needs that when we examine them in the cold light of day, they’re not as important as we *think*. Maybe to our ego who feels threatened by, for example, the high-achieving folk, but not to our real self.
I’m so pleased that you look at your “success” folder and that you actively add to it. This is an act of self-care that allows you to gain perspective in those moments where you forget the truth of who you are.
And the funny thing is, none of us are perfect, even the people we compare ourselves to!
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2024, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
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Natalie,
I understand how you feel. I am inevolved in a writing project that I have hopes for succeeding.
I really got so much from your honesty on this podcast! Thank you for talking and thank you for all you do. You are so helpful to so many.
Never underestimate how much you do to help and encourage your listeners (and readers). Also I love the fact that you are not a “millennial” because I am even older than you!!! So keep up all your awesome work. Age brings wisdom ?
Thank you so much, T. Best of luck with your writing project. There are so many routes now that one way or another, you will birth it.
And yes, age brings wisdom, haha! At least I hope so!
This resonated with me completely. Sometimes the power to be vulnerable, to be ok with failure, with rejection is extremely difficult yet highly necessary.
Our mind plays with us, thinking of a reason, when all we really need to learn is complete acceptance of the moment – of the situation as it is.
As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be, you can’t see how it is.
Thank you for this post.
Thank you, MaS. This is beautifully expressed. It encapsulated exactly what I’ve wrestled with… and then surrendered to.
“As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be, you can’t see how it is.” I’m going to write this out and stick it somewhere I can see it. So powerful! Thank you for this gift.
Natalie,
Thank you for sharing with us. As someone who should work on being more emotionally open, I really appreciated it.
I know that you know this, but your blog and podcast have been a godsend to so many people – myself included. Thank you for doing what you do.
If it’s what you want, I suspect that a much better book deal will come your way.
Goodness! Thank you, Isla. I knew that if I kept my silence, it would feed into this notion that I have something to be ashamed of. I took a pivotal step the following week… and told my mother what happened. That is just not something I do. And do you know what? The conversation had its awkward moments but it was hugely beneficial. Not only was it an opportunity to overcome a vulnerability block and learn something from it, but she had some interesting insights, too.
“There’s no success at being successful at the thing that isn’t for you”; soooo true, pretty much says it all. Tried so hard to be a success as a professor, as a girlfriend, at “normal” life. Have also hated on myself for my lack of happiness in achieving those (non) goals. It felt as though through not succeeding at those things, I was going to be drug, kicking and screaming, back into the education-hating, low end White wannabe, poverty life of my family that I fled at 17. Though I have serious concerns about my immediate future, I have come to understand that never again can I be constrained by schedules and routines, men that others consider age or otherwise appropriate for me, or even living within the constraints and values of modern dominant society. Not for me is the constant need to be entertained, live only for comfort and convenience without awareness of the impacts, watching my body decay into ill health and obesity, stressed out 24/7. Need to be outside, active in mind and body, most of the time. Regrettably, few quality, responsible, men feel the same so I will also need to embrace aloneness.
Noquay, you have busted your tail and now your life has got to be about living your life for you as you with no apologies. You did the best that you could. You thought you had to be all of those things or that your efforts would equal happiness. And you achieved *a lot*, but it’s time for a new way to be you. It’s a return to the self who you’ve put aside in the pursuit of trying to fit into other people’s idea and even your own vision of who you thought you had to be.
And, you know what? Focus on doing what feels in alignment with you and let everything else follow. Yes, you may need to embrace aloneness, but it’s possible that in relaxing into being you and not pushing so hard, that something or someone else is going to present itself. In the meantime, I’m inclined to think that you will be far happier alone than you would be settling for some guy that ticks the village’s boxes!
Hi Natalie,
I related so much to this podcast. Although my “failures” haven’t related to book publishing, I felt with you while you were describing your emotions. It hurts to go through something like that. I’ve felt like a “hard sell” all my life on some level too, going back to childhood and parents, and rejections and failures can be so triggering and soul crushing. However, like you, I’m resilient, and on some level I know my own value and trust my intuition and my judgment – always have. Hearing you work through your internal process and get to “don’t reject yourself” was moving to me – and it helped me affirm something I’ve always felt to be true but hadn’t put into those exact words. In fact, it made me thinking of something I’ve been holding on to that happened to me several years ago, and I realized that it hurt the way it did because I rejected myself and never really felt like I could rise above it. Hearing you say it, and seeing how it’s so clearly true in your case, was a bit healing for me and made me feel stronger.
The way I feel about this publisher essentially not getting or appreciating you (which is how I see it) is similar to how I feel when an inspiring new show gets canceled because too many people didn’t see it or because they preferred the show of lesser quality. Or on a more personal level, it reminds me of how I felt when I saw my insightful, sensitive, precious little nephew being painfully misread and rejected by his own mother as a child because of her issues and blind spots. It’s a feeling of defensiveness and protectiveness that sort of rises up in me. I KNOW this person, or this thing, is precious, that there’s something special here worth valuing and celebrating. But people can’t always see that, and it’s so frustrating.
Anyway, in a better world, someone with some pull on their team would have seen what I and so many of the people you’ve helped see, and they would have wanted to share that with even more people by publishing your wonderful book. I’m sorry they didn’t, but honestly, if there’s any “failure” here, it’s theirs, not yours! And in the end, you might be better off. You don’t know what might come around the next corner!
This also makes me think of a “Fail Forward” event I’ve attended a couple times. At the university where I’m a graduate student (a returning student who went back after about a decade), they started implementing this “Fail Forward” program some years ago. I think it’s based on something that originally started at Stanford, but anyway, they have this event where they bring professors and other high achievers onto a panel, and give them the standard impressive introduction consisting of a long overview of their many degrees, publications, and accomplishments. Then each person takes the microphone and says, “OK, now I’m going to tell you the shadow part of this story, the part we typically edit out. I’m going to tell you my story by describing all my failures.” They go one-by-one re-telling their stories by describing each time they failed, and at the end, there is a Q&A with the audience.
Those people who were willing to get up there and share their stories (some absolutely heartbreaking) of rejection, messing up, failing again and again, in an environment that worships success, are so courageous. Like you, they were willing to go deep and get real about their experiences in order to show that everyone goes through this. People often feel so much shame, thinking they’re the only ones, and it’s only when we break the silence that we realize we’re all experiencing it. The heart of the “Fail Forward” event is resilience. It’s about encouraging that quality.
Not all of the panels I’ve seen have been as good as that first one, when people dug deep and shared some things I was frankly surprised they were willing to share. But I think that kind of truth-telling, when someone is able to do it, can literally save lives.
Anyway, whatever you do, whether you find another publisher who’s a better fit, or go on doing your thing and touching lives as you have been for some time, it’s going to be wonderful because what you bring to the table is unique and inspired.
I’ve been a listener/reader for many years now. I can’t even begin to list all the ways you’ve helped me over the years. Thank you again!
Wow, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and for sharing not only your personal experiences but the Fail Forward event. I know some misunderstood kids like your nephew. We recognise it because, well, we’ve been that kid. And there will be pain as a result of those experiences, not just for him but also his mother, but at the same time, they will be part of what is going to serve him in some way in future. Twisted as that might be. It’s like when I realise that I couldn’t do the specific work that I do or have the insight I have without the experiences.
It’s funny, but ever since I had that call, I’ve become aware of so many people telling little nuggets of their stories. Hearing the not-so-polished version of events, but also, hearing about the behind the scenes of having got the thing that I thought I wanted. I genuinely believe that I’m supported by life even in my darker moments… so I figure that I needed this experience but that, certainly for now, the publisher route isn’t for me and it will prove to be a good thing in the end. It already is, actually!
Natalie,
Thank YOU so much for this! This was/is exactly what i needed to hear today. I have really been struggling due to a long series of events many culminating with moving to a new area w “high achieving” people who put on the succesful fronts usually who expect of others what they cannot even achieve themselves — perfection. Though logically i know this and appreciate real people i must say this environment is so not conpatible for me and it has triggered many things i also thought were laid to rest. Things you explained so perfectly thst match exactly how i feel. I have cried like you mentioned yesterday. I feel so anxious for the same reason you described. Not being enough, being imperfect, things i have come to being ok with until here. I have been trying to figure out my feelings and why this place and many of these people trigger so much negatively and high anxiety levels and this podcast helped me with missing pieces of the puzzle. Now i can continue putting it together to work through some things. Thank you SO much for all you do. Truly no one has made such a positive difference in my life processes as you due to the things I have learned over the years listening to and reading you. At work i had a “success” folder in my email, they were emails where maybe i offered a kind word to someone or told their boss good things about them and they told me how much it meant to them. Though i resolve issues for clients all day and feel good to do a good job, the success folder is for the other and those are the things that are truly meaningful for me. I know you did not get these book deals right now and your disappointment and hurt are valid i want you to know i feel like in what really matters most in life you have more successes then any of these publishers or agents can ever attain. Thank you for being open and transparent with us all so we feel less alone, more alike, more accepted, more ok and more loved. The world needs more successes like you!
Aw, thanks HappyAgain. I’m sorry that you are feeling so triggered by being around these people. It’s forcing you to confront old buried feelings. Bit like when old feelings emerged last year about being an ‘outsider’ because of all all the ‘cool girls’ who appear to be achieving everything. The funny thing is that when I was honest about those feelings, I heard from so many people, including peers, who also grapple with feeling like an outsider. I initially hated how I felt because each time I saw them on social media or occasionally at events, it triggered the unpleasantry. But I realised that a lot of this is about talking kindly to my younger self but also acknowledging unexpressed desires or needs — and these may be aspirations and needs that when we examine them in the cold light of day, they’re not as important as we *think*. Maybe to our ego who feels threatened by, for example, the high-achieving folk, but not to our real self.
I’m so pleased that you look at your “success” folder and that you actively add to it. This is an act of self-care that allows you to gain perspective in those moments where you forget the truth of who you are.
And the funny thing is, none of us are perfect, even the people we compare ourselves to!