A few years back I wrote about when you have an epiphany relationship:
“a relationship that caused you to have a sudden clarity and insight into that particular relationship, yourself, your actions, and potentially all of your relationships. There is a defining moment within this relationship where everything changed for you and suddenly you couldn’t escape the truth and it became life changing”
It’s likely that you have experienced a series of epiphany moments, which are various events in and out of your relationships where “whilst they didn’t immediately change your actions, they left enough of an imprint that when
combined with others, helped galvanise your change when you had your epiphany relationship.” – Source – my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
For a lot of people, these are basically your ‘enough’ moments. Often you don’t think you have your limit when you’re in the thick of it at the time, especially when you’re used to having little or no boundaries, but then you find yourself experiencing something even more outrageous than the previous times that suddenly makes you call a halt to things and behave differently to how you have in the past.
Over the past few weeks, I have placed a lot of emphasis on reconnecting with yourself and getting real by having an honest conversation with yourself and being more authentic, as well as getting out of stuck to bring the positivity into your life and managing your desire to be the exception by not relying on anamolies as a basis for governing your thoughts about what you think ‘might’ happen in your relationships if only the stars aligned, the planets collided, and you effectively got struck by lightening.
One of the difficulties with getting ‘real’ with ourselves and putting truth and clarity into our lives is that when we are honest about the type of relationships that we have been involved in, the recognition throws the spotlight back on ourselves because if we truly being honest, we’ll recognise our own contribution that has kept us in the cycle.
We have series of epiphany moments because we don’t want to follow through on our judgement and potential implications.
It seems easier to continue with the familiar uncomfortable rather than take the judgement ‘all the way’ and get into an uncomfortable unknown that actually has the potential to give you a far more ‘comfortable’, positive life experience. An example of this is that people who struggle to let go of relationships become evidence gatherers like CSI’s who don’t process the evidence. Instead, they let the evidence pile up, look at it, draw conclusions, and then decide to go out and look for even more evidence, even though they already have an overwhelming amount to solve the relationship case – check out my post on obsessing and overthinking: processing the evidence of your relationship so you can move on.
When we are experiencing various epiphany moments, we’ll experience some to greater and lesser degrees but eventually (hopefully), we connect the dots on these experiences and trust our gut, instincts, and the knowledge of what we have already experienced to make a big judgement that acts as our epiphany relationship.
Until I had my epiphany relationship, I thought I was having an extended run of bad luck with dating and relationships, but had been having epiphany moments for years that had been powering my dramatic leaps out of relationships.
I tend to find that people who have a habit of being in unhealthy relationships fall into two epiphany moment camps:
When they have their ‘enough’ moments, they go out in a blaze of glory and don’t look back, although will still make their way into the next poor relationship until really learn from their experiences. These people are prone to the (polar) opposites game in dating and relationships – homing in on one particular thing and going for the opposite next time round and coming up with the same problems because they’re missing the bigger picture.
OR
When they have their ‘enough’ moment, they go out upset, but keep looking back and hoping that the person has changed, and also keep blaming themselves. They too get information from their epiphanies that can empower them but find it difficult to get perspective and keep looking for reasons to go back. They only move onto someone else when they finally feel they’ve exhausted all possibilities, often ending up with a new replica…
I was in the blaze of glory camp – when I was done, I was done. I had a number of horrible epiphany moments that should have been more than enough to kick my bum into gear – realising that I felt utterly demoralised by an ex, his family and his friends, being shocked at the extent of another exes barefaced lies and manipulation combined with his aggression, and probably the worst – having a panic attack in central London because my ex Mr Unavailable, the one with the girlfriend, was having one of his jealous and possessive rants, and then almost watching myself from a distance as I let him put me on a packed tube. Alone. This was because he was more worried about getting back for a phonecall than making sure I got home OK…
You’d think these and a lot more would be more than enough on their own, but actually it was something a lot less painful and almost amusing – realising that my ‘barely there’ five month relationship wasn’t a relationship and realising that it was me who was letting myself be treated in that way.
I remember asking him what made him think that I was the type of woman that would be OK with some pathetic little relationship where he could dip in and out when it suited, but then realised I could answer my own question – he thought I was that way because I had been that way.
One thing I do know is that having an epiphany, period, is about being ready to listen, ready to see, and ready to act.
You might not know you’re ready or may have an inkling and so I guess the key in moving forward to a better place emotionally is being willing and ready to hear, see, and act, even though it may mean hearing, seeing, or doing things that take you out of your comfort zone.
Honestly, my wake up call truly arrived when I stopped bullsh*tting myself. It was scary, distressing, and even downright nauseating at times because there were so many revelations and realisations. I was even able to laugh, cry, and cringe at the same time, but I could finally look myself in the eye when I stood in the mirror. I couldn’t help but be annoyed with myself but then quickly realised it wouldn’t get me anywhere and I’d only remove my own power to sort my life out if I wallowed in negativity.
Remember: we are human, we make mistakes, we want to love and be loved.
Cut yourself some slack and be compassionate to yourself instead of cutting slack for everyone else and being compassionate to them whilst sidelining yourself.
A short while after the wake up call started reverberating through my life, I went back to the lung specialists for my checkup where they told me that my disease Sarcoidosis had flared up again and that I needed to go back on steroids immediately or keel over from pulmonary heart failure by the time I was 40. I was petrified and almost said yes, but decided to take a chance on me and say a very resounding NO, telling him that I needed to explore other options, and if none of them panned out, I’d go the steroid route.
I suddenly realised that my life was not about men and relationships and that I had to fight for me and explore other options.
Unwittingly, I ended up doing this across all areas of my life. I was 28 years old and felt like my life was shrinking and I suddenly felt very tired at the prospect of squandering my life to pandering to assclowns and Mr Unavailables. I needed to focus on me, take care of myself and get better. Thankfully I never had to take steroids again and have been in remission for four years next month.
I needed to do things differently every single day and until I had as much evidence that things were equally horrible on the new route as they were in my past, I was going to keep trying.
Today I found out that an acquaintance passed away suddenly three months ago. When I foolishly locked myself out of the house a couple of years ago, she let myself and the very young baby (I only had one then!) come in for tea, and as people tend to around me, she ended up filling me in on her rocky life with her Mr Unavailable. She told me she was tired, that she wanted to live life so differently, but kept going back after she’d end things – nothing big enough seemed to trigger a major desire for change because the drama with him was the familiar uncomfortable. Unfortunately nothing will trigger that change now.
If you spend a lot of time thinking about an old relationship or an ex, or instead, focus on berating yourself, you’re stealing time from you and focusing your energy on the wrong things. Likewise, if you’ll place your bets on other people instead of taking a leap of faith on yourself, you won’t act in your own best interests.
You can’t go forward if you’re not getting on with living the life you’re in now because you’re trying to hold on to something that has already passed by and was potentially making you miserable.
Keep challenging yourself to be honest. Keep challenging yourself to see things as they are instead of how you thought they were, or how you’d like them to be. Ask yourself what your part is in things, not because you should be blaming yourself, but because we are all accountable for where we are, especially when we keep finding ourselves in the same patterns. Ask yourself what you don’t want to think or talk about – and then think and talk about it. Ask yourself what you’ve been avoiding doing and evaluate whether you should actually be doing it. Be willing to hear and be willing to ask the uncomfortable questions that prevent you from getting lost in illusions.
Treat yourself like a valuable friend who you trust to act in your best interests, even though it means that at times you’ll make uncomfortable decisions that work in the favour of the greater good of yourself.
Wake up! Many of us are sleeping on the job – coasting through life, letting life and relationships ‘happen’ to us and thinking that it must be ‘fate’ and what we want. We’re relying on staying as we are and hoping that life turns in our favour. Raise the alarm, set it, and keep setting it every day because if you want something different to what you’ve had, you’ve got to live life differently and be different to what you’ve been. That doesn’t mean fundamentally changing who you are – it’s recognising that relationship insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results.
Your thoughts?
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Another excellent post! I have identified myself as the person that gets upset but keeps looking back hoping that things will be different. I have spent so much time in pain devoting some much attention to people that are not worthy of my time. I have been in no contact for over a year and although it hurts alot and I still spend too much time obsessing I am optimistic that one day I will be to remove myself from the situation completely. I have been through alot of pain and I am ready to live differently!!!Thanks 😉
Weird how things show up at the right time. This is exactly what I am going through/doing right now. I’ve recently started to make the change, step out of my comfort zone and the best part is I have come to that true sense of knowing my value and what I need to do/change. All thanks to much reading on the internet (this site especially, what a blessing), a good, hard look at my relationship patterns and self, and just accepting that I had to look at the real picture of my relationship. I couldn’t help but have an aha moment. lol. This article is bang on for me right now. I must say, as much as it does feel so uncomfortable, I have this empowerment feeling I didn’t expect since I took this on and it feels good to have that good feeling when everything feels so scary.
NML Awesome post as Usual! I can relate to you health condition (I’m glad that you are doing great without the steroids by the way). I have heart palpitations and when I am under a lot of stress, not surprisingly, I get chest pains. When I was with my AC I was on medication, now that he is gone, guess what, No medication needed. Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person and wondering if they will ever change. Who cares?! Our lives and well being are way more important than having twisted men in order to extract a mediocre relationship from them.
NML Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I think you have gained so much wisdom and this is your gift. Thank you for your post and the wake up calls we receive from you every week. This is definitely one of them. God Bless you!!
Hi. This particular advice could not have come at a better time for me. Funny how that sometimes works. I’ve been reading your email advice for about 3 months now and YOUR’s have been the ones to finally force me to take an honest and serious look at my own contributions to the situation I was in with my EU AC. My ‘epiphany moment’ came yesterday when he called me to change the time for an ‘important’ talk he wanted with me about getting back together. Instead of coming at 3pm to talk, have dinner, etc., he wanted to work out at the gym first, come over at 5pm, but then rush out again for a birthday drink celebration with a man that I’ve know too for the past 8 years. This was not a men’s only get together. My AC ‘left’ me in August, the same week I lost my full time job, for a girl who came to the tennis club on guest day (where he is President and where I spent a great deal of time too and knew everyone), and she blew everyone away by winning. AFter that, it seems they hooked up. But..being the commitment phobic that he is, he talked to her about me and also watched our dog often, and so she gave him a time out to sort himself out. He called me to tell me he was free and single about a half an hour later. This went on and on, back and forth. We are not kids by the way. I’m 56 and he is 57….but Assclowns are assclowns, and if it’s taken 56 years to wise up…well, hopefully I’ll be all the wiser for the next 56 years. He had the nerve to text me from Dominican Republic while on vacation with HER, to tell me he was sorry, felt bad, blah, blah. Things went back and forth for the next few weeks and he was extremely affectionate while with me; missed me, praised me up the gazoo…about our apt. we own in Argentina and in Brooklyn and how beautiful all was….and then after a verbal love fest of 2 days, I heard absolutely nothing for two days. (Note..we have been together and through so much for almost 7.5 years. I met him 5 months after the death of his wife in the World Trade Center attack on 9/11. I should have seen it..no..paid attention then because he bitched often about his departed wife.) Anyway, he wanted to talk to me about getting back together………but wanted it where he could be ‘free’ to sort out his feelings for Maria. He also wanted to now go to this party…and probably take her. THAT WAS the moment; the last straw in what has been hell for the last 3.5 years. This started the MOMENT we got real in our relationship and bought property together. I actually kept ‘calm’ and sweetly answered that it seemed he needed time to sort himself out; time to figure it all out..and that I was going to pull out and he now had ALL THE TIME HE NEEDED….because….I am so out of here now. This is the most aggregious thing he has done….to try to put me into the role of his therapist and accomplice and squeeze me in for our chat between his other priorities. I knew at that moment I was not coming out ahead and had not for sometime. I also realized then he was playing both of us for fools. Your site and books have been Godsends…and absolutely right on. THank you. I feel I can do this now. I feel more respect for myself and my boundries than I ever have and I am not going back to what has turned into something so convaluted (sp ?), disrespectful to me and selfish. This has not felt good for some time and I’ve been in pain by his behavior for a very long time. I deserve much better. WE all deserve much better!!! Thank you. Linda M. in Brookyn.
Linda M, you are an inspiration! Good job!
I am 32 and going through the most awful break-up I’ve ever experienced.
I am the “upset, look back” girl. My EU AC broke my heart twice in high school, college, and then 14 years later. (I was married in between and after my divorce I had a whirlwind 4 month romance). It took NML’s blogs and a epiphany moment to see that I needed to leave this time and for good. The deal breaker for me came when I told him I couldn’t stay if he didn’t love me….(he’s had years of time and four months in, we were doing everything else but saying the L word). He said he wasn’t there yet, that he needed to buy his house and car, he’s just not ready to love. And then he asked, “Is this goodbye forever?” I said “It can be if you want it to be”
Two weeks went by and going from 2 hours of talk at night to none, I called him back and said, It’s over forever. You shouldn’t have to TRY and make someone love you. I deserve to be chased after, and loved with all that I give. My epiphany moment made me single and it’s been so hard because I do miss all of the wonderful things he did, but can’t accept all the wishy washy promises “blow hot and cold” stuff anymore. I’m holding out for a real man who moves slow and means what he says. At times, it’s lonely, but it’s better than being on pins and needles wondering “Do you love me now?” “How about now?” “If I act this way, will you love me now?”
Hang in there! I’m rooting for you!
Myrtle in Ca.
Assclown free since 1/11/2010
NML, I had to start laughing when I saw this post. For the last couple of weeks most of your blogs have been dead on when it comes my “situation”. This one is no different…and it came right on time. It is funny how an epiphanies work…a few days ago I felt lost and in the dark…yet today it was as though a very bright light was turned on.
NML–
So this past weekend I went to the party and saw the jerk-EUM who demoralized me in the 3 months we barely saw each other, but who, at the same time, was an epiphany relationship. Please, tell me what you think of this:
He was the first person I saw when we got there! I saw him from outside, through a set of double-doors, pacing the vestibule of the hall. My husband dropped me off to park the car, and I and the EUM were the only two people in the vestibule for a good few minutes. He even passed in front of me, so that I would be sure to see him (as if I wouldn’t? We were the only 2 people there, in a big, quiet space!). Strangely, as I waited there for my husband, the EUM and his little 3-year-old girl stood still, no pacing, on the other side of the double-doors. We were both quiet. It was awkward: the last time we were alone in a room like that was, well, you know, when we were alone together, at his place, only one time. (We did not have sex or go too far; O.K.! Just kissing…basically.) When I went into the main room of the party, he went in. When I went up to the receiving line, he came towards where I was standing and talking to the couple and their families. (This was a party/wedding reception.) Did he want to hear what I was saying? Then, after dinner, when I was clearly on my way to the hallway, he walked in front of me, and “beat me” to hanging out there. Why all these things?
Funny, he won’t talk to me first when his wife is with him, and when she isn’t! So why does he put himself into view and in my area? He wants me to talk to him first? (That will never happen.)
So the wife continues in not talking to me when he is there, and being friendly when he isn’t! If she doesn’t trust me as a person well enough to know by now that I won’t be talking to her husband (much less putting the hit on him!), then it is high time that I start either blowing her off completely, 100%, or talking to her AND him when I see them. And, in the future, once I have this baby, I will be seeing them a lot more often.
NML, what do you think about all of the above? My family thinks I am being too hard on him. But I am resolute on keeping my promise to myself (of NC, forever) that I made when I decided to end this, yes, “epiphany” relationship.
BTW, I did have a great time! And it wasn’t too hard or distracting, ignoring him. Because I focused on me, my husband, our good news, and our friends.
Dear NML,
You have me in tears on this one! Thank you! You are so right and I needed to read this. I want so many things in my life and I’m going to live! I want to do so many things aside from taking care of myself. I want to wallow in truth and honesty, with myself, by myself. I’m sorry to hear about your friend. My condolences.
Thank you.
Sherry
Go NML! It’s all true. Whenever I was in an unhappy relationship, wondering what Mr. Unavailable would do next, people would ask me, “Well, why don’t you think about what YOU want.” And that question never really computed. On some level I never really believed that I could have or even deserved something really great. I thought I was supposed to find a guy who fit my imagined “ideal” and then wrestle a relationship out of him. I would usually leave the relationship as one of the people NML described as upset and looking back. Fortunately, with the most recent Mr. Unavailable, I was sitting in his apartment after having had sex and he wasn’t going to buy me dinner or walk me home and suddenly everything clicked into place: “This is not what I want.” It’s like a miracle occurred. I bear him no hard feelings and I don’t have to blame myself for anything–we’re just looking for different things. It shined a light on my previous relationships, too. My expectations for the various MUs were way outsized for the reality of the situations and, essentially, I was ignoring the signs (partially because I didn’t know any better or think I deserved any better) and I was living in fantasy. Now, with the current MU, I have no expectations and I’m sitting back, detached, and observing what happens with him (purely for sociological/curiousity purposes) but meanwhile making dates with other guys and being open to dating men I never would have before. When all the dots connected, it really was like a miracle occurred. One night I was crying on the phone to a girlfriend and the next night I was jumping up and down saying, “I get it. I understand.” Hopefully I’m on the road to Relationship Recovery. Thanks NML.
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Mr. Unavailable #19.5: Liar, Liar =-.
Natalie, you are great… This really hit me – “If you spend a lot of time thinking about an old relationship or an ex, or instead, focus on berating yourself, you’re stealing time from you and focusing your energy on the wrong things”…I do think a lot, and its “drive” me mad, saying to myself: “If only…If I did that…” and it is never ends – all this blame and who I blame all the time? MYSELF! Ok, I have to admit sometimes, it is my fault (I have a bad temper) that my relationships are not working out, but instead of concentrating on myself and making myself a better person, I waste my energy and time on “illusions”…
Thank you NML for another “eye openner” post, glad that you feel yourself better:-)
I fall into the, “keep looking back” category. But, as with all other things, I do it in a bit of a different way: I keep looking back and thinking what was I thinking, what did I miss that I shouldn’t have, how did I let myself get here in the first place, and all other sorts of analysis that will end up driving me batty.
I blame me. I have a hard time accepting that I made such a mistake. How could I not have seen what an AC he was? How is it that my radar failed me for the first time? Why can’t he see that he is destroying himself along with anyone who happens to come into his sphere?
So, my self-esteem really took a hit, but not in the sense of, “I’m not good enough for him; if only I would have done X,Y,Z; what if I had been better in bed”? Not in that way.
My self-esteem took a hit in the sense that I am still beating myself up for not recognizing the signs. It is very paralyzing. I think, perhaps, that in my situation, I wish that I could just run away from it all. We work in the same building. He is still an AC/EUM, surrounds himself with less than stellar people, and still ended up getting promoted and getting a larger share of the “boss” pie. He also ended up with a POS right hand girl.
And, this is where my “lack” of really goes into full time gear. I want to promote within the organization, and am seemingly not “fit” for the position I am seeking. Yet, his right hand girl, who couldn’t put two sentences together, got promoted to that same classification. Really good people have left the organization because of her . . .
But, yet, I am jealous.
So, here I go again? What is it that is wrong with me that I am bothered by this? Really, I should be happy to have had the epiphany, I should be happy to not have become part of that “community” as Brad K. would say, but yet, I find that I am stuck in wondering what it is that I missed.
Clearly more work to do.
Thank God I learned about NC, or I would still be trying to work on him and helping him see that he could be so much more than he is.
Thing is: he gets to promote even without being authentic and real and working towards the greater good.
Angelina, I totally understand where you are coming from. What I can tell you is that I was on a roller coaster of emotions until I put NC into action. I had not felt this much drama since the AC I had at 21(that was ten years ago!!). I have since met many Mr. UA’s and AC’s, but I was quick to catch on. This one managed to slip under my defense system and before I knew it I was back to feeling exactly as I did when I was 21. Only this time I felt like a complete fool for not paying attention. I am learning that self-knowledge is really a never-ending course. Also, if you don’t remain consistent in learning about you…then you open the door for any AC to come barging in.
you can read my mind NML, your posts are always very much to what I am going through at the moment!!! Love it!!!
Thank you Natalie,this was such a timely post.A good reminder to let the familiar uncomfortable on the past and do something to change my life.I realy needed to hear that right now.
Amazing post NML..you deserve an OBE for your work to the broken hearted.
I had lots of ‘wake up’ moments with my AC too, but each one on it’s own didn’t make me physically do anything, it was an accumulation of things but the worst thing of all:
My friend have a brain haemoridge and died suddenly. I went to him for some comfort and I got a feeble “There is an element of not knowing this person, so actually I don’t really care”. From that moment, I realised he didn’t care a hoot about me – he cared about himself – me me me! It made me feel a bit sick, but also gave me the biggest reality slap that I so greatly needed to move the hell on with my life.
Months later and NC he is still the same AC he always was – looking for an ego stroke/sex and general pandering – i am so over it all! He isn’t worth the pain!
Angelina, thank you for helping me articulate what it IS about my whole situation that has been hard to let go of: I cannot BELIEVE I didn’t see or act upon some really big red flags and it’s hard to not blame myself for this.
Susie, I recently realized part of our relationship “equation” was — he cares too much about himself and not enough about me. And I cared too much about him and not enough about me. Let’s see….
That comes out to:
Him: 2 points
Me: 0 points
Isn’t there something wrong with this result? Yes!
Thanks, Natalie for another brilliant post. I don’t know how you do it, but you continually amaze me with your new insights and your ability to describe different aspects of this one main problem. Dating an unemotionally available man while not loving yourself enough totally sucks. I hope you realize how many THOUSANDS of women you have helped!
Also, condolences about your friend….
Dear NML,
right now I’m enjoying my healing time, out of dating, finishing my thesis and doing yoga 3 times a week. I also stopped smoking after 14 years (I’m 28). And your site has been the biggest inspiration all the way through this process, besides my therapist of course 🙂
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and empowering writings with us.
PS: I ran into Mr. Unavailable / Assclown a week ago in a party after 2months not seeing him. He was the same ol’ drunk bastard he always was and tried to arrange a coffee deal but I stepped out of it. I did not feel prepared/ interested and honestly, I’d rather go ridin’ my bike or have an extra yoga class or whatever with myself rather wasting my time with him… So yes, thank you!
I must say I certainly agree with this article & everything I found on this site. My epiphany came with my most recent EUM – it only lasted for 3ish months (and ended ’bout 2 months ago) and left me in a world of hurt & pain – something I was familiar with from my previous 2+ years of being involved with EUM’s.
I remember something a guy friend told me when my last EUM was ending – it was something like, “well it sounds like the guy isn’t really interested in being your boyfriend……but why are you so upset about it?” and that really set something off inside me. I had this freak out moment after it finally did end – where I wrote in my journal “how much I really must hate myself to be pursuing men who do not appreciate me.” Everything finally clicked – this repetitive situation where I felt abandoned, upset, confused by a man I “invested so much/cared so much about but didn’t appreciate me/had issues” & how a lively, independent, educated woman like myself would invest so much of my time, energy and youth into men who weren’t “bad” guys but were not invested in our relationship. After searching the internet for anything self help wise I found this site – read Fallback girl- and it just hit the nail on the head.
Now its been 2 months on my own, but I go out with my friends all the time and everyone I know has seen a difference in my mood. After years of relationships with EUM’s I put it to my one friend like this: It hurt after the relationship(s) end(ed), but at least I don’t have to deal with the daily stress of whether or not he’s going to call/want to see me.
Only after reading this blog do I finally GET IT- that I was unhappy with myself & these non-existent relationships were a reflection of that. I have a couple more months of healing to go but my spirit is already healing. Thank you, epiphany relationship & finding this site!!
NML,
I think that the epiphany moments tend to escalate. We start out thinking the problem is small, easily fixed – but we only address a small part of the underlying issues. Each epiphany moment lays bare another aspect of where what we have learned differs from reality. This naturally builds until we get to the big shakeup, the epiphany relationship, when we realize how much of our life and what we think about relationships is at stake – and how much we have misunderstood. And, finally, we choose a new direction.
For the change itself, we have lost part of our lives, when we choose a new direction. Much of the looking back, the reluctance to move on and embrace our new life, is grief over the loss of the life we had. The quality of what we leave doesn’t matter, only the fact of the loss. Well, that and the uncertainty about how to survive in this strange new world we choose, and the fear that we are making a mistake instead of correcting a bigger mistake. I think there is always grief when you encounter change.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Finding a new truth =-.
I think mine started after I quit meth. It began with me reconnecting with my culture and acknowledging the fact that I was born in to running away from the Khmer Rouge. Believe me, it is a lot easier for us Cambodians to mentally suppress and not talk about that time in our history. Eventually, thinking about relationships got in to the mix. I don’t know why it did, but it did. Back then, I thought of relationships way differently than the way I think of them now. Back then, I did not know how to cook or do my own laundry. So, the point at the time was so she “could do what girlrs do.” I know. It’s retarded, but that’s how it was. Despite not knowing how to do my own laundry or cook, I was still self-ssufficient in other areas. I eventually learned to cook and do my own laundry and even sew buttons which allowed me to be more self-sufficient than I was before which was good, but I was not receptive to having a girlfriend because I did not need one at the time because I had learnd to do certain things and did not se a reason for having one. The response from a frustrated female schoolmate who was attending school with me at the time was, “It’s not about that!” I realize now that it is not about that and the attitude I had went from not needing one to not caring for one. After that, my thinking about relationships began to change. I don’t know when or why my thinking about relationships and my fundamental point of having a girlfriend began to change, but I began to ask questions I have never asked before which evolved to recognizing the diference between a partner who pities versus a partner who grieves. I also began reflectin on the pros and cons of my past relationships including my last one which initially hurted me because of how it ended. It doesn’t seem as painful when I think about it now and her and I are really good friends now and she has tried to help me get in to a new relationship with someone else. I am afraid that the next one could do what she did to me. I’m not sure how to resolve that yet. My ex has tried to help me there too, but I’m still scared. I realize that other women are not my mom and I have no reason for projecting her on to them. None of my exes have reminded me of her and I don’t see her in other women today. At least not right now anyway. Last but not least, I strongly value individualism and culture which today play a major part in how my next relationship could go. I have never read a book on relationships (yours were the first ones) and prefer to express love and relationships in languages other than English. My next relationship could be crazy and put me in uncomfortable positions because I wil be communicating things I have never communicated before and maybe see things I never saw with any of my exes. I don’t have any desire to be in a relationship, but I am not ignorant toward my changing perception.
I heart you Ms. Natalie Lue!
this truly does happen.. i am living proof…. i did the back and forth thing with my ex after we broke up for about 3 months.. the calls, the texts, waiting for the calls, waiting for the texts, the late night bootie calls with no follow-up afterwards…. etc.. but what I remember most is the feeling I had all the while I was doing it.. thinking the next time would be different, thinking that the random calls and texts meant something but they didn’t.. just an ego stroke when i responded.. My epiphany was my last bootie call….no, not while i was in it, but the next few days… I finally decided to love myself and vowed never to feel that low again… i turned and never looked back.. no more responses to texts, no more reaching out, ignore, ignore, ignore.. It took a while start from scratch and work my way towards never looking back, but i did it, and man did it feel good.. i finally felt in control of my own life and slowly got my self-respect back, all the while just ignoring the small and few attempts he’d make to reach out to me.. as with everything, time healed me, more than I never knew as did the the one and only, “no contact”…I had finally done it an and here i am almost 2 years later.. I see him out randomly and have decided to just ignore him.. I see him at the gym, and i pretned that I don’t.. i’m not bitter, i just don’t have anything to say to him and want nothing to do with him… I’ll throw my energy toward my productive things… I think of him as a pathetic loser, a place I’d never thought i’d reach..
stick with it girls…..it will come if you want it to…
I can’t wait to get to where you are! I am 3.5 mos NC, just heard about the new long distance girl he’s involved with and while my head says “of course he’s going after someone long distance and probably blowing hot because he can stay detached” I still feel the pang in my stomach from the feeling of rejection and why her and not me. And what if he’s in love and going to marry HER. Its sad really, its still my issue of needing this ridiculous validation and feeling of rejection, or not good enough. Not good enough to win over a guy that has never treated me the way I wanted and deserved… ever.
Excellent post (again). Thank you, Natalie. You are the best! You are truly my relationship guru… 🙂
Epiphany:
Me – Do you love me?
Him – Yes, of course
Me – Why?
Him – Because you help remind me of who I am.
(errr…I would have been ok with ”because you are hot” or anything else that does not pertain to my complete SERVANT existence in this relationship. I am a person, not a mirror)
.-= Trippy´s last blog ..and on other things… =-.
As alot of other people have mentioned, this has come at exactly the time i needed. Recently i was overseas and on the beach in California, when i vowed to myself that i would never put myself through what i did when i was there. That is, going after a guy who clearly wasn’t putting in any effort. I remember having an epiphany when i realised that the guy i was interested in and i didn’t even hardly talk! It was surprising, i thought, wow, i actually don’t even know this guy at all and vice versa.
I could be here all day talking about it, and other situations where i have realised i want more from someone, but the point is, is that i did realise it and recognise that something needed to change.
My “epiphany” moment came when I said to myself: “If I stay around this guy one more minute, I am going to need anti-depressants!”
I left for good, but I had my “looking back” moments…. kept wondering if I did something wrong……
I tried to leave four times before I actually did leave. Each time he kept begging me to stay. But when I actually did leave, he didn’t even try to stop me. Or call me.
I had an epiphany moment this morning while writing an essay for a writer’s group assignment.
I’ve been slowly letting go (and holding on again) to an unrequited crush on someone who has, with his hot and cold behavior, made it quite clear that he is not interested. Today he hurt my feelings again…nothing new there. As Anne Lamott writes: Expectations are disappointments under construction.
Anyway, I was writing an essay about a boyfriend I had in high school. for an assignment inspired by a song. All of sudden I realized that while I’ve aged 30 years, been married and divorced and had other significant (and insignificant) relationships in the interim, I’m still attracted to the same unavailable guy that I was at 15. This was not the lovely “aha” brand of epiphanies. It was a brutal smack-in-the-face realization.
I wrote about the high-school version here: http://www.jmbrants.blogspot.com.
Thanks for this! This truly speaks to me. I have had MANY epiphany moments in my lifetime. I have just recently had another and made the decision to leave the relationship behind. I am feeling good, in control of my life again and strong. This isn’t to say that I am not feeling the discomfort you talked about, because I am. But I rather feel this way instead of going back to the misery and uncertainty I was plagued with by staying in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man. I wised up! I got out! And yes, I too had a panic attack behind all the stress I was experiencing. Reading your story was like reading my own. The panic attack made me scared and helped me to see that I was ruining my health and my life. He couldn’t handle the attack and stayed away from me for a week or so afterward. Also, he once left me in a hotel room sick to my stomach from alcohol consumption. The only thing I remember him telling me was that he was going to find me some coffee and that he would be right back. He never came back. He did call me the next day to see if I was okay–THANKS!!! Helluva guy that one was!! Cheers.
Great article thank you. I finally had my wake up call when the last deadline for leaving his wife had passed. He was going to leave her after he got his finances in order, then after the market got better, then after he sold his other house, then after his father dies. Well, his father passed away almost 9 months ago and he still hasn’t left his wife. I realize now, after 3 years of a relationship that he has no intention of leaving his wife. But, he pays for everything and I won’t be able to afford my current lifestyle, so I can’t leave the relationship. I do love him and I believe he loves me. But the goal posts keep moving and I just move along with them.
I know it is time for me to end it, but as I said, I would be financially bankrupt and couldn’t afford the living the way I am now living.
I have also been thinking of how I am hurting other people, especially his wife and am struggling with this. Sometimes I don’t care tha his wife is hurting and other times I think this is not who I really am. I certainly wouldn’t want my husband cheating on me so why am I doing this to another woman? It is hard to reconcile.
But, I am living in a lifestyle that I have always wanted. I have a new home, car and more beautiful jewelry than anyone I know. How can I give this all up. But how can I continue being the other woman knowing I am in love with a liar and a cheater. How do I live with myself for giving up my professional ethics and my personal ethics to be with this man. I have forgotten the basis karmic law to treat others as I wish to be treated. But I still continue to be the other woman because he gives me all the things I desire.
He says he loves me, but then we always have to meet in secret. We never go out with his friend nor have I met any of his family yet. If he loves me so much why doesn’t he show me off to the world. He gave a a huge diamond ring and we are supposed to get married, but who knows when that will happen if after 3 years he still hasn’t left his wife.
I know I have to end it especially after this wake-up call. I hope I have the strength to find my own self-respect and just do it.
I know this site is mainly for and about women, but I just want to let you all know that a lot of this stuff rings true for some of us “nice guys.”
I have been married ten years, faithful as an old dog. The first several years were pretty good. The last three years have been pure hell, and I’m just realizing that it’s because my wife has been involved with someone, probably an EUM AC MM. She moved out a year ago but we’ve been intimate the whole time. We’ve talked every day. We shop together, eat together, spend every weekend together and basically live as man and wife except that we sleep in separate apartments 4-5 nights a week.
It seemed strange to me, but I wanted to give her “space.” Now I see why she wanted “space” — so she could carry on whatever fantasy she’s carrying on. She’s using me as her backup plan, I guess, in case this other guy doesn’t come through and leave his wife.
Of course, this could be paranoid speculation, but all the signs are there. She’s dropped truth over the past year but never come out and admitted it completely. It would be so much easier if she did that. I could move on. “OK, you love someone else. Fine. Here are the divorce papers.” As it is, I keep questioning myself because I don’t have proof, and she denies that anything is going on… but I know.
She is definitely in the throes of luminance but tells me that story as a “crush” she has on some guy at her gym whose name she doesn’t even know (right!). I gave her a gift that moved her to tears, and she made some bizarre comment about “You wouldn’t love me if I F-ed another guy.” I was like, “Hmmm… where the hell is this coming from?” I had been expecting her to kiss me and have wonderful sex with me like she would have in the old days. It hurts. Bad. Really bad.
Despite all these epiphanies, I keep trying to repair the marriage, and I feel like a total dumbass. She’s using me for something. What little sex there is is becoming bad; I suppose she’s getting that elsewhere or maybe feels guilty having sex with me, like she’s cheating on AC. How fucked up is that?!? She knows I love her and always will, that I’m devoted, faithful, and available in every way. That’s what she’s getting out of me that she’s not getting out of him, I guess.
Great. So I get to be the doormat. He gets to have all the fun. I know for a fact that their meetings must be short because I see so much of her. I can only imagine the disgusting things she’s doing with him. It also makes me sick to think of them talking about me. What do they say? The guy must think I’m a total schmuck. I’d like to cut his balls off, shove them down his throat and see if he bled to death or choked first.
You know what, though? He’s right: I am a schmuck. I’m just like the other woman in a way. I keep hoping that she’ll see what an idiot she’s being and come running back to me. At the same time, I know she won’t. She’s delusional. It hurts me to think of her being alone, feeling used and played after I leave. But I have to leave. I deserve better than this.
Thanks for letting me vent. Just wanted to let you know that these things hurt men too.
I hope i am not stepping out of bounds here but in The Pathwork of Transformation (Eva Pierrakos) she talks about the “inner” child wanting to get things right, the inner child does not want to make a mistake. Wants thing to go well. In the face of adversity and things not going well or as we like them as adults we can sometimes keep pushing, pushing.
What about you and your valuable, beautiful self Billy? Are you in love with the dream that was? Your wife is NOT treating you well at all, please you are the most important person in your life. I am working on my spiritual life in order to connect myself, and my self only not other people with my HIGHEST self. The best I can be.
Please do not beat yourself up, and seek some support. St. John’s wort if you are depressed is very helpful. Do not waste your precious and beautiful life on someone who is treating you bad and creating violent thoughts. You will have love again, but you must first find the peace and love within yourself and it will come back to you.
Thanks, Judy. Funny that your name is Judy. There is this woman that I’m interested in, and her name is Judy. Of course I’m not going to woo her until I manage to extract myself from my marriage… but it’s interesting, like an omen or something.
Working on becoming the best you is a good thing to do. It’s also hard because I’d like to think the highest me is selfless; not a martyr but at least concerned about others and offering myself in service to them when I can. One of the things that is confusing about all this to me is that I feel sorry for her. She’s ruining her life. She’s like a pathetic addict, and I just know this guy is a total dick. Any guy who would betray his wife like that is a total dick by default. It’s not cool to have violent thoughts, but if I ever met him, it would be very difficult for me to not kick his ass. I hate that I feel like that, but there it is.
So I guess it’s best for me to simply fade away and let her reap what she has sown, sad as it makes me.
thanks for writing, say a prayer. i am not religious but i had this “epiphany” recently, last night actually. i get myself in such a state, you would not want to hear my relationship history – sad, anyway i was getting completely negative about life and self and then suddenly i said “practice gratitude” and reflected on the present moment and how grateful i am for my life and for certain present conditions. it worked.
i feel bad for her too, but how can you lead the blind and unconscious out of the alley without going there yourself and being codependent and otherwise. be an example and through grace she might turn around.
the thing that might not confuse you is to remember your boundaries, what is your limit. you can be that kind and benevolent person but determine a boundary line.
all the best!!!
This is a wonderful comment. Thank you for your wise words – I’m truly touched and I’m sure Billy will be also. I remember experiencing something similar to you – I started to look at what was good instead of what was bad. I started to recognise what i had instead of behaving like I’m being shortchanged by life when if anything, I’d learned to shortchange myself. Hugs x
Billy don’t start something till you are free and clear of her. You cannot fix/heal/help her – I appreciate that you care and you want to protect her from this dipstick but all you’re actually doing is letting take advantage of the fact that you’re The Good Guy. You are her backup plan, security blanket, her option, but you are not someone that she treats with love, care, trust, and respect. More importantly you need to focus on YOU and treat you with love, care, trust,and respect and know your boundaries.
Hugs to you NML, I am so grateful for you and this work you are doing. Thank you.
Just discovered this amazing site today…definitely at ‘just the right time’! I feel like the articles and everyone’s comments are just what I need to get my ‘control’ back. I have been in a relationship with an UM for 13 years. Decided, for the wrong reasons (an AC from my past) at the beginning of the year to go out and find my ‘happy’. I figured out in one day of reading and thinking that I am, indeed, in charge of that and now feel like I can go forward without ties to the UM or the AC either one! Thank You!
Hi ritechick66,
Sounds like you’re doing great already!
When I first found this site, I was about an inch away from crazy.
Landing here helped me see that I wasn’t out of my mind.
I’m better now, but I find this site keeps me strong.
My EUM was my first, and I want to make sure he’s my last!
Good luck and best wishes to you on your journey,
Over It
Thank you ! Lucky you that this was your first, AND LAST-I love that, good for you. Trust me-I had gone an inch OVER crazy…but I feel like a new person, already! I have recommended this site to 2 of my friends with some EMU/AC pasts within the last 24 hours, and I am looking forward to talking with them after they have checked it out.
Best wishes
ritechick66