When we’re out of the relationship, we obsess about what we coulda, woulda, should’ve done. Even when he’s moved on, on another emotional planet, or a complete and utter assclown, we then spend time obsessing, again to stop ourselves from moving on but also because we are looking for reasons to blame ourselves for the relationship ending.
Why? Because if we can find a reason that we can attach to ourselves and say ‘Bingo! It’s me!’ then we can convince ourselves that we have the reason for why things haven’t worked out, and the solution that can ‘fix’ our problems.
The thing is…despite of all this talking and obsessing, nothing really comes of it.
In fact, many of us become the equivalent of a crime scene investigator with a room overflowing with evidence of why the relationship didn’t work and more interestingly, why he’s not the right person for us. Instead of processing our ‘findings’ though, we often acknowledge what each individual piece means and then instead of piecing all of the evidence together, drawing a conclusion and closing our case, we opt to continue obsessing and keep hunting for more evidence.
We don’t want to let go. We don’t want it to end. We don’t want to acknowledge.
The scary thing that that this can often reveal is that even though we have our own issues that need to be acknowledged and dealt with, a large part of the reason why we become trapped in obsessing is that we can’t find a concrete reason that we can latch onto and come up with a ‘fix’.
One woman I speak with has so much evidence and is doing exactly what I have just described and eventually she’s had to acknowledge that a huge part of her frustration and obsession is being caused by the fact that despite months of being in limbo and trying to hunt down clues and amassing a wealth of overriding evidence that shows not only that the relationship was doomed to fail and that he was an assclown, she still has not found a piece of evidence in all of this that she can leap on and claim as hers and fix.
Whatever her own issues are, everything that she has uncovered cannot disguise the fact that she was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man with a penchant for lies and exaggeration, that’s behaved like an assclown, moved on whilst he was still in the relationship, and who got a kick out of taking chips out of her self-esteem.
He was this man in the relationship, before the relationship, and unless he has his own epiphany and changes his ways, is going to be this man in the future.
This is what it is like for every woman who gets involved with a Mr Unavailable or an assclown – you cannot make it your job to save them, or fix, heal, or help them.
You can’t place yourself in the centre of their disconnected universe and decide that you are the source of the problem (it’s something I’ve done that’s making him this way) or that you’re the solution (he just needs the love of a good woman like me and if I can just get him to see that that’s me…).
It’s not all about you – it’s often about them and you’re assuming the reins for things that are beyond your control and that you wouldn’t want to fix, heal, or help if you had healthier ideas about yourself, love, and relationships.
As I’ve said before, if you spend the great majority of your time and brain energy talking and thinking, you are a person of inaction. You’ll be able to recognise that you are when you look back on all of the discussions, explaining, defining the relationship talks, arguments, pleadings, thinking, thinking, and more thinking and realise that nothing has really changed. You’ve become someone who not only talks and thinks a good game, but is in danger of mirroring some of the very behaviour from the men in your relationships. We can’t lament their lack of inaction if we’re not prepared to unmask and let go of our own inaction.
We use talking and thinking too much to mask our true inaction because if we put ourselves in the position of actually doing something we would have to deal with confronting uncomfortable things about ourselves and/or be in the driving seat of our own lives rather than place the responsibility on someone else.
What we don’t realise is that even if we do place the responsibility for our happiness (or misery) on someone else, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re still responsible for us.
Quite frankly, you can think all you want to think about him but it’s not going to change anything and the scary thing is that one day you wake up and realise that life for you, has come to a standstill whilst you’ve wallowed in your pain, overthinking, and indecision, and he’s off living his life.
If you profess that you want to be personally happy and to be in a positive relationship with someone, you have to realise that you must process your relationship – that’s acknowledge the good, the bad, and the ugly, grieve it, let go and move on.
How much evidence are you sitting on? How about weighing it up, processing it, and drawing a conclusion so that you can give yourself closure? How about putting yourself in the position of having to either do something, or stop talking and thinking?
Your thoughts?
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NML You Rock! I was dumped…by the disappearing act. Awful…I think it is absolutely the worst way anyone should be treated in ANY relationship. It was over three months ago. Without long details…this guy was so into me…I remained calm and cool about it but in my head I really though THIS was the man that was going to ‘be the one and my life would never be the same” BOY WAS I CORRECT – my life will never be the same but not in the way I originally thought. He completely ignored my texts, calls for a week until it dawned on me…since then I got week and texted twice…no response. I am at the point that I do not look at the phone, do not expect a call or text – and not crying every day. The dark cloud does not follow me as heavy as it did before…but it is still there. The secret here – and with help from reading every post in this blog to help heal…is to focus on nurturing yourself, and if you do decide to focus on what happened…focus on HIS weakness or HIS inability to commit or HIS shortcomings and trying to find a balance and not becoming a skeptical, hard woman…but at the same time…not being a door mat. Now that the cloud is starting to lift a bit…I can see how I have made these patterns over my life…hide away for awhile…then subconsiously start another pattern with the same guy in a different body. Obsessing about it is not going to help with the situation at hand…and to help with issues. There is too many great things in life to grab hold of…instead of slipping into this misery. Easier said than done at some moments…but eventually it gets better.
Exactly. All the thinking and talking in the world wont make you get off your butt and actually DO something.
I’ve found myself in this exact rut. I talk a good game, but hey! I’m still with this guy (after almost 3 years). There is no benefit for me to stay with him, I just stay.
All the evidence is in: this AC is my priority; for him, I’m an option. I know the deal – I know this is killing me and I don’t take action. So, off to the therapist I go! Sometimes we all need help.
Kimba,
Were there any red flags in the relationship?
annied…I stayed with a guy for years…YEARS (not my recent assclown) He was a good guy…severe AC at the beginning but changed enough to have a decent relationship..believe it or not. THEN it was me…ME the AC that I am just starting to realize. Engaged but not married – for years. I liked the comfort of the relationship. Like the security. Liked the life. Looking back I realize I was focusing on making HIS life better…his everything. Almost as if I was waiting for something BIG to happen to get me off my ass…I wanted him to screw up AGAIN…something BIG to give me an excuse to want to walk. Please realize this “that something big” is YOU. Don’t let it come to his behavior making you walk out for good…or god forbid…a life altering situation (death of a family member, illness…etc.) Do not be afraid of being alone…trust me…you will not be. Start preparing yourself now to get out…get yourself back…and becomet that warm confident happy person that you buried under this relationship….Everyone should ask the question of their AC: Why are you with me? really. If the response is “Because I love you” You ask “why do you love me?” and know the true answers to those questions if your ‘partner’ asks the same…reality will hit.
this article is very true! I was with a guy for one year and for most of the relationship all we did was, argue, obsessing, overtalking, me explaining, me pleading, me degrading myself, which in turn gave him the opportunity to then take advantage of me emotionally.
Me being thick in the brain thought that I could maybe fix things, since OBVIOUSLY its ALL MY FAULT! I’m the one who’s being needy and insecure, and he’s telling me that there’s no need to be that way, but I AM the one who’s causing all the arguments… Blah Blah Blah….
Long story short.. we broke up about a month ago, didn’t speak, I was getting word back from different sources that he was with a “friend” whom he claimed was “like a sister”. So once again, i went into overdrive, overthinking, talking, explaining why I was a better woman and that I loved him sooooo much… Did it make a difference? NO! Now looking back, i thought it did. But it didnt., he actually made me feel worse. He eventually admitted to me last week that he was with her but he didnt really care for her. He was only with her to get over me. Whatever… I didnt even need him to tell me that much, I already knew. And instead of me just looking at the situation logically i went into overdrive trying to piece every little bit of the relationship until i finally realized……
Its not me.. Its about him. He has had a history of being very disrespectful to women, down to his own mother. He did it to me and he’ll do it to the next until HE realizes that he needs to look within. I obsessed that i needed his validation to continue on in life. But when i got the validation of what i wanted to know, i still felt like Hot trash in the summer sun.. STANK! Why am i obsessing over why it ended or why he left me and two weeks later he’s with someone else on myspace claiming he’s now with the love of his life? He’s not proving anything but that he’s emotionally weak and insecure. He’s looking to validate the creep he is with someone who openly accepts him.
So as i tell my own children, you can only look out for yourself. Now I’m looking out for myself and my own well-being. I saw myself in him. And I didnt like what I saw, but i was scared to change it so I continued to accept it until he left and i had no choice but to realize it. So I’m kinda happy he did leave. Yes, i still analyze things about the relationship, but in a different way. I see the things that weren’t really right with the relationship from the start especially when I knew that i wasnt having a healthy view of myself or love in the first place. And i hope i can learn from the mistakes I’ve made and not make them again…
I dont plan on dating anytime soon tho until i get myself right first! LOL!!!
NML writes
“You’ve become someone who not only talks and thinks a good game, but is in danger of mirroring some of the very behaviour from the men in your relationships. We can’t lament their lack of inaction if we’re not prepared to unmask and let go of our own inaction.”
Wow, is this relevant. There is a book with a great title called Action; nothing happens until something moves. I knew I was becoming lazy in my head and life, dealing with the EUM I was involved with, but I never really realized I was acting just like him till I read this post.
The thing that drove me craziest about him was his unwillingness to take action to change or improve his life that he was not so happy with. Reading this post was another aha, and aha’s are pretty helpful to me in my processing.
This post wisely recognizes the conflict…the assclown makes the silly, sad behavior we hate so obvious – laziness, indecisiveness and inaction, and then we become that very same way dealing with them. I found that indecisive behavior can end up pretty addicting.
This is why No Contact feels so right and is so hard at the same time; it is hard work to change but we do know what’s best for us. It is easier to sit and obsess and fantasize and blame someone who is not very nice, than it is to get up and get going , take real action, leave them behind and get on with my own work. And by work I mean it all…both my physical and emotional work.
What an epiphany that we end up with very same problem within us..we are acting in much the same way that we hate about them. lazy and indecisive about not getting to work doing the things that will improve our life. All talk and no action.
In this case the sad fact is the hard work most often is to let go of a person who wants to keep us in their life, who may have even asked us for help, but cannot be helped or give us even a small amount of what is needed in a mature reciprocal relationship.
Somehow this dynamic seems to transmit their very energy of inaction to us. Takes a lot of strength to say enough, and even more strength to take action and get your life back on track.
For me, the change is not instantaneous. I feel I am in a transition phase, moving from a state of confused inaction to getting my groove back. Any and all signs of progress are good.
Great call, great post. Thank you.
Aphrogirl: what you said ” let go of a person who wants to keep us in their life, who may have even asked us for help, but cannot be helped or give us even a small amount of what is needed in a mature reciprocal relationship” describes where I’ve been for a long time. I’ve almost been brainwashed into believing that he needs me just to have some kind of life that’s worthwhile.
Kimba: I did what you said, I asked my AC “why are you with me?” I didnt even get an ‘I love you’. I got, “because I like you a lot, you are nice and take care of me.” CRAP! After that I asked him if he thought I was his Love or his freakin Nurse. No response.
He laid it all out in front of me. Do I want to give my love (and plenty of it) to a guy who says that? After 2+ years? No way, but I’m still hanging on. Sound familiar?
Annied,
Why are you hanging around? You know this is a no-win situation, why prolong the inevitable? Be proactive!!!!
Gaynor: That is the very reason I’m having to get myself into therapy. I can’t do it. I’ve tried over and over again. I’m not ashamed to ask for help. I know I’m in dire need.
I was just looking back over one of the IM’s between the AC and me right before we got back together this last time. When I blasted him about dumping me, he said: “I have never done it actually wanting to lose you tho in my defense” and even: “I think you should just keep lovin on me no matter what I say” …
How does a person even wrap their mind around something like that? I’m so confused. I need help to get outta this.
With due respect I think it’s important to remember that we all proceed and move on in different ways and at different paces. We may well know things logically, but it does take more time for our emotions to catch up some of the time.
It’s about conditioning and that takes time for most of us. Noone here should feel hurried (or even ashamed, come to that) that we are not leaving at the minute we *know* someone is not ‘right’ for us.
Just my towpenneth, hope noone minds.
Lina’s last blog post..Obsessing & Overthinking – Processing the Evidence of your Relationship So You Can Move On
Gaynor: Can I assume, based on your past comments to me and others, that you have moved past your ACs, past your own issues, and no longer obsess and overthink?
Can I also assume that you are in a healthy and reciprocal relationship?
Because, if that is truly the case, then please, provide the rest of us with the roadmap that you created to get past the broken heart so that in the future, we won’t backtrack.
Lina wrote that everyone of us will have a different and unique path to getting better, but since some of us have never been down this path of the AC before, it will take longer to heal, as there was no prior experience on which to grow. And for me, sarcasm does not help.
It might help others, but it only wounds me more. Sarcasm is great in the right context, but in the case of my AC, it was one of his very sharp tools of the “stay away from my heart” type.
Annied, I think it is very brave of you to start therapy. Although it will most likely be a difficult journey at times, in the end it´s a gift to yourself.
I have been in therapy for a year for different issues and still got involved with an EUM. So at first I thought how did this happen? Didn´t therapy make me a stronger person with more selfrespect? But it did. I got out after 2 months, before it devastated me. That´s progress. And at one point I will get out after one date. It is a process and guilt is not what we need on a journey to more selflove.
You asked if there were red flags…at the beginning…absolutely not. He always seemed a little shy or apprehensive with me…as if he did not want to take a chance and get rejected. The only red flag was…and it is a biggy…was towards the end we were discussing taking a vacation together and he got a business call he had to take…did not hear back from him for three days. On the vacation he actually opened up the ‘relationship can of worms’ after a few drinks – he brought up the fact he did not call me for three days and apologized. Looking back after reading all these posts…I realize that he was 3 years out of a divorce – and not quite over it…college sweetheart, cleaned him out financially (but he is still doing ok) then he changed jobs…he has the opportunity to meet lots of women with his work…travels alot with his job. I honestly think he, like many men, can compartmentalize relationships – especially if they travel. I honestly don’t know if I was ‘played’ the entire time or if he just shut down. I have no idea who I got to know – never would I ever believe he would kick me to the curb without a word.
Alexandria ~~ AMEN!
Your 4th paragraph explains it all, and it’s exactly where I was about 7 months ago. We keep thinking it’s us, that if we morph them, treat them right, plead with them to hear us out that something will change. It only makes things worse, because we are taking on our shortcomings along with the EUM and sweeping our issues under a rug and only focusing on them. It’s wrong, and now you know it and seem like you’re on the right track.
I suffered like you, but now feel so much better and even now when I think about him or the situation I see things from another perspective, a higher perspective of how bad he was for me in the first place. I just refused to see it.
Stay strong and keep up the good work on and about yourself.
What I realised that these EUMs never change…never…
I know that as I am EU myself, that’s why I always stuck with EUMs, because they attract me and my life with them so “exciting”…I met so many nice guys, who wanted to be with me, but I deliberately avoid them…NOW I know why…
NML spot on again, we need to take a responsibility for ourselves…
oh yeah.. the excitement. Or the drama which is perhaps a better word for it. Very addictive. Or familiar. I don´t know. I just know that from now on I want excitement in every part of my life except in my relationship. That should be a safe haven to come home to after my exciting day. Or someone to enter the exciting world with together, as a team. We were looking for excitement in the wrong places.
Spot on NML.
elizabeth: Gaynor is not being sarcasstic at all and I understand why you feel this way. I/she was in the same boat like all the other readers at one time and we are just further along at this point, that this all, really.
If we wouldn’t care, we would not post here.
No, that does not mean we are in a wonderful relationship and have a road map, now you are being sarcasstic and that is O.K. 🙂
Just because I know that if I put my hand on the stove it will burn, does not mean I am trying to find a way to touch that stove again and not get burned.
I am not posting that much anymore, still read here,love this website, because I know that some of my comments in the past readers took the wrong way, I know that people heal at their own pace, but I got some tough love here and with my friends and family as well.
When NML advised me over a year ago with my situation, yeah, it hurt, but I knew she was right.
Tough love is important and at this stage in your life, believe me you will look back one day and appreciate it!
I feel the most important thing to do is: No Contact, stop thinking and talking, like NML said OR do something.
That is what I did, first I stopped contacting him, removed myself and then took the next steps, one at a time.
annied: I hope you understand that a Theraphist will not be weaning you of this guy, right? She/He will tell you that your FIRST step will be:
CUT CONTACT WITH HIM. Don’t expect that a Therapist will get you unhooked from him, YOU have to do that. They will guide you, but if you don’t cut contact once you start Therapy, you will waste your money and time.
Try to find a good Therapist, somebody that understands Personalty Disorders and be open to work with the Therapist and make sure you understand that these sessions are about YOU, not HIM!
I have read a lot of your posts and truly wish for you that you can get away from this “thing”
Lina, I agree with you, nobody should be hurried or ashamed and as long as the first step in the “recovery” is: NO CONTACT.
I am speaking from experience, if you don’t remove yourself from the situation a 100%, you can’t move on or even heal, it is not possible.
Have you seen the commercials from Weight Watchers lately?
This “orange fluffy” temptation? I love it, he throws the donuts, backs up the truck full of candy, anything he can do to sabotage your diet.
That is how I feel about these men, throwing crumbs.
truthhurts: no, Therapy does not make you a stronger person, but more aware about yourself, it will not “protect” you from another AC,
of course not, but you realized he was another AC and got out, right?
That is all that matters.
So, for every new reader here, cut contact first and come here and vent.
Wow. Well said. I tend to do this… and its so nice to know that others do it too.
Processing, grieving and letting go.
Thanks for the reminder.
T’s last blog post..An insight on love
Annied,
I sounds like a positive move to get into therapy to discover why you are unable to move on from this man.
I’m wishing you all the best!!!!!
Hello,
Just wanted to say that I’m glad my comment was taken so well. The last thing I want/wanted was to cause some kind of furore, as I love this site and those who frequent it. There’s so much wisdom here, it’s been said before, but I do think it’s worth reiterating!
NML has written about this I believe, in her page about site rules or the like. With respect, I do feel sometimes that a little gentleness will go a long way as many of us here are a little raw still (or a lot) from past hurts or we may be struggling as we write. I am not out of the woods yet mysef. I think that given what this site is about we need to continue being loving and caring towards one another. We are emotionally in different places after all, and not all of us respond well to what is called ‘tough love’.
So big thanks to those of you who constantly share and in doing so, lets us all grow and move past the hurt towards healing 🙂
Elizabeth,
Thank God, I have moved passed this fool 🙂 I believe it has been about seven months since I split with him, why would I waste another ounce of energy obsessing over him?
This man was my first AC relationship as well as my first love (sad huh). This was the most hurtful situation I have ever dealt with, not only was my self-esteem shattered, my heart broken but I also lost an incredible amount of weight (unhealthy loss). So yes, I suffered as all the others have suffered on here but I have learned from this site and others that I had to move on with my life and continue to grow and learn from my past mistakes, if I don’t learn I will be right back where I started.
My comments are not meant to be sarcastic. Yes, I can be tough at times but it was that method that brought me back to reality and helped me see the light.
I still have to say that if someone is still obsessing after a year it is not healthy. This is way too long.
Kimba,
I’m sorry for his horrible treatment.
Is there any involvement with the ex?
Hi all,
….the other day, I was in a strange ‘how can I move this on kinda mood’ I decided to use some of that cognitive therapy and out myself in a positive state to try to ‘feel’ what content and happy felt like, to capture the moment. I decided I was a princess and would treat myself on every level like a princess all day. I decided if I could create stupid fantasies in my head about yes you got it the prince on the white horse.. .then I would invent one that would make me feel good (yes, my profession is actress, I work in the imaginary world:).
Anyhoo… I looked around my beautiful kingdom :), my spring flowers in the garden,thought of my mum and dad (king and queen), all the stuff, you know. Anyway then I felt something niggling. My princess self all of a sudden thought of that story ‘the princess and the pea’.
I have never in my life thought of this fairytale before, but I have for years studied the psychology of fairytales, good bedtime reading.
I googled and found this delightful bedtime story.
I had found my fix!!.. and honestly I have felt so much better since reading it. I will remember this story and go back to again when I need a reminder.
Enjoy!! http://mezmer.blogspot.com/2006/10/princess-and-pea.html
Astelle, I know you meant your feedback in the best possible way and that, since you’ve read my posts, you are correct in labeling my EUM as a “thing”. I must say, however, that I work with this guy, so while NC works for a little while, he always finds ways to ‘get’ to me and he does it very well. I can’t do NC first and then see a therapist – I fail at NC – that is part of the reason I am going to see someone.
My choosing to get back into therapy is a huge step for me. It tells me that I’ve done all I can do on my own, I see that I need help untangling myself from this relationship and I’m taking action to change things – for me. This isnt couples therapy. It’s about me and how I deal with men. There are deeper issues here that only therapy can touch. This I know.
truthhurts, thank you. This is a gift to myself. 🙂
Hi everyone, PLEASE HELP! I’ve gotten into a relationship with someone who is closer to my age (20 and he’s 22) and I’m struggling because approximately 6 months ago I broke up with an EUM and I feel like after reading all these posts, it took a lot of work to get myself to a place where I began feeling comfortable being alone and working on ME as a priority. We had an on again off again relationship and had spent anywhere between 2 weeks to 4 months out of the relationship during our break up periods.
Well needless to say, there were plenty a men that I’d met in that period of being alone. I met this new person that I feel great around. He seriously adores the hell out of me, but from the get-go I felt that his feelings for me were developing at an odd pace and we were in a relationship, according to him, by the 1 month period and that just plain bothered me. I felt like he always wanted to see me, always wanted to speak to me on the phone for really long periods of time and I mean come on buddy, give me a break. I’ve known you for a month.
Anyway, he does still live with his mother and whenever I talk about his grandmother he’s ridiculously protective, to the point where he once told me to watch my mouth. WHAT?!
6 months, even with on and off again I felt was too little time to work on myself and process my breakup and being rushed into this (my responsibility) had forced me to pull away and I simply couldn’t go on like this with him, so I decided to break it off and he began to beg and plead for me to stay. I opted out, and then the night after realized that I wanted to speak to him on the phone. Whoa!
We got back together but now I just feel stupid. I’m just worried that I’m getting into a relationship with someone and replaying my past because I hadn’t had enough time to really work through my issues. I’m worried that he’s acting like the “me” from my past relationship–the passive unavailable person whereas now I’m officially the active unavailable. I feel like this might be a scenario where he’s afraid of being alone or whatever, and i’ve attracted him as a reflection of my continuous transition through the phases.
It’s strange through, because I can sincerely talk through problems with this guy (he talks to me!), he listens and acts on it when we have to work something out, he doesn’t mind my hairy legs and armpits, he enjoys watching tv with him, he likes talking to me on the phone about all sorts of stuff from politics to tv shows (although sometimes I will admit I hog the convo..), he enjoys making me laugh, he likes how affectionate I am and always does what I ask him to do when it comes to showing affection, he loves my curves as much as I do, loves kissing me…
What do you think? Did I really attract someone emotionally available? Am I available without even realizing it?
And throughout the on and off relationship I was with my ex for approximately 1 year and 2 months or so (taking out the long breakup periods), and we knew one another long before we got together, but knew each other personally for about 6 months prior and before that we just floated around impersonally through mutual friends.
Gaynor you say you don’t mean to be sarcastic but the fact is that you are. Astelle its not your place to say Gaynor is not being sarcastic because it’s how the person felt on the other end. Gaynor you need to stop assuming that you know everyone personally and that everyone knows you and that you’re some sort of authority. You never introduce yourself, you rarely contribute your own personal experience to comments and instead pounce on readers with snippy, sarcastic questions and demands. Be a little bit humble and stop treating the comments box like your personal hunting ground and contribute to the discussion because your hostility and knowitall attitude is disruptive to the comments and I personally find you very intimidating which is why I don’t normally comment. And now thats my two cents worth!
Michelle,
I’m not going to change how I reply to other readers. I am not an authority by a long shot but if you see that someone is continually talking about repetition of bad behavior and not understanding why they are being hurt time and time again, I will comment. I’m sorry, I thought this was a site where we could express ourselves, I have never intended to offend or hurt anyone’s feelings, if I have I apologize.
I have shared my story in the beginning. At this point in the recovery I do not feel that it is necessary to keep reliving the relationship over and over again. What’s the purpose? Actually, NML posted my letter some time back on men who won’t move on from the ex.
In regards to your comment. I find it very strong and offensive! If Astelle wishes to share her thoughts she is fully entitled, no one has put you in authority.
Oh Gaynor this is exactly what I expected. I’m not an authority. The difference between you and Astelle is that she is humble and she recognises that whilst she has her own experience and brand of tough love, she has no right to impose it and recognises that people aren’t always going to want to hear what she has to say. She backs off – you just keep going. It actually is not my intention to be offensive but like you it is my right to express myself and you shouldn’t feel that you can censor people just because it doesn’t suit you. This is not the Gaynor show and have some compassion for people because if you can’t see what is wrong with the tone of some of your comments, something is very wrong. Elizabeth was 100% right to call you sarcastic.
Michelle, Gaynor, while I do believe it’s nice that you two are putting your differences out in the open, I am itching for advice and would appreciate some from both of you! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Why don’t we all get along and distract yourselves with my issues instead?
I have to say I wholeheartedly agree with Michelle. I have personally also been put off by posting because of your online attitude, Gaynor. And I hate to see this happening to others as well.
I think a bit of consideration for others is in place here and it’s a real shame to have to bring this up in the first place. But I just can’t keep schtum anymore.
I will probably mail admin about this too as I think it’s becoming a real problem.
somethingsomething, It sounds like you are being a bit of EU with this guy you are seeing now (shame on you 😉 )
You don´t seem to know what you want from this guy, you enjoy what he is giving you but don´t really commit in return. In short: he puts a lot more in than you do.
It certainly doesn´t sound like you are available “but just not aware of it”. My two cents are these: Become Aware. Figure out what you want, why you stay with someone you have doubts about, why can´t you cut it off for now and figure yourself out like you intented to do in the first place. What are you afraid of?
Good luck! I think you´re a good person for questioning your behaviour and don´t just lay back and enjoy the benefits.
Oh wait, I think I have misread your post. I thought this available guy was a new person you met. Or is he your ex who used to be EUM and now he went available?
All: It was my understanding that this is a blog where one can share the pain of their heartbreak and their story; likewise others can share their’s as well.
It is extremely difficult to interpret words, especially as they post out of queue, but suffice it to say, that while I am looking for advice and assistance, I am not looking to get beat up, nor is anyone else, I assume, for that matter.
The pain, embarrassment, and shame that I have gone through over my particular AC, is enough to last me a lifetime. I do not want to ever repeat it. Those 2 1/2 years were punishment enough. I merely want others to share what has helped them get through. I do not want a scolding. I get that from my mum.
I was not being sarcastic when I commented that I would like the roadmap that others have found beneficial. I made the assumption that if someone can make a strong statement that he/she has moved on and recovered from their involvement with an AC in a short amount of time – – then I would like to know what “it” was that led to that quick of a recovery.
For the record, the counting of the days of the NC is what keeps me going. It is something tangible that I can grasp. Something measurable. I want to know the exact day and time that it is all out of my system for good.
To the person who can pick up and move on to another relationship within one month – – I say, “yeah!” Tell me, please, how you got that done. (No sarcasm – I am sincere.) To the person who did it in three, six, and twelve months. Please, share.
I dumped photos, I deleted phone numbers, I go to the spa, I exercise, I share my life with a supportive group of friends, and I live my days. My heart is lighter than it was a year ago, but it is not healed. I cannot deny that he was a part of my life; I cannot simply pretend that he didn’t exist. To do so would be to deny a part of my history and who I am.
If you knew me and my history, you would know that I am not one to wallow in self pity. Every moment of every day, we make choices. Each choice leads to another choice and another and another. I chose wrong for 2 and 1/2 years, and I really think that it will take me that long to figure out what signs I missed, so that I don’t do it again.
Remember, mine is not a history of short and dramatic relationships. Mine is a history of two – very involved and long term relationships. I am a slow learner, but a wallower, I am not.
something,
I would say that any feeling of uncomfortableness should be payed attention to– especially this early on in the relationship. One thing doesnt negate another. My xEUM was a great father, was a hard worker, was sweet at times etc…etc… however, this doesnt mean that he was “good/healthy” relationship material. I’m not saying dont give this guy a shot (if you feel you need to still get to know him) but I wouldnt ignore your feelings either. Something is telling you that something isnt right and it raising a red flag for you. I’m not sure that he is “emotionally unavailable” as much as it seems that he may have some other issues or traits that you may not be so fond of, either way… dont revert back into “settling” or accepting someone because you want to be in a relationship or find yourself twisting things in order to make it work. If its this early on and you aren’t feeling it— I would save myself any further distress and bail out. I would just becareful that this guy isnt blowing “HOT” right now as part of the chase and later will blow cold. I would keep my eyes open definetely and try not to get yourself too attached if you do plan on giving it a little more time to really see how you feel. Also– I believe that NML has posted something about if you are spending more time thinking and talking about the relationship rather than actually being in it… something is wrong. If i find the link I will post it… i think maybe that will help as well.
Michelle:
Ive been posting for approx 4months now and I can say that Gaynor does come from a good place with good intentions. Tough love is needed at times like he says especially when you see others continuing the same pattern and or stuck in a specific place. This site is about empowerment and getting ourselves out of these types of relationships and sometimes (especially in the beginning) the way people come across can be construed in a mean and or sarcastic tone but I think it may only be because we dont understand that some level of tough love is indeed needed to snap out of our habitual ways of thinking sometimes. Im really not sure what part of what Gaynor said was sarcastic when all he said was: Why are you hanging around? You know this is a no-win situation, why prolong the inevitable? Be proactive!!!!
Not sure what part of that is NOT helpful or was sarcastic. He is merely mentioning to Annied what she intrinsically already knows…but seems to be having a hard time putting some “ACTION” behind it. Im with Astelle and Gaynor on this. It is not always helpful to continue to “sugar coat” things for others…. NML has it in her commenting guidelines: Be careful of judgement but likewise do not place a comment when you are unprepared to hear an opposing opinion. You have to be prepared sometimes to hear the blatantly honest truth– even if it stings a little sometimes. There was even a guy named Mike who posted a little while back and at first he came across really arrogant– and then we all realized that he was just a guy giving us a “guy’s” point of view and it was honest, truthful and straightforward. Needless to say we got through the delivery and understood what his message was really all about and payed attention to that because it was very beneficial to hearing it even if it was very blunt and straightforward.
I know I needed a little tough love when I was first posting and without it i dont think my brain would have jolted out of the mindset that it was in and I would probably still be obsessing and wanting my xEUM. I know a lot of others want a “road map” out of these situations or how to get through it faster and unfortunately a little tough love is a must if you truly want to get to the other side! Most of us who are further along this road have mentioned that this is part of it….. so when asked what is the “road map” this is it…. dont think you can skip a few lights or streets if you intend on getting to where you say you want to go??
Either way– everyone is entitled to their own opinion and just wanted to share mine in hopes that you may see it from a different angle and that we are all coming from a place of compassion and understanding. 🙂
If you don´t like what anyone writes, just ignore it. You can maintain No Contact on the internet as well as in your relationships.
Elisabeth, I too have trouble letting go. The confusion, the imagined future I thought I had with this guy, the bitterness. What kind of helped was this post https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-dont-have-to-ever-stop-loving-your-man/
It´s about not having to delete the man from memory but accepting residual feelings and just let those feelings be.
Elizabeth,
I’m sorry if I misinterpreted your counting of days, I think if it helps you move on, all the better.
It took me quite a while to move on from this relationship, my wonderful friends and the site helped me recognize that it was an unhealthy relationship.
For all of us, these types of relationships have been very difficult and painful to understand. I think as I look back at my own EU behavior and recognize my patterns it has has become easier to move beyond the ex, because I now know that I deserve much better in a a relationship and want to move forward. I also would like to add that there was positive to this relationship, that being that I now know that I am truly ready to have a healthy and loving relationship with a man.
I was able to move on from this man because I was finally able to see what type of individual he is and that he is incapable of offering a normal relationship to me now or in the future. I think when we recognize our worth and know that we deserve better in a relationship is when we are truly able to move forward. We need to love ourselves.
I’m sorry for the pain this man inflicted, I hope you’re able to get to a better place quickly.
somethingsomethingsomething:
I’m confused. In your writing, it sounds as if you really weren’t ever alone. It sounds as if you were involved with men during that time. Am I missing something?
Anyway, if you go through any of the past posts, I have found two contributors to the blog to be very helpful in the clarification of healthy community and healthy spirit: Brad K and aphrogirl. Both are very insightful without being judgmental or condescending.
Their comments describe actions that “one” can take towards the path of self-discovery.
Elizabeth:
It takes different amounts of time for different people. Part of that is experiencing the pain that comes along with it. When I first broke up with my xEUM i wanted a pill or something to take that pain away ASAP! It was interfering with work, I lost so much weight, I cried every night and I was constantly talking to my friends about it in hopes that someone had the answer!!! The reality is that the more we try to get away from these uncomfortable feelings– the longer it takes. Unfortunately there is no way to get over it but to go “through it”. I think everything you are doing or have done is great…. you are on the right path. NC is extremely important #1 now its just a matter of grieving and allowing this person out of your heart completely. Another part of that is really grasping the information that is on this site to help you to understand why you were attracted to this person in the first place and or why you stayed in it soo long. I visited this site (and still do) every single day because like any addiction, it is something that you have to work on “every” day. Then as time passed…and I learned and I finally grasped what me wanting to be with someone who treated me this way was all about I suddenly began to realize that i really didnt want him……… i really wanted the validation of him loving me……..because I was basing my self worth on whether or not this person appreciated and or really wanted me while all the while his actions were enough to indicate that this was not so and all the while not realizing that what I really needed to do was to love MYSELF a little more. A hard pill to swallow ofcourse, but only because I kept thinking that he was worth it or that he had the capacity to appreciate and or love ..when in actuality these men tend not to. That is the key! You have to understand that this is not about you or what you did or what you didnt do or whether or not you were attractive enough or smart enough etc,,,etc,,,, this has to do with them…and nothing that you could have said or done will change that. He will be the same person with the next one because unless he is seriously reflecting on himself, asking himself if he even had anything to do with making you feel the way you felt, chances are… he will never change!!!
It took me 4 hard months to get to where i am and most people here can tell you that I have come a long way from when I first posted in such a short amount of time. But again– i was willing to feel all those uncomfortable feelings, I was willing to get a little tough love, I was willing to admitt that there was something really off in my dating/relationship radar and most importantly– I was willing to absorb all the info on this site to the point that I think i read every post in like one week– and then i would just continue reading them over and over again until one day it just finally sunk in on what the real issue was and I realized that I wasnt seeing this guy for who he really was. I was still giving him too much credit out of fear of having to really realize the truth. Because what would the truth mean? The truth would mean that I had poor relationship habits, I judged incorrectly, I didnt listen to red flags, I had no boundries, I had poor self esteem, I was willing to accept crumbs for the sake of just having something feeding my empty love engine and all of this…. had to do with ME making a change…not him! He did not MAKE me stay in the relationship but because I had poor relationship habits I ALLOWED myself to stay and ALLOWED him to behave the way he did and gave away too much of my own power. The focus Has to be taken off of these men…….and redirected to us if we every really want to see any changes take place. Some of us are not ready to do that because we still think the answer lies in “if they changed” or if only they realized how loveable I am, or if I can only get him to tell me that he is sorry, or if only he could get that I am great and loveable and that this is his loss. You will know you have reached the next step when you no longer see the value in this man and you will only know what I mean when you get there. In the meantime, keep doing what you are doing. No Contact what so ever! Keep going to the spa and to the gym…etc..etc… but most importantly make a commitment to really understand the underlying issue that got you here in the first place. Whatever that means. Going to therapy, visiting this site, buying books, writing in a journal, crying a little etc…etc… and even if you fall, get back up again because the goal here isnt WHAT time and date was it that you got over this hurtful relationship but that you were smart enough to get yourself out, do a little work and learn something that will be extremely valuable to you for the rest of your life! Keep up the good work… you are strong and just have a little patience with yourself… you will get there!! 😉
Gaynor
Keep commenting like you always do. Your perspective is right on accurate and at some point these ladies will be able to appreciate that.
Hello ladies. I felt it best to come out of my hibernation to deal with this before it gets out of hand. I have really tried to be fair and liberal but my mistake in that is that this situation has festered because despite trying to address the issue with the commenting policy, we still arrive at this juncture today. It’s not just today’s comments; there have been comments before and a number of emails and I feel that it is now best to be very direct.
Gaynor, I appreciate what you are trying to do and do not for one moment feel you have any ill intentions but you must be more conscientious of your tone and the fact that some people just want to express how they feel. Astelle has heard this from me before and also Brad K 🙂
Every single person has their own experience or is at a different stage. People come from different places and angles and whether it’s you or anyone else, I don’t want anyone to miss out on the opportunity to empower themselves because they feel they may be judged or for want of a better phrase, ganged upon. Likewise I don’t want you to feel ganged upon either.
If anybody comments they must take responsibility for what is written. As has already been pointed out, the written word can be picked up in different ways and if anyone, not just Gaynor responds directly to another commenter, it is your responsibility to ensure that your comments do not cross the line. Michelle, your message was clear but naturally because you haven’t commented before, you come across hostile to Gaynor. I know this stems from frustration but you’ve locked horns for much of the same reasons although you have brought the issue fully out in the open now.
I must stress – this is a blog, not a forum. The comments box is to allow people to share their thoughts on the subject of the post in question (and this will often be thoughts that pertain to their own situation) and treating it like a forum actually derails the discussion of the topic at hand and can cause readers to feel intimidated that they can’t share their thoughts because things have been taken off on a different strand.
When I stated that people should not be afraid to hear an opposing opinion, it doesn’t give people free rein to just wade in and say what they like because tone, compassion, and respect are needed. The issue here is not actually about an opposing opinion – the issue here is that some people feel that they are not able to comment and express themselves without being jumped on and some people feel that they are being helpful but it is misconstrued or not appreciated. The former are coming here to empower themselves with the posts and they comment because the post resonates with them enough to get them to put aside their fears and sometimes even shame about what has happened and comment. The latter feel they have moved further down the road and want to share their experiences and help. This is fine, great even but sometimes we have to recognise that not everyone wants that help. As I have said to Astelle and Brad K, because this is my site, when I ask questions or say certain things, people don’t bat an eyelid over it and because they have a perceived relationship and rapport with me, or place value in my opinion, they are able to take on board what I say. Sometimes it’s good to let people ask for your help rather than assume it is needed, or if you give it, recognise when you need to back off.
And that’s what this comes down to. No matter how ‘familiar’ you think you all are, you are strangers online who with the flick of ill chosen word(s) can completely alter the tone of what you have said. Don’t make assumptions about people and live and let live. From now on, if a comment does not meet the guidelines it will be removed and if there are complaints, your comments will be moderated and in worse case scenario banned and this is to ensure that my site remains in keeping with what I intended for it to be and that as many people are helped as possible.
I hope that this can draw a line under things and that everyone will use the comments in the way they were intended.
NML I really appreciate you responding to the comments although I feel bad you’re doing it when you should be resting! Thank you.
Gaynor I apologise for coming out of leftfield at you although it doesn’t change how I felt. I don’t feel you should just carry on regardless and refuse to adapt your tone because if it was working, this wouldn’t have happened.
i feel like this post is so relevant to me @ this very moment. i was w/ my boyfriend for 3 yrs. 2 yrs in, i found out he was cheating on me the whole time. after a brief separation, we reconciled. he never quite cut contact w/ her. not to mention episodes of disappearing, lying and hitting me more times than a few. he had an excuse for everything and i believed most, if not all of them. about 3 months ago, i found out he was cheating on me w/ a woman he met online. she had NO idea we lived together and had been in a relationship for 3 yrs. we once again broke up for a couple of weeks. he resurfaced and said he wants to be a better man, he’s going to anger management, he never wants to treat me like this again. i asked him if he was still seeing the woman from the internet. he said no. i caught him @ her house last night. his excuse was he feels like i am taking too long to make a decision about whether or not i want to try w/ him again. it’s true, i have gone back and forth about what i wanted to do but it’s b/c he’s hurt me so much in the past i just want to be sure we are both ready. just last night he said he’d wait for me for as long as it takes. now that i caught him w/ her, he claims i’m playing games and he doesn’t want to wait. plus, obviously he has been seeing her the whole time he and i have been apart. i’m devastated. i thought he wanted it to work. i believed him and my self esteem is in shreds knowing he is choosing her over me. the pain is unbearable @ times. if anyone has advice, it would be appreciated.
I agree with Michelle and the other comments. This been a long time coming and I am so glad it’s out in the open. I know NML has reiterated the policy on a number of occasions and has tried to be as fair as possible but the tone of comments has really altered in recent months and thank you for straight up addressing the situation NML. Good luck with your baby!
Jennifer you are in an abusive relationship…you need to seek help immediately and lock your door!! Do not let him into your house, go to your friends and family. This man is dangerous to you. Re-read your post as if you were reading it about your best friend. And keep coming back here, there are wonderful people talking here who know where you are and will help you to move past this. this is serious Jennifer, don’t allow yourself to be shredded to pieces anymore. You need to regain your power and to do that you need time alone, without him manipulating you and your thoughts. He is doing a lot of damage, but you are also by listening to him. He is not your friend believe me.
Strength, a lot of strength.
NML,
It’s taken to heart.
I hope all is wonderful for you and your family.
Jennifer, you must feel devastated…
Besides being a cheater your ex sounds very manipulative in letting you believe that if you had made up your mind sooner he wouldn´t have done this. This is so not true! If he was sincere he would have waited and respect the time you needed! But appearantly he just couldn´t help himself, most likely hasn´t a clue why he does stuff like this so he just tries to pin it on you.
If he tries to get back with you, please try to act on the gut feeling that you know you will be better of without him in your life. Take care of yourself!
gaynor – you asked if he was involved with the ex…no. He sees her…they have kids. I did ask if he considered getting back together with her he told me “Once someone breaks my heart – they are done” I DID NOTHING! I have searched and thought and beat myself up…but I really did nothing. During our last conversation I asked him what he meant my some things he said during a previous call…and we got through it (so I thought) Planned a visit…ended the call laughing and telling each other we were looking forward to seeing each other…then POOF, gone. I will tell you he did tell me alot about his marriage, his mistakes, he did not want to make mistakes with me…if I wanted to know anything to just ask…blah blah blah…Truthfully, I WISH he got back with the ex…that would give me some closure on this…but something tells me he is filling his time with some bimbo to forget me…and then on to the next….
I have a question: How do you know if there’s something not right in the relationship, or if it’s just you picking out all the things wrong? What if the guy isn’t an asshole and hasn’t crossed your boundaries, but things just lack something anymore? And he sort of annoys you?
Just to clear this up, I was with my ex for 1 year 2 months (on and off with several monthly breaks and whatnot, I am not counting the breaks).
We broke up about 6 months ago (October) and now 6 months down the line (April) we met and got into a relationship.
The thing that gets me is that at this point in time, maybe a month into it, my feelings are catching up with him…
Thoughts?
Just to say thanks to NML for adressing this situation, and hopefully will be able to feel more comfortable posting and replying to others.
NML, I am soo confused now, I thought getting input from people that “recovered” would help other people?
I love your website, I love to read your posts, I really do, but I don’t have to comment, It was never my intention to cause problems for you, if I did, I apologize.
Astelle, I think there is a misunderstanding. This is not about a ‘problem’ – it’s about recognising that there is no billboard on this site that announces who each commenter is, so if you or anyone else charges in with your ‘tough love’ approach that person 1) may have no clue who you are and find your comment aggressive and judgemental 2) may not know that you’ve recovered 3) may be still trying to get their thoughts processed and express themselves, and 4) they may misinterpret this ‘tone’ from a virtual stranger. People do ask questions in the comments and ask for input but not everyone does. Your message may also get lost if you are more focused on shaking sense into them and asserting your point than you are in having a little sensitivity to someone else’s pain. Just deal with each post and commenter individually. Likewise when someone says enough or that they don’t like what you have said (i’m talking about people in general not just you), leave it be rather than going ahead anyway, or at least recognise the signal that your approach is not being well received, back off, and adjust your tone.
Thanks everyone for your replies and hopefully we can move on from this 🙂 I really am off now as I want to be focused on having my baby, relax, and rest, so I trust that this is OK.
Important information: You can block text and phone numbers from your cell phone. In a desperate attempt to have no contact and tired of getting constant texts from the MM (at the point of aggravated harrasment in the States) I didn’t want to change my phone number. I called Verizon and they walked me though blocking the number on-line. Not sure if this is available with other carriers. Not sure where I should put this information but thought it was very important for those of us who want to/need to let go. It only makes it harder when we keep seeing those messages pop up. His last message was veiled with threat and my last message to him was that if he comes near me, or contacts me, I am pressing charges. It has been difficult but I started to feel afraid of him. If some of you remember, he is a cop and that is why I didn’t press charges up til now. As soon as I let this relationship go 4 months ago, someone new has walked into my life. It does happen if you let the other person go and move on. It won’t if you don’t.
Jennifer: by virtue of the fact that he is blaiming you for making him wait means HE HASN’T CHANGED.
Hi everyone,
I have posted before on another part of the site and couldnt post after as it was filled up..
I have been in an unhappy relationship for 7months. It was over last Friday, (on my birthday)..It started becoming dangerous and has caused me to lose myself completely.. He is passive aggressive and constantly made me feel i wasnt intelligent enough, good enough etc. he would ignore me for days over the silliest thing and if i ever opened my mouth to argue back (i did this twice the whole time) i would get a threat and he would pack his stuff to “leave me”..he never did but on my birthday an incident happened and it became out of control… i thought that he would make an effort on that day as he knew what it meant to me to have hom around on this day (he was my childhood sweetheart who I never forgot for ten yrs and vice versa).. he was moody with me and could only just about bring himself to say happy birthday to me at midnight. when i asked what was wrong, it made him worse..he then said he didnt want to spend the day with me..i spent a few hours with my mom and when i went back to the flat where we live together, he was not speaking to me… i tried to get him to talk and let go of the “argument” but he ignored me and told me to “get out his face”,,anything i tried saying after this was pointless cos he kept ignoring me,,it drove me crazy, and i suddenly flipped out and threw a bowl that was on the table and smashed it and left the room.. i have a history of self harm and hadnt harmed in 10months, but this turned me into something else and i took a kitchen knife and harmed myself badly while locking mhyself in the bedroom..he knew i was doing something in my state, but he did nothing and carried on llistening to music on his laptop. an hour later, he walked into the room..got dressed.. (i was under the covers with blood and the knife everywhere on the sheets) and he was singing to himself, and he walked out saying nothing.. my mom picked me up and realised i was in a state. i have been staying with her since that day. he ignored me for few days and txt me to tell me he was moving this week and wanted to use my car to move. i had answered back asking if we have any hope and got a msg back telling me how i ruined everything and how my self harm has caused him to not trust me.. when i went back o MY flat to get some overnight htings, he had bolted th dor so i couldnt get in saying he feared for his saftey. last straw was him texteing me few days ago at 11pm saying he needed my car and to drop the keys through the letterbox. I did it..went home to mom’s and she went crazy at how i let him have the car…i became hysterical and inconsolable and lost my mind at that moment as i knew i did wrong and was confused.. i msged him later saying my mom wanted him to bring the car back and i got a phonecall from him shouting and swearing at me. at 1am he brought the car back and said that i owe him over £8,000 for money he spent while being together (rent, car, petrol,food furniture etc) he said it was to be instant.. out of panic, despair and confusion i tried to commit suicide.. my mother took my phone and communicated with him to tell him that she will give him the moeny when she has it as i was no longer capable of dealing with him and that he drove me to what i did so it wasnt all my mistake.. since then, there has been no contact..3 days..however, i am on medication, i am not allowed to be left on my own, i am numb, i have not stopped crying..i feel dead inside and unable to cope and i am so frightened of feeling and being this way..i am obsessing about him wonderign if he is thinking of me or cares or is curious to knw about me and i just keep wondering what hes doing.. i have lost my mind and dont know what to do..i am sorry fror the long post..i didnt know who to tun to..
p:s- Gaynor, previously when i posted you told me to look into co-dependancy.. i am co dependant and recognised myself in all the symptoms… i have been seeing a psychiatrist this whole week…(i feel ashamed of myself as i sound like a psycho..i am just hurt and confused)
Miss Confused–
First, communicate with him via your family, so that your family can get your stuff out of your place while YOU are present; and, if something of ours is missing, inventory it. Inventory also what is left in the apartment, with a neutral, non-relative, third-party witness present. This should all be done while the jerk is there, too, BTW. And take final photo, or a video, just before you go, too. You don’t want him to accuse you of stealing anything.
Second, after taking care of your end of things, to protect your property (economic) interests in the relationship, you have to take care of your personal and social interests, as well. So you cut him out of your life COMPLETELY. If he owes you money, tough for you. Money is nothing compared to the trauma of dealing with this jerk. If you owe him, tough for him. Make him sue you for it. Make him prove up what you owe him.
If your friends take his side, b/c he was “Mr. Popular” or “Mr. Desirable” or “Mr. Dark” when he was younger, tell them to mind their own business, and that you don’t want to talk about him, ever.
Third, if you can, and once you are stronger, start over, somewhere new. Show the new faces around you that you are happy, and that you love yourself. Even if you have to act “as if.” Then you will be treated better, b/c people will see that you treat yourself well, that YOU like YOU. They follow suit, get it? (Just like how you followed suit in thinking that things were all innocent and rosy with your memories if youth and how this guy was your childhood sweetheart, etc.)
Never talk to this guy again. He is bad news, esp. b/c he brings out the worst in you, and does nothing to make things better. He may even get off knowing that you look badly in front of your family. Because he makes them feel that they “need” him to be around, b/c no one else will “want” you, b/c of your past.
Have you committed a crime against someone else?
Have you acted maliciously toward others?
Have you stolen?
Are you known as a bad person?
What the hell do you have to be ashamed of? To feel awkward or depressed about?
You have to get a grip. Only you can do it for you. And you sound like you deserve it, and that you should not be so hard on yourself.
Miss Confused – thank goodness you are getting help. You have 12 solid months ahead of you of self love, healing, therapy, medication and especially NO CONTACT. You may feel hurt, you may feel confused but you just tried to cut yourself with a knife and then commit suicide. There is not a doubt in my mind that this guy put you over the edge…you admit to have codependent issues…and he was fuel to the fire…he was deliberately cruel and mean…and you are wondering if he is thinking about you. You main focus right now should be to fix yourself. Who on earth cares WTF he has to say…He is done – you are on a road back to recovery. Good luck.
Miss Confused….I too am thankful you are courageous enough to seek out help, it is definitely a step in the right direction and the road to recovery will be long and hard. Instantaneous results will not come over night, I speak from experience.
I too went through a time in my life where I totally broke down, wanted to jump out a window and yes, this was over a guy. I went through many times in my life where I wanted to hurt myself, angry with myself and the last time, when I finally hit rock bottom and broke down, I admitted myself into the hospital for help. That was 20 years ago, while the pain subsided and I found other ways to channel the negative energy, I still carried the hurts of the past with me, until recently through counseling. I can also say from experience, in retrospect, trying to kill myself over this man that was in my life would have been a waste. I have finally realized that because of all the underlying issues that I had, which needed to be addressed and were the real culprit to trying to commit suicide or trying to hurt myself in other forms other than cutting, this man only added another layer of pain to what I was already feeling. At the end of the day, he just wouldn’t have (or any man for that matter) been worth killing myself over. You have found a safe place here, keep posting and reading NML’s blogs. I feel your pain and hope you will be patient with yourself as you go through this process.
Miss Confused,
Even though all of us who post on this blog definitely have our problems and issues that might tend to make us feel negative about ourselves, I think we’re all here to get “better.” I would hope that NO MAN, especially one that doesn’t treat us rightly, would be worth thoughts of ending our lives by our own hand.
(I am not unfamiliar with suicide… I lost my own sister to it, but…)
There is some verse in the bible about “5 sparrows may fall to the ground, but the Father in heaven knows each one of them”….
I think that verse means something like “If God pays attention to the birds, how much more will he pay attention to us?” You need to know that we are all hear reading what you wrote and paying attention.
I don’t have any more good advice, but I’m going to pray that you listen to these positive women and to your own heart and let yourself feel and notice that there are a lot of us out here who are thinking about you and want you to find a place in your life where you can live and be safe and feel good about who you are.
You can find peace within yourself, and it doesn’t have to come from a man. Especially a man who doesn’t care about you!
Geez, I’m so sick of hearing about men who take advantage of women who are already hurting badly.
Because of what I went through after my sister’s struggle, I don’t ever want another woman to feel desperation because of a man.
Miss Confused, you are alive for a reason, and you are valuable.
Read what the women here are writing to you. I’m so encouraged by it, I hope you’ll see it, too.
Miss Confused:
Please, please, please look out for you. Be self-protective. Stay away from this man.
There is tons of literature out there – if you will read it – and “listen” to the advice – written by psychotherapists on the issue of EUMs and how to deal with your own issues.
If I have learned anything in my journey with an EUM, it is this: There is nothing I can do about him and his controlling manipulative behavior. Nothing.
But, I can choose to work on me.
And my working on me is going to look different than your working on you will look. Dig, dig, dig, deep within, and you will know what you need to do for you. Not for him, not for what you hoped would have been with him, not for anyone but you. One step forward to getting you on track. You, you, you.
Yes, be selfish. Be very selfish.
Regards,
Elizabeth
thank you all so much for your comments and advice..
I am reading and reading everything you all have written and am trying to absorb it all and try to see that i will get through it all at the end, as all of you ladies have managed to get through.. at this moment though, i cannot see the light.. I know he was doing me so much wrong and hurt, but for some reason, I cannot help but think that perhaps he didnt mean it, that maybe he was unaware of how i had been feeling, perhaps I was wrong in the relationship like he suggested and that i didnt make an effort.. I did make an effort though..I tried so hard to “learn” him and to live up to his expectations and I wasnt able to undersand exactly what he was expecting, but he didnt help me..He said i have to figure it out myself and it wasnt his job anymore and that he refused to console me, talk to me, be attentive to me for the past few months of our relationship if i was feeling down about something, as he said its time i dealt with things on my own and go to other people for that kind of attention.. I dont want to keep repeating myself but I am just constantly thinking that it was me and he is right?.. Last night, i phoned him and withheld my number..not to talk to him, just to hear his voice and see if he was moving on…part of me thought that maybe he would answer and sound so miserable as i am feeling and that way i would know he was feeling guilty and missing me.. NO! He answered, talking to someone else in the background but sounding so upbeat… It tore me to shreds.. I was wrong to do that, I am delaying my helaing by doing that..but somehow i think part of me doesnt want to let go and is trying to hold on to any form of link that i can to him…disgusting, i know… Im glad my mom has referred me to this site..all i ask from all of you great ppl who have been posting and helping me aswell as others.. please dont give up on me even if i go a step back and make a mistake..please keep helping and advising me… i feel like this site is my only hope.. I am like a zombie most of the day as i am on anti anxiety and anti depressant meds, so im numb the whole time.. please dont give up on me…thank you all so much.. x
Miss Confused:
I am so sorry for what you are going through and wanted to send some support vibes to you. I can’t add much to the already excellent advise you’ve been given. But I would like to suggest a book that has helped me a lot. I haven’t yet read Natalie’s, but have just finished Robin Norwood’s *Women who love too much*. Amongst other things, it explains the dynamic of loving too much, and not looking out enough for ourselves and where many of us come from who do so.
Just a suggestion though, for now please take really good care of you.
Lina
This is excellent to read because I’m definitely one of those people who does too much thinking and not of enough acting. In the end, after obsessively dwelling over whatever it is you’re dwelling about (doesn’t even have to be relationship related) you realize that basically you’ve just been wasting your time and you don’t accomplish anything. Even if physically you’re over it, what you’re *thinking* about has the most power.
Hey,
I miss Gaynor. Nothing like a good kick in the ass now and then.
Gaynor, quite frankly, I came to always expect your hard ass point of view. Not bad, always appreciated.
Don’t go away, whatever Brad or others might say.
Some people can either scroll over your post’s or not. That is their choice. You have things to say. Say them!
You have earned your opinion. But, maybe couch them in a way that people in pain can actually hear them?
Cheers to you Gaynor, I hope you are doing well. ts.
Lina,
Thank you.. my mom already has this book and she has now given it to me to start reading..
I havent left home since this all happened a week ago, and havent actually spoken in 3 days… I just sit in silence staring at whatever is on the telly.. Im in pain..hurting so much.. i cant breathe..when i sleep at night i have to take sleeping tablets..i keep dreaming that things are ok with us and that nothing ever went wrong etc.. when i wake up from the dream, i begin gasping for air and start having panic attacks at the thought that it was all a dream..i try and start analysing the dream and i just cant deal with the fact we are not togethr…. This is the only place I can find myself speaking my thoughts and feelings with no judgement but help and advice.. with help from ppl who have gone through it… In reading all of the comments though, how come i find myself not coping in a “normal” way?…
Miss Confused:
Hello again. By the sounds of things, I take it you’re still at your mum’s? I would say hang in there, and keep your distance from him as much as possible. It’s important for your healing to stay away in order to get strong again. This is difficult, but it absolutely can be done.
Personally, I don’t really think there’s any normal way to cope, but I know what you mean. And I think we all do it differently. I also believe there are not shortcuts, we have to just go through the pain until we feel better, it’s baby steps and taking each day at a time, trying to get through it. I am so sorry for your hurting, we know what you’re going through to some degree or another. And we’re all here to support as best we can.
I had trouble with the dreaming bit too, a couple of months back .. it felt really disturbing but after three months of no contact they have subsided. I still feel occasional pain though, but it is alowly fading. I realise the reality is that it wasn’t a proper relationship, I had projected too much and assumed he felt as I did. He didn’t, but made me feel like it was reciprocal for a long time. So basically I felt both fooled and rejected in the end.
About the coping bit, again, I’d say give yourself time and lots more time. Many answers come with time I think, and perhaps you may need professional help as well to get through this as an extra cushion of support? Just a thought. In any case, I think Norwood’s book is a good place to start.
I wish you well.
L xx
Im in this situation right now – spending 100% of my time & energy wondering what went wrong and how I can fix it. It’s time to move on. Its’ a bit difficult right now – im in a different country not ‘home’. That said it’s not impossible and my energy will be better used attending to the practicalities of the situation. Time to grow-up and take responsibility for me. Oh Heck 😀 Thank you for your post. 😀
I am getting professional help and everywhere, I keep hearing the same thing..That this man is wrong for me and that he is manipulative and built up my dreams and fantasies with him by enabling them and then just suddenly let them come crashing down on me..i just keep thinking that “No, this was different..We were different”..apparently not.. problem is, he is still in my flat, while im at my mothers house.. He is meant to be leaving in these next 2 days.. but as I am not allowed to communicate with him, to find out weather he has left or to get the keys back etc, my mom is.. He hasnt communicated with him since the day i tried to commit suicide.. She said she will give him till monday and if he still hasnt phoned to update her if he has left or not, then she will contact him to find out… but I am desperate to know! I am desperate to know what is happening.. why the hell hasnt he phoned my mom to let her know?!… I have to stop obsessing and thinking about what hes doing etc but it is soooo difficult.. i find myself staring at the phone, and each tim eit rings or my mom’s phone rings, my heart jumps into my throat.. i thought he felt the same way about me..he was looking for me for ten years for goodness sakes!.. Sorry..i keep repeating the same things.. im just trying to write to keep myself sane…
tenderfoot,
what is your situation?..how are you coping?
x
I am the woman in the article that Natalie references as having a room full of evidence (and believe me, the evidence I have on this guy shows that he is not the man I thought he was from the way he treated me in the beginning – he is a wolf in sheeps clothing)…it has been 3 months now since x-EUM and I broke things off. We have had no contact. I am still processing it all…I now know he was no good for me and why, but I am still wishing things were different…wishing he were different…wondering if we just gave it another try if things would be different….but they are not, would not and will not be different and that is the reality I have to accept – not because of me but because of him. I have no control over him and the person he is – and THAT is what caused the failure in our relationship – HIS character defects. On another article, Brad K posted about character and it really helped me along. I spent time reading about character – what it is (honesty, integrity, empathy, compassion, responsibility, etc.), what its hallmarks are, etc. I realized that, while I desire a man with strong character, x-EUM is not that man. I think if we all look at the evidence we have in our evidence rooms – our “blame lists” if you will, we would see that, as Brad K points out, these are NOT men of character and will not become men of character simply because we “want” them too become men of character. AND if he is not a man with strong character, I don’t want him.
I am beginning to think a lot of being able to move on or not has to do with our desire to be in control of the situation. If I have control, I can change it. If I do not, I feel helpless. BUT, the reality is, I only have control over myself, so I can only change myself.
The reality is, we ALLOW these men to treat us poorly and excuse it away by blaming ourselves and saying if only “I” were different, he would behave differently. OR, worse, we don’t care that they are treating us poorly and just so desperately want them in our life – for whatever reason – that we allow them to treat us poorly without regard for ourself and our own existence. In doing this, we are letting them destroy what little self esteem we have.
The truth is – he is what he is and he is not going to change unless HE wants to change….and that is unlikely, because they do not see themselves.
Miss Confused, I am afraid I am going to say something blunt here. Not meant to hurt you, i know you are in enough pain as it is but I really must say that if anyone tried to commit suicide over me I would cut contact, run for the hills and never look back.
Because it means that person projects very, very serious issues on me, that go way beyond me or the relationship. Like you are doing now with your ex.
There is only one thing for you to do and that is work on yourself, get therapy, etc. You seem to have serious coping issues that probably have very little to do with this man or any other man. Take responsibility and take the focus of him and on you.
I wish you strength!
I am the woman in the article that Natalie references as having a room full of evidence (and believe me, the evidence I have on this guy shows that he is not the man I thought he was from the way he treated me in the beginning – he is a wolf in sheeps clothing)…it has been 3 months now since x-EUM and I broke things off. We have had no contact. I am still processing it all…I now know he was no good for me and why, but I am still wishing things were different…wishing he were different…wondering if we just gave it another try if things would be different….but they are not, would not and will not be different and that is the reality I have to accept – not because of me but because of him. I have no control over him and the person he is – and THAT is what caused the failure in our relationship – HIS character defects. On another article, Brad K posted about character and it really helped me along. I spent time reading about character – what it is (honesty, integrity, empathy, compassion, responsibility, etc.), what its hallmarks are, etc. I realized that, while I desire a man with strong character, x-EUM is not that man. I think if we all look at the evidence we have in our evidence rooms – our “blame lists” if you will, we would see that, as Brad K points out, these are NOT men of character and will not become men of character simply because we “want” them too become men of character. AND if he is not a man with strong character, I don’t want him.
I am beginning to think a lot of being able to move on or not has to do with our desire to be in control of the situation. If I have control, I can change it. If I do not, I feel helpless. BUT, the reality is, I only have control over myself, so I can only change myself.
The reality is, we ALLOW these men to treat us poorly and excuse it away by blaming ourselves and saying if only “I” were different, he would behave differently. OR, worse, we don’t care that they are treating us poorly and just so desperately want them in our life – for whatever reason – that we allow them to treat us poorly without regard for ourself and our own existence. In doing this, we are letting them destroy what little self esteem we have.
The truth is – he is what he is and he is not going to change unless HE wants to change….and that is unlikely, because they do not see themselves
Sorry for the duplicate post – my computer is possessed!
In processing my break up with x-EUM, I read the following and want to share it with all of you because it really hits home…read the following statement out loud:
“I can honestly say [your ex’s name] was the most loving and
perfect partner for me. He/she treated me like I was the most
important person in the world, always with respect and without
hesitation to place my needs ahead of his/her own. The time
spent with [your ex] was the happiest I have ever been.
So how did it feel to read that to yourself? Did you feel that
statement was true? Or were you thinking some parts felt like a
lie? I know when I read it, it ALL felt like a lie…and that told me something! If my relationship were a solid, healthy one, I would have felt ALL of it was true….it was not.
Hi Miss Confused 🙂
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now. I hope it passes soon. 🙂 Breaking up is such an emotional obstacle course eh? Right now Im allowing myself to have positive thoughts, Im allowing myself to have positive feelings about my future. Until now I have been denying myself these but not anymore. Im clearing space in my head and focusing on what I am grateful for in my life. 🙂 It helps and it’s amazing how many things I have to be thankful for which are not dependent on him or us being together.
I have so much work to do to organize my life. Before I was using the relationship as an excuse for putting myself and my hopes and dreams and happiness on hold.
The person Im involved with disappeared – it’s a small place and his family live very close by but he just never came home one night and that kicked it off. Now 2 months later he still hasn’t been home to where we lived together for 3 years – Im recieving ‘check-up’ phonecalls from time to time from him and nothing else.
yuk :/ feels like crap but I’m resolved to get over it.
Like the title of another post says ‘Good things don’t feel bad’.
I would explain more but I just want to let it go and go forward. Life’s too short. 🙂
Take it easy Miss Confused – I hope it all gets better soon. I hope you realise that one man’s perception is exactly that and nothing more. 🙂
(sounds like big brave stuff but i’m having a lot of moments too 🙂 and my letting go process started some time ago when I started to question his behaviour)
Love
T x
Miss Confused: Your situation is definitely a paradox. He looked for you for ten years, found you, and then rejected you. It makes no sense to you, or to me, or to many other people for that matter. So, you end up thinking and analyzing over what you might have missed, what you could have done, etc. And you think and you think and you think. And nothing ever comes of it, so you then think and think somemore to the point that you literally begin to drive yourself crazy.
What will make your obsession stop? I don’t know. What is also paradoxical for you is that whilst you have your mom to help you, and it sounds like she is, you are still right there in the middle of things. Waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for updates about the situation from your mom, etc. I mean, even though you are not talking to him, you are still in a situation where he is still in control – he is now not communicating with your mom – he knows he should – and he is choosing not to.
There is another book out there called: How to Spot a Dangerous Man. Now, granted, when we find ourselves in these no-win situations, it seems kind of silly to read the book after the fact. . . But what all of the literature has done for me is help me to recognize that these EUMs have a pathology that really cannot be fixed. All of my hopes, all of my prayers, all of my longing for it to be different won’t make one bit of difference. The only way he will ever change will be if he wants to change and if he has the courage and willpower to do it. And, you can never know that – if you maintain NC – but again, you can only control you.
That concept of – this is out of my hands and there is nothing I can do to change my situation with him – is was finally woke me up to accept the idea of the complete and total NC. Prior to that, I kept thinking and if I just gave him some more time he would get it together and commit to me and the relationship that he kept saying he wanted. I had tried NC – to various levels – never initiating phone calls, but waiting for him to call. Then when he would call, I would say, “No, I can’t see you.” Then two days later, I would call him. It was a very exhausting dance.
Now, the complete and total NC did nothing to repair my broken heart, but it removed me from the rollar coaster (day to day turmoil of waiting for the phone to ring – it seldom did – or if it did, it was hours later; waiting at a restaurant, by myself – he was always 20 – 30 minutes late, and then had to leave early, etc.) and it removed me from the merry-go-round (on the 3rd anniversary of meeting him, I realized that nothing had changed (it centered around a conversation of his vacation – it was exactly the same thing he told me two years in a row over why his vacation wasn’t that fun), even though he kept assuring me that he had done x, y, and z and at any point in time, he would commit). He didn’t want to be happy. And, he dragged me into that world of unhappiness.
In my case, when I finally got angry and said, “Enough. I refuse to put myself through this anymore,” he just started laughing. Then he got angry and started to tell me about everything that was wrong with me. It was at that point, that I realized how I was delusional about who he was. I went 3 months of NC, but ended up calling him – not to get back together, but to talk about the past. BIG MISTAKE.
He was completely non-cooperative. Not rude or impolite, but all that seeing him did, was open up the wound again. It was at that point, I finally got that I was addicted to him – or I was addicted to trying to make him see that his life could be so much better if he would “connect” in a real way.
Again, all of the reality checks and a ha moments did nothing to mend my broken heart, but they did allow me to shift the burden off of me thinking that I could or would ever get the relationship with him that I so desparately wanted.
I had to quit watching romantic movies, reading romantic novels, advice in magazines, etc., because they tended to reinforce the idea that all would work out in the end. These men, as we know them, cannot be fixed. There was nothing I could do about him.
In yet another book, but I can’t remember the title, there was advice that said something about moving at least 100 miles away – it is too hard to “drive” by the house, you won’t accidentally run into him, you will be forced to make new friends, etc.
I had the luxury of doing that as I was able to find a new job. However, the heart was still broken, but I had something to focus on, besides him, and I wouldn’t run into him or be around the old neighborhood, etc.
What I finally came to realize is: I actually was a happy person when I met him; I had some insecurity issues, obviously, or I wouldn’t have been vulnerable to his manipulation, but I was a highly functioning individual. Now, I am an unhappy person with a broken heart. However, I am much more at peace than I was a year ago, and that is a big big step.
Since I tend to obsess about almost everything, I found that ticcing days off of the calendar and journaling helped me. They were tangibles that I could see that progress had been made.
There are many many blogs out there. If writing helps – in the sense – that you can interact with others who have empathy and sympathy, because they have been through the same thing – then post post post. The safety of the anonymity was important to me. Funny thing – he should be the one to be embarrassed and ashamed, not me. Hey, there’s another revelation as to why I am better of without him. He has no remorse. He had once told me that one of his other women had said he was incredibly selfish. At the time, I couldn’t or wouldn’t see it. I now not only think, but know, that he is the most incredibly selfish person I have ever met.
Judy wrote
“I can honestly say [your ex’s name] was the most loving and
perfect partner for me. He/she treated me like I was the most
important person in the world, always with respect and without
hesitation to place my needs ahead of his/her own. The time
spent with [your ex] was the happiest I have ever been. ”
Amen, this is so great. Rather simple really, no need to think much about it.
And it is also great to put your own name in there and imagine a ( future ) great lover reading it and knowing it is true about you also.
Cause that is the level of connection l seek….
to both receive and to give to another. And this is how elderly happily married couples I have asked for their secret have described what makes a long term love work.
Nice, really nice, thank you for sharing.
@Miss Confused
Hope you are feeling a bit better. I read back your posts and it seems like the wound is very ‘fresh’ now. I’d say it’s completely natural to be distressed at this point and screaming for justice. Yikes 🙂 It will pass though. Please let this person go. If it helps visualise seeing him off on a long journey-in the opposite direction. It’s time for you now. You spent a long time trying to be what you thought he wanted. Wouldnt it be so much nicer to be able to relax in a relationship and know you are EXACTLY what he wants.
It may be a cliche or trite or hackneyed but it’s true that a person has to love and value themselves first and foremost. Then comes real honest union with another.
I’m just talking through my coping process I guess. But I did have a friend who went through a similar situation to yourself and was hospitalised after a failed relationship. She is now very happy with a partner who cares for her, she went back to college and studied for a new career.
When she meet the former guy some years later her reaction was – Ech!! what the hell was I thinking. 🙂 She felt shame at having degraded herself for this….nonce. (her words :D)
Anyhow – Take it easy and take your own sweet time but day by day let him go a little but more. You deserve to be happy.
Love
T x
Hi confused,
I married a man who I fell in love with on first sight, I thought it was the fairy-tail wedding of all time… and it was because It was my fairy-tail, it was my goodness, my love, my energy, my total devotion that kept this thing working, (dah!) as long as I was giving without asking he was taking. It was only when I (get this!!) I asked him to help me with the dishes after him not lifting a finger for one and a half years), he turned to me and said, ‘watch out I will become a bastard’, yup…. the castle began to crumble…Cinderella to Black beard. Each stone of that castle I had built was torn down, one stone at a time, each stone that was dismantled by sledgehammer, torn out and thrown into the waste heap was a piece of my heart, my hopes, my expectations, my dreams, my belief, my trust.
The truth replaced the lie…white became black with all the nasty shades of grey. I learnt two of his former relationships had to be hospitilized in institutions. He had been having an affair for two years of our three year marriage. To punish me he began to have affairs with my friends, flirting with them in front of me, then denying his actions…yup I lost trust in my own eye sight. Day by day he broke me. His mission ‘Destroy De’. I believe there is evil in the world, I never believed it before. Every day you are in there you get closer to your own death. I know. The sooner you leave the sooner you get to have yourself back and happiness and love and laughter. Do you want these things???? If you do, please be thankful you have escaped. He nearly got my soul but in my silence I held on to it with dear life. I became the walking dead, I was not allowed to speak in public, If I opened my mouth to join the conversation he would press my knee with his and whisper in my ear..ssshhh.
That was a long time ago but I remember the lesson. If it wasn’t me it would be someone else, don’t take anything this man does personally, he would do it to his mother!!! Get free get strong and recognize you deserve the best!!
Take care of your precious precious life. Be thankful you have such a strong caring Mum to protect you, learn to protect yourself so you can stand on your own two feet. It’s gonna take time but you are worth it.
I guess this is a reminder to myself too, thanks for letting me share some of my own story.
Care
I cannot thank you all enough for all your advice and support and also your stories… I understand how hurtful it can be to re play what you all went through, and to know that you still wrote to tell me and others your stories, means alot.. I am completely indebted to all of you.. It is still so fresh, so painful.. and I have been given a week and a half before the doctors decide weather i should be admitted into hospital with input from my mom as she is the ony one watching me go through this and is starting to worry..
An update on what has been happening and this is where I definatly need some advice, help and strength from all you great people..
He phoned my mom yesterday afternoon.. He asked how I was and she told him im in a bad way and that I am not coping well…His answer was “im sorry to hear that and would it help if I came to see her to explain why things happened the way they did and to give her closure, on the condition that you (my mom) are present to witness it all?” .. My mom replied by saying that at the moment she feels No contact with me is better and if she decided otherwise later on she would let him know..he said he would call her during the next week to organise giving the keys back etc. Oh my God!! when he phoned and my mom relayed the convo back to me, I collapsed in the middle of a coffee shop.. My mom had tried taking me out for fresh air and thats what happened to me.. Now im thinking maybe I need to see him to get it into my thick head that he is done with me and to know from his side, exactly the reason why…is that a good idea or a bad idea?.. Nothing would be able to escalate from it as my mom would be there.. what should i do?..
Also, there is another thing that i am struggling to come to terms with.. Im embarassed to say it, but i know i wont be judged here and am more likely to get good answers from it..
During the whole time I dont stop thinking about us, etc.. I keep getting this pain and sick feeling in my stomach when i think that after all this and he is moved out and moving on, I cant imagine him being with another woman, sexually.. it makes me ill to think the way he was with me, (telling me he loved me and making me feel so special and important during) that he would be doing this with someone else.. like i said, for 10yrs he was looking for me and when he finally got me he would say that he couldnt believe he was being intimate with me and that it was his dream to find me and be with me etc.
Now, i can never imagine him beign that way with another person… i want it so desperatly to be me..and i can not imagine me being with another person.. He was my first experience sexually ten years ago and then we got back together and i thought he would be my last and vice versa.. during intercourse, he would make me feel like he only person on this earth who was for him..and texts he used to send me when things were good…i would go out for a little while and he would text me things that would make my heart melt..HOW THE HELL DID HE LOSE THE LOVE FOR ME HE BUILT UP OVER TEN YEARS?!
I feel like i am slowly dieing inside.. I have so many questions i want to ask him and get the answers to…what should i do?..
Hi Miss
It’s just my opinion and I know how difficult it is for you right now but that sick feeling about him being with someone else is natural and I’d say a fairly common experience when breaking-up. I went through that too and still am a little.
It’s hard to feel this way. It’s like -where do you put all those feelings? – and they keep coming and coming. It’s almost like grief in a way.
Let your Mum do the talking for you right now with this fellow if he calls. At the moment you seem too upset to handle a conversation with him.
Focus on your health right now. Take a week and get some rest, talk it through with your Mum and your friends. Talk til you’re blue in the face 🙂 Get as much out as you can.
The posts on this site are wonderful and written by a strong woman. Take some time to read the posts that jump out at you and also the ones that you don’t want to handle. When you find yourself moping or thinking or getting upset just turn on the computer and start reading. Just a way to get through this week thats all you need right now. 🙂
Take good care of yourself – it sucks to the high heavens I know but the most important thing in all of this is that you are ok.
Be cool + breathe deep – you are way stronger than you think 🙂
T
xx
Miss Confused, I think he has been building a fantasy in the ten years you were apart. And then after the first hazy, rose tinted period after meeting up again, reality wasn´t all he thought it would be.
That happens. Maybe you were building to much castles in the sky as well. This to will pass Miss C. You will be allright!
Hello, I read this board regularly but rarely comment as my life had been ticking along in a sort of vaguely satisfying but also unsatisfying way until now. Now I’m sitting here crying over everything.
Briefly, I met and fell in love with a classic EUM some six years ago, it was long distance which suited me because that’s what I always did – built in failure/lack of intimacy guaranteed – and suited him because it allowed him to do what he wanted when I wasn’t with him (though I wasn’t around to see it I was pretty sure that he had flings with other women) and guaranteed that it could never get too close. After 18 months, by which time we’d got dangerously close to each other (by both of our standards) it reached a watershed and exploded, overnight he flipped from loving to hostile, and I went from confident to clingy. I went back to the UK in a complete state of confusion, he then avoided all contact for 2 weeks and when I finally got hold of him and told him this had to stop it ended.
Well we kept in touch though I refused to see him for 18 months, then I had to visit my parents who live in the same small country, met him and it started up again. For various reasons, not totally connected with him, I’m now living in the same country and now have my own house, life and a job here. For the last 3 years we’ve continued to have a friendship and a sexual relationship though nothing like the relationship it used to be. I’ve seen the dark side of him and could never trust him again, but this sort of part time affair suits me.
Whilst this has been going on he’s also been having a long distance relationship with a woman who is even more besotted than I was and has been upping the stakes over time. She doesn’t know about our continuing sexual relationship though I think she’s suspicious as she has said that she wants to ‘talk to me’. She’s gone from buying him anything he wants, to trying to get pregnant by him, to deciding that she is going to give everything up to move here to be with him.
So I’m sitting here crying over the fact that if she moves here then I can’t continue to see him, and whilst I know this is what I should have done years ago I’m terribly upset about it. Even though I know he’s a user of women, and that we are probably using each other for sex to some extent, we are quite close as friends.
The thing is that I know this is about me trying to rewrite history, and this time to win. You see I was brought up by my Dad who is a classic EUM too. My Mum left when I was 7 and I was my Dad’s soul mate till he met my stepmother who was obsessively in love with him. Their relationship was truly vile and toxic, he treated her appallingly and though she ended up fighting back it was a horrible way to live. Neither of them were happy but they stayed married for 40 years, fighting every day till she died of an aggressive cancer.
I spent my adolescent years competing for my Dad’s love, so this business with EUM’s other woman is horribly familiar. I also know on some level that I’d have the same relationship with the EUM that my Mum and stepmum had with my Dad, and I couldn’t do that to myself.
So why am I so upset now? I’m really devastated at the thought of the other woman coming to live here, I don’t want her here, I want him to myself even though I don’t want him full time. I don’t know, is this me being selfish, not wanting to accept that he could prefer her over me? I don’t know what’s going on, just that I’m really unhappy and crying all the time
Confused: I would suggest NC for a long long time. If ever.
I have been reviewing the literature (mostly anecdotal through psychotherapists reporting on counseling sessions with their women clients) regarding EUMs; they must remain in control, so they continue, by whatever means necessary, to stay in your psyche. This is very damaging to the woman’s emotional health. Almost all of the articles that I read said a minimum of 6 months; many articles stated even waiting for a year.
He proved who he is; when you most needed him, he walked away. It’s like you were drowning, and the life vest was right there, but he refused to throw it to you. In the case of my AC EUM, even though there was no physical abuse, he just walked away, and never ever turned around to see if I was still even standing. I actually remember an almost maniical laugh coming from him, along with frozen eyes with no depth. (Right now, writing this, I am more angry at me then I am at him – so you can see that I clearly have a lot more work to do on myself).
I applaud you for being so willing to share your story; that openness demonstrates that you have strength to move forward. You are seeking good things for you.
Believe me, I don’t have any answers for you, only suggestions. And, if I had been able to really overcome the AC EUM, I wouldn’t need to continue to come to this venue. But reading each story does help me, and I hope it helps you. Each day does get better.
NC for now might really be the best for you. For whatever reason he chose to behave as he did – a week and a half ago – that reason will still be there in 6 months or a year from now. You just sound so fragile.
In the case of my AC EUM, he actually justified some of his behavior because of my fragility. He would tell me that I was too sensitive; he didn’t mean to hurt me, but he could see that I wasn’t strong enough to handle even small things, etc. that I clearly had a problem. Also, he had to be the one to tiptoe around because I was just too insistent. Mind you, this was in response to me asking, once, after two years, “When do you foresee an us?” So. . .
Dig deep to find you and what is best for you. Get to know you. And get better.
Regards,
Elizabeth
I have a slight problem in that I am living a fairly small town where everyone is familiar with my now ex. On a daily basis I am asked where he is, what he is doing. Im always respectful in my answers and tactfully evasive. It will be 6 months before I am able to fully re-locate to another city.
Do you think it’s wise to fudge when people ask my relationship status until I leave town? It feels wierd to do that but so far thats how I’ve handled it.
??
Dear Miss Confused…
I want to give you a ((( HUG))))…Please stay strong, keep reading posts and NML’s e-book, it is very helpful, believe me…I was in the same situation four years ago, I was like a zombi, I lost 5 kg in two weeks, I couldnt eat, drink, sleep and was crying for three months…I even moved to another country for six months, just in order to forget my ex!!! TRUST me, you will move on and you will feel better -day by day, week by week…
I know you want to meet your ex boyfriend and have a closure, but I dont think you are physically and mentally ready to do that. Elizabeth and Brad K gave you a great advices:-)
My heart goes to you and I wish you all the best!!!
Sadthing-
It sounds like a good start to digging up the pain of your past, at least your recognizing the patterns. I think you may be emotionally connected to the emotional unavailability – the bond that you were strongly attached to in childhood (as you are aware of and mentioned). That is why you are holding on. It sounds like you been putting your focus on relationships instead of putting it on (you) … But, in this process we usually learn we have to put it back on ourselves when we have a string of unsatisfying relationships. The first step in the healing process is learning to love yourself and finding out what that means deep within. It may take time to see your physical world changing, but as you get emotionally healthy you will start to see and feel changes. Goodluck!
Nicole thanks for that wonderful insight! I am so sorry sad thing but I think in the long run you will thank this woman for helping you cut ties. Let her have the problem of ‘where is he, why isn’t he here for me, and she will! I hate the feeling of ‘why her not me’, I’m sure most of us have been there, but if you can think of this as a closure from something toxic it will help you move on so much quicker, don’t give into the I’m second best’ syndrome. Remember… ‘you don’t abandon yourself’, a good mantra for you right now, and as you say it hold your hand on your heart and put all your present focus on you… you are the object of your desire, and your desire is to be happy, It’s gonna be hard but break this thing off now, NC!!!! you do not have to be involved, you do not have to meet her (horrific thought!!) how dare she!! How dare he be so thoughtless, selfish and unthinking bring it up, does he not know you enough or care that he would hurt you!!?? If not, you know what to do… run and lock your door!
You decide if and when you want to resume any contact. Don’t let them have your power! I feel for you, cause the same thing has happened to me.
Thanks Brad K and Nicole, you’re both right, I know my pattern is one of hoping to get a meaningful relationship from an AC. I’m 51 now, had years of therapy, made huge changes in the last 4 years – job, country, family relationships, lost a lot of weight – I don’t know if I can change any more, don’t know if I can be bothered to change.
I know that this ‘relationship’ is the furthest out of my comfort zone that I’ve ever gone.I was 45 before I ever let myself fall very seriously in love and that was with the current EUM so there’s also a thing about him being my first love that keeps me hooked in.
NC isn’t possible unless I move house and completely change my lifestyle, though I guess when the OW eventually moves here no contact will be allowed anyway.
I don’t know what to do next, I just feel exhausted and terribly depressed at the moment.
sadthing’s last blog post..Obsessing & Overthinking – Processing the Evidence of your Relationship So You Can Move On
Thank you to all of you who have given me advice and support..
I have just woekn up from another traumatic dream that involved us being back together and it has left me shaken and disturbed, once again… I keep feeling that i would really just rather sleep and not wake up as I am not coming to terms with the feeling that we are not together each morning and my fragility to the whole situation..
In the ten years we were apart, I used to think of him often and think that if i were in any kind of trouble/pain etc.. he would hav ebeen there to console me and help me like he previously did.. Now, ten years later, although he had helped me when i was feeling low and had a few problems at the begininng of our relationship, he slowly decided to stop giving me thta support.. i stopped feeling as though i could talk to him awhen i was feeling down even if it was about something else.. I stopped being able to come home and cry about something in privacy.. I had to hide in the bathroom or kitchen to have a cry on my own so he wouldnt see and not do anything about it.. At our last argument which ended our realtionship, I had said that i didnt feel i could talk to him about things that were getting to me or upsetting me that wernt to do with ihm.. his answer was “good, ive been doing it on purpose cos im not doing that anymore. Its about time you learn to go through it on your own or with other ppl like your mom etc. Ive given up trying to suppor you with certain things because you dont do the same with me”..my answer was that he is not exactly an easy person to deal with when it comes to those things and that he completely shuts himself off when he is in any of those moods and doesnt allow me in and when i do try to get it out of him, he ignores me or tells me to leave him alone..plus i have done nothing but be there for him while he has been unwell with problems with his back and other issues.. i always did everything he wanted at any time of day or night.. catch 22?! God, I am dreading the next week when I have to go back to my flat to get my things and sort out bills, moving out etc.. he would have moved by then but all the memories are still there..how do i deal with it?.. i am truly frightened of my feelings and reactions.. i am so scared.. life is so difficult, i have been considering admitting myself into hospital as i dont know if i can cope anymore..
p:s- sometimes when i post, eventually, there comes a point when you cant post anymore on that one subject?.. how would i continue to post where i dont have to repeat my story etc?..
The ex EUM contacted me yesterday on the one online place I hadn´t blocked him yet. This after countless mails in the past in which I explained him I don´t need him in my life and one final mail in which I said I didn´t want him and was over him. I ignored his attempt at contact but when I fell asleep yesterday an old trauma surfaced which I hadn´t thought about in a long time. I was raped once some 15 years ago. The fact that I thought about this (the ultimate breach of boundaries) after so long was telling to me.
The EUM showed time and again during and after us dating that he has no respect for my boundaries. He never laid a hand on me and I don´t think he ever would, don´t get me wrong. I think the resurfacing of the trauma was symbolic and a definite warning sign that persons like this are toxic and at worst dangerous. I never felt safe with him emotionally, and I realise that now more than ever. Even if I wanted to there is no way I can ever be with him again. Ever.
I feel so voulnerable right now…
Miss Confused,
Would it be possible for your Mum to pick up your mail and stuff?? I’m not sure it is a good idea for you to go back and I know you are afraid with good reason. You will go over and over your conversations, it’s the natural process, but you will get better, you will get stronger. What does your Mum say about a hospital stay?? It will give you the rest and care you need, it’s not anything to feel bad about, if you need to be looked after now then allow yourself to be looked after . I feel for you terribly. Whatever your communication problems where in the end there is another woman involved and this betrayal (in my book) is where you draw the line. People with communication problems (if the relationship is built on love and care) can get help if they want to move beyond the problems they are having. But he didn’t, instead he chose to punish you. I agree sometimes it’s best not to give all to your partner and find other people to talk to but thats a whole other book :). I’m so sorry it is so bad for you right now… hang on in there. i don’t know what else to say except we are still here listening to you. take care
My thoughts are with you Truthhurts wish I had words to say to you that would make you feel better …
It is good you though that you were strong enough not to engage in a conversation with him and even him contacting you showed a violation of your boundaries since you had asked him not to contact you anymore ..
I’m guilty of over-processing today. I talked with EUM this morning. We dated, then shifted gears into friendship (this was my decision, he seems too unavailable for a romantic relationship) He has been pulling away from the friendship lately, saying things like “I don’t want to disappoint you” and “I feel really bad that I cannot give you more” (because he is sooo busy).
While speaking with him, and afterwards, I kept feeling like I was being emotionally manipulated into feeling sorry for him because he feels so badly about being an EUM. I am wondering if my feelings are being played with by this guy.
Any advice ladies? I’m thinking of ending the friendship, because really, I’m not getting much of anything out of it!
I just don’t know how you actually let it, him, go. He’s always there, in my thoughts, like he was when we were together. Always thinking, not actioning. I don’t know how to correct that.
In the end…it all got too frustrating, tiring, silly, I knew I had to end the friendship, it was way too one sided. And yes, I felt I was being played with because this kind of connection was amusing enough for him and he could care less that it was not amusing and hurtful to me.
I go back and forth whether he is malicious or not, but now that I am in a month of NC, the great thing is…. it does not matter..every day I think and care less and less about him, and that is a beautiful thing !!
No contact was absolutely the way to go for me. It’s been a month and NC feels so right. NC could also be seen as a tool, you can try it and see if you like it.
HI Kali,
something happened to my post above, the first two paragraphs got cut off… here they are
I feel like I have walked in your exact shoes. It does not matter if the EUM is a friend or lover, mine always left me wanting. These guys never really understand the word give that comes with the concept of give and take.
My EUM friend sang the best poor pitiful me song, looking for sympathy, always saying how hard his life was, ( and of course his life is relatively charmed ) seemingly asking for my help in his own weird ways, listening to my helpful suggestions, nodding as if he understood, never doing any work to improve any of his or miy complaints.
( okay, to finish.. now read my above post :-))
Lisalisa: I empathize and I sympathize.
It would be so nice to wish him away. Whoosh, and he’s gone. Just like in the movies. In the movie, The Holiday, Kate Winslet, all of the sudden had an epiphany and was able to find gumption within herself. Her, “twisted, toxic relationship is over. I have a life to live, and you’re not going to be in it.” She then pushed him out the door, got on with her life, and went to an awards ceremony. There was Jack Black, who dumped his EUW. . .
Get this: I actually told my EUM that I knew I wasn’t Kate Winslet and that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. I accepted that, and I got it, but yet . . .
Here I sit, reading posts on this blog and others, reading self-help book after self-help book on this subject. You know what, it has helped. But, the pain and the obsession have not just disappeared for me. But, I am better.
I wish it was that easy, but it is not. When re-reading this particular article, it comes down to this: The evidence is there. This EUM might be there physically, but he is not there emotionally, and there is nothing that we can do about it.
Nothing, that is, except move on with our lives. And work on ourselves. That’s the hard part. It is work, work, work. And, in my case, on some days, I feel as if no work has been done, but yet. . .
I no longer fanticize that there will be an us. I have accepted that there won’t be an us. It sucks. But the acceptance was one small little step towards reclaiming me.
I was thinking, today, that if I had spent as much time on figuring me out, as I have on him, I might actually be further along in my healing process.
The obsessing is so draining. But, I am one to obsess, obsess, obsess. Even after I “action”, I still think. It’s in the way that I continue to look at new houses, even though I just bought one. The realtor told me that she has not had anyone do that before.
Some pathology there, in me, but that is another story.
I read, in one of the many hundreds of books that I have been reading on the EUM, that they will do whatever they have to to keep an entry into your psyche. Although they are not going to commit to you, they want the option of being able to come back, and thus ask for you to maintain a friendship. For me, that was exactly what happened.
I tried to be a friend, but I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t two seconds, before we were enmeshed again, my heart got broken, and etc.
I finally realized that I wouldn’t let a girlfriend treat me that way, so why was I allowing this crap to continue on a regular basis? That is when I found this website and went NC. For a few months; then wanted some answers. Never got the answers, but that time out, I wasn’t going to continue to try to be friends.
I just don’t think it is a real possibility. They are twisted men. They just are. In my case, I finally realized, recently, that I am a sucker for the Poor Pathetic Me routine. Poor him. If only anyone else understood him the way that I did, if only he wasn’t so busy, if only his daughter didn’t need him right now, etc.
Again, I don’t have answers for you, but what has helped me move on is reading the stories of the other women in this blog and finding tips that resonate . . .
Most recently, I have started to yell, very loudly, “stop” when I start to think of him. It has helped, a bit. I then think of something that I enjoy that doesn’t involve him.
BRAD- not caring about what he’s doing when we are no longer together is extremely difficult for me. i am concerned that he will make changes in himself and the other woman is going to benefit from the pure hell he has put me through. plus, it’s so hurtful when i know he’s moved on to someone else so quick when many days i have trouble eating and sleeping. it hurts like HELL to know he’s going to fall in love w/ someone else. maybe all it’s really going to take is some time to get over everything.
BRAD, DE and TRUTHHURTS… P.S. thank you for taking the time and responding to my comment. you don’t know how much they really and truly do help.
Hahaha..funny, I just googled ‘him’ after such a long time, cause there was a wee longing just to have a tiny bit of contact… and the message on google before clicking onto his site read…’this site might damage you computer’… yeah right… sooo right!! What a great message, the warning taken, I didn’t go there. The universe is telling me to stay away. I’m listening.
Hope you are feeling better Jennifer 🙂
I meant your… that faux pa was pretty accurate 🙂
aphrogirl
I cannot do full NC because we work in the same building. (that’s how we met) I have considered just being casual acquaintances and leaving it at that though.
His ‘poor me, pity me’ routine is starting to wear on my nerves. It’s like dealing with a 12 or 13 year old boy just entering puberty. There is just so much unnecessary drama. It’s very tiring.
He is very attractive, and knows it, and he relies so heavily on looks and charm. I see through it now, and it disgusts me.
@ JENNIFER – i just ready your comment. I TOTALLY understand how you feel.. My xEUM and i have been broken up a month, NC for two weeks as of today. I already know he’s in a new relationship with someone else and has blatantly made it a point to make it known he’s “in love” with this person although he told me two weeks ago, that he was still “in love” with me. I do still worry at times if he’s doing all the things with her that he did with me. Also worry about if his love for me is real. Is he really in love with her? Blah Blah.. Its normal. Its like How can he be so happy joy joy when I’m over here suffering? So I decided to take back my life, its not easy at all I swear to you, i cried last nite. But you have to take control. Do things that make u happy.I ask myself every time i start to obsess, ALEX, WHAT IS IT ABOUT HIM U ARE OBSESSING OVER? WAS HE GOOD TO YOU? DID HE RESPECT YOU? DID HE MAKE U FEEL SPECIAL?
I then get the true answer. NO, NO AND NO. For me I think I got used to having “someone” there, and now that the space is empty, I feel a little lost. So I do things to fill that void, I went and got my hair done, put on some make up, flirted with some guy at the gas station and slowly but surely i realized the obsessing about Him and her goes away, it comes back sometimes, but i ask myself again… ALEX WHY ARE U OBSESSING? WAS HE GOOD TO U? and so on. If he really cared, he would not have put me in the position that I’m in today.
WE ALL DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I’m not going to sit here and be sad while he LIVES it up. When i start to feel down, I force myself to get up and do something for ME. Always remember YOU come first. I know its hard because now there’s that void there and it dont help when he’s out there being lovey dubey with the next woman.
But trust, a leopard DOES NOT change its spots. For me I kno he was a complete Jerk when I was with him and he’ll be a complete Jerk to her.. HECK! He was a jerk to her when they were “just friends”. When i obsess, i start to laff at them. Laff at him because he’s an idiot, and laff at her because she’s a bigger idiot and I am smarter than the two of them put together.
I’m no longer going to dehydrate myself by shedding tears over an EUM. I need my water to keep ME hydrated..so I can think clearly.
*hugss*
Alexandria’s last blog post..MrsGottabodie: takn kids to school . im tired. no work for me today!
Jennifer,
If he is not doing any ‘work’ on himself spiritually or other… he will do exactly the same to the next girl, by his very nature. If you must make a fantasy, (and I say this from experience) go a bit easier on yourself and give yourself fantasies of all the meanness in him and project that into his next relationship and you will feel better that someone else is putting up with it, and feel sorry for her, it is closer to the truth of what will happen!!!. This helped me from getting into ‘the other girl gets more than me thinking’, it gave me a rest from the pain and gave me another story to think about and kind of made me feel better, although it might be a while before you allow yourself to want to feel better, know that that’s part of it and the wanting to feel better will take time, I hope you get there soon, then it will get better. Try to leave yourself alone for a bit, you are already so hurt, don’t beat yourself up more, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. He will do the same to the next person, don’t think anyone gets a good deal with this guy, and if they do it will only be to hook them in till he shows his true colors. There is a great posting here, not sure something like ‘why her not me’, it’s a great read.. xx Strength 🙂
Thanks for your thoughts Brad. I am already seeing a psychologist but I will certainly mention this to her. I don´t think I blame myself for what happened back then or now with the EUM. But it does worry me how matter of fact I take these intrusions in my life from the EUM. I simply don´t know if I would be overreacting (due to the trauma) in finding his contacting me as crossing boundaries.
But I guess since it doesn´t feel good that automaticly means he IS crossing my boundaries.
Brad you are amazing!!!! ::))
thanks to all that read and responded to my comments. your words have really helped me.
Hi Everyone,
I need some good advise. I have had a crush on this guy since grad 7. We had a couple of flings in highschool but nothing to serious. Anyways after highschool we drifted apart and didnt talk for 4 years. I contacted him on facebook and so we met up. I had always thought about him and wanted to see if my feelings were still there. They definately were. The 2nd time we met up I admitted my feelings to him and we slept together. We continued to sleep together for about 4 months and the majority of the time it was me putting in all the effort. He did say at the beginning he didnt want anything serious but the nieve girl that I am figured his feelings would grow for me. Out of know where he says we cant do it anymore because my feelings for him are to strong and that he doesnt want me to get really hurt.
Its been just over a month since he ended things with me and i still think about him about a million times a day. I have tried many times to convince him to continue the fling with me but he wont. He actually probably thinks I am a total whacko!!
Please help me get over him…its controlling me life.
That is the only way I can not think about him is to keep myself busy
I notice whenever I am doing nothing my thoughts drift to him which birngs about a desire to contact him but when Im busy and keep myself occupied he doesn’t enter my thoughts .. this is three months into no contact
Also like someone else does I also find it works to say stop giving him the time of day and force with effort my thoughts to think about other stuff .. this does take work.. and it is work to stay away
The other thing is to keep in reality ..
Why do you want to be friends with someone who disrepected you in a major way lied to you not just once but again and again .. didn’t you humiliate yourself the enough the first time round that you want a second dose ??? this usually brings me back to reality and I leave the phone alone and do other stuff ..
It is hardwork and takes an effort though but it is better than not getting on with your own life cos also he is not thinking about you …. I just say hey he probably doesn’t even remember your name by now ..
Hi,
I’m at 4 months of NC. I just found out my ex is still with the woman he was cheating on me with for the entire year we were together. I’m still looking for reasons to blame myself. This post is just bang on. I don’t miss the drama and the lies, but need to continually try hard to silence the “what could I have done differently to make him commit to me?” question that keeps going through my brain. I know I’ve got to work at it. Does it eventually get any easier and go away?
Cornelia
I know what you mean- im 4months myself and while it does get easier the more time passes its incredible how we can find ourselves still thinking about these men. I know I do.
I still ask myself the question if there was anything that i could have done for things to have turned out differently and all the why’s that come with that. I am grateful for getting through the first couple of months however– which were pure hell and now I can say that I can at least breathe a little easier with much less pain. The one thing that I continue to tell myself is that I deserve much more than that and that only I can change who and what I allow into my life. Shame on them for not appreciating the things that we brought to the relationship. In the end, for me, it would have been nice to know that he no longer wanted something with me……..I could have respected that. But when someone tries to take advantage, string you along and lie about it to your face……thats when it becomes much more hurtful and disrespectful. I know I asked the question (because I felt something was up) many times…and always got the same answer: No, that is all in your head! I love you. Why do you keep thinking these things (as if it were me who was wrong). In the end I think that is what hurt me the most. The fact that he held on to me instead of letting me go. I had to do and figure this out for myself and end the relationship rather than him having the deceny to step up to the plate. Now, every once in awhile I still wonder why i wasnt enough but I now know that with these men it isnt about us…. its about the lack of integrity, conscious, consideration, respect, honesty (I can go on) that is soo lacking in their character. Im sure there wasnt anything that you nor I could have done differently to have had them remain committed to us… they are just not capable. So now the new girl has to figure this out for herself. And I just tell myself… either she is willing to accept his bad behaviour or she just hasnt realized who he really is yet. Just be glad that we did and that we were strong enough not to allow someone to continue to treat us that way. In the end, its about how he treated us regardless of how he is treating the next person. For whatever reason, they cheated and lied…..and whether or not he is doing the same with the other girl is really not my concern…….my concern is…. you didnt appreciate nor value ME or OUR relationship…….and that is all I need to know that I should be with you.
Stay strong…….with time it does get better!!! 🙂
Correction: That is all I need to know to NOT be with you 😉
KAREN- your post sounds like i could of written it myself. it gives me hope to see that other wonderful women CAN actually move on….i know it takes time. but we can get there.
Karen–
When you bring up that you do not like how you are being treated and a man tells you in response, “No, you’re wrong…I really love you,” he is really telling you that you are analyzing the facts wrong…that you should not trust your judgment of the facts. (!!!)
This is the crux of how these types of men get away with their behavior, and string you, and sometimes other women, along. It’s called “crazy-making behavior” for this reason!
I always wonder: do they figure in their little heads that women do not “deserve” respect because they choose to believe them? What goes on in their heads, exactly? No matter what it is, it has to be based on pure selfishness; right?
This is why men don’t get why women stay, and then get upset about how they were treated later.
I don’t see how women do the self-blaming, to be honest. I just see the pattern of all women choosing to believe these men when so many facts and so much evidence shows that they should not. When the guy tells you, “I love you,” you will want to believe him. And that is the clincher.
Used:
Yes I agree and as a women who HAD bad relationship habits– this has been my biggest lesson (I say HAD because it helps me to continue to work hard on the “NEW ME” 🙂 Once again– that is why at the beginning we blame ourselves (that is our lack of self esteem talking– and essentially the problem) and only later after much thought and reflection do we realize that it is “WE” as women who have to become more savvy and or have better boundries etc… in order to not get caught up in these types of situations (hence me being on this site). Unfortunately I was one of those women who wanted to believe more in the words than in the actions. Who didnt pay more attention to her gut feeling and got caught up in the “crazy making”. I didnt love myself enough to trust myself more than I trusted him and I certainly didnt love myself enough to not have to settle for crumbs. The issue wasnt essentially what he was doing or not doing– but more so, what was I doing in response to that and what was going on. These men exist and I cannot change them or that fact, nor what they do but I can change whether or not I respond to these types of men or better yet— not respond at all!!! So, he may have had his cake and ate it too (and he certainly got a big bite out of me) but not gonna focus my energy on WHY he is the way he is……or WHY he did it etc…. gonna focus more on why I allowed myself to be there for soo long and what I can do for myself to ensure that it doesnt happen again. As far as im concerned, he would have strung me along as long as he could as long as I would have allowed him to. And like you said: Yes– it has to come from selfishness for these men to actually think that it is ok to do this all the while saying to themselves: “oh well… i dont have to take any responsibility for taking someone on a joy ride”. What lack of empathy and consideration that is to KNOW that you are lieing and that the other person is more “invested” emotionally and to choose to take advantage of that anyway (it makes me sick) That is why I have set out to make sure this doesnt happen to me again. He was my stepping stone, my “epiphany relationship” but i sure as heck will make sure that the next time, I listen to my gut, that i believe the facts and that I do not allow an I LOVE YOU to cloud my thinking. And ladies– the key to all of this is really valuing and loving ourselves and making sure that we are not STARVING for love because seriously, if I would have loved myself more HIS I love you wouldnt have meant that much. In fact, like NML says all the time: How do we expect someone else to love and value and appreciate us if we dont even feel that way about ourselves? The universe can only send us and match what our own expectations are… lets make sure we set our standards and expectations high (or work on that part of ourselves) to make sure what we get back is exactly what we expected and deserve. What do you want and deserve? Do you feel you even deserve it? What ever answer you give is what your gonna get…. so make sure before you venture out there again you got this part pretty downpacked and you actually believe it… i know im trying to make sure of that! 😉
Karen~ Your comment is right on!
“What lack of empathy and consideration that is to KNOW that you are lieing and that the other person is more “invested†emotionally and to choose to take advantage of that anyway (it makes me sick) That is why I have set out to make sure this doesnt happen to me again.”
Amen and good for you, Karen. THis is so true and I’m with you and vow to do everything possible not to let it happen again. I’ve learned so much from reading your posts. Thank you.
Brad thanks so much for your comments. Its great to hear a guys perspective.
While we were sleeping together i would always say how into him I was and that if feelings werent mutual then it needed to stop, it was like he always knew what to say. He would say things like “i wouldnt be doing this if i didnt like you”. But then at the end he says “well i told you from the beginning I didnt want anything serious” like wtf???
He wants to just stay friends now but how can I do that when my feelings for him are so strong and will just want to be with him. Also I dont want to lose him and we have mututal friends that will wonder about us. Our 4 month fling is a secret.
Also Brad what do you mean by your first line?
“Why did you distrust and disrespect him so much that you disbelieved him – considered him a liar – when he said he didn’t want anything serious?”
I feel so incredibly stupid tonight because my EUM has been blowing me off for a week ever since we had sex, (first time) and I humiliated myself today by sending him an email that basically said “Im still here, still want you”. I don’t know why I left the door open for him to just waltz back in whenever he wants. Now that I realize how dumb that is I feel too stupid to email him back and say “nevermind”. I know I just need to get on with my life but I don’t understand how he could be so complimentary about me, and say he wanted to see me again and then blow me off with no explanation. I just don’t understand men. I am trying so hard not to obsess about this but it’s all I think about and keep asking WHY? I know that he probably will never tell me why and I need to move on. I keep wondering what I did wrong. I dont know why he cant just tell me. Why does it hurt so much when guys blow you off?
Hi BR
I know it really hurts when you can’t find the answer to situations like these. It is one of the worst places to be in – doubting your self, reliving every second trying to find the answer and wondering if things could have been different … but the things is the past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change things.
I did the exact same thing to my first EUM – I sent him drunk texts telling him I missed him and wished he was still with me. I even ended up one night at his doorstep *cringe* … I hated that I chased and chased and chased, which resulted in me with depression. He made me doubt myself so much because he told me he promised he would stay in my life and he never, he would text me when he wanted attention but when I asked to meet up he would decline. So I stopped. Unfortunately I was still hung up on him after 5 months, and I had never resolved any of my self-esteem issues, which was why I ended up with my next EUM.
It took a lot in me and some major knock backs to finally kick my arse into gear and to finally listen to my inner voice and tell them to get the heck out my life. BR you need to concentrate on yourself, because you know yourself that you will not get an answer. I know it is hard not to obsess, but you need to draw a line at this point now. You have sent the email but DO NOT send another, not even to say ‘nevermind’. You need to go cold turkey and keep on the no contact, it may just be the best thing you ever do because once the tinted glasses are off, and you have the chance to saw the situation at an objective stance you will be surprised at how much clarity you can have. You will look at this and think ‘I cannot believe I got myself into that’.
Be prepared though because once you stop contacting him, and he realises that he isn’t getting his ego fix from you he may start contacting YOU. This is exactly what both my EUMs did. My EUMs did not tell me to go away because they loved me chasing them – it made them feel like a ‘man’. They basked in the glorry of having women chasing them and telling them how much they are needed, and once that attention is gone they want it back. But don’t make the mistake of taking the assclown back again, and again, because you may find yourself in my situation that sees him running away … again. Have a look at NML’s pushy pulley posts, or blowing hot and cold posts.
Like I said – have no contact, concentrate on your life, and try to figure out way you chase unavailable men. I know it hurts now, but it will pass. Trade your rose tinted glasses in for some sunglasses for the summer 🙂
Hi all really need some advice on how to move on,not sure what way to turn or if anything im doing is right
I was,up until 2 weeks ago,with a married man for five years i waited in the wings as i got al the usual reasons for him not leaving,then we agreed that he couldnt leave bcos of his children but that wed carry on seeing each other,then a few mnths ago he told me he was going to leave again with no pressure frm me so i was waiting to see what woulb happen but his wife has found out and thrown him out,he still sees his kids but wnt have anything to do with me he just says his feelings have changed that i was a mistake and that his kids are all thats important,if that was the case i asked why he hadnt ended it ages ago and his response is that he was scared of me and that i would tell his wife,and that he dosent love me anymore after 5 years so why am i still holding out any hope on someone who longer has any feelings for me,he has been ignoring all texts and calls until a few days ago and has now agreed to meet me somewhere public but says he dnt see the point as his feelings havent changed but all i want is an explanation of why i am taking all the blame and mayb if he tells me to my face how he feels instead of on the phone then mayb it will sink in
should i meet him to hear that do you think it will help me move on or should i just not go i really dnt know what to do and i dnt understand where the person i use to be has gone
please help any advice is welcome
Thanks for the advice. What kills me the most is not knowing why. I know in the end it doesnt matter, but I hate the not knowing. I could never understand how a guy can be so loving and so caring one minute and literally by the next day he’s out. I just do not understand.
Amazing to read of experiences so similar to my own. Yet, still seek more confirmation.
I met a man last June–(works with child behavioural issues). He text me incessantly which took me by suprise and I perceived all the texting to be, because he really liked me and wanted to get to know me. He has a fantastic intellect and can be extremely challenging within conversation, which I have liked . From the beginning of the relationship, he spoke of ‘power and control’ issues, and how relationships need to be built on autonomy and equality. I agree.
He lives in another town about two hours drive away and I have been travelling there every two weeks. He travels here each week for work and occassionally spends the night here.
Over the course of the relationship, I have noticed how his actions do not align with his words and I have found that disconcerting coming form someone who claims to have so much knowledge and eexperience. He is 45years old.
I ended the relationship 6 weeks ago after a string of events.
1. He came to my house and openly flirted with a flatmate. Telling me that “we had been set up by the flatmates’,
2. A message from another woman popped up on his computer when I was using it. He deleted her profile telling me it was of no consequence to him whether she was there and it was a profile he should of deleted a long time ago and didnt get round to it. He appeared completley innocent and suprised that I was so concerned by it. ???Cant make sense of that one. He said the last time he used yahoo was to message his brother. Hes not interested in it. It bores him. As most people are’doughnuts’.
3. He began to make regular statements -” I am selfish, lack impulse contol etc.” Speaking of himself.
4. When I spoke of making future plans he felt anxious as he would say there is no certainty. ‘Lets see how things develop’.
After ending it and trying to bring some closure into my life and move on, he texts me and wants to get back together. He tells me that he had been living with so much pain and did not want to admit to himself that he cared and with the breakup realised he did. We did a lot of talking and yes I am back. And, so why am I on this site. Why am I plagued with so much indeciceveness and uncertainty? I have four children, three whom live at home and have mentioned twice that I would like him to get to know them. Yesterday he told me we have not even known each other a year and as we are in an adult relationship if anything should go wrong it would have a negative impact on the children. I agee. Yet I have bonded with his boy, and he recognises the connection there. And. he tells me that he doesnt think about whether he wants to be with me or not. He jst knows that he wants to be with me and that we should only envisage joy joy joy and not pain pain pain. So. why would he say to me “if my place was bigger you could bring the children down” then say he needs more time to get to know me before bringing the children into it. six months into the relationship he was telling me he wanted to get me pregnant and that I would have his name!!
I understand that he has a painful, violent past. And i know that he views the world in a very different way which I like. His ideas are refreshing. So. Why doesnt it feel right? I know that I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. Im suggesting that he is misunderstood. Im hoping that everything I came to believe about him via the breakup is not true. I would like him to be a part of my life, my family`s, and he knows that and he is holding back. It has almost been a year of talking and getting to know each other. Isnt that enough time? If you cared about somebody wouldnt you want to get to know their children?
I would appreciate some non biased advice.
This is a man who values his freedom.
Brad
Thanks, i did meet with him and we talked and i feel like now i can move on, he was still trying to reel me back in after all that he said saying that in time who knows what might happen but i did not allow myself to believe him this time .
i have accepted that it wil still hurt for a while and there will always be unanswered questions but that its time to let go
After much soul searching i have realised that i must have had self esteem issues to ever get involved with someone who was already taken and although it was him who constantly pursued me i should have had enough dignity to say no,so instead of concentrating on what could have been i shall now be concentrating on my own issues and put my own life back together,thanks for your help
Hi Brad – thanks again!
I have totally made a fool of myself i did basically beg him to continue and said some stuff that was pretty whacko. I do recognize that for sure and it actually makes me laugh – he was totally like a drug to me. I feel like a total idiot though knowing he prob thinks I am a whack job.
Should I bother trying to explain myself (for my own sake to feel better)?
Its just killing me i cant get him out of my head and i know i shouldnt but I always wonder if he thinks about me.
Also it was the best sex we both had – why would he want to stop?!?!
Brad – 1 last thing…
I have written quite a few texts to him asking (almost begging) him to continue and while he says he wants to he also says its not a good idea and has actually asked me to stop writing him those awkward texts. I have totally come across as a whack job and honestly I am not – should I try to explain myself or just leave it alone and let him think whatever??
Also thanks so much for your words – this is fantastic. But also reading your stuff makes me totally think its all my fault and while i shouldnt be angry at him i totally am!!
Miss Hurt,
I don’t know your whole story, but it sounds familar to mine. I came off sounding crazy when I found out he’d been spending significant time with his ex. Ended up feeling like I was obsessive and insecure and that is probably how I got described to his friends. But what he probably didn’t tell them was that he lied to me about who he was spending the day with. We can’t undo our past actions, we can only try to learn from them and not do the same in the future.
Tomorrow will be my one week of No Contact, today has been hard. Been thinking about him alot. Have to keep reminding myself he is not a healthy person to have in my life. A relationship with me was not a priority for him. I deserve to be a priority in someone’s life.
Hang in there, together we’ll all get through it and get healthier.
Thanks Brad for the advice. You made it sound so simple.
To be honest, Im not sure what Im going to do or even what I want to do.
I think I need more than luck.
cara, what did you mean by this statement: “Im hoping that everything I came to believe about him via the breakup is not true.” ?
When I ended the relationship. I began to search for some answers and came across literature about manipulators.
And had convinced myself that, that was what he was. Then when he came back after two weeks, I succumbed. Its crazy. It really is.
I dont know what else it is going to take for me to discover truth. Is this guy a narcississt, a manipulator and EU or all the above.
I like to think he really does care…
That maybe he doesnt know his own mind.
What I mentioned in my earlier post are only some of the things that went on. It has felt like at times that you say the sky is blue, believe it to be blue, know its blue and someone comes along and tells you that it is green.
What else do I need to hear? When I said to him that he indicated to me that we had a future,by mentioning marriage and babies, he says “I was only speaking generally, thats something we could of done”. Eh?? Did I not hear I want to get you pregnant. Stop taking the pill.
Aint it awful. It feels like youre going crazy at times. And. You know what. I dont like playing games.
my ex left our LTR 6 months ago. He recently contacted me as he wanted to talk about what we’ve both been going through. He said he’s starting to understand a little bit of what I’m feeling but wanted to get a better perspective. Well, you left, it hurts, I am doing my best to get on with life. He said sometimes he misses me and it hurts. I do genuinely love him. I do want him to be happy. I do see my part in this. I couldn’t be best friends instantly. He didn’t seem to understand that, in fact, he suggested we remain living together. Um…no. I don’t see how our relationship could have stayed together without real counselling. I suggested it, he didn’t want it. So I am going on my own, to take a deep look at myself and improve me. And I’m doing great at that. Yet I still wish there was a chance for us. Do I lay my cards on the table 6 months down the track to say I do love you and want to be together, or am I just setting myself up for another rejection.
Brad K, when I tried to break up with a man that I “tried it out” with (dating), he pushed it to become a relationship and I realized I was getting myself knee deep in something that I don’t want–so he repeatedly begged me to stay with him and give it one more chance. I was SO turned off I couldn’t believe it, and it made me feel guilty as hell for everything. We had spent barely a month together and I just knew I didn’t want to stay with someone like him because he needed to experience things I was already long past, lessons I’ve learned and didn’t want to torture not myself nor him in the process of how obnoxious it would be to go over things with him while he’s in the background trying to catch up with me. He convinced me into staying with him a bit longer, but I question how good I’m being to myself daily. He DOES treat me very well as far as affection, attention, and listening goes, but I know I’m settling for someone who’s mentally 1 mile behind. What to do?
Thanks again Brad!!!
I always get urges to text him and its like i cant not text him so i do and end up looking even more like a whack job…I just so want to move on.
Right now I am on day 4 of NC and really guys are simple they care or they dont and since he hasnt written me guess he just doesnt care.
Hi I need advice.
I broke up with my EU bf after a recent explosive event. I had been wanting to leave the relationship for a while, but knew that if I did I would come crawling back. Rather than breaking up knowing this, I waited until I knew I wouldn’t crawl back to leave. I had suspicions that he had cheated on me a few days before his birthday (while I was sick in bed with pnemonia). He had never cheated on me before and actually lost his virginity to me, so it was pretty hard for me to believe. Like a dumbass, I still bought him some birthday presents and took him out to the casino.
About a week later I find the windows of my cars smashed. (One of his assclown friends) did it. The next day, I ind all the evidence I need about the cheating. He in fact did sleep with some girl in the living room of some party. What really disgusts me is the following. A few days after the day he cheated. I slept with him ( i didn’t know he cheated). The asshole haad the nerve to complain “I am sick of using condoms. why don’t you get birth control.” I am allergic to birth control. It hurt that he had no regard for my heath by trying to force birth control on me. But what hurt even more was that the girl he cheated on me with was on birth control!! (I had suspected thats where he had got the idea to suggest birth control to me at the time -from cheating- but I wasnt sure if he had cheated at that point). Well anyways, I dumped the dirtbag. I have not contacted him for 2 weeks and ignored his measly instant message and even more pathetic email.
I need help though. I cannot stop replaying him sleeping with this girl in my head. I am defintiely obsessing over that and it makes me sick. I am also obsessing over not kicking him to the curb sooner (like the weekend he cheated and his behavior was clearly meaner than usual) and the act that i actually gave this urchin birthday presents! How do I get this crap out of my head! I don’t want him back, but the pain of cheating is intense, and I can’t seem to forgive myself for being nice to him and buying him presents (when I had suspicians he was cheating, but no evidence).
Hayley,
You have started down a tough road – leaving that bozo behind. Going your own way is a change, and change is measured in pain and discomfort. Yes, it hurts, this is part of grieving the loss of someone significant in your life. Denial that he is gone for good, anger at him for forcing the break, bargaining to undo the loss, depression over being alone and being unsure whether you contributed to mess – all definite and distinct stages of grief. Eventually, you should get to acceptance that he is gone, acceptance that you made the right call, for good enough reasons. But that comes later.
Breaking the cycle of obsessing is going to take time, and work, and likely guidance from a trusted, respected counselor. I know that since you are not with him, that what he does, and who he is with now doesn’t matter at all. Who he cheated with, when and why, while you were together no longer matter to anyone you care about.
It may help you to read NML’s ebook on Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Sometimes information – understanding what happened, why this painful ending was unavoidable because of who you chose to be with, and why you chose that type of guy – sometimes the information helps.
But more importantly, gathering information distracts you from thinking about what the bozo and whatever mess he is involved with. You can decide to control the obsession, by keeping some activity at hand that you can concentrate on each time and every time you start to think about him.
Right now you are trying to project yourself onto him, to understand what drew him to this other woman. You are trying to project yourself onto her, to understand why she intruded into your life, second hand.
Cheating is actually pretty simple. Cheating is a failure of character. Cheating. The name itself displays the deceit, the disloyalty and disrespect for self and others. The actual acts of cheating are mere lurid details – don’t lose site of the main issue. He has no character. Whatever attracted you to him, whatever comfort you got from the relationship – it wasn’t because he was a good man, one that was likely to ever be worth your time.
Instead of focusing on the sex, and the condoms, and the risk of exposure to STD’s – focus on why you put up with a man with no character.
If you wanted a partner to be a life mate – you would have expected nothing less than respect, honor, honesty, compassion, etc. Instead you have a perpetual dater in your past, a sex adventurer. He was someone who’s goal in life is to win bed partners. He doesn’t respect you now, he likely never really did. Men don’t change. Change is uncomfortable, hurtful, even. As long as he believes his “winning ways” for winning bed partners works – he ain’t changing nothing essential.
If he had been a man, and the relationship was over for him, he would have ended with you – before even noticing another woman.
You can do yourself the most good by cutting contact with him and his destructive, violent life, and his thug buddies. If you need shelter from risk of physical harm – contact a shelter, right now. Breaking car windows is not a prank, it is a violent criminal act. It is scary, and you should be concerned about your safety.
If you keep thinking of him, try reading. If you find you keep reading the same text and don’t remember what you read – copy the book onto paper, use a pen or pencil. Practice, each time you start thinking of him – do something else. Eventually the rest of life will fill the part of your thoughts that he has stolen from you.
Luck!
WOW…reading all of these comments I must say I don’t feel so alone in the relationships boat. I met this man…and we connected on various levels. I was cautious at first…gave him every opportunity to walk away but he stuck…telling me he wanted to start a life with me…I was his bright shiny lighthouse…doll of his dreams the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I moved to be near him, changed jobs and all that…(he couldnt come to me..military)…then when things got close he bolted. I became a lunatic..because I wanted what he promised…prior to coming there i asked him one last time did he really want to do this..he said yes…i told him I didnt want to get there and be dumped when the going got rough…i guess i knew…what would inevitiably happen. Now we are done…and I can’t stop obsessing…I can’t stop picking it apart analyzing and thinking it was all my fault..if i had just backed off and given him his space…to get his head together….but would it really??? I have such anxiety i can’t sleep or eat….how can i break this chain….and close the door and stop the thoughts of wanting to work it out when there is nothing to work out???
Hi Brad,
Thank-you for your response. The window thing was very scary. I would’ve ended it based on that alone.
It’s funny you mention this:
“Instead of focusing on the sex, and the condoms, and the risk of exposure to STD’s – focus on why you put up with a man with no character.”
Over the last few days I have been evaluating his character. A week ago, I couldn’t see how this man who I thought had genuine feelings turned on me. After careful examination, I realized I had been fooling myself the whole time. He has behaved terribly throughout the relationship. He has hung out with idiots throughout. I always (for some reason) seperated him form his crowd. Idolizing him and wondering why he hangs out with jerks, giving him too much credit. Now I realize he is one in the same with the immoral trash he hangs around with.
This is the second time I have been in a relationship where I have been belittled, humiliated and stabbed in the back in favor of his friends (whether I knew it or not at the time). I can honestly say never again. I am looking forward to meeting an honorable man to share the rest of my life with, no more of this kiddie shit. It has been over 2 weeks since I left him, and exactly two weeks since i told him to pound sand and initiated no contact. He tried to contact me a few times since then. Fortunately for me, I am sticking to the silent treatment, because I have no intentions of ever talking to him again. For one, I wouldn’t treat an enemy with the inconsideration he treated me with, and I was suppose to be his lover! It is all laughable. I love what you said about people never changing. You’re right, he was always a jerk, and I don’t have to consult my magic 8 ball to know that it is “very doubtful” there will be any changes in the future.
Hey Brad,
my friend ran into him at a pub this weekend. He was hitting on all the women and giving them the sob story that “his friends dragged him out to the bars (hes actually a chronic drinker) because he is heartbroken, because HIS GIRLFRIEND CHEATED ON HIM AND DUMPED HIM!!! Wow thats funny! I didn’t cheat on him, he cheated on me! He is a clown! His behavior is laughable. Thank-you for your well wishes! I need all the positive energy I can get!
I stumbled on this site when I googled : How to get over a realtionship with a married man:” THANK GOD i found it, It has given me so much clarity and resolve. My story is embarrassing due to the fact that as a highly successful educated business woman I thougt I would never get into a situation like this, My AC dated me for over a year before one night he finally told me he was married. He travels alot and has a home in DC , AZ and TX, He woudl fly in we woudl hook up and then spend countless hours on the phone, There were red flags that I chose to ignore because I thougt “Why would he ever lie to me” I am a great woman” well I have came to realize incredibly naive. once I found out he was married I was devastated and broke things off for almost an entire day! we continued the relationship and i tried very hard to understand and believe all his BS. He constantly told me that I was his best friend and I shared more with him and told him more about me than I had to anyone. It wasnt until last week when he proposed a road trip for this summer, Driving from Dc to Dallas ( sounded like so much fun) that he said once we got to Atlanta he would need to see some relatives and that I could just hang out at the hotel for a couple of days that it “FULLY” dawned on me that “I was a fool”. Sitting in a hotel room for two days while he visited with relatives was totally rediculous, ( I pictured myself lying inthe floor board as we left town for fear that “His Realtives might see me”. Something so deep inside finally rose to the surface …MY SELF ESTEEM and i truly reailzed that this was insane and that i deserved more than being the OW. So I ave not spoke to him or had any contact with him and the day i made this decision I found this site, I sat and read everything I could and it has given me great strength, and when i feel the urge to call him I pull this site up and read away, it gives me strength to stand firm.
I am battling missing him so much even the ends of my hair hurt, he has said he loves me and I am the best woman he knows, I now know that he is has mastered the art of seduction and I have been his soft place to land with absoulutely no strings attached, The fact that I could never ever TRUST HIM, no matter how painful is helping me get over him, It is a painful process but with all your help and support I know I will eventually be fine. Thank you so much
i don’t even know if i’m posting this thought in the right place but everyone seems so helpful. i have an online friend who became my lover a couple of months ago. right after i returned from my visit to him he texted me everyday 100 times, called me every night, talked about our future together, etc. then sometimes he go MIA and says he was on maneuvers. he’s a military guy. we’ve only been together in person 1 weekend and that was a couple of months ago. now the communication is falling off on his side. so i pulled back on communication. soon as i did he’s texting like mad again. he will be spending a week of his leave with me. the other week with his parents. he’s bought the ticket. so i know he’s committed to the week. i haven’t caught him in any bad behavior to date – kinda hard 3000 miles away. yet i can’t shake this feeling that he’s playing me and sending similar texts of undying affection to other women. he asked me to be his girl but doesn’t change his status on any of his social media pages nor does he ever post on mine. not once. it’s like he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re lovers much less friends. since he’s been on leave at his parents i get texts only at certain times which makes me think of the post on this site about how to spot a player. i’ve given him ample opportunity to change his ticket and not come but he insists he wants to be with me. but he hasn’t booked the hotel (i live with my sister). he said he would pay for the whole week. i think he’s gonna come up with some excuse why he can’t book it so i’ll have to pay. he spews all this ‘i hope we fall in love’ stuff via text but i just can’t reconcile it with his actions. if he really felt so strongly, why would he not do anything to come see me before now? and why would he not already book a place to stay? and why is he giving me the neutral friend-style texts while he’s at home? am i being over paranoid? how can i stop doubting and enjoy the week we’re gonna have together or can i know for certain i’m being played and kick him to the curb?
Lorraine:
hmmmm… re-read your post. I think you already have the answer to your question. There is so much doubt in your post about this man…go with your gut feeling…you’re feeling it for a reason and dont get blindsided by “thinking” that its you, or that you’re paranoid or anything else. You said: “How can i stop doubting and enjoy the week we’re gonna spend together”? I think the question should be: Why do you want to spend a week with someone who makes you feel this doubtful when he is away? Its when he is away that would count most to reassure you that things are ok..or to atleast be consistent not for the one week out of many that he gets to play “fun” and be on his “best behaviour” with you until he goes back and then what?
I would not grant him “being his girlfriend” until he has proven to you that he deserves to have you as his girlfriend….place value on yourself and let him know that its not just a “title” for you… that it actually means he needs to back that up with being present in the relationship. At the very least, the week that he is here you should be having a detailed conversation of what your expectations are if he really plans and wants you to be his girlfriend and then give him some time (while he is away) to see if his actions match his words before you say yes to the girlfriend part. I would say go with your gut feeling however, us women tend to not listen to that enough when we really should! I think you already have your answer though. Good luck! 😉
I just wanted to respond to Miss Confused, I know she’s probably not reading this anymore but I just wanted to say: you’re not alone. I hope you’ve moved on at least a little bit since getting that CRACKHEAD out of your life. His behavior reminds me of my ex. Especially the blaming, silent treatment and the funniest one: asking for money at the end of the relationship for all the money he as ‘spent’ while being together with me. Rent? Gas Money? Come on. It’s like asking money back for any gifts he ever bought you or if or when he took you to dinner. Completely innappropriate and it certainly doesn’t make any sense.
I was just having this discussion with one of my bestfriends who has just come out of a 4 year relationship.
In many of the previous relationship discussions that we had, she was talking about how much she missed her ex and that she would have totally taken him back.
Then last night we have this kind of breakthrough conversation, where we both realised that we had been spending too much focus on the past and not enough on the present.
How many times have we been in a relaitonship and thought, “Man I miss being Single” and how many times have we been single and thought “Man I really want a great relaitonship”.
The truth is … that we are always looking for something that we dont have!
This causes pain on our behalf and then sense that somehow we are incomplete.
This is simply not true. And if we learnt to really embrace the current situation and learn as much as possible in whatever martial status you are operating at.
We would be so much more happier!!
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OMG! I found this site because my latest relationship has ended and I wanted to know more about what I did to contribute to it, and how to avoid those things in the future. Instead I’m seeing that over the years, for the most part, MR. UNAVAILABLE has always been my type, not just this time. It hurts so much to know that I have wasted so much time on the wrong guys! I’m in my late 30’s now and I only wish I had figured it out sooner. Today I can finally know and see what the problem is. For that I am thankful. Ladies please help me out. How do you stop repeating the pattern?
OK, here is my hopeful two cents about getting over an EUM. I recently visited with a good friend of mine from years ago… I had literally been OBSESSED with her brother for nearly a year of my life (when we were “dating”), and it took me at least a year to get over the havoc he wreaked on my sense of self. He was the classic kid from a screwed-up family whom I wanted to save… we were friends for 6 months and during that time he slowly sucked me into a “relationship” — only to start the classic push-pull that I hear all of you ladies lamenting! It is so true!!! But I was so deeply in love by that point that nothing else mattered but the crumbs that he threw me. After my friend’s visit, I went back and re-read all of my journal entries about my time with him… and was shocked by how much he caused me to question myself, my worthiness, my choices in life, my everything. And all the while I was seeing none of it and assuming (like we all do) that it was ME. He really did a job on my self-esteem. But being almost 7 years out of that period of my life… it is amazing to realize how little I think of him. When at one point, he was the ONLY focus in my life. It is sad to say that I recently got out of a “relationship” with yet another EUM… all along the way with the new guy, though, I could hear my gut screaming “RED FLAG!” Honestly, I chose not to listen. He pushed my attraction buttons like few people have… and I just wanted that feeling again. BUT during the whole thing, part of me was acting as a 3rd party observer and trying to see it for what it was, even though I was choosing (unwisely) to continue. So in that respect, I feel that I have come a long way from the me who was so easily fooled before. I guess what I’m trying to say is just remember to enjoy the small victories along the way. If you sense your EUM doing something that sets off warning bells, congratulate yourself for making a mental note of it. Even if you aren’t able to cut and run right away… awareness is SO crucial to the (sometimes long and agonizing) process of weaning yourself off of these destructive relationships. I still to this day hope that my latest EUM miraculously changes and realizes what a great thing he had in me… and comes back with a ring in hand. But I’m not holding out for it anymore… which is a huge step forward. For as heartbroken as I still am, I try to just go with it on the days that the nostalgia wells up, listen to all the songs that remind me of him, let myself dream and hurt and obsess… all while realizing that at least this time I can see him for what he is. With the first guy years ago, I was CONVINCED that he was my soul-mate and that no one would ever understand me and be to me what he was. It is actually kind of scary looking back. But this time, I didn’t let myself fall in love… my head played a part in things… and whether or not THAT is healthy (the self-censorship of my emotions!), I am at least able to walk away this time. I don’t know… I realize this is a lot of rambling, but I just needed to say to all of you — if this is your first time with an EUM, I SO feel your pain. It is one of the most confusing and painful and frustrating experiences that we can have. Especially when, in most other areas of our lives, we are smart, capable, and generally confident women. I loved what NML said in her book about our tendency to “chase emotions” and desire the men who make us “feel” something. What the hell is up with that! But yet it happens so often. The ones who push our buttons are the only ones we want to pursue. And I suppose the only way out is through… and realizing that we are not alone on the journey — that many girls have traveled the same road, and that our situation is NOT unique. Our EUM is not any different from the rest of the AC’s out there who will never be capable of having a true relationship. Just like my first EUM-ex… I can see now that his screwed-up childhood prevented him from EVER being able to feel the things I needed him to feel. IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. And that is the toughest thing to digest. Maybe we just need to look in the mirror every day and repeat over and over again to ourselves “It is not your fault!” Just like that movie Good Will Hunting haha! Truly, though. It IS possible to get over an EUM and learn something from the relationship. Please just believe that. It’s almost impossible to trust this when you are in the middle of things… but truly NC is the greatest gift you can give yourself. And then, once you have taken an emotional step outside… perhaps you can contact him again one day. And be able to do so, knowing that he was a valuable lesson in your life, but that you are SO much better off now both because of him, and without him. I hope I can take my own advice in the case of my latest ex. But I am trying. And I hope you girls will, too! THERE IS HOPE!!! Just trust yourself.
Hello everyone. This is my first post. I’m quite afraid I’m in an unhealthy relationship with a man. We met through a mutual friend about two months ago. We started off emailing and texting. A lot. 20-30 a day, in the beginning. And although I’ve been “warned” by several girls (a few of his exes, too) that he’s got a lot of “issues” (depression & financial problems), and to “just be careful with him,” I find him extremely witty, smart, and interesting. While the emailing and texting has declined from 30 a day to maybe once a day or even skipping a day, our intimate relationship has gotten stronger. He’s very honest with me about his depression and his issues with his mother, etc… and I feel like we’ve established somewhat of a secure connection. In the beginning, he told me I should concentrate on this other guy I was dating instead of him because he didn’t think he was in a position to have a girlfriend and that he didn’t deserve me. He said he needs to get control of his depression, his finances, his health, and his career before he feels he can be of any worth to me. At that point, we were only seeing each other *maybe* once a week, but emailing/texting every day. I was really sad to hear that he didn’t think he could be in a relationship, and that if we were to have one, I would just end up hating him. So I continued to see him here and there, keeping my options open with other guys (and letting him know). Then he started making small gestures that indicated that he was still interested: calling (and making plans!) with me to go out, really cleaning up his apartment, noticing what I liked to eat and drink and having them at his place when I arrived, calling me to see how my day was, wanting me to spend the night, but with no sex, then waking up for work and kissing me on the forehead and telling me to go back to sleep, to stay at his place as long as I wanted, to make myself at home, then leaving, only to come back in 30 seconds to kiss me again before he left….. I could go on and on. We have plans to go to several concerts in the future, which to me sounds like he wants *some* kind of future with me. I’ve also gotten mad at him a few times for not replying to an email or something in a timely manner (regarding plans) and he is very conscious of staying on top of things now. As far as who initiates emails, texts, plans, etc… I would have to say that it was 70% me in the beginning, but now it’s at about 50/50. I wouldn’t say that I’m needy or pushy, I’m just a honest and don’t mind telling him what’s on my mind: so I’ll email, or suggest we go out, or just hang out at his place and watch movies (he rarely says no), or ask him what he’s up to that night or the next or if he feels like going to the dog park…. Sometimes I feel like I’m acting too needy, or that I’m forcing things to happen, but I just really, really love spending time with him (and I know my self-esteem is a little low, and I might be a little clingy — divorced an emotionally abusive man 10 months ago). We have slept together many times, and a few of the times he wasn’t able to “perform”. He gets really down on himself for this, but I just reassure him that I really don’t mind — that I just like being with him. Over this past weekend, he spent the night and was unable to perform again (a little too much to drink on both our parts) and took it hard. This week has been a little confusing and painful because he hasn’t contacted me nearly as much. I feel like he’s shutting me out of his life a little, pushing me away. But we have a concert to go to tomorrow night, and he’s emailed to make sure we’re still on. And I emailed him yesterday and we talked on the phone because we had a little issue with a condom over the weekend and I emailed to tell him and he called right away. I told him I was just a little worried about STD’s, since we hadn’t really discussed this topic yet, and he told me not to worry, last time he was checked, he was clean, but then volunteered to get tested again by tomorrow to ease my mind. Other than that, he’s emailed to say he was going to be really busy at work that day, but he just wanted to let me know, so I don’t wonder why he’s not emailing as much. But he’s been *really* busy at work and found time to email many times before, so I don’t know if this is a blow-off or not. I also invited him out for a drink to thank him about being so cool about the std thing, and he said he’s really couldn’t because he was too tired (which hasn’t really stopped him before). And I haven’t seen him since the weekend, which makes me sad, actually.
So, I don’t know if I’m just being obsessive and hyper-emotional, or if he’s trying to tell me to back off or what, but we’re going out tomorrow night and I don’t want him to see me upset just because we didn’t hang out or talk nearly as much as we did last week or the week before. I don’t want to come across as neurotic and clingy. But the fact is, I seriously like him (as do a lot of his ex’s — who have also said they’ve never seen him act so involved and interested and sincere as he has with me, that he seems to be “stepping up to the plate”), but I’m scared of scaring him off. I’m also scared that I might be misjudging the whole things, ignoring warning flags, and obsessing (which I am this week). I don’t know how to act or what to say, if anything, about how I feel when I see him tomorrow night. I’m just really confused and afraid that I might be falling in love with someone who is going to devastate me. Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time, everyone!
Hi Mercury, please visit the forum to get some personal advice as this comment thread will be closed and thanks for sharing.