Over the past few posts in parts one, two, and three, I’ve talked about the belief that there are ‘no good men to date’ or that ‘all the good ones are gone’.
I’ve talked about the impact of negative beliefs on dating and relationships, the way you have to wade through a lot of dubious people to get to decent ones when you date online, and how there are a lot of difficult ‘older’ guys, but that their age isn’t the real issue if they have always been problematic. If anything, it is important to ensure that you’re not limiting yourself by having misguided ideas about type, compatibility, and common interests.
Many women have found themselves being ‘compatible’ with dubious dating and relationship behaviour. If you have a ‘type’, it’s typically a toxic type because it’s a blind spot that lets you continue to cater to negative relationship patterns and limits your options.
While it can be good to have similar interests, often many of the interests that we profess a common ground on don’t mean anything to the relationship in the wider context – you may not share common ground on values and where you both see the relationship.
There are good men to date just like there are plenty of good women to date. To declare ‘the good man’ obsolete is like deciding to resign yourself to the dubious characters of this world.
If you have misguided ideas about compatibility, type, and common interests, you will likely gravitate to guys that are the least likely candidates for giving you what you want.
There will be conflicts of interest and as I always explain to people: What’s the point in being able to sit there and have long-winded conversations about politics, having a shared love of 18th century literature, and listening to opera while eating your favourite food, if at the end of the day, you don’t share the common ground of being able to act with mutual love, care, trust, and respect, and you don’t both want to be in the same relationship?
I’m not with the man I thought I’d be with – thank goodness.
Before I got wise about myself and my dodgy dating and relationships, I was like a heat-seeking missile hunting down assclowns and Mr Unavailables!
The man who I thought I would be with is a reflection of my old beliefs. If I’d stuck with those beliefs, I’d still be dating same guy, different package.
The man who I’m with now, is a reflection of my authentic self with my revised beliefs.
He is infinitely more than I imagined and that’s good, because when I was an assclown and Mr Unavailable lover, I had a limited imagination. I couldn’t see the wood for the trees and I was chasing a feeling instead of looking at the bigger picture.
Every day I hear from women who’ve had the same dating and relationship patterns from their late teens. There’s been tweaks here and there along the way, but when they look back on where they’ve been, they realise that they’ve been with same man, different package.
Dating is tiresome especially when you’re very focused on it or you’ve been doing it for a long time. If you’re feeling jaded and have come to believe that like Barbara who inspired this post, you’ve been left with “the sh*t”, it’s important to have an honest conversation with yourself and evaluate what you’ve been looking for and whether you are unwittingly continuing to recreate the same patterns.
Barbara mentioned in her email about how she was sure that her success had something to do with why she was struggling to meet someone. While there are some men who feel their nuts shrivel up around women they deem to be more successful than them, how successful you are is only part of the problem, not all of the problem, and it can sometimes be the easy thing to blame, especially as it’s not like you’re going to go out and ‘change’ how successful you are and throw away your money or achievements so that you can meet a man.
I talked about the whole ‘I’m successful! Why am I still single?‘ issue a couple of months back and as part of evaluating where you are and taking control of things that you can influence, it is important to realise that there are other reasons why you haven’t met a man and it’s not to do with your success and it’s those things that we often avoid addressing and changing.
“You’re not single because you’re successful. You’re not going to be in a relationship and happy unless tied in with whatever measurements of success you have, you have healthy love habits. You may be single though because you place too much emphasis on your ‘success’, using it to define yourself and are not dealing with other behaviours that could be impacting on your chances because you don’t recognise the importance.”
Often, when we date a ‘problematic’ person – let’s say they’re resistant to being committed, whether that’s committing to being with you, or committing to let you go, plus they blow hot and cold, they make promises they can’t keep, their actions and words don’t match, they’re passive aggressive, they do everything on their own terms, disappear, don’t call when they say they will, stonewall you on discussions and resolving issues etc – they didn’t just wake up in 2010 and become this way.
They’re often this way before you were with them and they’ll often continue to be this way long after you are gone.
It’s time to change the type of guy you’re interested in, especially if what you’re looking for hasn’t really changed that much.
Relationship insanity is carrying the same baggage, beliefs, behaviour and attitudes, choosing same person different package, and essentially sticking with ‘your way’, and then expecting different results.
In dating, relationship insanity becomes like continuing in the same mode and hoping that fate will wear one of these men down.
This is not about absolving these guys from what can be extremely annoying behaviour, but quite frankly, you haven’t (or shouldn’t have) the time and energy to try to revolutionise the wheel. Experience already indicates what the likely outcome will be if you keep pursuing the same types of guy. Rather than keep hammering away, sticking to them like glue, and eradicating your self-esteem in the process while trying to get him to make you the exception to his rule of behaving in this way, move on.
Address what you’re looking for as a companion because I’ll be honest, certain types of people, that’s both male and female, don’t make great candidates for a relationship. If you keep trying to change them and to fix/heal/help them, you’re betting on commitment from the least likely candidates.
It is important to realise that what you think, feel, and do, is not what someone else thinks, feels, and does.
Feeling attracted to someone or professing love for someone doesn’t demand an IOU. Wanting to settle down doesn’t mean that each guy you meet should want to settle down too, especially if your ‘type’ tends to be the commitment resistant type.
It’s better to address your own beliefs and issues about dating and relationships because if you assume it’s all them and not you, you will waste even more time with people who are not worthy of your energy.
Before you saddle up and get back out on the dating horse, remember the following:
1) Boundaries are a requirement. They teach people how to treat you and also what to expect. You teach them that they can do as they like, they’ll do as they like and disrespect you. Know your boundaries and use them to filter out people who do not share your core values.
2) I get that you want commitment, to settle down etc., but you have to be careful of assuming that the way you think is the way that someone else of a similar age, background etc thinks. This means that it’s important to not make too many assumptions and to spend time around like-minded people who reflect your beliefs. Which brings me to…
3) Sanity check your beliefs about yourself, relationships, and love. When I work with readers, I ask them what they believe (they often give 3-5 core beliefs on each) and they are incredibly revealing and contradictory. If you believe all men cheat, that there’s something wrong with you, that sex is the most important thing, that love conquers all, that there are no good men to date, that people leave, and that you should stay and try to work things out no matter how poorly you are treated, you open yourself up to a world of pain. What you believe is what you get. When you look out at the world, your beliefs are what you see. You will be drawn to people that reflect what you believe and continue to be stuck.
4) Drop the illusions and be actions focused. Keep your feet very firmly in reality, be careful of betting on non-existent potential – seeing potential in every guy you meet and sticking with illusions even when the reality clearly indicates that the two things don’t match. If you’re the type that builds sandcastles in the sky, stay away from online dating until you can be grounded in reality.
5) The modern world has created this concept of unlimited options, plenty more fish in the sea, and a criteria-based world where you can go online and look for partners that match your list of requirements. Every day though, people do remove their options and choose to only be with one person. Do not let people keep/treat you as an option – you deserve better.
6) Let go of the ex. Whether you’re playing the Yo-Yo Girl in a boomerang relationship and hooking up, pining for someone, or secretly hoping that they’ll come back, or are even nursing several heartbreaks, deal with them. You’re carrying dead weight and you cannot truly move into a positive future with someone new, if you’re still emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually caught up with someone else.
7) Be the person you want to date. It’s all very well saying how guys have poor dating and relationship habits, but ladies, we do too. You can curse the immaturity of the fickle, flip-flapping, overgrown man-children, but it’s important to ensure that your own love habits have matured and that you understand true compatibility, type, and common interests.
8) Stop chasing a feeling. Focus on substance and look at the bigger picture.
9) Believe in good people out there. It’s important to have faith and don’t write off the men of this world because we wouldn’t like it if we were written off.
10) Get out of stuck. Break your habits, move around in different circles, do different things, go to different places, and fill up your life. If you’re in a sister cluster where you’re all professing how crap the dating world is, work together to change your outlook and experiences, or break away, because it’s important not to enable one another to stay stuck.
As I said in part two, “If you can hand on heart, with 100% honesty say that you have boundaries, healthy love habits, have no attraction to Mr Unavailables and assclowns (that’s not attracting them, I mean actually being attracted to and becoming involved with them), personal security, a full life that isn’t dependent on your relationship status, positive beliefs about love, relationships, and yourself, and have not stuck to the same routine and tried and tested route, then go ahead and say that there are very few decent men to date. …….read my posts on 10 reasons why women choose men and why they shouldn’t, my extensive posts on compatibility, type, and common interests, as well as my post on ‘But we have so much in common!, as well as positive woman equals positive relationship. If you still think that you’re still thinking that you’re good to go, let’s talk.”
And I mean it. If you read all this and deduced that you’ve been good to go and your house is in order, get in touch. But in the meantime, there are good men to date.
Your thoughts?
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Thank you for this series. It is inspired. And inspiring!
My pleasure 🙂
Excellent as always! I am so glad you wrote this series – if anything it confirms for me that I am heading in the right direction and I AM seeing the benefits of it. You are better than any therapist I have seen in person. Straight talk no BS bottom line honest truth.
There are great healthy guys out there – just might be the ones you can’t see right now until you get healthy yourself.
Awesome!
Thanks very much Movedon! Glowing praise makes this woman smile 🙂 Change you, change the guys you meet. So pleased you are seeing the benefits. Take care of yourself and keep going. You can do it!
Excellent advice — however, still hold to the fact that a 60 + woman, is not going to be very successful simply because there are very few fish in the pond. As my like-aged friends say, we don’t want to be someone’s mother for the younger men, we don’t want to be someone’s caretaker for the older men, and we don’t want to raise any more children; we’ve raised our own. I still maintain the disposable society has contriubted very negatively to the dating scene. I feel sorry for the younger women whose comments I read here — men are not the caring, compassionate persons they were and technology is a contributing factor. I was never “dumped” or “discarded” until my most recent dating and on line experiences in my late 50’s. And I was blown away by that behavior. So what advice can I follow? But for younger women, I think your advice is wonderful.
Well what do you want Still Looking? I feel it’s as hard as you make it. Times have changed yes, but you get what you focus on. It’s true that every situation with a ass clown I was involved with was my responsibility – it was coming from inside of me. I can attest to same men in different packages because their dialogue was even similar, if not the same! What they were saying was stemming from my fears, so it goes to show you that you can never run from your insecurities.
Cheekie said it perfectly in her response in part three. been there and done that, and am looking for more of a companion than for fireworks. Someone to have fun with, talk to, hang out with, and just enjoy life with someone who has integrity, is honest, has good manners and treats his companion with respect. Not someone who wants a mommy to “do” for him, a caretaker for his old age or assistance with his children because he can’t manage. Doesn’t seem like an overwhelming request.
It’s not an overwhelming request although…the older people get, the more ‘baggage’ they have.
And there is accountability! You can take great steps into breaking and changing your pattern. We *do* make it hard with our beliefs, the type of men we’re attracted to etc. Our work is cut out for us. There *are* other options.
I have always operated on the premise that if a wonderful person like myself is swimming in the pool, then it is possible that other equally wonderful men and women are also swimming in the pool.
(Mind you, I only think about possibilities, not probabilities. Probabilities are irrelevant – it either happens or it doesn’t 😉
That’s a good attitude to have. It’s tough out there but decent men haven’t been wiped out of existence. Like others suggested, there are guys out there struggling to meet women too. Keep your options open and you have greater probability. Narrow your field and fish from a shallow pool or puddle and the probability shrinks. It’s simple math.
My advice is stop dating. When you’re disillusioned and cautious, you’ll only find more reasons to be disillusioned and cautious. Get on with your life. Dating in your 60s is certainly not going to present as many ‘options’ as it would if you were half your age. You can’t go back in a time machine and it is what it is. The fact of the matter is, these 60+ year old men don’t roll out of the womb, 60, fit as a fiddle, no kids, no relationship. They have a past and in some respects, they’re a bit damned. Many women are suspicious of men who have no ties or commitments – no kids, no marriage, no major exes to speak of. The more criteria you have, the more your options shrink. That’s a fact. There’s nothing wrong with wanting these things but recognise that your options are reduced. Keep in mind, these men don’t want to be caretakers either and they don’t want emotional baggage or suspicion, and a number of them don’t want to be tied down, maybe because they already have been for a significant portion of their lives. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t men out there – it means meeting one is likely to be harder. Take a break from dating and get on with your life. Come back to it when you don’t feel as you do now.
i think the stop treating ourselves as options is the hardest part for me. I have a bad habit of making exceptions for guys I think are decent and making excuses for them when I know they are most likely seeking other options elsewhere. I have thus cut my EUM off and am going to focus on me for a while. I can’t tell you Natalie what good timing this article has. It is just so ironic how this all comes about just when I need an unbiased third party with loads of experience to drill it into my head. I am not an option. I am a privilege.
Guys don’t have the sun shining out of their bums. They don’t require special handling. If you accept things from men that you wouldn’t in other areas of your life, this will cause you to be out of sync with your own values and cause you to be conflicted and unable to be yourself. I’m more than happy to help and glad you found the article of support 🙂
When you hold onto a dream of who you are looking for, how do you make changes as you mature?
I can see where “success” might be a real barrier to a loving relationship. Depending on the industry and peers, the accumulated assets might occasionally, as you put it, “make the nuts shrivel up.” But there is another side. Habits, mannerisms, changes in priorities.
Does the successful woman still have as much to offer an available, dependable man, as someone that hasn’t learned habits of intimidation, of wielding authority, of refusing to be vulnerable to anyone? The needs of personality and character at home are more demanding, with no payoff in ca$h, and losing connection with your partner is a risk in any relationship. Perhaps farmers had it simpler, since there was seldom a drive for ambition or authority to divide the home.
For the single person, attracting a mate is going to be tough, because the aspects needed at home are often the last things practiced at work.
It might not be success that makes finding a good partner difficult, but the experience, the drive, the lack of practice, of partnering skills. And I don’t mean ironing clothes, I mean connecting, being vulnerable when necessary, being a real, non-cash-basis, life partner.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Finding a new truth =-.
You make an interesting point about vulnerability. A lot of people will be vulnerable in terms of opening themselves up to being taken advantage of or wearing their hurt on their sleeves but they won’t actually *be* vulnerable by truly putting themselves out there with partners who offer stronger prospects of actually being committed and meeting their needs. Instead they opt for the sure bet that gives them the self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am not an option! I am a priviledge. It’s best I start believing this myself and I think I will heal faster!
This article helped so much!
I am working on
1. Letting go of the hope the my AC will change…because I really did love him…(He has a major fear of being in love).
2. Not trusting the “I’m so attracted to HIM!” feelings and instead giving guys a chance that I wouldn’t have first considered as “my type.”
3. Knowing that I’m worth it, I’m a good person and to give myself time. I’m wanting to instead of “look” for love, that I will just attract it because I am fulfilled inside.
4. Realizing that a pattern is a pattern is a pattern and I cannot change a person other than myself…and to learn to let go.
NML, Thank you.
Believe it! Don’t sell yourself short. Being option means that the person has other options or is considering other options and can exercise their right to choose another option at any time. Don’t give people the option of abusing your boundaries and treating you without love, care, trust, and respect.
That’s almost like women using sex to fall in love. Geesh! If that is the case, then women could learn to keep their hearts out of their vaginas next time.
But Vanna, funny as your comment is, some women do confuse sex with love. That’s why they can’t distance themselves.
This series came at the perfect time for me – I was beginning to think the same way..
My relationship has been over for 1 year and a month – it has literally took me a yr + to start feeling human again. Then I met him – Oh he swept me off my feet, we did it, then he said – how he is independant, busy, etc…
Basically in other words he was telling me he was unavailable, wishy washy, wants to keep me on a back burner…blah blah blah.
So you all know – I ran… I ran fast
I have examined my stuff to death – what steps do I do now to stop attracting these ACs.. I know my behavior has shifted tremendously.. I mean I did run this time 🙂
It makes a difference that you ran – it means you learned something. You’re learning what makes you uncomfortable and the fact that you took decisive action will help to boost your confidence because you know you can trust your own judgement which means you can act in your own best interests.
For those of us who’ve allowed ourselves to be used,abused and at best,an option,the single most important relationship we can have from here on in, is the one with ourselves. If we can stop chasing assclowns,commit to ourselves and to our boundaries,then we’ve already made huge progress, come what may.
As for our love lives, Yes we must break the pattern of the Mr Famiiar but I still maintain that chemistry is necessary.Not necessarily the fireworks factor,the slow burner of a nice,kind man is perfect but there must be something. Natalie,your guy sounds great but obviously you found him attractive,in a different way to those that came before,fair enough, but you must have been attracted, nonetheless. And your age was right too.
Unfortunately age does matter.But I think all the younger ladies [under 40] who’ve been blessed to find this great site and take on board the advice, will have no problem hooking up with someone worthy.It may not happen tomorrow, but it will happen. A good friend of mine, a girl in her mid thirties, who had major problems with assclowns, started to get real about everything and then she went online,yes online and bingo she met the nicest man and they’re now happily married! So take heart!
However,it is much harder for us older ladies [I’m 50]. But if we are true to ourselves,lead a balanced life and go about our business,keeping a good look out but not making a relationship the b all and end all,than I truly believe love will find us too. still looking, I hear you and I understand you and I too have been shocked by the casual callousness of nowadays but we gotta keep the faith!
Thank you, Kay, for acknowledging that age does matter and admitting to being shocked by the casual callousness of nowadays.
I agree with you that the good advice, if taken by the under 40, will result in their meeting a great guy.
I guess the callousness has been so injurious to my self esteem that I am reeling in disbelief. I have never married as I was always the caretaker of much older parents, and hever found a man who would be willing to accept that along with me, and so have long ago established a relationship with myself. Not as a pitiful spinster but with female friends, and platonic male friends and hobbies and travel.
Now that they are gone, my dating efforts have been like jumping headfirst in a tub of ice cubes –leaving me unable to breathe. And it’s been 3 years of attempting relationships. And the stories I hear from my 50+ friends confirm that trend — as in “we told you that’s what is was like, but you never believed us.”
I applaud your efforts to keep the faith.
The thing about compatibility and ‘type’ is so true. It’s so easy to write people off over trivial things: ‘I don’t like his laugh’ or ‘He doesn’t know the difference betwee your and you’re’ but really, these things don’t matter. You need to keep yourself open and see to the heart of people, the part that really matters.
But the part that mattersis not always positive. A lot of people tend to forget that the heart can have negative rhythms as well as positive ones. So, I wouldn’t count on it. Although you do get a lot more from one’s heart than the tweters in one’s head
We all ‘vibrate’ and the type of energy we give off makes us vibrate with people who reflect our own inner beliefs and feelings. Change your beliefs and feelings, change who you vibrate with but also change what’s in your heart.
Singlet, I confess that I decided not to go on any further dates with someone because he blinked so much it started to freak me out. There were other things – I didn’t really fancy him anyway, but I cringe at how ridiculous I was! Thankfully I got wiser!
Still Looking – it’s not about saying that age doesn’t matter; it’s actually about saying that character does and age is not all of the problem. Unfortunately if people want relationships even though it can get trickier the older you get, you do have to keep the faith. No faith equals you’ll see what reflects that and anything you do get involved in will be dubious. Some faith means you live to fight another day and even when you get knocked down, you get back up. I actually talk to a lot of women in their forties and fifties and it’s tough at times but they recognise that they just have to get on with it. You need to have a thicker skin if you’re going to mess with online dating. On the flipside, I know of a lot of women who don’t have an agenda to date. They have rounded busy lives and they meet men as and when. They don’t do online dating and they’re not specifically looking for dates – they’re just living. Do they want companionship? Yes. Do they want sex? Yes. But they’re not about to lose their minds over it or turn finding a man into a vocation because they’ve been there and done that and it doesn’t work.
Of course age matters as I said to Still Looking but it’s not everything. I think you have the right outlook and but I also think you think it’s easier for younger women than it is. I’m not saying it’s the same as being in your fifties but it’s not a walk in the park. People get set in their ways. Lots of people have dodgy relationship habits and are often totally unaware of them. Keep the faith, keep getting on with life, and keep addressing your own needs and any issues, and love will follow.
I find it hard to find a good woman to date. I’ve been divorced for 10 years and had many girlfriends of many different ages. The younger they are, the more they are into the party crowd; the older they are, the more problems they have from previous marriages and relationships. I’ve been looking for someone serious about a life mate…a woman who communicates openly and honestly…and so far, I’ve found that today’s society of fast paced information and even faster relationships has bred people to look for the easy way out the first time any trouble or hardship hits. Getting through difficult times successfully should be the tell-tale of the level of love and trust people have for one another. I am still seeking to find her…the one…the diamond in a sea of coal that understands about open communication, trust, honesty, the power of laughter, and a sincere longing for something that will last a lifetime…
.-= Don´s last blog ..Life, Money, and the Largest Wound…Part IV =-.
I really hope you find it and I believe you when you say it’s a struggle – it is for both sexes and I know of other men who say the same thing. This is why it’s important for people to have an honest conversation with themselves and not bounce from relationship to relationship assuming everyone else is the problem because when people don’t resolve their issues, someone else ends up having to deal with the problems from previous relationships. Great relationships really show themselves when they can weather the bad times.
“Stop chasing a feeling”
I think this is the hardest one for me. Well the feeling is ‘good’, you want to find that again. Sadly, you want to find that feeling with the same person that made you feel that way — part of the time you were together.
When the Ass Clown/Mr Unavailable isn’t there anymore, you try to find that exact feeling with someone else to ease your pain and wind up with exactly what you didn’t want — Ass Clown/Mr Unavailable.
I’m working on it. Lord knows I am.
Many people try to recreate the feeling and extend it over a greater period of time. The thing is, you need more than a feeling – you need substance.