I talk to people who are keen to evolve their relationships and attempting to get to grips with values, and they’ve had at least one of these three habits:
- Making their partner into a one-trick pony
- Looking for a ‘thing’ to hook the relationship to
- Not being thorough about their values
Ever been hung up on someone who when the relationship crack wore off, you realised that they only had one redeeming feature that offset everything that was so wrong about them or the situation? You (or they) made them into a one trick pony. Maybe they were good for sex that left you barely able to walk. Maybe they were good for the most “amazing” dates or hanging out and talking about those topics where you have “so much in common” but…. not hot on anything else. It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte dated the guy renowned for giving great head but that’s pretty much all there was to him.
What many people who are confused about core values do is take one or a few things that they see as signs of dependability, attractiveness, commitment, etc., and then used them as justification for continuing.
They listen to my complaints about ________ becomes They’re a really attentive person and are girlfriend/boyfriend material. This is because we associate being listened to in this way with a relationship. Because we don’t know them that well, we assume that they’re demoing the Deluxe Relationship Package. Determining compatibility with someone on one or a few arbitrary factors results in ignoring the overall content of the relationship and lack of real attention to core values. It’s taking one piece and mistaking it for the whole.
Sometimes we’re unaware of where we’re out of alignment. There are so many people pleasers out there who pride themselves on honesty, loyalty and kindness as virtues but who never consider that they’re for instance, only honest in low risk areas and that they stop short of speaking up or being themselves in a multitude of situations and would accept sub-par carry-on even if it meant having to lie to themselves. Why be honest only in anger but not in the smaller instances along the way where we bit our tongue? Why be loyal to others while betraying ourselves? Why expect each party in a relationship to be honest about where they’re at and what they’re doing on any given day, when we’re involved in an affair, or we never really say what we truly think or feel, we hold back our needs, and we pretend to be something that we’re not? It’s like washing your front but not your back.
It’s not about trying to be a saint but it is about recognising that if you say you value something, value it authentically and strive to let it permeate your life. When you become more conscious about how what you prioritise shakes down through your life, you become more conscious about what you’re in alignment with.
So what next?
1 Check in with your emotions
If you claim to be honest, loyal, loving, kind, empathetic etc., but you experience reoccurring feelings of anger, resentment, blame, shame and sadness that overwhelm you at times, you are not practising these values with you. In your efforts to please others, you have slipped into doing good things for the wrong reasons and so have cut you off from your own honesty. Acknowledge the sources of these emotions and practice the self-care that comes with saying no, recognising your limit, and doing things without an agenda.
2 Don’t cherry-pick the ‘good points’ in people
Respect is accepting that person for who they are, not what you would prefer them to be or focusing purely on one aspect and creating great expectations out of it. You’ve either got to acknowledge and accept them for who they are or admit that you don’t know them that well so that your next actions are from a conscious place.
3 Look for consistency instead of looking out for your ‘markers’
What you interpret as a positive indicator of what’s to come in a relationship is something that someone else might not. What you overvalue in others is not necessarily the same thing that they’ll value in you. Whatever you assume has to consistently keep coming back for it to be considered real understanding and knowledge. There’s no need to be on high alert waiting for your antennae to be pinged but it is about showing up as you and being open to receiving the truth of that person through all of your interactions.
4 Distinguish between preference and programming
Patterns occur when you’re living unconsciously so quite simply, if you have a ‘type’, it’s programming not preference. It’s effectively looking out for the same cues and triggers to switch you to autopilot. If you’ve been tripped up by type, it’s time to go through each aspect of it and ask: What is this and why do I believe that it’s an indicator of someone’s character, direction? Asking, Why wouldn’t someone who was [the opposite or something different] be attractive or able to love me?, helps to distinguish taste from core values. If your type is weighted towards secondary values, or they talk the talk but don’t walk the walk, break the faux rules of toxic type to break your pattern.
5 Pay attention to what you don’t have in common
Big differences in core values lead to tension, trust issues and immediate or eventual incompatibility. Needless to say, if you don’t have the same relationship aspirations and values in common, it doesn’t matter what you think you have in common, your relationship isn’t going anywhere.
6 Is what you assume true of all people?
So many Baggage-Reclaimers assume that if someone appears to have high intelligence or they command respect or enjoy popularity that ipso facto, they are emotionally intelligent and as such will do ABC (e.g. provide a loving relationship, offer safety and security, know everything). When you focus on whether somebody comes from a place of love, care, trust and respect of themselves and others, it’s self-evident regardless of intelligence and popularity.
7 Apply the relationship stages
Does the evidence you use to define certain people or to create certain expectations, represent the stage of the relationship that you’re at? For example, if you’re still banging on about something from the beginning or you keep circling back to a ‘good point’, it’s time to update. Similarly, if you’re talking about someone with a level of certainty despite you only knowing them a wet week, roll back.
8 Be the thing that you seek
Look up the definition of a value and think about what it means to you and how that plays out so that you’re not just playing lip service to it. e.g. Ask, What would someone who was honest do [in a variety of situations]? and you will see how someone who chooses that value as often as possible, even when it’s tricky, strives to live that value. Are you embodying that value? Have you seen evidence of that value outside of the context in which you originally attributed it to someone? Look for more than feelings and words.
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LMAO! I finally get it and the image of me only washing my front will stay with me for a long time. I’m guilty as charged of all of that people pleaser stuff and I get so angry sometimes because I feel like people aren’t holding up their end of the bargain. I blow up and I’ve never understood why people don’t get why I would be like that but now I realise that I’ve been blowing up because I was silent many times along the way.
I think ‘with your’ is backwards, so ‘your with’ instead (that threw me off as I am actually dyslexic–mostly with numbers, though).
That quote, that teensy tiny quote by rupi sums up my five year feelings for someone. So weird. But, not I guess; I was hungry for love and lookin’ in all the wrong places. My ex was handsome and affectionate, but not really into anything serious, though he came on pretty strong for a guy just lookin’ around for some casual dating.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I say no to men who cannot give me what I want, I’ll never meet this “whole” sort of person who can love me for who I am. I feel so fragmented from family issues, it seems I’ll never be whole myself.
I meet like two new people a year because I am so isolated.
Sad.
Thank you and apologies. That was my fault as it was originally correct and then I tweaked and despite looking at it what felt like a gazillion tines, didn’t notice I’d effed it up. There’s a lesson there on leaving things alone.
Ah. Happens to every writer. (And I have often wondered how you write so much and so elegantly with so few mistakes).
Jennifer you are telling my story. Those feelings of desperation and the need to be loved is so real. We hold back so much of ourselves to please but are screaming in the inside.I was raised as a people pleaser which made me ripe for the picking. I have hung onto fragmented relationships for a lifetime both romantic and friendships. I’m so tired of living in the constant state shame and isolation of really not knowing better. No one understands my experience which compounds the isolation. This website has been a saving grace but I could have needed a Natalie in my life in my 20’s, 30’s but I’m here so better late than never.
Lioness07,
No woman is ever too grown to benefit from knowledge, but I am sorry BR wasn’t around sooner for so many women who sacrificed themselves instead of loved themselves because there was no better to be had.
I want so bad to be my own and have that self-esteem and self-power I have so fought for.
I still find myself settling for crumbs and feeling like a frightened, scared child when I’m a grown woman.
Sometimes it feels impossible to shed a bad childhood, but where there is knowledge, support, and truth, there is hope.
I never trembled or feared wanting to blindly fall for someone. I never wanted to love someone fully, because I refused to love myself fully. You cannot love what you don’t acknowledge. I only wanted to love me if I was pretty (in the world’s eyes, in which without makeup -even though I love makeup- I don’t exist) and not chubby (books and chocolates win over exercise). I’ve never cared about being fit, just in love with dogs and books. I’ve spent 20 yrs dedicated to being thin and pretty so I can eventually get a mate (that is so freaking warped when typed out loud). I have never gotten to know myself. Whenever my mind wanders to “fixing” something about my appearance, I just ask myself what I really need (usually it’s emotional self-validation); that works better than anything.
Toodles.
I love reading this blog, feels like I am being re-parented in regards to healthy ways to function within boundaries. As a people pleaser, I think I’m in the toddler stage of being re-parented as reading this article certainly hit a few nerves, I have a long way to go!
Possum,
I really like what you said about being re-parented. And being about a toddler level! That really struck me in a loving funny way…now I can be kinder to my little three year old self who is asking “why? why? why?” about everything. I think I need to go back one year to being a two year old who is saying “No!” to everyone and everything just for the pure joy of saying it!
And actually, the first point really struck me about having one facet make up for everything else. I just let go of a five month fling in which sex was the only thing that was good. It was actually all I wanted and I thought I’d try being this person I have never successfully been: a casual consumer of sex for sex’s sake. At first it was ok. I did pretty well, enjoyed myself, and just saw the guy about once a week. Then, one night, I found myself talking to my best friend and saying, “Do you think he is getting attached?” in that hopeful pathetic whine that instantly cued me into my bullshit. “OMG!” I said, “I AM THE ONE getting attached.”
The progress for me came when I realized I was trying to make this person into a real relationship. I didn’t actually do it, or begin that whole exhausting process of lying to myself and trying to talk him into being what I wanted. Instead, I noticed I was getting attached, that I didn’t like being in a harem, that I don’t really have the detachment to be in an open relationship and that it was time to go. Then (and I am really proudest of this) after all the things I read from Natalie I realized two things:
1.) if I stayed in the “friend zone” all it would really mean is that I’d be one of his many female friends who occasionally got laid instead of his main friend who regularly got laid.
2.) No Contact was going to have to be forever because I never wanted the humiliation of being one of his spineless exes who were really just harem members.
So I ended it and I’m not doing the friend zone. So far my inner two year old is saying, “No! No! NO!”
Your words could have come out of my mouth. I, too, thought I could play around with him without the attachment.
I was part of a huge harem as well. He didn’t understand why that bothered me. He even asked me once “So does it bother you that I’m with other women?”
I had lost myself and my values. I recently saw him and melted a bit. And then I heard from someone else that he was mentoring their son. Those brief moments I romantized about him. Then I quickly had to but my brain in reverse and remember all the horrible things he did to me.
It’s tough. But I, too, have learned to say No! No! NO! No more getting on that Merry-go-round.
I liked point 5 Natalie.
My last ‘relationship’ broke down big style over a critical lifestyle difference. Even though my first boyfriend in 6 years … he had to go. It would have been a disaster.
Best wishes to all
I have just bought both of your books , no contact rule and Mr unavailable , I’ve just come out of a 15 month relationship , all one-sided , he told me every week he didn’t love me but could in time , really messed me up ,
Suzanne,
Good move. Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl saved my life.
Wow, Natalie, once again it felt like I was reading an e-mail you wrote specifically to me, regarding my past dirty-butted relationship with a covert narcissist.
I spent so much time trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with her (so I could fix her), I never took the time to ask myself why I was always either angry, sad, apologizing or hyper-alert so’s not to step on all the eggshells.
Once I figured out beyond a doubt she hit every marker for narcissistic personality disorder, I went into full-fledged investigator mode and read everything I could find about NPD.
See, I knew if I could figure out how she was manipulating the relationship by gas-lighting me, slithering away midst discussion, picking fights when things got too smooth, hypochondria, fibbing and faux flattering me with occasional sustenance-only crumbs; then I could beat her at her own game and “make her truly love and respect me.”
The day I researched “prognosis after treatment,” I realized it was hopeless and broke it off. Once she sensed me distancing myself, her dump truck full of fresh new love bombs backed into my driveway and unloaded.
She was the pinball machine and I was one of many balls. Cheating, triangulating and lies; it never ended.
Eventually, I knew she’d have to leave me because I was too weak to leave her and make it stick. So I gas-lighted her and she broke it off via an epic silent treatment that has lasted almost two years now. You get no closure, kindness, closing statement– you get nothing when a narcissist knows you know they have NPD.
Fortunately, the silent treatment provided space to clear my head, and that broke the people pleaser and codependent trance I was in. Then I got some therapy with an expert.
I finally realized I cannot change her or anyone but myself.
So I did.
Now, when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, and I am the mama. I recently adopted two identical twin brother kittens–2.5 months old.
Now when I reflect fondly on memories of the bits and slivers of great things about her, I snap out of it by reminding myself I loved a fictitious persona–a character she created to lure in fresh supply.
Of all her many side-bits, I was her most…recent.
I’m assuming that record has been reset since then.
Once my head got clear and my jovial personality returned, a certain overt narcissist celebrity ran for high office as a spoof, then got elected.
I can’t move to Mexico because the Berlin Wall is in the planning stage. And Canada? That’s where that covert narcissist, emotional vampire ex of mine lives.
:/
Karen,
If you can afford them (and I maintain an adoption stance vs. breeding), our pets can be incredibly healing/educating. Annnnd…
I’m about to get real political right now.
Hang in there.
You are in the millions of people who have been marginalized, disenfranchised, scared, triggered, and emotionally scarred by the most recent election in the states.
Remember.
Remember there are women like Natalie and the empathetic, aware group that make up BR community.
Remember.
Remember there are good people who feel strong pain with all those disenfranchised.
There are people standing strong for us both women and men, queer alike.
As a straight woman, I have been advocating for gay rights since I was eight-years-old (starting with long winded attempts to explain and defend). I will never stop defending my queer brothers and sisters. Never.
One of the things that made me grateful, is when politics started to get scary here, I was able to identity the toxicity, in part to all that I have learned from BR. That is power. There is power in knowledge, there is power in empathy, there is immense power in values strengthened in integrity.
Whatever you choose to do, know this.
This is your home.
As a woman.
As a beautifully, spirited alive vibrant perfectly okay gay woman, this is your home.
You have a right to be here.
XX
*identify* not *identity* I was able to sense something very, very unsettling.
Thanks, pal. That was kind of you to take the time to write. 🙂
I’ve tried to please everyone in my circle since a very young age, families, partners, kids and I keep forgetting myself and that I have needs too. Mynlast relationship ended in 2014 after 5 yrs of my ex putting me down in everything about my life, I am a very creative and ambitious woman, he never gave me encouragement about my goals and vision, whereas I’m always helping him and his family. I guess I’m always looking for validation, a people pleaser and people take advantage, I’m always trying to see the best in people, I end up being used thru expectation.I’m always planning, providing, assuming,to do only the best. I end up very angry at times as I don’t feel appreciated no matter what.
Lately I’m dating this guy and he’s also abusing my good nature, he helps me with day to day errands, but he expects me to provide everything just because he helps me with work. We argue alot and.he always wants to be right. Lately I ended up disliking him even tho he still comes to my place, I guess it’s because I’m lonely and all my families live abroad, I have just him who comes to check on me, I work from home so it’s not easy to make friends.
I’m a very beautiful person but have lost all confidence after failed relationships and being a single parent for a long time were I mainly attract emotionally unavailable men.
kadija,
I have been a people pleaser since I can remember, eventually I had to choose life (my own autonomy) or death (be obedient to a family that would not stop its abusive ways).
I chose to leave. And you know what? I am nearly completely alone and emotionally terrified most days.
But, I keep on getting up and live to fight fairly and peacefully another day.
I live to soothe myself and walk away when abused instead of accepting it as normal.
Hang in there.
I have no doubt that you are a beautiful human being. Own that beauty and know that it is no one else’s to hold unless you say so.
Jennifer xx
Kadija,
I think that we are most vulnerable to abusive/neglectful/hurtful people when we are feeling lonely. If we, out of desperation to relieve our loneliness, settle for the company of people who leave us feeling neglected or abused (and, ironically, more lonely!).
In my experience, there is great strength and power (and healing) to be found in accepting/embracing those feeling of loneliness (or whatever the feeling is) instead of trying to numb them (heal them) with people. Feelings don’t go away when we attempt to numb them (neglect them), they just build. It can be scary initially, and, of course, painful. I’ve discovered that avoiding these feelings was far more painful in the long run than the actual pain of my loneliness. It’s like that thing you keep putting off and when you finally do it you wonder why you put it off for so long!
It seems counter-intuitive, but there’s great power, strength, confidence and healing to be found in hunkering down with our feelings.
Be your own best friend, Kadija. If you do not like the way this person is treating you and you have expressed it to no avail. He’s shown you who he is and he will not change. People who have to be right at all costs will tend to gaslight the shit out of you because they need to be right for their sense of self and power in the world. The price you are paying for your need to be checked on is a high one. The affects of gaslighting are very debilitating to your confidence, self-esteem, judgment and so much more. The longer you are in it, the worse it gets.
Taking responsibility for protecting ourselves by getting away from people who are unkind gives us a feeling of self respect. It also gives us emotional space and freedom to heal and build our self esteem, self confidence and self trust. Desperation, ours or there’s are a big ‘ol warning to stop and look inside, not outside for what we need.
I hope this helps!
*correction – theirs
Desperation, ours or theirs are a big ‘ol warning to stop and look inside, not outside for what we need.
This article has made me smile – probably in some ways good and bad in others.
I’m in a relationship where I feel so detached from who I was before I met her, granted, I have stuck a rod in my own back in not just saying exactly how I feel because I’m so sick of arguing with her and the way she speaks to me so regularly makes me just want to walk into a different room to avoid, forgive me, losing my shit and end up really arguing with her!
She has recently been diagnosed with a nuisance condition called Ulcerative colitis – it’s horrendous for her. It’s driving a massive wedge between her because she is so much pain and we end up not having sex for weeks at a time and it’s getting her down as much as me.
We’ve had some ups and downs, she has fallen out with my mum, (they do not get along and my mum has made it clear that they will not be friends at any point) which is horrendous for me as I lost my father when I was 15. Before this relationship my Mum and I were absolutely best friends. The fall out is basically over a present which my girlfriend felt was a direct insult to her – which might I add. It has absolutely nothing to do with her and I swept it under the carpet to be quite honest, I think the person who has got hurt throughout that situation is me, but I’m thick skinned enough to sleep at night and let it go. However, long term, I’m well aware I’ve not dealt with it like a man. Which does hurt…. this was a year ago at Christmas.
This article reminds me of every time she speaks down to me when she doesn’t think what I’ve said is logical in her head, or if I’ve misinterpreted what she is asking me (not that it’s ever straight forward, I do not have this issue at any other aspect of my life!) – it just reminds me of how much I feel that I have changed since two years ago when I met her. I don’t even feel like seeing friends because I know I’ll just get stick off them for not being around and not being up beat and abrasive!
I have holidays coming up with her, including this weekend and everyday I am waking up wondering which version of her I am going to get, this started before the illness and steroids (medication). She always gives me stick for staying working for my family business, which will be mine one day obviously! Yet always wants nice things! I’m never going to leave this job, I love it, its the thing which gives me so much drive and purpose during the day. As I type this email I feel even worse about it, almost embarrassed. Every time we do have an argument, she will never budge in terms of her views and whether or not I have a point. I even sometimes avoid giving my opinion on something because what’s the point? She’s always right and I am always wrong, then she’ll complain that I haven’t said much! I can’t win, my values and opinions go to the wayside. If I sit down and speak to my mum, who might I add, cleared some debt for me and the only comment I got back was “so she should”.
I’m torn, I care immensely for this girl. I absolutely hate seeing her hurting, it upsets me how many tablets she takes, it upsets me how she is feeling. It upsets me when she looks in the mirror and isn’t happy. However, I’m upset to, my values aren’t shining through anymore.
Your articles and emails make me smile because I understand that other people are going through similar things, no one deserves to be unhappy.
Matt,
You are right, no one deserves to be unhappy. I’m sorry you are going through this, it sounds like Hell.
I have friends and family I love, though they stress me out so bad I cry for hours on end (alone, not in front of them, I journal for hours and hours because my friends are not available enough).
You have a right to your feelings, but I always advocate being mindful and careful in how you express them. Almost every time I lash out, I feel immense guilt and realize I’ve just mostly hurt myself.
It hurts so bad to care for people and not get your needs, feelings, and emotions met with validation or care.
As for how a man is supposed to act? Well, even though culture tells us one thing, acting with earnestness, integrity, and calm character spans and transcends gender. Humans feel it bad when under immense amounts of pressure and stress; it’s a horrible way to be, no one ought to be made to live this way, via themselves or those around them. Every human has a right to go on loving themselves respectful of others and to peace of mind.
I cannot stand Christmas; it is my least favorite holiday (I tolerate Halloween — the creativeness and expressive nature is nice– Thanksgiving can be ok, i.e., being grateful and eating a hardy meal with people you like, though certainly not everyone gets that experience).
I find Christmas so materialistic and stressful. It seems more like a frenzy of mindless consumption and greed than actual togetherness or spirituality. And through societal pressure, millions of adults lie to their children (understandable, albeit sad and slightly pathetic).
You know, advertising manipulates how we see ourselves in relationships from very early on, the scars of this run deep and we are rewounded constantly in this mainstream society that screams at us what we should be so it can sell sell sell what we don’t need. Sure, we need stuff, but not quite like it’s sold and certainly not so freakin’ much. In the end, it’s always what’s on the inside that counts.
Anyhow, I am always mesmerized at how much conflict there is in real relationships. Dealing with reality in a respectful was is probably best.
What that looks like for you, I do not know.
I only offer my perspective, no advice.
Matt,
Both of you sound rather unhappy. Is there a reason you’re staying together? What reason do you think she’d give for being with you herself?
Certainly it’s easier and more socially acceptable to be part of a couple, but when there’s more misery than anything else, it can’t be worth it.
I’ve been holding back commenting, but Matt, I agree with Crystal in that you both seem unhappy/ incompatible. A couple things I noticed:
1. The triangulation of your romantic relationship by adding your mum into the mix. That (to me) stands out like a huge red flag.
2. You feel detached, unhappy, you’re sick of arguing. Yet you care immensely for your girlfriend whom you portray as somewhat selfish and dismissive of your feelings. Or do you care more about the sex?
Why are you sticking around if you are so unhappy in this relationship? Do you think she doesn’t notice that you (by going silent) pick your mum over her? You don’t think that is hurtful to your girlfriend, because you claim that YOU are the injured party.
Apologies for not soft stepping here, but who is hurting who? Seems like a drama triangle.
Well put, SS. The mother thing bothered me too much for me to comment on. Especially calling her his ‘best friend’–SO inappropriate for a grown man to play that role for mama. And for the mother to encourage him in it…yikes. No wonder his girlfriend is ill.
The mum thing bothered me too at first, but then I recall how my mom used to meet my girlfriends and I learned that she was a better judge of character than I was, most of the time. She could predict a rat a mile away.
All that aside, Matt, simply put, you can do better, so you ought to say goodbye to this grouchy woman and find a nicer one, who’s not so high maintenance.
And tell your mum you’re a grown-ass man, and she should mind her own business.
I appreciate the feedback, thank you. I need to sit down and seriously think about my situation – I’m responded in the last comment box because it’s easier!
However, I do feel like I need to respond to a comment above.
If I’ve offended someone, then me I wasn’t trying to. I simply put my feelings into a comment and for the record, I know she was hurt by it, I’ve apologized until I’m sick of the word I’m sorry, I’ve also argued with my Mum about it too, so it’s your opinion that I was wrong trying to diffuse the situation by saying it wasn’t bought out of spite? The world doesn’t evolve around people, if her parents lavished a gift on her, I’D SIMPLY BE HAPPY FOR HER!!! WHY WOULDN’T I BE! I’m really struggling to see how my only parent who is alive and saying she was my best friend is “playing a role” – you wonder why I’m responded to that? Who the hell? I guess I’ll give Hollywood a call and as for a job eh?
Her illness began long before the fall out, it was only diagnosed very recently. Like the doctor says, it’s food intake and can happen to anyone apparently and it’s completely taking over her life. It’s stopped her running, it’s increased her eating habits which they said it would and she hates looking in the mirror. l absolutely hate this illness, so I completely resent the comments above, however, I will take the comments on board and speak with her. It’s evident that I need too, thank you for your input.
I’m doing this in reverse, I simply can’t date a Trump voter. I feel like I know what that says about a person and I want nothing to do with it. Of course all the guys who contact me on a dating site are Trump voters, so I tried to see further into them and go out but I’ve come to the conclusion that dismissing them as a possibility up front saves time. So now I’m starting to date a guy who voted HRC, seems honest and loyal. But he drinks a lot, like a lot of his life is around drinking and I hardly drink at all. I’m wondering if I’m doing the “his drinking say’s X about him” because I’m being a bit judgemental in my head about it. But maybe it doesn’t mean emotionally unavailable and unreliable and I plan on haveing a few more dates to try not to make assumptions about what it means. But honestly I think I’d rather be alone forever than be with a Trump voter, so I may be being over accepting of the flaws of the few HRC voters I find. Am I ? I have a feeling he is a bit co dependent and not really over his ex, but I’m blowing that off. I live in a place that is largely pro Trump and worry about my odds.
Monica,
Please do not go out dating politics first.
I have a guy friend who I see *eye to eye* with on politics and who wants to date me, but I will not because he has other behaviors that are a deal breaker to me. Even though our politics mesh, our lifestyles do not.
I have a friend (fellow democrat) who says things I very very much adamantly disagree with. Her words sadden me sometimes, but she is one of the best humans I have met and could ever imagine meeting. She has changed my life in immensely power ways. I wouldn’t want to give her up for the world.
Obviously if a man is using the recent election results to advertise his bigotry, this is a definite red flag. Run.
But don’t go out defining dating by politics. Bad way to start.
As an agnostic feminist progressive democrat, would I date a religious republican who respectfully voices thoughts on feminism?
Yup. If he were a good person who treated himself and I with composure, respect, and dignity.
Monica,
Also, politics change, too. I used to identify Republican because my family ridiculed me if I did not, then I grew up and chose for myself.
Partisan politics is a lot of semantics, so who knows what I’ll or anybody will identify with in the future?
Monica,
Too much drinking, nor over ex, and codependent are all HUGE code red flags. Walk away, walk away, or better yet RUN.
It’shardtoknow, you have a really good point, I need to not put labels on things and see what kind of person they are at heart.
Jennifer, you are right. he talks non stop, but interrupts me and does not really respond to what I say. It’s like he just wants an audience, without any curiosity about me. We spent many hours together two days in a row in that pattern and he’s wanting me to come over again, (I have to go to him, due to his not wanting to use the gas) it feels like he just hates being alone. It is clearly lots of red flags. why is it only clear when someone else points it out? and I know I was doing the last chance saloon thing, so hard not to think that at 48. thanks for replying!!!! I really needed to hear both those points of view!