When you pretend to be something you’re not, doing things not because they reflect who you are but because it’s what you’ve always done, what you think is expected, or what you believe will ‘get’ you love or help you avoid negative outcomes, you are playing a role. This role you assume within your interpersonal relationships cuts you off from intimacy.
Pretending leads to feelings of rejection and abandonment. It’s like thinking, ‘I did everything right. I even tried to be just like you or your Perfect Woman/Man/Person, and you still don’t want me? I must be really unlovable!’
Your role(s) likely date back to childhood. It’s what you learned to do to feel okay, to fit into the family, and to secure love and approval. However, it’s holding you back and putting you in a child role, turning your romantic partners into parental replacements. Roles invariably lead to anger and disappointment because of the expectation of the part others ‘should’ play. When you people-please and are not rewarded, running into issues seems grossly unfair, but you ultimately blame yourself for not being ‘enough’.
So, back on the hamster wheel you go.
You can’t be accepted for who you are if you’ve never been yourself long enough for others to know and understand you.
For more on authentic, loving relationships, check out my book Love, Care, Trust and Respect.
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