Ok so recently I have been having all these light bulb moments. You know, those instances where in a single second, you find the meaning you have been searching for your whole life! Yeh those.
So this one I want to share with you guys, especially for those of you hat are finding it hard to move away from your unavailable men or from those bad breakups.
Here is something that dawned me as I was listening to a CD from a relationship expert. At the time she was talking about finding your perfect soul mate, and how in order to do that then you needed to clear some negative emotions that may be holding you back.
But one of the most profound things that she said, was that you don’t have to ever stop loving any man.
That essentially you could love more than one man in your life. She even said that she loves many men, but at the same time, rarely thinks about them.
Now let me explain …..
In this instance she was talking about past ex’s or anyone in your life who you still had feelings. Rather what she said; you can still love your man, you just have to stop obsessing over him.
Now here is the thing. I think that there is a crude line between love and obsession. But I think some of us, when we are so caught up in something see a blurring of this line.
So much so that it comes to the point of, do I really love this man, or have I just convinced myself that I really do? Is this really love or is it lust?
Because love is hardly something that is superficial. In many ways love is about self sacrifice. Really think about it. That topic I will leave for discussion another time.
So getting back on track… What I am attempting to explain is that during breakups, usually you will get the advice, ohh just forget him. He’s a loser, you deserve better and its time to get up and move on. Heck I think I have even been guilty of giving some of those suggestions.
But here is the thing. What if, instead of saying all those things and in essence FORCE yourself to stop loving this guy, who you do love. That you just ACCEPT it. That you continue to love him in that special way.
In other words, you allow yourself … you surrender to the fact that you gave this guy a piece of your heart and it is something that you are never going to get back.
Now even though this seems tough, it is one of the most liberating feelings in the world. Because when you allow yourself to say “Ok I love this guy and I’m going to reserve a special place for him in my heart regardless” then you kind of end up being in total and complete peace with yourself.
You stop trying to “not” feel these feelings that you feel. You end up being true to who you are and how you feel.
With many of my ex’s I knew when I had truly moved on from them when I could say … ” you know what, I’m glad that he gave me that experience, I’m better off for it and I wish him all the best.
When you can say that about your ex and then move on .. that is when your liberation comes and that is really when you can start moving on to new and better things.
With that said, I want to leave you guys with a poem that I wrote during my first big breakup.
I find it provides a glimpse of hope, in times of so called despair.
Enjoy it =)
Open heartbreak
I miss you. But I don’t need you.
I love you. But I can love another more.
I wish you would come back. But I can move on.
I wish you would fight for me. But I’ll find someone who will.
I hurt. But I’ll learn to love again.
I’m angry. But I’ll forgive.
I’m lonely. But I’ll soon be connected.
I hate you. But I thank you for everything I’ve learned.
Life was so good with you. But it will be extraordinary with someone else.
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HAF – Wow. It sounds so simple, so profound, and makes so much sense.
.. But. You mention ” Is this really love or is it lust?”. While sometimes the confusion is about lust and sexual desire, I think other times the ‘obsessing’ is about other attachments – maybe similar to belief or faith, maybe devotion or when we give our all and see that it isn’t enough.
Great post!
I think the whole point about recognizing who and what a EUM is – and our own accountability in keeping the drama/pain/anxiety of the hot-cold bafflement going is about realizing that we DON’T love or like being treated like that, and we DON’T respect, admire, fantasize about or hope for someone who behaves with such disregard for our hearts.
If he doesn’t value me or my time – and I see it clearly – why would I possibly continue ‘loving’ him ? (lusting over him is even futile and self-destructive at that point).
I think to say you still love a EUM is to still be obsessing.
Moving on at some point with clarity and understanding for what happenned, to be without residual bitterness, anger, or regret, that is a great place to be.
But I don’t think you get there when you still are saying present tense any form of I love him.
Past tense maybe you loved what you hoped for with him, and imagined him to be, because you were emotionally invested in yout fantasies…
So yes, it is important to feel our feelings and not be in denail – it is just that hopefully at some point you love yourself (value and respect how you are consistently treated in a relationship) more than you still moon over/love him, and you move on in your head and your life…
I have done this. It works. And it feels so good to have that person in my heart.
I want to thank all who contribute to this site. I have to tell you it has done more to help me than 2 years of counseling and medication. That said, I must agree with ‘loving Annie”. The roller-coaster through emotional hell that my MM took me through was beyond belief. He hurt me more than words can convey. I have to say that the only sane course of action I can figure is to TRY to do better with the no contact–and put all of it in the past. And to see him for the bastard he really is.
Do any of you have the ”problem” of an out of town mm who is blowing very cold sending you brief e-mails asking for a quick response. Usually a factual question or sending me a joke. Just enough so that I can’t forget about him. Just enough so that the ”scab” is pulled away from the wound and I once again have to start over forgetting him? Very clever of him to try to keep nme on the hook, have his marriage AND another mistress. (I told him under NO circumstances will I be with him while he’s with his other mistress) My low self-esteem would have allowed me to contine seeing him, waiting for the mythical right time to come when he would divorce his ”frigid srew of a wife”..ha she’s probably lovely.
I agree with abril, just enough to keep you hanging on – that goes for married men and single men – just incase he needs you one day – just in case the other mistress tells him to get lost – just in case…
Loving Annie has a very good point: I think to say you still love a EUM is to still be obsessing.
it is so true and very dangerous to think that, because it wasn’t love – we didn’t know it back then, but we do now – it was obsession and very dysfunctional.
Under normal circumstances, yes, he can have a piece of your heart, I dated a man long before I got married, he was a few years older, looking for different things than I was at the time, I was still in school, still lived at home, still growing up. He treated me very good and he eventually found the right woman for him.
This guy was normal and whenever I fly to my home country, we have coffee together and catch up on each others lifes and these type of men are not doing this for – just in case.
Don’t respond to him, Abril. Ignore him. He’s just getting his ego stroked by getting ANY kind of a response from you.
Let his wife respond to him.
Assclown.
Great post HAF, and it’s true.
Unfortunately these days it is so much easier to be and stay angry. Anger is so consuming. And it hurts only you. Sends out negative ‘vibes’ to the universe as well, if you want to put it that way.
When you say to yourself that it is ok that you loved and still love this person, but, you do not nor can be with them. That is when you can move on.
It is making peace.
And you have to, for you.
Having friends tell you ‘you can do better, best forget him’ comes off as dismissive. It demeans that love that you truly feel. Feel it. Then put it away.
You will feel better, I promise.
Thanks Loving Annie. I am trying to be true to my vow of NC. Sometimes I have taken the bait, that is given in and responded to his e-mails. I’m always sorry. He doesn’t call any longer (had my number changed). Basically our only contact is through e-mail. Now he tells me he’s coming to town next week and would dearly love to see me (for old times sake, of course). I have promised myself and the universe that I will NOT see this man again.
Maybe one day I’ll be at the position where cheekie is…I think we all work these things out in our heads differently. I do not really have anger towards him. I did. But now I just want to be able to say, ‘hey, a whole day went by and I didn’t think of him once’. That’ll be good enough for me.
Hey abril,
just hold tight and keep the faith. it took me a long time to get here.
and it’s true, only time can do it. there is nothing magical, nothing anyone can say to you that will make it happen any faster for YOU.
but it will happen. just be kind to yourself.
it’s like quitting smoking or anything else that’s bad for us.
cold turkey, cutting back, the patch…all different methods to get to the same place.
we’re all different and chose the one that will work for you and stick to it…
too bad there wasn’t a ‘man patch’ huh?
🙂
xo
Cheekie – ‘Man patch”. LOL! That is great! My body would be covered! LOL
Abril – my rel w/my EUM was long distance. He did that at least twice a month after ending it with me & he had someone else. Eventually when he got no response from me he gave up contact. In my case there were several reasons why he contacted me & they weren’t to keep his foot in the door but they were all very self serving reasons. He need something from me, wanted to make sure we were still “friends” in case I confronted him when in town. It was all small talk, factual stuff. It is hard to go from being the “love of his life” to an acquaintance in the blink of an eye. If I have learned anything in this process of pain it is that more than anything else they are selfish, selfish, selfish & everything they do only serves their purpose. Hence why he came to me in the 1st place.
HAF, I cannot keep saying to myself that I “love” my ex-EUM because for me it is contradictory to the steps I am making to move on with my life. I know deep down in my heart that I continue to have feelings for him, and yes, you could probably say that I do love him, but I think for me it has to be about forgiveness rather than love in order for me to heal and move on. In this case, love is a wasted emotion in my situation. But, I do believe that it is very important to forgive in order to truly move on with your life. Harboring ill will and negative feelings and emotions for someone just keeps you their prisoner.
You don’t just stop loving someone even if there are a million reasons for it, that is the greatest thing about it, its the capability of loving someone even when there are no reasons for it. You just love them and if that gets thrown back at your face like mine was a million times, you learn and accept that you feel what you feel and not having that appreciated does not mean its wrong or bad.
I love my man truly and honestly, in fact he’s the only one I have truly loved. I can’t switch it off even if I hope I can. Its there and it will probably be there for a long long time. If the love of a good honest strong woman was just not enough or good for him, that’s something real for him which means I have to accept that and I think I have.
Ladies, self sacrifice sounds glorified but what happens while we do this is our self esteem takes a beating, I have been there, its one thing giving and taking or even if its a 80/20 but totally another thing giving, giving and giving and getting that abused, its not healthy and no one should stick around and do it. Its time to bail out.
Life is about feeling good and its hard enough without having someone (in my case) taking a shot at me every single time. Yes I love him, yes I still care for him and yes it makes me want to cry when I think of all the times he lied and cheated on me, what do I do ? Stick around for more ??
Its a habit and habits can be broken. I went out on my first date last Sunday and nope I ain’t crazy about the guy but he treated me like a queen, know how that felt even if I was not crazy in love with him ? GOOD. It felt good and I think my self esteem shot up to the sky.
So ladies, its enough really, start dating, start having fun, no need to go out there and lay your heart on the line but for me its time.
This site has helped me tremendously and I am grateful to NML, HAF and every single one of you who has the courage to seek instead of hide.
God Bless
Hear hear!!!
A lot of things still remind me of him, particularly some of the music that’s out at the moment, which I always get subjected to when I’m inebriated in some night club! So I have cried over him recently but the feelings come and go. Often it feels as though I don’t feel anything for him and then at other times I really really miss him and start to conjure up ways of being able to bump into him again. But it’s only a way of coping, of telling myself that I am in control and if I really wanted to then I could. But I won’t. And it’s good to know that it’s OK to still have these feelings. Because how frustrating would it be to try to deny or to quash them. And that poem, wow!!! Very inspiring – thanks for sharing!
burgled
music has a lot to answer for, mix it with alcohol and wait for the bang.
mine biggy at the mo is Will Young – Grace and Britainy – Womaniser.
luckily i smile when i hear them though.
Totally agree. Just gone through a painful and confusing breakup. It’s was a longdistance relationship and we’d just had a fantastic pre-christmas weekend together talking about being together next Christmas, what we were going to do in the summer holiday and that he would lie in bed holding me forever staring into my eyes if he could. He goes to his parents for the festivities, tells me what an absolutly lovely time he had…and then four days later dumps me by text because he misses me too much and can’t do the long distance thing. Yeah, I said it was a confusing break-up…
Anyway, I was SO ANGRY at him I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t eat and I was just beating myself up all the time obsessing about what I’d done wrong. Until I decided not to hate him any more and not be angry. It does work. You might not think so at the time but it does. I have accepted that I love him and that I can’t do anything about that until it fades naturally. Stop fighting the feeling – it will make you ill. xx
Jo,
Boy, he sounds like a real prince. What a creep to dump you by text.
You’re right about not holding on to the anger though, all it it does is hurt us.
Wow, I just found this website last night and can’t stop reading it. Its like having a 100 best girl friends telling me exactly what I need to hear. I just ended my A, 7 days ago by NC. I’m married, still no D day, thankfully. I’ve cried my eyes out, drank and smoked myself sick, and spent days in the clouds wallowing in my own self pity, occasionally breaking into the sunshine by listening to woman empowerment songs like Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” and Pink’s “U and Ur hand.” I’m highly successful, well educated, affluent, and from all outward appearances have everything. I fell for a sweet talking single handsome man who was an emotional and physical mess, borderline homeless, devout Christian (or so he led me to believe). OMG, how did i EVER fall for him???? So hard it hurt. Crazy. Almost left my marriage to be with him, but didn’t. Yes, he was cheating on me, not once, but three times that I know of. I never would have accepted this behavior before. The sex was amazing, he said all the right things, made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, his soul-mate, we were meant to be together, etc…wow. Hook, line and sinker. I do love him, probably always will, even after everything. I agree that you can still say “you will always have a piece of my heart”, but you will NEVER control my heart ever again. NC has to be the way to do it. I tried to quit the A multiple times. This time I am sticking to it. This site has given me the strength to see the A for what it was, an addiction. I accept full responsibility for my actions though. I am the one who screwed up. Im working on repairing my marriage. Thank you to everyone out there for helping me.
It is a wonderful thing to continue to love, but I think that is what got us all to this site in the first place…or maybe that was continuing to hope. I’ve found that I do still love all of my exes, and men in my past, in ways, but it’s only something that can happen after the initial separation – the separation that EUMs are quite reluctant to allow.
And yes, I think you must admit to yourself that you do “love” this person, whatever that means to you, in order to be able to get through the pain and grief of losing them. If you’re not admitting the loss, that puts you in the anger/denial phase indefinitely. Yuck.
I agree. If you surrender them over to the universe, say a prayer for them and honor the love you had in your heart for them (from a distance of course) it is much easier to let it all go. We are not wrong for having loved, but now we must love ourselves more.