upset woman leaning against a treeMarianne asks: I am reeling after my boyfriend of the past 18 months came to me and said that he’s met someone else, he hasn’t cheated on me, but he doesn’t want to continue our relationship. This was two months ago and now they’re a couple and by all accounts really happy, and I’m the rejected ex!

Over the past few months, he had said that things didn’t seem to be working with us and I admit that they weren’t ideal. I was crazy about him though and would have done anything for him and I thought that he would appreciate that. It’s not supposed to be like the movies – this is real life! I definitely did feel like there was a distance building between us and things just weren’t gelling but I thought we could work on it because I truly believed he was the one!

How am I supposed to get past this? Is he a bastard or as you call them, an assclown because I feel so betrayed!NML says: Marianne, Marianne, Marianne! I think if you read your email out loud to yourself, you would answer most of these questions for yourself!

There are assclowns out there, that go out with you, meet someone else…and start screwing the girl behind your back and conducting a double life. The first you hear of it is when you catch him red handed and confront him, or when she puts her foot down and tells him to make his choice.

Now I admit that it’s not very nice knowing that your man has fallen for someone else but the difference between him and those assclowns is that he had enough integrity and courage in his nuts to be honest with you and end things. That doesn’t make him an assclown; that makes him a decent guy in a no doubt highly uncomfortable situation.

In your mind he was ‘The One’ despite a struggling relationship which you readily admit. This suggests to me that you’re more in love with the idea of him and keeping him and whatever potential you thought you both had than you are about getting real.

Not every relationship is destined to be ‘The One’. Some relationships work, some don’t. Some have very tangible reasons for ending, others don’t, but they either work…or they don’t. You either both want to stay, or you don’t.

Now regardless of what you think, you are in a situation where your relationship has ended. He is the one who has ended it and it’s not just because he met someone else and would have been uncomfortable with the deception, but also because your relationship was going to end anyway.

Now unfortunately, what this says is that you want a relationship with someone that doesn’t want it with you, and from the moment this happens, this is a signal for you to step back.

Wanting a relationship with someone who doesn’t want you is like self-mutilation, especially when he has moved on!

You need to consider the fact that he either didn’t recognise how great you are enough to want you and keep trying, or that regardless his heart wasn’t in it, and either way you look, something wasn’t right with this relationship. This in itself, doesn’t make a relationship with him very attractive. Why do you love and want someone who doesn’t love and want you?

The fact that he met someone else is just the straw that broke the donkey’s back, but the thing is, if you meet someone and you truly want to find out if you have what it takes, you have to take a chance on it. This is why I regard cheaters as major cowards because they hedge their bets but if you’re considering being with someone else, that’s not a great sign for your existing relationship in the first place. I know people who have been in the same situation as your ex – for a lot of them it worked out, and for some it didn’t. That is real life.

You mention that “It’s not supposed to be like the movies” – that’s true but I think that you have gone the other way and are far too passive about your relationships and you’re prepared to settle for mediocrity or so so middle of the road. Relationships need love, commitment, a foundation, and two people with both feet in them and unfortunately, yours had this missing.

Don’t project your feelings and opinions on your partners – What you feel is not the same as what he felt. What you were satisfied with was not what he was satisfied with. If relationships were based on how much you did for someone, the great majority of readers wouldn’t have the problems they do, and at the end of the day, it takes more than “appreciation” to keep a relationship together.

Stop focusing on being rejected because saying ‘Let’s break up’ is just what makes the end of a relationship final, but in reality, some relationships are long over or on their way out before these words ever get uttered.

She’s not why you broke up – your relationship with him and its issues were why you broke up. Meeting her just made it final.

Unless you want to subscribe to on-the-way-out relationships, it’s now time to pick up yourself and start getting on with your own life and accepting that whatever non gelling relationship you had with him, you won’t be settling for that feeling next time round.

Your thoughts?

My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out soon but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.

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