Marianne asks: I am reeling after my boyfriend of the past 18 months came to me and said that he’s met someone else, he hasn’t cheated on me, but he doesn’t want to continue our relationship. This was two months ago and now they’re a couple and by all accounts really happy, and I’m the rejected ex!
Over the past few months, he had said that things didn’t seem to be working with us and I admit that they weren’t ideal. I was crazy about him though and would have done anything for him and I thought that he would appreciate that. It’s not supposed to be like the movies – this is real life! I definitely did feel like there was a distance building between us and things just weren’t gelling but I thought we could work on it because I truly believed he was the one!
How am I supposed to get past this? Is he a bastard or as you call them, an assclown because I feel so betrayed!NML says: Marianne, Marianne, Marianne! I think if you read your email out loud to yourself, you would answer most of these questions for yourself!
There are assclowns out there, that go out with you, meet someone else…and start screwing the girl behind your back and conducting a double life. The first you hear of it is when you catch him red handed and confront him, or when she puts her foot down and tells him to make his choice.
Now I admit that it’s not very nice knowing that your man has fallen for someone else but the difference between him and those assclowns is that he had enough integrity and courage in his nuts to be honest with you and end things. That doesn’t make him an assclown; that makes him a decent guy in a no doubt highly uncomfortable situation.
In your mind he was ‘The One’ despite a struggling relationship which you readily admit. This suggests to me that you’re more in love with the idea of him and keeping him and whatever potential you thought you both had than you are about getting real.
Not every relationship is destined to be ‘The One’. Some relationships work, some don’t. Some have very tangible reasons for ending, others don’t, but they either work…or they don’t. You either both want to stay, or you don’t.
Now regardless of what you think, you are in a situation where your relationship has ended. He is the one who has ended it and it’s not just because he met someone else and would have been uncomfortable with the deception, but also because your relationship was going to end anyway.
Now unfortunately, what this says is that you want a relationship with someone that doesn’t want it with you, and from the moment this happens, this is a signal for you to step back.
Wanting a relationship with someone who doesn’t want you is like self-mutilation, especially when he has moved on!
You need to consider the fact that he either didn’t recognise how great you are enough to want you and keep trying, or that regardless his heart wasn’t in it, and either way you look, something wasn’t right with this relationship. This in itself, doesn’t make a relationship with him very attractive. Why do you love and want someone who doesn’t love and want you?
The fact that he met someone else is just the straw that broke the donkey’s back, but the thing is, if you meet someone and you truly want to find out if you have what it takes, you have to take a chance on it. This is why I regard cheaters as major cowards because they hedge their bets but if you’re considering being with someone else, that’s not a great sign for your existing relationship in the first place. I know people who have been in the same situation as your ex – for a lot of them it worked out, and for some it didn’t. That is real life.
You mention that “It’s not supposed to be like the movies” – that’s true but I think that you have gone the other way and are far too passive about your relationships and you’re prepared to settle for mediocrity or so so middle of the road. Relationships need love, commitment, a foundation, and two people with both feet in them and unfortunately, yours had this missing.
Don’t project your feelings and opinions on your partners – What you feel is not the same as what he felt. What you were satisfied with was not what he was satisfied with. If relationships were based on how much you did for someone, the great majority of readers wouldn’t have the problems they do, and at the end of the day, it takes more than “appreciation” to keep a relationship together.
Stop focusing on being rejected because saying ‘Let’s break up’ is just what makes the end of a relationship final, but in reality, some relationships are long over or on their way out before these words ever get uttered.
She’s not why you broke up – your relationship with him and its issues were why you broke up. Meeting her just made it final.
Unless you want to subscribe to on-the-way-out relationships, it’s now time to pick up yourself and start getting on with your own life and accepting that whatever non gelling relationship you had with him, you won’t be settling for that feeling next time round.
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out soon but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.Find out more and download.
You may not see it right now while you’re in the throes of heartbreak and feeling rejected, but he has done you a huge favor by setting you free (in an honest way) to find the man who truly is right for you.
Always remember this: your destiny is never tied to anyone who can walk away from you!
So, as hard as it is to accept right now, situations like this are always a blessing in disguise; just bumps on the road to a happier destination.
Loving Annie
on 03/11/2008 at 7:05 pm
Oh if I only could have understood this starting at age 16 !!!
keri
on 03/11/2008 at 7:30 pm
I hear that Loving Annie… I wish I had learned this at a young age too…
bobby
on 03/11/2008 at 9:50 pm
Some or many may disagree with me, but I give a lot of credit to this guy. All too many times a guy opens up about a relationship that isn’t any longer for him, AFTER he has already cheated on the lady. That’s an assclown!
Look at it this way, he had enough respect for you to go about it the right way.
lisaq
on 03/11/2008 at 10:42 pm
Nicely put NML. Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on with your life focusing on you.
KN
on 04/11/2008 at 12:14 am
I will differ here by saying that the guy must have been having an emotional affair, and that’s not cool, either. Just because he didn’t physically cheat doesn’t make him a standup guy. I can’t imagine forming an emotional connection with another person while involved with someone else.
Carm
on 04/11/2008 at 1:54 am
I agree with KN. This guy may have been braver in comparison to other assclowns by breaking it off first before starting the new relationship. But, if he had said that things didn’t seem to be working for a few months already, why didn’t he just have the balls to end it the relationship at that point and be single for a while? Why does he have to meet a girl first in order to finally end it? I think he did display some cowardice in this situation.
myalmostlover
on 04/11/2008 at 6:18 am
NML…you’re absolutely right. This man at least had the decency to tell her that he found someone else, that is the right thing to do.
I had to endure being with a man for two years that cheated on me at the end of the relationship, who lied and lied about it. Who turned me into a detective to find the truth. I wish my xEUM had the cajones that this guy did.
So give me honesty anytime. I know it hurts but it’s much worse when the person you love cheats and then covers it up. My ex was a coward and when I discovered what he was doing and finally had the guts to walk away, guess who he blamed? Me of course. I swear assclowns have no shame.
Thanks all of you for your very astute comments. There is one particular point here that I am going to raise and I will certainly do a separate post on it because KN and Carm’s reflected a common attitude in these situations. This line in particular stood out “But, if he had said that things didn’t seem to be working for a few months already, why didn’t he just have the balls to end it the relationship at that point and be single for a while?”
That’s fair point when you also consider the other side and turn it on its head = Why, if a woman says it’s not gelling, there have been problems for the last few months and it’s not working didn’t *she* finish it. Why is he the person that is in the wrong here? Because the reality is, based on what she said, that she *certainly* wasn’t going to end things/let things go based on her attitude. Why is it just the guys responsibility to end it? Why didn’t she have the balls to end things and be single for a while? And btw, he did end things and waited a month before starting his new relationship.
Dazedandconfused
on 04/11/2008 at 3:48 pm
Your last comment here really has me… I have said that over and over. If he was so miserable why didn’t he leave. I went to our gym last night, well it was my gym and he started going there. He finally took the gloves off last night and brought the new g/f and proceeded to keep kissing her in front of me. It was awful! He used to go on and on about how great it was to finally have a g/f who worked out and bam just like that he has another one and she is coming to our gym. I couldn’t stand it but held my own and did not respond. We had just agreed at the end that neither of us would bring a new love interest there and shove it in each other’s faces but there he was. I can’t believe he has really just gone off and met another girl I thought maybe he was making her up. There she was though giggling and doing all the workouts together that we did.
I kept thinking on I got under his skin he’s doing this on purpose but maybe not and now I am wondering if he is happy and he just likes this girl more than he likes me to show her this affection.
Help!
keri
on 04/11/2008 at 4:02 pm
OH my god Dazed… I’m SO SORRY!!! I give you SO much credit for even staying there and finishing your workout.. Oh my god… I feel for you SO much.. That is the worst case scenerio in my situation .. so I don’t know how you did it..
I really don’t know what to say… but you are a STRONG woman to stay and finish.. I’m proud of you that you did..my only suggestion is to email him and say that you thought you both agreed NOT to bring a significant other to the gym… but you KNOW he’s not going to respond.. so that might not be the answer either…
Grr.. don’t know what to say..except you are one strong woman.. My heart fell into my stomach reading your post.
Dazedandconfused
on 04/11/2008 at 4:07 pm
I am not going to make contact because at this point in time after we had a really nasty fight a week or so ago I think he is doing this on purpose to get back at me so I am not even going to give him that pleasure. I pretended like I did not see him and I am just going to ignore him.
He will love it if he gets a rise out of me… I think. Maybe I am wrong though. I mean all I keep thinking it was I clingy and desperate when we were together… maybe he is happy with a new g/f and it’s within his right to do what he wants with her and take her where he wants. Perhaps he is not an assclown as I thought. I was the one that stooped to insults last time we spoke so maybe I am just getting what I deserved. Perhaps he really was protecting my feelings before by not bringing her there but once I lashed out a week ago and told him what I thought of him he might have finally thought that’s it if she is going to be mean I have no reason to be nice either.
Dazedandconfused
on 04/11/2008 at 4:33 pm
I am aware that I sought out this drama… I knew I was a drama seeker and he had stopped going to our gym… but then came back then I engaged in arguing with him and then he brought her around. I created this and I have to face what I am now getting.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum
on 04/11/2008 at 4:44 pm
NOT YOUR FAULT, DaC!!! He is a right bastard
keri
on 04/11/2008 at 4:50 pm
Dazed… I’m sorry your feeling this… Please try to stop blaming yourself.. What your doing is trying to get him to respond.. that’s why No contact works.. (as hard as it is) PLEASE go easy on yourself.. The more you try to get him to respond (yelling at him.. saying mean things which is UNDERSTANDABLE) He’s Just not. It’s “the dance”.. you take a step forward.. he takes a step back.
Time to take a step back and TURN in another direction.. (again.. as hard as that is) Honey.. he’s NEVER going to say what you want him to.. he’s NOT going to prostrate himself.. that is what makes him a big jerk! THAT is the part that is hard for you.. you’re thinking if you make it hard enough he has to say SOMETHING… right?
Hon.. you want his validation that you are worth it.. by yelling at him.. you are sending the signal “PLEASE.. JUST TELL ME I’M WORTH IT.. THAT YOU SAW SOMEONE WORTH LOVING BECAUSE I DON’T!!” Don’t give him that power.. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! I know it’s hard.. (trust me.. i’m in the same boat) but try to look to your friends and family to help validate you..
Be proud of yourself that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself.. exercising is important…Keep that up.. don’t stop going because of him… Keep it up!!!
Dazedandconfused
on 04/11/2008 at 5:02 pm
Thanks so much… I just keep seeing me. My friend just broke up with a guy who is just like me. She was telling me that his overcommunication would push her into this corner and send her running away and it was too much. I was like that… I would barely let him get a second away from me because I was so terrified of him leaving me.
So I just keep thinking oh if a nice girl is with him, she is confident, gives him breathing room he will be warm and kind as he was sometimes with me. And there she was last night laughing away with him… I can’t say for sure I have no idea how he treats her… I know this much last week he told me he was using this girl for sex and when she wanted more he would toss her aside… next thing I know he’s working out with her and kissing her in the gym! So he’s lying to someone!
FinallyOverIt
on 04/11/2008 at 5:08 pm
DAC, time to start NO CONTACT, and stick to it. I know it’s hard, but a lot of us have gone through having no contact, and it REALLY DOES WORK. At this point, it’s really the only thing you can do. Find the strength within you to do the right thing, which is move on and concentrate on getting emotionally healthy and learning to love and forgive yourself. This guy just isn’t worth the heartache you are going through…..
keri
on 04/11/2008 at 5:11 pm
Honey… Stop giving her the power.. (again.. harder said than done.. TRUST ME!!) I know it keeps you up at nite thinking “what does this girl have damn it???”
I want you to say it.. it just didn’t work out.
over and over again..
It just didn’t work out.
it just didn’t work out.
I think we fallback girls misdirect our blame.. we blame ourselves when this isn’t about us doing something wrong TO them.. but how we are doing something wrong to OURSELVES…
I know it’s SO HARD… but try to keep focusing on yourself. I know this hurts like hell.. but this is.. to some degree.. not real. We are making it real because in reality we should be saying.. “I KNOW THAT I AM FOCUSING SO MUCH ON HIS BEHAVIOR.. WHEN IN REALITY I AM SCARED TO DEATH THAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT WHY I DONT LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH.. SO I’LL CONTINUE TO FOCUS ON HIM.. CAUSE IT DOESNT SCARE ME AS MUCH”
does that sound right?
Dazedandconfused
on 04/11/2008 at 5:18 pm
That is partly right… I am focussing on me and seeing a professional so I am totally aware. I am actually SO FOCUSED on me that I am blaming myself entirely thinking he might have actually been an amazing guy and I blew it with all my issues and now he’s this great boyfriend to this sweet looking girl who gets to do all the stuff we did together but she is not clingy like me because she likes herself and doesn’t fear abandonment 24/7. So I try and remind myself of his behaviour to say even if I had been healthy he was not and would have done this to me and will do it to her too! But I am not sure anymore, all I see is my clingy desperate behaviour and how awful I feel now and how he tells people I was this psycho g/f… And I have cut contact until I ran into him last night I had gone 2 weeks of absolutely nothing and did not react last night, call text or so much as glance at him last night. I wasn’t going to give him that.
keri
on 04/11/2008 at 5:38 pm
dazed.. i’m in the SAME EXACT BOAT… in therapy.. working hard on myself.. and all i can think of is.. “WAS this my problem?” If I didn’t make a big deal about him not telling me how he felt EVER… I would be with him.. in the house we moved in together… doing the fun things that I used to do…
NO.. gotta ask yourself if being lonely with someone who isn’t expressive of his feelings is worth your own dreams and goals and desires for yourself? Even IF you both had so much in common.
Just know your not alone.. I’m thinking the same things hon..
I’m Signing off for now.
Dazedandconfused
on 04/11/2008 at 5:42 pm
Thanks!
Rubyblue
on 04/11/2008 at 8:39 pm
Well, I’m on the other side of the story…
I met a great guy online a few months ago. I was genuinely happy being alone after getting shot of an EUM in the spring.
We talked about everything, and relationships came up. I gave him some advice, to the effect that he needed to try and make things work with his gf, because apparently things were on the slide. Problem was, I was getting drawn to this guy, and him to me… it was clear something was happening. But still, I advised him and can put my hand on my heart to say I didn’t compromise my integrity – I told him the truth, that it obviously wasn’t as it should be, but he could do XYZ to help save it, if she was willing to do the necessary as well.
He realised what was going on: he was emotionally cheating. After having been cheated on twice himself and vowing never to hurt someone the same way, he knew that talking to me and being with her was wrong; besides, he and his gf knew things weren’t right. She’d apparently told him so, months ago. So it could have ended then, but they both chose to stay.
He subsequently broke things off with his ex, took a breather, and we have been seeing each other since August.
KN, you say that you couldn’t imagine cheating on someone in that way; I was once engaged and truly loved my fiance. About 5 years into the relationship, things started to slide. We were drifting apart (but living together!) and my attempts to fix the problem were met with denials of any problems, even hoots of derision. Never underestimate the power of an emotional connection – even if you are not looking for it, it finds you. And you are more vulnerable if you’re not getting it at home.
That’s what me and my boyfriend had. It was real, and we both are experiencing something all of our previous relationships had been sorely lacking – a powerful but healthy connection at all levels, passion, and total ease with each other. I am sorry it came at someone else’s emotional expense, but nobody is perfect. If the guy in this situation didn’t cheat, but realised he potentially could, he did the right thing. He’s not a coward, he’s a good guy at heart. Not perfect, but fundamentally GOOD. No ass-clownery. With that in mind, I’m confident in my boyfriend.
In that situation, I’d want to be treated with even a fraction of the honour both the dumped girlfriends were treated. Too many times I have been blanked as if I didn’t exist, been lied to, had my fears dismissed. It’s hard and it’s extremely hurtful, but ultimately he did the right thing.
RES
on 05/11/2008 at 10:30 pm
If only I knew then….it would have saved me 7 years of pain. Nicely put, NML.
Alika
on 24/11/2008 at 8:49 am
I am so depressed, I dont want any man in my life…ALL of them the same just making our life “HELL” 🙁
tina
on 05/12/2008 at 5:59 pm
I was with someone for 14 years. After a week vacation (with friends, who thought that we were “closer than ever”) and a month before my 40th birthday (when I thought I might be getting engaged), he broke up with me. No warning, no reasons, nothing. One day he was himself, we had a great phone conversation, the next day he never wanted to see me again. Before you start asking–Yes, he knew I wanted to get married and yes, he knew i wanted kids. We worked on restoring a house together (his house). We did not live together.
Two months later he starts dating an old friend (not in our social cirle) (she is divorced, 2 grown kids, they had been work friends for about 8 years, I knew of her, never met her-I trusted him.). Less than 10 months after that, he asks her and the kids to move in. He is happy. All of our common friends say that he is happy and that I should move on. I am not and I am finding it impossible to move on.
It has been a year and a half. I am still devastated. My entire life has been turned upside down. Now, in my 40’s, I need to find a new set of friends (only because everyone reminds me of him and they still hang out), learn how to date (I haven’t dated in 14 years), and figure out how to live by myself. I want a child. I want to be married. I used most of my savings re-doing the “house”. I am almost too old to have a child on my own. I do not have the cash to adopt.
From the above comments, I understand that he would be a “stand up guy” because he didn’t cheat.
Basically it took him 14 years to figure out that I was not the one?
Obviously, I blame myself for not pushing the issue of marriage (I didn’t because I wanted to be in a better financial position going into the marriage–until very recently that wasn’t possible). Honestly, we were happy (or so I thought). Every day I told him that I loved him and every day he answered back. I wanted him to be sure how I felt about him and wanted to be sure that he felt the same about me.
I am seeing a therapist. I am finding it impossible to forget about him and the pain is almost unbearable.
I guess he’s still a “stand up guy” because he didn’t cheat. Honestly, that really doesn’t help the hurt at all…
smittenkitt
on 31/01/2009 at 6:29 am
It was the same thing happened to me. How awful and how hurtful it was I always look in the bright side he’s the bastard one not me..I remain the faithful woman. And even so..ask my friends at work…they say I’m prettier and I don’t look like a someone who’s being dumped.
Just fake it until you make it…It’s very very very very another 100x hard..and I’m still even faking it. Motivating myself to get up and fight. Yes, sometimes I get tired but I just have to move on. Shit things happen and life isn’t fair and nothing we can do beside moving on.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum
on 31/01/2009 at 7:15 am
Oh Tina, oww, oww ouch. I’m also older, out of a long termer. We also never lived together. I guess they will just suck up on the free love as long as it is on offer? You must have had some signs that he was not in the same place as you, what were the agreements about what the relationship was about?
Basically it took mine 6 years to figure out that I was not the one. But I could have figured it out myself much sooner.
Again, so sorry dear heart, cups of tea and hot baths to you.
Tina
on 31/01/2009 at 8:54 pm
Hi Tina from another Tina. I can understand why you would be so hurt. You were building a life with him or so you thought. You invested your time and money into his projects which you thought were “our” projects.
I guess that is one good thing about being married. You probably would have gotten something for your investment; part of the house or something.
My ex AC didn’t want to live together or marry as he said he was too afraid, his social phobia, and he liked his space but when I was talking about buying a house, he perked up like a faithful dog and was all keen to buy an investment property with me. Hmmm he was willing to take on the commitment of a 30 year mortgage with me but he couldn’t commit to even de facto?
As hindsight is always 20/20, the house would have benefited him. Living together or marriage had no benefit to him and he might have actually had to contribute something by doing that so he certainly wasn’t going to do that!
I told him flat out I would never buy property with someone I wasn’t married to.
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You may not see it right now while you’re in the throes of heartbreak and feeling rejected, but he has done you a huge favor by setting you free (in an honest way) to find the man who truly is right for you.
Always remember this: your destiny is never tied to anyone who can walk away from you!
So, as hard as it is to accept right now, situations like this are always a blessing in disguise; just bumps on the road to a happier destination.
Oh if I only could have understood this starting at age 16 !!!
I hear that Loving Annie… I wish I had learned this at a young age too…
Some or many may disagree with me, but I give a lot of credit to this guy. All too many times a guy opens up about a relationship that isn’t any longer for him, AFTER he has already cheated on the lady. That’s an assclown!
Look at it this way, he had enough respect for you to go about it the right way.
Nicely put NML. Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on with your life focusing on you.
I will differ here by saying that the guy must have been having an emotional affair, and that’s not cool, either. Just because he didn’t physically cheat doesn’t make him a standup guy. I can’t imagine forming an emotional connection with another person while involved with someone else.
I agree with KN. This guy may have been braver in comparison to other assclowns by breaking it off first before starting the new relationship. But, if he had said that things didn’t seem to be working for a few months already, why didn’t he just have the balls to end it the relationship at that point and be single for a while? Why does he have to meet a girl first in order to finally end it? I think he did display some cowardice in this situation.
NML…you’re absolutely right. This man at least had the decency to tell her that he found someone else, that is the right thing to do.
I had to endure being with a man for two years that cheated on me at the end of the relationship, who lied and lied about it. Who turned me into a detective to find the truth. I wish my xEUM had the cajones that this guy did.
So give me honesty anytime. I know it hurts but it’s much worse when the person you love cheats and then covers it up. My ex was a coward and when I discovered what he was doing and finally had the guts to walk away, guess who he blamed? Me of course. I swear assclowns have no shame.
Thanks all of you for your very astute comments. There is one particular point here that I am going to raise and I will certainly do a separate post on it because KN and Carm’s reflected a common attitude in these situations. This line in particular stood out “But, if he had said that things didn’t seem to be working for a few months already, why didn’t he just have the balls to end it the relationship at that point and be single for a while?”
That’s fair point when you also consider the other side and turn it on its head = Why, if a woman says it’s not gelling, there have been problems for the last few months and it’s not working didn’t *she* finish it. Why is he the person that is in the wrong here? Because the reality is, based on what she said, that she *certainly* wasn’t going to end things/let things go based on her attitude. Why is it just the guys responsibility to end it? Why didn’t she have the balls to end things and be single for a while? And btw, he did end things and waited a month before starting his new relationship.
Your last comment here really has me… I have said that over and over. If he was so miserable why didn’t he leave. I went to our gym last night, well it was my gym and he started going there. He finally took the gloves off last night and brought the new g/f and proceeded to keep kissing her in front of me. It was awful! He used to go on and on about how great it was to finally have a g/f who worked out and bam just like that he has another one and she is coming to our gym. I couldn’t stand it but held my own and did not respond. We had just agreed at the end that neither of us would bring a new love interest there and shove it in each other’s faces but there he was. I can’t believe he has really just gone off and met another girl I thought maybe he was making her up. There she was though giggling and doing all the workouts together that we did.
I kept thinking on I got under his skin he’s doing this on purpose but maybe not and now I am wondering if he is happy and he just likes this girl more than he likes me to show her this affection.
Help!
OH my god Dazed… I’m SO SORRY!!! I give you SO much credit for even staying there and finishing your workout.. Oh my god… I feel for you SO much.. That is the worst case scenerio in my situation .. so I don’t know how you did it..
I really don’t know what to say… but you are a STRONG woman to stay and finish.. I’m proud of you that you did..my only suggestion is to email him and say that you thought you both agreed NOT to bring a significant other to the gym… but you KNOW he’s not going to respond.. so that might not be the answer either…
Grr.. don’t know what to say..except you are one strong woman.. My heart fell into my stomach reading your post.
I am not going to make contact because at this point in time after we had a really nasty fight a week or so ago I think he is doing this on purpose to get back at me so I am not even going to give him that pleasure. I pretended like I did not see him and I am just going to ignore him.
He will love it if he gets a rise out of me… I think. Maybe I am wrong though. I mean all I keep thinking it was I clingy and desperate when we were together… maybe he is happy with a new g/f and it’s within his right to do what he wants with her and take her where he wants. Perhaps he is not an assclown as I thought. I was the one that stooped to insults last time we spoke so maybe I am just getting what I deserved. Perhaps he really was protecting my feelings before by not bringing her there but once I lashed out a week ago and told him what I thought of him he might have finally thought that’s it if she is going to be mean I have no reason to be nice either.
I am aware that I sought out this drama… I knew I was a drama seeker and he had stopped going to our gym… but then came back then I engaged in arguing with him and then he brought her around. I created this and I have to face what I am now getting.
NOT YOUR FAULT, DaC!!! He is a right bastard
Dazed… I’m sorry your feeling this… Please try to stop blaming yourself.. What your doing is trying to get him to respond.. that’s why No contact works.. (as hard as it is) PLEASE go easy on yourself.. The more you try to get him to respond (yelling at him.. saying mean things which is UNDERSTANDABLE) He’s Just not. It’s “the dance”.. you take a step forward.. he takes a step back.
Time to take a step back and TURN in another direction.. (again.. as hard as that is) Honey.. he’s NEVER going to say what you want him to.. he’s NOT going to prostrate himself.. that is what makes him a big jerk! THAT is the part that is hard for you.. you’re thinking if you make it hard enough he has to say SOMETHING… right?
Hon.. you want his validation that you are worth it.. by yelling at him.. you are sending the signal “PLEASE.. JUST TELL ME I’M WORTH IT.. THAT YOU SAW SOMEONE WORTH LOVING BECAUSE I DON’T!!” Don’t give him that power.. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! I know it’s hard.. (trust me.. i’m in the same boat) but try to look to your friends and family to help validate you..
Be proud of yourself that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself.. exercising is important…Keep that up.. don’t stop going because of him… Keep it up!!!
Thanks so much… I just keep seeing me. My friend just broke up with a guy who is just like me. She was telling me that his overcommunication would push her into this corner and send her running away and it was too much. I was like that… I would barely let him get a second away from me because I was so terrified of him leaving me.
So I just keep thinking oh if a nice girl is with him, she is confident, gives him breathing room he will be warm and kind as he was sometimes with me. And there she was last night laughing away with him… I can’t say for sure I have no idea how he treats her… I know this much last week he told me he was using this girl for sex and when she wanted more he would toss her aside… next thing I know he’s working out with her and kissing her in the gym! So he’s lying to someone!
DAC, time to start NO CONTACT, and stick to it. I know it’s hard, but a lot of us have gone through having no contact, and it REALLY DOES WORK. At this point, it’s really the only thing you can do. Find the strength within you to do the right thing, which is move on and concentrate on getting emotionally healthy and learning to love and forgive yourself. This guy just isn’t worth the heartache you are going through…..
Honey… Stop giving her the power.. (again.. harder said than done.. TRUST ME!!) I know it keeps you up at nite thinking “what does this girl have damn it???”
I want you to say it.. it just didn’t work out.
over and over again..
It just didn’t work out.
it just didn’t work out.
I think we fallback girls misdirect our blame.. we blame ourselves when this isn’t about us doing something wrong TO them.. but how we are doing something wrong to OURSELVES…
I know it’s SO HARD… but try to keep focusing on yourself. I know this hurts like hell.. but this is.. to some degree.. not real. We are making it real because in reality we should be saying.. “I KNOW THAT I AM FOCUSING SO MUCH ON HIS BEHAVIOR.. WHEN IN REALITY I AM SCARED TO DEATH THAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT WHY I DONT LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH.. SO I’LL CONTINUE TO FOCUS ON HIM.. CAUSE IT DOESNT SCARE ME AS MUCH”
does that sound right?
That is partly right… I am focussing on me and seeing a professional so I am totally aware. I am actually SO FOCUSED on me that I am blaming myself entirely thinking he might have actually been an amazing guy and I blew it with all my issues and now he’s this great boyfriend to this sweet looking girl who gets to do all the stuff we did together but she is not clingy like me because she likes herself and doesn’t fear abandonment 24/7. So I try and remind myself of his behaviour to say even if I had been healthy he was not and would have done this to me and will do it to her too! But I am not sure anymore, all I see is my clingy desperate behaviour and how awful I feel now and how he tells people I was this psycho g/f… And I have cut contact until I ran into him last night I had gone 2 weeks of absolutely nothing and did not react last night, call text or so much as glance at him last night. I wasn’t going to give him that.
dazed.. i’m in the SAME EXACT BOAT… in therapy.. working hard on myself.. and all i can think of is.. “WAS this my problem?” If I didn’t make a big deal about him not telling me how he felt EVER… I would be with him.. in the house we moved in together… doing the fun things that I used to do…
NO.. gotta ask yourself if being lonely with someone who isn’t expressive of his feelings is worth your own dreams and goals and desires for yourself? Even IF you both had so much in common.
Just know your not alone.. I’m thinking the same things hon..
I’m Signing off for now.
Thanks!
Well, I’m on the other side of the story…
I met a great guy online a few months ago. I was genuinely happy being alone after getting shot of an EUM in the spring.
We talked about everything, and relationships came up. I gave him some advice, to the effect that he needed to try and make things work with his gf, because apparently things were on the slide. Problem was, I was getting drawn to this guy, and him to me… it was clear something was happening. But still, I advised him and can put my hand on my heart to say I didn’t compromise my integrity – I told him the truth, that it obviously wasn’t as it should be, but he could do XYZ to help save it, if she was willing to do the necessary as well.
He realised what was going on: he was emotionally cheating. After having been cheated on twice himself and vowing never to hurt someone the same way, he knew that talking to me and being with her was wrong; besides, he and his gf knew things weren’t right. She’d apparently told him so, months ago. So it could have ended then, but they both chose to stay.
He subsequently broke things off with his ex, took a breather, and we have been seeing each other since August.
KN, you say that you couldn’t imagine cheating on someone in that way; I was once engaged and truly loved my fiance. About 5 years into the relationship, things started to slide. We were drifting apart (but living together!) and my attempts to fix the problem were met with denials of any problems, even hoots of derision. Never underestimate the power of an emotional connection – even if you are not looking for it, it finds you. And you are more vulnerable if you’re not getting it at home.
That’s what me and my boyfriend had. It was real, and we both are experiencing something all of our previous relationships had been sorely lacking – a powerful but healthy connection at all levels, passion, and total ease with each other. I am sorry it came at someone else’s emotional expense, but nobody is perfect. If the guy in this situation didn’t cheat, but realised he potentially could, he did the right thing. He’s not a coward, he’s a good guy at heart. Not perfect, but fundamentally GOOD. No ass-clownery. With that in mind, I’m confident in my boyfriend.
In that situation, I’d want to be treated with even a fraction of the honour both the dumped girlfriends were treated. Too many times I have been blanked as if I didn’t exist, been lied to, had my fears dismissed. It’s hard and it’s extremely hurtful, but ultimately he did the right thing.
If only I knew then….it would have saved me 7 years of pain. Nicely put, NML.
I am so depressed, I dont want any man in my life…ALL of them the same just making our life “HELL” 🙁
I was with someone for 14 years. After a week vacation (with friends, who thought that we were “closer than ever”) and a month before my 40th birthday (when I thought I might be getting engaged), he broke up with me. No warning, no reasons, nothing. One day he was himself, we had a great phone conversation, the next day he never wanted to see me again. Before you start asking–Yes, he knew I wanted to get married and yes, he knew i wanted kids. We worked on restoring a house together (his house). We did not live together.
Two months later he starts dating an old friend (not in our social cirle) (she is divorced, 2 grown kids, they had been work friends for about 8 years, I knew of her, never met her-I trusted him.). Less than 10 months after that, he asks her and the kids to move in. He is happy. All of our common friends say that he is happy and that I should move on. I am not and I am finding it impossible to move on.
It has been a year and a half. I am still devastated. My entire life has been turned upside down. Now, in my 40’s, I need to find a new set of friends (only because everyone reminds me of him and they still hang out), learn how to date (I haven’t dated in 14 years), and figure out how to live by myself. I want a child. I want to be married. I used most of my savings re-doing the “house”. I am almost too old to have a child on my own. I do not have the cash to adopt.
From the above comments, I understand that he would be a “stand up guy” because he didn’t cheat.
Basically it took him 14 years to figure out that I was not the one?
Obviously, I blame myself for not pushing the issue of marriage (I didn’t because I wanted to be in a better financial position going into the marriage–until very recently that wasn’t possible). Honestly, we were happy (or so I thought). Every day I told him that I loved him and every day he answered back. I wanted him to be sure how I felt about him and wanted to be sure that he felt the same about me.
I am seeing a therapist. I am finding it impossible to forget about him and the pain is almost unbearable.
I guess he’s still a “stand up guy” because he didn’t cheat. Honestly, that really doesn’t help the hurt at all…
It was the same thing happened to me. How awful and how hurtful it was I always look in the bright side he’s the bastard one not me..I remain the faithful woman. And even so..ask my friends at work…they say I’m prettier and I don’t look like a someone who’s being dumped.
Just fake it until you make it…It’s very very very very another 100x hard..and I’m still even faking it. Motivating myself to get up and fight. Yes, sometimes I get tired but I just have to move on. Shit things happen and life isn’t fair and nothing we can do beside moving on.
Oh Tina, oww, oww ouch. I’m also older, out of a long termer. We also never lived together. I guess they will just suck up on the free love as long as it is on offer? You must have had some signs that he was not in the same place as you, what were the agreements about what the relationship was about?
Basically it took mine 6 years to figure out that I was not the one. But I could have figured it out myself much sooner.
Again, so sorry dear heart, cups of tea and hot baths to you.
Hi Tina from another Tina. I can understand why you would be so hurt. You were building a life with him or so you thought. You invested your time and money into his projects which you thought were “our” projects.
I guess that is one good thing about being married. You probably would have gotten something for your investment; part of the house or something.
My ex AC didn’t want to live together or marry as he said he was too afraid, his social phobia, and he liked his space but when I was talking about buying a house, he perked up like a faithful dog and was all keen to buy an investment property with me. Hmmm he was willing to take on the commitment of a 30 year mortgage with me but he couldn’t commit to even de facto?
As hindsight is always 20/20, the house would have benefited him. Living together or marriage had no benefit to him and he might have actually had to contribute something by doing that so he certainly wasn’t going to do that!
I told him flat out I would never buy property with someone I wasn’t married to.