I get so many emails lamenting the confusion of women not feeling attracted to decent guys. Often we’ll try to force ourselves to keep dating them despite not seeing a future or resign ourselves to being mistreated by not-so-nice guys. Let me tell you why this happens.
The term’ nice guy’ is a blanket description women use as an excuse not to pursue a second date/relationship. It’s a wishy-washy reason for our lack of interest. When we use this excuse, you will hear words and phrases such as:
‘boring’, ‘too nice’, ‘too quiet’, ‘not exciting enough’, ‘didn’t make me feel horny’, ‘would make a great friend’, ‘no sparks,’ ‘unassertive’, ‘bland’, ‘would rather watch paint dry’, and the list goes on.
Some men blame their lack of dating success on being ‘too nice’.
- Oh, it must be because I’m too nice.
- They don’t ‘get’ me.
- I don’t wanna treat her like shit.
- I’m a decent guy.
- I want to treat her like a princess, and she wants to be treated like she doesn’t exist.
- I should just be an asshole and then she’d want me.
And bla, bla, bla.
It seems that whether women or men are speaking about the ‘Nice Guy’ issue, it’s all a get-out option.
Blaming lack of interest (or success) on being ‘nice’ is a lazy reason. We don’t have to delve deeper into why we’re not attracted to someone, even if it stems from our own issues. The guy gets to duck out of confronting any real problems and chooses to bumble along, assuming that he’s God’s gift to the Nice Guy camp.
If you have a consistent habit of being involved with dubious men or in dubious relationships, it’s because you’re attracted to men who reflect the negative things you believe about love, relationships, and yourself. There is this common misconception that women chase Bad Boys/Jerks/assclowns. In reality, women with negative or misguided beliefs are drawn to and draw in relationships that cater to negative beliefs and feelings of low self-worth.
If you’re thinking, ‘But I really want to be loved and cherished, so why aren’t I attracted to the good guys?’ here’s why:
You keep invalidating/cancelling your feelings about the relationship because you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like. You’re geared up to chase the type of guy that makes you miserable. They’re your ‘type’, the one you profess better compatibility with that you share ‘common interests’.
You feel suspicious and wary when confronted with a ‘nice guy’. You look for the catch and may even feel like he’s mocking you. You’ll be in suspended disbelief. And even though you may find it flattering at first, as you haven’t changed your beliefs about relationships, you won’t believe he’s any good for you. You may even sabotage the relationship with your insecurity, acting up to see if he really is that nice. Maybe you treat him like one of your exes. Doing so gives you reasons not to trust him when he may just be a decent guy wanting to spend time in your presence.
Ever said stuff like this:
- It all seems too normal.
- I’m not really used to someone treating like this.
- I’m starting to feel claustrophobic as he wants to spend so much time with me. I need some space.
- I feel like I’m turning into my ex Mr Unavailable/assclown.
- Nobody can be this nice!
- I initially enjoyed [his niceness] as it seemed so different, but I felt uneasy and bored.
- Why would a nice, regular guy like this want to be with me? There must be a catch.
- What’s the catch?
- I wish he’d be just a bit more ‘edgy’.
- Yeah, he’s not really my type. I prefer ’em XYZ. I’ll give it a go, though.
You have to start asking yourself:
What’s wrong with ‘normal’? Or, what’s your idea of it? Is your idea of normal what you’re comfortable with?
What are you used to being treated like? Is that the treatment you’d like to continue experiencing? Does it feel bad to be treated differently? If it doesn’t, why can’t you just enjoy it?
Doesn’t the claustrophobia issue sound like what your ex would experience [from you]? Why do you feel this way? Why are you pushing someone away and finding reasons to be distant? Do you want commitment?
Is your behaviour similar to your ex’s? Don’t worry, you’re not turning into him. However, acknowledging similarities helps you understand how you slotted into the dynamic. Rather than give in to the feeling, ask yourself why you behave like this and get rational.
Do you have so little faith in people after your relationships? Of course, people can be nice, good, and decent. He’s not perfect; he’s just different.
Do you feel uneasy and bored because of the lack of drama and the unfamiliar territory?
Isn’t it possible that not every guy you get involved with needs to be screwed up? Have you entertained the possibility that a nice guy might want to be with you because he likes you, isn’t afraid to show it, and doesn’t want to play games?
Why does there have to be a catch? Have you lost your faith in people? If you’re distrustful, you’ll kill off potentially decent relationships with your lack of trust in their actions and your judgment.
What does ‘edgy’ mean? You’ll get ambiguous or insubstantial relationships if you’re ambiguous or chase insubstantial stuff.
Why experiment with someone? Go in with integrity rather than toying with someone as if you’re trying on a new pair of shoes. You wouldn’t want someone to treat you in the same way.
You want instant highs, instant results, infatuation, fireworks, excitement, ‘passion’, to be turned on, and lust, and you fail to recognise and value genuine connections because this other stuff blinds you.
When you’re not feeling the familiar feelings of what you get with your ‘type’, you decide, in this instance, to trust what you perceive to be your judgement and determine that the guy is not for you.
I’m going to be real with you: If you have misguided ideas about compatibility, type, and common interests and have a history of being in dubious relationships or being attracted to dubious people who cannot give you a healthy, committed relationship, by deciding to discard a guy that’s ‘too nice’ or a ‘nice guy’, you’re giving yourself far too much credit for your own feelings. You’re overvaluing your credibility even though you have consistent evidence to show that you don’t always act in your best interests and gravitate to people who cannot give you what you want.
You’re effectively looking to repeat the same negative relationship patterns. It’s relationship insanity: doing the same thing repeatedly, such as choosing the same guy, different package, having the same beliefs, emotional baggage, etc, and then expecting different results.
You likely want to be railroaded, bamboozled, or bulldozed by your feelings.
Unless you feel overwhelmed and damn near obsessed, you’ll decide it’s not love and that he’s not the guy for you. You’ll write him off as a… ‘nice guy’.
Rather than write off being with a healthy man and a healthy relationship because you’re yearning for the uncomfortable familiar, make sure you have addressed what you’re looking for in your relationships, can go into dating with a reasonable level of trust, and are not clinging to old love habits. Don’t kneejerk your way out of dating someone who’s your ‘type’.
If you get involved with someone who creates familiar feelings or causes you to feel like you’re ‘coming home’, I’d take that as a massive, early warning signal that you are putting yourself in danger of repeating a relationship pattern and indulging in relationship insanity.
Take your time; there is no fire (really), and look for your relationship to build instead of a big firework display that doesn’t amount to much.
And I should add, not being into someone who’s ‘nice’ doesn’t mean you’re forever destined to be with assclowns and Mr Unavailables. It also doesn’t mean that just because someone is ‘nice’ that they’re the one for you. Please don’t force yourself to keep dating them if you’re not interested! Move on! However, it does mean that you need to do some work to understand who you are attracted to and why. You may value excitement factors and superficial stuff over people with integrity, love, care, trust, and respect, even though it’s the latter stuff that you actually want.
Read my posts on values and compatibility, type, and common interests.
Your thoughts?
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From the female point of view, we definitely need to be more discerning and work out what we want in a partner – eg rather than excitement and instant attraction which so far has not worked… thus repeated unhealthy relationships for some.
How about focus on the good points and give him a chance. I don’t know about you, however I do know that for me it takes time to settle into trusting someone and revealing aspects of myself over time. We get to know each other though life events eg how do you know what he is like when your car breaks down or what is he like to wait staff in restaurants? Is he rude or is he respectful and puts other people at ease? Don’t make excuses or judge, just see if you think long term this behaviour matches your values.
Men on the other hand have been neutered by society over recent decades. I am optimistic though there seems to be a decided shift to rediscovering what it means to be a man.
We also need to re-dsicover what it is to be a woman – rather than pretend to be men and tough it out and take on the man’s role as well the women’s (classic cases in the home- long term single or single mum – taking out the rubbish, fixing the breakdowns, disciplining children),
Let’s celebrate our femininity and …
…be open to receiving help from a man. Try it today at the supermarket – ask a tall guy to get you something off the top shelf and see him beam!
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Cost of Dating: Part 2 Turn Financial Costs Into Wise Investments =-.
Cathy J….you are so right men have been neutured over the past few decades, their basic instincts to be manly have been met by society as something bad and should be hidden. No wonder so many of them are confused. I personally love having doors opened for me and always thank the gentleman who’s doing it. I always get a smile and a you’re welcome in return. Men really do love feeling needed and helpful, its in their basic nature to “take care” of things. Your supermarket analogy is spot on.
I’ve found over the yrs that once a woman loses respect for the man the relationship is over even if they stay together. They lose our respect by being passive. I want a guy to stand up for himself and not be pushed around even by me. Jon & Kate are a perfect example. Look at the way she treated him for millions to see and why did she do that because she had lost respect for him long before the tv show. He viewed him like one of her children not her husband and he never stood up for himself, it was the kiss of death for that relationship.
What we call love in relationships is often no more than having someone who makes us feel good. We want all our hopes, dreams and wishes fulfilled. That’s why so many of us try to change, mold or control the other one and not allow them to be who they really are. And once we have them how we want them to be we really aren’t happy because they in so many little ways show their distain for us.
So becareful what you wish for you just might get it.
“Men on the other hand have been neutered by society over recent decades. I am optimistic though there seems to be a decided shift to rediscovering what it means to be a man.
We also need to re-dsicover what it is to be a woman – rather than pretend to be men and tough it out and take on the man’s role as well the women’s (classic cases in the home- long term single or single mum – taking out the rubbish, fixing the breakdowns, disciplining children),
Let’s celebrate our femininity and …
…be open to receiving help from a man. Try it today at the supermarket – ask a tall guy to get you something off the top shelf and see him beam!”
I think it’s about compromise, not necessarily allowing someone to be “a man” or rediscover their femininity. I am terrible at some things.. can’t change lights, or reach things in supermarket.. because I’m tiny. So in supermarkets I have to ask random men or a tall enough woman to get things off shelves for me.. it’s nothing to do with my femininity, it’s due to lack of height.
And taking out the rubbish.. why is that a man’s job? Seriously? It’s whoever is around to do it. Yes, certain things I can’t do, and I’m happy to discuss. But shouldn’t disciplining children be a joint effort? You need a united front in relationships and I think that’s very important.
But to add to what MaryC says, I expect men to open doors, and I also expect women to do it. It’s basic politeness.
Ok ladies, here’s where I’m stuck with this one. I’ve been seeing what seems to be a “nice guy”…and I’m doing exactly what NML described and picking him apart! He is recently divorced with sole custody of 2 small children and basically broke but trying to “figure things out” financially. I don’t know what to do! Do I wait around for my nice guy? Am I settling if I move forward with him? Or am I being too picky by worrying about things that don’t matter. I’m still confused on values. Is it completely wrong to worry about money as a value?
I would break the questions down into parts. Part 1 is his character. Part two is his suitability as mate- and partner-prospect. Part three is his suitability as co-parent prospect. And somewhere in there is his availability, physically, emotionally, socially, and personally.
I would give him three years after the divorce, before considering dating him. If you started earlier – I would bail out. He wasn’t functional/recovered/healthy at that point – as he heals and heads into life as a man, as opposed to being walking wounded from the divorce, his needs will change. He will need a different type of person in his life, once he heals. Right now you are likely feeling protective/concerned about the kids, about his trying to cope with scheduling and planning issues of single fatherhood (and soaking up all the “help” anyone – anyone at all! – will offer). As he gets a handle on things, as he and the children adjust to life after-the-divorce, though, he will be looking for someone different. He likely has his “ideal mate” mirage, and will start noticing that you don’t fit that well, once he is no longer all that desperate.
Other than that – objectively, how honest and disciplined is he in his dealings with you – with his family, with his workplace? Anger, angst, and turmoil aren’t good signs. “Everyone there is an idiot” does happen. Some people spend their lives looking for a dysfunctional haven so they can look like a hero to feel better about their own internal fears. That does not make for a solid, dependable, disciplined partner ready to help raise children, or conduct a romance. You will be surprised how quickly you can pass from beautiful and wonderful, to “just one more idiot I have to put up with.” But I project. He probably isn’t like this at all. The thing is, that if he is unhappy at work, and hasn’t bothered to look for a more rewarding place to work, there is something dysfunctional going on, that will surface again at home.
Is he disciplined in his personal affairs, can he meet all his commitments – can you trust his promises and his word? After a divorce he might well be stressed financially. Right now he might be grateful for someone that “overlooks” that little issue – but you have to know, that you would likely be enabling him to continue without fixing anything of importance. He has to provide his own answers and fixes – as we all do – from inside.
Note, he comes from a divorce. That is, he has a proven track record for picking an unsuitable partner, and failing to maintain a relationship. Whatever the details, the likelihood of repeating either or both mistakes, especially the first couple of years after the marriage ends, is awful.
As he has custody of the children, you should be able to observe in short order whether he has a handle on parenting. A divorce is a trying time for children, they are losing a parent, their home is torn apart, some of the furnishings they thought were “permanent” disappeared – fears that they, too, might disappear or be sent away abound. Acting out and rebelling are common ways of expressing such fear and anger.
Look for bonding, that the children look to their father for reassurance, for assistance, and for guidance. They should take direction well, without rebellion or backtalk. They should be generally cheerful and self-sufficient (another challenge at divorce time). They should be aware of property values, and not prone to breaking things or damaging things (one of the common rebellions of divorce angst and anger).
So, right after the divorce the children might be a real mess, making it tough to evaluate his parenting. As time goes on, though, he should get a handle on any issues or find help to handle them. Another reason to be a neighbor, and nothing more, those first couple of years. No matter how used he has become to sleeping with a woman beside him.
Also, I would assume that if the children are young, and the mother didn’t ask for custody because she didn’t have any income – that custody will be revisited in court, fairly soon and fairly often. This can be quite disruptive to everyone involved.
My take – is to let him be, give him time to heal and address his issues from the failed marriage. Getting too close too soon just gets in the way of healing.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..To Jamie, about divorce and child custody. =-.
LIVROCKS
He’s a divorcee of two children and he tells you that he is having a hard time financially. Unless you want to be miserable I would RUN…. I have been in this situation where my ex was a divorcee(not really over the relationship)two kids; and shit load of DRAMA… If he mentioned to you already that he is having a hard time financially he is going to be looking for you to bail him out. They always do and when you can’t he’ll start bailing in more ways than one. These type of situations just create more problems from the jump. His drama will be your drama and unless you are willing to handle his mess I would run….
Livrocks, You ask a good question. I would think the financial piece would be a value. But honestly not sure.
I just met someone who has been treating me with respect. I have realized I am gun shy though. I let him know this and he said we will go slow. The thing is I can’t figure out if my not feeling sparks has to do with my feelings like NML says above. Or if it has to do with my concerns about his health (has a back injury, and on meds for ocd, cholestrol, etc). I genuinely don’t want to be with someone who has major health issues. He assured me once he has back surgery it will be good.
I am confused.. Shouldn’t their be sparks? chemistry? I thought that was healthy too.
To be honest NML i think i was on the recieving end of the below quote and this entire post today.
“You’ll be in suspended disbelief and even though you may find it flattering at first, because you haven’t changed your own beliefs about relationships, you just won’t believe that this is something that is good for you. You may even sabotage the relationship with your insecurity, acting up to see if he really is that nice and treating him like he’s one of your exes giving you reasons not to trust him, when he may actually just be a decent guy wanting to spend time in your presence.”
Alot of what you said like “I’m not really used to being treated like this” and so forth came from my x’s mouth and even things like “is this even real”, “how can you love me, what do you see in me” When going through some of his withdrawing moments he would come back crying and worried that he was sabotaging the realtionship.
In hindsight i now believe he was and succeeded. But thats his issue and he will need to live with that.
But i did get the feeling from very early on that he felt slightly uncomfortable with the nice stuff. His x cheated on him on numerous ocassions plus baggage from childhood.
My issue, was picking someone with so much baggage and recreating abdonment wounds and thats my stuff to work on 🙂
Each day ive been practicing not over giving, being overly sympathetic and taking on others issues and so forth, im like my own little experiement 🙂
take care lovely ladies !
JJ – Thanks for the heads up. I see your point but it’s easy to get caught on the bleeding heart train. He even used the values thing – “Isn’t it more important to have true love, respect, a man who puts the children first, etc than a man with money?” Geez I don’t need a rich man but a nice guy who’s not “broke” would be nice. And this is the first seemingly non EUM guy I’ve met in awhile. Ugh. It’s all so confusing.
Sonja – I understand your confusion. How do we know if we are correct in these things or being hypercritical to the “nice guy”?
I wonder if the whole unrealistic expecting instant attraction/zing/getting physical thing is the same for women AND men. I went out on a second date with a “nice” guy and we had a perfectly nice time but then I never heard from him again. There was no zing at all. The only downer perhaps for him was that he went for a kiss on the lips and I gave him a cheek. Either A. I bruised his ego, B. He picked up on the fact that I wasn’t instantly gaga over him and threw in the towel C. He wasn’t instantly gaga over me and threw in the towel. It could be something else, too. But it seems to happen a lot that I have a “nice” time, can tell that the guy is at least somewhat attracted and am open to a second or third date but then never hear from guy again. Hmmmmm
I wonder if the whole unrealistic expecting instant attraction/zing/getting physical thing is the same for women AND men. I went out on a second date with a “nice” guy and we had a perfectly nice time but then I never heard from him again. There was no zing at all, which was OK. The only downer perhaps for him was that he went for a kiss on the lips and I gave him a cheek. Either A. I bruised his ego, B. He picked up on the fact that I wasn’t instantly gaga over him and threw in the towel C. He wasn’t instantly gaga over me and threw in the towel. It could be something else, too. But it seems to happen a lot that I have a “nice” time, can tell that the guy is at least somewhat attracted and am open to a second or third date but then never hear from the guy again. Hmmmmm
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Mr. Unavailable #35: This Charming Man =-.
NML,
I think part of the attraction to “exciting” dating is that advertisements and romance stories make the excitement part so important. Today few people look for someone to partner with, dreaming of being the next “Ma and Pa Kettle” – though they were one of the most content couples Hollywood gave us.
If you are going out looking for a sexual partner – long term relationship or, um, “brief” – then how much “zing” there is defines a good or bad partner.
If you really want to build a home and shared life, then you should be looking for stability, security, dependability – and dreams you can support with a whole heart. You should be looking for great character, someone active in the community and respected by honorable people. You want someone with good emotional bonds to family, friends, and co-workers. With a mate prospect, a successful date should leave you feeling secure and content. Maybe a bit hopeful, and definitely wanting to live up to his standards.
As for why we chase the bad boys (and girls) – sometimes we make one our hero as we start dating, and look for dates that match up with our TV or movie, or novel, hero. Sometimes we look for someone with characteristics we are familiar with – such as dysfunctions in our parents. We recognize dodgy behavior, and it feels familiar. And we expect that familiarity to mean the person is a good bet, when just the opposite is true. Sometimes it just takes a few disappointments to realize we really don’t want someone that uses passive-aggressive resistance all the time, that blames others for their faults, that abuses substances socially, or other red flag issues.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..To Jamie, about divorce and child custody. =-.
We are all hardwired to want to live an adventure. How about get that in life by choosing a cause and standing up for others who are unable to stand up for themselves eg orphans or abused animals. Even extreme sports has got to be better than regrettable relationships especially abusive ones.
Then in a man go for the good stuff (one who stands up for what is right, is bold, is wise in general and treats others well) – even better if you are both helping others. Better again if you share the same ’cause’.
Relationships are one part of your life, as is other relationships with family and friends, your job, leisure time, your giving back to others. Live a balanced and realise that sometimes we can indeed become addicted to the person and relationship (placing too much importance on it) if we are not balanced.
When you both have similar values and a shared vision…. why not see if love develops over time. At least in the meantime you are developing a frienship and helping others.
If there is still not a spark… then as a close friend said who is now very happily married – you choose between the great sex and everything else average at best, versus your best friend where you share a life (she chose sharing her life with her best friend).
As with everything in life – it is your choice!
Choose wisely.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Cost of Dating: Part 2 Turn Financial Costs Into Wise Investments =-.
Livrocks,
Your situation depends on how he feels and how you feel and how the situations is. He may be recently divorced but may or may not be on the rebound according the how his marraige was. If he had gone through a mourning period during the marraige then I would say he just may be ready for another relationship. Also if you are afraid of the money situation and getting ‘used’, (he may or may not use you), but your intuition and values need to come into play here. If he is truly a nice guy he won’t use you. If money is important to you then he is the wrong man for you, because it will become a sore point sooner or later, probably sooner than later. My best advise is to take it slowly and play it by ear. The children is another thing people tend to forget, they generally resent a new person in the parent’s life and could make it difficult. You are not their mother, but then again, it depends on their relationship with the mother, how you are with them, and how old they are. Children from other marriages always complicate relationships. That could explain why in the case of families with children from other marriages there can be a great deal of stress leading frequently to a breakup or divorce. Some men marry another woman quickly after a divorce as to find a caretaker for the children, which, of course, is the wrong reason for a relationship.
when you are really a mess, you’ll know the value of a good guy, he is going to stand by your side despite the fact you’re screwed, he loves you, and brings out the best in you. You go together through bad and good times, this isn’t possible with an assclown.
Amen, Jen. A friend reminded me of a quote the other day that I absolutely love: “He who loves me at my worst deserves me at my best.”
Jen and Deb, wow, great comments! You are spot on…
I just think when men come out of a divorce he’s usually not ready for a committment and searches out for women that tend to be more vunerable to load all of his mess on. Then you wonder where the blowing hot and cold; the emotional unavailable; instability issues; the going back and forth all comes from. Simply because he has not dealt with his issues with himself or his failed marriage. Just from experience I vow to say that I will never get involved with a man that has been divorced because there are going to be issues.
I consider myself a nice girl and I appreciate, and try to surround myself with, nice good honest people (guys and girls) but I don’t think that I’m compatible with all the nice guys that there are out there.
I explain: being a good person is the first quality I look for in a partner but it’s not the only necessary one. Hence, someone can be a good nice guy but we might not be compatible to spend the rest of our life together.
Love is made by so many things and the total is much more than the sum of the parts. The “zing”, how you call it, is important. and it’s more than simple sexual attraction.
If the guy is not nice but there’s “zing” we can’t be together but in the same way we can’t be together if he’s a good guy but there’s no “zing”.
I need both and I’m happy to wait.
Thank you all so much for your insight on this situation. The children’s mother left them years ago and this is actually his second marriage. We have/are friends and the kids adore me and I them. He’s a great father. I find him to be ready “emotionally” but logistically I just don’t know. I am worried he may be seeking a wife/mother/caretaker. I guess I am just not as “healthy” as I thought. I thought after all the “work” I’d done on my head after my last EUM relationship I would be able to trust my gut more, but I just don’t know. I was hoping my nice guy radar would be more accurate I suppose.
I mean I “need” someone. Just not in the same ways he NEEDS someone. I don’t need someone to help pay my bills. I don’t need someone to help me figure out my career, or to tell me I need a better job because I have a child (I do)…I need someone to share everything I have. An equal. I don’t need to have some rich guy to shower me with money. Just an equal. In values, money, ideas, interests.
In earlier postings NML had written about dating a so called “nice guy” she eventually described as needy and making her feel like a noose around her neck. How do I know which “nice guy” I am dealing with?
I read somewhere that something “familiar can be fatal, because you see that familiarity as being you”. Either way, I discovered that I had emotionally unavailable issues myself when “nice guys” approached me. I can even recall meeting a good guy while I was still in la la land with Mr. EUM. He was very considerate, kind, sweet…he was everything the EUM was not. Infact, he did everything the EUM would not do. Yet I was not attracted to him. I found myself doing somethings that EUM did to me…not returning calls, turning down dates with him, and ignoring. Now that I reflect on it…I realize many things.
Breaking bad habits.
Whether the man one is dating is divorced or a bachelor is not an indication of being “nice” or not so nice. My ex-huband was never married before we met and turned out to be an EUM while my present husband had been divorced for two years. I initially didn’t have that “zing” with him and almost let him slip from my fingers thinking I could do better, and I even got “cold feet” before our wedding date. Now we have married over 30 years and I couldn’t be happier. He treats me with love and respect and visa versa. I thought my ex was my “soul mate” because it was very passionate or shall I say full of drama. I was unhappy most of the time and only happy for brief instances with him. I fell in love with the ex but the love was missing or burnt out. I honestly have to admit I never really fell in love with my present husband but the love is there and has grown. We tend to fool ourselves all the time, men and women alike, falling in lust instead of love, only making our lives unhappily after ever.
Hi NML,
I have one concern how to you really tell apart the nice happy feeling of meeting someon new and they are a good person to the nice feeling of the familiar? It seems like they might be really really similiar?
How do you tell those feelings apart?
If you aren’t used to dating “nice” guys or attracted to them it isn’t familiar for me. It is really a different feeling which is why I wasn’t initially attracted to my present husband of 30+ years and almost broke up with him in the beginning because he wasn’t really my type! This is why Nathalie’s blogs are so spot on. Anyway this is my experience and I would like to know what other women think!
Phyllis, I feel like your journey is my journey, except I have only recently started dating my “nice guy” 5 months ago. We have been friends for 7 years, and 7 years ago (in my early 20s, when I was still chasing after the “passionate” (aka: UNAVAILABLE) guys who treated me like crap and didn’t want me), he had told me that he wanted to date me. I completely blew him off as “not my type”, and “just a friend”. He decided that “just friends” wasn’t what he wanted with me, and disappeared from the picture up until about 5 months ago, when he made one last effort to convince me to go out on a date. Still single, and still chasing guys who didn’t want me, I thought: “hmm. Maybe my dating strategy isn’t working so well”, and agreed to meet him for dinner. We had a fantastic time because we naturally get along so well, but I still wasn’t convinced that he was my “type” physically. That being said, we kissed at the end of our date, and holy cow he was a great kisser! It took 3 months, and a lot of baby steps, and I never in a million years thought I would say this, but I am madly in love with him now. We have friendship as a foundation, and once I could relax and enjoy the physical elements of our relationship, it was like an entirely new world opened up to me. Rather than the constant insecurity, manic feelings, and “limbo” I usually feel with men, I have someone who is over the moon to be with me, and who appreciates who I am (all flaws included!) My guy is a “nice guy” in that he’s caring and genuine, but he’s not a pushover. He is passionate, opinionated, and has his flaws. I think sometimes we think “nice guy” equals a man who will do anything for us without respecting himself (yuck), and I now I know that isn’t true. I would encourage every woman out there who consistently goes for the guys she has to chase to try dating a guy who is firmly rooted and committed to her. You know who they are, ladies! The feelings of “attraction” will be completely different (less highs and lows, more even keeled), but if you give it a chance to see what can grow out of that, you won’t be disappointed! Just know that you may have to fight against every fiber of your being to control the initial urge to push him away!
This is wonderful!!!!!
I just met a “nice guy”… and he’s great and we really are compatible in many ways (both in terms of interests, but also in terms of values). But right off the bat my stomach feels queasy and like I want to run because he offers to do all these nice things for me and it makes me see him as clingy, like the ‘me’ in relationships with bad guys, and wondering if this indicates there is something wrong with him or, rather, this just is how kind caring people treat women they are interested in. It’s funny too because even some of my ‘bad’ guys have done nice things for me, but it didn’t make me feel queasy… perhaps because I could feel the lack of emotion or it was a bread crumb and by then I was so excited he was doing something nice for me. I just recall one of my exes being so attentive at the beginning and me being head over heals… why when it’s a nice guy does our mind and body somehow pick up that it’s different? I have been working on my own issues for months, have not dated anyone for nearly 9 months and so I felt ready for this type of guy… but he just seems so “nice”… and I don’t even mean he calls me all day or constantly wants to see me, there is just a caring nature to him that makes me feel weird.
‘ If you’re very distrustful, you’ll kill off any relationships with your lack of faith in their actions and in your own judgement.’
Hi..I’m on date number 4…trying to relax and be myself…hes a recovering alcoholic and seeingly spiritually aware however I am finding myself getting tense and anxious because of the above.
I am working on loving myself after a horrific marriage and breakup (8 years ago)with a full blown Narcissist so this is hardly surprising.
Just how does one go about trusting oneself and ones judgement?What do I need to do to fix that if possible?Thanks Fay
You are ready for a new relationship when your previous issues are no longer a factor. A healthy relationship is a fair exchange of give and take, but if your exchange from the get-go is about healing each other, I’d say you are not ready (and neither is he).
I too have been bounced around from one assclown to another, but this blog has helped open my eyes! Once I sat down and made a list of what I truly wanted in a man, guess what? I found it sitting right under my nose. I had been seeing this “nice” guy as friends (my choice) and thinking what a great boyfriend he would make if only there was a physical attraction. I was dead set against sleeping with him, but I so totally enjoyed his company that I found myself wanting to spend more and more time together. Then, I asked myself, “what if looks didn’t matter?” and that’s when I started to see that he was hitting the mark on all the key things: he’s the right age, has been married, has a child, pays his bills, does not abuse drugs or alcohol, has a lot of friends who he is excited for me to meet, plays music, has a great job (in fact we coincidentally work for the same company though I’d never met him through work), loves my cooking, calls/texts/emails constantly, and is basically just an all-around great guy. More importantly, he WANTS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. He has made that clear from the start, it just took me a little while to catch up. By the way, ladies, looks DON’T matter; when I see him now, I see a wonderful man who wants to make me happy and be with only me, and that is VERY attractive!
Theres a guy I known for 2 years, been off and on dating him, he’s sweet kind and caring. Why am I not into him? He is 25 , has a great engineer job, drives a nice car, has ambition, motivation and good credit. He is a decent looking guy. He has wined me and dined me, and taken me nice places and he is a good guy and very passive. The only thing is, there is no spark. Like when I kiss him I dont feel anything. Like Im kisssing my brother. Why do I feel this way? He is a good guy and a great candidate for marriage. I am pursuing a nursing career and im 25 so I am thinking futuristic. Should I overlook the spark and continue to date him , or should I just let him go and be friends? I have known him for 2 years but have been dating him off and on because I still believe that one day we will create the spark.
Natalie, thank you so much! What a great post;-) I dont have any idea why I dont want Mr Nice, I do find them “boring and normal” as you said. I probably addicted to drama, this is my problem, if I dont have drama, I am getting bored very quicky! How weird…
I have been talking about this exact thing with my therapist the last couple of weeks. When I go on a date with a ‘nice guy’, the guy that is “on paper” everything I claim to want, I either get so anxious and unnerved that I can’t make eye contact, I feel almost a panic attack, I feel uncomfortable, not myself at all, etc., OR, I push push push at him, acting short, rude, sarcastic. I hate this! If I don’t feel the instant ZING, I have no interest. And usually end up texting the AC from the bathroom, or the minute I get home. I am working on 2 things – 1) working through my issues (co-dependency and emotional unavailability of my own) before I start dating again and 2) when I DO start dating again, I have to push through these awkward, uncomfortable, foreign feelings. Because every single time I felt the instant zing/chemistry/spark/over the top attraction, they broke my heart. Every single time. I have never been in a long term relationship with someone who wasn’t emotionally unavailable. And that pattern is stopping NOW.
When I first read this, my reaction was… ‘But ATTRACTION counts for a lot!!!” and I disagreed. But…… on a very deep level, I have to admit Natalie is right. And it’s a VERY deep level.
When I was 12, I “announced” to everyone that I was choosing not to marry. I was serious. I got told, “you don’t know what you want.” Ok, fine. So, I spent many years “faking it.” “Pretending” I wanted to marry. When deep down, I didn’t want to. In my 30’s, I was dating the best guy in the world. Best thing I ever had. Then, he wanted to get married. I didn’t. I think I have said this in two other posts, but breaking up with a guy who had done nothing wrong is way worse than breaking up with an A/C. it’s hard to justify it. But, I realized why I dated a lot of jerks. Subconsciously, it was easy to justify this to friends. “He was a jerk.” “Ok, better luck next time.” Society is not willing to accept women who make a conscious and thoughtful choice not to marry as I have. I’m in my 50’s and I still don’t want to marry! So, you do this “haven’t found the right one” lame excuse, which is nothing but BS! So, I went many years without dating because….. what’s the point? Then a year ago, I met someone, he wasn’t looking to marry, everything about it was “Right….” and guess what, he turned out to be an A/C. Well, he wasn’t the worst A/C I had ever dated. But I realized I still have issues to deal with (and the A/C had MAJOR issues!).