It’s often said that you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep. While often true, it can also be misleading. We look at someone and when they say they’ve had girlfriends/a wife, go to church, are a cop, or appear to have friends and can be the life and soul at a party, we assume it means that they’re a great catch. It’s like, Well, if they have people around them that like them or they have exes, it makes them desirable. This is the dating equivalent of ‘social proof’. It also tells us a lot about our biases and who we believe is safe, desirable, and high status.
Have you ever wondered why so many women become involved with attached men?
These women take the fact that the man is attached as literal, social proof, of his capability and capacity for a relationship and commitment. Obviously, they forget that the act of cheating itself indicates a lack of commitment and incompatible relationship values.
When we’re with someone who’s ‘good on paper, not so great in the flesh’, we wonder where we’ve gone wrong. We wonder why we see such a different side [to them]. How they can be nice to others but not nice to us, or why they have loved others, but not us? We wonder why they haven’t left yet. Or why they’ve left but are no more committed to us than they’ve been with others.
This confusion about why someone doesn’t want/love us, ties in with the mistake of having conflicting ideas about value.
‘I’m a person of value. I deserve to be treated well. Why isn’t he treating me in this way?‘
‘He-llo! Why her and not me? What does he see in her when I’m the right person for him? Why can’t he see it?’
‘I’m a good woman. Why doesn’t he value me? Why is he throwing away my love?‘
You see the thing about value, is that it’s very much driven by you. As such, you can tell a lot about how much you value yourself by the company they keep (or chase).
If you claim to be someone of “great value” and then you hang with someone who treats you like low-value goods and stick around to try to get them to see and treat you like higher value goods (i.e. teach them to learn to value you), it’s you who is changing your value, not them.
Your value is as good as how you treat yourself, the company you keep, the beliefs you hold, and the life you lead.
If you don’t treat and regard yourself with love, care, trust, and respect, you hang out with people who, in turn, also don’t treat you this way. By also continuing to hold negative beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships, you will not only conduct your life accordingly and slot into the merry-go-round of the self-fulfilling prophecy, you will also diminish your own value. You need to get rid of the proverbial piece of paper and opt for substance in the flesh.
Hard as it may be to hear, part of the reason we get involved with people who offer the least likely possibility of giving the very things that we profess to want and who require radical change is that, aside from having commitment issues, poor love habits, and dealing with an element of inadvertent sabotage, we’re inflating our own value .
- Have low self esteem. —>
- Attach yourself to someone who will need to make you the exception to their track record of not being a good relationship partner. —>
- Invest yourself in this limited relationship and attempt to get a return on investment. —>
- Hope that if you eventually get this person to change and see how you want to be seen and valued that this will give you an enormous boost and make you a valuable, validated person = value inflated.
It’s also:
- Have low self-esteem. —>
- Choose dodgy partner. —>
- You initially feel better about yourself as you’re distracted by their problems and apparent lack of greatness = false value.
Love is not about having the power to get someone to change into the person you want them to be just because you have ‘bestowed’ your ‘love’ upon them.
Love, also, is not about choosing reluctant, unsuitable, incompatible partners and then hoping, willing, waiting, and demanding that they make you the exception to their rule of behaviour.
This doesn’t mean you are not a person of value. What it does mean is that by valuing the wrong things and having the wrong perception about your own value, you undermine yourself and your efforts. You also value yourself based on your involvement with others. This causes you to veer between undervaluing and overvaluing yourself, but never actually truly valuing you.
People who don’t deserve our time and energy and don’t act with love, care, trust, and respect distract us from our issues. They seemingly making what we feel we have far more valuable.
It’s important to realise that the way of actually being more valuable is to opt out of the madness and treat yourself as someone of value.
Imagine yourself as an expensive property. Now, imagine that you let someone move in that treats the place like a beat-up caravan. Eventually, no matter how valuable the property is, it starts lacking an appearance in line with its value. It begins showing significant signs of wear and tear. People who pass by think ‘Man, I thought this place was worth a lot more than that. I guess I was wrong if they would just let it go to rack and ruin like that’.
The property owner started out assuming that surely someone would treat the property with the love and care it needs. Now, they’ve switched to believing that, in time, this person will stop abusing the property. They mistakenly believe that the tenant will invest themselves in it and treat the property accordingly. Eventually, the owner has to kick them out. And while the property needs a little work to clean and fix the mess and damage, pretty much as soon as the tenant leaves, the value starts to rise again.
Likewise, if you don’t choose carefully and live a life that is in line with the values and value you claim to have, it’s the equivalent of getting any old Tom, Dick, or Harry off the street and saying ‘How much do you think this is worth?’ and them throwing out some random, low price. And then you trying to explain that it’s worth much more and them looking at you blankly.
‘Value’ is very much a perception thing. It’s a natural by-product of being and conducting your life in a way that is congruent with the ‘values’ you profess to have.
Your core [personal] values are at your core. They’re fundamental to fostering healthy, happy, successful relationships and having a life with good self-esteem, filled with healthy boundaries.
Put in reverse: If you have no boundaries, you will have poor self-esteem and foster unhealthy, unhappy, unsuccessful relationships because you don’t have values at your core.
This is why I emphasise the importance of having an honest conversation with yourself and being authentic instead of having little or no boundaries, morphing and adapting to other people’s values that you don’t hold, or trying to get them to take on your values that they don’t respect or see. All of the latter essentially amounts to losing yourself in every relationship you’re in because you’re so desperate to be loved and validated, you have no sense of self, and have got lost along the way being whatever you think people want you to be.
You may also find that you are inadvertently disrespectful to others as you impose your vision of things on them. You might tell them the changes that you expect or try to force your love on them.
If you value yourself and have boundaries and values, nobody can come along and have you doing and being things that distance you from who you are. You sure as hell won’t normalise bad behaviour in your relationships.
By the same token, if you truly value yourself, and have boundaries and values, you’ll value and accept others who reflect your beliefs. You won’t cross their boundaries or disrespect their values.
If you’re involved with Mr/Miss Unavailables and assclowns, you need to acknowledge something critical:
While no doubt it is apparent that they have poor values, you need to recognise and accept that they value different things instead of making your worthiness into the issue. Don’t think, I can see it’s screwed up that they value this, so I must get them to change it. Surely someone who values these things must realise it’s wrong and just needs the love of a Good Woman/Man/Person? Um, no.
If you really are looking to be happy and meet someone you’re genuinely compatible with, it’s not about having dubious relationship habits. It’s not about finding your ‘type’, and then trying to make them have your values (or abandoning yours) by hammering the square peg into a round hole so that you can get your ‘happy ending’.
Ask yourself: What are my values? Then look at your relationships and see if they match up. If they don’t, ask yourself why. Be self-compassionate. From there, you start gaining insight into why your relationships are not working.
Part two and part three are now available
Your thoughts?
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Valuing myself is a hard concept to implement when one is 54 and grew up in the “Girls aren’t supposed to be proud” thing. I “morphed” into letting him set the terms.
I walked away from the A/C that started out to be a perfect situation for me. I realized I had to walk away when I said to myself, “If I stay with this dude one more day, I will need to go on anti-depressants.”
@JJ2
I hear ya. When you are involved in a relationship and the pain sooo outweighs the pleasure the lovingest thing that you can do for yourself is to leave. Learn about yourself from it so you can do what you need to do in order to improve yourself.
JJ2, I can totally relate. At least you had the good sense to leave before going on anti-depressants. I ended up going on anti anxiety pills whenever we went on vacation because I couldn’t deal with his temper tantrums and moods or when he said I brought them on. Now that, I realize, is seriously nuts. But still I did it. I had invested so much time and energy to quit or walk away. THese last few posts on valuing oneself have been even hard to understand for me having been raised in the generation to make a man’s life as easy as possible
@Still looking, I can relate! Vacations, WHOA! The A/C I dated asked me to live with him when we had never even spent 24 hours together, ever! And this was 2 months into the relationship! (First RED FLAG) So, I suggested an overnight trip just to test things out. This is where the “Red flags” happened that I should have picked up on. I’d make a suggestion only to get my head bit off. (What is happening?) In fact, while I was hanging out at his house, I suggested another overnight trip. He refused, because he didn’t want a “repeat performance” of the last trip! The dude obviously had a myriad of insecurities.
“If you claim to be someone of great value and then you hang with someone who treats you like low value goods and stick around to try to get them to see and treat you like higher value goods (i.e. teach them to learn to value you), it’s you who is changing your value, not them”.
Reading that made it finally all make sense. Thanks NML
This is so amazingly true. When I think of the reasons why I am with the person I’m with, its not for reasons like great looks, great chemistry, etc. The things that come to mind know are things like: trustworthy, respectful, caring, patient, loving, etc. Funny, I must really be a great person, because he is a reflection of my beliefs about myself and relationships. Ironically enough, I got all the meaningless superficial stuff that I wanted too….:-) And JJ2, I’m 44 1/2. Better a late bloomer, than to have never bloomed. It is NEVER too late to change the relationship paradigm!
RES, yes, the “Relationship paradigm.” What a phrase! I LOVE IT! I need to definitely change mine!
JJ2, the hardest part is over!!! You walked away. It took me years to achieve that too. You have an incredible opportunity! You have something that you’ve probably never experienced …. complete and total FREEDOM! You have no one to please but yourself. It might be difficult sometimes, but I assure you, pain doesn’t kill you, I promise you that. It’s all about you now, welcome to back to the world of promise, exploration, discovery……it’s missed you! 🙂
What a great post to read today. I, honestly, think I’m the A/C in my relationship – but I see now why I was in the craziness of my marriage. Picking someone who looked good on paper in terms of stability, and then imposing all the changes I want on them. Time to look into the process of how I got there instead of just the results. = )
Valuing ourselves can be very tricky. One of my closest friends is so amazing – funny, beautiful, intelligent, caring…. then puts herself into the worst situations with men. The only way I could think of to hopefully inspire her is to know who you are to God (she is Christian). I keep reminding her that God sees her as his beautiful daughter, who loves her so much. I continue to pray. She has also now started counselling so I continue to pray that she sees and begins to know her value.
An important factor I have found personally and through others, is to reduce the time spent and impact of toxic relationships including within your family. If they do not value you, then you need to get out (at least emotionally, mentally and spiritually) and value yourself. this can be done through a variety of techniques – eg meditation, physical exercise and support from others.
Natalie, you are so right, all relationships require boundaries – healthy boundaries.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Step 4 Have a Clear Vision Then Take Action Daily =-.
Totally agree with you, Cathy J — For me, my ex was not my first toxic relationship. I grew up in nothing but toxic relationships and that’s where I learned that I had to beg for love and that I could only get “love” if I earned it by giving and giving and ignoring myself and my feelings. The thing that amazes me is how my ex just “knew” that about me. He was the one who actually said the words “I’ve never known someone like you, love like yours, blah, blah, blah” — exactly what was needed to fuel my illusions about him and us. He created that illusory relationship right along with me.
Thanks, Natalie. This post was exactly what I needed to read right now.
JJ2. A good point but, as a 52 year old, I can honestly say I was not brought up with a ‘girls are not meant to be proud’ attitude. I have 5 brothers and my dad was amazing. I went to a girls school where it was expected that we Do Well. But, still I found myself with AC/EUM partners. However, I have been able to walk away from them, without a backward glance, even if it meant leaving for near poverty (as happened). At least I can support myself and my daughters and I can also show them it’s OK to be an independant woman. I do think some men are attracted to strong women and see them as the ultimate challenge. It’s the other side of hoping an AC will change with you, that he will be so in love with you he will stop cheating/lying/avoiding/abusing and become the decent chap he really is. Some men think a strong woman will love him so much she will turn into the mummy he never had, or had but was angry with, or whatever issue it is he has with women. She will become biddable and compliant, she will ignore her career or friends and be his slave; she will think only of him and not herself. It’s much, much harder to get a liberated, intelligent woman to ‘crack’ than a floozy airhead (they think). I really don’t think these men target pushovers, as thier ego needs boosting by setting themselves a challenge worth bragging about. So, I reckon most of us on here ARE strong women, we HAVE got good self esteem, we DO know we are OK, otherwise we wouldn’t be noticing that stuff is not how we want it. Stick with it, sisters. It’s never too late to become the person you are meant to be; it’s never a bad thing to show our siblings/friends/daughters etc what a real woman is like and how she should be treated. x
I am not exaggerating when I say – I think you have saved my sanity. I was with my partner for 5 and a half years then out of the blue he told me to leave him alone, he was under so much stress, it’s not you its me blah blah…….one minute we have a future and the next we don’t…..the future was a pretty picture in my head, not his. Ive come to realise he was Mr Unavailable, how come I hadn’t realised that over the last year he didn’t have much of a conversation with me ? We went out and always enjoyed each others company and loved and laughed together. He communicated more by text, he hasn’t told me why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, so Ive no idea which is totally destroying me, I have wept bitterly every day since January when this happened, I’m in shock basically. But now I have found Baggage Reclaim and It is helping me to get my head around the sorrow and pain. Many many thanks
To Hilary
You will find lots of strength from this site. If it had not have been for God; prayer and coming back to this site daily reading the comments and posting my own comments I don’t know where I would be at the present moment… But I could almost bet a total WRECK… Glad to say that in four more days I will be hitting my first 30 days home run of NC and today I feel so happy to know that I have come this far.. without looking back and breaking.. You will get through this. Everyday gets easier and easier until you are no longer thinking about it…or HIM…. Cause really us feeling like we can never let go is only an ILLUSION…. Do things that make you feel good. Concentrate on your own happiness… Reward yourself when you get to two weeks three weeks ….etc.. And pray.. you can’t get through this without prayer cause there will be some difficult days.. You can do this!! Good luck..
Thank you NML for yet another invaluable article. There are so many women in my life that I know would benefit from reading the messages you have a real understanding of people and a wonderful ability to communicate your knowledge. Thank you again.
Bless you
Dawn
Thank you, Natalie. I appreciate your blog so much.
I’m 52, have been divorced for 20+ years (was married to an alcoholic). I have never dated since the divorce, but have had crushes on unavailable men over the years and always ended up very hurt (without ever even having anything like a relationship with them). Now I’m in a pretend relationship where I spend real time with this person in non-dating and sort of quasi-dating situations, and I’ve been sooooo confused. I’ve been looking desperately for pieces to a puzzle (WHY ISN’T THE RELATIONSHIP PROGRESSING???). Reading your blog has been so soothing to me. I’m finding the missing puzzle pieces and now I feel less crazy. I’m not talking to anyone about this (outside of this comment) so I haven’t been getting any healthy input (part of the disease, I think).
There’s a saying, “You will know the truth and the truth will make you angry.” I’m angry at this situation that I’ve been contributing to in a big way. But the truth also makes us free, and I’m gaining some freedom and peace now. I can’t go 100% no contact because of the situation, but I change so I’m not thinking, “Can’t you see? I’m HERE for you!” whenever I’m around him and I can do much more to limit our contact than I have been doing.
I also want to recommend Alanon or other twelve-step meetings and actually doing the twelve-steps for getting perspective. Not all of them are equally healthy but it can a great place to meet people who have some recovery from being in sick relationships and are willing to share their experience, strength and hope with others.
This couldn’t be more true. Before you can expect anyone else to treat you well, to treat you as the valuable person you are, you need to believe that about yourself. If you truly believe that about yourself, you won’t saddle yourself with someone who “lowers” you. You’ll instead seek out those men who recognize the amazing person you are and treat you accordingly.
Darlyn
fix marriage, relationship article, marriage builders
“Ask yourself: What are my values? Then look at your relationships and see if they match up, and if they don’t, ask yourself why they don’t, and you start to have the answer to why your relationships are not working.”
I am attracted to the guy that everyone loves, who loves everyone. He is fun, flirty, and completely unable to focus or commit to one person. At first he makes you feel like the only girl in the room, but that lasts about two days and then you are old news. Instead of seeing this as a personality choice on his part, I seen it as a challenge to make him fall in love with ME. Truth is, he isn’t falling in love with anyone for real, that isn’t even on his radar. He just likes to love and be loved.
My value is to find a man who is LOOKING to be with just one woman, and who enjoys allowing a relationship to grow. It’s becoming a lot easier to spot which man is which lately.
Thank you Natalie!
I have come to understand that part of my attraction to EUM’s lies in the fact that they are familiar. I kinda don’t have to worry about their inconsistencies…because they will forever be inconsistent. I have chosen EUM’s since I was 20 untill now at 33. This last one threw me off because I thought I had learned alot about me. I had gained a new respect for me….so to find myself involved with the same EUM (different face) I had when I was 20…well that was a shock. How did that happen? For me familiarity has been detrimental to my values, it has made me look at something I logically knew was not healthy and consider it anyway.
Now when I find myself drawn to a dude have to stop and make sure it not my old familiar concepts raising its ugly head again.
Imdone, I had taken a 10 year hiatus on relationships because…. I figured…. “what’s the point?” At the time I made the decision for the “hiatus,” I was in my mid 40’s, and thought, “I’m too old for this crap, I can’t take another breakup.” Even if I’m the one who walked away. I was prepared to go the rest of my life with no significant relationships other than “friends.”
So, like you, I was just as shocked that after a ten year hiatus, I messed up and the guy who seemed to be “the answer to a prayer” turned out to be an EUM.
This was so good for me to read Natalie.
In fact, it’s a good eye opener again for two reasons.
1. I devalued myself by giving in eventually standing my ground and leaving because it got so out of control.
2. If I had valued myself and stood my ground, we would have not been toghether as long as we had and I would not have gone through all this pain.
I am better at recognizing the signs now, and choose to value myself in my next relationship when that comes. Until then, I’m just working on bringing me back to “healthy”
Myrtle
Recovering assclown addict since 12/29/10
(And when I say addict, I mean it. he was completely intoxicating)
Whoa, Myrtle, you are doing some “time travel.” (Just kidding!) Wish I could do some “time travel” and go back to a certain point and take a different path.
I must admit that I did not feel great about myself when I met my husband, since I’d never met a truly decent man before. I honestly think they are hard to come by unless you are rich and beautiful. Also there are a lot of deceivers out there. Being with my husband all these years has made me see myself through his generous & kind natured eyes; his love has changed me and raised my standards. Sometimes all a person needs is one solid experience of real love, and its enough to make them believe in themselves.
I would first like to thank you for writing all of these articles and helping so many people, male or female, to recognize the toxic relationship they may be in and give support and also validation to what our experiences are. I have been with a narcisstic (true narcissist) and EUM for ten years now. I’m ashamed that I allowed myself to get caught in his web and given him any power over me. My life became a nightmare with him after we bought a home together 6 years ago because he led me on to believe we had a future but all he really wanted was his power and the security of knowing he tricked me and I believed in his lies. He took such control that emotionally as well as financially I was stuck and did not even see what he was doing. He was raised by a passive but extremely manipulative mother and a father who was aggressive and had abusive tendencies. I see so clearly now how they selfishly used their child to get whatever they wanted and still do. It’s sad but he is the one who places no boundaries on them. If it had not been for some good friends that could see what he was doing to me and reading all your articles. I may not be here today. This is the most destructive and self absorbed man I’ve ever known of and I would live off the glimmers of false hopes and affection he used on me to gain his control over me, then once feeling secure would treat me worse than imaginable. The hot/cold games havecontinued and I now can see why he does this. It’s really a very bad sickness and such insecurities that make people this way. His biggest fear is me actually leaving him although he tries to act the opposite. For example he said to me I wouldn’t let us break up.. And I said to him I wanted to break up and on came his good side. But I’m not a fool for his games and the drama he plays is that of a 3 year old manchild. This articlein particular was an excellent article as you were right…I allowed him to not value me and I gave up my values for a one sided, no future, drama filled, false relationship that never existed but on his terms allowing my needs to not be met. I am still with him but I do not love him. I see him for the pathethic creature he is and the manipulative selfish parents that raised him to become this person. They are the worst pretending they are sheep.. But are wolves with fangs in sheeps clothing. To all of you that have been with a narcisstic EUM you need to realize they will not change. The managing down your expectations, pressing reset and playing hot and cold is an endless cycle they will not stop. They are incapable of feeling or shut off what they do feel for power and control.. Why? They live a false self for their ego and do not have the capacity to understand or empathize or see themselves for what they are. They see themselves as a victim. I could write a book on this particular man and the horrible things he’s done. As for now, I’m leaving him and the no contact rule is the only way out. He won’t feel any remorse for all he’s done to me…but I won’t miss him, won’t care about him, and won’t give him another thought… Because I will no longer give him my power.
Hey Kathy
You explained it to to T… if you are dealing with a narcissts you may as well just jump over a cliff (not literally but) you are dealing with an illness that you cannot cure yourself and the only way to end it is to get out. My ex was a narcissts who I was involved with for one year until I broke it off with him weeks ago. I will be 30 days NC on tommorrow!! Woo Hoo!! When we first met he was compassionate; gave me this beautiful story about how his kids were the most important thing to him(he’s divorced and his ex wife keeps them away from him for what reasons I wonder now). I mistaked the him calling me everyday all day in the beginning of our relationship to be that he really cared about me. In the beginning we spent lots of time together; he’d cook for me; et… we went out on dinners(his choice of restaurants of course). Then I noticed shortly in our relationship the lightning bulb turned on and it was all about him and his needs…. He was no longer concerned about mine. He always talked about he needed this ; that; financially; … I come from a very well successful family. So he saw me as a source to his narcissts supply…. He bragged about taking trips; friends that he had in the city; friends that were big figures….(Cops). He was constantly trying to compete with me but didn’t have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of.. My mom would always tell me in the beginning that she suspected that he had somewhat of a little bit of SLOWNESS… but I would always brush it off as if there was nothing wrong with him….He had his own place; but was constantly broke… Couldn’t keep his mortgage paid(a half a year behind) couldn’t keep his lights and water on… Every week it was always something that he would come to me for but he another week he would have money to buy frivulous stuff.. He was running from his ex wife all in hopes of not having to pay child support…. A man on the run so what could he possibly bring into my life? His life was a world of drama.. He would rage about simple things… If I was happy he would try his best to kill my happiness.. He stopped all sexual contact with me.. (This is what narcissts do withhold sex as a abuse and neglect to punish their partner). I am a very attractive woman. Now that I look back I thank God that he gave me the strength to cut all ties and leave him alone. He didn’t handle it too well. As a matter of fact when I broke it off he became Mr. Jekyle and Hyde… called me all kind of bitches… threatend me etc and that’s when I knew that it had to be over this time..There could no longer be anymore repeated cycles of breakups and going back. This time; I could never look back and allow him access back into my life because it would only be worse. The abuse would only get worse and I don’t come from an abusive family. His relationship with his siblings was also screwed…He had hatred towards them all. He claimed his sister had a mental problem but it was really him… I remember him telling me that he had thoughts of suicide… and after reading up on narcissts after our breakup I discovered that suicidal thoughts are one of the signs of a narcissts.. He had lots of female friends as well that he claimed he had no sexual relations with.. (BIG Red flag)….He takes money from all of his other women and this is literally how he survives… I now know that he is not incapable of being in any relationship no matter how many women he goes through because narcissts are incapable of loving and showing emotion or sharing any type of committment. They are all for themselves… I wish you the best of luck with getting out… The sooner you end it the better off you will be..
JJ,
I believe the narcissist EUM is the most confusing and horrible experience to go through. For any of you that think they can change, it’s extremely unlikely. They can’t change because they feed off of those they get into a relationship. They have to have their ego stroked at any cost and are incapable of any true emotions other than rage. Those crumbs they pass now and then… Not genuine. They pass those crumbs to get what they want. They are creative manipulators and you don’t really see what they are doing until you are caught in their web. The reset button is used by them all the time to wipethe slate clean for themselves so they will never be accountable. I think the nab in my life was one of the worst. I know when he realizes I’m gone for good he will turn vicious. It’s taken me years to recover from where put me in this so called relationship but I am stronger than he is and I am better than he is. I like myself whereas he hates himself and tries to live in a falseself. This is why they are terrified of people knowing, seeing or hearing them. what do u do? You expose them for who they are. I’m not afraid for someone to hear what I say! Only the narcissist who hides is afraid for people to see who he really is. They are empty shells and like vampires feed off of people for ego and power. if you find your strength and get out… They will be revengeful. And this… A man who I thought I’d marry one day… He’s been the biggest mistake and nightmare of my life. Don’t think they will change and let go of that illusion…they can not change. It’s all they know and all they WANT to know.